By Alyssa (a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa)

I am in no way associated with NBC or their sitcom FRIENDS.

OK, fanfic number nine! I’m surprised I’ve written this far but I’ve gotten to really enjoying it- it’s like an extra hobby or something. This supposedly takes place after "The One Where Joey Can’t Sleep." Sarah Paulson is once again, Kristen. Questions, comments, and suggestions are welcome. Write me at Joya_Preciosa@hotmail.com

Scene A:

(It’s the girls’ apartment. It’s late night.)

RACHEL: (Pokes her head out of her room and looks around. She slowly creeps out, wearing a nice black party dress with a jacket over her arm. She tiptoes to the door and is about to open it when . . .)

MONICA: (Standing in front of her room door with her hands on her hips.) Hold it right there, Missy!

RACHEL: (Turning around.) Hey Mon! I was just um . . . going for a little walk.

MONICA: That was so lame.

RACHEL: I know, I know. I really thought I could do better than that one. OK um- how about we just do it over? I’ll stand in front of the door and you can come out again.

MONICA: Why so you can just escape in the while I’m coming back out?

RACHEL: Dammit! It would’ve worked with Joey.

MONICA: Are you going to see Ross?

RACHEL: (Clearly lying.) No . . .

MONICA: (In a warning tone.) Rachel . . .

RACHEL: Fine, I am!

MONICA: Rachel! What have I told you about this, huh? Do you really want to get mixed up in all this Ross stuff again if you don’t even know what you want?

RACHEL: But it’s different now Mon! We’re not fighting and we’re not together! It’s like before, when we were just friends! Only now we’re better friends! There’s like this connection, we talk about everything! And we’re, we’re having fun! Nothing’s bad about fun.

MONICA: (Arms crossed.) So, just friends huh?

RACHEL: (Nods.)

MONICA: Then why are you wearing that?

RACHEL: OK, look! Friends or no friends he’s still my ex-boyfriend!

SCENE B:

(It’s the guy’s apartment, Chandler’s room. Chandler and Kristen are lying in bed. They’re both wearing t-shirts and boxers.)

KRISTEN: Mmm, I am so sleepy.

CHANDLER: It’s eleven o’clock. Want to go get some breakfast or something?

KRISTEN: You mean move? No way. Besides, I don’t eat breakfast.

CHANDLER: Why not?

KRISTEN: Because I don’t wake up on time. Listen, can I stay here for a week?

CHANDLER: (Nervous.) A whole week? Why?

KRISTEN: Well my roommate’s cousin is coming over and I really don’t feel like being hit on.

CHANDLER: Well, that’s no problem. I can get rid of him for you. Standard boyfriend protection.

KRISTEN: (Laughing.) Sure, honey.

CHANDLER: Watch it, I could say no to that week thing.

KRISTEN: No, it’s just the cousin’s not a he. It’s a she.

CHANDLER: (Interested.) A she?

KRISTEN: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Well, here’s an idea. How about you come over for a year . . . and you bring the cousin with you?

KRISTEN: Then I’d expect you to even things out with Joey.

CHANDLER: (Realizing, disgusted.) I see your point.

SCENE C:

(It’s a waiting room. Joey’s sitting in a chair, and is impatient. Phoebe’s sitting next to him, on his right.)

JOEY: (Drums his hands on the table in front of him, rhythmically. He then hops a bit in his seat. He begins to sway from left to right.)

PHOEBE: (Puts her hand on his shoulder to stop him.) Joey, will you relax? It’s going to go well.

JOEY: But how do you know?

PHOEBE: I know everything. You shouldn’t question my knowledge.

JOEY: But I need the cash! Chandler says for every bill I don’t half-pay, he’s going to start taking away the toppings on my pizza!

PHOEBE: Huh?

JOEY: Like I don’t pay my part for the water bill, he’ll take away the pepperonis!

PHOEBE: (Disgusted.) Uggh meat. (Seeing Joey’s face, she switches her tone to comforting.) Well you’ll get the job, don’t worry.

JOEY: Prove it.

PHOEBE: You haven’t even auditioned for it yet.

JOEY: Which means you can’t prove it.

PHOEBE: You want proof? Fine. (She points to the guy next to her.) This guy doesn’t know it but by next week he’ll be taking Viagra.

GUY: (Looks astonished.)

PHOEBE: (Points to woman next to Joey.) She, right now, is picturing you naked.

WOMAN: (Looks offended.)

JOEY: (To woman.) How you doin’?

WOMAN: (Smiles.)

PHOEBE: Joey, give it up. She’s married. And he- (points to a man sitting next to the woman)- feeds his cat Spam. Don’t ask me how that came across my mind; he gives out weird signals.

SCENE D:

(It’s Central Perk. Chandler’s sitting on the couch, alone.)

PHOEBE+JOEY: (Enter.)

CHANDLER: Hey, how’d the audition go?

JOEY: (Sits in the left chair.) It went good. I got a call back.

PHOEBE: (Plops down on the couch, to the right of Chandler.) I told him so.

JOEY: Yeah, it was amazing Chandler. Phoebe was totally cool. She was telling everyone about their lives and what was going to happen in the future. She even told one guy how he was going to die.

CHANDLER: What’d he think of that?

JOEY: He didn’t believe her.

CHANDLER: Well, how is he going to die?

PHOEBE: He’s going to choke on a raisin.

JOEY: So Phoebs, do you know how I’m going to die?

PHOEBE: Yeah, but I’m not telling.

JOEY: That’s not fair.

PHOEBE: Just be happy I told you what I did.

JOEY: Can’t I have a hint?

CHANDLER: Why would you want to know?

JOEY: So I can avoid it.

PHOEBE: You can’t stop fate! It’s like Chandler, here. It’s inevitable that he will- someday get married. (To Chandler.) You’ll be sixty-two, by the way.

CHANDLER: (Defensive.) I happen to have a girlfriend now.

PHOEBE: Yeah but if you screw that one up- and the odds are against you- you’ll probably end up marrying Janice or something. Anyway . . . that was a bad example. Oh, it’s like me trying to stop labor, and there’s no way I can’t! Oh pregnancy! I remember! I found out something else too.

CHANDLER: That you can predict when aliens are going to take over the Earth?

PHOEBE: Oh, don’t worry about that. It’ll happen in about three hundred years. Anyway, I’ve noticed that ever since I’ve been pregnant there’s been this like- strange power I have over men.

CHANDLER: Oh, really? Like what?

PHOEBE: Well, the other day I was driving my grandmother’s cab to North Carolina and-

CHANDLER: (Cutting her off.) Wait a minute, why did you drive to North Carolina?

PHOEBE: I don’t know, I just felt like it. Anyway-

CHANDLER: (Cutting her off again.) But when was this?

PHOEBE: On Tuesday, duh! Didn’t you notice I wasn’t around all day?

CHANDLER: I just figured you were having pregnancy problems.

PHOEBE: Which proves my point! I was speeding and I got stopped and at that second one of the babies kicked so I grabbed my stomach and immediately the officer just let me go. No questions asked!

CHANDLER: Wow.

PHOEBE: I know! And I’m getting so much stuff for it too! At like the movies, I told this fifteen-year old guy that the popcorn he’d served me had somehow upset my stomach, and he gave me some gift certificates, free! It’s really cool! It works with every single guy- and also Rachel.

CHANDLER: Well, at least it doesn’t work on me.

PHOEBE: Yeah it does.

CHANDLER: No it doesn’t.

PHOEBE: Yeah it does.

CHANDLER: OK, name one time where it worked!

PHOEBE: Yesterday, I got you to buy me a slice of pie!

CHANDLER: Well . . . um. That wasn’t because of you being pregnant.

PHOEBE: Yuh-huh. The second I mentioned the fact that it was hard to get up in the morning because I felt so big and lazy and just . . . utterly bloated you-

CHANDLER: (Cutting Phoebe off.) OK, shut up now and I’ll buy you the entire pie!

PHOEBE: Geez, I don’t know what you’re getting so worked up about. If you can’t deal with your friend complaining how are you going to feel when Kristen’s pregnant?

CHANDLER: Wha-wha-wha-wha-what?

PHOEBE: I said when Kristen’s pregnant.

CHANDLER: She’s pregnant?!

JOEY: I didn’t notice. Wait a minute, if she’s pregnant how come she doesn’t look like Phoebe?

CHANDLER: She’s pregnant?!!

PHOEBE: I said when, don’t freak out!

CHANDLER: So . . . she talks about stuff like that with you?

PHOEBE: No, whatever gave you that idea?

CHANDLER: But you said-

PHOEBE: (Cutting Chandler off.) I say a lot of things! Now will you just shut up and get me my pie? (Threatening.) Unless you want to hear about the good old days of morning sickness?

SCENE B:

(It’s the girl’s apartment. Joey’s at the kitchen table eating . . . a sandwich. Monica’s doing the dishes. Ross and Rachel are on the couch, he’s on the right and she’s on the left.)

ROSS: So now it looks like it’s entirely different from what we’ve predicted!

RACHEL: (Throws a laugh) Ha, ha, ha! That is so ironic. (She moves her hand to his leg.)

ROSS: (Looking into Rachel’s eyes.) Isn’t it?

JOEY: Get a room!

ROSS+RACHEL: (Glare at Joey.)

CHANDLER: (Enters.) OK, I need a favor and I need it quick!

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: Not from you. (He goes over to Rachel.) From you.

RACHEL: What from me?

CHANDLER: I need you to talk to Kristen. This morning she said she wanted to stay at my place for a week and Phoebe – well earlier today, Joey was there- she mentioned something about pregnancy and I just-

ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa, she’s pregnant?!

CHANDLER: I don’t think so, but Phoebe said-

RACHEL: (Cutting Chandler off.) OK, but honey, you can’t take little jokes Phoebe says too seriously.

CHANDLER: I know that but it’s going to keep on bothering me until I know what’s going on. So couldn’t you just- call her and plan a thing? Then you could talk to her about pregnancy and initiate the conversation by working up Phoebe being pregnant- it should work really well.

RACHEL: Can’t you wait until tomorrow? Ross and I were going to go to Central Park and then we’re hoping to see a play.

CHANDLER: (Suddenly acknowledging Ross and Rachel’s close positions.) Are you back together or something?

ROSS/RACHEL: No./Of course not.

CHANDLER: (To Ross.) Then why do you have your hand around her waist?

ROSS: (Moves his hand.)

CHANDLER: (To Rachel.) Can’t you at least- call her?

MONICA: I’ll do it.

CHANDLER: (Turns to Monica, very surprised- as if just noticing she was there.) Wha- um, you will?

MONICA: Of course, I mean, what are friends for?

JOEY: In the case of Ross and Rachel, often sex.

ROSS+RACHEL: (Glare at Joey.)

JOEY: Hey- I’m all for that philosophy. Monica, you interested?

SCENE C:

(It’s Central Perk. Monica and Kristen are having coffee on the couch, Monica on the left and Kristen on the right.)

KRISTEN: So why don’t you try it?

MONICA: I don’t even own a computer. Why would I want to take a class about designing websites?

KRISTEN: Then you should definitely get one! I mean we could email each other, the millennium is drawing closer as we speak.

MONICA: (Shrugs.) I could always go to a cyber café.

KRISTEN: And give up this old fashioned place?

MONICA: Fine, maybe I’ll start saving up.

KRISTEN: So what did you uh, want to talk about?

MONICA: Errrr . . . Phoebe! She has been acting really . . . moody lately. I’m concerned.

KRISTEN: She is pregnant, you know?

MONICA: Yeah. So what do you think about pregnancy?

KRISTEN: What?

MONICA: The whole women having babies issue?

KRISTEN: Huh?

MONICA: Stretch marks, vomiting. . . screaming at a doctor?

KRISTEN: Are you all right?

MONICA: Uggh, I suck at this.

KRISTEN: What’s going on?

MONICA: Nothing I um- could we change the subject please?

KRISTEN: But what were you going to say?

MONICA: Nothing important.

KRISTEN: (Gives Monica an odd look before clearing her throat.) So the kiln broke down in pottery class and until it’s repaired I need to find something else to replace the class.

MONICA: Any ideas?

KRISTEN: Well, there’s this really hot guy in a poetry class so maybe I’ll look into that.

MONICA: A hot guy?

KRISTEN: Totally. I’m hoping he’ll ask me out.

MONICA: (Confused.) But what about Chandler?

KRISTEN: In confidentially?

MONICA: (Nods.)

KRISTEN: Well, it’s not like we’re all that serious. He even once told me he had a thing with some other girl when we were first dating.

MONICA: (Looks down.) Oh. (Looks up.) You were never mad about that?

KRISTEN: Well it’s not like it meant anything. He said he just kissed her and – do you think I should end things?

MONICA: (Frowning.) You want to break up with Chandler?

KRISTEN: Oh, I know he’s your friend and all but- I’m not used to being in a relationship that long, you know?

MONICA: (Suddenly realizing.) So you- you are going to break up with him?

KRISTEN: I’m not certain. We have fun. I don’t necessarily want to but I feel like I should. But not yet, it’s too soon. Plus I need a place this week.

MONICA: (Critical.) So you’re not serious about him at all?

KRISTEN: I don’t think I’ve ever been serious about anyone. (Suddenly scared.) Why is he serious about me? Because that changes everything.

MONICA: You know, I think he probably is.

KRISTEN: But he has all those relationship issues, doesn’t he? When Phoebe first told me about him that was the first thing she said. That was one of the two reasons I went out on a blind date. Assurance that no one would bother me about that commitment stuff.

MONICA: What was the second reason?

KRISTEN: He was on the rebound. I like being the transitional person.

MONICA: You know, you never struck me as being the type to fear commitment?

KRISTEN: Why not?

MONICA: You’re female, it’s in your genes and . . . I just don’t think you’ve found the right person yet.

KRISTEN: You see I never believed there was just one person. I think there are at least seven million people that I am compatible with.

MONICA: It’s not compatibility. It’s rare. I’ve felt it- the real it- only once.

KRISTEN: (Mischievously.) So . . . how was it?

MONICA: Great.

KRISTEN: Spoken like a true romantic. So, was this guy hot?

MONICA: (Rolling her eyes.) You picked the wrong boyfriend. Joey’s your man.

SCENE D:

(It’s a supermarket. Joey and Phoebe are in line, they’re next up and have a small pile of groceries.)

JOEY: So you’re certain this going to work?

PHOEBE: Absolutely. It’s worked before it’ll work again.

JOEY: Shh, we’re up.

PHOEBE: (To the cashier, who’s male and looks about twenty-something.) Hey.

CASHIER: Hey. (Starts to count up the groceries.)

JOEY: So uh- you feeling better honey?

PHOEBE: I suppose. But all of these cravings I’ve been having. They’re out of control.

JOEY: Well don’t you worry you’ll be feeling better in a second.

CASHIER: And your total is fifteen dollar and thirteen cents.

JOEY: (Peeks into his wallet. He leans over and whispers to the cashier.) Um listen man, I’m a little short.

CASHIER: (Skeptical, replies, also whispering:) How short?

JOEY: (Sheepish.) About the entire fifteen bucks.

CASHIER: (In a normal volume now.) Well then I’m sorry, Sir.

PHOEBE: Wait-sorry? What is he sorry about?

JOEY: (Taking Phoebe by the shoulders.) Well Eleanor, honey, it looks as if there just isn’t enough money to buy you all of these things.

PHOEBE: What, but Joseph, I’ve been craving all day!

JOEY: I’m sorry, honey.

PHOEBE: It’s near the end! This morning I thought I was in labor! The babies need their food- and strength! (To the cashier.) I’m having triplets.

CASHIER: Wow, that’s uh- that’s a lot.

PHOEBE: Tell me about it. The kicking, the cravings, the mood swings, and oh, being so bloated-

CASHIER: (Cutting Phoebe off.) You know what why don’t you just take all of this stuff, I’ll pay the extra cash on my own.

JOEY: (Acting surprised.) Really? You’d do that?

CASHIER: Yeah sure. Good luck with the babies. (He hands them a bag with their groceries in it.)

PHOEBE: Thanks. That’s so nice of you.

JOEY: Very decent.

CASHIER: You’re welcome.

PHOEBE+JOEY: (Walk away.)

PHOEBE: Sucker.

SCENE E:

(It’s the guy’s apartment. Chandler’s on the phone.)

CHANDLER: Look, the W.E.N.U.S. isn’t up it’s normal standards and- now wait Chris- I understand Shelley leaving you was a big deal- OK- but- Hey, why don’t you just take this up with Doug? (Hangs up.)

MONICA: (Enters.) Hi.

CHANDLER: Hey! (Goes over to her anxiously.) So what did she say?

MONICA: Are you sure you want to hear this?

CHANDLER: Oh my gosh! She is pregnant?!

MONICA: No.

CHANDLER: She’s thinking about pregnancy?

MONICA: Oh my gosh, no.

CHANDLER: Is she in anyway connected to pregnancy or any very commitment-related matter?

MONICA: No, it’s . . . (Goes over to Chandler’s chair and sits down.) it’s just the opposite!

CHANDLER: (Goes over and sits across from her, in Joey’s chair.) What?

MONICA: She told me that she wasn’t serious about you- at all! That she was even considering breaking up with you!

CHANDLER: (Surprised.) She- she wants to break up?

MONICA: Yeah. I’m so sorry.

CHANDLER: Wow, that’s kind of depressing. (He gives Monica a weak smile.)

MONICA: You really cared about her, huh?

CHANDLER: No it’s not that. It’s more just the depressing feeling of being dumped. Although now, I have opportunity to dump her first.

MONICA: Wait, you were never serious about her either?

CHANDLER: No. She’s great and all but she’s not the type of girl I could hang onto for too long. I mean she was hot and, and- impulsive! She’s not really the long-term kind.

MONICA: (Getting up.) You were never serious about her, but you dated her?!

CHANDLER: What’s the big deal? You’ve never had a fling?

MONICA: No, it’s- You started dating her while supposedly you were trying to figure out stuff with me!

CHANDLER: (Getting up.) No, um- Mon-

MONICA: (Cutting Chandler off.) You never even bothered to fix things with me! I had to go around on my own trying to repair our friendship and becoming friends with Kristen and while you were having your fling! And you weren’t even that serious about her! You just totally threw me aside- one of your best friends- for some hot girl! Is that how all men think?!

CHANDLER: You know I would have broken up with her if you had asked me to!

MONICA: I would have never asked you that! I’m not that kind of person! You knew that- you know that! The truth is, you’d rather have a cheap fling than spend a few minutes of your time talking things out with me!

CHANDLER: You know that’s not true.

MONICA: But it is. I, I’ve got to go. (Goes over to the door.)

CHANDLER: Don’t go Monica! If we could just talk-

MONICA: No. Do you, do you have any idea how much you just hurt my feelings?

CHANDLER: (At a loss for words.)

MONICA: I would never do something like this to you. We’ve been friends for so long and I never would have expected you to do this to me- or anyone for that matter. I just- I don’t want to talk to you right now. (She exits.)

SCENE F:

(It’s the hallway between the two apartments. Ross and Rachel are standing in front of the girl’s apartment. Rachel has a red stain splashed all over her white dress.)

ROSS: Personally I’ve always thought you looked better in red anyway.

RACHEL: Uggh, I just cannot believe that happened. It was so embarrassing!

ROSS: No one was laughing.

RACHEL: Ross, everyone was! I’m the idiot who spilled nearly entire bottle of Chardonnay on my dress!

ROSS: Well, why did you order it anyway? You’re now broke.

RACHEL: I know. But I wanted it to be special. It was a really special dinner. Just you and me. (Looks at Ross, slightly shy.)

ROSS: (Leans over and kisses Rachel very softly.)

RACHEL: (Wraps one arm around Ross’s neck and kisses him back just as softly.)

ROSS: (Quickly wraps one arm around Rachel’s waist and sets his free hand on her cheek.)

RACHEL: (With her hand behind her back, opens the door.)

ROSS+RACHEL: (Stumble in, still kissing, their eyes closed.)

(They are now inside the girls’ apartment- duh!)

MONICA: (Is on the couch with a bowl of popcorn in her lap. She’s watching a movie. She pauses it and throws popcorn at them.)

ROSS+RACHEL: (Turn to see Monica.)

ROSS/RACHEL: Err . . . hi./Oh, right. Hey Mon.

MONICA: Ross, I suggest you get your ass a far you can from this apartment within the next twenty-five seconds. I am not in the mood to see anything related to a couple or that has a penis!

ROSS: (To Rachel.) I’ll call you. (Darts out the apartment.)

RACHEL: Well, that scared him off!

MONICA: Not as scared off as he’s gonna be when you guys have some other stupid fight. And what the hell happened to your dress? Did you already have the fight?

RACHEL: No, and there isn’t going to be one. It’s so- I feel so wonderful. I just feel-

MONICA: (Interrupting Rachel, she holds up a handful of popcorn.) So buttery?

RACHEL: (Goes over to Mon and plops down next to her. On her right.) What is up with you? Bad movie?

MONICA: Bad life. I just talked to Chandler and I’m resenting anyone or anything that has to do with a y chromosome right now. Someone hold me back if Joey walks through that door!

RACHEL: Did it have something to do with that whole Kristen thing?

MONICA: Yeah, but I don’t want to talk about it.

RACHEL: I can always offer advice.

MONICA: Yeah, but that’s not your role. It’s mine. (Sits up.) I’ll start by telling you about this whole Ross thing.

RACHEL: And I’ll stop that by going to bed. (Gets up.)

MONICA: (Grabs her hand and pulls her back down.) What happened to "just friends"?

RACHEL: I don’t know. The feelings- they’re back. It’s all back and I care about him more than ever before. But don’t you think this is a good thing? I think it’s safe to say Ross was the best relationship I ever had. He was the love of my life.

MONICA: (Gently.) But what if you lost the love of your life . . . again?

RACHEL: But if I don’t seize the opportunity, Monica- we’ll never be together.

PHOEBE: (Standing in the doorway.) I should really make my entries louder. Then you guys will just stop talking and I won’t have to suffer through like five "the love of my life"s. (She grabs a seat at the table and sits down.)

RACHEL: That’s easy for you to say Phoebs! When have you ever been in love?

MONICA: (Playful.) I recall a gay ice dancer.

PHOEBE: (Glares to Monica.) For your information I’ve been in love thousands of times! You should try getting out there. After the first two hundred break-ups it doesn’t feel so bad anymore.

MONICA: Spoken like a true romantic. (Throws popcorn at her.)

RACHEL: (Over emphasizing, she jokes.) Oh my gosh! Monica! The popcorn- The butter, it’s setting on the floor!

MONICA: (Jumps up and goes over to the popcorn. She serious, by the way.) Oh my gosh! What have I done?!

SCENE G:

(It’s Central Perk. Ross and Joey are sitting on the couch, Ross on the left and Joey on the right.)

ROSS: (Takes a sip of coffee.) And then I kissed her and Joey it was unbelievable!

JOEY: (Smiling that dirty- yet adorable smile of his.) Really? So what was she wearing?

ROSS: (Noticing Joey’s tone he replies flatly.) A white dress.

JOEY: So was it tight?

ROSS: (Sighs.) Yeah.

JOEY: And what about-

ROSS: Joey, watch it, OK? What it if we get back together? You can’t talk about Rachel like that anymore!

JOEY: I don’t see what the big deal is. In like two weeks you’ll have another stupid fight and break up.

ROSS: No we won’t!

JOEY: Oh yeah? What if she writes you another letter?

ROSS: (Swallows hard.) That won’t . . . matter.

JOEY: (Mischievous.) Monica bought some stationary earlier today, didn’t she?

ROSS: (In a warning tone.) Joey . . .

JOEY: Fine, fine. No more thinking about Rachel. So um- did you see Monica?

ROSS: (Wondering where Joey’s going with this.) Yeah . . .?

JOEY: So what was she wearing?

ROSS: (Freaking out.) Ew! Dude that’s my sister!

JOEY: Well you gotta give me something Ross! Phoebe’s pregnant right now and until that’s over I’m going to go insane!

ROSS: Why can’t you just hit on that hot girl by the counter? (Points to the girl.)

JOEY\: Oh yeah! Good idea. (Gets up and approaches the girl.)

ROSS: (Puts his hand on his forehead, frustrated.)