By Alyssa (a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa)
I am in no way associated with NBC or their sitcom FRIENDS.
OK, fanfic number nine! Iím surprised Iíve written this far but Iíve gotten to really enjoying it- itís like an extra hobby or something. This supposedly takes place after "The One Where Joey Canít Sleep." Sarah Paulson is once again, Kristen. Questions, comments, and suggestions are welcome. Write me at Joya_Preciosa@hotmail.com
THE ONE WITH PHOEBEíS POWERS
(Itís the girlsí apartment. Itís late night.)
RACHEL: (Pokes her head out of her room and looks around. She slowly creeps out, wearing a nice black party dress with a jacket over her arm. She tiptoes to the door and is about to open it when . . .)
MONICA: (Standing in front of her room door with her hands on her hips.) Hold it right there, Missy!
RACHEL: (Turning around.) Hey Mon! I was just um . . . going for a little walk.
MONICA: That was so lame.
RACHEL: I know, I know. I really thought I could do better than that one. OK um- how about we just do it over? Iíll stand in front of the door and you can come out again.
MONICA: Why so you can just escape in the while Iím coming back out?
RACHEL: Dammit! It wouldíve worked with Joey.
MONICA: Are you going to see Ross?
RACHEL: (Clearly lying.) No . . .
MONICA: (In a warning tone.) Rachel . . .
RACHEL: Fine, I am!
MONICA: Rachel! What have I told you about this, huh? Do you really want to get mixed up in all this Ross stuff again if you donít even know what you want?
RACHEL: But itís different now Mon! Weíre not fighting and weíre not together! Itís like before, when we were just friends! Only now weíre better friends! Thereís like this connection, we talk about everything! And weíre, weíre having fun! Nothingís bad about fun.
MONICA: (Arms crossed.) So, just friends huh?
MONICA: Then why are you wearing that?
RACHEL: OK, look! Friends or no friends heís still my ex-boyfriend!
(Itís the guyís apartment, Chandlerís room. Chandler and Kristen are lying in bed. Theyíre both wearing t-shirts and boxers.)
KRISTEN: Mmm, I am so sleepy.
CHANDLER: Itís eleven oíclock. Want to go get some breakfast or something?
KRISTEN: You mean move? No way. Besides, I donít eat breakfast.
CHANDLER: Why not?
KRISTEN: Because I donít wake up on time. Listen, can I stay here for a week?
CHANDLER: (Nervous.) A whole week? Why?
KRISTEN: Well my roommateís cousin is coming over and I really donít feel like being hit on.
CHANDLER: Well, thatís no problem. I can get rid of him for you. Standard boyfriend protection.
KRISTEN: (Laughing.) Sure, honey.
CHANDLER: Watch it, I could say no to that week thing.
KRISTEN: No, itís just the cousinís not a he. Itís a she.
CHANDLER: (Interested.) A she?
CHANDLER: Well, hereís an idea. How about you come over for a year . . . and you bring the cousin with you?
KRISTEN: Then Iíd expect you to even things out with Joey.
CHANDLER: (Realizing, disgusted.) I see your point.
(Itís a waiting room. Joeyís sitting in a chair, and is impatient. Phoebeís sitting next to him, on his right.)
JOEY: (Drums his hands on the table in front of him, rhythmically. He then hops a bit in his seat. He begins to sway from left to right.)
PHOEBE: (Puts her hand on his shoulder to stop him.) Joey, will you relax? Itís going to go well.
JOEY: But how do you know?
PHOEBE: I know everything. You shouldnít question my knowledge.
JOEY: But I need the cash! Chandler says for every bill I donít half-pay, heís going to start taking away the toppings on my pizza!
JOEY: Like I donít pay my part for the water bill, heíll take away the pepperonis!
PHOEBE: (Disgusted.) Uggh meat. (Seeing Joeyís face, she switches her tone to comforting.) Well youíll get the job, donít worry.
JOEY: Prove it.
PHOEBE: You havenít even auditioned for it yet.
JOEY: Which means you canít prove it.
PHOEBE: You want proof? Fine. (She points to the guy next to her.) This guy doesnít know it but by next week heíll be taking Viagra.
GUY: (Looks astonished.)
PHOEBE: (Points to woman next to Joey.) She, right now, is picturing you naked.
WOMAN: (Looks offended.)
JOEY: (To woman.) How you doiní?
PHOEBE: Joey, give it up. Sheís married. And he- (points to a man sitting next to the woman)- feeds his cat Spam. Donít ask me how that came across my mind; he gives out weird signals.
(Itís Central Perk. Chandlerís sitting on the couch, alone.)
CHANDLER: Hey, howíd the audition go?
JOEY: (Sits in the left chair.) It went good. I got a call back.
PHOEBE: (Plops down on the couch, to the right of Chandler.) I told him so.
JOEY: Yeah, it was amazing Chandler. Phoebe was totally cool. She was telling everyone about their lives and what was going to happen in the future. She even told one guy how he was going to die.
CHANDLER: Whatíd he think of that?
JOEY: He didnít believe her.
CHANDLER: Well, how is he going to die?
PHOEBE: Heís going to choke on a raisin.
JOEY: So Phoebs, do you know how Iím going to die?
PHOEBE: Yeah, but Iím not telling.
JOEY: Thatís not fair.
PHOEBE: Just be happy I told you what I did.
JOEY: Canít I have a hint?
CHANDLER: Why would you want to know?
JOEY: So I can avoid it.
PHOEBE: You canít stop fate! Itís like Chandler, here. Itís inevitable that he will- someday get married. (To Chandler.) Youíll be sixty-two, by the way.
CHANDLER: (Defensive.) I happen to have a girlfriend now.
PHOEBE: Yeah but if you screw that one up- and the odds are against you- youíll probably end up marrying Janice or something. Anyway . . . that was a bad example. Oh, itís like me trying to stop labor, and thereís no way I canít! Oh pregnancy! I remember! I found out something else too.
CHANDLER: That you can predict when aliens are going to take over the Earth?
PHOEBE: Oh, donít worry about that. Itíll happen in about three hundred years. Anyway, Iíve noticed that ever since Iíve been pregnant thereís been this like- strange power I have over men.
CHANDLER: Oh, really? Like what?
PHOEBE: Well, the other day I was driving my grandmotherís cab to North Carolina and-
CHANDLER: (Cutting her off.) Wait a minute, why did you drive to North Carolina?
PHOEBE: I donít know, I just felt like it. Anyway-
CHANDLER: (Cutting her off again.) But when was this?
PHOEBE: On Tuesday, duh! Didnít you notice I wasnít around all day?
CHANDLER: I just figured you were having pregnancy problems.
PHOEBE: Which proves my point! I was speeding and I got stopped and at that second one of the babies kicked so I grabbed my stomach and immediately the officer just let me go. No questions asked!
PHOEBE: I know! And Iím getting so much stuff for it too! At like the movies, I told this fifteen-year old guy that the popcorn heíd served me had somehow upset my stomach, and he gave me some gift certificates, free! Itís really cool! It works with every single guy- and also Rachel.
CHANDLER: Well, at least it doesnít work on me.
PHOEBE: Yeah it does.
CHANDLER: No it doesnít.
PHOEBE: Yeah it does.
CHANDLER: OK, name one time where it worked!
PHOEBE: Yesterday, I got you to buy me a slice of pie!
CHANDLER: Well . . . um. That wasnít because of you being pregnant.
PHOEBE: Yuh-huh. The second I mentioned the fact that it was hard to get up in the morning because I felt so big and lazy and just . . . utterly bloated you-
CHANDLER: (Cutting Phoebe off.) OK, shut up now and Iíll buy you the entire pie!
PHOEBE: Geez, I donít know what youíre getting so worked up about. If you canít deal with your friend complaining how are you going to feel when Kristenís pregnant?
PHOEBE: I said when Kristenís pregnant.
CHANDLER: Sheís pregnant?!
JOEY: I didnít notice. Wait a minute, if sheís pregnant how come she doesnít look like Phoebe?
CHANDLER: Sheís pregnant?!!
PHOEBE: I said when, donít freak out!
CHANDLER: So . . . she talks about stuff like that with you?
PHOEBE: No, whatever gave you that idea?
CHANDLER: But you said-
PHOEBE: (Cutting Chandler off.) I say a lot of things! Now will you just shut up and get me my pie? (Threatening.) Unless you want to hear about the good old days of morning sickness?
(Itís the girlís apartment. Joeyís at the kitchen table eating . . . a sandwich. Monicaís doing the dishes. Ross and Rachel are on the couch, heís on the right and sheís on the left.)
ROSS: So now it looks like itís entirely different from what weíve predicted!
RACHEL: (Throws a laugh) Ha, ha, ha! That is so ironic. (She moves her hand to his leg.)
ROSS: (Looking into Rachelís eyes.) Isnít it?
JOEY: Get a room!
ROSS+RACHEL: (Glare at Joey.)
CHANDLER: (Enters.) OK, I need a favor and I need it quick!
CHANDLER: Not from you. (He goes over to Rachel.) From you.
RACHEL: What from me?
CHANDLER: I need you to talk to Kristen. This morning she said she wanted to stay at my place for a week and Phoebe Ė well earlier today, Joey was there- she mentioned something about pregnancy and I just-
ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa, sheís pregnant?!
CHANDLER: I donít think so, but Phoebe said-
RACHEL: (Cutting Chandler off.) OK, but honey, you canít take little jokes Phoebe says too seriously.
CHANDLER: I know that but itís going to keep on bothering me until I know whatís going on. So couldnít you just- call her and plan a thing? Then you could talk to her about pregnancy and initiate the conversation by working up Phoebe being pregnant- it should work really well.
RACHEL: Canít you wait until tomorrow? Ross and I were going to go to Central Park and then weíre hoping to see a play.
CHANDLER: (Suddenly acknowledging Ross and Rachelís close positions.) Are you back together or something?
ROSS/RACHEL: No./Of course not.
CHANDLER: (To Ross.) Then why do you have your hand around her waist?
ROSS: (Moves his hand.)
CHANDLER: (To Rachel.) Canít you at least- call her?
MONICA: Iíll do it.
CHANDLER: (Turns to Monica, very surprised- as if just noticing she was there.) Wha- um, you will?
MONICA: Of course, I mean, what are friends for?
JOEY: In the case of Ross and Rachel, often sex.
ROSS+RACHEL: (Glare at Joey.)
JOEY: Hey- Iím all for that philosophy. Monica, you interested?
(Itís Central Perk. Monica and Kristen are having coffee on the couch, Monica on the left and Kristen on the right.)
KRISTEN: So why donít you try it?
MONICA: I donít even own a computer. Why would I want to take a class about designing websites?
KRISTEN: Then you should definitely get one! I mean we could email each other, the millennium is drawing closer as we speak.
MONICA: (Shrugs.) I could always go to a cyber café.
KRISTEN: And give up this old fashioned place?
MONICA: Fine, maybe Iíll start saving up.
KRISTEN: So what did you uh, want to talk about?
MONICA: Errrr . . . Phoebe! She has been acting really . . . moody lately. Iím concerned.
KRISTEN: She is pregnant, you know?
MONICA: Yeah. So what do you think about pregnancy?
MONICA: The whole women having babies issue?
MONICA: Stretch marks, vomiting. . . screaming at a doctor?
KRISTEN: Are you all right?
MONICA: Uggh, I suck at this.
KRISTEN: Whatís going on?
MONICA: Nothing I um- could we change the subject please?
KRISTEN: But what were you going to say?
MONICA: Nothing important.
KRISTEN: (Gives Monica an odd look before clearing her throat.) So the kiln broke down in pottery class and until itís repaired I need to find something else to replace the class.
MONICA: Any ideas?
KRISTEN: Well, thereís this really hot guy in a poetry class so maybe Iíll look into that.
MONICA: A hot guy?
KRISTEN: Totally. Iím hoping heíll ask me out.
MONICA: (Confused.) But what about Chandler?
KRISTEN: In confidentially?
KRISTEN: Well, itís not like weíre all that serious. He even once told me he had a thing with some other girl when we were first dating.
MONICA: (Looks down.) Oh. (Looks up.) You were never mad about that?
KRISTEN: Well itís not like it meant anything. He said he just kissed her and Ė do you think I should end things?
MONICA: (Frowning.) You want to break up with Chandler?
KRISTEN: Oh, I know heís your friend and all but- Iím not used to being in a relationship that long, you know?
MONICA: (Suddenly realizing.) So you- you are going to break up with him?
KRISTEN: Iím not certain. We have fun. I donít necessarily want to but I feel like I should. But not yet, itís too soon. Plus I need a place this week.
MONICA: (Critical.) So youíre not serious about him at all?
KRISTEN: I donít think Iíve ever been serious about anyone. (Suddenly scared.) Why is he serious about me? Because that changes everything.
MONICA: You know, I think he probably is.
KRISTEN: But he has all those relationship issues, doesnít he? When Phoebe first told me about him that was the first thing she said. That was one of the two reasons I went out on a blind date. Assurance that no one would bother me about that commitment stuff.
MONICA: What was the second reason?
KRISTEN: He was on the rebound. I like being the transitional person.
MONICA: You know, you never struck me as being the type to fear commitment?
KRISTEN: Why not?
MONICA: Youíre female, itís in your genes and . . . I just donít think youíve found the right person yet.
KRISTEN: You see I never believed there was just one person. I think there are at least seven million people that I am compatible with.
MONICA: Itís not compatibility. Itís rare. Iíve felt it- the real it- only once.
KRISTEN: (Mischievously.) So . . . how was it?
KRISTEN: Spoken like a true romantic. So, was this guy hot?
MONICA: (Rolling her eyes.) You picked the wrong boyfriend. Joeyís your man.
(Itís a supermarket. Joey and Phoebe are in line, theyíre next up and have a small pile of groceries.)
JOEY: So youíre certain this going to work?
PHOEBE: Absolutely. Itís worked before itíll work again.
JOEY: Shh, weíre up.
PHOEBE: (To the cashier, whoís male and looks about twenty-something.) Hey.
CASHIER: Hey. (Starts to count up the groceries.)
JOEY: So uh- you feeling better honey?
PHOEBE: I suppose. But all of these cravings Iíve been having. Theyíre out of control.
JOEY: Well donít you worry youíll be feeling better in a second.
CASHIER: And your total is fifteen dollar and thirteen cents.
JOEY: (Peeks into his wallet. He leans over and whispers to the cashier.) Um listen man, Iím a little short.
CASHIER: (Skeptical, replies, also whispering:) How short?
JOEY: (Sheepish.) About the entire fifteen bucks.
CASHIER: (In a normal volume now.) Well then Iím sorry, Sir.
PHOEBE: Wait-sorry? What is he sorry about?
JOEY: (Taking Phoebe by the shoulders.) Well Eleanor, honey, it looks as if there just isnít enough money to buy you all of these things.
PHOEBE: What, but Joseph, Iíve been craving all day!
JOEY: Iím sorry, honey.
PHOEBE: Itís near the end! This morning I thought I was in labor! The babies need their food- and strength! (To the cashier.) Iím having triplets.
CASHIER: Wow, thatís uh- thatís a lot.
PHOEBE: Tell me about it. The kicking, the cravings, the mood swings, and oh, being so bloated-
CASHIER: (Cutting Phoebe off.) You know what why donít you just take all of this stuff, Iíll pay the extra cash on my own.
JOEY: (Acting surprised.) Really? Youíd do that?
CASHIER: Yeah sure. Good luck with the babies. (He hands them a bag with their groceries in it.)
PHOEBE: Thanks. Thatís so nice of you.
JOEY: Very decent.
CASHIER: Youíre welcome.
PHOEBE+JOEY: (Walk away.)
(Itís the guyís apartment. Chandlerís on the phone.)
CHANDLER: Look, the W.E.N.U.S. isnít up itís normal standards and- now wait Chris- I understand Shelley leaving you was a big deal- OK- but- Hey, why donít you just take this up with Doug? (Hangs up.)
MONICA: (Enters.) Hi.
CHANDLER: Hey! (Goes over to her anxiously.) So what did she say?
MONICA: Are you sure you want to hear this?
CHANDLER: Oh my gosh! She is pregnant?!
CHANDLER: Sheís thinking about pregnancy?
MONICA: Oh my gosh, no.
CHANDLER: Is she in anyway connected to pregnancy or any very commitment-related matter?
MONICA: No, itís . . . (Goes over to Chandlerís chair and sits down.) itís just the opposite!
CHANDLER: (Goes over and sits across from her, in Joeyís chair.) What?
MONICA: She told me that she wasnít serious about you- at all! That she was even considering breaking up with you!
CHANDLER: (Surprised.) She- she wants to break up?
MONICA: Yeah. Iím so sorry.
CHANDLER: Wow, thatís kind of depressing. (He gives Monica a weak smile.)
MONICA: You really cared about her, huh?
CHANDLER: No itís not that. Itís more just the depressing feeling of being dumped. Although now, I have opportunity to dump her first.
MONICA: Wait, you were never serious about her either?
CHANDLER: No. Sheís great and all but sheís not the type of girl I could hang onto for too long. I mean she was hot and, and- impulsive! Sheís not really the long-term kind.
MONICA: (Getting up.) You were never serious about her, but you dated her?!
CHANDLER: Whatís the big deal? Youíve never had a fling?
MONICA: No, itís- You started dating her while supposedly you were trying to figure out stuff with me!
CHANDLER: (Getting up.) No, um- Mon-
MONICA: (Cutting Chandler off.) You never even bothered to fix things with me! I had to go around on my own trying to repair our friendship and becoming friends with Kristen and while you were having your fling! And you werenít even that serious about her! You just totally threw me aside- one of your best friends- for some hot girl! Is that how all men think?!
CHANDLER: You know I would have broken up with her if you had asked me to!
MONICA: I would have never asked you that! Iím not that kind of person! You knew that- you know that! The truth is, youíd rather have a cheap fling than spend a few minutes of your time talking things out with me!
CHANDLER: You know thatís not true.
MONICA: But it is. I, Iíve got to go. (Goes over to the door.)
CHANDLER: Donít go Monica! If we could just talk-
MONICA: No. Do you, do you have any idea how much you just hurt my feelings?
CHANDLER: (At a loss for words.)
MONICA: I would never do something like this to you. Weíve been friends for so long and I never would have expected you to do this to me- or anyone for that matter. I just- I donít want to talk to you right now. (She exits.)
(Itís the hallway between the two apartments. Ross and Rachel are standing in front of the girlís apartment. Rachel has a red stain splashed all over her white dress.)
ROSS: Personally Iíve always thought you looked better in red anyway.
RACHEL: Uggh, I just cannot believe that happened. It was so embarrassing!
ROSS: No one was laughing.
RACHEL: Ross, everyone was! Iím the idiot who spilled nearly entire bottle of Chardonnay on my dress!
ROSS: Well, why did you order it anyway? Youíre now broke.
RACHEL: I know. But I wanted it to be special. It was a really special dinner. Just you and me. (Looks at Ross, slightly shy.)
ROSS: (Leans over and kisses Rachel very softly.)
RACHEL: (Wraps one arm around Rossís neck and kisses him back just as softly.)
ROSS: (Quickly wraps one arm around Rachelís waist and sets his free hand on her cheek.)
RACHEL: (With her hand behind her back, opens the door.)
ROSS+RACHEL: (Stumble in, still kissing, their eyes closed.)
(They are now inside the girlsí apartment- duh!)
MONICA: (Is on the couch with a bowl of popcorn in her lap. Sheís watching a movie. She pauses it and throws popcorn at them.)
ROSS+RACHEL: (Turn to see Monica.)
ROSS/RACHEL: Err . . . hi./Oh, right. Hey Mon.
MONICA: Ross, I suggest you get your ass a far you can from this apartment within the next twenty-five seconds. I am not in the mood to see anything related to a couple or that has a penis!
ROSS: (To Rachel.) Iíll call you. (Darts out the apartment.)
RACHEL: Well, that scared him off!
MONICA: Not as scared off as heís gonna be when you guys have some other stupid fight. And what the hell happened to your dress? Did you already have the fight?
RACHEL: No, and there isnít going to be one. Itís so- I feel so wonderful. I just feel-
MONICA: (Interrupting Rachel, she holds up a handful of popcorn.) So buttery?
RACHEL: (Goes over to Mon and plops down next to her. On her right.) What is up with you? Bad movie?
MONICA: Bad life. I just talked to Chandler and Iím resenting anyone or anything that has to do with a y chromosome right now. Someone hold me back if Joey walks through that door!
RACHEL: Did it have something to do with that whole Kristen thing?
MONICA: Yeah, but I donít want to talk about it.
RACHEL: I can always offer advice.
MONICA: Yeah, but thatís not your role. Itís mine. (Sits up.) Iíll start by telling you about this whole Ross thing.
RACHEL: And Iíll stop that by going to bed. (Gets up.)
MONICA: (Grabs her hand and pulls her back down.) What happened to "just friends"?
RACHEL: I donít know. The feelings- theyíre back. Itís all back and I care about him more than ever before. But donít you think this is a good thing? I think itís safe to say Ross was the best relationship I ever had. He was the love of my life.
MONICA: (Gently.) But what if you lost the love of your life . . . again?
RACHEL: But if I donít seize the opportunity, Monica- weíll never be together.
PHOEBE: (Standing in the doorway.) I should really make my entries louder. Then you guys will just stop talking and I wonít have to suffer through like five "the love of my life"s. (She grabs a seat at the table and sits down.)
RACHEL: Thatís easy for you to say Phoebs! When have you ever been in love?
MONICA: (Playful.) I recall a gay ice dancer.
PHOEBE: (Glares to Monica.) For your information Iíve been in love thousands of times! You should try getting out there. After the first two hundred break-ups it doesnít feel so bad anymore.
MONICA: Spoken like a true romantic. (Throws popcorn at her.)
RACHEL: (Over emphasizing, she jokes.) Oh my gosh! Monica! The popcorn- The butter, itís setting on the floor!
MONICA: (Jumps up and goes over to the popcorn. She serious, by the way.) Oh my gosh! What have I done?!
(Itís Central Perk. Ross and Joey are sitting on the couch, Ross on the left and Joey on the right.)
ROSS: (Takes a sip of coffee.) And then I kissed her and Joey it was unbelievable!
JOEY: (Smiling that dirty- yet adorable smile of his.) Really? So what was she wearing?
ROSS: (Noticing Joeyís tone he replies flatly.) A white dress.
JOEY: So was it tight?
ROSS: (Sighs.) Yeah.
JOEY: And what about-
ROSS: Joey, watch it, OK? What it if we get back together? You canít talk about Rachel like that anymore!
JOEY: I donít see what the big deal is. In like two weeks youíll have another stupid fight and break up.
ROSS: No we wonít!
JOEY: Oh yeah? What if she writes you another letter?
ROSS: (Swallows hard.) That wonít . . . matter.
JOEY: (Mischievous.) Monica bought some stationary earlier today, didnít she?
ROSS: (In a warning tone.) Joey . . .
JOEY: Fine, fine. No more thinking about Rachel. So um- did you see Monica?
ROSS: (Wondering where Joeyís going with this.) Yeah . . .?
JOEY: So what was she wearing?
ROSS: (Freaking out.) Ew! Dude thatís my sister!
JOEY: Well you gotta give me something Ross! Phoebeís pregnant right now and until thatís over Iím going to go insane!
ROSS: Why canít you just hit on that hot girl by the counter? (Points to the girl.)
JOEY\: Oh yeah! Good idea. (Gets up and approaches the girl.)
ROSS: (Puts his hand on his forehead, frustrated.)