THE ONE WITH THE GREATEST BREAKUP EVER

 

Written by:†† Ethan

††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

 

TONYíS PIZZA (Joey, Ross and Chandler are present)

 

Joey:Man this is good pizza.

 

Chandler:Itís better than sex.

 

Ross:Going through a dry spell again Chandler?

 

Chandler:Yeah.Monís been as cold as ice lately.You accidentally spill coffee on the floor and the next thing you know, no sex for three weeks.

 

Joey:You think youíve got problems?Phoebe wonít leave me alone.Sheís like an insatiable machine.

 

Ross:Donít look now but the world is coming to end.Joeyís complaining about too much sex and he used insatiable in a sentence.

 

Chandler:†† Despite the fact that he has no idea what the word means.

 

Joey:Hey, I do too know what the word means.

 

Chandler:Uh huh.What does it mean?

 

Joey:Uh, uh, uhÖ.

 

Chandler:I told you he didnít know.

 

Ross:Give him a chance.You can do it Joey.

 

Joey: I got it, itís something that has to do with wanting too much of something?

 

Ross:And we have a winner Ladies and Gentlemen.

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are present)††††††

 

Monica:What the heck is the matter with you?

 

Rachel (moving around uncomfortably):These pants are getting to be too small.I can barely breathe.

 

Monica:Why arenít you wearing the maternity clothes Ross got for you?

 

Rachel:Have you seen them?Theyíre like K-Mart rejects.No way Iím wearing them out in public.

 

Phoebe:Just wait until the wedgies start coming.Theyíre like a thrill ride for your crack.

 

Rachel:Thanks for the visual Pheebs.

 

Monica:Where is Chandler?He was supposed to be here ten minutes ago.

 

Rachel:Heís probably with Joey and Ross doing something stupid.

 

Phoebe:Yeah, I think Iím gonna break it off with Joey.

 

Monica:What?!

 

Phoebe:What?

 

Monica:What did you say?

 

Phoebe:Nothing.I was listening to Rachel.

 

Rachel:Yes you did, you said you were gonna break it off with Joey.

 

Phoebe:Whereíd you hear that?

 

Monica:You just said it!

 

Phoebe:Then why did you say ďwhatĒ?

 

Monica:Phoebe!

 

Phoebe:Fine!Yes, Iím gonna break-up with Joey.

 

Rachel:Uh, why?

 

Phoebe:Because the sex is boring now.Thereís nothing else there.

 

Monica:You guys donít talk?

 

Phoebe:Sure we do.We talk about whoís place were gonna do it at, what to eat for lunch and dinner.Stuff like that.You know, real meaningful conversations.

 

Rachel:Thatís meaningful?

 

Phoebe:Pretty much, at least for Joey.

 

(Chandler and Joey enters)

 

Chandler:My fair ladies, icicle woman.

 

Monica:Thatís not the way to thaw me out Chandler.

 

Joey:Hey, whoís hungry?

 

Chandler:We just ate lunch!

 

Joey:Yeah, but I was lining up my afternoon snack partner.

 

Rachel:Whereís Ross?

 

Joey:Yeah, we ditched him a couple blocks back.

 

Rachel:Why?!

 

Chandler:ĎCause he saw a new dinosaur book in the window at the bookstore and he had to go in.

 

Rachel:Oh, in that case I wouldíve ditched him too.Well I have to get to the stores.Iíll see you guys later.Do you wanna come Mon?

 

Monica:Yeah.

 

Chandler (to Monica):Whoa!Hold on a minute missy.Did I give you permission to go shopping?

 

Monica:Strike two.

 

Chandler (meekly):You can go.Just donít spend any money.

 

Monica:Do you wanna rethink that answer?

 

Chandler:What I meant to say, is here, take my credit card.No need to spend your own hard earned money.See ya later honey.

 

Rachel (to Monica):Man, Iíve got to try that approach with Ross.

 

Joey:Bye Rachel, bye icicle woman.

 

Monica:You just struck out again Chandler.

 

Chandler:I didnít say anything!Damn it Joey!

 

(Monica and Rachel leave)

 

Joey:Hey Pheebs, how are ya?

 

Phoebe:Pretty good lover.We have to talk though.

 

Joey:Weíre breaking up arenít we?

 

Phoebe:Yeah, Iím afraid so.

 

Joey:Ok.Well for the record, youíve been the best girlfriend Iíve ever had.

 

Phoebe:Youíre the best boyfriend Iíve ever had.I really love you Joey.

 

Joey:I love you too Pheebs.

 

Chandler:Thatís it?Just like that you guys are breaking up?No crying, no fighting?Whatís wrong with you two?

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross is present.He is talking on the phone)

 

Ross:I realize that.(pause)But I just need one week off this semester.(pause)Yes I realize that we get a week off at Spring Break but my wife is pregnant and this is the only chance I have to take her away before the baby comes. (pause)Why is that a problem? (pause) I really donít think my students would care.(pause)Why? Because they donít pay attention in class anyway.(pause)Ok.Ok.Look, just think about it.(pause)Thanks.

 

(Chandler enters)

 

Chandler:Hey.

 

Ross:Hey.

 

Chandler:Who were you talking to?

 

Ross:Itís whom.

 

Chandler:Donít start with me.

 

Ross:I was talking with my department head at NYU.Iím trying to get a week off to take Rachel to Hawaii for a week during the semester.Itís like our last chance to take a vacation before the baby comes.

 

Chandler:Hawaii eh?

 

Ross:No, you canít come.Weíre going away by ourselves for once.

 

Chandler:Did you hear that Phoebe and Joey broke up?

 

Ross:They did?

 

Chandler:Yeah.It was like the greatest breakup ever.There were no tears, no fighting, no anything.They just ended it.

 

Ross:Howís Joey?

 

Chandler:How do you think he is?He met some girl in the coffeehouse ten minutes after Phoebe left and the next thing you know, he took her to his apartment.

 

Ross:To do what?

 

Chandler:Vacuum the floor.What do you think theyíre doing you moron?

 

Ross:Theyíre having sex right after he broke up with Phoebe?

 

Chandler:Phoebe broke up with Joey.

 

Ross:Did they break up or are they on a break?

 

Chandler:They broke up.But I guess in your case that means one in the same.

 

Ross:Hey!

 

Chandler:Sorry, that was low.(pause) I need your help.

 

Ross:With what?Do you need to move some furniture or something?

 

Chandler:I need your help with Monica.

 

SAKS FIFTH AVENUE (Rachel and Monica are shopping)

 

Rachel:Ew, what da ya think about this?

 

Monica:Yeah, thatís alright.

 

Rachel: Mon, whatís gotten into you?Youíve been a drag to be around today.

 

Monica:Iím sorry, I just got a lot on my mind.Really, that would be striking on you.

 

Rachel:Monica, itís me.Whatís wrong?

 

Monica:I havenít had sex with Chandler in three weeks.

 

Rachel:So youíre going through a dry spell, it happens sooner or later to all couples.

 

Monica:Itís not just that.

 

Rachel:Then what is it honey?

 

Monica:I donít know if I wanna have sex with him anymore.

 

(Rachel, whoís been leaning against the clothing rack, crashes to the floor)

 

JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey latest date, Laura, is leaving)

 

Joey:Iíll call you later Lori.

 

Laura:Itís Laura.

 

Joey:Right.Iíll call you later Laura.

 

Laura:Are we gonna go out to dinner?My roommate Shelley knows this great little restaurant in the village.

 

Joey:Is your roommate single?

 

Laura:Yeah, why?

 

Joey:Just wondering.Iíll talk to you later.(closes the door and sits down on the recliner.Phoebe enters)

 

Phoebe:Hey Joey.

 

Joey:Pheebs, what are you doing here?

 

Phoebe:I donít think we did the right thing.

 

Joey:What thing?

 

Phoebe:I donít think we shouldíve broken up.

 

Joey:You donít?

 

Phoebe:No, not really.I miss you.

 

Joey:How can you miss me?We only broke up two hours ago.

 

Phoebe:You already had sex with someone else didnít you?

 

Joey:Me?Who do you think I am, Ross?

 

Phoebe:Thatís pretty funny.

 

Joey:I thought so too.

 

Phoebe:So whoíd you have sex with?The hot little blonde that left your apartment a couple of minutes ago?

 

Joey:Laura?I mean, what hot little blonde?

 

Phoebe:Itís ok, Iím not mad.I had sex with Pete.

 

Joey:Whoís Pete?!

 

Phoebe:Some cute guy that Iíve had my eyen on since we started dating.

 

Joey:And the minute you break up with me you go and have sex with him?!

 

Phoebe:What are you getting all excited for? You had sex too.

 

Joey:But I barely knew her!

 

Phoebe:Why should that matter?

 

Joey:It does in Joey World!You have sex with strangers, not with people you are already friends with.

 

Phoebe:But you had sex with me when you were dating Courteney.

 

Joey:What does that have to do with anything?!

 

Phoebe:Well for starters, we were friends.

 

Joey:But I was trying to figure out if I was supposed to marry Courteney.

 

Phoebe:So then itís ok to have sex with a friend.

 

Joey:Yes!In that situation.

 

Phoebe:Maybe we should stay broken up.

 

Joey:I think so.Weíve obviously have moved on to other people.So how was Pete?

 

Phoebe:Not as good as you.

 

Joey:Thatís pretty much a given.

 

Phoebe:How was the hot little blonde girl?

 

Joey:Alright.Definitely not in your league.

 

Phoebe:Of course not, only a gymnast can bend like me.

 

Joey:Thatís the funny part, she is a gymnast and all she did was lie there.

 

Phoebe:Maybe we shouldnít break up.

 

Joey:What?

 

Phoebe:Well our new partners are obviously not good in the sack.

 

Joey:Maybe we should stay broken up but still sleep together.That way neither of us will go rusty until we find compatible partners.

 

Phoebe:We could have an open relationship.

 

Joey:Totally.No more of this boyfriend/girlfriend crap.

 

Phoebe:I love that idea.We shouldíve done that originally.Weíre obviously not meant to be together as boyfriend/girlfriend.We donít fight at all, boyfriends and girlfriends fight with each other all the time, just look at Ross and Rachel.

 

Joey:Thatís so true.I fought with Courteney all time, so itís obvious that she was my girlfriend.With you, we never fought.If you were my girlfriend youíd be pissed at me for sleeping with Laura a half hour after we broke up.

 

Phoebe (mad):You only waited a half hour?!

 

Joey:What are you getting mad for?Was there some time limit I was supposed to observe before sleeping with someone else?

 

Phoebe:Yes!

 

Joey:Oh.

 

Phoebe:You were supposed to wait an hour.Whatís the matter with you?

 

Joey:Iím Joey, I donít know that there are rules.Why do you think Iím still single?

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Chandler are talking)

 

Ross:Ah, whatís the problem with Monica?

 

Chandler:What do you think?We havenít had sex in three weeks.

 

Ross:So itís a dry spell.It happens to every couple.

 

Chandler:Has it happened to you and Rachel?

 

Ross:No!What would make you think that?

 

Chandler:But you just said it happens to every couple!

 

Ross:Well it hasnít happened to Rachel and I.Look, have you tried to entice her?

 

Chandler:Sheís not a dog Ross.

 

Ross:Thatís not what I meant.Have you tried giving her flowers, cleaning the apartment, making her dinner, stuff like that?

 

Chandler:No, Iíve been really busy with work.

 

Ross:Whatís more important to you, your job or your marriage?

 

Chandler:My marriage of course.

 

Ross:A marriage doesnít just exist, youíve got to work at it.

 

Chandler:You would know youíve been married four times.

 

Ross:Forget it, Iím not helping you.††

 

Chandler:Come on Ross, I was joking.Seriously, I donít want to lose your sister.

 

Ross:You need to do something nice for Monica.If that doesnít work, maybe you two should go see a marriage counselor.

 

Chandler:I donít need some shrink to tell me how to improve my sex life.I know how to have sex.

 

Ross:And when was the last time you guys had sex?

 

Chandler:Marriage counseling could be the answer.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Rachel and Monica have returned from shopping)

 

Monica:Chandler, are you here?

 

Rachel:Doesnít look like it.The place is still spotless.Now tell me whatís going on.

 

Monica:I donít where to start.

 

Rachel:Well explain to me why you and Chandler havenít had sex for three weeks.

 

Monica:I just havenít been in that place.I just donít want him touching me.

 

Rachel:Why not?

 

Monica:If I knew we wouldnít be talking now.

 

Rachel:Do you still love Chandler?

 

Monica:Yes! Why would you think I donít love him?

 

Rachel:I was just asking.By the way, you answered correctly.Are you afraid to have sex?

 

Monica:Iíve been having sex since I was 17, I think I got over that fear a long time ago.

 

Rachel:Did you have a miscarriage at 17?

 

Monica (tears filling her eyes):No!Why in the hell did you bring that up?

 

Rachel:Because thatís what I think the problem is.

 

Monica (crying):Weíve had plenty of sex since that happened.

 

Rachel:Was it enjoyable for you?

 

Monica:Huh?

 

Rachel:Did you make love to Chandler or did you just accommodate him?(long period of silence)Monica?

 

Monica:To accommodate him.

 

Rachel:Donít you miss making love to Chandler?

 

Monica:Yeah.I really do.I just fear that Iím gonna get pregnant again.

 

Rachel:But I thought you wanted to get pregnant.

 

Monica:I do.I want a baby so bad.

 

Rachel:Then why are you afraid?

 

Monica:What if I have another miscarriage?

 

Rachel:What if you donít?

 

Monica:Itís not that simple.You have no idea what itís been like.

 

Rachel:No I donít, but Iím your best friend and my door is always open.You just need to talk the whole thing through with someone.††

 

Monica:I just want to get the passion back into our marriage.Weíre just going through the motions.If I were Chandler, Iíd have left by now.

 

Rachel:Well Chandler hasnít left.He obviously still loves you very much.

 

Monica:Calling me icicle woman is showing that he loves me?

 

Rachel:Chandlerís just being Chandler.Deep down, we both know that he cares for you.He just doesnít know how to get through to you.He doesnít know what youíre feeling because you havenít shared your feelings about the miscarriage.Youíve just swept those feelings under the rug in hopes that theyíd magically disappear.††††

 

Monica:They havenít magically disappeared yet?

 

Rachel:Doesnít look like it.That only happens in sitcoms.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Chandler is present)

 

Rachel (to Phoebe and Joey):So you two broke up?

 

Phoebe:Yeah, monogamy is for suckers.

 

Joey:Amen to that.

 

Monica:Whereís Chandler?

 

Ross:He told me that he had some things to take care of at work and that heíd be home by 6:30 pm.

 

Monica:Oh.

 

Rachel:Whatís everyone doing for dinner?

 

Ross:Well you and I are going to my folks.

 

Rachel:Thatís tonight?

 

Ross:Yes, I told you this morning about that.

 

Rachel:No you didnít.

 

Ross:Yes I did.

 

Rachel:Itís not nice to lie Ross.

 

Ross:Iím not lying, you are just experiencing selected memory syndrome again.

 

Joey:See Phoebe, fighting, we never did that.

 

Ross:Weíre not fighting, weíre discussing our dinner arrangements.

 

Phoebe:Sounds like fighting to me.

 

Monica:Youíre going to Mom and Dadís?Why werenít Chandler and I invited?

 

Ross:You were.But Chandler told them you guys already had plans.

 

Monica:We donít have any plans.What is the matter with him?

 

Rachel:Donít look at me, heís your husband.††

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler is busy preparing dinner as Monica enters)

 

Monica (dejected):Hey.

 

Chandler:Hey honey.††

 

Monica:What are you doing?Whatís with all the flowers and stuff?

 

Chandler:Iím making a romantic dinner for us.

 

Monica:Are you feeling ok?

 

Chandler:I feel great.

 

Monica:Oh, I thought you might not be feeling well Ďcause youíre actually making dinner.Whatís for dinner?

 

Chandler:My specialty.

 

Monica:Grilled cheese and macaroni & cheese?

 

Chandler:You got it.

 

Monica:Chandler?

 

Chandler:Yeah?

 

Monica:Do you love me?

 

Chandler:†† More than you can imagine.Do you love me?

 

Monica:I really do.(pause)Do you think itís odd that we havenít had sex in three weeks?

 

Chandler:Itís just a dry spell, it happens to all couples.

 

Monica:Iím afraid to have sex.

 

Chandler:Run that by me again.

 

Monica:Itís not you honey, you havenít done anything wrong, itís me.

 

Chandler:So youíre not mad at me for spilling coffee all over the rug?

 

Monica:You spilled coffee on the rug?

 

Chandler:No. Hypothetical question. (pause) Why are you afraid to have sex?

 

Monica:Iím afraid to get pregnant again.

 

Chandler:I thought that was what you wanted.What we wanted.

 

Monica:I think I need to talk to someone about my miscarriage.

 

Chandler:Thatís what Iím here for Mon.

 

Monica:No sweetie, I need to talk to a professional.

 

Chandler:Can I come?

 

Monica:Why do you wanna come?

 

Chandler:So I can better understand where youíre coming from.You havenít really been into it when we have had sex since that happened.

 

Monica:Youíve noticed?

 

Chandler:Yeah, except for that episode at Disneyland, youíve come across like youíre accommodating me.Itís like youíve been have sex with me just because itís expected.

 

Monica:Iím sorry.

 

Chandler:Whatís there to be sorry about?Iím just glad to know why youíve been acting so distant.

 

Monica:So youíll come with me?

 

Chandler:I wouldnít miss it.Come here.(Monica goes over and hugs Chandler)

 

Monica:I love you.

 

Chandler:I love you too.

 

Monica: Now where did you spill the coffee?

 

Chandler:I see some things havenít changed.

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Ross and Rachel are present)

 

Ross:So are you bummed that you and Pheebs broke up?

 

Joey:Not at all.Itís the greatest breakup ever.And besides, I get to go back to my ways.

 

Rachel:I guess we better warn the single female population in the tri-state area.

 

Joey:Very funny.

 

(a woman enters Central Perk)

 

Rachel:Ah Joey, I think you know that woman.

 

Ross:Where?

 

Rachel:She just walked in.

 

Woman:Joey?

 

Joey:Oh my God, Courteney, what are you doing here and where in Godís name is my stuff?