THE ONE WITH ALL THE HEARTACHE
Written by:†† Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Rachel:† So youíre saying that nothingís going on between you two?
Phoebe:† Pretty much.
Joey:† Yeah, we had sex 32 times and decided that was enough.† Now weíre just really good friends.††
Chandler:† Man I wish I could have had sex with my best friend before I got married.
Monica:† Are you saying that I wasnít your best friend?
Ross:† For the sake of Joeyís ass I hope so.†
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from earlier)
Phoebe:† So have you broken the news to Courteney yet?
Chandler:† What news?
Joey:† Iím breaking up with Courteney.†
Rachel:† What, why, ah how come?
Joey:† How Ďbout I answer the questions with one answer.† Iím not ready to get married and itís best if Courteney went along her way.† I love her, but not enough to marry her.
Chandler:† Great, Iím gonna lose my secretary.
Monica:† Would you stop being so selfish?† This must be hard for Joey.†
Joey:† Not really.† Iíve had a lot of practice.†
Chandler:† See?† I told you.† Look, youíre never allowed to date my secretaries again.†
Joey:† Courteney was the first attractive secretary you ever had.†
Phoebe:† What about me?† I was Chandlerís secretary.
Joey:† Except Phoebe of course.† You know I love you Phoebe.†
Phoebe:† Iíd be your secretary again Chandler.
Chandler:† Huh?† Ah, right, you already were my secretary once and that didnít go too well.†
Phoebe:† So much for trying to help out.
Joey:† You just wanna sleep with me again.†
Phoebe:† In your dreams.†
Rachel:† I see things are back to normal between you two.†
Monica:† Iíll be right back.†
Ross:† Where are you going?†
Monica:† To the bathroom.† I think Iím gonna be sick.† (Monica races to the bathroom)
Rachel:† I gonna make sure sheís alright.††† (Rachel gets up and follows her)
Joey:† Monís really been sick lately is she alright?
Phoebe:† She just pregnant.
Chandler:† Howíd you know sheís pregnant?
Phoebe:† I didnít.† Wild guess.† But I guess the catís out of the bag now.†
Joey:† Congratulations man.† (to Ross) I suppose you want to get in your high fives too.
Ross:† Iíve known for a while.†
Joey (to Chandler):† You mean Iím the last to find out?
Chandler:† We didnít want to tell anyone because Monicaís really frightened about being pregnant.† She doesnít want anything to go wrong.†
Phoebe:† Iím sure sheíll be fine. Morning sickness is normal.† Hell, I threw up for five months straight when I was pregnant.†
Ross:† Iím sure thatíll make her feel that much better.†
Phoebe:† Yeah, I use to see how far away from the toilet I could get before I got some on the floor.†
Joey:† Now I think Iím gonna be sick.
JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Courteney are eating lunch)
Courteney:† Your being awfully quiet, the cat got your tongue?
Joey:† Ah, we donít own a cat.† We own a chick and a duck.
Courteney:† It was an expression.
Joey:† What was?
Courteney:† Forget it.† Whatís the matter?
Joey:† Nothingís the matter.†
Courteney:† Alright.† My parents want to know if we want to have dinner with them.† What da ya think?
Joey:† About what?
Courteney:† Are you listening to me?
Courteney:† Do you wanna have dinner with my parents then?
Joey:† No, I donít think itís a good idea.†
Courteney:† Why not?
Joey (long pause):† Iím breaking our engagement.† Iím leaving you.†
(Courteney stands in shock)
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica is napping on the couch.† Chandler and Phoebe are playing cards at the table)
Phoebe:† Do you have any fives?
Chandler:† Weíre playing Gin Pheebs not Go Fish.
Phoebe:† So?† Do you or donít you have any fives?
Chandler:† Yes I do.† Why?
Phoebe:† I wasnít sure if I should discard the one I have in my hand or not.†
Chandler:† Just discard.† (Phoebe throws down an eight.† Chandler picks it up)† Just what I needed Phoebe.† Gin.
Phoebe:† Damn it!
(Monica awakens startled)
Monica:† What?!† What?!† Whatís wrong?!
Phoebe:† Your stupid husband just beat me at Gin.†
Chandler:† Are you alright Mon, youíre white as a ghost?†
Monica:† My belly really hurts.†
Phoebe:† Can we get you anything?
Monica: No.† I better go to the bathroom.†
Chandler (to Phoebe):† She should just set up shop in there.†
Phoebe:† You can be such a jerk sometimes.† (Goes to check on Monica)
Chandler:† I canít win anymore.†
Phoebe† (calling from the bathroom):† Chandler!† Chandler, call 911 now!
Chandler:† Whatís wrong?!
Phoebe:† Monica passed out and thereís blood coming from between her legs! Now call 911!
Chandler (dialing):† Yes, 911?† Yeah, itís my wife! Somethingís terribly wrong!† She, she, sheís bleeding between her legs! (pause)† Yeah sheís pregnant!† Ok! Ok!
Phoebe:† Are they coming?!
Chandler (entering the bathroom):† Oh my God!† Monica!† Monica, Iím right here!† (to Phoebe)† Go down stairs and wait for the paramedics!† Shown them where we are!†
Phoebe:† I wanna stay here!†
JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Continued from before)
Courteney:† Youíre ending things between us?
Joey:† Yeah.† Iím sorry, I just canít marry you.†
Courteney (now crying):† Why not?
Joey:† ĎCause Iím not ready yet.†
Courteney:† Then why in the hell did you ask me to marry you?!
Joey:† I got caught up in the moment.† I really do love you, I just canít marry you.†
Courteney:† Well this is just great.† Who is she?
Courteney:† Who stole your heart?†
Joey:† No one did.† Iím just not ready for marriage.†
Courteney:† Itís Phoebe isnít it?
Joey:† Phoebe has nothing to do with this.†
Courteney:† You slept with her didnít you?
Joey:† What does that matter?
Courteney:† Oh my God, you slept with Phoebe when you stayed at her place!† You werenít just talking about her problems, you were screwing her!
Joey:† Thatís not how it happened.†
Courteney:† Did you sleep with her?† (Joey doesnít answer)† Damn it Joey!† Did you sleep with her?† Answer me!
Joey:† I slept with her.†
Courteney:† Youíre a pig!† Get out!
Joey:† You get out, this is my apartment!
Courteney:† Fine!† But donít come looking for me, weíre through!
Joey:† Courteney, donít leave it like this.† I really do care for you.†
Courteney:† You care for me?† You went and stuck your pen in someone elseís ink!
Joey:† I made a mistake.† Phoebe and I have been friends for a long time, it just happened.
Courteney:† That makes it so much better!†
Joey:† Look, I was confused.† I needed to know for sure whether I was ready or not to get married.
Courteney:† And screwing your good friend Phoebe was the best way to determine that?† What are you, 8?† Why didnít you just talk to me?†
Joey:† ĎCause I think with the wrong head?
Courteney:†† You come any closer to me and Iím gonna cut that head off!
Joey:† Iím sorry, I never meant to hurt you.
Courteney:† Will you did a good job avoiding that now didnít you!† I canít believe Iíve wasted my time on you.† I thought you were different.† Actually you are different. You are scum.† You are the mold on bread.† You are the, theÖ.
Joey:† I got it!
(They both stop to hear the ruckus going on out in the hall)
Courteney:† What is that?† Canít they see weíre fighting here?
(Joey opens the door to see Monica on a stretcher surrounded by paramedics, Phoebe and Chandler)
Joey (to Chandler):† What happened?
Chandler:† Monicaís in serious trouble, weíre on the way to the hospital now!†
Courteney:† Is she alright?
Phoebe:† Does she look alright?
Courteney:† I wasnít talking to you you whore.†
(Phoebe looks at Joey)
Joey:† She knows.†
Phoebe:† I think Iíll be going now.†
Chandler (to Joey):† Call Ross and Rachel.† Weíre going to Mt. Sinai Hospital.†
Joey:†† Ok.† Iíll follow right behind you.†
(Joey shuts the door)
Courteney:† Where do you think youíre going?
Joey:† One of my closest friends is in trouble and youíre wondering where am I going?† What are you?† Selfish?
Courteney:† Weíre breaking up here!† You donít walk out on a breakup!†
Joey:† This is why I canít marry you, you always think of yourself first.†
(Courteney slaps Joey)
Courteney:† Weíre finished now.†
Joey:† Good.† I have to go now.† Take your time cleaning out your stuff.†
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are cleaning the apartment naked)
Rachel:† This is so much fun!
Ross:† I told you it was.†
Rachel:† Be careful with that vacuum.† I donít want you to harm the baby making equipment.†
Ross (sticking the vacuum cleaner hose to Rachelís neck)† Look, itís a hickey making machine!
Rachel:† Ross!† Cut it out!† Weíre supposed to have dinner with your parents tonight!
Ross:† Ew, that left a huge hickey on your neck.†
Rachel:† Give me that!
Rachel:† I wanna give you one.
Ross:† Forget it.†
Rachel:† How about a hummer?
Ross:† That would be interesting.† (Thereís a knock on the door)
Rachel:† Who is it?
Joey:† Itís Joey.† Monicaís in the hospital.† Hurry up, weíve gotta go!
(Rachel opens the door forgetting sheís naked)
Rachel:† What?† What happened?!
Joey:† Ah Rachel, youíre completely naked.††
Rachel (runs and takes cover in the kitchen):† Oops!
Joey:† Ross, would you please cover up?
Joey:† What were you guys doing?
Joey:† I definitely need to hang out at the Geller household more often.†
Rachel:† Whatís the matter with Monica?
Joey:† I really donít know.† The paramedics took her to Mt. Sinai.† Now go get some clothes on and letís go.† Oh, and Rach, nice boobies, Ross is a lucky man.
MT SINAI HOSPITAL Ė WAITING ROOM (Chandler, Phoebe, Mr. & Mrs. Geller are present)
Chandler:† This is all my fault.† Always joking around with her and saying that everything was gonna be fine.
Mrs. Geller:† Why didnít you tell us that our daughter was pregnant Chandler?
Chandler:† She didnít want anyone to know.† She was afraid that something might happen.†
Mr. Geller:† Itís gonna be ok Judy.† Monica will pull out of this, she always does.†
Phoebe:† But what if she doesnít?† (everyone stares at Phoebe) Sorry, it just came out.†
(Ross, Rachel and Joey enter)
Ross:† Mom, Dad, how is she?
Mrs. Geller:† We donít know anything yet.† The doctor is still in there with her.
Mr. Geller:† What have you two been up to?† (looks at Rachelís neck)† Been doing some serious necking?
Rachel (embarrassed):† No, we were cleaning the apartment.†
Joey:† Donít forget the naked part.†
Mr. Geller:† Ah donít be shy Rachel, Judy and I still clean the house naked once and a while.†
Ross:† Too much information Dad!
Chandler:† Where is the God damn doctor?!
Ross:† Itís gonna be ok Chandler.†
Chandler:† How do you know?† She could be dead for all I know.† I couldíve lost the most important person in my life.† So tell me Ross, how do you know thatís itís gonna be ok?† Are you a doctor?
Ross:† I donít know, I was only trying to help.
Chandler:† Well stop trying to help!
Joey:† Actually Chandler, he is a doctor.† Thatís why they call him Dr. Geller.†
Chandler (to Phoebe):† Get him away from me now!
Phoebe:† Letís go get some ice cream Joe in the cafeteria.† (Phoebe and Joey leave)
Rachel:† Why donít we all just sit down and wait for the doctor to come out?† (everyone but Chandler sits)† Well four out of five isnít bad.†
MT. SINAI - CAFETERIA (Joey and Phoebe are eating ice cream)
Phoebe:† So you broke up with her?
Joey:† Yeah and it got ugly.†
Phoebe:† What did you expect?† You told her that you slept with me.
Joey:† I dunno.† I just figured sheíd understand that I canít marry her.† It wouldnít be fair to her.†
Phoebe:† How did you leave it?
Joey:† I told her that she could take all the time she needed to move her stuff out.†
Phoebe:† You left her in your apartment?
Joey:† Yeah.† Monica was in trouble.† Thatís more important to me than breaking up with Courteney.†
Phoebe:† Thatís why you couldnít marry Courteney Joey.†
Phoebe:† You care more about your friends then you do for her.†
Joey:† I care for Courteney.†
Phoebe:† Iím just saying that you care for your friends more than you care for Courteney.† If you were ready for marriage, itíd be the other way around.†
Joey:† Youíre right.† I do care more about my friends then her.† Thanks Phoebe.† I love you.†
Phoebe:† I love you too Joey.†
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL Ė WAITING ROOM
Chandler:† I think Iím gonna be sick.†
Ross:† Hereís a trash can.†
Chandler:† What did I tell you about helping?
Ross:† Hey, sheís my sister you know.† Iíve known her longer than you!
Chandler:† Well sheís my wife now!† So back off!
Mr. Geller:† Boys, knock it off!
Rachel:† Ross come sit by me.†
Rachel:† Because I said so.†† (Ross sits down by Rachel)†
(Phoebe and Joey return)
Joey:† Any news?
Mrs. Geller:† No.† Weíre still waiting.†
Phoebe:† Should I go get my guitar?
Phoebe:† Ok, Iím sensing a little hostility towards the arts here.
(The Doctor comes out and everyone stands)†
Dr. Newer:† Hi, Iím Dr. Maureen Newer, Monicaís OBGYN-Doctor.† Whereís Chandler?
Chandler:† Iím Chandler.† Is she ok?
Dr. Newer:† Sheís gonna be fine.†
Chandler:† And the baby?
Dr. Newer:† Iím sorry, Monicaís body aborted the fetus.†
Dr. Newer:† Monica had a miscarriage, Iím sorry.†
(Chandler breaks down in tears and is comforted by Rachel)†
Mrs. Geller:† Will she ever be able to have kids?
Dr. Newer:† Itís still a little too early to tell, but after examining her, it looks like she will be able to have kids.† What Monica needs right now is her family and friends and from what I can see, she definitely has that.† Chandler, would you like to see your wife?† Sheís asked to see you.†
MT SINAI HOSPITAL Ė MONICAíS ROOM
Chandler:† Hi sweetie.†
Chandler:† How you doiní?
Monica (laughs weakly):† Iím missing about a quart of blood.† How you doiní?
Chandler:† Iím a little shaken, but not stirred.†
Monica (filling up with tears):† Iím sorry, this is all my fault.†
Chandler:† Donít say that.† Itís no oneís fault, things just happen.†
Monica:† But it happened to me!
Chandler:† And youíll, I mean we, will get through it.† Dr. Newer said that we can try for another baby soon.†
Monica:† Do you wanna do it right now?
Chandler:† I think you should get your energy back some other way.†
Monica:† This happened because I got drunk at the wedding.†
Chandler:† It had nothing to do with that.†
Monica:† Yes it did.†
Chandler:† Listen to me, it had nothing to do with that.† Sometimes things just happen for a reason and this is one of those times.† This happened so we can learn more about ourselves.†
Monica:† What are you talking about?
Chandler:† Sorry, I heard that on Oprah.† But seriously, weíre gonna be ok.† Now get some rest.† Iím gonna tell the others to go home and say they can see you tomorrow.†
Monica:† I love you.†
Chandler:† I love you too.
THE HALL OUTSIDE JOEYíS APARTMENT
Phoebe:† Do you think sheís gone?
Joey:† She probably went to her parents.† Do you wanna come inside?
Phoebe:† And do what?
Joey:† Have sex.†
Phoebe:† I told you, weíre not doing that anymore.†
Joey:† I was kidding. We can just hang out.†
(Joey opens the door to his apartment.† He and Phoebe enter, the whole place has been cleaned out)
Phoebe:† Well it looks like she cleaned you out.† She took her stuff and yours.†
Joey:† Can I stay at your place for a while?