THE ONE WITH THE HOLIDAY
Written by:†† Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK Ė (Everyone but Monica is present)†
Rachel:† I really love this time of year.†
Ross:† Yeah, the snow, the sleet, the freezing rain, stepping in ice puddles, you canít beat it.†
Rachel:† Thatís not what I meant.†
Phoebe:† I love the Christmas lights, the way they flicker against the backdrop of snow falling, it makes me feel all warm inside.
Chandler:† Reading Christmas cards again Pheebs?
Phoebe:† Of course.† You think I believe that crap?
Joey:† Well I for one love the holidays.
Rachel:† See, I knew I could count on Joey.† I knew he could see the true meaning of the holidays.†
Joey:† Yeah, I mean who wouldnít love the holidays.† Itís the best time of the year to get all the stuff that you canít afford yourself.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Joey and Ross are present)
Joey:† Dude, this place looks like a girl lives here.† What the hell is this?
Ross:† Thatís aÖ..I have no idea what that is.
Joey:† So what are you getting Rach for Christmas?
Ross:† I have no idea.†
Joey:† How aboutÖ..
Ross:† And Iím not giving her coupons for Ross love.†
Joey:† I was gonna say give her Joey love coupons.† You know Iíve always had the hots for her.†
Joey:† Oh, Iím sorry, thatís Monica that I have the hots for.†
Ross:† Thatís even worse!
Joey:† Howís that worse?
Ross:† Thatís my sister youíre talking about.†
Joey:† Dude, donít wig out on me!† Chandlerís the one doing your sister.†
Ross:† What are you getting Phoebe?
Joey:† Coupons for Joey love.†
Ross:† Seriously, what are you getting her?
Joey:† That not good enough?
Ross:† No! Sheís your girlfriend now.† Youíve got to get her something special.†
Joey:† Maybe Iíll give herÖ.
Ross:† And throwing in a trip to Tonyís Pizza isnít gonna cut it either.†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe:† Arenít you supposed to be at work?
Chandler:† What day is it?
Phoebe:† Itís Tuesday.
Chandler:† No, the date.†
Phoebe:† Itís December 11.†
Chandler (looking in his daily planner):† Let me seeÖ.nope, today is a sick day.†
Phoebe:† You schedule your sick days?
Chandler:† Of course.† I have tomorrow off too to recover from my stomach flu today.†
Phoebe:† Then why did you act like you were leaving for work this morning?
Chandler:† So Monica would think Iím at work.†
Phoebe:† But what happens if she calls you at work?
Chandler:† My office phone forwards my calls to here.†
Phoebe:† Thatís amazing.† But what if youíre not here?† What about your message machine?
Chandler:† The message machine happens to be broken.†
Chandler:† Itís kinda hard for it to work when itís unplugged.
Phoebe:† Ok, last one.† I think Iíve got you this time you lying weasel.† What if Monica comes home unexpectedly?
Chandler:† Then I rush to the bathroom and act like Iím throwing up.†
Phoebe:† Youíre a genius.†
Chandler:† That has been said by manyÖ.except by my own wife.
Phoebe:† So are you ready to go shopping?†
Chandler:† Lead the way my fair lady.††††
VICTORIAíS SECRET (Rachel is working when Monica enters)
Rachel:† What are you doing here?!
Monica:† Itís nice to see you too.†
Rachel:† Sorry, you startled me.† Whatís up?
Monica:† Can you get out of here today?
Rachel:† Not really.†
Monica:† Come on, letís go shopping.†
Rachel:† Oh sweetie Iíd love to but Iíve gotta finish this report for my boss.†
Monica:† Tell her that your morning sickness is outta control.†
Rachel:† As in accidentally puking on the report so I have to re-do it when I feel better?
Monica:† Whatever floats your boat.†
Rachel:† Give me a minute.†
Monica:† Iíll be out in the hall.
(Monica goes out into the hall)
Monica (to Rachelís secretary):† Hi, Iím Monica, Rachelís friend.†
Secretary:† Thatís nice.† Excuse me.†
(Rachel emerges from her office)
Rachel:† Letís go shopping.†
Monica:† Ah, whatís the matter with your secretary?† She was totally rude to me.
Rachel:† Did you introduce yourself?
Rachel:† Yeah, she hates people who are nice to her.†
MACYíS DEPARTMENT STORE (Phoebe and Chandler are shopping)†
Chandler:† Why are we here?
Phoebe:† You have to get something nice for Monica.†
Chandler:† But I already got her something.†
Phoebe:† You are not giving her a gift certificate to Rite Aid.†
Chandler:† But think of all the cleaning supplies she could get.†
Phoebe:† How about this sweater?† Sheíd look good in this sweater.†
Chandler:† Is that what you want me to get you for Christmas Pheebs?
Phoebe:† No, what would make you think that?†
Chandler:† Ah, the fact that youíre drooling.†
Phoebe:† Would you get it or me?
Chandler:† Sure, itís easier than you returning any gift that I wouldíve picked out myself.
Phoebe:† Youíre so sweet.† Iím gonna try it on.† (Phoebe takes off her shirt and tries it on)
Chandler:† Ah, they have dressing rooms you know.†
Phoebe:† I know, but this is much quicker.† Itís perfect, Iíll take it.† I mean, Chandler, this would be a great gift for you to give me.†
Chandler:† Give me the sweater.† (Phoebe takes the sweater off, and goes to put her shirt back on)
Little Boy (passing by):† Momma, that womanís getting naked in the store.
Chandler (to woman):† Donít mind her, sheís with me.† Sheís my sister.† Sheís slow.† Sheís not allowed out without supervision.† If I werenít here sheíd be running around the store completely naked.
Woman:† She should really be in a dressing room, thereíre impressionable children in the store.†
Chandler:† I know. Iím sorry for the show. (The woman and boy walk away)† Phoebe!†
Phoebe:† Letís go find some lingerie for Monica.† Sheíd love that.†
Chandler:† Youíre not gonna try that on too are you?
Phoebe:† Maybe lover boy.†
VIRGIN MEGASTORE (Rachel and Monica are shopping)
Rachel:† Youíre really gonna get Chandler John Denverís box set for Christmas?
Monica:† Yeah, they donít have posters of Jane Leeves, itís the next best thing.† Ew, I should get him Britney Spearsí new album.†
Rachel:† He likes Britney Spears?† Isnít he a little old for that?
Monica:† He says he doesnít like her, but heís always singing her songs in the shower.†
Rachel:† Are you sure he isnít gay?
Monica:† I know, I wonder about that too.† What are you getting Ross?
Rachel:† Maybe I should pick him up some Kenny G CDs while Iím here.
Monica:† If you get some bubble bath soaps heíll love you forever.†
Rachel:† Ew, thatís a great idea.†
Monica:† Are you sure Ross isnít a girl?
Rachel:† If heís a girl, I wouldnít be knocked up now would I?† (pause)† He really does act like a girl doesnít he?
Monica:† Weíre pathetic, you married a girl and I married a closeted gay man.
TONYíS PIZZA (Ross and Joey are eating lunch)
Ross:† I canít believe youíre giving Phoebe an X-Box for Christmas.†
Ross:† Oh I dunno, the fact that she doesnít play video games comes to mind.
Joey:† But I do.†
Ross:† Youíre supposed to get her something that sheís gonna enjoy, not something that youíre gonna enjoy.†
Joey:† Look, you donít understand Phoebe and Iís relationship.† Itís different then a normal relationship.† Our relationship is special.† You wouldnít understand.†
Ross:† Based on sex?
Joey:† Ok, so you understand one aspect.† But itís deeper than that.†
Ross:† And selfishness?
Joey:† Ok, have you been talking to Phoebe behind my back?
Joey:† Look, you got Rachel clothes for Christmas.† What kinda gift is that?
Ross:† Theyíre maternity clothes and she needs them.†
Joey:† Clothes arenít fun!† Theyíre practical!† Get her something exciting!†
Ross:† I did get her something exciting!
Joey:† Ross, giving your wife Lamaze classes is not exciting.†
Ross:† So youíre saying I shouldíve gotten her an X-Box too?
Joey:† Now youíre thinking.† Letís go back to Toys Rí Us and get her the ultimate game machine.†
Ross:† Seriously, Iím gonna do something special for Rachel for Christmas.†
Joey:† What is it?†
Ross:† Like Iím gonna tell you.† Youíre dating the biggest mouth on the planet.†
Joey:† Hey, donít talk about Phoebe that way!†
Ross:† You know its true.†
Ross:† Thatís what I thought.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyoneís present)
Monica:† Did everyone finish there holiday shopping?
Joey:† We have to get gifts for everyone?!†
Monica:† Sorry Joey, youíre no longer a poor actor.† We expect gifts from you this year.†
Joey:† But itís Christmas Eve, all the stores are closed!† Damn it!† Iíll be back.† (Joey leaves)
Chandler:† I guess we can all expect gift certificates to Burger World from Joey.†
Phoebe:† I know what Chandler got everyone.†
Rachel:† Ew, what did he get me?
Phoebe:† A new vibrator.†
Chandler:† Phoebe!† You promised not to tell.†
Ross:† Well as exciting as this conversation is, Rachel and I have to go see Ben and give him his Christmas presents.†
Monica:† Damn, I forgot to get Ben something for Christmas.†
Phoebe:† What a great aunt you are.†
Chandler:† Donít worry Mon, I got Benís gift this year.†
Monica:† What did you get him?†
Chandler:† An X-box.†
Ross:† Whatís that?
Rachel:† You are a complete idiot Ross.† Everyone knows an X-box is the video game console of the 21st century.†
Ross:† Great, youíre gonna warp my kidís brain with video games.†
Phoebe:† Ross, I think youíve done enough damage with all the dinosaurs youíve gotten him.†
Ross:† Hey, those are educational toys.† Itís important for him to learn.†
Chandler:† Well now he can unlearn things while frying his mind when heís playing video games.
CAROL & SUSANíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are at the door)
Susan:† Who is it?
Ross:† Itís Ross and Rachel, the heterosexual parenting team.†
Susan:† Hey! Merry Christmas.†
Rachel:† Hey Susan, Merry Christmas.† Whereís Carol?
Susan:† Sheís with Ben in his bedroom.† (shouting)† Carol, Ross and Rachel are here. (normal voice)† Sorry, having a kid around does strange things to you.
Carol:† Hey guys, Merry Christmas.†
Ben:† Hi Daddy, hi Mommy Rachel.†
Ross:† Howís my boy?† Have you been good for Santa Claus this year?
Ben:† Dad, Santa Claus isnít real.†
Ross:† What?† Of course Santa Claus is real.†
Ben:† Then explain to me how he can deliver presents to 6 billion people in one night.† Itís physically impossible.†
Rachel (to Susan):† When did this happen?
Susan:† Tonight.† Thatís what Carol and Ben were talking about in his bedroom.†
Ross:† Ben, Santa Claus is real.† He can deliver presents to 6 billion people in one night because heís magical.†
Ben:† Fine, you believe what you wanna believe, but I know Santa isnít real.† What did you get me for Christmas?
Rachel:† Itís a surprise.† You canít open it until tomorrow.†
Ben:† You have no idea what Daddy got me do you?
Rachel:† Actually heís right, I have no idea.†
(knock on the door, Chandler and Monica enter)
Ben:† Cool, Uncle Chandlerís here!
Susan:† What about Auntie Monica?† Arenít you glad to see her too?
Ben:† Oh right, hi Auntie Monica.†
Monica:† Howís my favorite nephew?†
Ben:† Iím your only nephew.†
Susan:† Ben, stop being a brat or weíre sending all your gifts back.†
Monica (to Chandler) Thatís it, Iím giving him our present.†
Chandler (under his breath):† But Iím the one who bought it.††
Monica (under her breath):† Yes, but youíre only related to him because youíre married to me.† Now give it to me!†
Chandler:† Fine, here.†
Monica:† Ben, do you wanna open your gift from your Aunt and Uncle?†
Ben:† Can I mom?
Rachel (to Carol and Susan):† Which one of us is he talking to?
Susan:† Everyone say yes now.†
Ross:† Ok, thatís a little weird.†
Monica:† Here you go Ben.† (Ben takes the gift and starts tearing off the wrapping paper)
Ben:† Look everybody, Uncle Chandler and Aunt Monica got me an X-box!† (hugging Chandler) Thanks Uncle Chandler.†
Susan:† Donít forget Aunt Monica Ben.†
Ben:† Thanks Aunt Monica!†
Monica:† Your welcome Ben.†
Carol:† Ah Monica and Chandler can I see you guys for a minute?†
Carol:† Ok, next time we all have to get together to talk about what weíre getting Ben.†
Chandler:† Ok.† Why exactly?
Carol:† Because now Susan and I donít have a Santa gift for Ben.†
Chandler:† Sorry about that.†
Monica:† Yeah, we didnít know.†
Carol:† Itís ok, weíll us one of Rossí gifts as a Santa present.†
Chandler (laughing):† Why, do you make the kid not believe in Santa anymore?
Carol:† Actually Ben and I had the discussion tonight.† Apparently some kid at his school went around and told all the boys that Santa wasnít real anymore.†
Monica: Thatís a mean thing to do.†
Carol:† Yeah, I asked Ben how the other little boy could be so sure that Santa wasnít real.† You know what he said?
Carol:† If Santa were real heíd be so fat from eating all the cookies at each house he went to that heíd never fit down the chimney.†
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Christmas morning.† Rachel has awakened, Ross is still asleep)
Rachel:† Ross, wake up.† (shaking Ross)† Ross!† Wake up!†
Rachel:† Itís Christmas morning.†
Ross:† What time is it?
Rachel:† Itís 6:30 am.
Ross:† Now I now why the Jewish faith doesnít celebrate Christmas.†
Rachel:† What time did you come to bed last night?
Ross:† About two hours ago.†
Rachel:† What in the hell were you doing?†
Ross:† Youíll see.† May I go back to sleep now please?
Rachel:† No, I wanna know what you were doing until 4:30.†
Ross:† Let me sleep an hour and then Iíll show you.†
Rachel (whining):† But I wanna see now!†
Ross:† Ok, now youíre starting to sound like Janice.†
Rachel:† Ross Geller, I wanna see now.†
Ross:† Are you threatening me?
Ross:† Ok, ok. Letís go.†
(Ross and Rachel enter the family room)†
Ross:† Right this way.†
Rachel:† Should I close my eyes?†
Ross:† Iíd love to.
Rachel:† Not you you idiot, me.†
Ross:† Close your eyes.† (Rachel closes her eyes and Ross opens the door to the second bedroom)† Alright, open them.†
Rachel (opening her eyes and seeing the second bedroom done up as a nursery) Oh my God!† You did all this?
Rachel:† Oh Ross, itís so beautiful!† And itís in neutral colors, perfect for a boy or a girl.† I love it so much!†
Ross:† Thanks, can I go back to bed now?†
Rachel:† Yes.† Thanks honey, I love you so much.†
Ross:† I love you too.
Rachel:† Oh Ross?†
Rachel (crying):† I really do love it.†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyoneís present)
Joey:† Ha!† And you guys thought Iíd get you gift certificates to Burger World again.
Chandler:† You definitely went all out my man.† My own X-Box, now Iíll call in sick to work three days a week.† (notices Monica is glaring at him)† Not that Iíd ever do that if I werenít sick.†††
Monica:† Yeah right.† You forgot to plug the answering machine back in before I got home the other day.†
Phoebe:† He he, youíre so busted you lying little weasel.†
Monica:† Oh and Phoebe, we need to speak before you go.† Oh, and I love my steam cleaner.† Now we just have to get carpet.†
Chandler:† How do you like your sweater Pheebs?
Phoebe:† I love it.† Youíve got really great taste.†
Joey:† Rach, how about them Lamaze classes?† Ross really scored didnít he?
Rachel:† More than youíll ever know Joey.†
Joey (to Ross):† How do you do that?†
Ross:† It comes from being in touch with your feminine side.†
Joey:† Well at least that explains why I have no clue when it comes to buying presents for women.†
Monica:† So did you like the nursery Rach?†
Rachel:† I loved it.† I was so surprised.† None of you knew about this?†
Phoebe:† About what?†
Rachel:† The nursery that Ross spent all night getting ready for me.†
Phoebe:† Not a clue.†
Joey:† I knew.
Ross:† You did not!
Joey:† You told me you had a surprise for Rachel.†
Ross:† But I didnít tell you what it was.†
Chandler:† Yeah, Joeyís idea of a surprise present is dressing up naked and putting a ribbon on his head and saying ďMerry ChristmasĒ!†
Phoebe:† He told you about that?
Rachel:† Anyway, who got me these cooking classes?†
Chandler:† I did.†
Rachel:† Are you trying to tell me something?
Chandler:† It was Rossí idea.†
Rachel:† Oh was it?†
Ross:† I just thought that you might enjoy learning how to cook.†
Monica:† Where is Chandler?†
Phoebe:† He and Joey are out on the balcony looking through the telescope.† They mentioned something about hunting for naked women.†
Rachel:† Leave Ďem be Mon, itís Christmas.†
Ross:† I think Iíll go join Ďem.†
Rachel:† Sit down Ross!†
Monica:† What happened to ďitís ChristmasĒ Rach?
Rachel:† Your husband didnít tell his best friend to get you cooking classes for Christmas.
CAROL & SUSANíS APARTMENT (Ben has finished opening his gifts)†
Carol:† Well Ben, are you happy with what you got this year?
Ben:† Yeah.† I really canít wait to play video games.†
Susan:† So you believe in Santa again?
Ben:† Of course not.† Santa would never get me a junior paleontology set for Christmas.† The only Santa around here is Daddy.†
Carol:† But Daddy got you a telescope.†
Ben:† Oh.† I thought that was from Uncle Chandler.
Ben:† Because he told me that I could use a telescope to look for naked girls.†