THE ONE WITH THE HOLIDAY

 

Written by:†† Ethan

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Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK Ė (Everyone but Monica is present)

 

Rachel:I really love this time of year.

 

Ross:Yeah, the snow, the sleet, the freezing rain, stepping in ice puddles, you canít beat it.

 

Rachel:Thatís not what I meant.

 

Phoebe:I love the Christmas lights, the way they flicker against the backdrop of snow falling, it makes me feel all warm inside.

 

Chandler:Reading Christmas cards again Pheebs?

 

Phoebe:Of course.You think I believe that crap?

 

Joey:Well I for one love the holidays.

 

Rachel:See, I knew I could count on Joey.I knew he could see the true meaning of the holidays.

 

Joey:Yeah, I mean who wouldnít love the holidays.Itís the best time of the year to get all the stuff that you canít afford yourself.

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Joey and Ross are present)

 

Joey:Dude, this place looks like a girl lives here.What the hell is this?

 

Ross:Thatís aÖ..I have no idea what that is.

 

Joey:So what are you getting Rach for Christmas?

 

Ross:I have no idea.

 

Joey:How aboutÖ..

 

Ross:And Iím not giving her coupons for Ross love.

 

Joey:I was gonna say give her Joey love coupons.You know Iíve always had the hots for her.

 

Ross:What?

 

Joey:Oh, Iím sorry, thatís Monica that I have the hots for.

 

Ross:Thatís even worse!

 

Joey:Howís that worse?

 

Ross:Thatís my sister youíre talking about.

 

Joey:Dude, donít wig out on me!Chandlerís the one doing your sister.

 

Ross:What are you getting Phoebe?

 

Joey:Coupons for Joey love.

 

Ross:Seriously, what are you getting her?

 

Joey:That not good enough?

 

Ross:No! Sheís your girlfriend now.Youíve got to get her something special.

 

Joey:Maybe Iíll give herÖ.

 

Ross:And throwing in a trip to Tonyís Pizza isnít gonna cut it either.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Phoebe are present)

 

Phoebe:Arenít you supposed to be at work?

 

Chandler:What day is it?

 

Phoebe:Itís Tuesday.

 

Chandler:No, the date.

 

Phoebe:Itís December 11.

 

Chandler (looking in his daily planner):Let me seeÖ.nope, today is a sick day.

 

Phoebe:You schedule your sick days?

 

Chandler:Of course.I have tomorrow off too to recover from my stomach flu today.

 

Phoebe:Then why did you act like you were leaving for work this morning?

 

Chandler:So Monica would think Iím at work.

 

Phoebe:But what happens if she calls you at work?

 

Chandler:My office phone forwards my calls to here.

 

Phoebe:Thatís amazing.But what if youíre not here?What about your message machine?

 

Chandler:The message machine happens to be broken.

 

Phoebe:Really?

 

Chandler:Itís kinda hard for it to work when itís unplugged.

 

Phoebe:Ok, last one.I think Iíve got you this time you lying weasel.What if Monica comes home unexpectedly?

 

Chandler:Then I rush to the bathroom and act like Iím throwing up.

 

Phoebe:Youíre a genius.

 

Chandler:That has been said by manyÖ.except by my own wife.

 

Phoebe:So are you ready to go shopping?

 

Chandler:Lead the way my fair lady.††††

 

VICTORIAíS SECRET (Rachel is working when Monica enters)

 

Monica:Hey!

 

Rachel:What are you doing here?!

 

Monica:Itís nice to see you too.

 

Rachel:Sorry, you startled me.Whatís up?

 

Monica:Can you get out of here today?

 

Rachel:Not really.

 

Monica:Come on, letís go shopping.

 

Rachel:Oh sweetie Iíd love to but Iíve gotta finish this report for my boss.

 

Monica:Tell her that your morning sickness is outta control.

 

Rachel:As in accidentally puking on the report so I have to re-do it when I feel better?

 

Monica:Whatever floats your boat.

 

Rachel:Give me a minute.

 

Monica:Iíll be out in the hall.

 

(Monica goes out into the hall)

 

Monica (to Rachelís secretary):Hi, Iím Monica, Rachelís friend.

 

Secretary:Thatís nice.Excuse me.

 

(Rachel emerges from her office)

 

Rachel:Letís go shopping.

 

Monica:Ah, whatís the matter with your secretary?She was totally rude to me.

 

Rachel:Did you introduce yourself?

 

Monica:Yeah.

 

Rachel:Yeah, she hates people who are nice to her.

 

MACYíS DEPARTMENT STORE (Phoebe and Chandler are shopping)

 

Chandler:Why are we here?

 

Phoebe:You have to get something nice for Monica.

 

Chandler:But I already got her something.

 

Phoebe:You are not giving her a gift certificate to Rite Aid.

 

Chandler:But think of all the cleaning supplies she could get.

 

Phoebe:How about this sweater?Sheíd look good in this sweater.

 

Chandler:Is that what you want me to get you for Christmas Pheebs?

 

Phoebe:No, what would make you think that?

 

Chandler:Ah, the fact that youíre drooling.

 

Phoebe:Would you get it or me?

 

Chandler:Sure, itís easier than you returning any gift that I wouldíve picked out myself.

 

Phoebe:Youíre so sweet.Iím gonna try it on.(Phoebe takes off her shirt and tries it on)

 

Chandler:Ah, they have dressing rooms you know.

 

Phoebe:I know, but this is much quicker.Itís perfect, Iíll take it.I mean, Chandler, this would be a great gift for you to give me.

 

Chandler:Give me the sweater.(Phoebe takes the sweater off, and goes to put her shirt back on)

 

Little Boy (passing by):Momma, that womanís getting naked in the store.

 

Chandler (to woman):Donít mind her, sheís with me.Sheís my sister.Sheís slow.Sheís not allowed out without supervision.If I werenít here sheíd be running around the store completely naked.

 

Woman:She should really be in a dressing room, thereíre impressionable children in the store.

 

Chandler:I know. Iím sorry for the show. (The woman and boy walk away)Phoebe!

 

Phoebe:Letís go find some lingerie for Monica.Sheíd love that.

 

Chandler:Youíre not gonna try that on too are you?

 

Phoebe:Maybe lover boy.

 

VIRGIN MEGASTORE (Rachel and Monica are shopping)

 

Rachel:Youíre really gonna get Chandler John Denverís box set for Christmas?

 

Monica:Yeah, they donít have posters of Jane Leeves, itís the next best thing.Ew, I should get him Britney Spearsí new album.

 

Rachel:He likes Britney Spears?Isnít he a little old for that?

 

Monica:He says he doesnít like her, but heís always singing her songs in the shower.

 

Rachel:Are you sure he isnít gay?

 

Monica:I know, I wonder about that too.What are you getting Ross?

 

Rachel:Maybe I should pick him up some Kenny G CDs while Iím here.

 

Monica:If you get some bubble bath soaps heíll love you forever.

 

Rachel:Ew, thatís a great idea.

 

Monica:Are you sure Ross isnít a girl?

 

Rachel:If heís a girl, I wouldnít be knocked up now would I?(pause)He really does act like a girl doesnít he?

 

Monica:Weíre pathetic, you married a girl and I married a closeted gay man.

 

TONYíS PIZZA (Ross and Joey are eating lunch)

 

Ross:I canít believe youíre giving Phoebe an X-Box for Christmas.

 

Joey:Why?

 

Ross:Oh I dunno, the fact that she doesnít play video games comes to mind.

 

Joey:But I do.

 

Ross:Youíre supposed to get her something that sheís gonna enjoy, not something that youíre gonna enjoy.

 

Joey:Look, you donít understand Phoebe and Iís relationship.Itís different then a normal relationship.Our relationship is special.You wouldnít understand.

 

Ross:Based on sex?

 

Joey:Ok, so you understand one aspect.But itís deeper than that.

 

Ross:And selfishness?

 

Joey:Ok, have you been talking to Phoebe behind my back?

 

Ross:No!

 

Joey:Look, you got Rachel clothes for Christmas.What kinda gift is that?

 

Ross:Theyíre maternity clothes and she needs them.

 

Joey:Clothes arenít fun!Theyíre practical!Get her something exciting!

 

Ross:I did get her something exciting!

 

Joey:Ross, giving your wife Lamaze classes is not exciting.

 

Ross:So youíre saying I shouldíve gotten her an X-Box too?

 

Joey:Now youíre thinking.Letís go back to Toys Rí Us and get her the ultimate game machine.

 

Ross:Seriously, Iím gonna do something special for Rachel for Christmas.

 

Joey:What is it?

 

Ross:Like Iím gonna tell you.Youíre dating the biggest mouth on the planet.

 

Joey:Hey, donít talk about Phoebe that way!

 

Ross:You know its true.

 

Joey:Still.

 

Ross:Thatís what I thought.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyoneís present)

 

Monica:Did everyone finish there holiday shopping?

 

Joey:We have to get gifts for everyone?!

 

Monica:Sorry Joey, youíre no longer a poor actor.We expect gifts from you this year.

 

Joey:But itís Christmas Eve, all the stores are closed!Damn it!Iíll be back.(Joey leaves)

 

Chandler:I guess we can all expect gift certificates to Burger World from Joey.

 

Phoebe:I know what Chandler got everyone.

 

Rachel:Ew, what did he get me?

 

Phoebe:A new vibrator.

 

Chandler:Phoebe!You promised not to tell.

 

Ross:Well as exciting as this conversation is, Rachel and I have to go see Ben and give him his Christmas presents.

 

Monica:Damn, I forgot to get Ben something for Christmas.

 

Phoebe:What a great aunt you are.

 

Chandler:Donít worry Mon, I got Benís gift this year.

 

Monica:What did you get him?

 

Chandler:An X-box.

 

Ross:Whatís that?

 

Rachel:You are a complete idiot Ross.Everyone knows an X-box is the video game console of the 21st century.

 

Ross:Great, youíre gonna warp my kidís brain with video games.

 

Phoebe:Ross, I think youíve done enough damage with all the dinosaurs youíve gotten him.

 

Ross:Hey, those are educational toys.Itís important for him to learn.

 

Chandler:Well now he can unlearn things while frying his mind when heís playing video games.

 

CAROL & SUSANíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are at the door)

 

Susan:Who is it?

 

Ross:Itís Ross and Rachel, the heterosexual parenting team.

 

Susan:Hey! Merry Christmas.

 

Ross:Susan.

 

Susan:Ross.

 

Rachel:Hey Susan, Merry Christmas.Whereís Carol?

 

Susan:Sheís with Ben in his bedroom.(shouting)Carol, Ross and Rachel are here. (normal voice)Sorry, having a kid around does strange things to you.

 

Carol:Hey guys, Merry Christmas.

 

Ben:Hi Daddy, hi Mommy Rachel.

 

Ross:Howís my boy?Have you been good for Santa Claus this year?

 

Ben:Dad, Santa Claus isnít real.

 

Ross:What?Of course Santa Claus is real.

 

Ben:Then explain to me how he can deliver presents to 6 billion people in one night.Itís physically impossible.

 

Rachel (to Susan):When did this happen?

 

Susan:Tonight.Thatís what Carol and Ben were talking about in his bedroom.

 

Ross:Ben, Santa Claus is real.He can deliver presents to 6 billion people in one night because heís magical.

 

Ben:Fine, you believe what you wanna believe, but I know Santa isnít real.What did you get me for Christmas?

 

Rachel:Itís a surprise.You canít open it until tomorrow.

 

Ben:You have no idea what Daddy got me do you?

 

Carol:Ben!

 

Rachel:Actually heís right, I have no idea.

 

(knock on the door, Chandler and Monica enter)

 

Ben:Cool, Uncle Chandlerís here!

 

Susan:What about Auntie Monica?Arenít you glad to see her too?

 

Ben:Oh right, hi Auntie Monica.

 

Monica:Howís my favorite nephew?

 

Ben:Iím your only nephew.

 

Susan:Ben, stop being a brat or weíre sending all your gifts back.

 

Monica (to Chandler) Thatís it, Iím giving him our present.

 

Chandler (under his breath):But Iím the one who bought it.††

 

Monica (under her breath):Yes, but youíre only related to him because youíre married to me.Now give it to me!

 

Chandler:Fine, here.

 

Monica:Ben, do you wanna open your gift from your Aunt and Uncle?

 

Ben:Can I mom?

 

Rachel (to Carol and Susan):Which one of us is he talking to?

 

Susan:Everyone say yes now.

 

Susan/Carol/Rachel:Yes.

 

Ross:Ok, thatís a little weird.

 

Monica:Here you go Ben.(Ben takes the gift and starts tearing off the wrapping paper)

 

Ben:Look everybody, Uncle Chandler and Aunt Monica got me an X-box!(hugging Chandler) Thanks Uncle Chandler.

 

Susan:Donít forget Aunt Monica Ben.

 

Ben:Thanks Aunt Monica!

 

Monica:Your welcome Ben.

 

Carol:Ah Monica and Chandler can I see you guys for a minute?

 

Monica:Sure.

 

Carol:Ok, next time we all have to get together to talk about what weíre getting Ben.

 

Chandler:Ok.Why exactly?

 

Carol:Because now Susan and I donít have a Santa gift for Ben.

 

Chandler:Sorry about that.

 

Monica:Yeah, we didnít know.

 

Carol:Itís ok, weíll us one of Rossí gifts as a Santa present.

 

Chandler (laughing):Why, do you make the kid not believe in Santa anymore?

 

Monica:Chandler!

 

Carol:Actually Ben and I had the discussion tonight.Apparently some kid at his school went around and told all the boys that Santa wasnít real anymore.

 

Monica: Thatís a mean thing to do.

 

Carol:Yeah, I asked Ben how the other little boy could be so sure that Santa wasnít real.You know what he said?

 

Monica:What?

 

Carol:If Santa were real heíd be so fat from eating all the cookies at each house he went to that heíd never fit down the chimney.

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Christmas morning.Rachel has awakened, Ross is still asleep)

 

Rachel:Ross, wake up.(shaking Ross)Ross!Wake up!

 

Ross:What?!

 

Rachel:Itís Christmas morning.

 

Ross:What time is it?

 

Rachel:Itís 6:30 am.

 

Ross:Now I now why the Jewish faith doesnít celebrate Christmas.

 

Rachel:What time did you come to bed last night?

 

Ross:About two hours ago.

 

Rachel:What in the hell were you doing?

 

Ross:Youíll see.May I go back to sleep now please?

 

Rachel:No, I wanna know what you were doing until 4:30.

 

Ross:Let me sleep an hour and then Iíll show you.

 

Rachel (whining):But I wanna see now!

 

Ross:Ok, now youíre starting to sound like Janice.

 

Rachel:Ross Geller, I wanna see now.

 

Ross:Are you threatening me?

 

Rachel:Yes.

 

Ross:Ok, ok. Letís go.

 

(Ross and Rachel enter the family room)

 

Rachel:Well?

 

Ross:Right this way.

 

Rachel:Should I close my eyes?

 

Ross:Iíd love to.

 

Rachel:Not you you idiot, me.

 

Ross:Close your eyes.(Rachel closes her eyes and Ross opens the door to the second bedroom)Alright, open them.

 

Rachel (opening her eyes and seeing the second bedroom done up as a nursery) Oh my God!You did all this?

 

Ross:Surprise!

 

Rachel:Oh Ross, itís so beautiful!And itís in neutral colors, perfect for a boy or a girl.I love it so much!

 

Ross:Thanks, can I go back to bed now?

 

Rachel:Yes.Thanks honey, I love you so much.

 

Ross:I love you too.

 

Rachel:Oh Ross?

 

Ross:Yeah?

 

Rachel (crying):I really do love it.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyoneís present)

 

Joey:Ha!And you guys thought Iíd get you gift certificates to Burger World again.

 

Chandler:You definitely went all out my man.My own X-Box, now Iíll call in sick to work three days a week.(notices Monica is glaring at him)Not that Iíd ever do that if I werenít sick.†††

 

Monica:Yeah right.You forgot to plug the answering machine back in before I got home the other day.

 

Phoebe:He he, youíre so busted you lying little weasel.

 

Monica:Oh and Phoebe, we need to speak before you go.Oh, and I love my steam cleaner.Now we just have to get carpet.

 

Chandler:How do you like your sweater Pheebs?

 

Phoebe:I love it.Youíve got really great taste.

 

Joey:Rach, how about them Lamaze classes?Ross really scored didnít he?

 

Rachel:More than youíll ever know Joey.

 

Joey (to Ross):How do you do that?

 

Ross:It comes from being in touch with your feminine side.

 

Joey:Well at least that explains why I have no clue when it comes to buying presents for women.

 

Monica:So did you like the nursery Rach?

 

Rachel:I loved it.I was so surprised.None of you knew about this?

 

Phoebe:About what?

 

Rachel:The nursery that Ross spent all night getting ready for me.

 

Phoebe:Not a clue.

 

Joey:I knew.

 

Ross:You did not!

 

Joey:You told me you had a surprise for Rachel.

 

Ross:But I didnít tell you what it was.

 

Chandler:Yeah, Joeyís idea of a surprise present is dressing up naked and putting a ribbon on his head and saying ďMerry ChristmasĒ!

 

Phoebe:He told you about that?

 

Rachel:Anyway, who got me these cooking classes?

 

Chandler:I did.

 

Rachel:Are you trying to tell me something?

 

Chandler:It was Rossí idea.

 

Rachel:Oh was it?

 

Ross:I just thought that you might enjoy learning how to cook.

 

Monica:Where is Chandler?

 

Phoebe:He and Joey are out on the balcony looking through the telescope.They mentioned something about hunting for naked women.

 

Rachel:Leave Ďem be Mon, itís Christmas.

 

Ross:I think Iíll go join Ďem.

 

Rachel:Sit down Ross!

 

Monica:What happened to ďitís ChristmasĒ Rach?

 

Rachel:Your husband didnít tell his best friend to get you cooking classes for Christmas.

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

CAROL & SUSANíS APARTMENT (Ben has finished opening his gifts)

 

Carol:Well Ben, are you happy with what you got this year?

 

Ben:Yeah.I really canít wait to play video games.

 

Susan:So you believe in Santa again?

 

Ben:Of course not.Santa would never get me a junior paleontology set for Christmas.The only Santa around here is Daddy.

 

Carol:But Daddy got you a telescope.

 

Ben:Oh.I thought that was from Uncle Chandler.

 

Susan:Why?

 

Ben:Because he told me that I could use a telescope to look for naked girls.

 

 

 

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