THE ONE WHERE THE GOOD DOCTOR GELLER GOES HOLLYWOOD††

 

 

Written by: eze93@yahoo.com

 

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK(Everyone but Ross is present)

 

Phoebe (looking at some guy in the coffeehouse):Oh, that guy is so cute!

 

Monica:Go talk to him Phoebe.

 

Phoebe:No way, I wouldnít know what to say.Hey, that rhymes!

 

Chandler:Just go over there and be yourself.

 

Phoebe:Like Iím taking advice from a guy who was afraid to tell us he was dating Monica.

 

Chandler:Hey, thatís not fair.(everyone looks at Chandler)Ok, sheís right.

 

Rachel:Heís looking right at you Pheebs, heís definitely interested in you.

 

Joey:I know, go tell him that you think heís really cute and that you want to have sex with him tonight.

 

All (but Phoebe):Joey!

 

Phoebe:Thatís a great idea Joey, thanks!(Phoebe walks over to the guy and starts talking to him)

 

Joey:And you guys think I donít have a way with the ladies.

 

Chandler:No we donít doubt that, but when and where did you learn to pick-up guys?

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK(Continued from before.Phoebe is still talking to the guy)

 

Monica: They seem to be getting along.

 

Joey:Thatís because she took my advice.

 

Monica:Ok, they seem to be getting along in spite of Joeyís advice.

 

Chandler:By the way, whereís Jennifer?

 

Rachel:She left this morning for Los Angeles.Donít you wanna know where Ross is?

 

Chandler:Not particularly.

 

Rachel:Ross went with her.

 

Joey:Ross went to LA with Jennifer Aniston?

 

Rachel:Yup.Jennifer knows Steven Speilberg, and well, heís the Executive Producer for Jurassic Park III.Steven told Jennifer that they needed another technical adviser, so she recommended Ross.

 

Monica:And he asked Ross personally?

 

Rachel:Yeah.Heís flying to LA with Jennifer to meet Steven Speilberg, Joe Johnston, whoís directing, and the other technical advisers.

 

Joey:Youíre totally lying.No way does Ross get to meet Steven Speilberg.

 

Rachel:Well when he calls me from LA Iíll let you talk to him.

 

Joey:Ross or Steven Speilberg?

 

Rachel:Ross.

 

Chandler:Joey, do I smell a bet?

 

Joey:A bet?

 

Chandler:If Rachelís lying, Iíll wear a bikini all day.But if Rachelís telling the truth, youíll wear a bikini all day.

 

Joey:Youíre on.

 

Monica (pointing to Chandler and Joey):You two are morons.

 

Rachel:Better get your bikini out Joey.

 

(Phoebe returns)

 

Joey:Well?

 

Phoebe:His name is Ryan and weíre going out tonight.

 

Monica:Thatís great Phoebe!

 

Joey:Did you use the sex thing?

 

Phoebe:I didnít have to, I just told him that I was very limber.

 

LOS ANGELES Ė UNIVERSAL STUDIOS (Ross and Jennifer Aniston are going to their meeting with Steven Speilberg)

 

Ross:I canít do this.

 

Jennifer:Why not?

 

Ross:Because Iím not a celebrity.Iím just a paleontology professor.Iím a nobody.

 

Jennifer:Youíre a nobody who knows more about dinosaurs then almost all of the people in that room.Come on, you know your stuff.You read Dinosaur Monthly every month.

 

Ross:Youíre not gonna let me live that down are you?

 

Jennifer:Not likely.Are you ready?

 

Ross:I think Iím gonna be sick.

 

Jennifer:Ok, youíre definitely ready.††

 

(Jennifer and Ross enter the meeting room)

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT(Rachel and Monica are hanging out)

 

Rachel:And then Jennifer said that we should have flowers everywhere.

 

Monica:You know, you really seem to like Jennifer, thatís all you keep talking about.

 

Rachel:Iím sorry.Whatís up with you?

 

Monica:Well Chandler and I have decided to put off the whole baby thing.

 

Rachel:Oh that reminds me, Jennifer and Brad are thinking about having a baby.††

 

Monica:Rachel?

 

Rachel:What?

 

Monica:Would you please stop talking about Jennifer?

 

Rachel:Oh, was I doing it again?†† You know when you meet a new friend that you have so much in common with?

 

Monica:Kinda like you and I?

 

Rachel:Yeah.But in this case itís like the sister I never had.

 

Monica:You have two sisters.

 

Rachel:I know, but theyíre not nice people.

 

Monica:And Iím not like a sister to you?

 

Rachel:No.I mean yes.

 

Monica:Thatís convincing.You know what, I see where this is going.

 

Rachel:Huh?

 

Monica:You want Jennifer to be your Maid of Honor.

 

Rachel:No.No I donít.Youíre my Maid of Honor.

 

Monica:Let me make it easy for you, I donít want to be your Maid of Honor.

 

Rachel:Why not?

 

Monica (upset):Because I have been replaced as your best friend by a good looking, thin, perfect in every way movie star!

 

(Monica leaves the apartment visibly upset)

 

Rachel:What just happened?

 

SORENTINOíS RESTAURANT (Phoebe is having dinner with Ryan)

 

Ryan:You look really good tonight.

 

Phoebe:You should see me naked.

 

Ryan (spitting out his wine):What?

 

Phoebe:Well if we get to know one another better, I hope we get naked.Iím not one to brag, but I have got one hot body.

 

Ryan:I would agree.

 

Phoebe:And like I told you, Iím very limber too.

 

Ryan:Is there anything else youíd like to tell me?

 

Phoebe:Not really.(pause)Oh, I did make-out with my roommate Courteney once but we were drunk.Have you ever made-out with a guy?

 

Ryan:Ah, no.

 

Phoebe:Thatís good.I dated a gay guy once.Actually he was bi-sexual.He left me for a man.

 

Ryan:Youíre amazing.

 

Phoebe:I know.Youíre not too shabby yourself.

 

HOLLYWOOD HILLS Ė JENNIFER & BRADíS RESIDENCE(Jennifer and Ross have returned from their meeting)

 

Jennifer:See I told you it wouldnít be that bad, Steven really liked you.

 

Ross:Did he tell you that before or after I threw up?

 

Jennifer:Nothing came out, you just dry heaved.

 

Ross:Still, I dry heaved in front of the most powerful man in Hollywood.Are you sure Bradís not gonna mind me staying here?

 

Jennifer:Sure, why not?

 

Ross:I donít know?If it was me, Iíd be a littleÖ

 

Jennifer:A little what?

 

Ross:Weird.

 

Jennifer:Weird?That makes no sense.

 

Ross:No, itís just weird.Youíre a married woman letting some guy you barely know stay in your house while your husband is away.

 

Jennifer:Donít worry about it, we have an open relationship.

 

Ross:Excuse me?

 

Jennifer:Iím kidding Ross.Seriously, Brad wonít mind.If you want to call Rachel, the phoneís over there.Iím gonna go shower and change.Then if youíre up to it, will head into Santa Monica for coffee.

 

Ross:Sounds good.Ah, whereís my room, I need to change too.

 

Jennifer:The guest room is down the hall and to the left.Itís the room with all of Bradís awards, you canít miss it.If you want, Iíll wait and we can shower together.

 

Ross:Huh?

 

Jennifer:You have to be the most gullible person I know.Iíll be ready in fifteen minutes.

 

(Ross walks down the hall to the guest room)

 

Ross:My God, this room is bigger than our apartment!

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, and Chandler are present)

 

Joey:Weíre not really gonna do this bikini thing are we?

 

Chandler:We are.

 

Joey:Donít you think itís kinda embarrassing?

 

Chandler:Not for me, youíre the one whoís gonna be wearing the bikini.

 

Joey:You donít know that for sure, nobodyís seen or heard from Ross yet.

 

Chandler:I have, I spoke to him 20 minutes ago, he called our apartment looking for Rachel.

 

Joey:So?

 

Chandler:Get out your bikini man, Ross is in LA with Jennifer Aniston!

 

Joey:Nah uh.

 

Chandler:Uh huh.

 

Joey:Damn it!

 

(Joey leaves in a huff as Rachel enters)

 

Rachel:Whatís the matter with him?

 

Chandler:Apparently the news that heís gonna be wearing a bikini all day is upsetting to him.

 

Rachel:Ok.Ah, have you seen Monica?

 

Chandler:Sheís at work, why?

 

Rachel:I just really need to talk to her.

 

Chandler:I donít think thatís a good idea.

 

Rachel:Why not?

 

Chandler:Sheís really upset that youíre having Jennifer be your Maid of Honor instead of her.

 

Rachel:Iím not having Jennifer as my Maid of Honor!Sheís not even in my bridal party!

 

Chandler:Hey, donít yell at me.Iím just telling you what Monica told me.

 

Rachel:Monicaís my Maid of Honor!

 

Chandler:Ok, still yelling.

 

Rachel:Iím sorry, I just donít know where she got this idea that sheís not my Maid of Honor.

 

Chandler:Maybe you should ask her.

 

Rachel:You just told me that she doesnít want to talk to me!

 

Chandler:What do I know?I am a guy for Christís sake.

 

STARBUCKíS Ė SANTA MONICA, CALIFORNIA(Jennifer and Ross are having coffee)

 

Jennifer:So are you glad you made the trip?

 

Ross:Yeah, though I really miss Rachel.

 

Jennifer:Geez, you left her this morning and you already miss her.Now thatís love.

 

Ross:What?Donít you miss Brad?

 

Jennifer:Hell yes.If you werenít here Iíd be holed up in my house.

 

Ross:You donít go out when heís gone?

 

Jennifer:Itís kinda hard for me to go anywhere without the paparazzi bothering me.

 

Ross:Then why are we out now?

 

Jennifer:I really donít think I should answer that question.

 

Ross:Come on, I wanna know why.

 

Jennifer:Ok, but donít get upset.

 

Ross:I wonít get upset, I promise.

 

Jennifer:Ok.(pause)I can go out in public with you because most people would never expect me to be hanging out with someone like you.

 

Ross (mad):What?!

 

Jennifer:Ok see, I told you you wouldnít like that answer, but itís the truth.

 

Ross (calmer):Why wouldnít they think that you are a normal person like everyone else?

 

Jennifer:I am a movie star Ross.To them, we donít have normal friends like everyone else.I canít sunbathe topless in my own backyard because I fear the tabloids or some porn magazine will take pictures and publish them.

 

Ross:That sucks.

 

Jennifer:Which part?

 

Ross:The whole sunbathing topless deal, I love it when Rachel does that.(A photographerís flash goes off)What was that?

 

Jennifer:That was our cue that I have been spotted, we have to go.

 

Ross:This is so cool!(Jennifer just looks at him)Ok, for me at least.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Joey, Chandler & Monica are present)

 

Chandler:Whereís Courteney Joey?

 

Joey:She went to work already.Why are you still here?

 

Chandler:Because I donít have to be at work at a specific time now that Iím the head honcho.

 

Monica (to Chandler):You promised you wouldnít use that word anymore!

 

(Phoebe enters)

 

Joey:Hey Pheebs, how was the date?

 

Phoebe:It was yummy!

 

Chandler:Yummy?

 

Phoebe:Ryan is so yummy.I had such a great time with him.

 

Monica:Thatís great Phoebe.Maybe we can double date sometime?

 

Phoebe:No offense, but you canít double date with married people.

 

Monica:Why not?

 

Phoebe:ĎCause you canít.Joey, what are you and Courteney doing tonight?

 

Joey:Courteneyís going to her parents, sorry Pheebs.

 

Monica:Chandler and I are free Pheebs.

 

Phoebe:Sorry Mon, itís not gonna happen.Ok, Iíve got to go to the bank.Bye.

 

(Phoebe leaves)

 

Chandler:Alright, I better get to work.Wanna share a cab bikini man?

 

Joey:Stop calling me that.

 

Chandler:Are you coming or not?

 

Joey:Yeah.

 

(Chandler and Joey leave.Rachel enters)

 

Rachel:Mon, Iím so glad youíre here.

 

Monica:Look Rachel, Iíve got a lot to do today, this isnít the best time.Why donít you call Jennifer and chat with her?

 

Rachel (mad):Would you cut it out!

 

Monica:Are you yelling at me?

 

Rachel:No.

 

Monica:Are we done?

 

Rachel:No weíre not done.Weíre not done until you figure it out that youíre still my Maid of Honor.

 

Monica:I told you, I donít wanna be your Maid of Honor anymore.

 

Rachel (starting to cry):Why are you doing this to me?Youíre supposed to be my best friend!

 

Monica:I havenít done anything, youíve brought this on yourself.

 

Rachel:What are you talking about?

 

Monica:You have Jennifer now, you donít need me to be your best friend.

 

Rachel:Youíre not gonna be my Maid of Honor because Iím friends with Jennifer?

 

Monica:No, Iím not your Maid of Honor because you love her more than you love me!

 

Rachel (barely coherent because of her crying):What?! Youíre, youíre, youíre my closet and dearest friend and except for your stupid brother, I love you the most!

 

Monica (now also crying):Then why did you go out and find a new friend?Arenít Phoebe and I enough?

 

Rachel:If you give her a chance, Jennifer will be youíre friend too!Monica, weíve been friends since we were young, nothing can ever change that.Iím mean, you know things about me that Iíve never told Ross about.

 

Monica (now laughing/crying):Like the time we took that shower together?

 

Rachel:Yes.And the time we stole all of Rossís pot and smoked it ourselves.

 

Monica (walking over to Rachel and hugging her):Iím so sorry I got jealous.Can I still be your Maid of Honor?

 

Rachel:I wouldnít want anyone else.I love you.

 

Monica:I love you too.(pause) Wanna take a shower?

 

Rachel:Sorry, I donít do that with married women.

 

Monica:I should have never gotten married!

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

JFK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT (Three days have past.Everyone is waiting for Ross to get off the plane)

 

Joey:Where in the hell is he? Iím so hot!

 

Chandler:Then take off your coat, you look like an idiot with a coat on.Itís 90 degrees outside.

 

Joey:I am not taking off the coat.Iím wearing a bikini.

 

Monica:Please donít take off the coat Joey!

 

Rachel:There he is!

 

Monica:Do you have the paper?

 

Phoebe:Itís right here, but Iím not done reading the article.

 

Rachel:Give me the paper! (takes paper out of Phoebeís hand)

 

Phoebe:Paper cut!Paper cut!

 

Rachel:Ross, over here!

 

Ross:Hey sweetie! (hugs and kisses Rachel)What are you guys doing here? (pointing to the rest of the gang)

 

Chandler:Well we wanted to meet Jennifer Anistonís newest love interest.

 

Ross:What?

 

Rachel:Apparently you met some new love interest in LA.(shows Ross a headline that reads Ė JENNIFER CHEATING ON BRAD WITH NYU PROFESSOR)Would you care to explain?

 

Ross:Hey, thatís a picture of us having coffee at Starbuckís.This is so cool, Iím a celebrity now.By the way, why is Joey wearing a coat, itís hot as hell in here.

 

Joey:This is whyÖ.(Joey opens his coat and show Ross that heís wearing a bikini)

 

Ross:My eyes!My eyes!

 

The End