THE ONE WHERE THE HORMONES TAKE OVER

 

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica, Chandler and Joey are present)

Monica: Whereís Phoebe Joey?

Joey: She went to see Albino Bob.

Chandler: Why? And whoís Albino Bob?

Joey: Heís the homeless guy thatís been living in Phoebeís cab. Heís the one that got us arrested when we took the cab to Atlantic City.

Monica: So why did she go to see him?

Joey: She got him some sessions at a tanning booth.

Monica: But if heís an albino, heís just gonna get a sunburn.

Joey: Yeah I know, itís Phoebeís way of paying him back for having us arrested.

OPENING CREDITS

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are eating breakfast)

Ross: One more month, and then boom, out pops the baby!

Rachel: Yeah, itís gonna be just like that. Iím gonna put my feet in the stirrups and the baby is gonna come shooting out of my vagina.

Ross: Youíll be fine.

Rachel: How do you know? Have you ever given birth before?

Ross: No, but I watched Carol give birth to Ben.

Rachel: Did it hurt?

Ross: I donít know. It looked like it did.

Rachel: I canít do it. Thereís no way in hell Iím giving birth to this baby.

Ross: Youíre just nervous. Every expecting mother goes through that.

Rachel: What, are you a psychologist now?

Ross: No. Iím just sayingÖ..

Rachel (getting mad): What are you saying? That you could have this baby? That you could put up with the pain of childbirth?

Ross: Why are you getting mad? Iím just trying to tell you that youíre gonna be fine.

Rachel: Oh, so now youíre telling me how I feel?

Ross: Ok. I think Iíll go to work now.

Rachel (starting to cry): Donít you go anywhere! You started this conversation and I say itís not finished yet!

Ross: Honey, calm down. Itís gonna be ok.

Rachel (now bawling): How do you know? I could become the worst mother ever. Your wife could become the worst mother ever!

Ross: Rach, shush, youíre gonna be a great mother. The childbirth part might hurt a little bit, but the end result is gonna be pure magic.

Rachel: Great, now you think Iím a frigginí magician!

Ross: Ok, why donít you tell me what I should say.

(period of silence)

Rachel: Tell me that Iím gonna survive childbirth and that Iím gonna be a great mother.

Ross: Ok. Childbirth will be painful butÖ.

Rachel: Thatís not what I said!

Ross: Sorry. Youíre gonna survive childbirth and youíre gonna be a great mother.

Rachel (normal voice): Now was that so hard? Now go get me some milk.

CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe and Chandler are present)

Chandler: Howíd it go with Albino Bob?

Phoebe: Letís just say that heíll never turn in any of my friends again and leave it at that.

Chandler: What are you doing today?

Phoebe: Nothing.

Chandler: Wanna do something?

Phoebe: With you?

Chandler: Or if you feel like doing something by yourself.

Phoebe: No, I already did that today.

Chandler: Ok, so do you wanna do something?

Phoebe: Letís go roller-blading.

Chandler: Ok. But I gotta tell you, Iíve never been roller-blading before.

Phoebe: Man, youĎve had a sheltered life.

Chandler: So youíre saying that youíve been roller-blading before?

Phoebe: No, Iím just saying that youíve had a sheltered life.

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica is present. Sheís reading on the couch. Ross enters)

Ross: Hey Mon.

Monica: Whatís up Bro?

Ross: Bro?

Monica: I canít pull that off can I?

Ross: Youíre not even close.

Monica: Whereís Rachel?

Ross: She went to work.

Monica: I thought she went on leave starting today.

Ross: She did but she said she canít stand to be around me all day.

Monica: Itís 10 in the morning.

Ross: To her thatís all day. Let me ask you something, did Phoebe get all weird in the late stages of her pregnancy?

Monica: Totally. One minute she was, well Phoebe, and then next minute she was a raving bitch. Why? Is Rachel acting strange?

Ross: You could say that. She totally got mad at me this morning when I mentioned that in one month the baby was gonna be here. No matter what I said she turned it against me. I couldnít win.

Monica: Yup. Her hormones are in overdrive. Youíre in for one hell of a month.

Ross: Can I sleep here for the rest of the month?

Monica: Yeah right. Just be there for her, everything will be fine.

CENTRAL PARK (Phoebe and Chandler are getting ready to roller blade)

Chandler: Whereíd you get the roller blades?

Phoebe: You donít wanna know.

Chandler: Seriously, whereíd you get them?

Phoebe: I stole them.

Chandler: You stole them? Are you crazy?

Phoebe: Chill out. Monica and Rachel will never know thereíre missing.

Chandler: You took these without telling Monica? Are you insane? Sheís gonna flip out!

Phoebe: Sheíll be fine. She doesnít even know theyíre missing.

Chandler: Whoís pair do I have?

Phoebe: You have Rachelís.

Chandler: Man, these things fit perfectly. How can a woman so small have such large feet. Iím like 5 inches taller than Rachel and these fit perfectly.

Phoebe: Itís more like you have small feet. Those things donít fit me. You know what they say about a man that has small feet donít you?

Chandler: I do not have a small penis.

Phoebe: No, I wasnít talking about that. A man with a small feet has small hands.

Chandler: Thatís better.

Phoebe: You still have small penis.

Chandler: I do not! And besides, how would you know?

Phoebe: Women tell each other everything.

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica and Ross are present)

Monica: So have you gone baby shopping yet?

Ross: Are you kidding me? With Rachel as my wife? Weíve been baby shopping every weekend for the past eight months. That kid has so many outfits that sheíll outgrow them before she gets to wear them all.

Monica: Well itís Rachelís first child. Sheís gonna spoil her rotten.

Ross: No sheís not.

Monica: Are you forgetting your youth? Mom and Dad spoiled you rotten and Iíll I got was hand me downs. They dressed me like a boy for the first two years.

Ross: They did not.

Monica: Whatever. Look at this photo album. Look at me when I was one. What am I wearing?

Ross: A Ross is great T-shirt.

Monica: And that doesnít prove my point?

Ross: I just thought that you were a big fan of mine. But hey, just remember, you got Dadís Porsche.

Monica (sarcastically): Yeah, that totally evens out living in your shadow all my life.

(Rachel enters)

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: I thought you went to work.

Rachel: I did. My boss made me come home. Apparently my secretary complained that I was being inappropriate.

Monica: What did you do?

Rachel: I donít know. One minute I was telling her to get the prints on the latest catalogue and the next thing I know I being told to go home.

Ross: Howís that inappropriate?

Rachel: I donít know.

Ross: What else happened?

Rachel: Is it inappropriate to ask your secretary to help you get your underwear out of your crack?

Ross: A little.

Rachel (mad): What the hell do you know!

Ross (to Monica): See what I mean.

Rachel: What do you think Mon? Was I inappropriate?

Monica: Rachel honey, you know that I love you with all my heart and Iíd never say anything to hurt you, but yes, it is inappropriate to ask your secretary to help you get your underwear out of your crack.

Rachel (filling with tears): Thatís the sweetest thing youíve ever said to me. I love you too.

Ross: I love you too Rachel.

Rachel (mad again): Shut up gel boy, weíre having a moment here!

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey. (notices Monica and Rachel hugging) Whatís with those two?

Ross: TheyĎre having a moment.

Joey: So Rachel, youíre pretty huge, I bet youíre ready to get that baby out of you.

Rachel: What did you say?!

Ross: Donít repeat it Joey, donít repeat it.

Joey: I said youíre pretty huge, I bet youíre ready for the baby to be born.

Rachel (mad again): Are you saying Iím fat?!

Joey: No! No! Iím saying that you look absolutely lovely in those overalls.

Rachel (filling with tears again): Thatís the sweetest thing youíve ever said to me Joey. Come give me a hug.

Joey: Ok. (Joey hugs Rachel) Hormones acting up Rach?

Rachel: Just a little. Is it that noticeable?

Ross: Totally.

Rachel: F$ck you too butthead! I wasnít talking to you!

Ross (to Monica): Not a good day to be married to a pregnant woman. Iíll see you later.

(Ross leaves)

Monica: Rach, you know that I love you, but youíre being kinda hard on Ross.

Rachel: What did I do?

Joey: You just told him off.

Rachel: Oh that, yeah thatís completely normal.

CENTRAL PARK (Chandler and Phoebe are trying to Rollerblade. Phoebeís got a pretty good handle on it. Chandler on the other hand, canít get the hang of it.)

Phoebe: Come on gay boy, you can do it.

Chandler: I am not gay!

Phoebe: Youíre not much of a man either. Come on, let go of the railing, youíll be fine.

Chandler: Iím gonna break a bone if I do that!

Phoebe (blading over to Chandler): Here, take my hand, Iíll help you get the gist of this.

(Chandler grabs Phoebeís hand and they start to skate)

Chandler: Wow! IĎm getting the hang of this!

Phoebe: There you go, youíre doing it gay boy, youĎre doing it!

(Chandler suddenly falls and pulls Phoebe down with him. Phoebe winds up on top of Chandler)

Phoebe: Thanks for breaking my fall.

Chandler: Not a problem.

Phoebe: Monica and Joey wouldnít be too happy if they found us in this position.

Chandler: Probably not. Could you get up please, your bra is digging into my chest.

Phoebe: But Iím not wearing a bra.

Chandler: Then what is digging into my chest?

Phoebe: Must be my nipple rings.

Chandler: Joeyís a lucky man.

Phoebe: From the pressure on my thigh, Iíd say youíre a lucky man right now too.

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Monica and Rachel are present. Joey is staring at a beautiful woman who has just entered)

Joey: Wow! She could melt a glacier with that smile.

Monica: Itís ice. She could melt ice with that smile. Get it right Joey.

Rachel: Joey, arenít you married?

Joey: Yeah. So?

Rachel: So donít you think that you shouldnít be trying to pick up girls anymore?

Joey: You donít understand. Phoebe doesnít care. Our marriage is unique. We can see other people and still be married. Itís a win-win situation.

Monica: Joey, Phoebe does care. It totally bothers her.

Joey: It does not.

Rachel: Really? Then why did she say that it does bother her?

Joey: Thereís no way she said that. She doesnít mind.

Monica: Joey, you do realize that women tell each other everything.

Joey: So?

Rachel: So Phoebe obviously told us that it bothers her. Donít you care about how Phoebe feels?

Joey: Of course I do. I love Phoebe.

Monica: Do you think sheís as beautiful as that girl over there?

Joey: Phoebeís way prettier than that girl.

Monica: Whenís the last time you told Phoebe that sheís beautiful?

Joey: I dunno.

Rachel: Do you love Phoebe?

Joey: Of course I do. I wouldnít have married her if I didnít love her.

Monica: You married her to punish her for stealing Hugsy.

Joey: But I also love her as a person. Sheís really special to me.

Monica: Whenís the last time you told her that?

Joey: I dunno. I gotta go.

Monica: Whereíre you going?

Joey: To find Phoebe.

(Joey leaves as Ross enters)

Ross: Whereís Joey going?

Rachel (mad): Well if you werenít late you would know now wouldnít you gel boy?!

Ross: I was just asking. You donít have to bite my head off.

Rachel: Go get me some steamed milk!

Ross: Go get itÖ. (notices Rachel is glaring at him) Iíll go get you some steamed milk.

Rachel (Monica): Isnít he the greatest?

Monica: And when was the last time you told him that?

CENTRAL PARK (Chandler and Phoebe are still blading. Chandlerís finally getting the hang out it)

Chandler: This is so much fun!

Phoebe: Youíre doing great!

Chandler (covering his eyes): Look Pheebs, a blind man on skates!

Phoebe (noticing a down hill section approaching): Chandler, look out!

(Chandler uncovers his eyes but itís too late. He starts to go down the hill)

Chandler: How do I stop?! How do I stop?!

Phoebe: Use the brake!

Chandler: Iím not driving a car!

(Chandler crashes into a water fountain)

Phoebe: Chandler, are you ok?

Chandler: The good news is that IĎm alive. The bad news is that I think I separated my shoulder.

Phoebe: Are you in pain?

Chandler (calmly): Very much so. Could you please get an ambulance?

Phoebe: You need to go to the hospital?

Chandler (still calm): Yes. Now please go get me medical attention.

MT SINAI HOSPITAL (Chandler is in with the doctor. Phoebe is in the waiting room as the rest of the gang enters)

Ross: Pheebs! Is he ok?

Phoebe: Heís fine. The doctor said that he just separated his right shoulder.

Monica: Whereíd you guys get the roller blades?

Phoebe: I borrowed them from you and Rachel.

Rachel: I own roller blades?

Monica: Yeah. You left them at my apartment when you moved out.

Joey: Is he in a lot of pain?

Phoebe: Heís ok. He says it hurts, but heís ok.

Rachel: Of course heís ok. Itís not like he gave birth.

Ross: Show a little sympathy Rach.

Rachel (mad): Come over here and Iíll show you pain Dr. Geller!

(Chandler emerges from his room)

Monica: Honey, are you ok?

Chandler (loopy): Iím fine. The doctor gave me some morphine.

Monica: Weíre becoming regulars at this hospital.

Ross: Howís that?

Monica: First he gets his thing stuck in his zipper, then he breaks his ankle, and now heís separated his shoulder.

Phoebe: Well the important thing is that heís ok.

Monica: Yeah I guess. But if you ever take something from me without asking again, Iíll put you in the hospital Phoebe.

Joey: Cool, a chick fight.

JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe are present)

Joey: Hey, can I ask you something?

Phoebe: Not right now, Iím trying to watch Barney.

Joey: I love you.

Phoebe: ThatĎs nice. I love you too Joey.

Joey: Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?

Phoebe (shutting off the TV): No you havenít.

Joey: Well I think youíre the most beautiful woman in the world.

Phoebe: What did you do?

Joey: I didnít do anything.

Phoebe: Then why are you laying the lovey-dovey crap on so thick?

Joey: Iím just being honest.

Phoebe: Monica and Rachel talked to you didnít they?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Joey?

Joey: Ok, so they did.

Phoebe: You didnít believe them did you?

Joey: Of course I believed them. They said that you get all hurt when I try to pick up beautiful women at Central Perk.

Phoebe: You know I donĎt care about that. I think itís healthy for you to do that. It takes the pressure off me.

Joey: Then why did you tell Rachel and Monica that it bothers you?

Phoebe: íCause it does.

Joey: But you just said that it doesnít!

Phoebe: Ok, ok, ok, it bothers me! Are you happy now?!

Joey: No, Iím not happy now. It bothers me when you donít tell me things. Regardless of how I act sometimes, I do care how you feel!

Phoebe: Well it bothers me when you try to pick up hot girls at Central Perk.

Joey: Well it bothers me when you shave your legs in the kitchen sink!

Phoebe: Oh yeah? You know what else bothers me?

Joey: What?

Phoebe: I hate it when you do that thing with your tongue when youíre below the equator. It feels like a doctor is giving me my gynecology exam!

Joey: You think thatís bad?! It least I have an idea of what to do down there, which is not what I can say about you!

Phoebe: Well if it wasnít so damn small, I wouldnít have that problem!

(period of silence)

Joey: Feel better?

Phoebe: Totally. Wanna go have sex?

Joey: Yeah.

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel is on the couch watching TV. Ross emerges from the bedroom)

Rachel: Hey honey. Come sit with me on the couch.

Ross: Thatís ok. Iím just gonna get a soda and go back to the bedroom.

Rachel: Whatís wrong?

Ross: Whatís wrong? What do you mean whatís wrong? Youíve spent the whole day biting my head off.

Rachel: Have I been that bad?

Ross: Take a look at my ass. I think you had half of it for lunch.

Rachel: Iím sorry honey. My hormones are going crazy. I donít mean to take it out on you. Youíre just the person that I love the most so you get the brunt of my mood swings.

Ross: Well youíre really testing the ďor for worst partĒ of our vows.

Rachel: Iím really sorry Ross. I truly am. You know that I love you.

Ross: Well it wouldnít hurt to say that once in awhile.

Rachel (mad): You donít think that I donít love you?! Iím carrying your stupid child! If I didnít love you, would I be carrying your child?!

Ross (mad): See! Youíre doing it again! I canít win! Iím staying at Monica and Chandlerís for the rest of the month!

Rachel (crying): Donít go. Donít leave me. I canít do this without you.

Ross: Iím sorry Rach. I just donít know what to do when Iím around you lately. I really love the fact that youíre carrying our child. I just canít wait until you have that baby and I get the real Rachel back.

Rachel: Whoís the real Rachel?

Ross: The strong, confident woman who has gone from a spoiled brat to the most caring woman in the world. The woman Iíve always been in love with.

Rachel: I was a spoiled brat?

Ross: When you first came to the city, you were a spoiled brat who lived off of Daddyís credit card. Now youíre an independent woman whoís got a great career and is going to be the best Mommy to our little baby girl.

Rachel (hugging Ross): Thatís the sweetest thing youíve ever said to me! I love you so much!

Ross: If this is how the rest of the month is going to be, weíre in big trouble.

Rachel: Itís gonna be like a roller coaster. Enjoy the ride.

CLOSING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Rachel (mad): Gunther! Gunther! Get over here now!

Gunther: Yes Rachel?

Rachel: I wanted steamed milk! Not this crap! Now go get me some steamed milk!

Gunther: Right away Rachel. Sorry.

Rachel: Donít say youíre sorry! Just get me the steamed milk.

Chandler: Hormones wigging you out Rach?

Rachel: Not really. Iíve just always wanted to be a raving bitch.

Joey: Youíve never been a bitch before Rach?

Rachel: Nah, Iíve always been low key.

Monica: Yeah right, youíve shouldíve seen her in high school.

Rachel: What does that mean?

Monica: Honey, you know that I love you, but you reigned in high school as the biggest bitch in our class.