The One With The Hot Line

Summary: This is a story that takes place after "The One With The Morning
After". Ross and Rachel are broken up, and they have to find their own ways
of dealing with it. The rest of the gang tries to get them back together.
Joey gets hooked on a psychic hot line. Phoebe gets another album made of
Smelly Cat, only this time, with her voice on it.


 Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment
 Joey is sitting in his chair, eating popcorn and watching TV. Phoebe walks in.
 Phoebe: Hey Joey!
 Joey: Hey Pheebs!
 Phoebe: I have had the BEST day!
 Joey: Cool. (turns his attention back to the TV)
 Phoebe: Aren't you gonna ask why?
 Joey: Okay...why?
 Phoebe: Well, I just met this really cute guy, and he works for some record company...first of all, he asked me out, and second of all, they want to do an album of Smelly Cat!!
 Joey: Didn't you already have one?
 Phoebe: That wasn't me singing on it...this one will be me!
 Joey: Cool. (back to the TV. He sees a commercial for a psychic hot line)
 Phoebe: Oh, those things are sooo fake! I'm so much better than them!
 Joey: It's free!
 Phoebe: Oh, please, in the end, you'll end up paying for it.
 Joey: I'm gonna give it a try!
 Phoebe: No! Here, I'll go get my tarot right back! (she leaves)
 Joey: (dials) Hi...
 Lady: Yes...hello. I sense you are...a man.
 Joey: (excited) Yes, how did you know that?!
 Lady: I can tell these things...
 -cut to opening credits-
 Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment
 Rachel is lying on the couch, watching a home movie of her and Ross from when they were going out.
 Ross: (on video) Okay...say hi!
 Rachel: (on video, waves) Hi!
 Ross: (on video) I see you have with you a massive bear...where might you have gotten that from?
 Rachel: (on video, holding a huge stuffed bear, like you might win at a carnival) You know perfectly well where I got this...
 Ross: (on video) For all our viewers who don't know...
 Rachel: (on video) Ugh! Okay, you won it for me!
 Ross: (on video) Yes I did!
 Rachel: (on video) Yeah, after a hundred bucks!!
 Ross: (on video) Hey, I swear that thing was rigged...
 Rachel: (on video, laughs) Come here, thanks...I love you. (they kiss)
 Ross: (on video) I'll always love you, Rach! (they kiss more intensely)
 Chandler's voice: (on video) Hey, come on, we're taping this!!
 Rachel: (starts crying, to herself) Yeah, if only you'd meant that, Ross...(Monica walks in as Rachel cries harder)
 Monica: Rachel...are you okay?
 Rachel: (trying to hide her crying) Yeah, yeah, I'm fine...
 Monica: Why are you watching this? It'll only make it worse.
 Rachel: I don't want to forget about "us", Mon...I miss him so much!
 Monica: Then tell him that!
 Rachel: No. I can't forgive him for what he did to me!
 Monica: Come on, Rachel, he was drunk and upset!
 Rachel: I don't care, he slept with her THREE HOURS after we went on a break!
 Monica: Only cuz he thought you had broken up. He still loves you, can't you see that?
 Rachel: I don't know what you're talking about. We're through. I'm just...still in the process of getting over it, that's all.
 Ross: (walks in) Hey Mon...(notices Rachel) Oh, hi.
 Rachel: I think I'm gonna take a nap. Night, Monica. (goes into her room and closes the door)
 Ross: God, is she avoiding me?!
 Monica: I'd say so.
 Ross: How could I have been so stupid? I mean...I had Rachel...I had my fantasy...then I went and screwed it up.
 Monica: She's still in love with you, you know.
 Ross: No, she's totally over me. She hates me; she'll never forgive me. Our relationship's over, I know...but now I think our friendship might be, too.
 Monica: Do you want it to be?
 Ross: What do you think?! Of course not! I'll always love Rachel...I can't stand the thought of not being with her. I don't know what to do.
 Monica: We'll figure something out, you'll see.
 Scene: Central Perk
 Monica, Joey, Phoebe, and Chandler are there...Monica in the armchair, and Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe on the couch.
 Joey: And she totally knew everything about me! I'm tellin ya, it was so cool!
 Phoebe: I told you, Joey, those things are fake! Now me, on the other hand, I can give you the truth. Here, give me your palm...
 Joey: No way! The Hot line was the best...I'm gonna call them again later and see if I'll make that audition tomorrow...
 Phoebe: Fine, it's your money you're wasting.
 Monica: (after a slight pause) Have you guys seen Ross and Rachel?
 Chandler: He's totally screwed up. All he does is mope around! We volunteered to go to a strip club with him...and he said NO!
 Monica: Maybe because he actually had a SERIOUS relationship...
 Joey: Yeah, whatever. How's Rach doing?
 Phoebe: Oh, terrible!
 Monica: Yeah, yesterday I caught her watching some old videos of her and Ross. She started bawling, then he walked in and she totally blew him off!
 Chandler: They have to get past this, I mean, it's Ross and Rachel. They'll get back together...right?
 Joey: Hey, I'll ask the psychic about it!!
 Phoebe: Yeah, right.
 Monica: I just hope they can at least be friends again, you know? I mean, they can't just lose their friendship over this, can they?
 Phoebe: I'd tell you, but we'll let Joey's little "psychics" give you the info. Guess I'm not needed anymore...
 Rachel: (walks in) Hey guys!
 All: Hi, hey, etc
 Rachel: HE's not here, is he?
 Monica: No. He's got the day with Ben.
 Rachel: Good. I was wondering if you guys wanted to come to Central Park with me, or shopping, or something.
 Phoebe: I'll shop!
 Monica: Yeah, me, too.
 Joey: What about us?
 Chandler: We'll hang out with Ross.
 Rachel: (a little disturbed) Uh...yeah, okay...
 Ross: (walks in with Ben) Hi guys!
 Ben: Rachel!!!
 Rachel: (goes over to him) Hey Benny!!! How's Ben? You're so cute, y' know that?
 Ben: I want down!
 Ross: Okay. (sets him down; Ben runs and clutches Rachel's leg)
 Ben: Up!
 Rachel: Alright...(picks him up; he hugs her)
 *Author's note: I don't think Ben will actually be this advanced, but for the sake of the story, just bear with me, ok?*
 Ben: Daddy, Ice cream?
 Ross: Sure, we can get some ice cream.
 Ben: Rachel come?
 Rachel: (looks uncomfortable) You know what, Ben, I can't have ice cream now...maybe another time, sweetie.
 Ben: Why not?
 Rachel: I...I have to work.
 Ben: No love Benny?
 Rachel: (heart melts) No, no, Ben, of COURSE I love you! How 'bout, me, and a cup of frozen yogurt.
 Ben: Today!
 Rachel: I...
 Ross: (cuts her off) Give the kid a break, Rach...
 Rachel: (looks uncomfortably at Ben, who gives her a hug) Oh, alright.
 Ben: Yay!! (pause) Come on, go!
 Rachel: (laughs) Okay, we'll go.
 Phoebe: But what about shopping?
 Rachel: Sorry...but I made a promise to my little Ben...tomorrow, guys.
 (Rachel leaves, Ben in her arms, and Ross following them)
 Joey: She is SO in love with him.
 Monica: She's going with him and his son for ice cream. Is this a date?
 Chandler: (Sarcastically) If it is, it's with Ben.
 Phoebe: They'll work things out.
 Monica: Oh, definately!
 Scene: Central Park
 Rachel is holding Ben, who is asleep. Ross is beside her. They're walking in silence.
 Ross: Do you want me to take him?
 Rachel: No, I'm okay. (pause) No...I'm not...(gently hands Ben to Ross)
 Ross: Thanks...for coming, ya know...
 Rachel: You're welcome...(there's an electrifying moment, with romantic possiblilities lingering in the air. Rachel looks away) I should get going.
 Ross: Are you sure?
 Rachel: No...yes...yeah, I should really go.
 Ross: Okay...
 Rachel: (kisses Ben's hair) Bye, Benny...goodbye. (she leaves, and Ross watches her go)
 Ross: Progress, my man, progress.
 Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment
 Monica is cooking in the kitchen. Rachel walks in and throws her coat down on the couch.
 Monica: Hey, what was the deal with you blowing us off earlier?
 Rachel: Oh, sorry Mon, I didn't see you. (pause) I don't felt like old times. I couldn't turn Ben down. (pause, smiles fondly) Oh, he was so sweet...he fell asleep in my arms, you know.
 Monica: Ross?
 Rachel: No, Ben! I really do love that kid.
 Monica: You still love him.
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: You're still in love with my brother.
 Rachel: No, I miss him, but I'm not in love with him.
 Monica: Whatever...(pause) well, we're all having dinner here tonight.
 Rachel: "All"?
 Monica: Yes. You, me, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross.
 Rachel: Oh.
 Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment
 Joey: (on the phone) Okay, so they were going out, and now they're broken up, but they obviously still love each other. What's gonna happen?
 Psychic: (voice on the phone) I sense time, good will come of it.
 Joey: What's that supposed to mean?!
 Psychic: It is up to you to find the meaning. Have a nice day!
 Joey: Wait, hey--(sarcastically) Thanks a lot!
 Chandler: What?
 Joey: The psychic hung up on me.
 Chandler: Okay...(pause) Well, ya ready to go?
 Joey: Go where?
 Chandler: We're going to Mon and Rachel's for dinner. It's all a part of "the plan".
 Joey: What plan?
 Chandler: Earth to Joey! Hello...the plan to get Ross and Rachel back together! We're gonna be total jerks about the break her right
into his arms.
 Joey: Is that gonna work?
 Chandler: I hope so.
 Phoebe: (walks in) Hey guys!
 Joey: Hi Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Well, I recorded today!
 Chandler: And it's your voice in it?
 Phoebe: Yep! His friend's the DJ on Z-100, and tomorrow they're gonna play it! I'm so excited!!!
 Joey: That's great!
 Chandler: So, ya ready?
 Phoebe: Yep! I'm gonna "hit on Ross"!
 Joey: Heh? (kinda like Phoebe does in "The One With The Jellyfish" in Montauk)
 Chandler: Phoebe's part in the plan is to hit on Ross.
 Joey: How's that gonna work?
 Phoebe: Well, he's gonna get all mad at me, ya know, cuz he just broke up with Rachel. And hopefully, that'll arouse some feelings, ya know?
 Chandler: Meanwhile, Mon's gonna get all her photo albums out and make a big deal about the pictures of Ross. I am gonna ask about the table, ya know, that they broke last month...
 Joey: (dirty) Ohhhh yeahhhh!!!!
 Chandler: She'll HAVE to explain!
 Joey: How about me? What do I do?
 Chandler: You tell Ross that you wanna ask Rachel out...ask him if he's cool with that.
 Joey: Which he won't be.
 Phoebe: Duh!
 Chandler: Then you say to ask her out...
 Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! He's not gonna go for that!
 Phoebe: Come on, just give it a try!
 Joey: Fine.
 Scene: Ross' apartment.
 Ross is cleaning out his closet. He tosses an old pair of sneakers into a giant trash bag. Then we see him stop as he gingerly fingers one of Rachel's t-shirts.
 Rachel: (from door) So that's where that went...
 Ross: Oh, Rachel...hi. I didn't see you.
 Rachel: I let myself in.
 Ross: That's okay.
 Ross: What do you want? I mean, why are you here?
 Rachel: I wanted to thank you for a great day. And I really feel bad about what's happening between us.
 Ross: What do you mean?
 Rachel: Well, things are so AWKWARD between us, and I've been trying to ignore you.
 Ross: Oh, that.
 Rachel: Yeah. I really want to be friends again, like we used to be.
 Ross: I'd like that, too.
 Rachel: Good. (pause) I'll see you tonight, then?
 Ross: Right. Okay. (pause) See ya tonight.
 Rachel: Okay...bye...
 Ross: (watches her leave, softly) Bye.
 Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment
 Monica is in the kitchen, freaking out. Rachel is sitting on the window seat, looking out the window at the stars.
 Monica: Okay, we've got so much to cook and so little time to cook it in!
 Rachel: Mon, relax, it's just the guys.
 Monica: So? I'm STILL the hostess! (Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe walk in)
 C, J, & P: Hey! Hi!
 Mon & Rach: Hi
 Chandler: I can see Mon's making a big deal of this, as usual...
 Phoebe: Hey! I brought mac and cheese and some tater tots! We could just have that!
 Joey: Yay!!! I love tater tots! And I've ALWAYS loved Mac and CHEESE!!
 *Ring a bell? Hee hee!*
 Monica: Nuh-uh! We're having honeyed chicken, and for Phoebe, stuffed eggplant.
 Joey: But what about tater tots?
 Monica: No! I'm almost done!
 Chandler: McDonald's?
 All (except Mon & Rach): Oh yeah, sure! etc
 Phoebe: Rachel, what do you think?
 Rachel: Huh?
 Chandler: We could just get McDonald's...
 Rachel: I don't care, do whatever you want.
 Monica: What the heck is WRONG with you?! You've barely said a word all afternoon!
 Rachel: I'm fine. Just thinking.
 Joey: Oh, yeah...what's that like?
 Rachel: What?
 Joey: Nothing.
 Ross: (walks in) Hi guys!
 All: (sans Rachel) Hi Ross! etc
 Rachel: Oh, hi.
 Ross: Hi...
 Rachel: I'm gonna go out on the balcony...
 Ross: I'll come with you...
 Rachel: Okay...(they walk together out to the balcony)
 Phoebe: What's going on? Are they doing our job for us?!
 Joey: Huh?
 Monica: Are they getting back together?
 Chandler: I have no clue...
 Scene: balcony
 Rachel: (looking up at the sky) So...
 Ross: So...(they pause and look at one another) Here we are...on the balcony...
 Rachel: Yeah...a lot's happened here, huh?
 Ross: Yeah...remember the cat during the blackout? (flashback to the scene during "The One With The Blackout")
 Ross: There's, um, actually something I've been meaning to tell you...
 Rachel: Ohhhh!
 Ross: Yeah...
 Rachel: Wook at the widdle kitty! Aww!!! (the cat jumps on Ross)
 *Inside apartment*
 Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey: (singing)...Top of the world lookin'...down on creation...(We see Ross running around on the balcony with the cat on him)
 *fade back to balcony*
 Rachel: Yeah, that was...that was different...I remember when I found out you loved, wait that wasn't really you...(fade to flashback from "The One Where Rachel Finds Out")
 Carl: I mean, don't get me wrong...I'm not against environmental issues PER's just that guy!
 Ross: (appears) I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.
 Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here.
 Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me. (she tries, Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her) Can't do it, can you?
 Rachel: So I'm thinking about you. So what?
 Ross: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy anyway?
 Rachel: Well...he happens to be a very nice...guy...
 Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a REAL CAR!
 Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.
 Rachel: Ross, it's too hard.
 Ross: No, no, no...why, because it might get wierd for everyone else? Who cares about them? This is about us. Look, I...I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade.
 Rachel: Ross, you're like my best friend.
 Ross: I know.
 Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you...
 Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up?
 Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up?
 Ross: (pause) No. only has to happen ONCE. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I, the only question is...are you attracted to me?
 Rachel: I don't know...I mean, I've never looked at you that way before.
 Ross: Well, start looking. (they kiss. Ross walks away and then fades out)
 *Fade back to balcony*
 Ross: Guess you were right all along.
 Rachel: Yeah...guess so.
 Ross: Maybe it would have been better if we'd never been together.
 Rachel: No! Don't say that! Ross, I would rather endure all our pain and problems all over again than go through life never having been with you! You were the BEST thing that ever happened to me!
 Ross: Then why can't you give us another chance?
 Rachel: Ross, we've been through this! I still can't forgive you for what you did.
 Ross: Why not?
 Rachel: Because you betrayed hurt me like I never thought anyone could hurt me! And you of all people!
 Ross: Listen, Rachel, if I could take it back, I would! I've made mistakes, but we've worked past them!
 Rachel: Yeah, remember "the list"? (flashback from "The One With The List")
 Rachel's sitting on the couch, eating Mallomars. It's raining outside. Ross climbs up the fire escape and is knocking on the window.
 Ross: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up, please!
 Rachel: (coldly) When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean "please climb up the fire escape".
 Ross: I just wanna read you something. (kinda singing it) It's your pro list!
 Rach: (same tone) Not interested! (She closes the drapes over the window, goes into her bedroom, and closes the door.)
 Ross: (reading the list) Okay, okay, #1: The way you cry at game shows! #2: How much you love your friends! #3: The way you play with your hair when you're nervous! #4: How brave you are for starting your life over! #5: How great you are with Ben! (M, C, J, & P enter, confused) #6: The way you smell!
 Joey: (Opens the drapes) Hey, Ross! What're you doin'?
 Ross: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window?
 Joey: Oh, yeah, I do. (he opens the window, Ross comes in soaked)
 Chandler: What are you doing out there?
 Ross: I am, uh, I am...
 Monica: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate? (Ross runs to Rachel's room, knocking on the door)
 Ross: Rach, come on, open up. Rach, come on, come on, Rach. You got to give me another chance.
 Rachel: (opens door) No.
 Ross: No?
 Rachel: That's what I said.
 Chandler: Look, maybe we should go?
 Rachel: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking.
 Ross: Rach, come on, I know how you must feel...
 Rachel: (near tears) No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you?!
 Ross: No, but, but I wanna be with you in SPITE of all those things.
 Rachel: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you Ross. (the others start leaving, to them) I said don't go!
 Ross: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.
 Rachel: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list. (she closes the door in his face)
 *Fade back to balcony*
 Rachel: Yeah, well...what can I say?
 Ross: Rachel, what we had was amazing! I can't just let it go like this!
 Rachel: Well, I'm sorry, Ross. You should have thought about that before you slept with that, that, Chloe!
 Ross: I was too depressed! Listen, I thought I'd lost you, and that was the worst thing in the world...I didn't know how to handle it!
 Rachel: I'm sorry...I've just got to go inside...(she leaves, he hits his forehead with his palm.)
 Monica: Hey, Rach! Back together yet?
 Rachel: No way! (she sits on the couch, Ross comes back and gets a drink from the fridge. Phoebe walks up to him)
 Phoebe: Hey Ross.
 Ross: Hi.
 Phoebe: Um, I was wondering if maybe, you'd be, ya know, interested in coming over my place after dinner...
 Ross: What?
 Phoebe: Ya know...have...dessert...
 Ross: Phoebe...what?
 Phoebe: Oh, come know what I and me...
 Ross: Are you actually saying these words?!
 Phoebe: Why not? You and Rachel are over!
 Ross: We just broke up Phoebe...I'm having a really hard time dealing with it!
 Phoebe: Fine, then, but don't come crying to me after...(she walks away smiling)
 Ross: Oh my God!
 Chandler: Hey Rachel, I noticed that broken table...what happened to it?
 Rachel: Really, Chandler, I'm not in the mood.
 Joey: Um...Ross, can I talk to you?
 Ross: Yeah, sure...
 Joey: (quietly) Would you be cool with it if I asked Rachel out?
 Ross: WHAT??!! Are you crazy?!
 Joey: What? Why?
 Ross: I still love her! You know that!
 Joey: No, no, I don't...
 Ross: (loudly) Joey, no!  I'll spell it out for you! (loud and slow) I...STILL...LOVE...RACHEL!!! (everyone looks up, Rachel, confused, runs into her room and slams the door) Well, thanks a lot! (goes and knocks on her door) Rach?
 Rachel: Go away!
 Ross: No! Let me in!
 Rachel: No!
 Ross: Fine, I know where the key is, I'll just open it myself! (reaches up)
 Rachel: (opens the door) Fine. (pulls him inside) What the hell was that all about, Ross?!
 Ross: Joey was gonna ask you out.
 Rachel: What?!
 Ross: He just told me out can I let him do that when I feel so strongly about you?! I love you Rachel. I'm not ashamed to say it. I...LOVE...YOU!
 Rachel: Ross, I don't know what to say...
 Ross: "I love you too" would be nice...
 Rachel: I do...I love you...but I CAN'T forgive you.
 Ross: Please, Rach, please!
 Rachel: (sighs) But I can try. We'll start with a clean slate, okay?
 Ross: Yeah, okay...(pause, sticks out his hand) Ross Geller.
 Rachel: Rachel Green.
 Scene: Central Perk.
 Ross and Rachel are flirting from across the room. Joey's on a cell phone.
 Ross: I've gotta go to work. Maybe...someone could come with me...I've got an office...and a desk...
 Rachel: Uh, sure...I'll come...(they kiss in the doorway and leave)
 Phoebe: (turns on the radio) Oh my God! (Smelly Cat Starts playing) It's Smelly Cat! (starts softly singing along)
 Joey: (on phone) NO, I'm telling you, you're wrong! (pause) So, (in a tone only Matt LeBlanc can do) how you doin'?
 Ross and Rachel 4ever!