THE ONE WITH THE RETURN OF HUGSY

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Rachel and Monica are present)

Rachel: Joey, you look like hell. Are you sleeping?

Joey: No, no, I havenít slept for three days. I need Hugsy in order to be able to sleep.

Monica: Why donít you take some Tylenol PM? That stuff will knock you out cold.

Joey: I doubt it. Last night I drank a whole bottle of Nyquil and all that did was get me drunk.

Rachel: Have you heard from the Hugsynapper yet?

Joey: Itís been three days. I should hear something today. I have to hear something, I need to sleep!

Monica: IĎve got some sleeping pills at home if you wanna take them Joe.

Joey: Are they the ones in your bathroom medicine cabinet?

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: Yeah, I took the whole bottle two days ago. Any other ideas?

Rachel: How about sex?

Joey: You wanna have sex with me?

Rachel: No! Have sex with Phoebe or one of your other girlfriends.

Joey: I wanna sleep, not get all riled up.

Rachel: Iím just saying, I get tired after sex. I fall right asleep after I have sex with Ross.

Joey: Well Iíd be sleepy too if I had to have sex with Ross. He has a small penis after all. Thatís gotta be a lot of work to get to the Big O.

Rachel: How do you know about that?

Joey: Yeah, we got stripped searched when we got arrested.

OPENING CREDITS

PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Ross and Phoebe are present)

Ross: Come on Pheebs, weíre gonna be late for the movie.

Phoebe: I canít go.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: I just remembered, I have something I need to take care of.

Ross: I called you five minutes ago and you said you still wanted to go to the movies! Whyíd you make me come over here?

Phoebe: I dunno. Look, Iím sorry. Iíll make it up to you.

Ross: How?

Phoebe: Iíll strip naked and let you rub oil all over me.

Ross: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Sorry about that, thatís what I let Joey do when Iíve disappointed him. I know, Iíll buy you lunch.

Ross: Fine. Iím gonna see if I can find Chandler.

Phoebe: Isnít he at work?

Ross: He called in sick.

Phoebe: Ah yes, the master of the three day work week.

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler is watching cartoons. Ross enters)

Ross: Hey, what ya watching?

Chandler: The Road Runner and Wily E. Coyote marathon.

Ross: You stayed home from work to watch cartoons?

Chandler: No, I stayed home from work to avoid having to work.

Ross: Wanna go to the movies with me?

Chandler: As in a date?

Ross: Ah, no.

Chandler: And here I was hoping Iíd find out what Rachelís always raving about. What are you going to see?

Ross: The Good Girl.

Chandler: The Good Girl? What kinda title is that?

Ross: Yeah, itís Jenniferís new movie. I was talking with her last night and she really wants us to see it. Sheís really proud of it.

Chandler: Is there nudity in it?

Ross: I donít know.

Chandler: You didnít ask?

Ross: Youíre saying I shouldíve asked Jennifer if weíll see her naked in the movie?

Chandler: I see your point.

Ross: Do you wanna go or not?

Chandler: Yeah, Iíll go. Iíve seen all these Road Runner cartoons anyway. Itís always the same, the Road Runner always gets away and Wily E. Coyote always winds up hurting himself.

Ross: Why are you so interested to know if thereís nudity in the movie or not?

Chandler: You donít see Rachel naked for more than three days and then ask me that question.

Ross: Mon still mad that you for losing the $4,000?

Chandler: Sheís locking the bathroom door when sheís showering. What do you think?

JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey is present. The phone rings. Itís Phoebe acting as the kidnapper)

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe: This is your worst nightmare again.

Joey: Courteney?

Phoebe: The kidnappers you idiot!

Joey: When, when do I get Hugsy back?

Phoebe: Do you have the ransom money?

Joey: Yeah, $500.

Phoebe: Thatís not enough.

Joey: Thatís what we agreed upon!

Phoebe: We agreed upon $20,000.

Joey: No, thatís what we started at. I donít have $20,000, I have $500.

Phoebe: Ok, ok. Fine. $500 it is. Thereís one more stipulation.

Joey: What in the hell is a stipulation?

Phoebe: Are you incredibly stupid?

Joey: Actually, yeah. I barely graduated high school.

Phoebe: You must pay the $500. But first you must propose marriage to someone.

Joey: But Iím not dating anyone!

Phoebe: Weíve seen you with a girl. She has blond hair, about 5í7Ē tall. You sleep with her all the time.

Joey: Could you narrow that down a bit more? Youíre describing half of the girls I go out with.

Phoebe: She wears underwear.

Joey: You want me to propose marriage to my friend Phoebe?! Are you insane? SheĎll never agree to it!

Phoebe: Do you want your Penguin back?

Joey: Yes!

Phoebe: Then do as I say. Youíre to propose marriage to this Phoebe and then wait for further instructions. Oh and another thing, she must say yes.

Joey: How do I know that youíll see me proposing to Phoebe?

Phoebe: We have operatives everywhere. How do you think I got your phone number?

Joey: I figured you got it when you broke into my place and stole Hugsy. That not how you got it?

Phoebe: Ah, youíre more clever than what people give you credit for. You have three hours to proposed to this Phoebe. Goodbye.

Joey: Wait!

Phoebe: Now what?

Joey: I donít have a ring.

Phoebe: Well I guess you better think of something. Three hours. No proposal and the Penguin will be de-stuffed.

CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Rachel are present)

Monica: I really hate my job when I have the night shift. I get so bored during the day.

Rachel: I know what you mean, I took the entire week off.

Monica: Why?

Rachel: I dunno. I thought itíd be fun. I was gonna clean the apartment but then I realized I donít know how.

Monica: Whereís Ross?

Rachel: He went to the movies with Phoebe.

Monica: Why didnít you go?

Rachel: Iíd be a distraction.

Monica: Howís that?

Rachel: This baby keeps pressing down on my bladder. I got to pee like every ten minutes.

Monica: I so want to be pregnant. Youíre so lucky.

Rachel: Tell that to my bladder.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey guys. Have either of you seen Phoebe?

Rachel: She went to the movies with Ross.

Joey: Damn it!

Monica: Whatís the matter Joe?

Joey: I canít tell you or theyíll kill Hugsy.

Rachel: I thought Hugsy was a stuffed animal. Isnít he already dead?

Joey: The kidnappers said theyíll de-stuff him!

Monica: What does Phoebe have to do with Hugsy?

Joey: I canít tell you that. I just have to find her. What movie theatre did they go to?

Rachel: Century 14.

Joey: Thanks. Iíll see you guys later.

(Joey leaves)

Rachel: Phoebe is really messing with Joey.

Monica: I wonder what she wants Joey to do next.

Rachel: Wanna go find out?

Monica: Nah, my ass is asleep from sitting here all day. I couldnít stand up if I tried.

Rachel: Me neither. But for a different reason. My underwear is so far up my crack Iíd have to pull it out and thatíd be just a little embarrassing.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey.

Rachel: I thought you were at the movies with Ross?

Phoebe: I couldnít make it. I had some important business to attend to.

Monica: Did this business concern your kidnapping of Hugsy?

Phoebe: Yeah. Have you guys seen Joey?

Rachel: He was just here looking for you. Whatís going on?

Phoebe: Youíll find out soon enough.

Monica: Come on Pheebs, tell us what youíre making him do.

Phoebe: Youíll see soon enough, youíre just gonna have to be patient.

CENTURY 14 THEATRES (Ross and Chandler are watching the movie)

Chandler (whispering to Ross): Whyíd they call this movie The Good Girl. Jenniferís character is anything but good. Sheís cheating on her husband.

Ross: Shut up! Iím trying to watch the movie.

Chandler: Can I ask you one more question?

Ross: What?

Chandler: Do you have five bucks I could borrow?

Ross: Here, now stop bothering me. Youíre worst than a two-year old.

(cut to the concession stand)

Chandler: Yeah, Iíll have a medium popcorn and a medium coke.

Clerk: Thatíll be $9.00.

Chandler: $9? Are you crazy? I only have $5.

Joey: IĎve got the rest.

Chandler: What are you doing here?

Joey: Iím here to get Phoebe. Is she in there with Ross?

Chandler: No, itís just me and Ross. Phoebe couldnĎt come.

Joey: So you and Ross eh? Are you gonna get some?

Chandler: Iíve got a better chance of getting some from Ross than I do at home.

Joey: Monica still mad about the $4,000?

Chandler: Furious is a more appropriate word.

Joey: I gotta go. Iíll see you later.

Chandler: Wait a minute, whatís up?

Joey: Iíve got to find Phoebe.

Chandler: Why?

Joey: I just gotta do something with her. You better get back to your date or heíll get jealous.

Chandler: Good idea. Iíll see you later. (pause) Hey, wait a minute! He is not my date! Weíre just friends!

CENTRAL PERK (A little while later. Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: Joey should be showing up any minute now. Heís only got twenty minutes left or the Penguin gets it.

Rachel: What are you gonna make him do?

Phoebe: Trust me, youíll be shocked.

Monica: Youíre gonna make him run naked through Central Perk?

Phoebe: Even better. Though that wouldíve been a good call too.

 

(Ross and Chandler enter)

Ross: Hey.

Chandler: Hey honey. (goes to kiss Monica who turns her head away) How many times do I have to say Iím sorry?

Monica: Oh I donít know, how about 4,000 times?

Rachel: How was the movie?

Ross: I really liked it. Jennifer was great.

Chandler: It sucked. There was no nudity in it.

Rachel: Well the next time I talk to Jennifer Iíll let her know that you were disappointed that she didnít get naked. And, maybe Iíll mention something to Brad as well.

Chandler: The movie, yeah, the movie was great! One of the best Iíve ever seen. Jennifer was amazing and she even kept her clothes on, which is really rare these days.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Phoebe! Iíve been looking for you everywhere!

Phoebe: Hey honey, whatís cooking?

Ross: Hey Joe, whatís up?

Joey: Not now, someoneís life is at stake!

Ross: Whose?

Joey: Hugsyís!

Phoebe: Well, you found me. What do you need?

Joey: I have to talk to you.

Phoebe: How much do you need now?

Joey: I donít need any money. Look, youíre my friend right?

Phoebe: If I wasnít, sleeping with you was a big mistake.

Joey: You know that I love you right?

Phoebe: Joey, whatís going on?

(Joey gets down on one knee)

Rachel: Oh my God! I canít look!

Joey: Phoebe, will you marry me?

Phoebe: Huh?

Chandler (to Monica): Did he just ask her to marry him?

Monica: Yes, now shut up!

Joey: Will you marry me?

Phoebe: DonĎt you think you shouldíve asked me this when we were dating?

Ross: I can die a peaceful man now, Iíve seen it all.

Joey: Just answer me Phoebe! Will you marry me?

Phoebe: Joey, is this some kind of sick joke? You know I take marriage seriously.

Chandler (to Ross): Yeah, thatís why she married a gay ice dancer.

Joey: Please, please Phoebe, marry me! I love you and want to spend my life with you.

Ross (to Rachel): I think Joe started smoking pot again. Either that or he has a serious head injury.

Phoebe: Ok, Iíll marry you.

Joey: Thank God! I mean, thank you!

Phoebe: By the way, where did you get the ring?

Joey: Itís the one I gave Courteney.

Ross (to Joey): And you say Iím cheap.

Joey: Thanks so much Pheebs. I really owe you one. Ok, Iíve got to get home and wait to hear from the kidÖI mean the people who are supposed to call me.

(Joey leaves. Monica and Rachel start laughing hysterically)

Chandler: What is so funny? I didnít even say anything.

Rachel: I canít believe you Phoebe. You got the most commitment phobic man in the world to propose to you. Whatís even better is that you got him to do it by stealing Hugsy!

Ross: You, you stole Hugsy?

Phoebe: I did.

Chandler: Oh my God, Joey was right!

Monica: Thatís definitely be a first.

Phoebe: Ok, I gotta go make arrangements.

Chandler: Arrangements?

Phoebe: Joeyís gonna give the kidnappers $500.

Ross: You made him propose to you and give you $500? What kind of sick individual are you?

Chandler: We should get to Joeyís Ross.

Phoebe: Ah no you donĎt. Iíve worked too hard on this prank for you losers to blow it for me now.

Chandler: We wonít say anything.

Ross: Yeah, I just wanna see whatís gonna happen next.

Phoebe: No way.

Rachel: How Ďbout if Monica and I go to Joeyís with them? Weíll make sure they donít say anything.

Monica: How are we gonna do that?

Rachel: Ross and Chandler, does the threat of no sex mean anything to you?

Ross: I definitely wonít say anything now.

Chandler: I might, Iím not getting any right now anyway.

Monica: Let me put it this way Chandler. If you say anything, anything at all, youíll never ever see me naked again.

Chandler: That ought to do it.

JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey is pacing around his apartment as Chandler, Monica, Ross and Rachel enter)

Joey: What are you guys doing here? Youíre gonna get Hugsy de-stuffed.

Chandler: Relax Joe, the kidnappers donít know that weíre here.

Joey: They do. They have operatives everywhere!

Ross: Dude, chill out. Youíre just being paranoid.

Joey: Maybe, but this is serious.

Rachel: Ah Joe, why did you propose to Phoebe?

Joey: I canít tell you.

Monica: You proposing to Phoebe doesnít have anything to do with the kidnapping of Hugsy?

Joey: I canít answer that.

Ross: I guess it does.

Joey: It does not! Look, you guys have to go. Youíre gonna get Hugsy de-stuffed if you learn any more.

Chandler: We havenít learned anything Joey. Youíve denied everything.

Joey: Oh. Right. Now please, leave and let me deal with the kidnappers.

Ross: By the way, has anyone seen Phoebe?

Chandler: No, not since Joey proposed to her.

Rachel: She must have gone home to recover from the shock.

(the phone rings)

Joey: Ok, thatís the kidnappers. You all gotta go.

Monica: We wonít make a sound Joe. Now answer the phone.

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe (disguised voice): Itís your worst nightmare.

Joey: Courteney this is really getting old.

Phoebe: Itís the kidnappers! Whatís the matter with you?!

Joey: I did it. I proposed to me friend Phoebe and she said yes. Now give me back Hugsy.

Phoebe: Not so fast. You havenít paid the ransom yet.

Joey: Fine. Where do I bring the money?

Phoebe: Drop it off at Central Perk. Do you know where that is?

Joey: Yeah, itís right downstairs from my apartment building.

Phoebe: Youíre to give the money to a man name Gunther. As soon as the drop has been made, weíll call on your cell and tell you where Hugsy is.

Joey: How do you know Gunther?

Phoebe: Heís one of our operatives. You have ten minutes to make the drop or the Penguin gets it.

Joey: How do I know that you wonít double-cross me?

Phoebe: Weíre honest kidnappers. You have to trust us.

Joey: Sounds good.

Phoebe: Ten minutes. Oh, and say hi to your friends for me.

(Joey hangs up)

Rachel: Well?

Joey: Iíve got to give the money to Gunther and then theyíll let me know where Hugsy is.

Ross: Figures Gunther would be involved in this sick plot.

Monica: How do you know that the kidnappers wonít double-cross you?

Joey: They said that theyíre honest kidnappers and that I have to trust them.

Chandler: Honest kidnappers, thatís an oxymoron.

Joey: I gotta get to Central Perk.

Ross: Weíll come with you.

Joey: No, I must go alone. Oh, and the kidnappers said to say hi to my friends. They mustíve been watching you guys too.

(Joey leaves)

Ross: Joey has to be the stupidest person I know. What kidnapper would say say hi to your friends?

Chandler: Phoebe?

Monica: Only Phoebe.

CENTRAL PERK (Joey enters and goes to see Gunther)

Gunther: Hey Joey, whatís up?

Joey: Cut the crap Gunther. I know youíre involved in the kidnapping of Hugsy.

Gunther: Huh?

Joey: Iím supposed to give you $500.

Gunther: Youíre paying your tab?

Joey: No! Iím paying you to get Hugsy freed.

Gunther: Whoís Hugsy?

Joey: My bedtime sleeping pal.

Gunther: How old are you?

Joey: Iím 32.

Gunther: Just checking.

Joey: Hereís the money.

Gunther: What am I supposed to do with this? (the phone rings) Hold on a minute. (Gunther answers the phone) Hello? (long pause) Ok, Iíll tell him. (Gunther hangs up) Joey, that was the people who took Hugsy. They said to take the money and hold it for them. Theyíll be calling you on your cell in a minute.

Joey: So you really werenít involved in the kidnapping?

Gunther: No. Iím just a middle man.

(Joeyís cell phone rings)

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe (disguised voice): Itís your worst nightmare again.

Joey: The kidnappers?

Phoebe: Good boy, youíre learning. Alright, if you go outside and look up, youíll notice a stuffed Penguin hanging from the flag pole. Heís alive and doing well. It was nice doing business with you. Goodbye.

Joey: Thanks for giving him back.

Phoebe: No problem.

(Joey goes outside and sees Hugsy at the top of the flag pole. He takes him down and gives him a big hug.)

Joey: Itís ok Hugsy. Iím here now. Your ordeal is over.

Little Boy (walking by): Mom, why is that grown man hugging a stuffed animal and talking to it?

Mom: This is New York City honey, there are crazy people on every corner.

CLOSING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)

Monica: Whereís Joey?

Chandler: Heís upstairs sleeping.

Rachel: Poor guy, he didnít sleep for three days.

Ross: Pheebs, how are you gonna insure that Joey doesnít find out that you were the one who stole Hugsy?

Phoebe: Huh. I havenít gotten that far.

Chandler: I wouldnít worry about it. Joey wonít be able to figure it out. It doesnít involve sex or lesbians. Youíre pretty much in the clear Pheebs.

Monica: What was the $500 for?

Phoebe: He paid his tab here.

Chandler: Damn, I shouldíve gone in with you on this, Joey owes me so much money I lost count.

Monica: About $4,000?

Chandler: Face it Mon, I lost the money. Iím sorry.

Ross: What are you gonna do if he does figure it out Pheebs?

Phoebe: Move to Florida and room with Courteney again.

Rachel: I seriously doubt Joey will figure it out.

JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey is asleep and awakens suddenly)

Joey: Oh my God! Phoebe!