THE ONE WITH THE RETURN OF HUGSY

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Rachel and Monica are present)

Rachel: Joey, you look like hell. Are you sleeping?

Joey: No, no, I haven’t slept for three days. I need Hugsy in order to be able to sleep.

Monica: Why don’t you take some Tylenol PM? That stuff will knock you out cold.

Joey: I doubt it. Last night I drank a whole bottle of Nyquil and all that did was get me drunk.

Rachel: Have you heard from the Hugsynapper yet?

Joey: It’s been three days. I should hear something today. I have to hear something, I need to sleep!

Monica: I‘ve got some sleeping pills at home if you wanna take them Joe.

Joey: Are they the ones in your bathroom medicine cabinet?

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: Yeah, I took the whole bottle two days ago. Any other ideas?

Rachel: How about sex?

Joey: You wanna have sex with me?

Rachel: No! Have sex with Phoebe or one of your other girlfriends.

Joey: I wanna sleep, not get all riled up.

Rachel: I’m just saying, I get tired after sex. I fall right asleep after I have sex with Ross.

Joey: Well I’d be sleepy too if I had to have sex with Ross. He has a small penis after all. That’s gotta be a lot of work to get to the Big O.

Rachel: How do you know about that?

Joey: Yeah, we got stripped searched when we got arrested.

OPENING CREDITS

PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Ross and Phoebe are present)

Ross: Come on Pheebs, we’re gonna be late for the movie.

Phoebe: I can’t go.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: I just remembered, I have something I need to take care of.

Ross: I called you five minutes ago and you said you still wanted to go to the movies! Why’d you make me come over here?

Phoebe: I dunno. Look, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you.

Ross: How?

Phoebe: I’ll strip naked and let you rub oil all over me.

Ross: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Sorry about that, that’s what I let Joey do when I’ve disappointed him. I know, I’ll buy you lunch.

Ross: Fine. I’m gonna see if I can find Chandler.

Phoebe: Isn’t he at work?

Ross: He called in sick.

Phoebe: Ah yes, the master of the three day work week.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler is watching cartoons. Ross enters)

Ross: Hey, what ya watching?

Chandler: The Road Runner and Wily E. Coyote marathon.

Ross: You stayed home from work to watch cartoons?

Chandler: No, I stayed home from work to avoid having to work.

Ross: Wanna go to the movies with me?

Chandler: As in a date?

Ross: Ah, no.

Chandler: And here I was hoping I’d find out what Rachel’s always raving about. What are you going to see?

Ross: The Good Girl.

Chandler: The Good Girl? What kinda title is that?

Ross: Yeah, it’s Jennifer’s new movie. I was talking with her last night and she really wants us to see it. She’s really proud of it.

Chandler: Is there nudity in it?

Ross: I don’t know.

Chandler: You didn’t ask?

Ross: You’re saying I should’ve asked Jennifer if we’ll see her naked in the movie?

Chandler: I see your point.

Ross: Do you wanna go or not?

Chandler: Yeah, I’ll go. I’ve seen all these Road Runner cartoons anyway. It’s always the same, the Road Runner always gets away and Wily E. Coyote always winds up hurting himself.

Ross: Why are you so interested to know if there’s nudity in the movie or not?

Chandler: You don’t see Rachel naked for more than three days and then ask me that question.

Ross: Mon still mad that you for losing the $4,000?

Chandler: She’s locking the bathroom door when she’s showering. What do you think?

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey is present. The phone rings. It’s Phoebe acting as the kidnapper)

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe: This is your worst nightmare again.

Joey: Courteney?

Phoebe: The kidnappers you idiot!

Joey: When, when do I get Hugsy back?

Phoebe: Do you have the ransom money?

Joey: Yeah, $500.

Phoebe: That’s not enough.

Joey: That’s what we agreed upon!

Phoebe: We agreed upon $20,000.

Joey: No, that’s what we started at. I don’t have $20,000, I have $500.

Phoebe: Ok, ok. Fine. $500 it is. There’s one more stipulation.

Joey: What in the hell is a stipulation?

Phoebe: Are you incredibly stupid?

Joey: Actually, yeah. I barely graduated high school.

Phoebe: You must pay the $500. But first you must propose marriage to someone.

Joey: But I’m not dating anyone!

Phoebe: We’ve seen you with a girl. She has blond hair, about 5’7” tall. You sleep with her all the time.

Joey: Could you narrow that down a bit more? You’re describing half of the girls I go out with.

Phoebe: She wears underwear.

Joey: You want me to propose marriage to my friend Phoebe?! Are you insane? She‘ll never agree to it!

Phoebe: Do you want your Penguin back?

Joey: Yes!

Phoebe: Then do as I say. You’re to propose marriage to this Phoebe and then wait for further instructions. Oh and another thing, she must say yes.

Joey: How do I know that you’ll see me proposing to Phoebe?

Phoebe: We have operatives everywhere. How do you think I got your phone number?

Joey: I figured you got it when you broke into my place and stole Hugsy. That not how you got it?

Phoebe: Ah, you’re more clever than what people give you credit for. You have three hours to proposed to this Phoebe. Goodbye.

Joey: Wait!

Phoebe: Now what?

Joey: I don’t have a ring.

Phoebe: Well I guess you better think of something. Three hours. No proposal and the Penguin will be de-stuffed.

CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Rachel are present)

Monica: I really hate my job when I have the night shift. I get so bored during the day.

Rachel: I know what you mean, I took the entire week off.

Monica: Why?

Rachel: I dunno. I thought it’d be fun. I was gonna clean the apartment but then I realized I don’t know how.

Monica: Where’s Ross?

Rachel: He went to the movies with Phoebe.

Monica: Why didn’t you go?

Rachel: I’d be a distraction.

Monica: How’s that?

Rachel: This baby keeps pressing down on my bladder. I got to pee like every ten minutes.

Monica: I so want to be pregnant. You’re so lucky.

Rachel: Tell that to my bladder.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey guys. Have either of you seen Phoebe?

Rachel: She went to the movies with Ross.

Joey: Damn it!

Monica: What’s the matter Joe?

Joey: I can’t tell you or they’ll kill Hugsy.

Rachel: I thought Hugsy was a stuffed animal. Isn’t he already dead?

Joey: The kidnappers said they’ll de-stuff him!

Monica: What does Phoebe have to do with Hugsy?

Joey: I can’t tell you that. I just have to find her. What movie theatre did they go to?

Rachel: Century 14.

Joey: Thanks. I’ll see you guys later.

(Joey leaves)

Rachel: Phoebe is really messing with Joey.

Monica: I wonder what she wants Joey to do next.

Rachel: Wanna go find out?

Monica: Nah, my ass is asleep from sitting here all day. I couldn’t stand up if I tried.

Rachel: Me neither. But for a different reason. My underwear is so far up my crack I’d have to pull it out and that’d be just a little embarrassing.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey.

Rachel: I thought you were at the movies with Ross?

Phoebe: I couldn’t make it. I had some important business to attend to.

Monica: Did this business concern your kidnapping of Hugsy?

Phoebe: Yeah. Have you guys seen Joey?

Rachel: He was just here looking for you. What’s going on?

Phoebe: You’ll find out soon enough.

Monica: Come on Pheebs, tell us what you’re making him do.

Phoebe: You’ll see soon enough, you’re just gonna have to be patient.

CENTURY 14 THEATRES (Ross and Chandler are watching the movie)

Chandler (whispering to Ross): Why’d they call this movie The Good Girl. Jennifer’s character is anything but good. She’s cheating on her husband.

Ross: Shut up! I’m trying to watch the movie.

Chandler: Can I ask you one more question?

Ross: What?

Chandler: Do you have five bucks I could borrow?

Ross: Here, now stop bothering me. You’re worst than a two-year old.

(cut to the concession stand)

Chandler: Yeah, I’ll have a medium popcorn and a medium coke.

Clerk: That’ll be $9.00.

Chandler: $9? Are you crazy? I only have $5.

Joey: I‘ve got the rest.

Chandler: What are you doing here?

Joey: I’m here to get Phoebe. Is she in there with Ross?

Chandler: No, it’s just me and Ross. Phoebe couldn‘t come.

Joey: So you and Ross eh? Are you gonna get some?

Chandler: I’ve got a better chance of getting some from Ross than I do at home.

Joey: Monica still mad about the $4,000?

Chandler: Furious is a more appropriate word.

Joey: I gotta go. I’ll see you later.

Chandler: Wait a minute, what’s up?

Joey: I’ve got to find Phoebe.

Chandler: Why?

Joey: I just gotta do something with her. You better get back to your date or he’ll get jealous.

Chandler: Good idea. I’ll see you later. (pause) Hey, wait a minute! He is not my date! We’re just friends!

CENTRAL PERK (A little while later. Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: Joey should be showing up any minute now. He’s only got twenty minutes left or the Penguin gets it.

Rachel: What are you gonna make him do?

Phoebe: Trust me, you’ll be shocked.

Monica: You’re gonna make him run naked through Central Perk?

Phoebe: Even better. Though that would’ve been a good call too.

 

(Ross and Chandler enter)

Ross: Hey.

Chandler: Hey honey. (goes to kiss Monica who turns her head away) How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?

Monica: Oh I don’t know, how about 4,000 times?

Rachel: How was the movie?

Ross: I really liked it. Jennifer was great.

Chandler: It sucked. There was no nudity in it.

Rachel: Well the next time I talk to Jennifer I’ll let her know that you were disappointed that she didn’t get naked. And, maybe I’ll mention something to Brad as well.

Chandler: The movie, yeah, the movie was great! One of the best I’ve ever seen. Jennifer was amazing and she even kept her clothes on, which is really rare these days.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Phoebe! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!

Phoebe: Hey honey, what’s cooking?

Ross: Hey Joe, what’s up?

Joey: Not now, someone’s life is at stake!

Ross: Whose?

Joey: Hugsy’s!

Phoebe: Well, you found me. What do you need?

Joey: I have to talk to you.

Phoebe: How much do you need now?

Joey: I don’t need any money. Look, you’re my friend right?

Phoebe: If I wasn’t, sleeping with you was a big mistake.

Joey: You know that I love you right?

Phoebe: Joey, what’s going on?

(Joey gets down on one knee)

Rachel: Oh my God! I can’t look!

Joey: Phoebe, will you marry me?

Phoebe: Huh?

Chandler (to Monica): Did he just ask her to marry him?

Monica: Yes, now shut up!

Joey: Will you marry me?

Phoebe: Don‘t you think you should’ve asked me this when we were dating?

Ross: I can die a peaceful man now, I’ve seen it all.

Joey: Just answer me Phoebe! Will you marry me?

Phoebe: Joey, is this some kind of sick joke? You know I take marriage seriously.

Chandler (to Ross): Yeah, that’s why she married a gay ice dancer.

Joey: Please, please Phoebe, marry me! I love you and want to spend my life with you.

Ross (to Rachel): I think Joe started smoking pot again. Either that or he has a serious head injury.

Phoebe: Ok, I’ll marry you.

Joey: Thank God! I mean, thank you!

Phoebe: By the way, where did you get the ring?

Joey: It’s the one I gave Courteney.

Ross (to Joey): And you say I’m cheap.

Joey: Thanks so much Pheebs. I really owe you one. Ok, I’ve got to get home and wait to hear from the kid…I mean the people who are supposed to call me.

(Joey leaves. Monica and Rachel start laughing hysterically)

Chandler: What is so funny? I didn’t even say anything.

Rachel: I can’t believe you Phoebe. You got the most commitment phobic man in the world to propose to you. What’s even better is that you got him to do it by stealing Hugsy!

Ross: You, you stole Hugsy?

Phoebe: I did.

Chandler: Oh my God, Joey was right!

Monica: That’s definitely be a first.

Phoebe: Ok, I gotta go make arrangements.

Chandler: Arrangements?

Phoebe: Joey’s gonna give the kidnappers $500.

Ross: You made him propose to you and give you $500? What kind of sick individual are you?

Chandler: We should get to Joey’s Ross.

Phoebe: Ah no you don‘t. I’ve worked too hard on this prank for you losers to blow it for me now.

Chandler: We won’t say anything.

Ross: Yeah, I just wanna see what’s gonna happen next.

Phoebe: No way.

Rachel: How ‘bout if Monica and I go to Joey’s with them? We’ll make sure they don’t say anything.

Monica: How are we gonna do that?

Rachel: Ross and Chandler, does the threat of no sex mean anything to you?

Ross: I definitely won’t say anything now.

Chandler: I might, I’m not getting any right now anyway.

Monica: Let me put it this way Chandler. If you say anything, anything at all, you’ll never ever see me naked again.

Chandler: That ought to do it.

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey is pacing around his apartment as Chandler, Monica, Ross and Rachel enter)

Joey: What are you guys doing here? You’re gonna get Hugsy de-stuffed.

Chandler: Relax Joe, the kidnappers don’t know that we’re here.

Joey: They do. They have operatives everywhere!

Ross: Dude, chill out. You’re just being paranoid.

Joey: Maybe, but this is serious.

Rachel: Ah Joe, why did you propose to Phoebe?

Joey: I can’t tell you.

Monica: You proposing to Phoebe doesn’t have anything to do with the kidnapping of Hugsy?

Joey: I can’t answer that.

Ross: I guess it does.

Joey: It does not! Look, you guys have to go. You’re gonna get Hugsy de-stuffed if you learn any more.

Chandler: We haven’t learned anything Joey. You’ve denied everything.

Joey: Oh. Right. Now please, leave and let me deal with the kidnappers.

Ross: By the way, has anyone seen Phoebe?

Chandler: No, not since Joey proposed to her.

Rachel: She must have gone home to recover from the shock.

(the phone rings)

Joey: Ok, that’s the kidnappers. You all gotta go.

Monica: We won’t make a sound Joe. Now answer the phone.

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe (disguised voice): It’s your worst nightmare.

Joey: Courteney this is really getting old.

Phoebe: It’s the kidnappers! What’s the matter with you?!

Joey: I did it. I proposed to me friend Phoebe and she said yes. Now give me back Hugsy.

Phoebe: Not so fast. You haven’t paid the ransom yet.

Joey: Fine. Where do I bring the money?

Phoebe: Drop it off at Central Perk. Do you know where that is?

Joey: Yeah, it’s right downstairs from my apartment building.

Phoebe: You’re to give the money to a man name Gunther. As soon as the drop has been made, we’ll call on your cell and tell you where Hugsy is.

Joey: How do you know Gunther?

Phoebe: He’s one of our operatives. You have ten minutes to make the drop or the Penguin gets it.

Joey: How do I know that you won’t double-cross me?

Phoebe: We’re honest kidnappers. You have to trust us.

Joey: Sounds good.

Phoebe: Ten minutes. Oh, and say hi to your friends for me.

(Joey hangs up)

Rachel: Well?

Joey: I’ve got to give the money to Gunther and then they’ll let me know where Hugsy is.

Ross: Figures Gunther would be involved in this sick plot.

Monica: How do you know that the kidnappers won’t double-cross you?

Joey: They said that they’re honest kidnappers and that I have to trust them.

Chandler: Honest kidnappers, that’s an oxymoron.

Joey: I gotta get to Central Perk.

Ross: We’ll come with you.

Joey: No, I must go alone. Oh, and the kidnappers said to say hi to my friends. They must’ve been watching you guys too.

(Joey leaves)

Ross: Joey has to be the stupidest person I know. What kidnapper would say say hi to your friends?

Chandler: Phoebe?

Monica: Only Phoebe.

CENTRAL PERK (Joey enters and goes to see Gunther)

Gunther: Hey Joey, what’s up?

Joey: Cut the crap Gunther. I know you’re involved in the kidnapping of Hugsy.

Gunther: Huh?

Joey: I’m supposed to give you $500.

Gunther: You’re paying your tab?

Joey: No! I’m paying you to get Hugsy freed.

Gunther: Who’s Hugsy?

Joey: My bedtime sleeping pal.

Gunther: How old are you?

Joey: I’m 32.

Gunther: Just checking.

Joey: Here’s the money.

Gunther: What am I supposed to do with this? (the phone rings) Hold on a minute. (Gunther answers the phone) Hello? (long pause) Ok, I’ll tell him. (Gunther hangs up) Joey, that was the people who took Hugsy. They said to take the money and hold it for them. They’ll be calling you on your cell in a minute.

Joey: So you really weren’t involved in the kidnapping?

Gunther: No. I’m just a middle man.

(Joey’s cell phone rings)

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe (disguised voice): It’s your worst nightmare again.

Joey: The kidnappers?

Phoebe: Good boy, you’re learning. Alright, if you go outside and look up, you’ll notice a stuffed Penguin hanging from the flag pole. He’s alive and doing well. It was nice doing business with you. Goodbye.

Joey: Thanks for giving him back.

Phoebe: No problem.

(Joey goes outside and sees Hugsy at the top of the flag pole. He takes him down and gives him a big hug.)

Joey: It’s ok Hugsy. I’m here now. Your ordeal is over.

Little Boy (walking by): Mom, why is that grown man hugging a stuffed animal and talking to it?

Mom: This is New York City honey, there are crazy people on every corner.

CLOSING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)

Monica: Where’s Joey?

Chandler: He’s upstairs sleeping.

Rachel: Poor guy, he didn’t sleep for three days.

Ross: Pheebs, how are you gonna insure that Joey doesn’t find out that you were the one who stole Hugsy?

Phoebe: Huh. I haven’t gotten that far.

Chandler: I wouldn’t worry about it. Joey won’t be able to figure it out. It doesn’t involve sex or lesbians. You’re pretty much in the clear Pheebs.

Monica: What was the $500 for?

Phoebe: He paid his tab here.

Chandler: Damn, I should’ve gone in with you on this, Joey owes me so much money I lost count.

Monica: About $4,000?

Chandler: Face it Mon, I lost the money. I’m sorry.

Ross: What are you gonna do if he does figure it out Pheebs?

Phoebe: Move to Florida and room with Courteney again.

Rachel: I seriously doubt Joey will figure it out.

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey is asleep and awakens suddenly)

Joey: Oh my God! Phoebe!