THE ONE WITH THE INSULTS

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)

Monica: Pheebs, do you wanna work a shift tonight?

Phoebe: Yeah! Thatíll be so much fun! I promise Iíll do it right this time.

Rachel: What did you do wrong last time?

Monica: Pretty much everything.

Ross: Whereís Joey?

(Joey enters with a beautiful brunette)

Ross: Never mind. Wow! Sheís hot.

Rachel: What?

Ross: I said itís hot in here.

Rachel: I thought so.

Joey: Hey guys, this is Candace. Candace, this is Chandler.

Chandler: Hi.

Joey: Thatís Ross over there, and thatís his wife Rachel on his lap.

Ross/Rachel: Hey.

Joey: Thatís Monica, Chandlerís anal retentive wife.

Monica: Thanks Joey. Hi, nice to meet you.

Joey: And thatís my wife Phoebe.

Phoebe: Hi.

Candace: Youíre married?

Joey: Yeah, but only for a year. Is that a problem?

Candace: Youíre vile disgusting pig. I, I canĎt believe youíre married! Goodbye!

Joey: Wow, I really didnít see that one coming. Itís a good thing we had sex first.

OPENING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast)

Phoebe: I totally cleaned up last night.

Monica: How much did you make?

Phoebe: $500.

Monica: Did you steal money again?

Phoebe: No! I had this table of Japanese businessmen and they absolutely loved me.

Chandler: Did you show them your pierced nipples?

Phoebe: Not exactly.

Monica: Not exactly? What the hell did you do?

Phoebe: I let them feel my nipples through my shirt. Iím going out with one the guys tonight. His name is Taka.

Chandler: Is he related to Chaka?

Monica: Whoís Chaka?

Chandler: You know, Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan the singer. You guys have no idea do you?

Monica: AnywayÖÖdo you wanna work tonight?

Phoebe: I canít, Iím going to Japan with Taka.

Monica: Youíre going to Japan?!

Phoebe: Little Japan town here in the City. Iím a sensible woman, like Iíd run off to Japan with some random guy.

Chandler: Does Joey know?

Phoebe: Who cares? Itís not like weíre married.

Chandler: But you are married Pheebs.

Phoebe: Damn, I guess Iíd better tell him.

Monica: Did you tell Taka that youíre married?

Phoebe: Of course I did. (Monica and Chandler just look at Phoebe) Ok, so I didnít. But he doesnít speak English anyway.

Chandler: Does he have a translator?

Phoebe: No. So itís kinda hard to talk to him. We just nod at each other.

Monica: Sounds like a great guy Phoebe.

Phoebe: Thanks Mon.

Monica: I was being sarcastic.

Phoebe: I know that too.

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are present)

Ross: I still donít think that it was a good idea that we let Ben go spend time with Carol and Ryan.

Rachel: Why not? Carolís one of his mothers. Sheís entitled to spend time with her son. Wait a minute, youíre jealous of Ryan arenít you?

Ross: Iím not jealous of Ryan. I donít even know Ryan.

Rachel: Well look at it this way, you get to spend more time with me.

Ross: Thatís a pretty crappy consolation prize.

Rachel: You know you love me.

Ross: Only because I have to honey. Only because I have to.

Rachel: Well since we have the weekend to ourselves, I figured weíd spend some quality time together.

Ross: What did I do now?

Rachel: You didnít do anything. Why are you so freaked out?

Ross: You usually say we have to spend quality time if Iíve done something to hurt your feelings.

Rachel: Well you didnít hurt my feelings. I just thought itíd be fun to spend the weekend together.

Ross: Oh. (knock on the door) Iíll get it. So what do you want to do?

Rachel: We could shopping for baby clothes.

Ross: Like I said, what do you want to do? (Ross opens the door. Itís Brad)

Brad: Hey!

Ross: Brad! What are you doing here?!

Rachel: Donít be an idiot Ross. Let him in.

Ross: Right. Come on in. Why are you here?

Brad: Do you remember how I decked that guy in the restaurant a couple of months ago?

Rachel: Yeah, the guy wanted Jennifer to sign her name on his hairy ass.

Brad: Right. Well my court date is on Monday so I figured Iíd stop by and see you guys. I hope you donít mind.

Ross: Not at all. Youíre saving me from a day of shopping. Wanna beer or something?

Rachel: Ok, now youíve hurt my feelings.

JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)

Joey: You know, this marriage thing really sucks. Itís cramping my sex life. They find out youíre married and they run the other way.

Phoebe: Are you sure itís the marriage thing?

Joey: What else would it be?

Phoebe: How about that cologne youíre wearing? You smell like a duck.

Joey: Damn it! I put the duckís medicine on me again.

Phoebe: Oh, IĎve got a date tonight. I hope thatís ok.

Joey: Why would I care?

Phoebe: Because youíre my husband.

Joey: Oh. Then you canít go.

Phoebe: Why not?

 

Joey: Well someone has to make my dinner.

Phoebe: Thatís what Monica is for.

Joey: Sheís working tonight.

Phoebe: Then Iíll order the Joey special.

Joey: Ok, you can go. Actually thatís great. Sasha is coming over. Weíll have the place to ourselves.

Phoebe: Whereíd you meet Sasha?

Joey: At the Laundromat.

Phoebe: What were you doing at the Laundromat? I do your laundry.

Joey: For which Iím eternally grateful.

Phoebe: Well what were you doing there?

Joey: Checking out the latest designs in female undergarments.

Phoebe: You know you canít be here when I bring Taka home right?

Joey: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: Itís my turn to bring home a date.

Joey: Damn, thatís right. Well Iíll just make sure we go to Sashaís place.

Phoebe: How are you gonna do that?

Joey: Iím a klutz, especially around red wine.

Phoebe: You really are a pig arenít you?

Joey: Pretty much. Have fun. (Joey leaves)

CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Chandler are present)

Monica: You know honey, you should really start working out again.

Chandler: Why?

Monica: Youíre getting fat.

Chandler: Ok, no more of this total honesty crap. I am not getting fat.

Monica: Stand up, I bet you canít even see your shoes.

Chandler: I am not standing up. I canít stand up because of this stupid cast. Oh and love me for who I am.

Monica: I do love you for who you are fat man.

Chandler: Iím surprised Iím fat since your cooking sucks.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Donít dish it out if you canít take it.

Monica: Whatever mister come in ten seconds.

Chandler: At least I donít have fake boobs silicone woman.

Monica: Gay boy.

Chandler: Closet lesbian.

Monica: How?

Chandler: The Rachel incident.

Monica: Oh.

(Ross, Rachel and Brad enter)

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: What are you guys doing?

Monica: Insulting each other.

Brad: Having another marriage moment?

Monica: Oh hey Brad, I didnít see you there. Wheníd you get into town?

Chandler: You didnít see him because of your fake boobs dear.

Monica: Whatever dick do.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Your stomach hangs down further than your dick do.

Rachel: Ross, Brad, why donít we leave these children alone and go get something to eat.

Ross: Good idea.

Brad: Dick do huh. Iíve gotta remember that one.

THAI VILLAGE RESTAURANT (Ross, Rachel and Brad are eating)

Rachel: How come Jennifer didnít come?

Brad: She wanted some time alone. Sheís flying in Sunday for my court appearance on Monday.

Ross: What does that mean? Is everything ok between you two?

Brad: Everythingís gonna be fine. We just needed a little space. Weíve been trying to get pregnant and nothingís worked and sheís really frustrated.

Rachel: Are you sure youíre doing it right?

Ross: Honey, I donít think this is something to joke about.

Brad: Weíve done everything. She just canít seem to get pregnant.

Rachel: How long have you been trying?

Brad: Since you guys came for your visit.

Rachel: Wow, it has been a while.

Brad: Anyway, sheíll be here Sunday night. She said she wanted to see you guys if possible.

Rachel: Sure, we could do dinner or something.

Brad: Oh and Ross, she wanted to know if she could sleep with you. She figures youíve got potent sperm since you got Rachel pregnant and all.

Ross: I could do that.

Rachel: Excuse me?

Ross: Iím just trying to help out our friends honey.

(a moment of silence)

Brad: Like Iíd let Ross sleep with Jennifer. Come on Rachel, get a clue.

JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Joey is watching TV as Phoebe and Taka come in)

Phoebe (surprised): Joey! What are you doing here?

Joey: I live here.

Phoebe: Taka, go over there for a minute. (motioning to her bedroom) I have to talk to my roommate. (Taka leaves for the bedroom) What are you doing here? Youíre supposed to be at Sashaís.

Joey: She found out I was married.

Phoebe: You didnít tell her did you?

Joey: Not exactly.

Phoebe: What happened then?

Joey: She asked about the ring?

Phoebe: What did you say?

Joey: I said I was in the Lord of The Rings but she didnít believe me.

Phoebe: Since when did you start going out with women who were actually smart?

Joey: Since I married you.

Phoebe: Thatís so sweet.

(Joey and Phoebe start kissing as Taka emerges from the bedroom in only his underwear)

Joey: Your dude there is standing in his underwear.

Phoebe: Iíd tell him to leave but he doesnít understand English.

Joey: What are we gonna do?

Phoebe: HeĎll figure it out. Letís go to bed.

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch staring at one another)

Monica: My cooking doesnít suck.

Chandler: Thatís not what the Daily News wrote.

Monica: Youíre father called, he wants his red dress back.

Chandler: Your mother called and it turns out you were adopted.

Monica: Your mother called to remind you that you have a penis and to start acting like man.

Chandler: Well if you werenít so infertile youíd be pregnant by now.

Monica (bursting into tears and running into the bedroom): Youíre a f$cking butthead!!!

Chandler: Oh crap! Honey, I am so sorry. Please open the door.

Monica: Go f*ck yourself.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel and Brad are present)

Brad: So how far along are you?

Rachel: Six months.

Ross: The longest six months of my life.

Rachel: You know youíve enjoyed every minute of it.

Ross: Yeah I like the part of having sex with myself the most.

Rachel: What? Itís just like your sex life when you werenít with me. Itís normal for you.

Brad: Are you sure you donít wanna have sex with Jennifer when she arrives?

Ross: Iíd love to but my chain wonít allow me to roam.

(Chandler enters)

Rachel: Hey Chandler, where Mon?

Chandler: Sheís in our bedroom crying.

Ross: Am I gonna have to kick your ass?

Chandler: It looks like youíre gonna have to try.

Brad: WhatĎd you do?

Chandler: I took our little insult game a little to far.

Rachel: What did you say?

Chandler: Something to the effect that she was too infertile to get pregnant.

Rachel: Chandler!

Ross: Way to go dude. Letís step outside.

Chandler: Weíll fight later. Iíve got to get her out of the bedroom so I can give her my apologies. Could you help me out Brad?

Brad: Why me?

Chandler: Because sheís secretly in love with you.

Brad: She is?

Chandler: No, but she wonĎt listen to any of us anymore.

Brad: Not even Rachel?

Rachel: I handled the last crisis in their marriage. My work here is done.

Brad: Ok, Iíll give it a shot. (Brad and Chandler leave)

Ross: Itís a good thing Iím married to you.

Rachel: Whyís that?

Ross: íCause youíre tough as nails, thereís nothing I can say to really hurt you.

Rachel: Really? What about ďwe were on a breakĒ?

Ross: Ok, thereís one thing. But we donít talk about that anymore now do we?

Rachel: Were we on a break?

Ross: No.

Rachel: Thatís the right answer. See, youíre learning.

Ross: But my actions were justified.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Nothing.

Rachel: Have fun having sex by yourself for the rest of our married life.

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Brad have entered. Monicaís in the bedroom)

Chandler: Iím gonna go next door. Good luck.

Brad: Iím not a miracle worker Chandler. Youíve really screwed yourself this time.

Chandler: I know. Just try. Iíll be back. (Chandler leaves)

Brad (at the bedroom door): Monica? Mon, itís Brad. Open the door.

Monica (opening the door): Hey.

Brad: Have you been crying?

Monica: Not really. A tidal wave just swept through my bedroom.

JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Chandler enters to find Taka still standing by the guest room door in his underwear)

Chandler: Hey, a Japanese man in his underwear. Thatís something you donít see everyday.

Taka: Konnichi wa (Good afternoon).

Chandler: Konnichi wa.

Taka: Oname wa? (whatĎs your name)

Chandler: Chandler desu. (I am Chandler) Oname wa?

Taka: Taka desu. (I am Taka)

Chandler: Thatís all I know buddy. Put on your clothes. Phoebe, Joey? Put your clothes on and get out here. (Joey and Phoebe emerge from their bedroom)

Phoebe: Heís still here? He doesnít take a hint very well.

Chandler: Did you tell him to leave?

Phoebe: I donít know how.

Chandler: Iíll handle this. (pointing towards the door) Taka, sayonara.

Taka: Sayonara?

Chandler: Gozaimasu, sayonara. (yes, goodbye)

Taka: Sayonara. (Taka leaves)

Joey: Dude, when did you learn Japanese?

Chandler: In college. I took four semesters of it.

Joey: Are you fluent?

Chandler: Hell no! I took the same class four times. I kept flunking.

Phoebe: Why are you here?

Chandler: I insulted Monica one too many times. Bradís trying to talk to her right now.

Joey: Bradís here? Is Jennifer with him?

Chandler: No, itís just Brad.

Joey: Whatíd you do?

Chandler: I made an insulting remark as to why sheís not pregnant yet.

Phoebe: You really are an idiot. How could you be so insensitive?

Chandler: Iím Chandler. I donít think before I shoot my mouth off.

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Brad and Monica are talking)

Brad: You know, I can really relate to what Chandler said.

Monica: How can you relate to that? He was so mean!

Brad: Hold on, let me explain. About a week ago Jennifer and I were talking about how she couldnít get pregnant. Well the conversation started out civil and then it got a little personal. She made a remark and I got mad.

Monica: Whatíd she say?

Brad: She said something that questioned my manhood. I just lost it and said that she couldnít get pregnant because she was as barren as an orchard in winter. Needless to say, she through a fit and kicked me out of the house. I havenít talked to her since. Actually, I was staying with my father-in-law.

Monica: Wow, that is serious. Are you guys gonna make it?

Brad: Yeah, I think so. Thereís no other woman in the world who could make me as happy as Jennifer has. Weíll work it out. Sheíll be here tomorrow. Hopefully sheís forgiven me.

Monica: You know, Iím partially at fault for what happened. I started the insults and I did question Chandlerís manhood. Man, he gets so freaked out when his manhood is questioned. I know better.

Brad: That still doesnít justify what he said.

Monica: No, but it makes me realize that Iím partially at fault too. Whereís Chandler?

Brad: Heís next door.

Monica: Iím gonna go talk to him.

Brad: Mon?

Monica: Yeah?

Brad: Do me a favor and donít say anything to anyone. Nobody knows that Jennifer kicked me out.

Monica: Not even Ross or Rachel?

Brad: No, they just know that we had a small argument.

Monica: Ok. Thanks a lot.

Brad: Glad I could help.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Rachel: Joey, whereís your wedding ring?

Phoebe: Iím wearing it.

Brad: Where? I donít see it. And wait a minute, you two are married? I thought you broke up.

Joey: We did but then she stole Hugsy.

Brad: Whoís Hugsy?

Ross: Joeyís bedtime penguin sleeping pal.

Monica: So whereís the ring Phoebe?

Phoebe: On my nipple chain.

Rachel: How long are you two gonna make a mockery out of marriage?

Joey: Eight and half more months.

(Jennifer enters)

Jennifer: Hey!

Everyone: Hey!

Brad: How was your flight honey?

Jennifer: It was fine. But Iím starving. Whoís hungry?

Everyone but Brad and Monica: Me!

Jennifer: Not hungry honey?

Brad: No. I think Iíll just hang here with Monica.

Jennifer: Ok, Iíll meet you back at the hotel. Iím in room 382.

Brad: Ok.

(Everyone but Brad and Monica leave)

Monica: Looks like sheís still mad at you.

Brad: Yeah. I canít believe she got a separate room. I donít know what to do.

Monica: I know. Come with me.

Brad: Where are we going?

Monica: To remind your wife why youíre the love of her life.

Brad: This doesnĎt involve streaking through a restaurant does it?

Monica: No.

Brad: Then what is it?

Monica: Youíll see.

Brad: You better not handcuff me to the bed naked either. Sheíll leave me there.

Monica: No, IĎd only do that to Chandler.

CLOSING CREDITS

OUTSIDE ON THE STREET

Chandler: Phoebe isnít that Taka over there?

Phoebe: Yeah. Why isnít he wearing only his underwear?

Chandler: I forgot to tell him to put them on.

Joey: That dude is clueless. Even I know to put clothes on before I go outside.

Ross: Yeah, at least youíve got that one thing going for you.