THE ONE WITH THE JEALOUSY
Written by: firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are talking at the table)
Monica: I can't believe Ross asked Rachel to marry him. Only you and I were supposed to get married this year.
Chandler: So they're getting married, so what? Ross and Rachel said they were getting married after us.
Monica: You don't get it do you?
Chandler: Get what?
Monica: My brother always upstages me. Growing up my parents were always Ross this, Ross that, oh and by the way, this is our fat daughter Monica.
Chandler: Monica, your parents are just as proud that you're getting married as they are of Ross.
Monica: Oh really? This morning my Mom called and said that they were having an engagement party for Ross and Rachel and wanted me to invite everyone. I asked my Mom why they didn't have a party for you and I. Do you know what she said?
Monica: You're getting married? When did that happen?
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are sitting at the table eating breakfast)
Ross: I talked to my parents, they want to throw an engagement party for us.
Rachel: Really? They didn't throw one for Monica and Chandler.
Ross: I guess that's because Monica waited three months to tell my parents that they were engaged.
Rachel: You don't think that's going to upset Monica?
Ross: No, I'm sure she'll be fine with it. Did you tell your parents?
Ross: What did they say?
Rachel: Well my Mom was happy for me. She said she always knew that we'd end up together.
Ross: What did your Dad say?
Rachel: He hung up the phone.
Ross: Your Dad never did like me.
Rachel: Dad likes you. I think he was just upset that you didn't ask him for my hand first. He'll be fine. I'll go see him later this week and straighten everything out.
Ross: Do you want me to come with you?
Rachel: No. No, you better just let me handle it.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are present)
Joey (whining): I want to get married.
Chandler: Well then ask Kate to marry you.
Joey: She won't, I already asked.
Phoebe: When did you ask her?
Joey: This morning.
Monica: What did you say?
Joey: I said "Wanna get married?"
Chandler: And she said no to that?
Joey: I know!
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Phoebe: Well if it isn't the newly engaged couple.
Rachel: So can you guys come to our engagement party?
Joey/Phoebe/Chandler: Yeah. Sure.
Ross: Are you going to come to our engagement party?
Monica: Your engaged?
Rachel: Monica, what's going on?
Monica: Nothing, I just didn't know you were engaged.
Chandler: Mon, can I see you for a minute? (Chandler and Monica walk over to the counter) What are you doing?
Monica (innocently): What am I doing?
Chandler: You know Ross and Rachel are getting married.
Monica: I did not.
Monica: Ok fine, but they don't have to know that.
Chandler: Monica, let it go. They're not going to make your parents forget about our wedding.
Monica: My parents are going to forget. They have already forgotten.
Chandler: You're being paranoid.
Monica: Am I? My Mom called again. I asked her if she sent the deposit to the Reception Hall, do you know what she said?
Chandler: She did?
Monica: She said why would I do that. So I had to send the $2,000 deposit to the hall and now we don't have any money.
(Chandler and Monica rejoin the gang)
Ross: So Monica, are you coming or not?
Monica (snappy): Yeah, we'll be there.
Rachel (to Ross): Honey we better go, we've got an appointment with the minister in a half hour.
Ross: See you guys.
(Ross and Rachel leave)
Joey: I thought Ross and Rachel were already married.
Phoebe: They were married. They got a divorce.
Joey: Then why are they getting married again?
Phoebe: Because they're in love.
Joey: What does that have to do with anything?
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are eating dinner)
Rachel: I think your sister is mad at you.
Ross: Why would she be mad at me?
Rachel: Ah, because you asked me to marry you.
Ross: I can undo that. Seriously, why would she care that I asked you to marry me?
Rachel: She probably feels jealous.
Rachel: Maybe she wanted to be the only one getting married. And besides, you're always getting married, maybe she just wanted a turn.
Ross: As I recall, you were part of marriage number 3.
Rachel: Donít remind me.
Ross: Ok, that's it. The wedding's off.
Rachel: We're still getting married.
Ross: Says who?
Rachel: Me. I wear the pants in this relationship. Seriously, just go and talk to Monica. Tell her that you're not trying to upstage her. You know, she's been waiting for this moment for all of her life and she just wants it to be special. Just let her know that we'll stay in the shadows until after her wedding.
Ross: I don't see why I have to.
Rachel: Because I said so.
Ross: As long as we're clear on that.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica is reading on the couch. Ross enters)
Ross: Ah, I just stopped by to ask you how the wedding plans are going.
Monica (snappy): Why do you care?
Ross (defensive): Because I'm your brother and I care.
Monica: They're going fine. Anything else?
Ross: No. I'll see you later. (Ross turns to leave, gets to the door and comes back). What's your problem?
Monica (mad): Excuse me?
Ross: Why are you so pissed off that I asked Rachel to marry me?
Monica: I'm not mad.
Ross: Please, you've been hostile to Rachel and I since we announced that we're getting married.
Monica: Which time?
Ross (astonished): What?
Monica: You and Rachel are always marrying.
Ross: I never married Rachel. (pause) Ok, we married once, but we were drunk.
Monica: You just had to do it didn't you. You just had to upstage me.
Ross: Is that what this is all about? You think I'm trying to upstage you?
Ross: You're friggin crazy.
Monica: Am I?
Ross: You and Chandler have been engaged for seven months.
Monica: And your point is?
Ross: Your wedding is in three months. Rachel and I aren't getting married for at least a year. How can I be trying to upstage you?
Monica: You've been doing it all my life.
Ross: You're insane. You are just a jealous, petty freak of nature!
Monica: Oh yeah? Well you're just a science geek with a bimbo for a fiancee!
(Ross, who is furious, just looks at Monica and leaves)
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey is pacing around, Chandler is sitting in his recliner)
Chandler: Would you stop it, you're making want to vomit.
Joey: I can't. I just have to get married. I know, you can convince Kate to marry me.
Chandler: I am not convincing Kate to marry anybody, especially you.
Joey: Why not!?
Joey: That's not a reason!
Chandler: I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you. Look, if you really want to marry Kate just ask her.
Joey: I did ask her!
Chandler: "Hey, wanna get married" is not asking someone to marry you. You have to make it special.
Joey: Like "Will you marry me?"
Chandler: That's better than "Hey, wanna get married?"
RALPH LAUREN (Rachel is working, Ross comes into her office)
Rachel: Hey honey, whatcha doing here?
Ross: I talked to Monica.
Rachel: So did you smooth things out with her?
Rachel: That's great. See, I told you I was right.
Ross: Yeah. Oh by the way, she congratulated me on marrying a bimbo.
Rachel: Who's the bimbo? (Ross just stares at Rachel) Monica called me a bimbo? That bitch!
Ross: Look honey, it's ok. She was just trying to hurt me.
Rachel: It's not ok, she's supposed to be my best friend and she thinks I'm a bimbo!
Ross: She doesn't think you're a bimbo.
Rachel: After I kick her ass she won't.
(Rachel quickly leaves and Ross goes after her)
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are present - continued from before)
Chandler: Joe, why do you want to get married?
Joey: 'Cause everybody else is doing it.
Joey: Well, you and Ross are getting married.
Chandler: And that's everybody?
Joey: Well yeah.
Chandler: And that's the only reason you want to get married.
Joey: Well that and the fact that I get to wear a wedding ring, (pause) and don't forget the presents.
Chandler: Joey, did the elevator stop going all the way to your brain?
Joey: I'm not following ya.
Chandler: You don't get married just because Ross and I, I mean everybody, are getting married and the fact that you want to wear a ring and get presents.
Joey: You don't think I don't know that?
Chandler: No, I don't.
Joey (long pause): Maybe I should just ask Kate to move in with me.
Chandler: And the elevator is no longer stuck between floors.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica is sitting on the couch reading, Rachel storms in)
Monica: Hey Rach, how did it go with the minister?
Rachel: Get off the couch bitch, I'm gonna kick your ass!
Rachel: Get up!
(Monica gets up and backs away from Rachel)
Monica: Ah, before you kick my ass, can you tell me what I did?
Rachel: Does the word bimbo ring a bell? (Rachel rolls up her sleeves)
Monica: Ross told you about that?
Rachel: Ah, yes!
Monica: Look Rach, I didn't mean it. I was mad at Ross. You know that I love you.
Rachel: No way, you're not talking your way out of this one.
Monica: Ok, but before you hit me, can I do something?
Rachel: Do what?
Monica: This. (Monica runs to her bedroom and shuts the door. Rachel follows her and tries to force the door open)
Rachel: Monica, open this door now!
Rachel: Open the door!
Monica: No! You might as well go, I'm not coming out.
Rachel: Fine, but I'm still going to kick your ass!
Phoebe: Hey Rach, what's up?
Rachel: Monica has locked herself in her room and won't come out.
Phoebe: Why not?
Rachel: 'Cause I'm going to kick her ass.
Phoebe: Monica, open the door and come out here. I wanna see Rachel kick your ass.
Monica: No. Like she could kick my ass!
Rachel: Come out here bitch and I'll show you!
(Ross, Chandler and Joey enter)
Ross: Where's Monica?
Rachel: She's hiding in her room.
Chandler: Why is she hiding?
Rachel: She called me a bimbo! And I'm gonna kick her ass!
Joey: A chick fight, cool.
Phoebe: She called you a bimbo?
Chandler (who has walked to bedroom door): Honey, it's me. Open the door.
Monica: I'm not coming out until Rachel is gone.
Chandler: Honey, open the door. Nothing is going to happen.
Rachel: Don't tell her that! I'm gonna kick her ass.
Monica: I'd like to see that!
Rachel: Then come out here you baby!
Chandler: Ross, would you control Rachel?
Ross: I can't.
Phoebe: Why not?
Ross: She wears the pants in our relationship.
Joey: Dude, you are so whipped.
Chandler: Monica, open the door now!
(Chandler's outburst takes everyone by surprise, including Monica who opens the door)
Chandler: Ross, Rachel, would you come in here please?
Rachel: I'm not going in there with her.
Monica: You're just afraid I'd kick your ass!
Rachel: Bring it on bitch!
(Chandler and Ross step in between Monica and Rachel)
Ross: Honey, calm down. Let's talk this thing out.
Chandler: Are you ok with that Mon?
(Chandler, Ross, Rachel and Monica go into the bedroom and shut the door, leaving Phoebe and Joey outside)
Phoebe: We never get included in anything.
Joey: That's pretty much the story of my life.
(in the bedroom)
Chandler: Monica, why did you call Rachel a bimbo?
Monica: I was pissed at Ross.
Ross: That's true.
Chandler (to Monica): Why are you mad at Ross?
Monica: He's always upstaging me. He just had to ask Rachel to marry him.
Rachel (to Ross): I thought you said she was fine with that?
Ross (who knows he's been caught in a lie): Ah, apparently she isn't?
Rachel: Mon, did your parents forget that you're getting married too?
Monica (starts to cry): Yes!
Rachel: Oh honey, it's ok. Ross and I will fix it.
Monica (still crying): How?
Rachel: We'll think of something. I'm sorry honey. (Rachel hugs Monica)
Monica: You know that I don't think you're a bimbo? I mean, you're my Maid of Honor and my best friend.
Rachel: I'm your Maid of Honor?
Monica: Of course, I wouldn't have anyone else.
Chandler: And to think that two minutes ago Rachel was going to kick Monica's ass.
THE GELLER'S HOUSE (the engagement party is on, everyone but Monica and Chandler are there)
Jack (to Ross): Where are Monica and Chandler?
Ross: They'll be here Dad, they were leaving right after us.
Judy: Then they should be here by now.
Joey: Maybe they decided to have a quickie before they left. (Everyone stares at Joey) Ah, I think I'm gonna get some food.
Phoebe: You can't take that boy anywhere.
Rachel (who is over by the door): They're coming, hit the lights. (The lights go out and Chandler and Monica enter)
Everyone who is present: Surprise!
(Monica stands shocked, Chandler has a huge smile on his face)
Monica: Jesus Christ, you scared the crap out of me. What's going on?
Ross: Monica, congratulations on your engagement to Chandler. Welcome to your engagement party.
Monica: I thought this was your and Rachel's party?
Rachel: Nope, it's yours you bimbo.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Everyone is present)
Monica: Ross and Rach, thanks so much for the party.
Ross: Not a problem.
Rachel: Yeah, ours is next weekend anyway.
Joey: Cool another party. Oh and hey, you guys can come to my engagement party next month.
Chandler: You asked Kate to marry you? You were supposed to ask her to move in with you.
Joey: I didn't ask her to marry me.
Phoebe: Then why are you having an engagement party?
Joey: You have to be getting married to have one?
Monica: Ah, yeah.
Joey: Then why did we have a party for Chandler and Monica?
Ross: 'Cause they are getting married.
Joey: That's not what your Mom said.