THE ONE WITH THE RETURN OF JILL
Written by: firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Monica and Chandler are present)
Monica: Ross, what are you and Rachel doing tonight?
Ross: I don't know. Why?
Rachel: Honey, we're going to my mom's.
Ross: Is that tonight?
Rachel: Yes, I told you this morning in bed.
Chandler: And I wonder why he can't remember.
Rachel (ignoring Chandler): Honey, remember, I told you that mom wanted us to come over for dinner and see her new place.
Ross: Oh that's right. How did I forget?
Monica: Is Jill going to be there?
Rachel: I don't think so. Actually I didn't ask.
Chandler: Shouldn't you find out?
Rachel: Why, it's not like Ross is going to kiss her again.
Ross: Says who? (Rachel glares at Ross- pause) Just kidding.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S (Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch talking)
Monica: I wish my mom was like Rachel's mom.
Chandler: Why? Your mom is great.
Chandler: She's great. I really like her.
Monica: Chandler, my mother doesn't like you!
Chandler: What? What do you mean she doesn't like me?
Monica: She just pretends to like you. She hates everything that is associated with me.
Chandler: That's not true, how do you explain last Thanksgiving? She was happy that it wasn’t me who was smoking pot. She even said she was glad that you had found someone like me.
Monica: Then why haven't I told my parents that we're engaged?
Chandler: You haven't told them yet? We've been engaged for three months.
Monica: Face it Chandler, my mom doesn't like you. She doesn't like anyone I go out with.
Chandler: We're not just going out, we're going to be married. I'm gonna be her son-in-law. She can't hate her son-in-law.
Phoebe: Hey guys, guess what?
Chandler: Monica's mother doesn't like me.
Phoebe: Ok, that's not what I was going to say, but then, tell me something I don't know if you're going to spoil my game.
Monica: Pheebs, what is it?
Phoebe: Oh yeah, I got a new job.
Monica: Ok. Are you going to tell us doing what or are we going to have to guess?
Phoebe: Oh fun, a game. Ok guess.
Chandler: You're going to be a stripper.
Monica: Chandler! Pheebs what is it?
Phoebe: I like that stripper idea.
Phoebe: Oh, sorry. Ok, I am going to be Joey's personal assistant. Since he got the lead as Mac, he doesn't have time to do all of his personal stuff.
Chandler: You're not going to sleep with his girlfriend for him are you?
Monica: Chandler, go to your room!
Chandler: Alright, I'll stop.
Chandler: Okay. Fine. But you're not getting any tonight. (Chandler goes to their bedroom)
Monica: Pheebs, are you sure you want to be his assistant? Do you really want to do his laundry and stuff?
Phoebe: Oh, I don't mind. The cool part is that I get to read scripts and stuff with him down at the set.
Monica: What about your current job as a masseuse?
Phoebe: Oh, I quit that a year ago. I have been living off the trust fund my grandma left me for the past year. Did you know she was a multi-millionaire? I am doing this job for fun. Well I have to go pick up Joey's dry cleaning, see you guys later. Bye Chandler.
Chandler (from bedroom): Bye Pheebs. Good luck stripping.
Monica: Chandler! And you wonder why my mother doesn't like you!
RACHEL'S MOM'S CONDOMINIUM (Rachel, Ross and Sandra are sitting talking)
Rachel: I really like what you've done to the place Mom.
Sandra: Thanks honey, your sister Jill did most of the decorating.
Ross: So what is Jill up to these days? (Rachel glares at Ross)
Sandra (not noticing the tension): Oh, she's working for an interior decorator. She should be here any minute.
Rachel (panicky): Jill's coming? Jill's coming here?
Sandra: Yes, is that a problem dear?
Rachel: No, no problem. I just haven't seen her since she came to the City.
Sandra: Yes, she told me about that. She said she had a wonderful time.
Sandra: She said that you (Rachel) treated her great and that Ross was kind enough to take her out on the town.
Rachel: She didn't say anything else?
Sandra: Oh, she said that you took her new clothes away from her to teach her some responsibility.
Sandra: Speak of the devil, hi sweetie, how are you? Look who's also here, Ross and Rachel.
Jill: Hey Rach, it's great to see you again. It's good to see you and Ross back together again.
Ross: Hey Jill, how's it going. (Ross sticks his hand out to shake hers, but she pulls him into a hug. Rachel looks on uncomfortably)
Rachel: So you got a job and everything?
Jill: Well, I have to follow in my big sister's footsteps. I have to be responsible. What's for dinner?
Sandra: Actually, we're going out.
Rachel: We are?
Sandra: Yes, is that ok?
Rachel: It's fine.
Sandra: Is there something going on between you two that I am unaware of? (pointing at Rachel and Jill).
Sandra: Alright then, let's go.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)
Joey: Pheebs, did you pick up my dry cleaning? I need my suit, I am taking Kate out to a fancy restaurant tonight and I need to dress up.
Phoebe: What, no more pizza and beer dates?
Joey: No, she told me if I took her to pizza one more time that she'd dump me.
Phoebe: I put your dry cleaning in Chandler's old bedroom.
Joey: Thanks. (Joey walks in Chandler's old bedroom and yells) Phoebe! These aren't my clothes. (Joey emerges with a bunch of women's clothes) Not unless I'm Chandler's father.
Phoebe: Oh no. Joey, I am so sorry. The dry cleaner must have screwed up.
Joey: Pheebs, how could you do this to me? What am I gonna do now? Kate is gonna dump me.
Phoebe: Don't panic. We'll figure something out. Wear one of Chandler's suits.
Joey: That won't work, he's fatter than I am.
Phoebe: You could wear a belt.
Joey: I am not wearing one of Chandler's suits.
Phoebe: Then borrow one of Ross'. (Walking into Chandler's old room)
Joey: I can't, he's too tall and he's thinner than I am.
Phoebe: Then wear this suit. (emerging from Chandler's old room)
Joey: I can't wear that suit, it hasn't been dry cleaned yet.
Joey: Wait a minute, you did pick up my dry cleaning. Whose stuff is this?
Phoebe: That's my dry cleaning.
Joey: Geez, Pheebs, you really had me going there. If you're gonna be my personal assistant, you can't be pulling pranks like this.
Phoebe: I didn't pull any prank. You just didn't realize that your stuff was under my dry cleaning. Come to think of it, that would've been a good prank. Damn, I wish I had thought of that.
RESTAURANT (Sandra, Rachel, Ross, and Jill are having dinner. Ross is seated next to both Rachel and Jill)
Rachel: So Jill, when are you coming back to the City?
Jill: I'm not, I like it here in the suburbs.
Sandra: Dear I think she meant to visit.
Jill: Oh, whenever you’re willing to have me.
Ross: You're welcome anytime. (Rachel glares at Ross).
Waiter: May I take your order please?
Sandra: Yes, I'll have the toss salad with house dressing to start and the salmon for dinner.
Jill: I'll have a spinach salad and the lobster with extra butter.
Rachel: Jill, don't you think that's a little expensive?
Sandra: It's ok Rachel, order what you want. You father's alimony check is paying anyway.
Rachel: I'll have a cup of soup and the halibut.
Ross (as Ross begins to order, he feels a hand begin to slide up his thigh. He thinks it is Rachel's but then realizes that both of her hands are above the table. He glances at Jill who is smiling mischievously at him): I'll have a salad with vinagrette and the swordfish. (Pause) Ah, I have to use the restroom, I'll be right back. (Ross stands up and leans down to whisper something into Rachel's ear) Meet me by the bathrooms. (Ross leaves)
Rachel: Um, I am gonna go wash my hands in the bathroom. I like to have clean hands before I eat. (Rachel leaves).
Sandra (to Jill): Do you have to go to the bathroom too?
Jill: No Mom. I am big girl now, I know when I have to go.
IN FRONT OF THE BATHROOMS
Rachel: What's the matter?
Ross: I think your sister is hitting on me again.
Ross: She was putting her hand on my thigh and rubbing it while I was ordering.
Rachel: That was me.
Ross: No, it was Jill. You had both hands above the table. I checked.
Rachel: Sweetie, I have been rubbing your leg all night. Are you sure it wasn't me?
Ross: I'm positive. Besides, you wouldn't rub your hand up to my lightsaber, if you know what I mean.
Rachel: She touched your, your thing?
Ross: I'm afraid so.
Rachel: I'm gonna kill her.
Ross: Look, let's just get through dinner and forget it even happened.
Rachel: And what are you going to do if she keeps doing it? Ignore her? I don't think so.
Ross: Look, as long as your hand is under the table, she wouldn't dream of doing it too.
Rachel: Yes she would.
Ross: Well then what are we going to do?
Rachel: Well, we'll switch seats.
Ross: Ok. We'd better get back.
RESTAURANT TABLE (Ross and Rachel rejoin the table, but switch seats. Sandra notices.)
Sandra: Did you guys switch seats?
Rachel: Yes, Ross was watching the basketball game on the TV that's in the bar. I hate it when he does that, so I made him switch seats.
Jill: Are you sure that's the reason why?
Ross: Yes, I can't help myself. I love sports.
Jill: It's not because I was rubbing my hand up and down your thigh?
Sandra (spitting out the mouthful of wine she had just drank): Jill!
Rachel: That's it Jill. This is the last time you try and steal one of my boyfriends.
(the whole restaurant is now looking at the table)
Jill (raising her voice): It's not like Ross and I haven't slept together. What did you think went on when I visited? Heck, you encouraged us to go out.
Sandra (loudly): What!? (to Ross) You've slept with both of my babies?
Ross (calmly): I didn't sleep with Jill. I kissed her once. She tried to force herself one me.
Rachel: That's true Mom. Other than that, she's lying. (to Jill, loudly) If you touch Ross one more time I'm gonna kick your scrawny little ass.
Jill: I'd like to see that.
Sandra: Alright, enough you two. Sit Down. Ross, explain what the hell is going on here.
Ross: Jill came to visit Rachel. Jill and I hit it off and I took her out and showed her some off my paleontology slides. Rachel asked me to stop seeing her so I did. Jill came over upset, or at least I thought she was upset, and before I knew it, we were kissing. I stopped the kissing, Jill got mad, and broke my slide projector. (to Jill) Which is still broken by the way. (to Sandra) Then a couple of months later, Rachel and I got back together. That's the story.
Sandra: So you didn't sleep with Jill?
Ross: No, I could never do that to Rachel. I love her too much.
Rachel: That's so sweet. I love you too.
Jill: He's lying. I didn't force myself on him. He encouraged me.
Sandra: Jill, enough of your lying. You and I are gonna have a serious talk when we get home, and keep your hands were I can see them.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S (Chandler and Monica are having dinner with her Mom and Dad)
Chandler: So Mrs. Geller, has Monica told you the big news?
Judy: No, what news?
Monica: Chandler! Can I see you for a moment?
Chandler: Sure honey.
(Monica and Chandler huddle by the front door)
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: I was just going to tell them that we're getting married.
Monica: Don't you think I should be the one to tell them?
Chandler: Yes, but we have been engaged for three months and you still haven't told them. I figured I help you out and spill the beans myself.
Monica: If you spill the beans, you can forget about the wedding.
Chandler: Monica, this is crazy. Just tell them, they'll be happy for us, I guarantee it. If I'm wrong, I'll let you spend whatever you want on the wedding.
Monica: Fine, I'll tell them.
(Monica and Chandler return to the table)
Judy: Is everything alright dear?
Monica: Everything's fine Mom. I have something to tell you. Actually, we do. (grabs Chandler's hand)
Jack: Well what is it Monica?
Monica: Chandler and I are engaged. I am going to marry Chandler.
Judy: You're going to marry the gay boy?
Monica: Mom, he's not gay.
Judy: I know sweetie, I was just kidding. Come here Chandler, give your future mother-in-law a hug. (Chandler goes over and hugs Judy, who then whispers in his ear) I give you a lot of credit for wanting to marry Monica. I tell Monica that I dislike you, but it's not true. It's just a mother-daughter game.
Jack: Congratulations sweetie (hugs Monica). Chandler, next time ask my permission for my daughter's hand.
Chandler: I don't think there's going to be a next time, I only plan on doing this once.
Jack: Well ask my permission before you guys start having kids.
Jack: What? A father has to have his hand in his daughter's marriage somehow.
Judy: Don't forget you'll be paying for most of it.
Monica (to Chandler): And the fun starts now. Even though my mother dislikes you, are you sure you still want to get married?
Chandler: As long as it's you, everyone in the world could hate me and I wouldn't care.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Phoebe is present)
Monica: Joey, where's Phoebe?
Joey: She's doing my laundry.
Ross: Why aren't you doing your own laundry?
Joey: It's Phoebe's job.
Joey: She's my personal assistant. It's part of the job, she has to do my laundry. She's upstairs doing it right now.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is reading, sitting on the recliner. Everyone else walks in)
Joey: Phoebe, what are you doing? You're suppose to be doing my laundry.
Phoebe: I am doing your laundry.
Joey: Then why aren't you at the laundry mat.
Phoebe: Because my personal assistant is there doing it for me.
Chandler: Who's your personal assistant?
Phoebe: Duncan. He got fired from the Ice Capades so I hired him as my personal assistant.
Rachel: Phoebe, isn't Duncan you're boyfriend? Isn't it kind of strange to be paying your boyfriend to do someone else's laundry, Joey's laundry?
Phoebe: I'm not actually paying him, I'm rewarding him, if you know what I mean.
Monica: Your rewarding him with sex?
Phoebe: Of course I am. I'm not going to pay my own boyfriend to do the work that I'm suppose to do.
Ross (to Joey): You're ok with this?
Joey: Sure, what do I care? As long as the work is done, I don't care how it's done. Ah, Pheebs, can I pay you in sexual favors instead of cash?
Phoebe: Sure honey.
Phoebe: Oh relax, I was kidding.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are lying in bed talking)
Rachel: I can't believe my sister. She actually hit on you when I was present. What, did she think I wouldn't notice?
Ross: It's kind of weird isn't it. The Green girls going ga ga over the Ross man.
Ross: The Green girls dig me. They can't live without me.
Rachel: I'd shut up while you're behind. I managed to live without you after we broke up. We can go back to that if you want.
Ross: No, no. It's me that can't live without the Green girls.
Ross: I mean girl. Rachel Green, the only Green for me.
Rachel: That's better. Goodnight. (Rachel turns off the lights) Ross, is that you're hand on my thigh?
Rachel: Who's hand is it?
Ross: That's not my hand.
Rachel: Then what is it?
Rachel: Oh my Mr. Geller, is someone happy to be with a Green girl?