Written by: firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong
to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane
Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is
for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Joey and Phoebe are present)
Rachel: Has anyone heard from Monica or Chandler?
Phoebe: When do they get back?
Rachel: Not until the end of the week.
Joey: What day is it today?
Phoebe: Duh, even a dumb monkey knows that today is the day after yesterday.
Rachel: It's Tuesday.
Joey (whining): Man I miss Chandler!
Phoebe: What, are you his love slave or something?
Ross: Come on Joey, it's not that bad.
Plus it gives us the chance to hang out
together. I know, there is this new exhibit
opening at the
Museum of Modern Art this afternoon. What do you say we go check it out?
Joey: Art? Why would I want to see art? Take Rachel, like I would enjoy seeing art.
Rachel: I can't go, I have to go into work for inventory.
Ross: Fine Joey, you don't have to go. I guess I'll look at the paintings of naked women by myself.
Joey: There are naked women in these paintings?
Joey: You didn't tell me that! What are we waiting for? Let's go! (Joey and Ross sprint out of Central Perk)
Rachel: At least we now know where Joeys brain is located.
ART MUSEUM (Ross and Joey are looking at the paintings)
Joey: Hey Ross, check this one out.
Ross: Which one?
Joey: The one with the naked girl holding the apple with a snake covering her privates.
Ross: That's Eve.
Joey: You know her? Is she single? She's got a great rack.
Ross: No. No, that's a depiction of Eve eating the forbidden apple in the Garden of Eden.
Joey: The Garden of Eden? Where's that, New Jersey?
Ross: New Jersey? Aren't you Catholic?
Joey: Yeah, but how am I supposed to know where the Garden of Eden is? I thought it might be in New Jersey. It's the garden state after all.
Ross: The Garden of Eden is where Adam and Eve lived in the biblical story of creation.
Joey: The snake's name is Adam?
Ross: No, the snake is the devil.
Joey: Who's Adam then?
Ross (sarcastically): He's Eve's boyfriend.
Joey: Are they serious?
Ross: They're not even real people!
Joey: Well then how do you know her name?
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Rachel are lounging around)
Phoebe: It was nice of Chandler and Monica to leave their door open while they're gone.
Rachel: They didn't Pheebs. I still have my key.
Phoebe: Oh. What do you wanna do?
Rachel: Wanna get naked?
Rachel: Wanna oil each other up and roll around naked?
Rachel: Well it wouldn't be as exciting if I did it by myself.
Phoebe: You should try it sometime, it's fun. Did I say that out loud? But no, I don't.
Rachel (laughing): But Courteney said that you kiss so well.
Phoebe: No! I'm not a lesbian!
Rachel (laughing): She also said that you rocked her world.
Phoebe: God, you make out with another woman once and they label you a lesbian.
(Joey and Ross enter)
Joey: Hey Rach. Pheebs, how's the girlfriend?
Phoebe: I don't have a girlfriend!
Ross: So that girl you were making out with at the reception, you just do that occasionally?
Phoebe: Look, I was drunk. Like none of
you have ever made a drunken mistake before.
Married in Vegas (points to Ross and Rachel),
around the apartment building completely naked (points at Joey).
Ross: Ah Pheebs, I know you're probably not interested but I promised Carol and Susan that I pass on their message.
Phoebe: What is it?
Ross: Ah, they said that if you and Courteney are up for swapping partners, they'd be willing to participate.
Phoebe: Stop, stop it! I'm not a lesbian!
Ross/Joey/Rachel: Sorry Pheebs.
Rachel (to Phoebe): So I guess you don't want to roll around naked? (Phoebe glares at Rachel)
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is meditating. There's a knock on her door)
(Phoebe opens the door)
Phoebe: Courteney, what are you doing here?
Courteney: I have a problem. David kicked
me out of our apartment. I made the mistake
of telling him what happened between us
Phoebe: Who's David?
Courteney: My boyfriend of three years.
Actually hes my ex-boyfriend now.
He completely went insane when I told him.
He was saying that
I'm a lesbian and that I like women more than I like men. Anyway, I need a place to stay and since we just moved here from Jersey, I dont
really know anyone. Can I crash on your couch?
Phoebe: Sure. Actually you can sleep in Denise's old room. She just moved out. How long do you think you'll need to stay?
Courteney: I don't know, until I find a new place probably.
Phoebe: Why dont you just live with me?
Courteney: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Sure, what are friends for?
Courteney: But we just met at the wedding.
Phoebe: So? Any friend of Chandlers
is a friend of mine. Come on, itll
be fun! Whats Davids problem?
Normally guys get really excited
when they hear of two attractive women making out.
Courteney: I think he's homophobic.
Phoebe: Hes gay?
Courteney: No, hes afraid of them.
Phoebe: Oh. (pause) I have to know one thing though, you do know that it was a drunken mistake, right?
Courteney: Totally. Dont you remember? It was a dare from your friend Joey.
Phoebe: Joey made us do that? Im gonna kill that bastard!
Courteney: Dont hurt him too bad, hes so cute.
Phoebe: Getting over David rather quickly I see.
Courteney: What? Im not allowed to say a guys cute? Its not like Im gonna act on it.
Phoebe: You must not know Joey very well.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Ross and Rachel are sitting on the couch)
Joey: When does Chandler get back?
Rachel: Joey for the last time, they get back on Friday.
Ross: Has anyone seen Phoebe? I feel really bad about teasing her before.
Rachel: You should feel bad.
Ross: As I recall, youre the one who wanted to roll around naked with her.
Joey: Nice. (Rachel glares at Joey) Sorry.
(Phoebe and Courteney enter)
Phoebe: Hey guys, you remember Courteney from the wedding right?
Joey: How could I forget?
Phoebe: Joseph Tribbiani, you behave yourself.
Ross: Hi Courteney, its nice to see you again.
Phoebe: Courteneys gonna be my new roommate!
Phoebe: Joseph, if you say anything else you will die!
Joey: Sorry. So Courteney, how you doin?
Rachel (to Ross): Hes already started.
Ross (to Rachel): At least he lasted this long.
Courteney: Pretty good Joey. How you doin?
Joey: You need any help unpacking anything?
Courteney: Thats so sweet. Sure, Id love a hand.
Phoebe: Courteney, if youre not careful hell try to give you more than a hand.
(Carol, Susan, and Ben enter)
Carol: Hey guys!
Ross: Hey Carol, Susan. Theres my little boy!
Ben: Dad, Im six years old. Im not a little boy anymore, Im a man.
Ross (to Carol): Has he been watching too much Seinfeld again?
Carol: Anyway, Susan and I have to be going. Oh hi Courteney, I didnt see you there.
Susan: So Phoebe, have you given anymore thought to our offer?
Phoebe (loudly): We are not lesbians! (Everyone in Central Perk stares at Phoebe)
Susan: Ah Phoebe, I was talking about singing at our anniversary party.
Phoebe: Ok, I really have to stop drinking. You guys want me to sing at your anniversary party?
Carol: Yes. Dont you remember? We talked about at Chandler and Monicas wedding.
Phoebe: I dont remember much from that wedding.
Joey: Dont you remember making out with Courteney?
Phoebe: Shut up Joey. (to Susan) Id be happy to sing at your party.
Carol: All right, we have to go. Be a good boy, I mean man, Ben.
Courteney: Well I better go unpack, Ill see you guys later. (Courteney goes to leave)
Joey: Courteney wait, Ill go with you. (Sees Ross and Rachel staring at him) What? She said she needed a hand.
(Joey and Courteney leave)
Phoebe: I think Joey just found his new girlfriend. Id better go supervise those two.
Ross: Well Rach, are you ready to take Ben to the movies?
Ben: Were going to the movies Aunt Rachel?
Rachel: Yup, were going to see Rugrats In Paris.
Ross: You know son, pretty soon Aunt Rachel is going to be your step mom. (Cut to Rachel who looks like shes a deer caught in headlights)
Gunther (from behind the counter): Not if I can help it!
Ben: Im gonna have three moms?
Ross: Yeah kiddo, three moms.
Ross (to Rachel): I told you hed like the idea of having three moms.
JOEYS APARTMENT (Joey and Ross are hanging out)
Joey: Ross, how did you know when Rachel was the one for you?
Ross: When I saw her in a two-piece bathing suit for the first time.
Joey: Was it a thong?
Ross: She was in the tenth grade, so no! Why are you asking me about this?
Joey: I think I found my soulmate.
Ross: Joey, you just met her. She just broke up with her boyfriend of three years.
Joey: So? After Rachel broke up with you, didnt you always know that youd end up together again?
Ross: I guess deep down, yeah I did.
Joey: Its just that I was helping her unpack and I felt this strong connection to her. It was even stronger than the way I felt about Kate.
Ross: Dude, youre scaring me. What did you do with the womanizing Joey who lives in this apartment?
Joey: Im serious. For the first time in my life Im actually scared of a woman.
(Theres a knock on the door)
Ross: Must be a stranger, everyone we know just barges in.
Joey: Come in.
(the door opens and its Courteney)
Courteney: Hey Ross. Ready for dinner Joey?
Joey: Yeah, Ill be right there. Ross, could I talk to you over here for a minute?
Ross (unsure what Joey wants): Ok.
Joey: How do I not sleep with her on the first date?
Joey: I always sleep with my dates on the first date. I cant help myself, they love my special charm.
Ross: Well the easiest way is to not invite her back to your place.
Joey: Its that simple?
Ross: Ah, yeah.
Joey: Great, thanks. (to Courteney) Ready?
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are lying in bed)
Rachel: Ben is so cute. Do you know what he said to me while you were hanging out with Joey?
Rachel: He said that out of his three moms, Im the hottest.
Ross: He said that? That kid is growing up so fast.
Rachel: Do you wanna make another one?
Ross: What? You cant be serious?
Rachel: Im not. I wanted to see your reaction.
Ross: You want kids right?
Rachel: And what if I didnt? Would you still marry me?
Ross: Of course!
Rachel: What about the whole two kids, living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes thing?
Ross: You remember that fight?
Rachel: How could I ever forget it? You had planned our whole life together after wed only been dating for six weeks.
Ross: I love you, whether we have kids or not doesnt really concern me at this point.
Rachel: You do know that I want to have kids with you right?
Ross: I do now. (Ross rolls over on top of Rachel and starts kissing her. Ben comes into the bedroom)
Rachel: Ross. Ross stop! Youre son is here.
Ross: Hi Ben, I was just showing Aunt Rachel how to do CPR. Whats up?
Ben: I cant sleep.
Ross: How come?
Ben: Whats a lesbian? What did Aunt Phoebe mean when she said she wasnt a lesbian?
Ross (to Rachel): Do you want to handle this one?
Rachel: I think you better.
PHOEBE & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Courteney and Joey are returning from their date)
Courteney: I had a really great time tonight.
Joey: So did I. Well I guess Ill see you later. (Joey turns to leave)
Courteney: Arent you gonna kiss me goodnight?
Joey: Sorry. (Kisses Courteney)
Courteney: Do you wanna come in for some coffee or something?
Joey: I cant.
Courteney: Why not?
Joey: Cause coffee will lead to sex and Im not allowed to sleep with you on the first date.
Courteney: What? You think I want to have sex with you tonight?
Joey: You dont?
Courteney: No! I think you better go. Goodnight Joey. (Courteney goes into the apartment and leaves Joey standing in the hall).
Joey: Didnt see that one coming.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross is trying to explain what a lesbian is to Ben)
Ross: Ok Ben, a lesbian, a lesbian is someone who likes girls.
Ben: So youre a lesbian?
Ross: No, no. Im not a lesbian.
Ben: But you just said that a lesbian is someone who likes girls.
Ross: Rachel, could you come here please?
Rachel (to Ross): What?
Ross: Could you help out here please?
Rachel: Ok. (long pause- Ross looks at her)
Rachel: Well what?
Ross: What is a lesbian?
Rachel (softly): Youre the one who
married one. (Ross gives Rachel a look that
could kill) Ok. Ben. Ben a lesbian is a
girl who likes other
Ben: Oh. So all the girls in my class are lesbians?
Ross: Ok Ben. You know how you have two mommies?
Ross: Well your two mommies are people who love each other very much and share a special bond.
Rachel: Ben, you know how your Dad and
I kiss to show that we love each other (Ben
nods his head) well a lesbian is someone
another girl to show the same thing.
Ben: So my mommies are lesbians?
Ross: Yes son, your mommies are lesbians.
Rachel (to Ross): Joey and Chandler should not be allowed to babysit Ben anymore.
Ross: Do you understand Ben?
Ben: Yeah. Goodnight. (Ben returns to the spare bedroom)
Ross: Do you feel like a mom now?
Rachel: Yeah, and you know what? It doesnt scare me anymore.
Ross: Thats cause youre the hottest mommy.
PHOEBE & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Its 3 a.m. and Joey is standing out in the hall pounding on the door)
Joey: Courteney wake up! I have to talk to you!
(the door opens and its Phoebe)
Phoebe: Joey, if I open my eyes and youre still here, I am going to kill you.
Joey (pushes Phoebe aside): Wheres Courteney?
Phoebe: Shes sleeping jackass!
Joey: I have to talk to her. I screwed up Phoebe. I have to make things right.
Phoebe: I told you that youre womanizing ways would bite you in the behind someday.
Joey: You never said that!
Phoebe: Uh huh!
(Courteney appears from her room)
Courteney: Phoebe, Ill talk to Joey, go to bed.
Phoebe: Goodnight. (to Joey) Dont screw this up.
Joey: Im sorry Courteney, I just couldnt sleep. Not with you mad at me.
Courteney: Why are you here?
Joey: I really like you and I dont want you to hate me.
Courteney: Then dont tell women that you expect sex on the first date.
Joey: Thats the problem, I dont. They just volunteer.
Joey: That didnt come out right. Anyway, I didnt want to sleep with you either. I wanted to develop a relationship with you first.
Joey: You must be tired, you keep saying what. Look, I have never met anyone like you before, youre so, so .
Courteney: Looks like Im not the only one whos tired.
Joey: I just like you a lot.
Courteney: I like you too.
Courteney: Yeah, no guy would ever come
crawling back like you did tonight. I like
that you admitted your mistake. Look Im
can we talk some more later?
Joey: Yeah, thanks for hearing me out. Ill see you later.
Courteney: Do you wanna spend the night with me?
Joey: Ah .
Courteney: Dont worry, there will be no sex.
Joey: That would be a first. Damn it, I cant believe I said that out loud.
Joey: Sounds great.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (the next morning. Carol and Susan have come to pick up Ben)
Ross: Hey Carol, Susan.
Carol: Wheres Ben?
Ross: Hes making his bed with Rachel.
Susan: I see Rachel is practicing to be a mom.
Ross: Pretty scary huh?
Carol: Rachels gonna be a great mom someday.
(Rachel and Ben enter)
Rachel: Hi Susan, Carol.
Carol/Susan: Hi Rachel.
Carol: Did you have fun Ben?
Ben: You betcha you lesbian!
Ross: Ah, Carol, Susan, can I talk to you for a minute?