THE ONE WHERE JOEY TRAPS PHOEBE
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Phoebe and Joey are present)
Rachel: What do you wanna do today?
Ross: Who are you talking to?
Rachel: My secret boyfriend who got me pregnant.
Chandler: The postman is here?
Ross: You wanna go bowling Rach?
Rachel: No, that’s not what I had in mind. That’d be just a little difficult don’t you think?
Chandler: Why not? Your stomach’s already like a ball, you could just roll yourself down the lane.
Ross: What do you wanna do then?
Rachel: I wanna go shopping for maternity clothes.
Ross: I think this is your territory Mon.
Rachel (to Ross): But we haven’t spent any time together this whole week. I wanna go shopping with you honey.
Ross: Fine, but we‘re watching Jurassic Park tonight.
Chandler: You are so whipped.
Monica: I’d shut up if I were you Chandler.
Monica: We’re going with Rachel and Ross.
Ross: Wait a minute, you two cooked this up didn’t you?
Rachel: It’s more like we trapped you. You’re going shopping with your wives and you‘re gonna have fun.
Chandler: I knew I should’ve never gotten married.
Monica: Tell me about it.
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Chandler: Hey Joe. How’d you sleep last night? Was Hugsy good to you?
Joey: It was the best sleep I’ve had in months. Where’s Phoebe?
Monica: What do I look like, an information booth at the mall?
Joey: You use to.
Chandler: Not bad Mon, you’re getting better. Joey, that was an excellent come back.
Joey: Thank you very little.
Ross: Why do you wanna see Phoebe Joe?
Joey: I just think it’d be nice to see my fiancée. I mean we are getting married now, I figured it be a good time to ask her to move in with me.
Rachel: You can’t be serious Joey. You said you had to propose to Phoebe just because the kidnappers wanted you to. You’re not gonna hold her to her answer are you? She was just trying to help you out.
Joey: She said yes and we’re getting married! I didn’t say anything to Ross when he asked you to marry him.
Ross: Joey, I didn’t tell you that I was gonna ask Rachel to marry me.
Joey: Well if you did I would’ve been supportive. I would’ve kept to myself that I thought it was a bad idea.
Rachel: What?! Why was it a bad idea?
Joey: Marriage kills a man, just look what it’s done to Chandler. He’s half the man he used to be!
It was too late for Chandler, but not to late for Ross.
Monica: That’s ridiculous Joey! Chandler loves being married.
Joey: That’s not what he said the other night!
Monica: What did you say?!
Chandler: I swear, I didn’t say anything!
Joey: Oh yeah, then what was that crack about having more sex when you were single than you’re having now?
Chandler: That was a comment made between two guys who were shooting the breeze you idiot!
Monica: Chandler, before we fell in love you never had sex! How could you possibly make that comment?
Joey: Except with himself of course.
Chandler: Shut up Joey! (to Monica) Look Mon, I was just frustrated with you. You hadn’t let me touch you since you found out that I lost our vacation money in Atlantic City. I was only kidding. I love you, no sex or a lot sex, I will always love you.
Monica: Ok, I forgive you.
Joey: You are such a brown noser.
Chandler: And you’re a dead man.
Joey: I gotta go find Phoebe. See you guys later.
Rachel: Just like Joey. Show up for ten minutes, get the married couples mad at each other and then leave and act like he didn’t do anything.
MACY’S (Monica and Rachel are looking at clothes. Chandler and Ross are bored out of their minds)
Chandler: Joey’s right about one thing. Marriage does have its drawbacks.
Ross: Yeah, if we were still single we’d be doing something fun right now instead of sitting here watching our wives shop for clothes.
Chandler: Can I ask you a question?
Chandler: Do you and Rachel have more or less sex now that you’re married?
Ross: Well give that Rach is five months pregnant, I’d have to say less.
Chandler: Well what about before she got pregnant?
Ross: Then I would say about the same. Why?
Chandler: I dunno. It just seems that Monica doesn’t like to have as much sex now that we’re married.
Ross: Well she was affected by her miscarriage.
Chandler: Still. Even after going to counseling for that, we don’t do it as much as when we were dating. She wants to cuddle more and talk.
Ross: And that’s bad?
Chandler: No. It’s just that before I met Monica, I didn’t have a lot of sex. Of course living with Joey I heard him having sex, but I just wasn’t a ladies man. Then I met Monica and that’s all we did the first year we were dating. I want that back, I want the hot sex to come back.
Ross: Ok, number one, you’re freaking me out. Number two, have you said anything to Monica?
Ross: There you go. Talk to her. Tell her what you want. Better yet, plan a romantic evening at home. Make her feel special and I guarantee you that she’ll respond.
Chandler: For the love of God you better not have slept with your sister.
Ross: No! I do that for Rachel when I feel that we need to spice up our sex life a little. How do you think I got her pregnant?
Chandler: I figured through in vitro fertilization.
(Rachel and Monica come over)
Rachel: Do you like this outfit Ross?
Ross: Does it matter if I like it?
Rachel: Not really.
Ross: Then it’s perfect for you.
Rachel (to Monica): I told you he’d like it. Yeah, I’m not getting this one.
Ross (to Chandler): Yeah, we have the same amount of sex, but the insults have increased ten fold.
PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Phoebe is practicing her yoga. There’s a knock on the door)
Phoebe: For Christ’s sake. Who is it?
Joey (from outside): It’s Joey.
Phoebe: Come on in.
Joey: Hey honey! (kisses Phoebe, who is a little surprised)
Phoebe: What are you doing?
Joey: What, the fiancé can’t kiss his fiancée?
Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Joey: We’re getting married. You’re my fiancée.
Phoebe: Have you been smoking pot again?
Joey: No. Don’t you remember? I asked you to marry me yesterday and you said yes.
Phoebe: But I was only trying to help you out with the kidnappers.
Joey: How do you know that’s why I asked you to marry me? I never said anything about the kidnappers.
Phoebe (knows she been trapped): I just assumed that was what was going on.
Joey: Nope. I was dead serious.
Joey: Oh, and since we’re getting married, will you move in with me?
SAKS FIFTH AVENUE (Monica and Rachel are still shopping. Ross and Chandler are messing around)
Rachel: Do you like these?
Monica: Those pants are huge.
Rachel: Remind me to tell you that when you have a watermelon living in your uterus.
Monica: Where did those guys disappear to?
Rachel: Does it really matter?
Monica: I guess not.
(cut to the perfume section)
Chandler: What is the deal with women and perfume anyway? I mean, the stuff smells like crap.
Ross: I like it when Rachel wears perfume. Sometimes she puts it on….you know, around her….
Chandler: Around her what?
Ross: Down there.
Ross: Yeah, she smells like a meadow.
Chandler (spraying himself with perfume): What da ya think of this?
Ross: Dude, you got some on me. Now I’m gonna smell like a girl.
Chandler: You are a girl.
(Ross picks up a perfume bottle and sprays Chandler)
Ross: Ha, now we’re even.
(Chandler sprays Ross)
Chandler: Now you’re even more of a lady.
(Chandler and Ross start an all out perfume war. After a minute, the sales clerk comes over)
Clerk: Knock it off! Those are expensive perfumes!
Chandler: He started it.
Ross (spraying Chandler again): You did!
Clerk: Ok, you’ve (Ross) got a $100 bottle of Chanel No.5 and you’ve (Chandler) got a $150 bottle of Obsession for Women. Here you go, you’ve each bought your perfume of choice.
Ross: I’m not paying for this!
Clerk: Yes you are sir.
Chandler: What, is this some store policy?
Clerk: What does this sign say?
Chandler: If I could read I tell you.
Clerk: Listen funny man, tell me what the sign says before I turn you into a eunuch.
Chandler: Perfume fights are not permitted. If caught, you bought the bottle you were using. No exceptions.
Clerk: How would you like to pay for these?
Ross: Credit card. Here you go.
Clerk: What about you funny man?
Chandler: Here’s my credit card.
(cut to Rachel and Monica)
Rachel: What is that smell?
Monica: Did you fart?
Rachel: No! It smells like someone went a little overboard with the perfume this morning.
PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Continued from earlier)
Phoebe: You want me to move in with you?
Joey: Well yeah. Since we’re getting married in three months I think you should move in now.
Phoebe: We’re, we’re, we’re getting married in three months?
Joey: That too soon for you?
Phoebe: Well what about all the arrangements and everything?
Joey: I’ll take care of everything.
Phoebe: What do you possibly know about putting a wedding together?
Joey: Don’t worry about it. Monica and Rachel said they would give me a hand.
Phoebe: They did? (under her breath) Those conniving bastards.
Phoebe: Nothing. I think that’s great.
Joey: So will you move in with me?
Phoebe: Do I have to?
Joey: Why wouldn’t you?
Phoebe: It just seems really sudden.
Joey: Sudden? It’s perfect timing. We‘re getting married!
Phoebe: Yeah, about that….can’t we wait a little longer than three months?
Joey: No. I like to work in threes.
Phoebe: Since when?
Joey: Since Hugsy was kidnapped. The kidnapper said she liked to work in threes.
Phoebe: The kidnapper was a girl?
Joey: Yup, and I have a feeling I know who it is.
Phoebe: Who was it?
Joey: Can’t tell you yet. I have to be sure. I don’t wanna freak her out.
Phoebe: She’s probably already quaking in her boots.
CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Monica, Ross and Chandler are present)
Rachel: I swear, we can’t take you two anywhere.
Ross: He started it.
Chandler: How do you figure?
Ross: You called me a girl!
Chandler: I was just telling the truth.
Ross: Whatever gay boy!
Monica: Look, you two have to leave. I can’t stand the smell of either of you. You two smell worse than my Aunt Edna on a good day.
Ross (to Rachel): Do you at least like the perfume?
Rachel: Yeah, it smells like a meadow.
Chandler: Maybe you’ll spray it in your lower regions to please Ross.
Rachel (to Ross): Is there anything that stays between us?
Ross: Let’s go Chandler. It’s getting hot in here.
(Ross and Chandler leave)
Monica: Those two should not be allowed to hang out together.
Rachel: We could chain them to the furniture so they can’t go anywhere when we’re not around.
Monica: That might work.
Phoebe: Ok, you two suck.
Rachel: Ah, it’s nice to see you too Phoebe. Ah, why do we suck?
Phoebe: You told Joey that you’d help plan our wedding! Which is in three months by the way.
Monica: Joey never asked us to do that Pheebs.
Phoebe: Oh my God! He knows! He knows I stole Hugsy!
Rachel: Why would you say that?
Phoebe: You two told him!
Monica: We didn’t say a word. We made a promise to you not to say anything.
Phoebe: Since when did you start keeping promises?
Rachel: Well we’ve kept this one so far. Why do you think he knows?
Phoebe: He said he wanted to get married in three months because the kidnapper said she liked to work in threes.
Monica: How’d he figure out that it was a woman?
Phoebe: I dunno. What am I gonna do?
Rachel: You could come clean with Joey.
Rachel: Or you could keep quiet and get married to him in three months.
Phoebe: Man, I always figured I’d marry Joey but I thought we’d both be forty when that happened.
Monica: What does being forty have anything to do with it?
Rachel: Joey’s Phoebe’s back-up. If they’re both not married at forty, they’re marrying each other.
Monica: Yeah if Phoebe marries Joey, I’ll have eight kids.
Phoebe: You better get busy Monica, I‘m gonna marry Joey in three months.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Ross and Chandler are present)
Ross: Thanks for letting me shower here and borrowing some clothes.
Chandler: You didn’t borrow any underwear did you?
Ross: God no! I put the one I was wearing back on.
Chandler: Good. I wouldn’t have been able to stand you going commando in my jeans.
Ross: Joey do that to you?
Chandler: More than once unfortunately.
Joey: Hey. Guess what?
Chandler: You’ve converted to Hinduism?
Joey: What? What the hell is that?
Chandler: What’s up Joe?
Joey: I know who kidnapped Hugsy.
Ross: Who did it?
Ross: How do you know?
Joey: When I told her that we’re still getting married and I wanted her to move in with me, she looked like a deer caught in headlights. She did it.
Chandler: Yeah, she did it.
Chandler: I mean that’s great Joe. You figured out who did it.
Joey (to Chandler): You knew that Phoebe did it?
Chandler: Ross knew too!
Ross: Whoa! Don’t drag me into this!
Joey: You both knew! This is the ultimate betrayal!
Ross: What are you talking about?!
Joey: You kept it hidden that you knew who the kidnapper was! You let me act like an idiot!
Chandler: Not that that’s not anything new for you Joe. You always act like an idiot.
Joey: I, I, I can’t stand to look at either of you!
Ross: But we got all the perfume smell off of us.
Chandler: He doesn’t need to know about that Ross. Go on being mad Joey.
Joey: Yeah, you guys owe me $500.
Chandler: What? How do you figure?
Joey: Consider it the cost of your betrayal!
Ross: We’re not giving you $500!
Joey: How about two pizzas?
Chandler: The Joey special it is.
Joey: Nice doing business with you. Now I have to go plan a wedding. (Joey turns to leave and then stops) And you’re not to say a word to Phoebe or I will kill you both!
Chandler: I think that went well.
Ross: Do we really still smell?
Chandler: I don’t know, come here and let me smell you. (Ross goes over to Chandler who starts smelling him as Rachel and Monica enter)
Rachel: Do you guys wanna be left alone?
PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (The gang is packing Phoebe’s stuff)
Rachel (emerging from Phoebe’s bedroom): Ok, I’ll never be the same again.
Ross: What’s the matter honey?
Rachel: Don’t go into Phoebe’s bedroom.
Ross: Why not?
Rachel: Go look for yourself.
(Ross goes into the bedroom)
Chandler: Are you gonna keep this place Pheebs?
Phoebe: Just in case we get a divorce. You know 80% of all marriages end in divorce.
Monica: It’s more like 50% Phoebe.
Phoebe: Yeah, why don’t we wait until you and Chandler get a divorce and then you can tell me what the percentage is.
Monica: Chandler and I aren’t going to get a divorce.
Phoebe: That’s what you think.
(Ross emerges from Phoebe’s bedroom)
Ross: You are a sick individual Phoebe. What in the hell do you use that swing for? Forget it, I don’t wanna know.
Joey: Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it Ross.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica, Chandler, Ross and Rachel are present)
Rachel: Do you guys really think Phoebe and Joey are gonna get married?
Ross: No way. They’re just messing with each others’ minds. Joey knows that Phoebe knows that he knows that Phoebe stole Hugsy. Yeah, they’re just messing with each others’ minds.
Chandler: And that’s saying something, except for the fact that Joey doesn’t have a mind to mess with.
Rachel: What do you think Mon?
Monica: I think they’ll get married.
Ross: You’ve got to be kidding.
Monica: No, I’m being serious. They’re perfect for each other. Joey’s dumb as a post and Phoebe’s the cement that keeps the post grounded.
Ross: They just better not have children. It’s bad enough that those two made it into the gene pool.
Chandler (to Ross): Funny, that’s what Phoebe said about you.
JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe are finishing unpacking Phoebe’s stuff)
Joey: Did you hang the swing?
Phoebe: I hung it in the guest bedroom. (pause) I’ve gotta ask. Why in the hell did you make me move in here instead you moving into my apartment?
Joey: What da ya mean?
Phoebe: This place sucks, mine is much nicer.
Joey: Yeah, but you don’t get free food from your neighbor.
Joey: Chandler and Monica always provide me with food. I haven’t been shopping in six years. Do you get that at your apartment? (Phoebe shakes her head no) I didn’t think so.
Phoebe: Well that’s it. What do you wanna do know?
Joey: Shall we retire to the swing?
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed)
Rachel: Can I ask you a question honey?
Ross: Sure, what is it?
Rachel: Do you love me?
Ross: Of course I love you, why would even think that I didn’t?
Rachel: Are you sure you’re not seeing another woman?
Ross: Rach, how could you even suggest that?
Rachel: I don’t know. You just really smell like a woman.
Ross: Very funny. (Ross gets up out of bed)
Rachel: Where are you going?
Ross: To shower for the fifth time today.