THE ONE WHERE JOEY AND RACHEL ARE LOST

 

 

Written by: eze93@yahoo.com

 

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Rachel is present)

 

Monica:Ross, whereís Rachel?

 

Ross:She got called into work.

 

Chandler:Isnít it Saturday?

 

Phoebe:Every day to you is Saturday.

 

Chandler:And whatís that supposed to mean?

 

Phoebe:Just that.You never work therefore every day is Saturday.

 

Chandler:I think you have me confused with Joey.

 

Joey:Hey!I work.(everyone looks at Joey) Ok, not really. But still cheap shot.

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)

 

Monica:Joey, explain to me why youíre not working at Days of Our Lives again.

 

Joey:Weíre on hiatus.

 

Chandler:Ah, Joe, arenít soap operas shot year round?

 

Joey:I thought that too but when the scripts stopped showing up at my apartment I figured we were on hiatus.

 

Ross:Wait a minute, you donít know for sure that youíre on hiatus.

 

Joey:Iím sure.

 

Monica:Joey?

 

Joey:Ok, Iím not.I think I better call Estelle.

 

Phoebe:He was fired.

 

Monica:How can you say that?

 

Phoebe:Just like I did.(talking slowly) HE WAS FIRED.

 

Ross:How do you know?

 

Phoebe:I took the call from Estelle.

 

Chandler:And you didnít share this with Joey?

 

Phoebe:I didnít want to hurt his feelings.

 

Monica:Phoebe! This is his career, not some stupid high school play.

 

Phoebe:Donít yell at me.Iím just the messenger here.

 

Ross:Yeah, one who didnít relay the message.

 

(Joey returns)

 

Joey:Ah, Phoebe can I talk to you for a minute.

 

Phoebe:Actually you canít, Iím late for a meeting at work.

 

Joey:You donít even have a job!

 

Phoebe:Alright, alright, stop badgering me.What?

 

Joey:Did you speak to Estelle?

 

Phoebe:I speak to Estelle all the time.

 

Joey:What?

 

Phoebe:Yeah, sheís my agent.

 

Joey:What?

 

Phoebe:Ok, ok sheís not my agent.Sheís my cigarette supplier.

 

Monica:You donít smoke.

 

Phoebe (to Monica):Ok, not helping.

 

Joey:Did you forget to give me a message?

 

Phoebe:Oh yeah.Your mom called.Ok, see you later.†† (Phoebe gets up to leave)

 

Joey:Phoebe!

 

Phoebe:Yeah?(pause)Oh right, yeah, you got fired from Days of Our Lives.See you later.

 

Joey:Phoebe, how could you not tell me!Youíre supposed to be my friend.

 

Phoebe:I am your friend Joey. I didnít want to hurt your feelings.

 

Joey:Out of all my friends, I trust you the most.Youíre my doobie smoking partner, my secret girlfriend, now youíre just, just, well I canít even say it.See you around.(Joey leaves)

 

Phoebe:I think heís mad at me.

 

Chandler:You think?

 

RALPH LAUREN (Rachel is working at her desk.Kim enters)

 

Kim:Ready for the meeting?

 

Rachel:Sure.Do you have any idea whatís it about?

 

Kim:No, I donít.

 

(Kim and Rachel enter the conference room)

 

Rachel:The whole department is here.

 

Kim:Ralph is probably going to tell us how proud he is of our spring line.

 

(short time lapse)

 

Ralph:So, due to shortfalls in earnings the last three quarters, the board and I have decided that cuts have to be made.And while I thank you for coming in on a Saturday, I hate to inform you of this, but everyone in this room is being let goÖ.

 

Rachel (to Kim):What did he just say?

 

Kim:I think we just got laid off.

 

Ralph:Each employee will get one monthís pay plus $5,000.I thank you for the work youíve done, but business is business.Good luck in your careers.

 

Rachel:Oh my God!I just lost my job!

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Ross, Chandler and Monica are present)

 

Ross:Have you guys seen Joey?

 

Monica:Ah, youíve been with us all day, does that answer your question?

 

Chandler:Maybe we should go check all the sandwich shops in the Village.

 

Ross:Or the pizzerias.

 

Chandler:No, he only orders from Meloís and they deliver.

 

Ross:Man, whereís Rachel, she should be here by now.

 

Monica:Maybe she just had to get a project done or something.

 

Ross:Itís five oíclock, she said sheíd be finished by noon.Iím gonna call her.(Ross picks up the phone)

 

Chandler:Whereís Phoebe?

 

Monica:She called earlier.Sheís out looking for Joey.She feels really bad.††

 

Chandler:She should, what she did was really wrong.It was like me asking if you boobs were real or not.

 

Monica:I thought we agreed we werenít gonna talk about that anymore!

 

Chandler:I think Iíll be quiet for the rest of the evening.

 

Ross:Well sheís not at the office and sheís not home.Where in the hell is she?

 

Chandler:Maybe she went to her secret boyfriendís.(Ross glares at Chandler)Ok, maybe not the best time for that joke.

 

Monica:Is that being quiet?

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey is talking to Gunther)

 

Gunther:Let me get this straight, they fired you again?

 

Joey:Yeah, something about me not being able to pull off being a woman.

 

Gunther:But they didnít drop you down an elevator shaft this time?

 

Joey:No.What does that have to do with anything?

 

Gunther:So thereís still a chance that you could get your job back.

 

Joey:Huh?

 

Gunther:How long have you been on ďhiatusĒ?

 

Joey:Just this week.

 

Gunther:And how often are you on?

 

Joey:On what?Drugs?

 

Gunther:No.How many days a week are you on the show?

 

Joey:Usually twice a week, sometimes three.

 

Gunther:So youíve only been missing for two shows, three at the most.

 

Joey:Whatís your point Gunther?

 

Gunther:Go get your job back.Prove to them that youíre a good woman.

 

Joey:I can do that!I can be a good woman!(realizes everyone in Central Perk is looking at him)Thatís right, I can be a damn good woman!

 

SOMEWHERE ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY (Rachel is walking aimlessly. A cop approaches her)

 

Cop:Miss?(pause) Miss?

 

Rachel:Yeah.

 

Cop:Are you ok?

 

Rachel:No.

 

Cop:Did someone hurt you?

 

Rachel:Yes.

 

Cop:Who?

 

Rachel:Ralph Lauren.

 

Cop:The designer?

 

Rachel:Yeah.

 

Cop:What did he do to you?

 

Rachel:He fired me.

 

Cop:Whatís your name?

 

Rachel:Rachel Green.

 

Cop:Itís getting late.Do you live in this neighborhood?

 

Rachel:Huh?

 

Cop:Do you live around here?

 

Rachel (starting to cry):I donít know!Where am I?!

 

Cop:Rachel, come with me, Iíll get you home.

 

Rachel:Will you get me a job?

 

Cop:Letís get you home first, then weíll see about the job.

 

Rachel:If I become a cop, can I shoot Ralph Lauren?

 

Cop:No, I donít think so.

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Ross are present)

 

Ross:Where is she?I have called everybody sheís knows and nobody has seen her.

 

Chandler:Did you call Mark?

 

Ross:I am not calling Mark.

 

Chandler:Iím only trying to help.

 

Ross:Then stop trying.

 

Chandler:Look Ross, you won.Rachelís marrying you, not Mark.Call Mark.

 

Ross:Ok. Youíre right.(Ross picks up the phone again and starts to dial.Rachel enters with the Cop)

 

Cop:Are you Ross Geller?

 

Ross:Yes.Rachel!Where in the hell have you been?I have been trying to find you all day!

 

Cop:I found her walking aimlessly on 52nd Street.She said lost her job today.Sheís really upset.Do you have things from here?

 

Ross:Yeah.Thanks for bringing her home.

 

(The Cop leaves)

 

Rachel (sobbing):Iím so sorry Ross.Iím so sorry I lost my job.

 

Ross:Itís ok sweetie, as long as your safe, I donít care about anything else.Do you wanna tell me what happened?

 

Rachel (crying uncontrollably):Ralph, Ralph let me go!

 

Chandler:Should I call Monica?

 

Ross:Thatís ok.Weíll be over later.

 

Chandler:See ya man.Donít worry about it Rach, everything will work out fine.

 

(Chandler leaves)

 

Ross:Come here honey, itís gonna be ok.(Ross takes Rachel in his arms as she continues to cry)

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are present)

 

Monica:She got laid off?

 

Chandler:Yeah and sheís not taking it well at all.

 

Monica:Should I go over there?

 

Chandler:No, Ross said that heíd handle it.

 

Monica:But her best friend should be there.

 

Chandler:Mon, her best friend is already there.

 

Phoebe:Joey still hasnít shown up?

 

Chandler:No.

 

Phoebe:I donít want Joey to be mad at me, I mean heís my secret boyfriend.Heís my back up.

 

Monica:Why didnít you just tell him that he was fired?

 

Phoebe:Donít you remember how depressed he was when they dropped his character down the elevator shaft?I didnít want him to feel that pain again.

 

Chandler:And heís not depressed and hurt now?

 

Phoebe:Ok, ok.I made a mistake.

 

(Joey enters)

 

Phoebe:Joey!

 

Joey:Iím not done not talking to you Phoebe.Hey Chandler, Monica.

 

Monica:Joey where have you been?Everyoneís been looking for you.

 

Joey:I was down at the producersí office getting my job back.

 

Chandler:You got your job back?

 

Joey:No.

 

Phoebe:But you just said you were at the producersí office.

 

Joey:Did you guys hear something?

 

Chandler:Hear what?

 

Joey:A woman talking. (cut to Phoebe whoís not pleased)Oh well itís not there anymore.Anyway, I went and talked to one of the producers and she told me there was nothing that she could do.

 

Monica:Then why are you so happy?

 

Joey:Well she did say that she was leaving Days of Our Lives for General Hospital.

 

Chandler:And?

 

Joey:And that she likes my work and will get me a job on General Hospital as a Neurosurgeon.

 

Monica:Thatís great Joey!Iím so happy for you.

 

Chandler:And the fake Neurosurgeon is back!Medicine will never be the same again!

 

Phoebe:So youíre not mad at me anymore?

 

Joey:No, Iím still mad.

 

Phoebe:Oh.

 

Chandler:So Joe, what made you go down to the producersí office?

 

Joey:Gunther did.

 

Chandler:Gunther?

 

Joey:Yeah, he told me to be the best woman I can be.

 

Chandler:What strange advice.

 

Joey:No, he told me to go fight for my old job.

 

Monica:Good.You had me worried for a minute that you were gonna be stealing my clothes.I already have to worry about that when Chandlerís Dad comes to visit.

 

Chandler (to Monica):And I thought we werenít talking about that anymore!

 

Joey:Well Iím gonna go shower.

 

Monica:Joey wait, before you leave, Rachel lost her job today so if you see her, donít say anything to upset her.

 

Joey:Rach lost her job?

 

Chandler:She got laid off.Budget cuts.

 

Joey:Alright.I need a shower.Bye.

 

(Joey leaves)

 

Phoebe:Joeyís not talking to me.

 

Chandler:Yes, that was very apparent.

 

Phoebe:What did you do to get Joey to talk to you again after you kissed Kathy?

 

Monica:He was in a box for six hours.

 

Phoebe:Great, that gives me an idea.Iíll see you guys later.(Phoebe leaves)

 

Monica:I donít wanna even know what sheís going to do.

 

Chandler:If she were smart, sheíd hop in the shower with Joey naked.

 

JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joeyís in the shower.Phoebe enters the bathroom)

 

Phoebe:Joey?

 

Joey:Phoebe Iím in the shower!Get out of here!

 

Phoebe:But I need to tell you something.

 

Joey:What is it?

 

Phoebe:Iím sorry and I wanna make it up to you.

 

Joey:Fine.

 

Phoebe:Can I join you?

 

Joey:What?

 

Phoebe:Can I get in the shower with you?

 

Joey:No, you canít!

 

Phoebe:Well isnít that what youíve always wanted.

 

Joey:Well yeah, but Iím in a monogamous relationship with your roommate.

 

Phoebe:But Courteney wonít mind, we shower together all the time.

 

Joey:What?

 

Phoebe:Ok, we donít but I bet that you can picture that in your mind.

 

Joey:Almost.

 

Phoebe:What do you mean almost?

 

Joey:Iíve never seen you naked.

 

Phoebe:Well peel back the shower curtain.

 

(Joey peels back the curtain and sees Phoebe fully clothed.)

 

Joey: Phoebe!Put your clothes back on!

 

Phoebe:I have my clothes on.

 

Joey:Not in my head.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)

 

Joey:Pheebs, pass me the chips.

 

Chandler:I see your talking to Phoebe again.

 

Joey:Well if you saw Phoebe naked youíd talk to her too.

 

Monica:Phoebe!

 

Phoebe:Relax, he only got a peek.(to Chandler) Itís better than sitting in a box for six hours.

 

Chandler:Trust me, it was better than getting naked for Joey.

 

Joey:Amen to that.

 

(Ross and Rachel enter)

 

Ross:Hey.

 

Monica:Rachel, we heard what happened, are you ok?

 

Rachel:Iíve been better.

 

Joey:Man, Rach I havenít seen you this bad since the whole ďwe were on a break thingĒ.

 

Ross:Joey!

 

Joey:Sorry, just trying to help.

 

Rachel:Itís gonna be ok.There are plenty of jobs around, Iíll fine another one.

 

Chandler:Thatís a great attitude to have.You are going to find another job, a better job.

 

Phoebe:I bet Gunther would give you your old job back at Central Perk. (Rachel starts crying)Ok, maybe this isnít the best time to bring that up.

 

Ross:Rach, itís gonna be ok.Itís like I told you, things happen for a reason.

 

Joey:Yeah Rach, look at me, I got fired from Days of Our Lives again, and now Iím gonna be on General Hospital.†† Youíll bounce back, you always do.

 

Rachel:You got fired again?

 

Joey:Yeah.Iím always getting fired and I always bounce right back.Youíll be fine.

 

Rachel:Thanks Joey.

 

Chandler:Ok, whoís up for strip poker?

 

Monica:Chandler!

 

Chandler:Thereís never a right time to ask if we can play that game.

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT

 

Ross:Are you doing ok honey?

 

Rachel:Yeah, Iíll be alright.You know you always hear about people you know losing their jobs, I guess I never figured Iíd be one of them.

 

Ross:Youíre gonna be fine.You know why?

 

Rachel:No.

 

Ross:Because youíre with me, and people with me always, always bounce back stronger than ever.

 

Rachel:Thatís just because youíre such a pain in the ass.

 

Ross:Ok, look at that, youíre bouncing back already you smart ass.

 

Rachel:I love you.

 

Ross:I love you too.

 

THE END