THE ONE WITH KIERSTIN
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Joey are present)
Chandler: So are you still sleeping with Phoebe?
Joey: Not really.
Chandler: That was a yes or no question you moron.
Joey: Then no, Iím not still sleeping with Phoebe.
Chandler: What did you mean by ďnot reallyĒ then?
Joey: Well when she comes over we really donít get much sleeping done.
Chandler: So youíre still having sex with Phoebe.
Chandler: What are you gonna do when Phoebe finally meets someone she wants to settle down with and doesnít want to sleep with you anymore?
Joey: Iíll go back to sleeping with Monica.
Chandler: Sounds like a plan. (pause) Hey, wait a minute!
CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Rachel are present)
Monica: Man, are you getting fat.
Rachel: Thatís a very nice thing to say! What the hell did I do to you!
Monica: No, no, youíre really starting to show. I think itís exciting.
Rachel: I know, isnít it.
Monica: So have you come up with any names for the baby yet?
Rachel: Yup, itís already been decided. Weíre naming her Caitlin.
Monica: Huh. Thatís odd.
Rachel: What? You donít like the name Caitlin?
Monica: No, I really do. Itís just that Ross told me you guys were naming the baby Kierstin.
Rachel: Weíre not naming the baby Kierstin. Weíre naming the baby Caitlin.
Monica: You better tell that to Ross ícause heís telling everyone the babyís name is Kierstin.
(Phoebe enters with a man)
Phoebe: Hey guys! What ya doing?
Monica: Just naming Rachelís baby.
Rachel: WeĎre naming the baby Caitlin!
Phoebe: You better tell Ross that. He told me you guys were naming the baby Kierstin.
Monica (to the man with Phoebe): Hi, Iím Phoebeís friend Monica.
Man: Hi, Iím Colin.
Rachel: Hi, Iím Rachel.
Phoebe: Oh, IĎm so sorry guys, this is my boyfriend Colin.
Rachel: Nice to meet you.
Colin: Do you want some coffee Pheebs?
Colin: What do you want?
Phoebe: Surprise me. Now go away, we have to talk about you.
(Colin goes to get coffee)
Monica: Heís really cute.
Rachel: Yeah, weíre did you meet him?
Phoebe: Yoga class. HeĎs the only guy there so the odds were pretty much in my favor.
Phoebe: I saw him and said to myself, yeah, Iím gonna marry him in one year.
Rachel: Marry him?
Phoebe: Yeah, weíre getting married in one year. Heís actually my fiancé.
Monica: Ah, didnít you just meet him?
Phoebe: Yeah, so?
Monica: Well isnít it a little quick to be engaged already?
Phoebe: Not when itís true love.
Rachel: Have you guys done the deed yet?
Phoebe: Yeah, we both went to the bathroom before we came here.
Rachel: No Pheebs, have you had sex yet?
Phoebe: Oh, no we havenít. But thatís not important. The important thing is that Iíve finally met my soul mate.
Monica: How do you know heís your soul mate?
Phoebe: Do you guys know me at all? Iím intuitive. Heís my soul mate.
Rachel: I thought Joey was your soul mate?
Phoebe: No, heís my sex mate. Itís totally different with Colin.
Colin: Here you go. I got you a latte.
Phoebe: Thatís great honey, but I wanted an Iced Tea. Now go get me one Ďcause weíre not done talking about you yet. (to Rachel and Monica) Heíll learn.
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross is teaching a class. Half the class is awake but not really paying attention, the other half is asleep)
Ross: So you see, the erosion process revealed hundreds of layers of different sands, leading scientists to believe that this site was once a giant lake after the Ice Age. (Ross sees an attractive student raising her hand) Yes Kierstin?
Kierstin: Ah, what led to the demise of the lake then? (the bell rings)
Ross: Weíll pick up with your question on Monday Kierstin. (to class) Ah, if you could wake the student next to you, that would be great. Oh, and weíre having a quiz on Monday so please study, especially you Morris, this is the third time youíve taken this class.
(The class funnels out. Ross begins to gather his things)
Kierstin: Dr. Geller?
Kierstin: I was wondering if I could come by during your office hours today. Iíve some more questions about your lecture and I really want to do well on the quiz.
Ross: Sure, Iíll be there between 2 and 4 pm. Feel free to stop by then.
Kierstin: Great, Iíll see you later.
JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are present)
Chandler: Man, I am so bored. I shouldíve gone to work today.
Joey: You know what you need?
Chandler: Please donít say a barium enema.
Joey: You need the ultimate gaming experience.
Chandler: This better not include bending over either.
Joey: Itís time to play Madden 2002 on my brand new X-Box.
Chandler: Oh, can I be the Detroit Lions?
Joey: Sure, Iíll take the Giants.
Chandler: Wait a minute, the Lions suck. Iíll be the Carolina Panthers.
Joey: It really doesnít matter who you are Chandler, Iím gonna kick your ass all over the field.
Chandler: Ok, no more using the word ass when Iím in the room.
Joey: Still upset about that thing Monica did?
Chandler: I told you about that?
Joey: Dude, you told everyone about that.
Chandler: Wait a minute, I only told you about that!
Joey: Oops, it must have been me that told everyone. Sorry about that.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are present. Colin has left)
Monica: I still donít see how you know youíre gonna marry Colin in one year Pheebs.
Rachel: Yeah Phoebe, you just met the guy.
Phoebe: Itís pretty simple. I went up to him, said I wanted to go out with him, he said yes, then I told him we were gonna get married in a year.
Rachel: And he was ok with that?
Phoebe: Yeah, he said it sounded great to him.
Monica: Oh my God, Colin is the anti-man.
Phoebe: No, youíre confusing him with Chandler Monica. So why arenĎt you naming the baby Kierstin Rachel?
Rachel: We were never naming the baby Kierstin!
Phoebe: But Ross saidÖ.
Rachel: Forget Ross. Itís my child and weíre naming her Caitlin.
Monica: Then why in the heck is Ross telling everyone that youíre naming the baby Kierstin?
Rachel: Thereís only one way to find out. Weíre going to NYU.
Rachel: Now. Are you coming Phoebe?
Phoebe: No, Iím gonna meet up with Colin and introduce him to Joey and Chandler.
Rachel: Letís go Monica.
Monica: You didnít even ask if I wanted to go!
Rachel: Did I have to?
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross is in his office and playing with his dinosaurs)
Ross: You better run Mr. Dinothere or Mr. T Rex is going to eat you! (Kierstin enters) Run Mr. Dinothere, run!
Kierstin: Ahem, is this a bad time?
Ross (fumbling with his toys): No, I was just preparing a lecture.
Kierstin: For who?
Ross: My 8 year-old son. What can I do for you Kierstin?
Kierstin (shutting the office door): I was hoping you could go over todayís lecture with me.
Ross: Sure, what part do you need to know more about?
Kierstin (unbuttoning the top button on her blouse): Oh, the part about the bone that the scientist found.
Ross: Ah, we didnít talk about dinosaur bones in class today.
Kierstin: I know. I meant the hard bone in your pants.
Ross: Excuse me?
Kierstin: I want you to teach me about the language of dinosaur love. I want to feel youíre body pressed against mine. I want to feel your hard bone inside me.
Ross: What are you doing! Iím your teacher!
Kierstin: I know. I want you to teach me everything you know about love. Come on Dr. Geller, Iíve seen you staring at me in class. I know you want me.
Ross: Hold on there missy! Iím a married man. See my wedding ring!
Kierstin: So, thatĎs just a piece of jewelry. I know deep down you want to be with a 19 year-old again.
Ross: Look at that. Office hours are over. I have to go. (makes a move towards the door only to be blocked by Kierstin)
Kierstin: Going somewhere Dr. Geller?
Ross: Iím going home to my wife and our unborn child!
Kierstin: But you havenít taught me my lesson yet.
Ross: Look, this has gone far enough! If you donít leave this instance, Iím reporting you to the Dean of Student Affairs. Youíre education here at NYU will be over.
Kierstin: Fine, have it your way. (Kierstin goes to leave) Oh, are you sure youíre not gay? I mean who in their right mind turns down sex with a woman half his age?
Ross: Get out! (Kierstin leaves) I canít believe that just happened, and IĎm not twice her age, IĎm 33. (Rachel and Monica enter, Monica knocks over RossĎs trash can) Kierstin, I said get out!
Rachel: Hi to you too honey, and who the hell is Kierstin?!
JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are playing Madden 2002 on the X-Box)
Chandler: He drops back to pass, his receiver is more open than Joeyís mother and he passesÖ..
Joey: And Joey is there to intercept the pass, he fakes to the left and back to the right, look out, heís gone. Touchdown! Ha, 41-3. You really suck at this.
Chandler: Youíre cheating!
Joey: No Iím not! You just suck! Iím kicking your ass all over this field!
Chandler: You did it again. Thatís it I quit!
Joey: Iím sorry man. But come on, itís really no big deal. It happens to every guy.
Chandler: Really? When was the last time someone stuck something up there on you?
Joey: Phoebe did it to me the other night.
Chandler: Itís just wrong! ThatĎs for gay people only!
Joey: Do you do it to Monica?
Joey: So youĎve never had that kind of sex with her?
Chandler: We are not talking about this.
(Phoebe and Colin enter)
Phoebe: Hey guys! Whatcha doing?
Joey: Chandlerís upset because Monica stuck her finger in his ass when they were getting it on.
Phoebe: Oh, I love when that happens. (pause) Hey, I want you guys to meet Colin. Colin, this is Joey and Chandler.
Phoebe: Yeah, Colin and I are engaged.
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross, Rachel and Monica are present)
Ross: Well what?
Rachel: Who is Kierstin?
Ross: Sheís a student of mine, why?
Rachel: Why are you telling everyone that weíre naming our baby Kierstin?
Ross: I never said that!
Monica: Just yesterday you told me that!
Ross: Ok, who said you could come down here to my office?
Monica: Your wife did.
Kierstin: Dr. Geller, did I leave my bra here?
Rachel: Who the hell are you?
Kierstin: Oh Iím sorry, Iím Kierstin. Who the hell are you?
Rachel: Iím Dr. Gellerís wife!
Kierstin: Oh yeah? Well Iím Dr. Gellerís sex toy.
Ross: That does it Kierstin, Iím reporting you to the Dean of Student Affairs!
Kierstin: Oh, look at that, my bra is still on. Ladies. (Kierstin leaves)
Monica: Maybe I should go?
Rachel: Donít bother, Iím leaving with you.
(Rachel and Monica turn to go)
Ross: Wait Rach, itís not what you think.
Rachel: Oh? What is it that I think?
Ross: Iím not having an affair with Kierstin. She tried to seduce me and I said no. Sheís just mad at me.
Rachel: Well thatíll be a good story to tell my lawyer. Letís go Monica.
(Rachel and Monica leave)
Ross: God I hate this job.
JOEYíS APARTMENT (Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and Colin are present)
Phoebe (to Chandler): So you really donít like it when Monica sticks her finger up your butt?
Chandler: Iím gonna kill you Joey.
Joey: Hold on a minute there Phoebe. What do you mean youíre getting married?
Phoebe: Yeah, Colin and I are getting married in year.
Joey: Howís that possible? You just had sex with me two days ago.
Colin: You had sex with him?
Phoebe: Yeah, heís my sex mate. But donĎt worry honey, youíre my soul mate so the sex will be even better between you and I.
Colin: Ok. Just checking.
Joey: This doesnít meanÖ.
Phoebe: Yup, Iím cutting you off.
Joey: But you canít do that. We have an open relationship.
Phoebe: Consider it closed. (pause) Now Chandler, whatís the problem with Monica sticking her finger up your butt during whoopee?
Chandler: Iím not having this discussion with you Pheebs. Iím taking my ass and going home.
Phoebe: Do you like that Colin?
Joey: Damn it!
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Monica and Rachel are present)
Rachel: Where is he?
Monica: Maybe he went to Kierstinís dorm?
Rachel: Thatís not even funny.
Monica: Sorry. Look, Iíve got to get home. Chandler doesnít do well when heís left alone for a long period of time.
Rachel: He really is like a two-year old isnít he?
Monica: Pretty much. Are you gonna be ok?
Rachel: Iíll call you if I need a place to stay.
Monica: Ok. See ya.
Rachel: Bye Mon. Thanks for everything.
Monica: Everythingís gonna be ok.
Rachel: I hope so.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler is watching TV as Monica enters)
Monica: Hi honey.
Monica: Are you still mad at me?
Monica: So youíre ok with the fact that I mistakenly let my finger stray?
Chandler: I was ok with that. I wasnít ok with the fact that you told me that Richard liked it.
Monica: Well he did.
Monica: Ok, ok. Iím sorry. It wonĎt happen again.
Chandler: I didnít say that you couldnít do it again.
Monica: You liked it! Chandler liked it!
Chandler (laughing): It was different. Would you like it?
Monica: You betcha.
Chandler: Let me guess, Richard did it to you all the time.
Monica: No, Joey did.
Monica: Kidding. I was kidding.
ROSS & RACHELĎS APARTMENT (Itís 11pm at night. Ross still isnít home. Rachelís on the phone)
Rachel: He isnít home yet Mon. (pause) Nah, itís ok. You donít have to come over. (pause) Ok. Iíll call you later. (Ross enters)
Ross: Hey Rach.
Rachel: Donít hey Rach me, where in the hell have you been?!
Ross: IĎve been meeting with the Dean of Student Affairs.
Rachel: About what?
Ross: About what? What do you think?
Rachel: About Kierstin?
Ross: Of course. You think Iíd honestly have an affair with a student?
Rachel: At first, yes. But then I realized that youíd never do that to me.
Ross: Of course I wouldnít.
Rachel: So whatís gonna happen to Kierstin?
Ross: SheĎs been removed from my class and placed on probation.
Rachel: Guess sheíll have to try to get her ďAĒ some other way.
Ross: Thatís what I donít get. She was the top student in my class. She actually paid attention.
Rachel: Wow, thatís saying a lot. (Ross just looks at Rachel) I mean, someone who actually cares about academics. Whyíd she throw it all down the toilet?
Ross: Apparently she was just infatuated with me.
Rachel: Man, she really is sick.
Ross: What? Whatís the matter with me?
Rachel: Only one person is allowed to be infatuated with you and thatís me.
Ross: Thatís better. Iím sorry about this whole thing.
Rachel: Itís ok. (pause) You just have one more explanation to make.
Ross: Whatís that?
Rachel: Why are you telling everyone that weíre naming the baby Kierstin?
Ross: I just really liked the name.
Ross: No and. I just liked the name.
Ross: And I thought she was smart and cute. But thatís not against the rules. I didnĎt touch.
Rachel: Lucky for you.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Monica: So whereís Colin Pheebs?
Ross: Whoís Colin?
Rachel: Phoebeís fiance.
Ross: Her what?
Joey: Her new sex partner.
Chandler: I think thatís implied Joe.
Phoebe: Are you guys done?
Phoebe: Colin and I broke up.
Monica: No! Why?!
Phoebe: He likes John Denver.
Chandler: I love John Denver.
Rachel: John Denver?
Phoebe: Uh huh, thatís why we broke up. Only the anti-man likes John Denver.
Joey: I guess you arenít much of a man there Chandler.
Chandler: Being a man is overrated.
Monica: Spoken like the true anti-man that you are honey.