THE ONE WITH KIERSTIN

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Joey are present)

Chandler: So are you still sleeping with Phoebe?

Joey: Not really.

Chandler: That was a yes or no question you moron.

Joey: Then no, Iím not still sleeping with Phoebe.

Chandler: What did you mean by ďnot reallyĒ then?

Joey: Well when she comes over we really donít get much sleeping done.

Chandler: So youíre still having sex with Phoebe.

Joey: Yes.

Chandler: What are you gonna do when Phoebe finally meets someone she wants to settle down with and doesnít want to sleep with you anymore?

Joey: Iíll go back to sleeping with Monica.

Chandler: Sounds like a plan. (pause) Hey, wait a minute!

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Rachel are present)

Monica: Man, are you getting fat.

Rachel: Thatís a very nice thing to say! What the hell did I do to you!

Monica: No, no, youíre really starting to show. I think itís exciting.

Rachel: I know, isnít it.

Monica: So have you come up with any names for the baby yet?

Rachel: Yup, itís already been decided. Weíre naming her Caitlin.

Monica: Huh. Thatís odd.

Rachel: What? You donít like the name Caitlin?

Monica: No, I really do. Itís just that Ross told me you guys were naming the baby Kierstin.

Rachel: Weíre not naming the baby Kierstin. Weíre naming the baby Caitlin.

Monica: You better tell that to Ross ícause heís telling everyone the babyís name is Kierstin.

(Phoebe enters with a man)

Phoebe: Hey guys! What ya doing?

Monica: Just naming Rachelís baby.

Rachel: WeĎre naming the baby Caitlin!

Phoebe: You better tell Ross that. He told me you guys were naming the baby Kierstin.

Monica (to the man with Phoebe): Hi, Iím Phoebeís friend Monica.

Man: Hi, Iím Colin.

Rachel: Hi, Iím Rachel.

Phoebe: Oh, IĎm so sorry guys, this is my boyfriend Colin.

Rachel: Nice to meet you.

Colin: Do you want some coffee Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Colin: What do you want?

Phoebe: Surprise me. Now go away, we have to talk about you.

(Colin goes to get coffee)

Monica: Heís really cute.

Rachel: Yeah, weíre did you meet him?

Phoebe: Yoga class. HeĎs the only guy there so the odds were pretty much in my favor.

Rachel: Huh?

Phoebe: I saw him and said to myself, yeah, Iím gonna marry him in one year.

Rachel: Marry him?

Phoebe: Yeah, weíre getting married in one year. Heís actually my fiancé.

Monica: Ah, didnít you just meet him?

Phoebe: Yeah, so?

Monica: Well isnít it a little quick to be engaged already?

Phoebe: Not when itís true love.

Rachel: Have you guys done the deed yet?

Phoebe: Yeah, we both went to the bathroom before we came here.

Rachel: No Pheebs, have you had sex yet?

Phoebe: Oh, no we havenít. But thatís not important. The important thing is that Iíve finally met my soul mate.

Monica: How do you know heís your soul mate?

Phoebe: Do you guys know me at all? Iím intuitive. Heís my soul mate.

Rachel: I thought Joey was your soul mate?

Phoebe: No, heís my sex mate. Itís totally different with Colin.

(Colin returns)

Colin: Here you go. I got you a latte.

Phoebe: Thatís great honey, but I wanted an Iced Tea. Now go get me one Ďcause weíre not done talking about you yet. (to Rachel and Monica) Heíll learn.

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross is teaching a class. Half the class is awake but not really paying attention, the other half is asleep)

Ross: So you see, the erosion process revealed hundreds of layers of different sands, leading scientists to believe that this site was once a giant lake after the Ice Age. (Ross sees an attractive student raising her hand) Yes Kierstin?

Kierstin: Ah, what led to the demise of the lake then? (the bell rings)

Ross: Weíll pick up with your question on Monday Kierstin. (to class) Ah, if you could wake the student next to you, that would be great. Oh, and weíre having a quiz on Monday so please study, especially you Morris, this is the third time youíve taken this class.

(The class funnels out. Ross begins to gather his things)

Kierstin: Dr. Geller?

Ross: Yes?

Kierstin: I was wondering if I could come by during your office hours today. Iíve some more questions about your lecture and I really want to do well on the quiz.

Ross: Sure, Iíll be there between 2 and 4 pm. Feel free to stop by then.

Kierstin: Great, Iíll see you later.

JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are present)

Chandler: Man, I am so bored. I shouldíve gone to work today.

Joey: You know what you need?

Chandler: Please donít say a barium enema.

Joey: You need the ultimate gaming experience.

Chandler: This better not include bending over either.

Joey: Itís time to play Madden 2002 on my brand new X-Box.

Chandler: Oh, can I be the Detroit Lions?

Joey: Sure, Iíll take the Giants.

Chandler: Wait a minute, the Lions suck. Iíll be the Carolina Panthers.

Joey: It really doesnít matter who you are Chandler, Iím gonna kick your ass all over the field.

Chandler: Ok, no more using the word ass when Iím in the room.

Joey: Still upset about that thing Monica did?

Chandler: I told you about that?

Joey: Dude, you told everyone about that.

Chandler: Wait a minute, I only told you about that!

Joey: Oops, it must have been me that told everyone. Sorry about that.

CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are present. Colin has left)

Monica: I still donít see how you know youíre gonna marry Colin in one year Pheebs.

Rachel: Yeah Phoebe, you just met the guy.

Phoebe: Itís pretty simple. I went up to him, said I wanted to go out with him, he said yes, then I told him we were gonna get married in a year.

Rachel: And he was ok with that?

Phoebe: Yeah, he said it sounded great to him.

Monica: Oh my God, Colin is the anti-man.

Phoebe: No, youíre confusing him with Chandler Monica. So why arenĎt you naming the baby Kierstin Rachel?

Rachel: We were never naming the baby Kierstin!

Phoebe: But Ross saidÖ.

Rachel: Forget Ross. Itís my child and weíre naming her Caitlin.

Monica: Then why in the heck is Ross telling everyone that youíre naming the baby Kierstin?

Rachel: Thereís only one way to find out. Weíre going to NYU.

Monica: Now?

Rachel: Now. Are you coming Phoebe?

Phoebe: No, Iím gonna meet up with Colin and introduce him to Joey and Chandler.

Rachel: Letís go Monica.

Monica: You didnít even ask if I wanted to go!

Rachel: Did I have to?

Monica: No.

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross is in his office and playing with his dinosaurs)

Ross: You better run Mr. Dinothere or Mr. T Rex is going to eat you! (Kierstin enters) Run Mr. Dinothere, run!

Kierstin: Ahem, is this a bad time?

Ross (fumbling with his toys): No, I was just preparing a lecture.

Kierstin: For who?

Ross: My 8 year-old son. What can I do for you Kierstin?

Kierstin (shutting the office door): I was hoping you could go over todayís lecture with me.

Ross: Sure, what part do you need to know more about?

Kierstin (unbuttoning the top button on her blouse): Oh, the part about the bone that the scientist found.

Ross: Ah, we didnít talk about dinosaur bones in class today.

Kierstin: I know. I meant the hard bone in your pants.

Ross: Excuse me?

Kierstin: I want you to teach me about the language of dinosaur love. I want to feel youíre body pressed against mine. I want to feel your hard bone inside me.

Ross: What are you doing! Iím your teacher!

Kierstin: I know. I want you to teach me everything you know about love. Come on Dr. Geller, Iíve seen you staring at me in class. I know you want me.

Ross: Hold on there missy! Iím a married man. See my wedding ring!

Kierstin: So, thatĎs just a piece of jewelry. I know deep down you want to be with a 19 year-old again.

Ross: Look at that. Office hours are over. I have to go. (makes a move towards the door only to be blocked by Kierstin)

Kierstin: Going somewhere Dr. Geller?

Ross: Iím going home to my wife and our unborn child!

Kierstin: But you havenít taught me my lesson yet.

Ross: Look, this has gone far enough! If you donít leave this instance, Iím reporting you to the Dean of Student Affairs. Youíre education here at NYU will be over.

Kierstin: Fine, have it your way. (Kierstin goes to leave) Oh, are you sure youíre not gay? I mean who in their right mind turns down sex with a woman half his age?

Ross: Get out! (Kierstin leaves) I canít believe that just happened, and IĎm not twice her age, IĎm 33. (Rachel and Monica enter, Monica knocks over RossĎs trash can) Kierstin, I said get out!

Rachel: Hi to you too honey, and who the hell is Kierstin?!

JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are playing Madden 2002 on the X-Box)

Chandler: He drops back to pass, his receiver is more open than Joeyís mother and he passesÖ..

Joey: And Joey is there to intercept the pass, he fakes to the left and back to the right, look out, heís gone. Touchdown! Ha, 41-3. You really suck at this.

Chandler: Youíre cheating!

Joey: No Iím not! You just suck! Iím kicking your ass all over this field!

Chandler: You did it again. Thatís it I quit!

Joey: Iím sorry man. But come on, itís really no big deal. It happens to every guy.

Chandler: Really? When was the last time someone stuck something up there on you?

Joey: Phoebe did it to me the other night.

Chandler: Itís just wrong! ThatĎs for gay people only!

Joey: Do you do it to Monica?

Chandler: No!

Joey: So youĎve never had that kind of sex with her?

Chandler: We are not talking about this.

(Phoebe and Colin enter)

Phoebe: Hey guys! Whatcha doing?

Joey: Chandlerís upset because Monica stuck her finger in his ass when they were getting it on.

Chandler: Joey!

Phoebe: Oh, I love when that happens. (pause) Hey, I want you guys to meet Colin. Colin, this is Joey and Chandler.

Colin: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hi.

Phoebe: Yeah, Colin and I are engaged.

Joey: What?!

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross, Rachel and Monica are present)

Rachel: Well?

Ross: Well what?

Rachel: Who is Kierstin?

Ross: Sheís a student of mine, why?

Rachel: Why are you telling everyone that weíre naming our baby Kierstin?

Ross: I never said that!

Monica: Just yesterday you told me that!

Ross: Ok, who said you could come down here to my office?

Monica: Your wife did.

(Kierstin re-enters)

Kierstin: Dr. Geller, did I leave my bra here?

Rachel: Who the hell are you?

Kierstin: Oh Iím sorry, Iím Kierstin. Who the hell are you?

Rachel: Iím Dr. Gellerís wife!

Kierstin: Oh yeah? Well Iím Dr. Gellerís sex toy.

Ross: That does it Kierstin, Iím reporting you to the Dean of Student Affairs!

Kierstin: Oh, look at that, my bra is still on. Ladies. (Kierstin leaves)

Monica: Maybe I should go?

Rachel: Donít bother, Iím leaving with you.

(Rachel and Monica turn to go)

Ross: Wait Rach, itís not what you think.

Rachel: Oh? What is it that I think?

Ross: Iím not having an affair with Kierstin. She tried to seduce me and I said no. Sheís just mad at me.

Rachel: Well thatíll be a good story to tell my lawyer. Letís go Monica.

(Rachel and Monica leave)

Ross: God I hate this job.

JOEYíS APARTMENT (Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and Colin are present)

Phoebe (to Chandler): So you really donít like it when Monica sticks her finger up your butt?

Chandler: Iím gonna kill you Joey.

Joey: Hold on a minute there Phoebe. What do you mean youíre getting married?

Phoebe: Yeah, Colin and I are getting married in year.

Joey: Howís that possible? You just had sex with me two days ago.

Colin: You had sex with him?

Phoebe: Yeah, heís my sex mate. But donĎt worry honey, youíre my soul mate so the sex will be even better between you and I.

Colin: Ok. Just checking.

Joey: This doesnít meanÖ.

Phoebe: Yup, Iím cutting you off.

Joey: But you canít do that. We have an open relationship.

Phoebe: Consider it closed. (pause) Now Chandler, whatís the problem with Monica sticking her finger up your butt during whoopee?

Chandler: Iím not having this discussion with you Pheebs. Iím taking my ass and going home.

(Chandler leaves)

Phoebe: Do you like that Colin?

Colin: Definitely.

Joey: Damn it!

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Monica and Rachel are present)

Rachel: Where is he?

Monica: Maybe he went to Kierstinís dorm?

Rachel: Thatís not even funny.

Monica: Sorry. Look, Iíve got to get home. Chandler doesnít do well when heís left alone for a long period of time.

Rachel: He really is like a two-year old isnít he?

Monica: Pretty much. Are you gonna be ok?

Rachel: Iíll call you if I need a place to stay.

Monica: Ok. See ya.

Rachel: Bye Mon. Thanks for everything.

Monica: Everythingís gonna be ok.

Rachel: I hope so.

(Monica leaves)

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler is watching TV as Monica enters)

Monica: Hi honey.

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Are you still mad at me?

Chandler: No.

Monica: So youíre ok with the fact that I mistakenly let my finger stray?

Chandler: I was ok with that. I wasnít ok with the fact that you told me that Richard liked it.

Monica: Well he did.

Chandler: Monica!

Monica: Ok, ok. Iím sorry. It wonĎt happen again.

Chandler: I didnít say that you couldnít do it again.

Monica: You liked it! Chandler liked it!

Chandler (laughing): It was different. Would you like it?

Monica: You betcha.

Chandler: Let me guess, Richard did it to you all the time.

Monica: No, Joey did.

Chandler: What?!

Monica: Kidding. I was kidding.

ROSS & RACHELĎS APARTMENT (Itís 11pm at night. Ross still isnít home. Rachelís on the phone)

Rachel: He isnít home yet Mon. (pause) Nah, itís ok. You donít have to come over. (pause) Ok. Iíll call you later. (Ross enters)

Ross: Hey Rach.

Rachel: Donít hey Rach me, where in the hell have you been?!

Ross: IĎve been meeting with the Dean of Student Affairs.

Rachel: About what?

Ross: About what? What do you think?

Rachel: About Kierstin?

Ross: Of course. You think Iíd honestly have an affair with a student?

Rachel: At first, yes. But then I realized that youíd never do that to me.

Ross: Of course I wouldnít.

Rachel: So whatís gonna happen to Kierstin?

Ross: SheĎs been removed from my class and placed on probation.

Rachel: Guess sheíll have to try to get her ďAĒ some other way.

Ross: Thatís what I donít get. She was the top student in my class. She actually paid attention.

Rachel: Wow, thatís saying a lot. (Ross just looks at Rachel) I mean, someone who actually cares about academics. Whyíd she throw it all down the toilet?

Ross: Apparently she was just infatuated with me.

Rachel: Man, she really is sick.

Ross: What? Whatís the matter with me?

Rachel: Only one person is allowed to be infatuated with you and thatís me.

Ross: Thatís better. Iím sorry about this whole thing.

Rachel: Itís ok. (pause) You just have one more explanation to make.

Ross: Whatís that?

Rachel: Why are you telling everyone that weíre naming the baby Kierstin?

Ross: I just really liked the name.

Rachel: And?

Ross: No and. I just liked the name.

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: And I thought she was smart and cute. But thatís not against the rules. I didnĎt touch.

Rachel: Lucky for you.

CLOSING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Monica: So whereís Colin Pheebs?

Ross: Whoís Colin?

Rachel: Phoebeís fiance.

Ross: Her what?

Joey: Her new sex partner.

Chandler: I think thatís implied Joe.

Phoebe: Are you guys done?

Joey: Sorry.

Phoebe: Colin and I broke up.

Monica: No! Why?!

Phoebe: He likes John Denver.

Chandler: I love John Denver.

Rachel: John Denver?

Phoebe: Uh huh, thatís why we broke up. Only the anti-man likes John Denver.

Joey: I guess you arenít much of a man there Chandler.

Chandler: Being a man is overrated.

Monica: Spoken like the true anti-man that you are honey.