THE ONE WITH THE LACK OF SEX

Written by: eze93@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Ross are present)

Chandler: I'm bored.

Ross: Me too. I wish Rachel was here right now.

Chandler: I was thinking the same thing.

Ross (incredulously): You want to have sex with my girlfriend?

Chandler: No, I want to have sex with Monica.

Ross: That's better.

Chandler: I have an idea. Let's see who can go the longest without having sex with their girlfriend.

Ross: Why on earth would we do that?

Chandler: Itís just a game. It would give us something to do.

Ross: Or not to do.

OPENING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Continued from before)

Ross: You're serious about this?

Chandler: Yeah, we could have a bet. The first one to have sex with their girlfriend loses $50.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey, whatís going on?

Ross: Not much. Chandler and I are going to be celibate.

Joey: Celibate?

Chandler: Go without sex.

Joey: Why would you do that?

Ross: It's a bet. Do you want in on it?

Joey: No. (pause) What are the stakes?

Chandler: $50 to the winner. If you enter, its an even $100.

Joey: I'm in. What do I have to do?

Ross: You can't have sex with Kate.

Joey: I can't do that.

Chandler: Then you can't play.

Joey: Alright, I'm in. But this is a cruel game.

(Duncan enters)

Duncan: Hey, have you guys seen Phoebe?

Ross: She's not here. Did you check the coffeehouse?

Duncan: I just came from there.

Chandler: She's probably shopping with Rachel and Monica.

Duncan: What are you guys doing?

Joey: Not much, just denying our girlfriends sex.

Duncan: How?

Ross: It's a contest. The first one to have sex with their girlfriend loses $50. Do you want in?

Duncan: Sure, it'll be easy. Phoebe says we can only have sex twice a week.

Chandler: Twice a week?

Duncan: Yeah.

Joey: Poor bastard.

CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Phoebe, Rachel and Kate are present)

Monica: I want to go home.

Rachel: Why?

Monica: I want to have sex with Chandler.

Phoebe: When was the last time you guys did it?

Monica: This morning.

Phoebe: And you're ready already? I only put out for Duncan twice a week.

Kate: Twice a week? You would never last with Joey, with him itís at least three times a day. Not that I'm complaining.

Rachel: Ross and I do it at least once a day. I figure we might as well as have fun because after we're married, it will be like once a week.

Monica: Why will it be only once a week?

Rachel: Because that's what I heard about married couples, they stop having sex regularly after they're married.

Kate: Well, Phoebe, you're halfway there.

Phoebe: Oh no, once I get married it will be like two times a day.

Kate: What?

Phoebe: Well we won't have much else to do, so I figured we'd have sex all the time.

Monica: Why is that Pheebs?

Phoebe: Well, neither of us will have to work because of my trust fund and stuff, so we'll have all the time in the world for sex.

Rachel: And that's not how it is now?

Phoebe: No, itís like that now, but I have my dating standards to hold up.

(Chandler, Ross, Joey and Duncan enter)

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hi guys, what are you up to?

Joey: Nothing that involves sex. (the guys stare at Joey)

Rachel: Ok.

Monica: Chandler, did you call the catering company?

Chandler: No. I forgot, sorry.

Monica: That's alright, why don't we go upstairs and call.

Chandler: Fine. See you guys later. (Monica and Chandler leave)

Phoebe: They're gonna have sex.

Ross: And how do you know that?

Phoebe: That's what Monica wants and that's what Monica will get.

Joey: Doubtful. (Duncan and Ross again stare at Joey)

Kate: Are you guys alright?

Duncan: Fine. We're all fine.

Rachel: Ross, we have to go. We're having dinner with my Dad and I have to get ready. (Rachel and Ross leave)

Kate: Well Joey we might as well go and get ready for dinner. Are you ready to go?

Joey: Sure. But we're not having sex. (Joey and Kate leave)

Phoebe: Well I guess it's just the two of us, what do ya say we go have some fun?

Duncan: But it's not a scheduled day.

Phoebe: So?

Duncan (quickly): Well, I think you should stick to your schedule. I wouldn't want to screw up your dating standards.

Phoebe: Oh.

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross is lying in bed reading and Rachel is getting ready for bed. Rachel walks in wearing a sexy negligee. Ross is oblivious.)

Rachel: Honey.

Ross (not looking): Yeah?

Rachel: Honey, look at me.

Ross: Ok. Wow!

Rachel: Do you like it? I got it today at Bloomingdale's.

Ross: It's great. You look great.

(Ross and Rachel start kissing, it starts to get hot and Ross then sits up straight)

Ross: You know what honey? I have a headache.

Rachel: What?

Ross: I have a headache. I think I need some sleep. Goodnight. (Ross turns and shuts off his light and acts like he's going to sleep. Rachel in turn reaches over him and turns on his light.)

Rachel: Are you alright?

Ross: I'm fine. I just have a headache. I think I might have the flu.

Rachel: You seemed fine five minutes ago. Did I do something?

Ross: No sweetie. I just have a headache. I love you. Goodnight.

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: What?

Rachel: Why don't you want to make love to me?

Ross: I told you, I have a headache. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I don't feel well.

Rachel: Fine. Goodnight.

CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Ross are present)

Ross: I'm telling you man, I had to lie to her. I told her I had a headache and might be coming down with the flu. She's definitely mad at me. She left this morning without saying a word.

Chandler: She's mad, I had to sleep on the couch last night because I told your sister that I wasn't in the mood.

Ross: The couch?

Chandler: Yes the couch. She came in wearing this sexy negligee and I freaked. She looked so hot. I told her that it wasn't going to happen and she made me sleep on the couch.

(Joey enters and puts $50 on the table)

Joey: I'm out.

Ross: Already?

Joey: You better believe it. She came to bed wearing this new negligee she bought and I caved. It was the best sex I've had in months.

Chandler: You have been with Kate for five months.

Joey: Well she saved her best performance for last night.

Ross: Well at least we know what they were doing yesterday. They all went shopping for negligees at Bloomingdale's. I wonder how Duncan made out.

(Duncan enters)

Duncan: Is this contest almost over?

Chandler: Did you cave?

Duncan: No, I convinced Phoebe to stick to her dating standards.

Joey: Huh?

Duncan: She has a schedule. I told her we couldn't deviate from her schedule. I'm a stupid man.

Ross: When's the next day on her schedule?

Duncan: Today. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Monica, Rachel, Phoebe and Kate are present)

Monica: Something's going on with those boys.

Rachel: I think you're right. Ross refused to have sex with me last night.

Monica: Oh my god, Chandler refused to have sex with me.

Phoebe: Duncan turned me down too. He convinced me to stay on schedule. What guy would do that?

Rachel: How about you Kate?

Kate: No, it was business as usual for Joey and I. Although it did take a little coaxing, which is definitely a first for Joey.

Rachel: Do you think they're playing some kind of game?

Monica: With those boys, anything's possible.

Kate: They probably made a bet to see who could go the longest without sleeping with their girlfriend.

Phoebe: Why would they do that?

Rachel: Because they're guys.

Monica: Well I say we play a game of our own. The person who goes the longest with sleeping with their boyfriend wins a $100 from each of us. What do you think?

Phoebe: Why don't we make it a $1,000 a person?

Kate: Because not all of us are living off a trust fund.

Rachel: I'm in. Ross will rue the day he refused to make love to me.

Kate: Count me in, Joey will explode.

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: But today is a scheduled day, can't we start tomorrow?

Monica: No. Are you in or not?

Phoebe: Fine. I'm in.

CENTRAL PERK (Two days later. Chandler and Ross are present)

Chandler: So how is it going?

Ross: Pretty easy actually. We've kissed and stuff but we've stopped before it's gotten heavy. How about you?

Chandler: Same here. Monica has been basically ignoring me sexually.

(Joey enters, looking very depressed)

Ross: Hey man, what's wrong?

Joey: Kate won't have sex with me. It's been two days.

Chandler: Maybe it's that time of the month.

Joey: No it isn't, we have that calendared.

Ross: Well what has she been telling you?

Joey: She keeps telling me she's busy. She won't come over to see me and I can't go see her. I'm gonna explode. Did they find out about our contest?

Chandler: No way. They're not that smart.

Ross: Just hang in there Joey, she'll be in the mood again soon. Women just go through cycles sometimes.

CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (One week later. Monica and Rachel are talking at the table)

Rachel: This is getting difficult. I want Ross so bad. We kiss and get all heated up and then we stop. It's driving me crazy.

Monica: I know. Chandler and I took a shower together yesterday and I couldn't believe the tension.

(Phoebe enters and places $100 on the table)

Phoebe: I'm out. I had to keep to my schedule.

Rachel: Ah Pheebs, you couldn't go one more week?

Phoebe: No way, not with Duncan dancing around naked.

Monica: Too much information.

(Kate enters and places $100 on the table)

Kate: Well I guess I'm out too. Joey threatened to break-up with me if I didn't start having sex with him again.

Monica: I'm impressed that you made it this long.

CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Two weeks later. Chandler and Monica are making out on their bed)

Chandler: Honey, I have a confession to make.

Monica: What is it?

Chandler: Four weeks ago the guys and I made a bet who could go the longest without sleeping with their girlfriend. Right now, only Ross and I are left and I don't want to play anymore. I want you right now.

Monica: That's great honey, but I have a headache.

Chandler: What?

Monica: I have a headache.

Chandler: So? That's never stopped you before.

Monica: I am just not in the mood.

Chandler: Fine, you sleep on the couch for a change. (Monica stares at Chandler) Ok, I'll sleep on the couch. (Chandler gets up to leave, and Monica pulls him down onto the bed, pinning him)

Monica: Us girls have been playing the same game. I have wanted you for weeks but I have held out this long. Iíll make love to you right now if you promise not to ever play this stupid game again. But I have one condition, you are not to say a word to Ross.

Chandler: Fine. Let's get busy.

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARMENT (One week later. Ross and Rachel are barely speaking to one another. Rachel is sitting on the couch as Ross walks in)

Ross: Hey sweetie.

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Rach, we have to talk.

Rachel: Ok, what about?

Ross: Our sex life. We haven't had sex in a month.

Rachel: Well that's because you always have a headache.

Ross: I had a headache once. You haven't even asked to have sex since then.

Rachel: Well, you haven't asked either.

Ross: Don't you think that's odd?

Rachel: Honey, when it comes to you, nothing is odd. I just figured you were going through a down cycle.

Ross: A down cycle?

Rachel: Yeah, it happens to all couples. You go through a dry period.

Ross: Rachel, we've been back together for six months, we should be having sex like rabbits.

Rachel: Well, are you saying you want to do it?

Ross: Do you want to do it?

Rachel: I asked you first.

Ross: I want to do it.

Rachel: Well I don't.

Ross: Why not?

Rachel: I have a headache.

Ross: You do not.

Rachel: Yes I do.

Ross: Fine, why don't you come and lie down on the couch. You can rest your head on my lap. It'll help your headache go away.

Rachel: I'd love that. Thank you for understanding. I promise we can have sex tomorrow.

(Rachel lies down and places her head on Ross' lap and closes her eyes. After a few minutes Ross begins to sensuously rub her tummy. Rachel opens her eyes and sits up and kisses Ross.)

Ross: I thought you had a headache.

Rachel: It's gone. Let's forget about tomorrow and do it right now.

Ross: You know what, I have a headache now.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross (seductively): No, the other kind of headache.

CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Everyone is present except Ross & Rachel)

Monica: Has anyone seen Ross and Rachel?

Chandler: The last time I saw Ross he said Rachel was barely talking to him.

Joey: They still think the contest is going on?

Phoebe: What dumb fools they are.

(Ross walks in and puts his $50 on the table).

Ross: Guys, I'm out.

Chandler: Actually Ross, you're the winner. I went out a week ago. I just forgot to tell you.

(Rachel walks in and puts her $100 on the table)

Rachel: I'm out, Ross and I had sex.

Ross: You were in a contest too?

Rachel: Do you think I like going without sex for a month?

Monica: Congratulations Rach, you're the big winner. Chandler and I had sex a week ago.

Ross: You mean we went an extra week just for the fun of it?

Rachel: I am so going to kill you guys. We nearly broke-up because of this contest.

Phoebe: You did?

Rachel: Well no, but did you feel guilty?

Phoebe: No, not really.

CLOSING CREDITS

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross is in bed and Rachel is getting ready for bed. Rachel walks in wearing the same negligee from before.)

Rachel: Honey.

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: Honey, look at me.

Ross: Wow.

Rachel: Do you wanna have sex?

Ross: Not particularly.

Rachel: What?

Ross: I have a headache.

(Rachel drops the negligee to the floor and stands naked before Ross)

Rachel: Do you wanna make love to me Ross?

Ross (turns his head towards her and looks at her stunned): Ah, ah, yes ma'am.

Rachel: Is your headache gone?

Ross: Yes ma'am.

(Rachel climbs in bed and pulls the covers over her)

Rachel: Well I have a headache now and I'm not interested. Goodnight.

THE END