THE ONE WITH THE LACK OF SEX
Written by: firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Ross are present)
Chandler: I'm bored.
Ross: Me too. I wish Rachel was here right now.
Chandler: I was thinking the same thing.
Ross (incredulously): You want to have sex with my girlfriend?
Chandler: No, I want to have sex with Monica.
Ross: That's better.
Chandler: I have an idea. Let's see who can go the longest without having sex with their girlfriend.
Ross: Why on earth would we do that?
Chandler: Itís just a game. It would give us something to do.
Ross: Or not to do.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Continued from before)
Ross: You're serious about this?
Chandler: Yeah, we could have a bet. The first one to have sex with their girlfriend loses $50.
Joey: Hey, whatís going on?
Ross: Not much. Chandler and I are going to be celibate.
Chandler: Go without sex.
Joey: Why would you do that?
Ross: It's a bet. Do you want in on it?
Joey: No. (pause) What are the stakes?
Chandler: $50 to the winner. If you enter, its an even $100.
Joey: I'm in. What do I have to do?
Ross: You can't have sex with Kate.
Joey: I can't do that.
Chandler: Then you can't play.
Joey: Alright, I'm in. But this is a cruel game.
Duncan: Hey, have you guys seen Phoebe?
Ross: She's not here. Did you check the coffeehouse?
Duncan: I just came from there.
Chandler: She's probably shopping with Rachel and Monica.
Duncan: What are you guys doing?
Joey: Not much, just denying our girlfriends sex.
Ross: It's a contest. The first one to have sex with their girlfriend loses $50. Do you want in?
Duncan: Sure, it'll be easy. Phoebe says we can only have sex twice a week.
Chandler: Twice a week?
Joey: Poor bastard.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Phoebe, Rachel and Kate are present)
Monica: I want to go home.
Monica: I want to have sex with Chandler.
Phoebe: When was the last time you guys did it?
Monica: This morning.
Phoebe: And you're ready already? I only put out for Duncan twice a week.
Kate: Twice a week? You would never last with Joey, with him itís at least three times a day. Not that I'm complaining.
Rachel: Ross and I do it at least once a day. I figure we might as well as have fun because after we're married, it will be like once a week.
Monica: Why will it be only once a week?
Rachel: Because that's what I heard about married couples, they stop having sex regularly after they're married.
Kate: Well, Phoebe, you're halfway there.
Phoebe: Oh no, once I get married it will be like two times a day.
Phoebe: Well we won't have much else to do, so I figured we'd have sex all the time.
Monica: Why is that Pheebs?
Phoebe: Well, neither of us will have to work because of my trust fund and stuff, so we'll have all the time in the world for sex.
Rachel: And that's not how it is now?
Phoebe: No, itís like that now, but I have my dating standards to hold up.
(Chandler, Ross, Joey and Duncan enter)
Monica: Hi guys, what are you up to?
Joey: Nothing that involves sex. (the guys stare at Joey)
Monica: Chandler, did you call the catering company?
Chandler: No. I forgot, sorry.
Monica: That's alright, why don't we go upstairs and call.
Chandler: Fine. See you guys later. (Monica and Chandler leave)
Phoebe: They're gonna have sex.
Ross: And how do you know that?
Phoebe: That's what Monica wants and that's what Monica will get.
Joey: Doubtful. (Duncan and Ross again stare at Joey)
Kate: Are you guys alright?
Duncan: Fine. We're all fine.
Rachel: Ross, we have to go. We're having dinner with my Dad and I have to get ready. (Rachel and Ross leave)
Kate: Well Joey we might as well go and get ready for dinner. Are you ready to go?
Joey: Sure. But we're not having sex. (Joey and Kate leave)
Phoebe: Well I guess it's just the two of us, what do ya say we go have some fun?
Duncan: But it's not a scheduled day.
Duncan (quickly): Well, I think you should stick to your schedule. I wouldn't want to screw up your dating standards.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross is lying in bed reading and Rachel is getting ready for bed. Rachel walks in wearing a sexy negligee. Ross is oblivious.)
Ross (not looking): Yeah?
Rachel: Honey, look at me.
Ross: Ok. Wow!
Rachel: Do you like it? I got it today at Bloomingdale's.
Ross: It's great. You look great.
(Ross and Rachel start kissing, it starts to get hot and Ross then sits up straight)
Ross: You know what honey? I have a headache.
Ross: I have a headache. I think I need some sleep. Goodnight. (Ross turns and shuts off his light and acts like he's going to sleep. Rachel in turn reaches over him and turns on his light.)
Rachel: Are you alright?
Ross: I'm fine. I just have a headache. I think I might have the flu.
Rachel: You seemed fine five minutes ago. Did I do something?
Ross: No sweetie. I just have a headache. I love you. Goodnight.
Rachel: Why don't you want to make love to me?
Ross: I told you, I have a headache. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I don't feel well.
Rachel: Fine. Goodnight.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Ross are present)
Ross: I'm telling you man, I had to lie to her. I told her I had a headache and might be coming down with the flu. She's definitely mad at me. She left this morning without saying a word.
Chandler: She's mad, I had to sleep on the couch last night because I told your sister that I wasn't in the mood.
Ross: The couch?
Chandler: Yes the couch. She came in wearing this sexy negligee and I freaked. She looked so hot. I told her that it wasn't going to happen and she made me sleep on the couch.
(Joey enters and puts $50 on the table)
Joey: I'm out.
Joey: You better believe it. She came to bed wearing this new negligee she bought and I caved. It was the best sex I've had in months.
Chandler: You have been with Kate for five months.
Joey: Well she saved her best performance for last night.
Ross: Well at least we know what they were doing yesterday. They all went shopping for negligees at Bloomingdale's. I wonder how Duncan made out.
Duncan: Is this contest almost over?
Chandler: Did you cave?
Duncan: No, I convinced Phoebe to stick to her dating standards.
Duncan: She has a schedule. I told her we couldn't deviate from her schedule. I'm a stupid man.
Ross: When's the next day on her schedule?
Duncan: Today. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Monica, Rachel, Phoebe and Kate are present)
Monica: Something's going on with those boys.
Rachel: I think you're right. Ross refused to have sex with me last night.
Monica: Oh my god, Chandler refused to have sex with me.
Phoebe: Duncan turned me down too. He convinced me to stay on schedule. What guy would do that?
Rachel: How about you Kate?
Kate: No, it was business as usual for Joey and I. Although it did take a little coaxing, which is definitely a first for Joey.
Rachel: Do you think they're playing some kind of game?
Monica: With those boys, anything's possible.
Kate: They probably made a bet to see who could go the longest without sleeping with their girlfriend.
Phoebe: Why would they do that?
Rachel: Because they're guys.
Monica: Well I say we play a game of our own. The person who goes the longest with sleeping with their boyfriend wins a $100 from each of us. What do you think?
Phoebe: Why don't we make it a $1,000 a person?
Kate: Because not all of us are living off a trust fund.
Rachel: I'm in. Ross will rue the day he refused to make love to me.
Kate: Count me in, Joey will explode.
Phoebe: But today is a scheduled day, can't we start tomorrow?
Monica: No. Are you in or not?
Phoebe: Fine. I'm in.
CENTRAL PERK (Two days later. Chandler and Ross are present)
Chandler: So how is it going?
Ross: Pretty easy actually. We've kissed and stuff but we've stopped before it's gotten heavy. How about you?
Chandler: Same here. Monica has been basically ignoring me sexually.
(Joey enters, looking very depressed)
Ross: Hey man, what's wrong?
Joey: Kate won't have sex with me. It's been two days.
Chandler: Maybe it's that time of the month.
Joey: No it isn't, we have that calendared.
Ross: Well what has she been telling you?
Joey: She keeps telling me she's busy. She won't come over to see me and I can't go see her. I'm gonna explode. Did they find out about our contest?
Chandler: No way. They're not that smart.
Ross: Just hang in there Joey, she'll be in the mood again soon. Women just go through cycles sometimes.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (One week later. Monica and Rachel are talking at the table)
Rachel: This is getting difficult. I want Ross so bad. We kiss and get all heated up and then we stop. It's driving me crazy.
Monica: I know. Chandler and I took a shower together yesterday and I couldn't believe the tension.
(Phoebe enters and places $100 on the table)
Phoebe: I'm out. I had to keep to my schedule.
Rachel: Ah Pheebs, you couldn't go one more week?
Phoebe: No way, not with Duncan dancing around naked.
Monica: Too much information.
(Kate enters and places $100 on the table)
Kate: Well I guess I'm out too. Joey threatened to break-up with me if I didn't start having sex with him again.
Monica: I'm impressed that you made it this long.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Two weeks later. Chandler and Monica are making out on their bed)
Chandler: Honey, I have a confession to make.
Monica: What is it?
Chandler: Four weeks ago the guys and I made a bet who could go the longest without sleeping with their girlfriend. Right now, only Ross and I are left and I don't want to play anymore. I want you right now.
Monica: That's great honey, but I have a headache.
Monica: I have a headache.
Chandler: So? That's never stopped you before.
Monica: I am just not in the mood.
Chandler: Fine, you sleep on the couch for a change. (Monica stares at Chandler) Ok, I'll sleep on the couch. (Chandler gets up to leave, and Monica pulls him down onto the bed, pinning him)
Monica: Us girls have been playing the same game. I have wanted you for weeks but I have held out this long. Iíll make love to you right now if you promise not to ever play this stupid game again. But I have one condition, you are not to say a word to Ross.
Chandler: Fine. Let's get busy.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARMENT (One week later. Ross and Rachel are barely speaking to one another. Rachel is sitting on the couch as Ross walks in)
Ross: Hey sweetie.
Ross: Rach, we have to talk.
Rachel: Ok, what about?
Ross: Our sex life. We haven't had sex in a month.
Rachel: Well that's because you always have a headache.
Ross: I had a headache once. You haven't even asked to have sex since then.
Rachel: Well, you haven't asked either.
Ross: Don't you think that's odd?
Rachel: Honey, when it comes to you, nothing is odd. I just figured you were going through a down cycle.
Ross: A down cycle?
Rachel: Yeah, it happens to all couples. You go through a dry period.
Ross: Rachel, we've been back together for six months, we should be having sex like rabbits.
Rachel: Well, are you saying you want to do it?
Ross: Do you want to do it?
Rachel: I asked you first.
Ross: I want to do it.
Rachel: Well I don't.
Ross: Why not?
Rachel: I have a headache.
Ross: You do not.
Rachel: Yes I do.
Ross: Fine, why don't you come and lie down on the couch. You can rest your head on my lap. It'll help your headache go away.
Rachel: I'd love that. Thank you for understanding. I promise we can have sex tomorrow.
(Rachel lies down and places her head on Ross' lap and closes her eyes. After a few minutes Ross begins to sensuously rub her tummy. Rachel opens her eyes and sits up and kisses Ross.)
Ross: I thought you had a headache.
Rachel: It's gone. Let's forget about tomorrow and do it right now.
Ross: You know what, I have a headache now.
Ross (seductively): No, the other kind of headache.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Everyone is present except Ross & Rachel)
Monica: Has anyone seen Ross and Rachel?
Chandler: The last time I saw Ross he said Rachel was barely talking to him.
Joey: They still think the contest is going on?
Phoebe: What dumb fools they are.
(Ross walks in and puts his $50 on the table).
Ross: Guys, I'm out.
Chandler: Actually Ross, you're the winner. I went out a week ago. I just forgot to tell you.
(Rachel walks in and puts her $100 on the table)
Rachel: I'm out, Ross and I had sex.
Ross: You were in a contest too?
Rachel: Do you think I like going without sex for a month?
Monica: Congratulations Rach, you're the big winner. Chandler and I had sex a week ago.
Ross: You mean we went an extra week just for the fun of it?
Rachel: I am so going to kill you guys. We nearly broke-up because of this contest.
Phoebe: You did?
Rachel: Well no, but did you feel guilty?
Phoebe: No, not really.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross is in bed and Rachel is getting ready for bed. Rachel walks in wearing the same negligee from before.)
Rachel: Honey, look at me.
Rachel: Do you wanna have sex?
Ross: Not particularly.
Ross: I have a headache.
(Rachel drops the negligee to the floor and stands naked before Ross)
Rachel: Do you wanna make love to me Ross?
Ross (turns his head towards her and looks at her stunned): Ah, ah, yes ma'am.
Rachel: Is your headache gone?
Ross: Yes ma'am.
(Rachel climbs in bed and pulls the covers over her)
Rachel: Well I have a headache now and I'm not interested. Goodnight.