THE ONE WITH JENNIFER'S LAWSUIT
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Joey are present)
Chandler: Do you still need a roommate?
Joey: What did you do?
Chandler: I accidentally spilled chocolate milk on the couch.
Joey: Doing the milk and chocolate syrup thing again?
Chandler: Is there any other way to make chocolate milk then putting the milk in your mouth and then pouring the chocolate syrup in and shaking your head like a banshee?
Chandler: Well then it shouldn't be my fault. I can't help it if Monica had a huge booger hanging from her nose and that I found it funny. I'm mean come on, hanging boogers are funny stuff.
Joey: You spit the chocolate milk at her didn’t you?
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Ross: I'm telling you, Superman could kick the Hulk's ass.
Joey: I think the Green Lantern would dominate both Superman and the Hulk.
Chandler: No way, the Hulk is the dominating superhero.
Monica: And here I thought you'd be the biggest fan of the Ambiguously Gay Duo.
Rachel: Hey look at this, Jennifer's in the news.
Chandler: Who's Jennifer?
Phoebe: Hell, even more important than that is that I didn't know that Rachel could read.
Rachel: You know, Jennifer Aniston.
Chandler: Oh that Jennifer Aniston. See, I refer to her as Hot Jennifer.
Monica: Funny, you don't refer to me as Hot Monica.
Phoebe: Maybe that's because you're not attractive.
Ross: Read the article Rach.
Rachel: Ok. Let's see, "Actress Jennifer Aniston's lawsuit against two magazine publishers for printing unauthorized photos of her sunbathing topless will proceed next week without a jury, the judge ruled on Monday. Aniston's attorney, Jay Lavely, said the 33-year-old actress would proceed with her lawsuit and testify in court in Los Angeles unless the case was settled first. Ms. Aniston sued Man's World Publications Inc. and Crescent Publishing Group, claiming that paparazzi scaled an eight-foot wall to photograph her as she sunbathed in the backyard of her home. The pictures were taken in February of 1999 and appeared later that year in the magazines Celebrity Skin, High Society and Celebrity Sleuth."
Joey: Those were sweet pictures. She has a great rack. (everyone stares at Joey) Hey, I didn't know that we'd eventually meet her in person.
Rachel: Anyway, the article goes on to say that Jen is married to Hollywood superstar Brad Pitt and has appeared in such movies as The Good Girl and The Object of My Affection.
Monica: I've got a crazy idea…..
Phoebe: Hey, you’re the anal neat freak, the crazy idea girl is me.
Monica: We should go to LA for the trial.
Joey: That is a good idea. Maybe they'll show the topless photos of Jen in court.
Chandler: Leave it to Joey to find the silver lining in a bad situation.
Ross: I'm up for it.
Rachel: What about Caitlin? We can't take her three thousand miles across to California.
Phoebe: Then stay here, no one's forcing you to go.
Rachel (whining): But I wanna go!
Chandler: Ok, you need to stop hanging out with Monica.
Ross: We could see if your Mom would watch for a week.
Monica: Yeah, if she won't I'm sure my parents would.
Rachel: Ok, off to LA we all go.
Ross: Shouldn't we at least call Jen and Brad and make sure it's ok?
Rachel: Nah, I'm sure they'll be thrilled.
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (Brad and Jennifer are eating breakfast)
Brad: Did you see today's paper?
Jennifer: How's that possible since you're hogging it?
Brad: Look, in the Entertainment Section.
Jennifer: "Jennifer Aniston goes to court". Great, now the whole world will know that I sunbathe topless in my backyard.
Brad: You never know, they may offer a settlement.
Jennifer: Yeah, part of me wants that and the other part wants to rip those guys a new butthole. Thank God we're not having any visitors during the next week. I'm totally peopled out.
Brad: So you're basically saying that you didn't like the fact that my parents stayed two weeks longer than they said they would.
Jennifer: Pretty much.
(Cut to three days later)
AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT 901 (Everyone but Caitlin is present. Ross and Rachel are sitting in first class and everyone else is in coach - they're sitting together)
Chandler: Those two are bastards. I can't believe they got first class tickets.
Joey: I know. They think they're better than us.
Phoebe: Joey honey, everyone's better than you.
Monica: They could've at least told us that they were getting first class tickets. I would've sprung for it.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm only flying coach because of you losers. I could buy this airliner if I wanted to.
Chandler: Pheebs, ah these planes are like $500 million.
Phoebe: Well I could've at least bought all the first class seats.
(cut to first class)
Ross: I think they're mad at us.
Rachel: Hey, it's not my fault that they decided to fly in coach.
Ross: I think that they're mad that we didn't tell them that we bought first class tickets.
Rachel: Well if they expect me to fly in coach after flying in first class for my job, they are gravely mistaken.
Ross: You know, you're really turning into a snob.
Rachel: Is that a problem?
Ross: No, just an observation. I love it actually. I can't afford to fly first class on my salary. I'll ride your coattails as far as they'll take me.
Rachel: What are you gonna do when the coattails stop?
Ross: Divorce you and marry a 21-year old.
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (Brad is home. Jennifer isn't. The gang arrives)
Rachel: Now remember Joey, you're not to mention to Jennifer that you saw her topless pictures.
Joey: Why not? It's not like she has anything to be ashamed of. She has a beautiful rack.
Phoebe: And you have beautiful balls Joey, but if you say one thing, I'll cut them off when you go to sleep.
Chandler: Must we discuss Joey's balls?
Phoebe: At least he has them Chandler.
(Ross knocks on the door)
Ross: Just don't do anything stupid you two (points at Chandler and Joey).
Chandler: Hey, you were the one who disappeared the last time we were here.
(Brad answers the door)
Brad: What? What are you guys doing here?
Rachel: We came to provide support for Jennifer.
Brad: Support for what?
Joey: You know, the court case about her hooters.
Phoebe: Say goodbye to your balls Joey.
Joey: I didn't say it to Jennifer, I only said it to Brad.
Brad: Oh. Well that's really nice of you guys. So where are you staying?
Rachel: We were hoping we could stay with you guys. Of course, we wouldn't want to intrude. (Brad doesn't say anything) Brad?
Brad: Sure, you guys can stay here. We'd be glad to have you. Come on in.
Joey (to Brad): That's really a shame about Jennifer's hooters appearing in those publications.
Brad: Yeah, she's pretty upset about it.
Joey: I don't know why, she's got a great…..(Phoebe hits Joey in the head) hey, what was that for?
(cut to two hours later. Ross, Rachel, Chandler and Monica are playing Scrabble. Joey is talking with Brad and Phoebe's asleep on the couch)
Ross: Let's see, let's see….
Rachel: Would you go already? It's been fifteen minutes already!
Ross: Hey, don't rush me. I didn't rush you when you came out with cat.
Monica: Just go Ross.
Ross: Ok, here….(spells out yamen) Yamen.
Chandler: That's so not a word.
Ross: Are you challenging it?
Chandler: For one yamen is spelled Yemen and two you can't use proper nouns.
Ross: Then challenge it.
Chandler: Fine. I think I will. Hand me the dictionary Monica. (Monica hands him the dictionary) Let's see….crap I don't believe it.
Ross: I told you it's a word.
Monica: What does it mean Chandler?
Chandler: A yamen is the office or residence of a mandarin or public official in China.
Rachel: That shouldn't count, it's not even an English word.
Ross: It's in the dictionary!
Monica: Where'd you learn that word Ross?
Ross: Julie used it on me when we were playing Scrabble when we were killing time in China.
Rachel: Oh, if Julie says it's a word then it's definitely a word.
Ross: You're not gonna throw mashed potatoes at me again are you?
(Cut to Joey and Brad)
Brad: So you and Phoebe aren't married anymore?
Joey: No, I commuted her sentence for good behavior.
Brad: And she wasn't upset?
Joey: Oh she was devastated. She had me arrested.
Brad: For doing what?
Joey: For breaking and entering into her apartment while she was asleep. It's ok though, I repaid her.
Brad: What'd you do?
Joey: I had her arrested for stealing all my stuff.
Brad: Was she convicted?
Joey: No, the judge threw the case out during the trial.
Brad: You two have a really twisted relationship.
Joey: Yeah, you should see outside of the bedroom.
Jennifer: Brad? Brad honey, I'm home. (walks into the room where everyone is) Oh my God, what are you guys doing here?
Brad: They came to support you when you go to trial.
Ross: Is everything ok Jennifer?
Jennifer: Yeah, I just wasn’t expecting visitors.
Ross (to Rachel): I told you we should've called ahead of time.
Rachel: Jen if it's too much to have us all here, we'd be happy to go get a hotel room or something.
Jennifer: No, no, no don't worry about it. I'm really glad that you all came, it means a lot to me.
(to Brad) Can I see you for a minute?
Brad: We'll be right back.
Rachel: Maybe we should've called.
Ross: You think?
(Cut to Brad and Jennifer)
Brad: Are you ok?
Jennifer: Yeah. I'm just a little surprised.
Brad: They're just being good friends. You were there for Ross and Rachel when they had Caitlin, I'm sure they just want to show you that they care about you too.
Jennifer: I know. How long are they staying?
Brad: I guess until the trial's over.
Brad: Look Jen, if you don't want them staying here, just be honest with them. They'll understand.
Jennifer: I guess I'd be ok with it if it was just Ross and Rachel, but the whole gang is here.
Brad: Then I'll tell them that it's best if they go to the Marriott or something.
Jennifer: I'm not being a bitch about this am I?
Brad: Not at all. Do they even know that you're pregnant?
Jennifer: No. I haven't told anyone yet. It's only been a month. I don't want anyone to know yet.
Brad: Ok, I'll just tell them that you're really exhausted and it would be best if they got hotel rooms.
Jennnifer: Ok. I'm sorry.
Brad: It's no big deal Jen, they'll be fine with it.
(Cut back to the living room)
Ross: Joey, wake Phoebe up and tell her that we're going to the Marriott.
Joey: We're getting hotel rooms?
Rachel: Yeah, it's probably the right thing to do.
Monica: I'll go get our stuff. Let's go Chandler.
Chandler: But you just said that you'll go get our stuff.
Monica: I meant you and I, now get up and help me.
Brad: Where'd everyone go?
Ross: Monica and Chandler went to get there stuff and Joey's waking up Phoebe. We're gonna go check in at the Marriott.
Rachel: Yeah Brad, we're sorry that we didn't call ahead of time.
Brad: That's ok. Though I think it would be best if you guys do go to the hotel. Jennifer's really exhausted and she needs down time.
Rachel: We totally understand.
(Monica and Chandler return)
Monica: Ok, I think we're ready to go. Where's Joey and Phoebe? (Joey and Phoebe enter) Never mind.
Phoebe: Thanks for letting me take a nap Brad.
Brad: It looks like you needed one.
Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler, Monica and Joey made me fly in coach instead of first class. Only the snobs got to sit in first class.
Rachel: Hey! That's totally unfair!
Phoebe: If the shoe fits, wear it Rachel.
Ross: Are you guys ready?
Brad: I'll call the hotel tomorrow. We can go to the courthouse together.
Jennifer: Where's everyone going?
Brad: They're going to the Marriott.
Jennifer: Over my dead body. You all go put your stuff back in your respective bedrooms.
Rachel: Are you sure that's ok Jen?
Jennifer: This is my house and I say you're staying. Now go put your things away. Oh and Rachel, make sure you bring down the pictures of Caitlin.
Phoebe: Speaking of babies Jennifer, when are you due?
Jennifer: Excuse me?
Phoebe: When are you due?
Jennifer: How'd you know I was pregnant?
Phoebe: I can see it your eyes. You've got pregnant eyes.
Chandler: That would be a medical first.
Jennifer: I'm due at the end of February.
Rachel: You're pregnant?
Jennifer: About a month now.
Jennifer (to Brad): So much for not telling anyone.
Brad: If it weren't for the psychic gifts of Phoebe, no one would've ever found out.
LOS ANGELES SUPERIOR COURTHOUSE (Everyone is present)
Joey: I love going to court.
Chandler: You should, that's where you've spent the last two months of your life.
Rachel: Are you gonna testify today Jen?
Jennifer: Maybe. I really don't know.
Phoebe: Yeah, I don't see it happening until tomorrow.
Brad: Then she's not testifying until tomorrow.
Ross: You're gonna believe Phoebe and all her psychic crap?
Brad: She hasn't been wrong yet.
Monica: Of course she did predict that Al Gore would win the Presidency.
Phoebe: Hey, he won the popular vote. If that's all it took, he would've won.
Bailiff: All rise, the Honorable Michael Pingatore is presiding.
Judge: Thank you Rusty. You may all sit. Clerk, please read the case description.
Clerk: Case 5150, Mrs. Jennifer Pitt versus Man's World Publications Inc. and Crescent Publishing Group. Mrs. Pitt is seeking compensatory damages of $5,000,000 and punitive damages of $25,000,000 for invasion of privacy against each defendant. The defendants are accused of invasion of privacy, character defamation and inflicting emotional distress on the plaintiff.
Judge: Thank you Ms. Butterworth.
Man's World's Attorney: Your honor, we would like to seek a short recess to discuss settlement proceedings with the Plaintiff.
Mr. Laveley (Jennifer's Attorney): Your honor, Man's World Publications Inc. has had three years to offer a settlement proposal to my client and they have not done so. We feel that at this time it is best if the case against Man's World Publications Inc. moves forward.
Man's World's Attorney: Your honor, we are acting in good faith and believe that our settlement offer to Mrs. Pitt will be found favorable to the plaintiff.
Judge: Does the defense for Crescent Publishing Group also want to offer a settlement at this time?
Crescent's Attorney: Yes your honor. We are also prepared to offer a settlement.
Judge: If the counselors and Mrs. Pitt would join me in my Chambers, let's see if we can settle this case before you waste any more of my time.
(The attorneys, the judge and Jennifer go to the Judge's Chambers)
Joey: Does this mean that we won't get the see the naked pictures of Jennifer? (Phoebe whacks Joey upside the head and then Monica and Rachel follow) Hey! What the hell was that for?! It was just a question.
THE VIPER ROOM (Everyone is present)
Ross: Seriously Jen, what did they settle for?
Jennifer: I'd love to tell you, but I can't. It's part of the agreement.
Rachel: Can you give us a hint?
Jennifer: It was over $9,000,000 a piece.
Joey: Wow! That's some serious coin.
Jennifer: Yeah, the charities that I do work for will appreciate the money.
Chandler: Charities? You gave all the money to Charity? Who are you? Mother Teresa?
Jennifer: I just donated the money because I really don't need it. The case was about principles. No paparazzi has the right to scale eight foot walls to take pictures of a celebrity sunbathing nude in her own backyard.
Ross: I totally agree with you Jen.
Joey: Yeah me too. Although you should be proud of those…..(Phoebe grabs Joey's crotch) donations to charity.
Jennifer: You saw the photos didn't you?
Jennifer: I did look kinda hot.
Joey: You could've melted the ice shelf in Antarctica.
(Cut to Chandler and Brad who are at the bar)
Chandler: Did you know that Monica's pregnant?
Brad: I thought so but I wasn't sure. She was either pregnant or getting fat again.
Chandler: She almost four months along.
Brad: Let me ask you something. Did Monica stop having sexual intercourse with you after she got pregnant?
Chandler: Yeah. She said she didn't want to hurt the baby.
Brad: Jennifer's done the same thing to me. What'd you guys do?
Chandler: I talked with her OBGY-N about it and she directed Monica to have sexual intercourse with me.
Brad: Did it work?
Chandler: Look at my hand. Does it look like it worked?
Brad: You didn't freak her out or anything did you?
Chandler: Well I did tell her the joke about how the baby could see my thing and was screaming in the womb to run for cover.
Brad: That's pretty funny.
Chandler: Yeah, unfortunately I had to sleep on the couch for a week after telling the joke.
Brad: So it wasn't worth it.
Chandler: No, it was totally worth it. I'd been saving that joke for 32 years. I wasn't gonna miss a chance to tell it.
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - BRAD & JENNIFER'S RESIDENCE (Jennifer, Monica, Phoebe and Rachel are talking. The men have gone to bed)
Jennifer: So when are you due Monica?
Monica: Five more months.
Rachel: Then the fun begins.
Jennifer: What do you mean?
Rachel: It's just that you go through nine months of carrying the baby, and then you're responsible for the baby 24/7 thereafter. It can really be tiresome.
Phoebe: Doesn't seem to affect Ross that much.
Rachel: Sure it does, he has to watch her when I'm away on business.
Phoebe: If having Ross' mom or your mom watch Caitlin is hard for Ross, then sure, he's got it really tough.
Rachel: You're telling me that he's been having them watch Caitlin while I'm gone?
Phoebe: Pretty much.
Rachel: I'm gonna kill him.
Monica: Hey, don't forget about me. I watch her all the time too.
Rachel: Well after you have your own child you won't be watching her. That snake, I can't believe he's been doing that.
Jennifer: Did childbirth hurt?
Rachel: It hurt like hell.
Phoebe: Please, deliver triplets and then let me know how much it hurt.
Jennifer: You delivered triplets? Who was the father? Joey?
Phoebe: No, they were my brother's children.
Jennifer: Ok, are we on Candid Camera or something?
Monica: No Jen, she was the surrogate for her brother and her sister-in-law. Her sister-in-law was infertile.
Jennifer: Oh. Geez, for a minute there I thought I was stuck in Applachia.
(Cut to the next morning)
Ross: Would somebody go tell Phoebe to hurry up? We're gonna miss our flight.
Monica (to Brad): Is the showerhead removable?
Brad: Yeah, why?
Monica: Just wondering what's taking Phoebe so long and I think that would be it.
Brad: You mean she's…..
Monica: Afraid so.
Jennifer: Are you sure you guys don't want to stay a few extra days?
Joey: I know I do!
Rachel: I'd love to Jen, but I've got to get home to Caitlin. I miss her so much.
Brad: I see why, she's totally adorable.
Chandler: Phoebe's on her way down. She said she was having a problem with the showerhead.
AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT 1080 (Everyone is present. Ross and Rachel are sitting in first class and everyone else is in coach - they're sitting together)
Joey: Those bastards are sitting in first-class again.
Monica: Let it go Joe, it's no big deal.
Chandler: Huh, that's not what you said when we were boarding the plane.
Phoebe: Yes, as I recall you said "see you bastards at baggage claim".
(cut to first class)
Rachel: Oh, did I tell you that I have to fly to Seattle next week for a conference? I'm gonna be gone for four days. You have to watch Caitlin.
Ross: Ok. But I always watch Caitlin when you're away. I don't see what the big deal is.
Rachel: Oh, I also spoke with my Mom and your parents and told them that you don't need help watching her next week. Monica and Phoebe are also busy.
Ross: Did I do something wrong?
Rachel: Yes you idiot! You've been having those guys watch Caitlin for you while I'm gone!
Ross: Did Phoebe tell you that?
Rachel: As a matter of fact she did!
Ross: Don't I get a court hearing before I'm proven guilty?
Rachel: You're gonna get a divorce court hearing if you keep it up!
Ross: Looks like I'm that much closer to marrying that 21 year-old.