THE ONE WITH THE LESSON IN TRUST
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are present)
Rachel: So have you spoken to Joey since the divorce became final?
Phoebe: Who's Joey?
Monica: You're gonna have to talk to him sooner or later Pheebs. You just can't keep him out of your life.
Phoebe: Watch me.
Joey: Hey ladies. How you doin?
Rachel: Hi Joey.
Monica: What's up Joe?
Phoebe (getting up to leave): Why don't you just go f^ck yourself Joe?
Joey: I love you too Phoebe. (to Rachel and Monica) At least she said something to me this time.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Rachel and Monica are present)
Joey: I don't get it. A month ago Phoebe and I were married and now she's telling me to go f^ck myself. What did I do wrong?
Rachel: You can't be serious?
Joey: Really, what did I do wrong?
Monica: You filed for divorce from Phoebe and you're sleeping with your attorney.
Joey: I am not sleeping with my attorney!
Monica: Oh, so she was just magically at your apartment when Phoebe came over to see you two weeks ago?
Joey: Yeah, but that's the last time I saw her. Adriana wanted a serious relationship and I just wanted to settle my bill with her. Is that wrong?
Rachel: You truly are a moron. Joey, Phoebe was in love with you. Now she can't stand the sight of you. What do you think is going on?
Joey: I think I did something to piss her off but I'm not sure what I did to deserve the way she's been treating me.
Monica: Well you better figure it out before it destroys whatever is left of your friendship with Phoebe. Are you ready to go Rachel?
Joey: Where're you going? You can't leave me here with my thoughts.
Rachel: One, with sex thoughts being the exception, you don't have any thoughts. And two, Monica and I are going to see her OBGY-N.
Joey: What's an OBGY-N?
Monica: That's what they call the doctor who monitors my pregnancy. And since the doctor takes a look at my body, you're not welcome.
Joey: I've seen you naked, it's not a pretty sight.
Monica: Yeah, keep it up Tribbiani and Phoebe won't be the only one telling you to go f^ck yourself.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Ross and Chandler are present)
Chandler: You're kidding me? You're really moving?
Ross: Monica didn't tell you? She found out like two weeks ago.
Chandler: Let's just say that communication isn't the strong point of our marriage.
Ross: It's not?
Chandler: No. Bickering and make-up sex are the foundations of our marriage.
Ross: That's a true recipe for a long marriage.
Chandler: We think so. So when are you guys moving?
Ross: Hopefully in a month or so. We're just waiting on our home loan. Actually, I have to go down to my loan broker's office. Wanna go?
Chandler: Will you buy me lunch?
Ross: Why should I buy you lunch? You make more money than me. If anyone should be buying lunch, it should be you.
Chandler: Yeah, but I'm incredibly cheap and I won't go with you unless you buy me lunch.
Ross: I'm getting a raw deal. At least when I buy Rachel lunch I'm guaranteed some kind of sexual favor in return.
Chandler: Are you saying you want to have sex with me?
Ross (realizing what he said): Nothing of the sort. I'll buy you lunch.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is present. Joey, carrying flowers, arrives at her door and knocks)
Phoebe: I'll be right there. I have to put a robe on.
Joey (to himself): I love when she cleans naked.
Phoebe (opening the door): Oh. It's you. What do you want?
Joey: I brought these for you.
Phoebe (taking the flowers): Thanks. (closes the door on Joey and tosses the flowers in the garbage)
Joey: Phoebe? Phoebe? Phoebe come on, open the door and talk to me.
Phoebe: Go away Joey. I don't want to see you. Why don't you go…..
Joey: I know, f^ck myself.
Phoebe: At least you're learning.
DR. KACZMAREK'S OFFICE (Monica and Rachel are waiting for Doctor Kaczmarek to return)
Monica: I hope everything's ok.
Rachel: Everything's gonna be fine.
Monica: I hope so. I'm just nervous. I don't wanna go through another miscarriage again. I barely survived.
Rachel: Mon, you're worrying too much. Last time you just got dealt a bad hand.
Monica: Yeah, you need to stop going to the Casinos with Ross.
(Doctor Kaczmarek enters)
Dr. Kaczmarek: Everything looks great. Do you want to know the sex?
Monica: You can tell already?
Dr. Kaczmarek: Yes. Would you like to know?
Monica: I'd love to but my husband isn't here.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Well we can wait until your next visit then.
Rachel: Wait. Can't they just call you later?
Dr. Kaczmarek: That would work too.
Monica: Ok, we'll call you.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Oh, one other thing. You might want to think about having a C-section instead of natural child birth.
Monica: Why's that?
Rachel: When's the last time you pushed a watermelon out your vagina? Let me tell ya, it’s no picnic.
Dr. Kaczmarek (to Rachel): You've obviously had a child.
Rachel: Yeah, almost three months ago.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Listen to your friend Monica, she knows what she's talking about.
Monica: I'll definitely think about it.
CMG MORTGAGE (Ross and Chandler are meeting with Ross's mortgage broker)
Ross: Hi, I'm here to see Melissa Palmer.
Receptionist: Can I ask who you are?
Ross: Ross Geller. I have an appointment.
Receptionist (on the phone): You have a Ross Geller here to see you. Ok. (to Ross) She'll be right with you. Have a seat.
Chandler: Is the same Melissa Palmer from college?
Ross: Yeah, why?
Chandler: I better go.
Ross: What did you do?
Chandler: It's not what I did, it's who I did and never called back.
Ross: You slept with Melissa? How in the hell did you pull that off? She was way out of your league.
Chandler: No one's out of anyone's league when you're both completely blitzed.
Ross: Hey Melissa. You remember my buddy Chandler right?
Melissa: Hey Chandler, how are you?
Chandler: I'm good. How are you doing?
Melissa: I'm fine. It's good to see you again.
Chandler: You too.
Ross: Shall we go discuss my loan?
Melissa: Yeah. Oh by the way Chandler, the phone number you gave me the day after we slept together was for the Kentucky Fried Chicken on Grant Street.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. I feel really sorry about that.
Melissa: It's ok. The number I gave you was for the Army. I figured maybe they could turn you into a man 'cause you sure didn't have me convinced that you were a man after the night we spent together.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Rachel and Monica are present)
Rachel: Looks like he's out.
Monica: Why is it every time I need him he's out doing something stupid?
Rachel: I told you not to marry Chandler.
Monica: You did not.
Rachel: Well I definitely told Phoebe. I must've figured that she'd say something to you.
Monica: She did.
Monica: Yeah, she said I was better off marrying Richard, at least he was a man.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is asleep on the couch. Joey arrives at her front door again. This time Joey has four pizzas)
Joey (VO): This will definitely get Phoebe talking to me again. I mean, who can resist two Joey specials. (Joey knocks on the door - no answer from Phoebe. Joey tries the door knob. The door is open. He lets himself in and finds Phoebe asleep on the couch). Great, I'll just sit here until she wakes up.
CMG MORTGAGE (Ross and Chandler are meeting with Ross's mortgage broker)
Ross: Where are interest rates today?
Melissa: That depends on the kind of loan that is right for you and Rachel. How long do you plan on living in the house?
Ross: Oh, we're never gonna leave this house. It's perfect for us.
Melissa: Then a thirty-year loan is right for you. Are you sure you won't be moving again?
Ross: I'm pretty sure.
Melissa: Ok. Interest rates on a thirty-year mortgage are at 6.625% at one point.
Ross: What does one point mean?
Chandler: It's what you get on your driving record after you get a speeding ticket.
Melissa (laughing): Now I remember why we ended up in bed together.
Chandler: Because I was funny?
Melissa: Could there be any other reason? It's not like you're attractive or anything.
Chandler: And I bet you're still wondering why I kept putting the pillow over your face while we were getting it on. You got hit by the ugly stick pretty hard yourself there missy.
Melissa: At least I don't have the stamina of a virgin!
Chandler: At least I'm not as flat as a board! Oklahoma has higher hills than you and the state doesn't have any hills.
Ross: Could we please get back to my mortgage?!
Melissa: Are you sure you're not gay?
Chandler: If I'm gay, then you’re a lesbian.
Melissa: Well I've got some news for you buster, you’re the last man I've ever slept with.
Chandler: Figures. Ugly people don't get much action.
Melissa: I've been sleeping with women exclusively since then. You were so bad in bed I figured that I was playing for the wrong team.
(Ross and Chandler sit in shock)
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Joey is sitting on a stool watching Phoebe sleep)
Joey (VO): How can I convince her that I still love her? I could take my clothes off and lie next to her. (pause) No, I can't do that. She'd have me arrested. I'll just sit here and watch her sleep. Man, she's so perfect. I really am a tool for letting her go. If I could only convince her that I really do love her.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica and Rachel are present)
Monica: By the way, where's Caitlin?
Rachel: My Mom is watching her. She was complaining that she doesn't get to spend enough time with her so Ross and I were more than happy to let her watch her today.
Monica: Do you like being a Mom?
Rachel: Yeah. It's the best. You're gonna love it.
Monica: I hope we have a girl so Caitlin has someone to play with.
Rachel: What if it's a boy?
Monica: Then he'll beat the living crap out of Caitlin.
Monica: I'm kidding Rach. I'm only kidding. If we have a boy then they'll play together until they're about 10 and then realize that they're supposed to despise one another until they're in the 20s.
Rachel: Sounds like you and Ross growing up.
Monica: It's exactly like Ross and I growing up. Oh, and why didn't you tell me that you're moving?
Rachel: You know? I mean what are you talking about?
Monica: I've known for two weeks. Why didn't you say anything?
Rachel: I wanted to make sure that we got our loan and everything. Ross went to see our mortgage broker this afternoon.
Monica: Chandler must have gone with Ross. But seriously Rach, you could've told me. It's not like I'd go and blab it to everyone.
Rachel: You're right. I'm sorry.
Monica: So what's the house like?
Rachel: It's in Scarsdale.
Monica: Would Ross live anywhere else?
Rachel: It's a four-bedroom house, two stories, and it has a huge backyard.
Monica: It sounds great. I can't wait to see it.
Rachel: The only bad thing is that it's gonna take me an hour to get to work now.
Monica: That does suck.
Rachel: And of course, we have to buy two new cars. I've got my sight set on a new BMW M3.
Monica: Aren't those like $65,000?
Rachel: Yeah, but Ross will buy it for me.
Monica: I should've married Ross.
Rachel: Well if you lived in Appalachia you could've.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Chandler are present)
Ross: You're never allowed to go anywhere with me again.
Chandler: Oh come on that was fun and you know it. I can't believe she's a lesbian.
Ross: Well at least I'm not alone now on converting a woman to lesbianism.
Chandler: I didn't convert Melissa. She made a lifestyle choice.
Ross: You slept with her and she hasn't slept with any men since. Face it, you converted her to lesbianism.
Chandler: Yeah about her last that comment that I have a small penis, that isn't true. Just ask Monica.
Ross: Ok, one, I'm not asking Monica anything 'cause I really don't care and two, I know that you had an enlargement done a couple of years ago so if you still have a small penis, then they really screwed up your surgery.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is still sleeping. Joey is eating the pizzas)
Joey (VO): I need a beer. (goes into the kitchen and knocks over some glasses which break on the floor, waking up Phoebe.) Crap!
Phoebe: Who's ever here better get out of here quickly because I have unagi!
Joey: It's only me Phoebe.
Phoebe: Well then "only me" better get the hell out of here because I have unagi!
Joey: No Pheebs, it's me, Joey.
Phoebe: What are you doing here?
Joey: I brought over two Joey specials. I figured you might be hungry.
Phoebe: I don't see any pizzas.
Joey: Well you were asleep for a long time so I ate them all.
Phoebe: You ate four pizzas by yourself?
Joey: Yeah, they were only large ones.
Phoebe (picking up the phone and dialing): What did you have on them?
Joey: There were two vegetarian pizzas and two pizzas with all meat. Who are you calling?
Phoebe: Your ride. (on the phone) Yes, I'd like to report a break-in. Yes he's still here. Ok. Thanks.
Joey: Seriously, who were you calling?
Phoebe: The police. You broke into my apartment. That's a crime.
Joey: The door was open!
Phoebe: Maybe so, but I didn't invite you in.
Joey (running for the door): You can't call the cops on me! I'm your husband!
Phoebe: No, you were my husband. I'd get out of here before the police show up.
Joey: You know what? I'm not going anywhere 'cause I don't think you called the police.
Phoebe: Suit yourself.
Joey: You really called them didn't you?
Phoebe: Maybe, maybe not. It's your call. You can stay and I can beat the living crap out of you or you can go and I can send the police to your apartment. It's pretty simple.
Joey: Like you could kick my ass.
Phoebe: Try me.
Joey: I think I'll go.
Phoebe: Are you going home?
Joey: Like I'm gonna tell you where I'm going. I maybe stupid but I'm not Chandler. If I tell you where I'm going you'll tell the cops where to find me.
Phoebe: I wouldn't do that to you sweetie.
Joey: Oh, in that case, yeah I'm going home. I'll see ya later Pheebs.
Phoebe (shutting the door): That was too easy.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica and Rachel are present)
Monica: Maybe I should just call Dr. Kaczmarek. She's gonna be going home soon and I wanna know the sex of the baby.
Rachel: Then call her. It's Chandler's fault that he decided that he wanted to skip your appointment today. We can just tell him that Dr. Kaczmarek let it slip it out.
Monica: That's a great idea. Where's the phone?
Rachel: Do I look like I still live here?
Monica: Even when you did live here you never knew where the phone was.
Rachel: That's because you were always on it.
(Chandler and Ross enter)
Chandler: Hey ladies.
Ross: Hey Rach, sorry we took so long but Chandler kept insulting Melissa.
Monica: Who's Melissa?
Ross: Our loan broker and an old conquest of Chandler's from our college days.
Monica: How's that possible? Chandler's only slept with five women in his entire life and I'd only give three of those women credence.
Chandler: For your information, Melissa and I hooked up after a heavy night of drinking.
Ross: Tell her the funny part.
Chandler: There is no funny part.
Ross: Yes there is, tell her.
Chandler: I'm telling you, there is no funny part.
Monica: What's the funny part Ross?
Ross: It seems that Chandler made Melissa a lesbian. According to Melissa, Chandler was so bad in bed that she hasn't slept with a man since then.
Rachel: He converted her to lesbianism?
Chandler: I did not! She made a lifestyle choice!
Monica: I know after the first time of sleeping with Chandler I wondered if I should've become a lesbian. He was absolutely awful.
Chandler: That's not what you said in London!
Monica: Relax Chandler, I'm only kidding.
Rachel (to Monica): Was he really that bad?
Chandler: I am not bad in bed!
Monica: You’ve definitely improved over our time together honey. You're up to a good ten minutes now. That's a great improvement from 45 seconds.
Ross: Anyway, what did you guys do today?
Monica: Oh yeah. Chandler, we can find out the sex of the baby if we want to know.
Chandler: I don't wanna know.
Monica: Well I'm calling anyway 'cause I wanna know (to Rachel) You were right, there was no point in waiting for Chandler.
Chandler: This is my child too and I don't wanna know the sex of the baby!
Monica: I won't tell you.
Rachel: Neither will I.
Ross: I could tell you but you don't listen to me anyway.
Monica (on the phone): Dr. Kaczmarek please. (pause) Monica Bing. (pause) Hi, Dr. Kaczmarek it's Monica Bing. (pause) I'm doing great. Yeah, I wanna know what the sex is. (pause) No, Chandler doesn't want to know. (pause) No, I really want to know. (pause) Great, thanks so much. I'll see you in a month. (pause) Yeah, goodbye.
Monica: Come in the bedroom and I'll tell you. Do you wanna know Ross?
Ross: Sure, why not.
Chandler: No way, you can't know if I don't know.
Ross: Why exactly?
Chandler: It's part of being a man. We don't keep secrets from one another.
Ross: That's part of being a woman Chandler, not a man.
(Ross joins Monica and Rachel in the bedroom)
Rachel: Just tell us!
Monica: It's a boy.
Monica: Yup. It's a boy.
Ross: That's great! Ben will have someone to teach how to do all the stupid stuff that boys do when they're growing up.
(Monica, Rachel and Ross emerge from the bedroom)
Chandler: So we're having a boy?
Monica: Maybe, maybe not. You're just gonna have to wait and see.
Rachel: Yup, all those long months ahead of not knowing, yeah, I'd hate to be you.
Chandler: So we're having a boy?
Ross: Why do you keeping asking that?
Chandler: 'Cause I had my ear to the door. So we're having a boy?
Monica: We're having a boy! Are you happy?
Chandler: We're having a boy! (They all join in a group hug)
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey is hiding out in his room. Phoebe comes to his door with two police officers)
Phoebe: This is the apartment officers. Do you want me to coax him out? He's probably hiding in his room.
Officer #1: I think we can handle it Ms. Buffay.
Officer #2: But it might be easier if we just let her drawn him out.
Officer #1: Are you not following my lead again? How many times do I have to tell you to follow my lead? Do you wanna run this arrest?
Officer #2: No sir, I was just saying….
Officer #1: Saying what?
Phoebe: Are you guys gonna keep arguing? I've got a Yoga class I that I have to get to.
Officer #1: We'll handle it Ms. Buffay. (he knocks on the door)
Joey (from inside): Who's there?
Officer #1: It's the police. We'd like to have a word with you for a minute Mr. Tribbiani.
(Chandler, Monica, Rachel and Ross emerge from Chandler and Monica's apartment)
Monica: What's going on Phoebe?
Phoebe: Joey's getting arrested for breaking and entering.
Rachel: Who's place did he break into?
Ross: And you're turning him in? Why are you being so mean?
Phoebe: Never, ever, cross Phoebe Buffay or you too will pay the price.
Chandler: Do you offer a 2 for 1 special? (everyone looks at Chandler) Ok, that one bombed.
Officer #2: Should I bust the door down?
Officer #1: No! You shouldn't do anything! You should go back to the academy. That's what you should do.
(Joey opens the door)
Joey: What can I do for you officers?
Officer #1: Are you Mr. Joseph Francis Tribbiani?
Joey: Last time I checked.
Officer #1 (to Phoebe): Is this the man that broke into your apartment?
Phoebe: That's him.
Officer #1: Mr. Tribbiani, you're under arrest for breaking and entering. You have the right to remain silent…..(reads Joey his rights)
Officer #2: Should I put the handcuffs on him?
Officer #1: Does he look dangerous? Go wait in the car! Rookies! I'm getting too old for this.
Joey: Thanks a lot Phoebe. I trusted you.
Phoebe: Now you know how it feels when someone breaks that trust.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe and Rachel are present)
Phoebe: Well I better go Rach.
Rachel: We just got here. Where're you going?
Phoebe: To bail out Joey.
Rachel: Are you sure that he's gonna wanna be bailed out by you?
Phoebe: Yeah. 'Cause deep down Joey knows that I still love him.
Rachel: You've got a funny way of showing it. If you had me arrested you'd be the last person I'd wanna see.
Phoebe: True. But Joey and I have a special relationship. I'll see you later. Wish me luck.
Rachel: God help us if those two get re-married and have children.