Episode 103 - TOW Joey's Ex-Wife Part I


Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from the TV show FRIENDS.

Joey Tribiani was sitting in his dressing room on the set of Days of Our Lives. He was reading through some of his fan mail, impressed by the dozens of lacy panties sent to him everyday. There was a knock on the door from the make-up artist, Paul.

Paul: Joey! Five minutes!

Joey: Okay, okay!

Joey put the letters and the panties down and looked into the mirror. He put on a charming smile and winked at himself in the mirror.

Joey: Go get 'em, Dr. Drake!

Joey walked to the door and opened it to find a woman standing there with her arms folded across her stomach, tapping her foot, and staring angrily at him. His eyes went wide and his throat went dry.

Joey: N . . . Nicole!

Nicole: That's right, Joey! You think that just a little divorce would keep me from finding you?

Joey: Uh . . . no?

Nicole: You're right! Get in that room.

Joey: But I have to . . .

Nicole: NOW!

Joey: Okay!

Joey hurried into the room and Nicole waddled in behind him and slammed the door. Joey looked around the room for an escape, but he was too late. Nicole was right in front of him before he could blink twice.

Joey: So . . . so . . . how have you been?

Nicole: Don't start with me Joey!

She pointed to her very large belly.

Nicole: Thanks to you, I'm going to have two more people to take care of. You expect me to be tied down with two babies? You divorced me and then left me pregnant!

Joey: What?! I didn't know you were . . . Oh my God! Is there anything I can do?

Nicole: Yeah. You can get me to the hospital before I have these babies right here!


Rachel: Come on, Ross! He's two weeks old and I haven't spent much time alone with him! You have an important meeting to go to. I'm sure a day with a baby won't be so bad. When will you be home? Five? Six?

Ross: Midnight.

Rachel: Oh . . . well, it won't be so bad. I need the practice, honey!

Ross: Fine . . . but if you need any help, ask Monica or Phoebe or something, okay?

Rachel: I will. I promise.

Ross kissed Rachel goodbye left the apartment. Rachel sighed happily and walked to baby Ben's nursery.

Rachel: Piece of cake.

A wail shattered through the silence and Rachel jumped. She hurried over to the crib and picked up the baby boy. She carried him out into the living room and looked out the window, over to Chandler and Monica's apartment. Monica was holding Katie as she stood on the terrace. Rachel waved through the window and Monica saw her and waved back. Rachel smiled and took the crying boy over to the changing table and slowly changed his diaper, dodging a warm spray. She put a fresh diaper on him and put him in a new outfit.

Rachel: Let's go say hi to Aunt Monica!

Rachel put the baby down in his stroller and covered him with a blanket. With that, she headed out of the apartment.


Joey was standing in the waiting room, not believing that he was going to be a father. One moment he was regular, single Joey. The next, he was a divorced father with twins on the way.

Why was this all happening to him so fast? He remembered the day he married Nicole. They were both drunk off their asses and they decided it'd be fun to get married. So, they found a justice of the peace and they were married. But in the morning, after the alcohol wore off, they realized what'd happened and they ended up getting a divorce. Joey never told anyone about it, but it had happened nine months ago. Now, one night of drunken stupidity lead to this moment and he was going to be a father for the rest of his life.

A nurse came out of the back and looked at Joey.

Nurse: Mr. Tribiani?

Joey: Uh . . . that's me.

Nurse: You're ex-wife is about to deliver.

Joey: Oh . . . okay . . .

Nurse: She says that she doesn't want you back there . . . but you can come out and wait outside the door.

Joey: You sure about that?

Nurse: Yeah. Come on.

Joey: Okay . . .

Joey followed the nurse back into the hall and she pointed to a chair outside of the delivery room. He sat down shakily and the nurse disappeared back into the room.

Joey saw a payphone on the wall and he walked over to it. He dialed Phoebe's phone number and she answered quickly.

Phoebe: Hello?

Joey: Hey Pheebs.

Phoebe: Joey. Hey. Something wrong?

Joey: Yeah. Uh . . . Could you do me a favor?

Phoebe: Joey!

Joey: No . . . a REAL favor, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Okay . . . well, what is it?

Joey: I need you to come to the hospital. I just need someone here with me.

Phoebe: Is something wrong?

Joey: Yeah. You could say that.

Phoebe: Do you want me to bring anyone else?

Joey: No. Just you, okay?

Phoebe: Okay. I'll see you in a few minutes.

Phoebe hung up and Joey sat back down in the chair, putting his head in his hands.


Rachel was holding Ben and Monica was holding Katie as they sat out on the terrace on this warm day.

Monica: Last night, Chandler told me that he wants another baby.

Rachel: Oh my God! What did you say?

Monica: I told him that if he ever wants to have more children again, he'll give me at least another year or two before we have another. Because I don't want to have to babies at one time.

Rachel: Like me?

Monica: Oh. I'm sure it's gonna be a cinch for you!

Rachel rolled her eyes.

Rachel: Monica. When I have this baby, Ben isn't even going to be a year old. Ross is excited and I'm fine because it's my first baby. But, I don't want things to be so hard! I don't want to . . . I don't like having so much responsibility.

Monica: Well, it's life, Rachel. Get used to it.

Rachel sighed and rocked Ben back and forth in her arms. She looked over the city and wondered what it would be like to be single with not worries. She couldn't remember that. She had been with Ross for awhile now and it seemed like a dream. Ross was so wonderful and little Ben was great. But was she even ready for the responsibility of motherhood to a second child?

Rachel: Do you think that I'm doing okay with Ben?

Monica: Yeah. You're doing fine. And Katie loves you so much too!

Rachel smiled.

Monica: And Frank and Alice's quintuplets love you too!

Rachel: I guess so. I'm just not sure I'm ready for another baby.

Monica: Well, you are going to keep it, right?

Rachel: Of course I am. It's just scary right now. That's all.

Monica: Well, I promise, Rachel. I was scared at first too, with Katie, and now I'm thrilled to be a mother. You're going to be great. I promise.

Chandler: Monica?

Chandler had just gotten home from work and he was carrying a big stuffed animal that looked like a lion.

Monica and Rachel walked back into the apartment and looked at Chandler.

Monica: What is it, honey?

Chandler: Do you think this would scare Katie or do you think she'd like it?

Monica: I don't know. Let's see.

Monica held Katie up to see the stuffed animal clearly and the baby began screaming at the top of her lungs.

Chandler: Okay then . . .

Monica looked at Rachel.

Monica: Chandler's trying to get her the perfect toy, but she's afraid of everything he brings home.

Rachel: Why don't you just try a rattle? I mean, all babies love, rattles don't they?

Monica: Yeah. But Katie broke all of hers and she cries when she hears the beads rolling around in there.

Rachel: Really? Katie takes after her dad, doesn't she?

Chandler: I resent that.

Rachel: Here. I'll take Katie to the store with you and Monica and we can let her pick it out.

Monica: She's three months old.

Rachel: Mon, you were picking out your favorite snack foods by the time you were her age. Maybe she takes after you.

Monica: Fine. Let's go to the baby store.


Phoebe walked into the emergency room, where Joey had decided to meet her. She hurried over to him.

Phoebe: Oh my God! Joey, what's going on here?

Joey: Phoebe, this is serious.

Phoebe: Okay. Seriously . . .what's going on here?

Joey: Phoebe, I'm . . . just follow me.

Joey led Phoebe to the hall where the delivery rooms were. Phoebe was a little confused.

Phoebe: Are you trying to pick up a pregnant woman?

Joey: No . . .

The nurse walked back out into the hallway carrying two bundles.

Phoebe: Oh! Look how cute!

Joey: Uh . . .

Nurse: Mr. Tribiani, say hello to your twin daughters.

Joey sat down quickly.

Joey: Oh my God.

Phoebe: OH MY GOD!

Nurse: I have a couple of things I need to go over with you.

Phoebe: What's that?

Nurse: With him.

Joey: What do you want to know?

Nurse: Well, the mother says she doesn't want them. She doesn't want to be reminded of a mistake that she made nine months ago. So, she said to either give them to you or give them up for adoption. It's up to you, Mr. Tribiani. Do you want to hold them?

Joey: Okay . . .

The nurse handed both babies to Joey and he held one in each arm.

Nurse: I'll be back out in a few minutes to speak with you.

Joey nodded and the nurse went back in to be with Nicole.

Phoebe: Joey . . . you're a father.

Joey: I know . . .

Phoebe: How did this happen? Well, I know HOW it happened . . .but whom with?

Joey: My ex-wife . . .

Phoebe: Whoa! Ex-wife?!

Joey: I was married one night nine months ago and she came back today and told me she was pregnant . . . and then she had these babies. We were divorced after we woke up the next morning though, Phoebe, I swear.

Phoebe: I believe you. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna keep them? Cause, Joey, you know . . .you're so young and you're single and you live by yourself. You don't have any baby stuff.

Joey: I know . . .but look at them, Phoebe. Look at them! They look like me . . . don't they?

Phoebe: Yeah. Everything from the dark hair to the nose. They are you, Joey.

Joey: I don't want some strangers to raise my kids.

Phoebe: But you're not prepared!

Joey: Are you trying to talk me out of it?

Phoebe: No! I'm just trying to help you make the right decision.

Joey: Well . . . I'm gonna need a little help, but I'm gonna keep them.

Phoebe: You're serious?

Joey nodded.

Joey: Yeah. Why not? I can be a dad. I'm an actor . . . I can do anything!

Phoebe giggled.

Phoebe: Okay. Well, I'll help you out then. I've only got the quintuplets on the weekends, so there are five other days of the week that I'm not busy.

Joey laughed.

Joey: Thanks Pheebs. Hey, uh, can you do me another favor?

Phoebe: Sure.

Joey: Go to the store and buy some baby stuff.

Phoebe: Okay. But you're gonna owe me.

Joey: I know. I'll pay you back. I swear.

Phoebe: Okay. I'll be back later.


Monica, Rachel, and Chandler came through the door with baby Ben and baby Katie.

Monica: Who knew that her favorite toy would be a rattle . . . without beads.

Rachel: I just think she likes the colors. I don't think she liked the blue rattles. I think it offended her.

Monica: Well, we had them left over because we had a feeling the baby might be a boy.

Rachel: I'm sure that offended her too.

Monica: Fine. She can have her pink rattle . . .

Rachel: Okay. I'm gonna go back home and take care of Ben. I've got him to myself until midnight, so I better take him home and put him to bed.

Monica: Okay. Call if you need anything.


Rachel walked into the apartment with Ben in his stroller. She picked him up and took him to the nursery. She was about to put him down when he spit up all over her. She cringed and took him to the bathroom to clean him and herself up.

Rachel: And so it begins.


Phoebe walked into the hospital again, just as Joey was signing release papers. The babies were fine and the doctor didn't see any reason they should have to stay any longer. They were just a few hours old and Joey was about to take them home.

Phoebe: Joey!

Joey: Hey Pheebs.

Phoebe was pushing a twin stroller, carrying a pink diaper bag, and there were two balloons tied to the handles of the stroller. They both said: IT'S A GIRL! Joey smiled.

Joey: Thank you.

Phoebe: Anytime. Where are they at?

Joey: They're still in the nursery. Do they have car seats?

Phoebe: Yeah. They're out in my grandmother's yellow taxi. They're the kind that you can also use to carry the baby in when you're walking around a store or something. I thought . . . convenience.

Joey: I can't believe I'm a dad . . .

Phoebe: Have you named them yet?

Joey: No. But they want me to name them before I leave. I don't know what to name them, Phoebe!

Phoebe: Well, we need something that will go with Tribiani.

Joey: Yeah . . .

Phoebe: OOH! I've got it! Phoebe!

Joey: Phoebe Tribiani?

Phoebe: Hey, it has a nice ring to it.

Joey: Yeah . . . but it would be confusing. I was thinking something along the lines of . . . Isabella . . .

Phoebe: Oh! Isabella Tribiani! How sweet! You could call her Bell for short!

Joey: That's a good idea. Or Izzy Tribiani.

Phoebe: I like it!

Joey: I think that Isabel Tribiani would be cute to call her too.

Phoebe: Yeah, but Isabella is a lot cuter!

Joey: But then, the kid would have to write that out in kindergarten.

Phoebe: True . . . very true . . .

Joey: What about Lucy?

Phoebe: I like that! It's an adorable name!

Joey: I like it too. Lucy Isabella Tribiani.

Phoebe: Nice!

Joey: What about the other baby though?

Phoebe: Oh that's right. You have two! Okay . . . well, Lucia? It's Italian! Lucia Tribiani.

Joey: Lucia Maria Tribiani. You just helped me name my kids! Thanks Phoebe!

Phoebe grinned.

Phoebe: No problem. Now let's go get those babies.