Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Rachel is present)

Joey: I miss Hugsy.

Ross: Who’s Hugsy?

Joey: My penguin bedtime pal.

Chandler: How old are you?

Monica: Leave him alone Chandler. You still sleep with your pal.

Chandler: Who?

Monica: Me.

Chandler: Not for much longer.

Phoebe: What happened to Hugsy Joey?

Joey: Someone stole him!

Chandler: Who would steal Hugsy?

Joey: That’s what I’d like to know.

Ross: Maybe it was a lonesome polar bear named Bugsy who stole Hugsy.

Joey: I think I’d know if a polar bear was in my apartment Ross.

Phoebe: Maybe Hugsy was lonesome and wanted to return to the South Pole. So he got up in the middle of the night, kissed you goodbye and made his way back to the South Pole.

Joey: Now that’s something that definitely could’ve happened.

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)

(Rachel comes storming in)

Rachel: Guess what? Guess what?

Chandler: You‘ve just been retaining water and you‘re not really pregnant?

Ross: Dude, don’t make pregnant jokes, she really hates them.

Rachel: I’m going to San Francisco for a grand opening.

Ross: Great, when do we leave?

Rachel: I leave tomorrow. You’re staying here.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: You’re not going.

Ross: Why not?

Rachel: You aren‘t allowed.

Monica: Damn, I wanted to go too.

Rachel: You can come Mon. It’ll be fun.

Ross: You’re taking Monica and not me?

Rachel: Ok, which part of not being able to come did you not understand?

Ross: But you’re taking Monica.

Rachel: Yes, she’s my sister-in-law, she is allowed to go.

Chandler: Can your brother-in-law go too?

Rachel: He could if he was invited.

Chandler: You’re a mean sister-in-law!

Phoebe: Can I come?

Rachel: Sure. We’ll make it a girls only trip.

Ross: Now Phoebe can go? Who made these stupid rules at your company?

Rachel: I did.

Joey: Can I go? I’m not working this week. My character’s recovering from the Ebola virus.

Rachel: Sorry Joey, no penises allowed. It’s a girls only trip.

Joey: Damn, I knew having a penis was gonna come back to haunt me.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (The girls are getting ready to leave and the guys are seeing them off)

Ross: Next time, us guys are taking a trip and you girls won’t be invited.

Rachel: Good, plan that trip real soon. I could use a vacation.

Phoebe: Are you gonna kiss me goodbye Joey?

Joey: Can I use tongue?

Phoebe: I wouldn’t expect anything less. (Joey and Phoebe start making out)

Rachel: I thought those two broke up.

Ross: It’s Phoebe and Joey, does anything ever make any sense?

Monica: Goodbye honey.

Chandler: See ya Mon.

Monica: Aren’t you gonna kiss me goodbye?

Chandler: Do I have too?

Monica: Ok, we’ve been married too long already. Get over here and kiss me goodbye!

Chandler: With tongue?

Monica: Don’t even think about it.

Ross: Goodbye Rach. Stay safe.

Rachel: Bye honey. I promise to take you on the next trip.

Ross: I love you.

Rachel: I love you too. Now give me some loving. (Rachel kisses Ross)

Ross: I can’t believe you guys are gonna leave the three of us alone to our own devices.

Phoebe: Yeah, just stay out of my apartment, my devices would throw you guys for a loop.

Rachel: It’s a matter of trust Ross. A matter of trust.

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey is looking for Hugsy. Chandler and Ross are just watching him)

Joey: Here Hugsy, here Hugsy.

Chandler: If Hugsy answers Joey I’m running through that door.

Ross: Not if I beat you to it.

Joey: Man, do you really think he left for the South Pole?

Ross: Joey, Hugsy is a stuffed animal. I seriously doubt he has the capacity to get up and walk out of here. Heck, he doesn’t even have thumbs, he couldn’t even open the door if he tried.

Joey: That’s a mean thing to say! Hugsy could too walk. I’ve seen him do it.

Chandler: Did you happen to be smoking pot at the time?

Joey: Yeah, so?

Ross: Point proven Chandler.

Chandler: Did you check the spare bedroom?

Joey: Twice.

Chandler: Maybe Courteney stole him.

Joey: Nah, I had him with me when Courteney took all my stuff. Besides, I had him just the other day when I was napping on the couch.

Ross: Well as much fun as this is, we have to do something. The girls are gone for three days and we can do whatever we want.

Joey: Ah, I do whatever I want whenever I want already.

Chandler: Yes, but for Ross and me this is a special event. The chains went away and the balls want to play.

Ross: Are you sure you’re not gay?

Chandler: Why does everyone always ask me that?!

Joey: Hugsy!

Ross: You found him?

Joey: Oops, it’s just a big rat.

SAN FRANCISCO - VICTORIA SECRET OFFICES (Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are present)

Rachel: My west coast counterpart is supposed to be here somewhere. Oh, here’s her office right here. You guys hang out here. I’ll come get you in a minute.

Phoebe: Can I roam around?

Rachel: No. Stay with Monica.

Monica: Great, you brought me to play mother to Phoebe.

Rachel: I didn’t think you’d mind.

Phoebe: Funny, I’m the oldest one here and I’m the one that you have to watch.

(Rachel enters)

Rachel: Kitty?

Kitty: Yes, you must be Rachel.

Rachel: It’s me.

Kitty: How was your flight?

Rachel: Great. The hotel ain’t that bad either.

Kitty: Where are you staying?

Rachel: The Marriot on 4^th Street.

Kitty: Nice. Did you bring your husband?

Rachel: No, I made him stay home. I brought my girlfriends.

Kitty: So you’re into swinging both ways.

Rachel: No, I brought my girl friends. My old roommate Monica and our friend Phoebe. They’re right outside, do you want to meet them?

Kitty: Sure.

Rachel: I’ll go get them. (Rachel goes to the door) Guys, come on in.

(Monica and Phoebe enter)

Monica: Wow! Look at this view, you can see the Golden Gate Bridge from here.

Phoebe: Hi, I’m Phoebe Buffay, Rachel’s lesbian partner.

Rachel: Phoebe! Knock it off!

Phoebe: What? Isn’t this San Francisco? Isn’t everyone gay? I was just trying to fit in.

Kitty: Hi, I’m Kitty McCormick. And no, not everyone here in San Francisco is gay.

Monica: Hi, I’m Monica Bing.

Kitty: Bing is your last name?

Monica: Unfortunately, yes.

Kitty: So is this your first time to San Francisco?

Monica/Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: No, I lived here in the 1970s.

Monica: You did?

Phoebe: There’s so much that you don’t know.

Ross: Oh my God, I never realized this but you can totally see into my bedroom.

Joey: Yeah I know. There have been many nights when I haven’t been able to sleep where I knew the Geller’s would be there to put on a show.

Ross: You watched us have sex?!

Joey (lying): No! I’m not some peeping tom.

Chandler (to Ross): You should get blinds for that window.

Joey: Then what am I gonna watch when I can’t sleep?

Chandler: Let’s go to Atlantic City.

Ross: Ah, why?

Chandler: We could have group sex.

Joey: Ok, it’s comments like that that make people think you’re gay.

Chandler: Why else would we go to Atlantic City?

Ross: To see shows?

Chandler: Ok, how much of a man are you? To gamble you idiot.

Ross: How’d we get there?

Joey: Phoebe’s cab.

Ross: I could afford to gamble $20.

Chandler (to Joey): Do you have more than $20?

Joey: Dude, I‘ve got my credit card. Who needs money?

SAN FRANCISCO - VICTORIA SECRET OFFICES (Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are present. Rachel’s counterpart, Kitty is on the phone)

Kitty: Ok, thanks for letting me know. (hangs up the phone) Damn it.

Rachel: What’s the matter?

Kitty: Two of my models came down with the Flu and I don’t have any replacements.

Phoebe: Monica and I’ll do it.

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: I always wanted to be a model. This seems like a good chance to fulfill that dream.

Kitty: Well Phoebe, you’re gonna get your shot.

Monica: What about me?

Kitty: I’m sorry Monica, but you’re too fat.

Monica: Too fat?

Kitty: Yes, I‘m afraid so.

Monica: How can I be too fat? I’m 5’4” and 103 pounds. If I was any thinner, you wouldn’t be able to see me!

Kitty: I was kidding. You‘ve got the job.

ATLANTIC CITY - BELLAGIO HOTEL (Chandler, Ross and Joey are present. They are gambling. Chandler approaches Ross who is at a Blackjack table)

Chandler: How are you doing?

Ross: I dunno. I think I’m up three grand.

Chandler (excited): You’re up $3,000?!

Ross: Dude, chill out or you’re gonna jinx me!

Dealer: Sir, do you wanna hit or not?

Ross: Hit me.

Dealer: Sorry, that’s twenty three.

Ross (to Chandler): See what I mean? You’re bad luck. Get out of here. Go find Joey or something.

Joey (to the Waitress): How you doin?

Waitress: From the look of your stack of chips, better than you are honey. Do you want a drink or not?

Joey: Do we have to pay for them?

Waitress: No.

Joey: Then I’ll take a six pack of Bud Light.

(Chandler approaches)

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Did you know that they give out free alcohol here?

Chandler: Yeah. Their goal is to get you drunk so you spend all your money gambling.

Joey: What a concept! I do the same thing to my dates except that I get them drunk so they’ll sleep with me. They should do that with the waitresses here.

Chandler: How are you fairing?

Joey: I down about five grand.

Chandler: You’ve lost $5,000? Are you crazy?

Joey: Dude don‘t worry about it, I have still got $3,000 left in cash advances on my credit card.

Chandler: You do realize that you have to pay that money back.

Joey: I do?

Chandler: Ah, yeah. That’s why they’re called cash advances.

Joey: Oh no. I don’t five grand lying around. Chandler, yeah, it’s all your fault!

Chandler: What did I do?

Joey: You made me lose all my money! (looks at his cards- he has a Royal Flush) But I think I’m gonna win it all back right here.

SAN FRANCISCO - VICTORIA’S SECRET GRAND OPENING (Monica and Phoebe are backstage)

Monica: I am so nervous I could throw up.

Phoebe: That’s what the other models are doing. Go for it, you’ll fit right in.

(Rachel enters)

Rachel: Are you guys ready?

Monica: I don’t know about this.

Rachel: What’s the matter?

Monica: What’s the matter? This is what’s the matter. (Monica drops her robe and is dressed in a lingerie) I feel completely naked.

Rachel: Well of course you do, your boob is hanging out. (Monica covers up her chest)

Monica: I am not!

Rachel: Just joking. You look great.

Phoebe: How do I look?

Rachel: Like you’ve been an underwear model all your life.

Phoebe (to Monica): Just follow me, you’ll do great.

(Kitty enters)

Kitty: Ok ladies, it’s show time. Underwear models are first, then the lingerie models and finally the fully clothed models.

Phoebe: Wow, it’s like all the stages in dressing yourself.

Kitty: That’s the plan.

Monica: Except I don’t wear heels when I’m dressed in lingerie.

Phoebe: That’s because you’ve never been in a porno.

Monica: You haven’t either!

Phoebe: Yes, but my twin sister was in one and you know what they say about twins….

Rachel: That they’re both are lunatics. Now go get into position!

Phoebe (to Monica): Geez, she’s really mean as a boss.

ATLANTIC CITY - BELLAGIO HOTEL (Chandler, Ross and Joey are present. They are walking back to the car)

Joey: Man, what time is it? I am so tired and hung over.

Chandler: That’s because it’s five in the morning.

Joey: Then why in the hell are we driving back to the City?

Chandler: Because Dr. Geller is too cheap to get a room and he wants to sleep in his warm bed.

Ross: How much money did you win Joey?

Joey: Five grand. How’d you do?

Ross: I turned my $20 into 20 grand.

Joey: You’re kidding me? And you won‘t spring for a hotel room? You are a cheap bastard.

Ross: What can I say? I played blackjack all night and I kicked some serious ass. I just kept doubling my money. I guess Rach and I are going to go to Hawaii now. How’d you do Chandler?

Chandler: I don’t wanna talk about it.

Joey: Come on, how much did you win?

Chandler: It’s not how much I won, it’s how much I lost.

Ross: How much did you lose?

Chandler: $4,000.

Ross: That’s nothing to be ashamed about. So you had a bad night. Heck, you got to gamble for ten hours straight.

Chandler: You don’t understand. It was Monica and I’s vacation fund. She’s gonna kill me. I should have never let you guys talk me into going.

Ross: It was your idea!

Chandler: Maybe it was, but when Monica gets home, it was all your guys’ idea.

SAN FRANCISCO - MARRIOT HOTEL (The girls have gathered in Rachel’s room)

Monica: That was so much fun. I have to do that again!

Rachel: You were totally graceful. You were like a natural up there.

Phoebe: Can we talk about something else please?

Rachel: Aw, Pheebs. It wasn’t that bad.

Phoebe: It wasn’t that bad? I fell flat on my face! My boob popped out and my underwear took a trip into my crack!

Rachel: I really don’t think anyone noticed.

Phoebe: No, that man telling his wife that she should pierce her nipples too wasn’t embarrassing at all.

Monica: I wonder what the guys are doing.

Rachel: It’s morning time in New York, we should call them. (picks up the phone and dials) They’re probably still asleep.

Phoebe: I’ll never be able to show myself in this town again.

Monica: So you fell, it’s not that big of a deal. Besides, you handled it gracefully.

Phoebe: I just wanted for once not to screw up.

Rachel (on the phone): Hi Ross, it’s me. If you’re there pick up the phone. (pause) I guess he’s still sleeping.

Monica: They probably stayed up really late and partied last night.

Rachel: This is Ross we’re talking about.

Monica: Yeah, but he was with Joey and Chandler.

Rachel: True.

Phoebe: Are you guys ready to go?

Rachel: Pheebs, it’s four in the morning, where are we going?

Phoebe: Isn’t our flight in two hours?

Rachel: That’s tomorrow, not today.

Phoebe: But isn’t today tomorrow?

Rachel: Huh?

Monica: Pheebs, we’re staying here tonight and then leaving tomorrow.

Phoebe: I know, today’s tomorrow already.

Monica: Ok, have you been drinking again?

Phoebe: No. Look, we got here yesterday, today’s today, and tomorrow’s tomorrow. It’s all very simple.

Rachel: Phoebe, it’s late and I’m tired. Go to your room and go to bed. I promise that we won’t leave you here.

Phoebe: But….

Rachel: Trust me. Our flight is on Sunday. Today is only Saturday.

Phoebe: Well why didn’t you tell me that before I had to explain myself?

SOMEWHERE ON THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE (Ross, who’s driving, has been pulled over. Chandler and Joey are asleep in the back of the cab)

Ross: Good morning officer. Can I help you?

Officer: License and registration please.

Ross: Here you go.

Officer: Are you Phoebe Buffay?

Ross: Do I look like a girl?

Officer: Answer the question son.

Ross: No officer, I’m not.

Officer: Step out of the car please.

Ross: Ok. (gets out)

Officer: Turn around son and place you’re hands on the hood of the car.

Ross: Why?

Officer (handcuffing Ross): You under arrest for grand theft auto.

Ross: What?

Officer: This vehicle was reported stolen twelve hours ago in New York City.

Ross: But it’s our friend’s vehicle. She lets us borrow it all the time!

Officer: Tell it to the judge. (walks over to the car) Hey! Hey!

Chandler: Shut up Joey! I’m trying to sleep!

Joey: Dude, I didn’t say anything!

Officer (opening the car door): Let’s go girls, out of the car.

Chandler: What‘s going on? (sees Ross in the back of the police car) Oh sh%t!

Joey: Are we going to jail?

Officer: Yes son. You are going to jail.

Joey: Well that’s one place I didn’t think I was gonna spend my weekend.