THE ONE WITH MAY 2nd, 2000
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Everyone but Rachel is present)
Joey: Well today is the day.
Chandler: For what?
Joey: They're renegotiating everyone's contracts on the show. I'm in line for a huge raise.
Phoebe: Or they could cut your salary.
Joey: They wouldn't do that, would they?
Ross: It's possible but highly unlikely. Don't they consider your character central to the show?
Joey: Ah, what? Ok, that made absolutely no sense to me.
Monica: Having problems with the English language again Joe?
Monica: And they gave you your high school diploma anyway?
Ross: Yes, another positive sign of the decline of the importance of education in this country.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica is cleaning the kitchen as Rachel enters)
Monica (not looking up): Hi honey.
Rachel: Are you ready to get naked?!
Monica: Sure…..Rachel! What are you doing here?
Rachel: I have today off. What are you doing?
Monica: What else do I do when no one else is around? Where’s Caitlin?
Rachel: She's with your Mom.
Monica: It’s funny, my Mom spends more time toting on her grandkids then she did me my entire childhood.
Rachel: At least your mother paid some attention to you, I was raised by a Nanny. Wanna grab some lunch?
Monica: Yeah, I do.
Rachel: Great, you're buying.
TOYS R US (Chandler and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: Thanks so much for taking me to work today.
Chandler: Sure, not a problem. Now what do we say if someone asks who you are?
Phoebe: I'm Regina Filange, Chandler's 23 year-old niece.
Chandler: Ok. Here comes Jenna.
Jenna: Good morning Chandler.
Chandler: Good morning Ms. Eddy.
Jenna: What's with the Ms. Eddy crap boss man?
Chandler: Sorry, I was just trying to impress my niece. Jenna, this is Regina, Regina, Jenna.
Phoebe: Nice to meet you.
Jenna: Is this your wife?
Phoebe: No. I'm his niece.
Jenna: Aren't you a little old to be his niece?
Phoebe (mad): Aren't you a little young to be such a…..
Chandler: Regina, would you please go get me some coffee?
Jenna: So Chandler, are we still on for lunch later?
Chandler: Sure. Phoe….I mean Regina is only here for the morning. She's playing golf this afternoon.
Jenna: I'd sure love to play a little golf with you someday.
Chandler: Yeah, it's too bad that I'm married. (Phoebe returns)
Jenna: Never stopped me from going for the hole-in-one before. Think about it boss man. (Chandler stares at Jenna as she walks away. Phoebe hits Chandler in the head)
Chandler: Ow! What the hell was that for?
Phoebe: You're a married man, stop thinking cheating thoughts.
Chandler: I was not imagining myself with her.
Phoebe: Tell that to the thing in your pants. It's standing at attention.
THE BISTRO (Monica and Rachel are eating lunch)
Rachel: You're really starting to show.
Monica: I'm gonna look like a stick with big lump in it.
Rachel: Two big lumps.
Rachel: Honey, for a woman as thin as you, you have rather large breasts
Monica: Your breasts are bigger then mine!
Rachel: Yes, but I've had a child hanging from both of my nipples for three months now.
THE SET OF GENERAL HOSPITAL (Joey is talking with one of the Producers)
Joey: Today's the big day.
Producer: For what?
Joey: Aren't they re-negotiating the cast's contracts today?
Producer: No, only the stars.
Joey: So when is it my turn?
Producer: You're not considered an "A" character Joey, so don't get your hopes up.
Joey: You're not saying I'm a star?! I'm a huge star in Zimbabwe! They love me there! And don't forget Norway, the chicks dig me in Norway! I even have my own personal fan club there!
THE BISTRO (Rachel and Monica are still talking)
Monica: Do you ever get bored?
Rachel: I get bored all the time. I do live with Mr. Unexcitement after all.
Monica: Do you ever get bored of life?
Rachel: Ok, what's going on? You're not gonna go jump off the roof or anything are you?
Monica: No! It's just lately I've been feeling lonely. Chandler's been working late and when he comes home we don't do anything sexually because I don't feel like it.
Rachel: Honey, your brother and I had some of the best sex when I was pregnant. You just have to get creative.
Monica: Yeah, I guess. Great, here comes our food.
TOYS R US (Phoebe and Chandler are present)
Phoebe: I can't believe you! You were totally flirting with Jenna!
Chandler: I was not! I was just being friendly.
Phoebe: You wanted to be friendly all over her body.
Chandler: I told her that I was married, what more do you want from me?
Phoebe: Not getting excited when you see her would be a great start. I can't wait to tell Monica about this.
Chandler (uneasy): There's, there's, there's no need to tell Monica. Why does Monica need to know? I'm not doing anything wrong. Yeah, it's all innocent fun.
(Donna, Chandler's boss enters)
Donna: Chandler, I…..oh I didn't see you had company.
Chandler: Donna, this is my……
Donna: You're Regina Filange right?
Phoebe: Yeah, I dated your daughter briefly.
Donna: It's nice to see you again. Anyway Chandler, I need you and Ms. Eddy to work some overtime this week. We have to finish the same store inventory analyses before the end of the week.
Chandler: Ah, that's not really my department.
Donna: I realize that, but Ms. Eddy asked for your assistance personally.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, Monica's gonna like this.
THE SET OF GENERAL HOSPITAL (Joey is throwing a fit)
Joey: I'm not an important character?! Half the cast would be dead if it weren't for my character's work. I'm the babe magnet on this show!
Producer: Calm down Joey. I'll see what I can do.
Joey: That's right. You see what you can do! I deserve a raise! A big one! Like from $10/hr to $20/hr!
Producer: Joey, you make $3,000 an episode which is a lot more than $20/hr.
Joey: So I'm not good at math! I want at least $6,000 an episode.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross is talking with some woman on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter)
Ross: How long were you in the Serengeti?
Woman: Three weeks. We were looking for lion prides.
Ross: Did you find any?
Woman: About seven or eight.
Ross: Sounds great.
Woman: It was, it was too bad my boyfriend, I mean ex-boyfriend, backed out of the trip. It was real lonely being the only single female there.
Ross: Hey Rach. (back to the woman) So you're not seeing anyone right now? (Rachel whacks Ross in the head) Ow! What was that for?
Woman: Do you know her?
Ross: Yeah, that's my wife Rachel. (realizing he's in trouble) Oh sh%t…..
Woman: Hi Rachel, I'm Laurie, Laurie Pitto.
Rachel: Rachel Geller. It's nice to meet you. This is my sister-in-law Monica Bing.
Monica: Hey, how ya doing?
Laurie: Well it was nice talking with you Ross. Take Care. (to Rachel and Monica) Nice meeting you both.
Rachel: So this is what you normally do when I'm at work? Sit around and talk to beautiful young ladies at Central Perk?
Ross: Well you see, I meet them first, and then I take them back to our place and have sex with them over and over again.
Rachel: That's not even funny.
Ross: I think it's quite hysterical. (Rachel glares at Ross) Ok, maybe it's not funny at all.
CENTRAL PERK (The next day Monica, Ross, Rachel, Caitlin, and Joey are present)
Monica: So how are the salary negotiations going Joe?
Joey: They weren't gonna give me a raise so I threw a fit.
Rachel: And they're gonna give you a raise now?
Joey: I'll find out by, by, whenever they want to deal with me.
Ross: Why do you have to wait?
Joey: They need to see if there's enough money in the budget left after they give all of the "A" list stars a raise.
Ross: You're not on the "A" list?
Joey: Hell I didn't even know there was a list. All I know is that after I told them that I was a huge star in Zimbabwe and Norway, they were listening to my demands. I should be number one on their lists now!
Monica: You need a new agent Joey. You need a big-time agent, someone like Michael Ovitz.
Joey: Thanks Mon, but I don't the rabbi from your synagogue can get me a better deal than Estelle.
(Chandler and Phoebe enter)
Phoebe: Hello my good looking friends.
Ross: Are you feeling ok Phoebe?
Phoebe: I'm fine. Chandler's the one in hot water.
Monica: Why is he in hot water? Did you get fired again?
Chandler: No! No! Phoebe's just smoking pot again.
Phoebe: Just ask him about work Mon.
Monica: What about work? So he has to work late this week, so what?
Phoebe: The what is with whom?
Monica: He said he's working by himself.
Phoebe: Uh huh, and I'm the queen of New England.
Ross: There's no queen of New England.
Rachel: Shut up, Chandler's about to step on his penis.
Monica: Are you working late with someone else?
Chandler: Ah…..ah….Phoebe, I'm going to hang you from the rafters!
Chandler: Yes, I'm working late with Ms. Eddy in accounting.
Monica: Ms. Eddy?
Phoebe: Hot, young and foxy Ms. Jenna Eddy. The woman's looks blows you and Rachel away.
Joey: And how is it that I've never met her?
Monica (to Chandler): Don't bother coming home.
Chandler: I didn't do anything wrong!
Monica: You lied to me.
Chandler: No, technically I withheld the truth, I never really lied.
Monica: Whatever. See you guys later.
Rachel: I'm gonna go after her. I'll see you guys later. Ross, don't forget Caitlin.
Joey: Seriously, how is it that I've never met this Ms. Jenna Eddy. I know all the hot girls in New York City. I better check my black book again. (takes out his book and starts flipping through the pages) Oh, my mistake. Here she is, May 2, 2000, New York City Library.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica and Rachel are present)
Monica: This was bound to happen sooner or later.
Rachel: What's that?
Monica: Chandler cheating on me.
Rachel: Chandler may have a problem telling you the truth all the time but Chandler's definitely not cheating on you.
Monica: Why wouldn't he? I'm six months pregnant and I look hideous. He hasn't touched me in weeks and he keeps working late.
Rachel: Chandler loves you. I'm telling you, he's not cheating on you. You need to learn to trust him more.
Monica: Whatever, I'm just tired of being married. I don't want to be married anymore.
Rachel: You can't be serious.
Monica: But I am.
THE SET OF GENERAL HOSPITAL (Joey is awaiting news on his raise. Joey is talking to Elena, one of the grips)
Joey: What does a grip actually do?
Elena: Lean forward and I'll tell you. (Joey does and Elena whispers something in his ear)
Joey: Really. That's really dirty.
Elena: Would you like a demonstration?
Elena: Your trailer in ten minutes?
Joey: You betcha.
(One of the producers approaches Joey)
Joey: Hey Bob.
Bob: We'll I've got the information on your raise, but I'm not sure that you're gonna like it.
Joey: What is it?
Bob: $5,000 an episode plus all the free sandwiches you want at Subway.
Joey: Why wouldn't I like that?! That's an absolute gold mine. Free sandwiches? I'll never go hungry again.
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Ross, Caitlin are present)
Chandler: Can I crash on your couch?
Ross: Yeah. Why didn't you just tell Mon that you had to work late with the hot Ms. Eddy?
Chandler: Ok for one, her name is Jenna, and two, I didn't want to upset Monica, she's been really down lately and I don't know why. So I f$cked up, what else is new?
Rachel: Hey. (to Chandler) You and me need to talk.
Ross: What about me? Why am I excluded?
Rachel: 'Cause I said so. Let's go Chandler.
(Chandler looks at Ross)
Ross: Don't look at me. When she orders me, I just do it, it's easier that way.
(Rachel and Chandler leave)
Ross (to Caitlin): That's right honey, Daddy doesn't have a backbone when it comes to Mommy's demands.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey is trying to use the phone. Phoebe walks in)
Joey: Hey Pheebs. What in God's name is wrong with this stupid phone?
Phoebe: Well for one you're holding the ear-piece to your mouth.
Joey: Oh. Still doesn't work.
Phoebe: Gimme. When's the last time you paid your phone bill?
Joey: I didn't even know there was a phone bill.
Phoebe: That's why your phone doesn't work. The phone company turned it off.
Joey: Oh. Can I use your cell?
Phoebe: Sure. What's wrong with yours?
Joey: The cell phone company must've turned it off. (on the phone) Jenna? (pause) Hi, it's Joey Tribbiani. (pause) Yes, the same one from the Library. (pause) I know I was supposed to call but I lost your number. I just found it. (pause) I realize it's been four years, but I'd still like to see you again. (pause) Great. You know Central Perk in the village? (pause) Great, I'll see you there. (hangs up)
Phoebe: How do you do that?
Joey: Do what?
Phoebe: You haven't talked to that woman in four years and out of the blue you call and ask her out and she agrees?
Joey: Pretty amazing, isn't it?
Phoebe: That would never work on me?
Joey: Of course it would. Look when I'm a big star in Los Angeles in three years, I'll call you and ask you out.
Phoebe: Ok. But for your information, it's going to be four years from now, I'm gonna be married and pregnant with sextuplets and you'll be happily married to a woman named Jenna.
Joey: Ok, but it'll still work.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Rachel are present)
Chandler: Why the urgency?
Rachel: You're marriage may be at stake.
Chandler: My marriage always seems to be at stake. One of the days it's really gonna be at stake and I'm not gonna care.
Rachel: Monica is tired of marriage.
Chandler: Huh, and here I thought that I'd reach that point first.
Rachel: Would you stop fooling around, I'm being serious.
Chandler: You got all of this out of the fact that I didn't tell her that I was working late with Jenna at the office?
Rachel: No, I got it directly from Monica's mouth.
Chandler: You're serious then?
Rachel: Dead serious. You need to do something to make her feel special. Give her a reason why you guys should stay married.
Chandler: She's this bent out of shape just because I didn't tell her that I was working late with another woman?
Rachel: No, she's bent out of shape because she's depressed and lonely.
Chandler: Tell me something I didn't already know at least.
Rachel: You've known that she's been down and lonely?
Chandler: Yeah, we talked about to two days ago. She told me she was feeling low, and I asked if there was anything I could do and she said no. So now what am I supposed to do?
Rachel: Huh. I really don't know. (long period of silence) I got it!
Chandler: That's why they have penicillin.
Rachel: You've got to do something that you're incredibly bad at.
Chandler: I don't think sex is an option here Rach.
Rachel: No, what do you really suck at?
Chandler: Well I can't sing worth a damn.
Rachel: That's it. You'll serenade while Ross accompanies you on his Air Bags.
Chandler: You mean Bag Pipes?
CENTRAL PERK (Joey is present. He's waiting for Jenna Eddy)
Joey: Gunther, I've got to run to the bathroom. If a hot blonde comes in looking for me….
Gunther: Say that you moved to Toledo. I know the routine Joey.
Joey: No, no, tell her that I'll be right back.
(Joey goes into the bathroom. Phoebe enters with Jenna)
Jenna: You know Phoebe, you're really cool. I really like about how you have a twin sister named Regina. So you must be Chandler's niece too.
Phoebe: Yeah, I guess so. You know, you're not the conniving bitch that Regina thought you were.
Jenna: Thanks, that's always nice to shake that bitch label that you get for being gorgeous and blonde. So where's Joey?
(Joey appears from the bathroom)
Joey: Phoebe! What are you doing here?
Phoebe: I was walking down the street and I bumped into Jenna. We got to talking and now I'm leaving. Bye guys.
Jenna: Bye Phoebe. It was nice meeting you.
Joey: So Jenna, long time no see.
Jenna: You still look as good as ever.
Joey: You do too. Wanna coffee or something?
Jenna: Yeah. Thanks.
Joey (to Gunther): To black coffees. She's pretty hot eh?
Gunther: When have you ever dated anyone that wasn't hot?
Joey: Look, if you don't want to make conversation, just say so.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica is asleep on the couch. Chandler and Ross are on the balcony)
Ross: Ok here we go. On four.
Chandler: What does that mean?
Ross: It means that we start on four. I count 1, 2, 3 and on 4 we start the song.
Chandler: Why don't we start on 1 then?
Ross: Because the song starts on 4.
Chandler: Yes, maybe so, but it's still very confusing.
Ross: Just start when you feel the beat.
Chandler: Like that's possible, you still don't know how to play those damn things.
(Ross starts playing Celebration by Kool and the Gang as Chandler sings at the top of his lungs. Needless to say, it sounds hideous. Monica wakes up and starts laughing. They continue on for a few more measures until someone in the building yells at them to shut the hell up. Chandler comes inside. Ross stays out on the balcony)
Chandler: Hey. Look….
Monica: I'm sorry.
Chandler: You didn't do anything as usual.
Monica: Yeah I did. I honestly felt like I didn't want to be married to you anymore.
Chandler: Changed your mind?
Monica: Yeah. But definitely not based on that horrific performance.
CENTRAL PERK (The next morning. Everyone but Joey is present)
Rachel: What time is it?
Monica: It's 8.
Rachel: I better get off to work. (to Ross) And you, no talking to hot girls while I'm at work.
Chandler: Like you're gonna listen to her.
Ross: Yeah right. But at least she thinks she's in control.
(Joey and Jenna enter)
Chandler: Oh my God, what are you doing with the head of accounting?
Joey: Jenna, you know Chandler and Phoebe. That's Ross, and this is Chandler's wife Monica.
Jenna (to Monica): Wow! You really are one hot mama!
Jenna: Well it was nice meeting everyone but I must run off to work. Wanna share a cab Chandler?
(Chandler looks at Monica who just nods her head yes)
Chandler: Yeah. (to Joey) What did I say about dating my co-workers?
Joey: You said I couldn't date your secretaries anymore. You said nothing about your department heads.