THE ONE WHERE MONICA TELLS
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Chandler are present)
Joey: So how are you enjoying being unemployed?
Chandler: It totally sucks.
Joey: How can you say that? Itís not like you went to work everyday.
Chandler: Yeah, but now Iím not getting paid.
(The waitress brings them their coffees)
Chandler: Thanks. (to Joey) Could you pay for mine? Iím a little short on cash.
Joey: What do I look like, a Bank? Loans donít come for free my man.
Chandler: Well this Bank is calling in your debt.
Joey: I never borrowed any money from a Bank.
Chandler: No, but I helped you out with loans for years. You have to pay me back now that Iím unemployed. You owe me approximately $690,000 at my last count.
Joey: How about I pay for your coffee and we can discuss repayment of my debt to you later?
(Joey pays the waitress)
Joey: You know whatís funny? Weíve switched roles. Now youíre borrowing money from me.
Chandler: With one exception, Iím not paying you back. Iím deducting what I borrow from you from what you owe me. You now owe me $688,000.
Joey: Thatís not fair!
Chandler: The Bank of Chandlerís a bitch isnít it?
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Ross: Anyone want more coffee?
Chandler: Iíll take some.
Rachel: Me too.
Monica: Get me an espresso instead.
Phoebe: Honey tea for me.
Joey: Iím good.
Chandler: You know what, Iím in a generous mood. Everyoneís drinks are on me. Joey will give you the money Ross.
Joey: You canít do that! I only owe you money, not anyone else.
Rachel: Actually Joey, you owe me about $120.
Monica: Youíre into me for $75.
Ross: Yeah Joe, you owe me about $200 for those photos that you had done about three years ago.
Phoebe: You owe me thousands honey.
Joey: But weíre married!
Phoebe: Sorry, thatís in pre-marital debt.
Joey: Fine, hereís the money Ross.
(Ross leaves to get the drinks)
Monica: Whereís Caitlin Rach?
Rachel: My mother is watching her today. Iím gonna check in at work for a few hours to see how everything is going.
Chandler: I miss my job so much!
Phoebe: Still havenít found a job?
Monica: He hasnít even started looking.
Chandler: Hey, I looked at the want ads this morning. I even called on one of the job opportunities.
Monica: You did? Which one?
Chandler: New York City is hiring new police officer trainees. I figured I could apply for that job.
Phoebe: Wow, itís a good thing Ross hasnít brought me my tea yet Ďcause I think it would come out my nose.
Chandler: Are you saying I wouldnít be a good police officer?
Joey: Dude, youíre afraid of the dark. Little Ben is more qualified for a police officer job and heís only 8.
Chandler: You know what? Just to prove to you morons that Iím police officer material, Iím gonna go down to the precinct and apply.
Rachel: Better go soon Chandler, itíll be dark in 8 hours.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Monica and Ross are present)
Monica: Would you hurry up! Weíre gonna be late!
Ross: Would you relax? Momís not gonna start without us.
Monica: Itís rude to be late you know. And if weíre late sheíll blame me before she blames you.
Ross: Mon, even if we left now weíd still be a half-hour early.
Monica: Whyíd I agree to go?
Ross: Itís Dadís retirement party, we have to go. Ok, Iím ready. You got money for the cab?
Monica: Why am I paying for the cab?
Ross: ĎCause I donít have any cash and if we stop at the Bank weíll be late.
JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Rachel are present)
Phoebe: I need a job.
Rachel: Then go back to being a masseuse.
Phoebe: But I donít wanna be a masseuse anymore. I have too much money to sink to that level.
Rachel: What da ya wanna do then?
Phoebe: I wanna be a high-powered fashion executive like you.
Rachel (laughing): Pheebs, youíve got to have fashion sense to be a fashion executive.
Phoebe: Are you saying that I donít have fashion sense?
Rachel: You wore Santa Clause pants when you were pregnant, what do you think?
Phoebe: So youíre saying you wonít get me a job at Victoriaís Secret?
Rachel: I donít know if theyíre even hiring Pheebs.
Phoebe: Canít you hire me?
Rachel: I could if I wanted to, but there are no open positions in my division at the moment.
Phoebe: So fire someone and hire me to replace them.
Rachel: I just canít fire someone to give you a job, it doesnít work that way.
Phoebe: Well figure a way to do it, 'cause I'm starting on Monday.
NEW YORK CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT Ė PRECINCT #69 (Chandler has arrived at the station)
Chandler: Excuse me? I was wondering if you could help me?
Staff Sergeant: What do you want?
Chandler: I wanna apply for the police officer trainee job.
Staff Sergeant: How old are you?
Staff Sergeant: Let me guess. You got fired from your corporate job and now you wanna be one of New York Cityís finest.
Chandler: Acutally yeah, I did get canned. Howíd you know?
Staff Sergeant: I can just tell. Kinda like how I figured that youíre gay.
Chandler: Iím not gay! Iím married to a beautiful woman!
Staff Sergeant: Donít worry about it, this isnít the military. Youíre allowed to be gay here.
Chandler: But Iím really not gay.
Staff Sergeant: Still in the closet then?
Chandler: No! Iím straight.
Staff Sergeant: Whatever you say. The lie detector test will get you anyway.
Chandler: Anyway, I wanna become a cop. What do I have to do to apply?
Staff Sergeant: Fill this out and give it back to me. Then Iíll hook you up with one of our officers and you can go on a ride along with him or her. If youíre still interested after the ride along, then youíll take the written exam. If you pass that, youíve got to go through an oral interview, a psychological profile, a background check and finally a lie detector test.
Chandler: I can do all that.
Staff Sergeant: Then here you go. Iím Staff Sergeant Mike OíRourke. Come see me when youíre done.
Chandler: What time do we do the ride along?
Staff Sergeant: From 8 p.m. to 11 p.m.
Chandler (uneasy): We canít do it this afternoon?
Staff Sergeant: What? Are you afraid of the dark or something?
THE GELLERíS RESIDENCE (Mr. Gellerís retirement party Ė Monica and Ross are present, as are the other guests)
Mrs. Geller: It was nice of you to come out here for the party Ross.
Monica: What about me Mom?
Mrs. Geller: Oh Iím sorry dear, I didnít see you standing there. Of course, itís nice to have you here too. Oh look, thereís Mr. Perry and his girlfriend of the moment. Mingle kids, Iím gonna go say hello.
Monica: Did you see that? I was standing right in front of her and she didnít thank me for coming.
Ross: You havenít told her yet have you?
Monica: Told her what?
Ross: That you have a bun in the oven.
Monica: No, as a matter of fact I havenít. Iím not telling her until she starts treating me like her daughter. And don't you dare say a word!
Ross: I won't I promise. But look, youíre gonna be showing soon. Are you sure that gives you enough time?
Monica: Very funny. (pause) Oh my God!
Monica: Richard is here.
Ross (looking over to Richard): And he brought some hot chick whoís carrying a baby.
Monica: Look away Ross! Look away! I donít want him to see me.
Ross: Too late, here he comes. (to Richard) Hello Dr. Burke, itís good to see you again. Whatís that Dad? Yeah, Iíll be right there.
Richard: Hi Monica, you look lovely as usual. Whereís Chandler?
Monica: Heís out house hunting.
Richard: Iím sorry, Iím being rude. Monica, this is my wife Ashley and thatís our newborn Erika.
Monica: I thought you didnít want kids because of your age.
Richard: People change.
Monica: So Ashley, what do you do?
Ashley: Iím the head chef at Pasta Primavera.
Monica: Really? Iím the head chef at Allesandroís.
Richard: Yeah, you guys have a lot in common. Ashelyís 32 too.
Monica: Howíd you guys meet?
Richard: She was a patient of mine. It kinda just happened.
Ashley: Did you use to date Richard?
Monica: Yeah, we were together about six or seven years ago. It ended because I wanted kids and he didnít. I guess people do change. Well congratulations you two, Iíve got to go check in with my Dad.
Ashley: She seems really nice.
Richard: Yeah, sheís the best.
VICTORIA'S SECRET (Rachel and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: Wow! I'm so excited that I'm gonna be working here!
Rachel: I'm not hiring you Phoebe. There's no way in hell I'm gonna get you a job.
Phoebe: But you promised!
Rachel: I did not. I can't even hire you anyway, I'm on maternity leave for another two months.
Phoebe: Would you hire me when you get back?
Phoebe: I thought you were my friend.
Rachel: I am your friend Pheebs. You just can't work here, you're not qualified.
Phoebe: And you are?
Rachel: Yes, I spent five years in the fashion industry. I know fashion.
Phoebe: Yeah, that's why your fly is down.
Rachel: It is not. (looking down) I guess it is. How long has it been like that?
Phoebe: Since this morning.
Rachel: Why didn't you say anything?!
Phoebe: I figured you were trying some new fashion. Nice panties by the way. So who's in charge while you're on maternity leave?
Rachel: My deputy division chief.
Phoebe: Who's that?
Rachel: No way, I'm not telling you.
Phoebe: I promise I won't go talk to her.
Rachel: Fine. Penny Tanner's in charge.
Phoebe: Where's her office?
Rachel: Next door. Why?
Phoebe: No reason in particular. Just wondering if it's as nice as yours.
Rachel: Are you ready to go eat lunch?
Phoebe: Yeah, I just have to go to the bathroom. Where's the john?
Rachel: The bathroom is down the hall. I'll wait for you here.
Phoebe: Alright, I'll be right back.
(Phoebe leaves Rachel's office and goes into Penny's office)
Rachel: Well I think I dodged that bullet.
NEW YORK CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT Ė PRECINCT #69 (Chandler is present. He is waiting to go on his ride along)
Staff Sergeant: Chandler Bing?
Chandler: That's me.
Staff Sergeant: This is Officer Quadros. She's going to take you on your ride along. I just need you to sign this release.
(Chandler looks at Officer Quadros and his jaw drops to the floor. She's the hottest policewoman he's ever seen)
Chandler: You're my ride-along partner?
Officer Quadros: Yes sir.
Chandler: Where do I sign?
(Chandler signs the release and hands it to Staff Sergeant)
Staff Sergeant: Have fun. We'll see you back here in three hours.
Officer Quadros: Let's go Chandler.
Chandler: I'm right behind you Officer Quadros.
(a policeman passes by Chandler)
Policeman: Don't get to worked up there. Officer Quadros doesn't like it when people stare at her ass.
Chandler: Thanks for the tip.
THE GELLER'S HOUSE (Monica is talking to Ross)
Monica: I decided that I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad that I'm pregnant.
Ross: Thank God, I don't think I could have kept quiet for another minute.
Monica: Well keep quiet until I tell them.
Ross: Hey, Uncle Mike is here. I'm gonna go say hi.
(Mr. Geller approaches Monica)
Mr. Geller: How's my little harmonica?
Monica: I'm good Dad. I've got some great news.
Mr. Geller: I already know. I talked to Ross.
Monica (mad): What did he say?
Mr. Geller: He said you sold the Porsche to Joey.
Monica: Oh, yeah I did.
Mr. Geller: Was there something else?
Monica: Where's Mom?
Mr. Geller: She's over there talking to Richard and Ashley. Have you seen there new baby?
Monica: Yeah Dad. I saw.
Mr. Geller: You don't regret marrying Chandler do you?
Monica: No! Why on earth would you say that?
Mr. Geller: I just thought that maybe you'd be upset to see Richard and Ashley together. After all, the reason Richard and you broke up was because he didn't want children.
Monica: I love Chandler Dad. My life is perfect as it is.
(Mrs. Geller comes over)
Mrs. Geller: Did you see Richard and Ashley's new baby Monica?
Monica: Yes Mom, I did. I'm happy for both of them.
Mrs. Geller: Wanna these days you'll be married too honey. And then you can have kids like Richard and Ashley.
Monica (furious): I am married Mom! I married Chandler a year and half ago!
Mrs. Geller: Really? Why weren't we invited?
Monica: You were there! Dad gave my away!
Mrs. Geller: Are you sure that wasn't Ross and Rachel's wedding?
Mr. Geller: Judy, Monica's right. Chandler's just not here today because he's looking for houses for Monica and him.
Mrs. Geller: I'm so sorry dear. You know what happens when you get older. Your memory just starts to fade without explanation.
Monica: Well while you're both standing here, I have some news.
Mrs. Geller: I know dear. Ross told me. You sold the Porsche to Joey.
Monica: No, it's even better than that. You're gonna have another grandchild.
Mrs. Geller: Rachel's pregnant again? Wow, Ross and Rachel sure have a lot of sex.
Monica: No Mom! I'm the one who's pregnant!
(all of the party guests stop and look at Monica)
Monica: What do you guys want?!
Mrs. Geller: Oh dear. Who's the father?
Monica: Who's the father? Who's the father? Chandler's the god damn father!
Mrs. Geller: Does Chandler know?
Monica: No Mom. He just knocked me up, I didn't tell him yet!
Mr. Geller: Don't you think you should tell him Monica?
Monica: Are you both idiots? Chandler knows that I'm pregnant. He's the first person I told. You know, it's obvious that I'm not wanted in this family! I'm leaving!
(Monica goes outside)
Mrs. Geller: I think she's upset.
Mr. Geller: I don't know why? It's not that we're not happy for her.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe and Rachel are present)
Phoebe: Thanks for letting me come down to your office today.
Rachel: Not a problem Pheebs. Thanks for buying lunch.
Phoebe: My pleasure. Oh and thanks for telling me who's in charge over there while you're out on maternity leave.
Rachel: What did you do?
Rachel: You went and saw Penny this afternoon didn't you?
Phoebe: Would I do something like that when I know that one of my closest friends would be upset if I did?
Rachel: Yes Phoebe, you would.
Phoebe: Well I didn't.
Rachel: Thank you for respecting my wishes.
Phoebe: I saw her right before quitting time.
Phoebe: And the best part is that I start on Monday.
Rachel: No you don't! I'm calling Penny right now and telling her that she can't hire you!
Phoebe: It wasn't Penny's decision. Your boss is the one that spoke with.
Rachel: Katie hired you?
Phoebe: Yes. Don't worry, I spoke highly of you.
Rachel: You know Phoebe, you've done some stupid stuff, but this isn't even funny. You don't have the qualifications to work at Victoria's and as soon as you fall on your face you're gonna bring me down with you.
Phoebe: I don't know about that. I have been a secretary before.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm your new secretary.
Rachel: What happened to Greta?
Phoebe: Who's Greta?
Rachel: My current secretary.
Phoebe: Yeah, she got fired a week ago for stealing petty cash.
Rachel: So you're my new secretary?
Phoebe: Yeah. Isn't it great?
Rachel: Yeah, I guess. (pause) What are you gonna be doing since I'm on maternity leave?
Phoebe: Keep you up to date on what's happening at the office.
Rachel: And what else? That'd only take a couple of hours each day.
Phoebe: I'm gonna spend the rest of the time in the management training program.
Rachel: We have a management training program?
Phoebe: You do now. I told Katie that I wanted to be in management and she said I didn't have the qualifications. So I said, well I want to be qualified. So she's sending me back to school to get my degree.
Rachel: This is unbelievable.
Phoebe: I know, especially since none of this happened.
Phoebe: Oh, I met with Penny and Katie, but they laughed me right out of the office when I told them that I didn't have any experience.
Rachel: Pheebs, I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: Ah, it's no big deal. I just bought 40% of your company stock. They won't be running that company for much longer.
Rachel: You did?
Phoebe: No. God, you're so gullible.
NEW YORK CITY (Chandler is driving around with Officer Quadros - a call comes over the radio)
Dispatcher: Robbery in progress at 444 Market St. Units in vicinity please respond.
Officer Quadros: That's us. (turns on the siren)
Chandler: Wow, that's really loud.
Officer Quadros: When we get to the scene, you're to stay in the car.
Chandler: Ok. Can I monitor the radio?
Officer Quadros: What?
Chandler: You know, let dispatch know what's going on.
Officer Quadros: Don't do anything but sit there.
Chandler: You sound like my wife.
Officer Quadros: Don't tell me that. I hate that.
Chandler: She does too.
(the car pulls up to the scene - they're first to arrive - Officer Quadros brandishes her gun as she exits the patrol car. She cautiously enters the store. A minute later the robber comes sprinting from the store and goes to run past Chandler in the car. Chandler opens the car door and knocks the robber completely off his feet - Officer Quadros, holding her arm emerges from the store to find the robber out cold on the street. Chandler emerges from the car)
Chandler: Is this who you're looking for?
Officer Quadros: You got him.
Chandler: No, the door did. All I did was open it. (noticing that Officer Quadros is bleeding) Did he shoot you?
Officer Quadros: Yeah. It's no big deal, it happens all the time.
Chandler: Need an ambulance?
Officer Quadros: That would be great. And hey, congratulations on your first arrest.
Officer Quadros: Where you learn to use a door like that?
Chandler: The door in my old apartment was accidentally cut in half. I used to run into the unopened bottom half constantly. Knocked myself out cold one night.
THE GELLER'S HOUSE (Ross is outside with Monica who's been crying. The party's over)
Monica: I want a new family.
Ross: Mon, Mom and Dad feel horrible. They wanna talk with you.
Monica: This is supposed to be one of the happiest moments in my life and my own mother has the nerve to ask who the father is.
Ross: Mom's always been an idiot Mon. She just asked me when Ben's starting school. When I told her Ben was already in the second grade, she asked if he skipped a grade. Face it Mon, she's losing her mind. And besides, I'm really happy for you. I know how hard it's been for you since you lost the last baby. Rach and I will always be there for you, I hope you know that.
Monica: Just once I wish that Mom and Dad would be ecstatic for me.
Ross: They're ecstatic, trust me. Come on, let's go inside.
Monica: I just wanna go home.
Ross: We'll go, but you have to at least say goodbye to Mom and Dad.
Monica: You know, I hate it when you're right.
(Monica and Ross re-enter the house)
Mrs. Geller: Monica?
Monica: Yeah Mom.
Mrs. Geller: Congratulations dear. I'm so happy for you. I know you and Chandler have been trying for months to get pregnant. I'm just so happy that your wish finally came true.
Monica: Thanks Mom, I appreciate that.
Mr. Geller: So did you and Chandler have to make love a lot?
Mr. Geller: What? I just remember how hard it was to get your Mom pregnant with you Ross. We had to keep doing and doing it over and over again.
Ross: Thanks so much for the visual.
Mr. Geller: Anyway, I can't wait to meet my new grandchild. How far along are you?
Monica: A month.
Mrs. Geller: And you waited this long to tell us?!
Ross: Monica wanted to make sure that she was really pregnant Mom. Rachel and I didn't tell you right away either, we waited six weeks.
Mrs. Geller: Oh. (pause) I guess that is a good reason. Anyway, thanks for coming out. It meant a lot to your father.
Mr. Geller: What did?
Mrs. Geller: They came out for your retirement party Jack.
Mr. Geller: Thanks for coming kids.
Ross: Bye Dad. Bye Mom.
Monica: See you soon.
Mrs. Geller: Monica?
Monica: Yeah Mom?
Mrs. Geller: Congratulations honey. You're gonna be a great mother.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present except Joey and Chandler)
Ross: Where's Joey? I haven't seen him at all today.
Phoebe: He's on location.
Phoebe: He didn't say anything to you guys?
Ross: Say what?
Phoebe: He's in Canada doing a movie.
Ross: That'd be a good reason why we haven't seen him.
Rachel: A movie?
Phoebe: Yeah, he got the lead in Ed 2.
Phoebe: Is that a bad move?
Ross: Jennifer knows the actor from the original film. His name was Matt Le Blanc, after he did the original Ed, he didn't get any movie offers for like three years.
Phoebe: No wonder why they picked Joey. He bombs in everything he does.
Monica: Well I told my parents that I'm pregnant.
Rachel: How'd that go?
Monica: A little rough at first. They asked who the father was.
Monica: Yeah. They really pissed me off. But they came around before Ross and I left. My mother actually said that I'd be a great mother.
Rachel: That's so sweet.
(Chandler and Officer Quadros enter - Officer Quadros is dress in normal clothes)
Rachel: Who's the hottie with Chandler Mon?
Monica: I have no idea.
Chandler: Hey guys. Hey sweetie. (Kisses Monica)
Monica (to Officer Quadros): Hi, I'm Chandler's pregnant wife.
Officer Quadros: Hi, I'm Nina Quadros. I took your husband on his ride along tonight.
Monica: Oh my God, you actually went through with it.
Officer Quadros: Yes he did and he even made his first arrest.
Ross: Way to go dude.
Chandler: It was nothing. I merely hit the suspect with the car door as he was trying to flee the robbery.
Rachel: I guess you're gonna make us eat crow.
Chandler: Nah, I just proved to myself that I can do something brave when it matters the most. Nina here's the brave one, the robber shot her in the arm.
Ross: You got shot?
Officer Quadros: Yeah, it happens all the time. Well I better be going. See you down at the station Chandler.
Chandler: Thanks a lot Nina. See ya later.
(Officer Quadros leaves)
Monica: So you're really gonna do this police officer thing?
Chandler: I was, but then the robbery happened and it totally changed my mind. I mean, she got shot. She could've been killed. I don't need to do that everyday to prove to myself that I'm a man.
Monica: Thank God.
Rachel: Good for you Chandler.
Phoebe: Yeah it's not like you were ever a man to begin with.
MONTREAL, QUEBEC (Joey is filming his movie. A break on the set gives him a chance to call Phoebe)
Phoebe: Hey Joe. How's the movie coming?
Joey: Really good. I think I'm gonna win an Oscar for this.
Phoebe: Aren't you acting with an animatronic ape?
Joey: Yeah, so?
Phoebe: Don't you think he'd get an Oscar before you?
Joey: Yeah, you're probably right.