THE ONE WHERE RACHEL PRACTICES FOR MOTHERHOOD

 

Written by:†† Ethan

††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

JOEYíS (PHOEBEíS) APARTMENT (Joey is in bed with Phoebe)

 

Phoebe:How did we end up here again?

 

Joey:Norm found out that Crystal was wearing any underwear.

 

Phoebe:So?

 

Joey:So they went to get popcorn and never came back.

 

Phoebe:You set this all up, didnít you? (Joey doesnít answer)Damn it Joey, weíre not supposed to sleep together anymore!

 

Joey:Hey I didnít force you to take off your clothes!

 

Phoebe:I guess weíre just two friends who like to have sex together.

 

Joey:Huh, thatís what I was thinking.Who needs girlfriends or boyfriends when we have each other.

 

Phoebe:Thatís so sweet.I love you Joey.

 

Joey:Whoa!Thereís no bringing love into this.This is just about you and I having sex all the time.

 

Phoebe:I realize that.I was referring to what my hand was holding.

 

Joey:Oh.Batter up.

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel and Ross are present)

 

Ross:Can I open my eyes yet?

 

Rachel:No.Give me one more minute.

 

Ross:But I really have to pee.

 

Rachel:Here (handing him a cup) pee in this.

 

Ross:Very funny.Are you ready yet?

 

Rachel:Ok, Iím ready.

 

(Ross opens his eyes to find Rachel wearing nothing but the new jacket she bought him)

 

Ross:Whereís the present?

 

Rachel:Iím wearing it you dumb ass.

 

Ross:I know.Itís great.Does the naked woman come with the present?

 

Rachel:What do you think?

 

Ross:Oh well, it was worth a try. (Ross walks back into the bedroom)

 

Rachel (calling after Ross):You idiot, the naked woman comes with the jacket.Ross, Ross, Ross take me now or lose me forever!

 

(Ross shuts the door and we hear nothing but laughter)

 

Rachel:My Dr. Geller, itís supposed to be your birthday, not mine.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)

 

Monica:How was the date Pheebs?

 

Phoebe:It was great.Norm is a great guy.

 

Monica:So are you gonna see him again?

 

Phoebe:No.

 

Chandler:But I thought you said he was a great guy.

 

Phoebe:Youíre a great guy and I wouldnít date you.

 

Chandler:True.

 

Joey:Maybe Norm just couldnít fill the shoes of Phoebeís dream lover.

 

Phoebe:Or maybe Phoebe just doesnít wanna see the guy again.Is that so wrong?

 

(Ross, Rachel and Ben enter)

 

Ross:Hey guys, look whoís here.

 

Monica:Ben, come see your Auntie Monica.

 

Ben:Thatís ok, Iíd rather hang with Uncle Chandler.

 

Chandler (taking Ben on his lap):Whatís up Ben?

 

Ben:Nothing much.Mommy and Mommy just went to San Francisco for three weeks so I get to stay with Dad and Auntie Rachel.

 

Rachel:Thatís Mommy Rachel Ben.

 

Ben:Whatever.

 

Rachel (to Monica):That boy is never gonna see me as a mother figure.

 

Monica:Itís still early, donít worry about it.

 

Joey:How come you guys are all related to Ben and Phoebe and I arenít?

 

Chandler:Weíd explain it to you Joey, but we wouldnít want to confuse you.

 

Joey:I already am confused.Good thing Iím still the kidís godfather.

 

Rachel:Joey, Chandler isÖ.

 

Ross:Leave it alone Rach.

 

Ben (to Chandler):Did you know that today is my Daddyís birthday?

 

Chandler:Really?I didnít know that.How old is he?

 

Ben:How old are you Daddy?

 

Ross:Old enough to be your father.

 

Joey:Come on Ross, youíre much older than 12.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica and Phoebe are present)

 

Phoebe:Can I tell you a secret?

 

Monica:Of course.Whatís up?

 

Phoebe:You canít blab it to everyone.

 

Monica:Would I do that?

 

Phoebe:Ah, yes comes to mind.

 

Monica:What is it?Are you pregnant?

 

Phoebe:No! Iím not pregnant!What would make you think that?

 

Monica:I dunno.Seems like everyoneís getting pregnant these days.Come on whatís your secret?

 

Phoebe:Joey and I had sex last night.

 

Monica:What?!You and Norm slept together?

 

Phoebe:No, Joey and I had sex last night.

 

Monica:Oh my God, I thought you guys werenít doing that anymore.

 

Phoebe:Weíre not.

 

Monica:Then what the hell were you doing last night?

 

Phoebe:Getting it out of our system?

 

Monica:Do you want Joey to be your boyfriend?

 

Phoebe:No.

 

Monica:Then why do keep having sex with him?

 

Phoebe:†† Because you and Rachel are married now?

 

JOEYíS (PHOEBEíS) APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are present)††

 

Joey:Wanna hear something funny?

 

Chandler:No.

 

Joey:Iím gonna tell you anyway.

 

Chandler:What is it?

 

Joey:I nailed Phoebe last night.

 

Chandler:What the hell are you doing?

 

Joey:What da ya mean?

 

Chandler:You canít go around ruining Phoebeís dates.

 

Joey:Hey, itís not my fault Norm found out that Crystal wasnít wearing any underwear.

 

Chandler:And how did he find out?

 

Joey (under his breath):I told him.

 

Chandler:What was that?

 

Joey:I said I told him.

 

Chandler:Do you want Phoebe exclusively?

 

Joey:No.I just donít want her seeing other guys.

 

Chandler:So youíre saying that you want her to stop seeing other guys.

 

Joey:Pretty much.

 

Chandler:And youíre gonna stop seeing other girls?

 

Joey:Hell no!What kinda thought is that!

 

CENTRAL PARK (Ross, Ben and Rachel are picnicking in the park.Ben is off playing on the swings)

 

Ross:This is the way to spend a birthday.Next to me Iíve got my loving wife whoís carrying my child and my son hitting on some young girl at the swings.

 

Rachel:Heís hitting on some girl?Isnít he a little young for that?

 

Ross:He takes after his father.

 

Rachel:Did the mailman father Ben too?

 

Ross:Oh look, now heís playing on the monkey bars.

 

Rachel:Do you think Ben will ever see me as his step-mom?

 

Ross:Yeah, I do.

 

Rachel:I donít think so.

 

Ross:Why not?

 

Rachel:Because he keeps referring to me as Auntie Rachel.

 

Ross:Give it time Rach.This is really the first extended time weíve had with him since the wedding.

 

Rachel:I just donít know if Iím cut out for motherhood.

 

Ross:Youíre gonna be fine.

 

(We see Ben moving across the monkey bars.He suddenly slips and takes a header onto the playground)

 

Rachel:Oh my God!Ben!(Rachel sprints after Ben leaving Ross bewildered)

 

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Joey are present)

 

Chandler:Iím bored.

 

Joey:Wanna watch porn?

 

Chandler:Thatís what we were doing before we came here!

 

Joey:So?When I get bored I watch porn.

 

Chandler:You must be bored a lot.

 

Joey:Wanna get pizza?

 

Chandler:We just ate.

 

Joey:Oh.(pause)How about going to the library?

 

Chandler:I donít know how to read.

 

Joey:Me neither.

 

(Monica and Phoebe enter)

 

Monica:Hey honey, Joey.

 

Joey:Hey guys.What you been up to?

 

Monica:Nothing much. What you guys been up to?

 

Chandler:Joey and I were discussing the validity of Einsteinís Theory of Relativity.

 

Phoebe:Oh, I love Einsteinís Theory of Relativity!What part are you on?

 

Joey:Ah, the part where we were determining Einsteinís true parents.

 

Phoebe:Oh, it was a joke.You guys suck.I got excited for nothing.

 

Chandler:Apparently thatís not all you got excited for.

 

Phoebe (to Joey):You told him didnít you?

 

Joey:Tell him what?

 

Phoebe:You know what.

 

Joey:No.No I donít.

 

Phoebe:That we had sex last night.

 

Chandler:You guys had sex last night?

 

Phoebe:You didnít tell him?

 

Joey:I swear, I didnít tell him.

 

Chandler:Yes you did.

 

Joey:Chandler!That was supposed to be a secret!

 

Phoebe:I canít believe you Joey!

 

Monica:I donít see what the big deal is Pheebs, you told me the same thing.

 

Phoebe:Can no one keep a secret around here!

 

(Norm and Crystal enter)

 

Norm:Hey guys.

 

Joey:Hey Crystal, how you doin?

 

Crystal:Thanks for setting me up with Norm Joey, heís great.

 

Phoebe:He set you up with Norm?

 

Crystal:Yeah.Norm told me how Joey told him that I wasnít wearing any underwear.

 

Phoebe:Joey!

 

Joey:Look at the time, Iíd better get myself to the set.Bye guys.(Joey leaves)

 

Norm:Well anyway, thanks for everything Phoebe.

 

Phoebe:Sure, I love to be dumped in the middle of a date.

 

Monica (to Chandler):Joeyís dead.

 

Chandler:Thatís an understatement.††††††

 

CENTRAL PARK (Rachel and Ross have arrived to tend to Ben)

 

Rachel:Are you alright Ben?

 

Ben (crying):No!My arm hurts!

 

Ross (panicking):Oh crap, heís bleeding.Heís cracked his head open!

 

Rachel:Ross!(no answer)Ross, get a hold of yourself!

 

Ross:What?!What do we do?!

 

Rachel (calmly):Go call 911. Iíll stay here with Ben.

 

Ross:Whereís a phone?

 

Rachel:Your cell phone is in your bag.Go and call 911.

 

Ross:Whatís the number again?!

 

Rachel:911.Now go.(to Ben)Itís gonna be ok sweetie.It looks like you broke your arm and youíve got a slight cut on the back of your head.Your dad and I will take care of you.Itís gonna be ok.What do you want for dinner?

 

Ben:Huh?

 

Rachel:What do you want for dinner?

 

Ben:Pizza.

 

Rachel:What kind of pizza?

 

Ben:Pepperoni.

 

Rachel:Then pepperoni pizza it is.How are you doing?Does your arm still hurt?

 

Ben:Itís burning.

 

Rachel:Thatís what happens when your break a bone.You get a burning sensation.You know, when I was your age, I broke my leg playing soccer with my sisters.

 

Ben:Did it hurt?

 

Rachel:It hurt for awhile, but then the doctor fixed it and put a cast on it.After that it didnít hurt that much.

 

Ben:What about my cut?

 

Rachel:The doctorís gonna put some stitches on you to close up the cut.After a couple of days, the doctor will take the stitches out and youíll be good as new.

 

Ben:Like after Auntie Monica banged my head on the post at her apartment?

 

Rachel:Yeah Ben, just like that.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are present)

 

Monica:Whatís up with Joey?

 

Chandler:What da ya mean?

 

Monica:Why did he sabotage Phoebeís date like that?

 

Chandler:I donít know.

 

Monica:Ok, youíre lying.

 

Chandler:I am not!

 

Monica:Look at me.

 

Chandler:No.

 

Monica:Chandler, look at me.(Chandler looks at Monica)See, youíre totally lying.

 

Chandler:What?How can you get that from me just looking at you?

 

Monica:Your face is all red.

 

Chandler:Nah uh.Iím just really hot.

 

Monica:Fine.So do you think Joey and Phoebe should just admit that they like one another?

 

Chandler:I dunno.Though I think thatís what Joey wants.

 

Monica:Ha! I just caught you lying to me.You know what that means.

 

Chandler:Damn it!

 

Monica:Shall we adjourn to the bedroom?

 

Chandler:Fine, but under protest.You tricked me.

 

Monica:Like you didnít want to get caught.

 

Chandler:Maybe I did, maybe I didnít.

 

JOEYíS (PHOEBEíS) APARTMENT(Joey is watching TV.Phoebe enters)

 

Joey:Hey.

 

Phoebe:Donít hey me Joey!

 

Joey:What are you so upset about?

 

Phoebe:Why did you sabotage my date with Norm?

 

Joey:I didnít sabotage your date with Norm.(pause)Wait, what does sabotage mean?

 

Phoebe:Forget about it.Why did you tell Norm that Crystal wasnít wearing any underwear?

 

Joey:I thought heíd be interested to know?

 

Phoebe:Are we friends?

 

Joey:Of course weíre friends.Why would you doubt that?

 

Phoebe:Because friends donít do that to each other.Goodbye.

 

Joey:Wait Pheebs!Donít go.

 

Phoebe:What?

 

Joey:Did you ever think that I could have a very good reason to do what I did?

 

Phoebe:Wanting to be a butthead is not a good reason Joey.

 

Joey:How about that fact that it hurts me inside to see you go out with other guys.

 

Phoebe:Huh?

 

Joey:I really care for you Phoebe.Youíre best friend.I only want the best for you.

 

Phoebe:And you donít think I should decide who I date?

 

Joey:No.No I think you should.

 

Phoebe:Ok, youíre talking like Joey again.Youíre making no sense.

 

Joey:Iím just saying, maybe the guy your looking for is right in front of you.

 

Phoebe (looking around):Is Mitch Buchanan here?

 

Joey:No, but Dr. Ross Greco is.

 

Phoebe:Whoís that?

 

Joey:Me you idiot.

 

Phoebe (surprised):What are you saying Joey?Are you in love with me?

 

Joey:I dunno.I just know that I really look forward to being alone with you.

 

Phoebe:I donít know what to say.This is like, wow!You better not be doing this just to get out of being in trouble.

 

Joey:I wouldnít do that.(Phoebe stares at Joey)Ok, I would, but Iím not doing that right now.

 

Phoebe:What about your decision that it wouldnít be a good idea for us to get together.

 

Joey:Damn, I forgot about that.(pause)Forget I said it.What da ya say?Wanna go for it?

 

Phoebe (after a long pause):What the hell!

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica and Chandler are lying on the couch)

 

Chandler:What time is it?

 

Monica:Itís six oíclock.

 

Chandler:Arenít you forgetting to do something?

 

Monica:What are you talking about?

 

Chandler:Itís dinnertime.Arenít you forgetting to make dinner?

 

Monica:Are you being serious?

 

Chandler:What?Itís six oíclock and itís getting near dinnertime.

 

Monica:And you want me to make you dinner.

 

Chandler:WellÖ.

 

Monica:Well what?

 

Chandler:I thought you might be interested in making dinner thatís all.I mean, you do it everyday.

 

Monica:And you just assume that Iím cooking tonight?

 

Chandler:Yeah?

 

Monica:I knew we shouldnít have had sex today.As that all you see me as?Your sex slave and cook?

 

Chandler:Huh, I never looked at it like that.(Monica glares at Chandler)Sorry, I didnít know you were being serious.I donít think of you like that at all.I think of you as a loving wife and my best friend.

 

Monica:Thatís so sweet.

 

Chandler:So are you gonna make dinner?

 

Monica (getting up frustrated):You really know how to screw things up donít you.††

 

(Ross, Rachel and Ben enter.Ben is wearing a cast on his arm)

 

Ross:Hey guys.

 

Monica (noticing Ben):Oh my God, what happened?

 

Ben:I fell off the monkey bars at the park.

 

Chandler:Are you ok champ?

 

Ben:Yeah, my Daddy and Mommy took me to the emergency room to see the doctor.

 

Chandler:Donít you mean Auntie Rachel and your Dad?

 

Ben:No.Auntie Rachelís my mommy too.

 

Rachel (to Ross):Did you hear that?He called me Mommy.

 

Ross (hugging Rachel):I heard sweetie and I think itís great.

 

(Joey and Phoebe enter Ė holding hands)

 

Chandler:I see you guys made up.

 

Joey:We made up in the kitchen, the bathroom and the bedroom.

 

Phoebe:Joey!

 

Ross/Rachel/Monica/Chandler:Oh my God!††

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed)

 

Rachel:So did you have a good birthday?

 

Ross:Yeah, I did.Though I never thought Iíd see my son be so brave.

 

Rachel:You were pretty brave too.

 

Ross:I was, wasnít I?

 

Rachel:Yeah, after you passed out and were revived by the paramedics, you were totally brave.

 

THE END