THE ONE WITH THE MOVIE STAR

 

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Phoebe and Ross are present)

Joey: Why arenít you at work Ross?

Ross: Itís Spring Break baby!

Phoebe: Seriously, why are you here?

Ross: I just told you, itís Spring Break. I have the whole week off.

Phoebe: Oh.

Ross: Why is that so bad?

Joey: Because youíre ruining Phoebe and Iís conversation topic.

Ross: Whatís that?

Phoebe: I donít think we should tell you.

Ross: Come on, I wanna know.

Joey: Fine, Phoebe and I spend Monday morning making fun of you. Itís a Monday tradition.

Ross: Thatís really no different than any day of the week for me.

Phoebe: Howís that?

Ross: Iím a professor. My students make fun of me all week.

OPENING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler, Monica and Rachel are present)

Chandler: I donít feel so good.

Monica: You felt fine an hour ago when we were getting it on.

Rachel: Hello, Iím in the room!

Chandler: Yeah, but I think all that sex tired me out. I think Iím gonna call in sick to work.

Monica: You call in sick and I guarantee you that you wonít have sex for the rest of the week.

Chandler (getting up): Look at that, I feel better already. Bye sweetie. (kisses Monica) Bye Rach.

(goes to kiss Rachel on the cheek)

Rachel: Donít you even think about it!

Chandler: Why?

Rachel: ĎCause I have a feeling I know where your mouth was an hour ago.

Chandler: Good point.

(Chandler leaves)

Rachel: So whenís my baby shower?

Monica: I donít know. Were you expecting one?

Rachel: Apparently not from you.

Monica: Iím kidding, itís on Friday.

Rachel: And youíre just telling me now? I could be busy on Friday.

Monica: Are you busy on Friday, at around 3pm?

Rachel: No.

Monica: Then you can come.

Rachel: One question. Seriously, why are just telling me now?

Monica: Because Phoebe obviously forgot to tell you. She was in charge of the invitations.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Joey are present)

Ross: That totally hot girl over there is checking you out.

Joey: Are you sure sheís not checking you out? (Ross looks over at the girl and she quickly looks away) Guess not.

Ross: Man, sometimes I wish I was still single. I miss picking up hot girls.

Joey: Ross, paying a girl $150 to talk to you is not picking up hot girls.

Ross: You donít think I knew how to pick up hot girls when I was single?

Joey: Dude, it took you nine years to admit to Rachel that you liked her.

Ross: Yeah but I went out with a lot of cute girls after Rachel and I split up.

Joey: Sure you did.

Ross: I did. There was Chloe, Bonnie, Cheryl, EmilyÖ..

Joey: Iíll give you Chloe, Bonnie and Cheryl, but Emily was a dog. You married a dog just so you could do it doggie-style.

Ross: Elizabeth was cute.

Joey: That was a sick relationship, that doesnít count.

Ross: Sick?

Joey: She was like 16. You were dating a teenager.

Ross: She was 20.

Joey: That makes it not so sick.

Ross: Rebecca was hot.

Joey: Yeah. I wouldíve done her too. But I still donít think you can do it on a consistent basis like me.

Ross: I bet you I can. Iíll pick up five beautiful women by Friday. Heck, Iíll make sure that youíre present for each number I get. If I do it, you owe me $100.

Joey: And if you donít?

Ross: Are you kidding me?

Joey: About what?

Ross: Iíd owe you $100 stupid.

Joey: Oh. See I didnít get that. Youíre on.

JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Monica are present)

Monica: So are you all set for Friday?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: So you mailed all the invitations and everything?

Phoebe: For what?

Monica: What do you mean for what? For Rachelís baby shower.

Phoebe: Thatís this Friday?

Monica: Yes! God, I knew I shouldnít have let you talk me into giving you responsibilities!

Phoebe: You didnít let me finish. The invitations went out two weeks ago, 35 people are coming and I hired a male stripper.

Monica: You hired a stripper?!

Phoebe: Yeah right, I just wanted to get a reaction out of you. You look pretty funny when youíre completely in shock.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Joey are present)

Joey: Thereís a hot one right over there.

Ross: Where? (camera pans to a gorgeous woman) I canít ask her for her number.

Joey: Why not?

Ross: ĎCause sheís way out of my league.

Joey: This is gonna be the easiest $100 Iíve ever earned. Come on, you just have to think that no female is out of your league. Youíve got to go for it.

Ross: Ok. Here, hold this.

Joey: Why are giving me your wedding ring?

Ross: Duh, so she wonít know that Iím married.

Joey: Right. Go on.

(Ross walks over to the woman)

Ross: Hi. IĎm Ross.

Woman: Hi. Iím Kristine.

Ross: Can I buy you a cup of coffee or something?

Kristine: Sure. Werenít you just over there with Joey Tribbiani?

Ross: Yeah. How do you know him?

Kristine: Iím a big General Hospital fan. Could you introduce me to him?

Ross: Sure. But I gotta tell you something first.

Kristine: Whatís that?

Ross: Heís gay.

Kristine: Are you serious?

Ross: Yeah, he just came out of the closet. Do you still want to meet him?

Kristine: Not really. I tried to convert a gay man once and it was a total disaster. Look, I have to go but itís been real nice talking to you. Hereís my number, maybe we can get together sometime.

Ross: Ok. Thanks.

Kristine: Arenít you gonna give me your number?

Ross: Right. (writing quickly) Here you go. Iíll see you later.

(Kristine leaves and Ross returns to where Joey is)

Joey: So?

Ross: I got it right here. One down and four to go.

Joey: Why did she point at me?

Ross: She wanted to meet you.

Joey: Well why didnít you bring her over?

Ross: íCause after I told her that you were gay, she didnĎt wanna meet you anymore.

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel and Chandler are present)

Rachel: How are the in-laws?

Chandler: Good. How are your in-laws?

Rachel: Well according to you, theyíre good.

(long silence)

Rachel: Hungry?

Chandler: Not really. You?

Rachel: No, I ate an hour ago.

(another period of silence)

Chandler: Shouldnít Ross be home by now?

Rachel: Yeah. Why are you here again?

Chandler: He owes me money.

Rachel: Youíre hiding out from Monica again arenít you?

Chandler: Yeah, sheís on a cleaning rampage. This morning she found the ketchup stain on the couch.

(phone rings)

Rachel: Hello? (pause) No, heís not home. Can I ask whoís calling? (pause) Kristine? Does he have your number? (pause) Who am I? Yeah, Iím his pregnant wife. (pause) Hello?

Chandler: WhoĎs Kristine?

Rachel: Someone who was very surprised to learn that Ross was married with a kid on the way.

Chandler: Heís pretty much dead?

Rachel: You might wanna leave. Itís not going to be pretty.

(Joey and Ross enter)

Chandler: Too late.

Ross: Hey honey.

Joey: Hiding out from Monica again Chandler?

Rachel: So what were you guys doing?

Joey: Just hanging out.

Rachel: Ross, why arenít you wearing your wedding ring?

Ross: Ah, ahÖ.Joey wanted to see it and he didnít give it back to me.

Rachel: Oh. By the way, Kristine called.

Joey: Damn, she called already. You are good at this.

Ross: Shut up Joey.

Rachel: WhoĎs Kristine Ross?

Ross: Just some girl I met today.

Rachel: And why is she calling you?

Joey: Duh, for a date.

Ross: Shut up Joey.

Rachel: Whatís going on Ross?

Ross: Joey and I made this stupid bet, thatís all.

Rachel: Whatís the bet?

Joey: I bet him a hundred dollars that he couldnít pick up 5 hot girls by Friday.

Rachel: Really. Interesting.

Ross: You mean youíre ok with this?

Rachel: Heck yeah. Thereís no way in hell you can do this. Hell it took you nine years for you to admit that you liked me.

Joey: Huh, thatís what I said.

Rachel: Iíll bet you a $200 that you canít do it either Ross.

Ross: Youíre on.

Joey: You have the coolest wife. Phoebe would kill me if I made a bet like that.

Ross: No she wouldnít.

Joey: Youíre probably right. Do you want in Chandler?

Chandler: Yeah. Iíll $100 that Ross can do it.

Ross: Thanks for your support Chandler. At least I have one friend that thinks I can do it. After all, he saw me in action in college.

Chandler: Yeah, I forgot about that. Iíll bet $100 that Ross canít do it.

Ross: Chandler!

Chandler: Hey, youíre the one who brought up college. The only person you picked up in college was Carol and look at how that turned out.

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica is cleaning as Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey Mon!

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Monica: Iím cleaning.

Phoebe: Oh. Iíll talk to you later. Bye.

Monica: Wait, why are you leaving? Iím just cleaning.

Phoebe: Do you want the truth?

Monica: Yes.

Phoebe: You clean like a Nazi. Everything has to be perfect. If I touch one thing youíll bite my head off.

Monica: Youíre exaggerating, Iím not that bad. (Phoebe picks up a magazine on the table) What are you doing?

Phoebe: I was gonna look at the magazine.

Monica: Ok. But make sure you put it back where you found it. (Phoebe throws the magazine on the coffee table) Phoebe! What did I just say?!

Phoebe: See, youĎre a Nazi. Bye Mon.

CENTRAL PERK (Itís now Thursday evening. Ross, Rachel and Joey are present)

Joey (in an announcer like voice): Lets see, Ross has only gotten two numbers so far and heís got about eighteen hours left. Will he make it? Is he starting to feel the pressure? Letís take a look at the action.

Rachel: Would you please shut up.

Joey: Sorry. Thereís one Ross. Go ask her out.

Ross: Donít mind if I do. Hereís my ring Rach.

Rachel: Good luck honey.

Ross: Rachel! Youíre gonna blow it for me.

Rachel: Honey, Iím not the one thatís gonna blow it. Youíll do that all by yourself.

(Ross approaches a lovely brunette)

Ross: Thanks for coming Rhonda.

Rhonda: You know Iím only doing this because you promised to give me a ďBĒ in your class.

Ross: Yes, I know. But look, you canít tell anyone.

Rhonda: I know. Hereís my number.

Ross: What do you do next?

Rhonda: I call your house and ask for you.

Ross: Right. Hereís my number. Thanks again.

(cut to Joey and Rachel)

Joey: I think weíre in trouble. It looks like he got her number.

Rachel: Thatís ok. Thereís still no way heís gonna pull this off.

(Ross returns)

Ross: Well hereís number 3. Her name is Rhonda and hereís her number. Three down and two to go.

Rachel: Congratulations honey. Youíre still gonna fail.

Joey: Youíve got a real supportive wife in Rachel there Ross.

(A hot blonde comes in)

Ross: Donít look now, but I think Iíve found victim number 4.

Rachel: Thatís so true, a victim.

Ross: Just watch the master at work.

Joey: What do you mean the master at work? Iím just sitting here.

(Ross goes over to the blonde)

Ross: Hey.

Woman (hugging Ross): Hey Ross. Itís good to see you again.

(cut to Rachel and Joey)

Rachel: This one doesnít count.

Joey: Why not?

Rachel: He obviously knows her.

Joey: How can you tell?

Rachel: HeĎs hugging her.

Joey: Maybe sheís just really friendly.

Rachel: He knows her. I can just tell. Heís resorted to cheating.

Joey: Let him cheat. Heís never gonna pull it off.

Rachel: You better be right.

(Cut to Ross and the woman)

Ross: Stop hugging me. Youíre gonna blow it for me.

Woman: Oops, Iím sorry.

Ross: So how have you been Regina?

Regina: Good. Iím so glad you called.

Ross: You do realize that Iím married now and that this is just a game. Right?

Regina: Thatís ok, I like married men.

Ross: No, you donít understand, I just need your number.

Regina: But you already have it.

Ross: I know. Look, just write it down on a napkin. Thatís all I need.

Regina: Ok. Here you go. Will you call me?

Ross: Yeah, the next time I need a sitter for Ben, Iíll call you.

(Ross returns to Joey and Rachel)

Ross: Well thereís number 4. I just need one more.

Rachel: You do realize that Joey and I know that you know victim number 4.

Ross: I do not!

Rachel: Whatever. Youíre still not gonna pull it off.

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (The next morning. Chandler and Monica are present)

Chandler: What timeís the baby shower?

Monica: For the last time, itís at three.

Chandler: Ok, ok. Itís at three. Can I hang out in our room?

Monica: No. Go see Ross or Joey. No boys allowed.

(a woman enters from the guest bedroom)

Monica: Good morning Jen. How was your sleep?

Jennifer: It was great. That bed is really comfortable. I especially liked the freshly squeezed orange juice that you put out for me.

Monica: Thank you. (to Chandler) I told you sheíd appreciate it.

Jennifer: Now just so I understand, Rachel doesnít know Iím here, right?

Monica: Right. Youíre the surprise guest.

Chandler: I thought I was gonna be the surprise guest.

Monica: You show up at the baby shower and I will kill you by ripping your heart out so everyone can see it.

Chandler: I guess I should be leaving now.

CENTRAL PERK (Itís fifteen minutes to noon. Joey, Rachel, Chandler and Ross are present)

Joey: Youíve got fifteen minutes left there buddy.

Ross: I know.

Rachel: Nervous?

Ross: No. Some hot girl is gonna come waltzing through those doors anyone minute now.

Chandler: Monicaís coming? She canít know Iím here. Iím supposed to be at work.

(A stunning red head enters. Itís Nicole Kidman)

Joey: Well I think the ultimate challenge has just presented itself.

Rachel: Oh my God, Ross is gonna hit on Nicole Kidman!

Chandler: Whoís Nicole Kidman?

Rachel: Are you serious? Thatís Tom Cruiseís ex-wife.

Chandler: I thought Tom Cruise was gay.

Joey: You would know gay boy.

Rachel: Well Ross?

Ross: I canít do it. Thatís Nicole Kidman for Peteís sake. Sheíll laugh me out of this coffee house. Donít you remember the Isabella Rosellini incident?

Joey: Then you might as well fork your money over now.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey guys! Whatís up?

Rachel: Ross is gonna ask Nicole Kidman for her number.

Phoebe: Cool. I love watching Ross fail.

Ross: Thanks for your support Phoebe.

Phoebe: Anytime gel boy.

Rachel: So are you gonna do it?

Ross: I am. Iím gonna go over there and ask her out. If she says yes, can I go out with her?

Rachel: Honey, if she says yes, you can sleep with her.

Ross: Youíre gonna regret saying that Rach.

(Ross goes over to where Nicole Kidman is)

Joey: Oh my God, heís gonna do it.

Chandler: I canít watch.

Phoebe: Is this some kind of bet or something?

Rachel: Yeah. Ross has to get one more hot girlís phone number or he loses $100 to Joey, $200 to me and $100 to Chandler.

(Cut to Ross and Nicole)

Ross: Ms. Kidman?

Nicole: Yes?

Ross: Hi, my name is Ross Geller. Iím a huge fan of yours.

Nicole: Well thank you. Itís always a pleasure to meet a fan.

Ross: I hope Iím not being presumptuous, but I had this feeling that I was supposed to meet you here today.

Nicole: Really?

Ross: Yeah. Would you ever consider going out with someone thatís not a movie star?

Nicole: Maybe. But only if he was cute and wasnít affected by my star status.

Ross: Would you be interested in grabbing lunch or something?

Nicole: With you?

Ross: Yeah or if not, you could go by yourself. But I do know some great places here in the Village if your interested.

Nicole: I am kinda hungry. I just have one question for you.

Ross: Ok.

Nicole: Why are you shaking?

Ross: íCause Iím nervous as hell. Iím actually asking Nicole Kidman out to lunch.

Nicole: Well then, letís go.

Ross: Are you serious?

Nicole: Sure, why not?

Ross: Alrighty then. Letís go. What are you in the mood for?

Nicole: Thai food.

Ross: Great. I know the perfect place.

(Ross and Nicole walk out together as the others look on in shock)

Joey: Crap! Did you see that? He got Nicole Kidman to go out with him!

Rachel: Oh my God, and I told him that he could sleep with her if he wanted to!

Phoebe: She is definitely one hot piece of ass.

Chandler: Seriously, is Nicole Kidman a star or something? I mean I know who Tom Cruise is, but whatís Nicole Kidman been in?

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (The guests are present, as are Phoebe, Rachel, Monica and Jennifer)

Rachel: I canít believe you made a special trip out here just to be at my Baby Shower.

Jennifer: You know me, Iíd do anything for a friend. And besides, Brad is in Haiti shooting a movie. I wasnít doing anything in Los Angeles, so I figured Iíd come out.

Monica: Shall we start opening the baby gifts?

Phoebe: Everyone, if you could gather around the coffee table, Rachelís going to start opening her gifts. Sheís gonna start with mine. This is so exciting!

Rachel: Why are you so excited? What did you get me?

Phoebe: Youíll see. Itís the perfect post pregnancy gift.

Monica: What? Did you get her tequila and leather pants?

Phoebe: Even better.

Rachel (opening Phoebeís present): Itís, itís, itís the biggest dildo Iíve ever seen in my life. This isnít inappropriate at all.

Mrs. Green: Oh, my daughter got her own little dildo. How exciting!

Rachel: Mom!

Mrs. Green: Donít be shy dear, every woman gets one sooner or later.

Mrs. Geller: God knows I used mine after Monica was born. I didnít let Jack touch me for months.

Monica: Mom!

Jennifer: Well as long as weíre doing the nontraditional baby shower gifts, here you go. This is from me.

Rachel (opening the present): Itís, itís, itís a trip to Bermuda. Jennifer you really shouldnít have.

Jennifer: Trust me, after you do all that pushing, youíll need a vacation. Monicaís already agreed to watch the baby when you and Ross decide to go.

Mrs. Geller: Monica wouldnít have to volunteer to watch the baby if she spent a little more time in the bedroom instead of cleaning this apartment.

Monica (to Phoebe): And you call me a Nazi? My Mom is the emotional Nazi.

Rachel: Ok. Whoís this from?

Monica: Thatís from me.

Rachel: You got me a card?

Monica: Just open it.

Rachel (reading the card): Congratulations Rachel, I love you. Have fun pushing Alexa around in your brand new baby stroller. (Phoebe rolls out a stroller from the guest room)

Monica: Do you like it?

Rachel: I love it. Thanks so much.

(cut to later. Rachel has opened all her gifts)

Monica: Well, it looks like this party is a wrap.

Rachel: Everyone, thanks so much for coming and for the wonderful gifts.

(people start to leave)

Mrs. Geller: Congratulations honey.

Rachel: Thanks Mrs. Geller.

Mrs. Geller: Call me Mom. Weíre related after all.

Rachel: Thanks Mom.

Monica: At least someone will admit to being related to that woman.

Mrs. Green: Goodbye dear. Just remember, that dildo that Phoebe gave you will be your godsend some day.

Rachel: Right Mom. Good advice. Not inappropriate at all, but good advice.

Phoebe: That was a great shower.

Rachel: Thanks a lot you guys, I really appreciate it. You guys are the best friends in the world.

(a man suddenly enters)

Man: Is this the Bing residence?

Monica: Ah yes, can I help you?

Man: Iím sorry IĎm late. Is the party over?

Monica: Yes, yes it is. Who are you?

Man: Iím Doug. I was hired by a Ms. Buffay.

Phoebe: The stripperís here! The stripperís here!

Monica (shutting the door): Well donít just stand there, take it off. Take it all off!

Rachel (to Jennifer): Only with my friends do you get a stripper at a baby shower.

Jennifer: Phoebe wasnít going to get him, but I convinced her to do it. She thought it was inappropriate.

Rachel: If a dildo isnĎt inappropriate, then how could a stripper be?

CLOSING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICAĎS APARTMENT (Monica, Phoebe, Rachel and Jennifer are present)

Monica: Do you need help bringing all this stuff home?

Rachel: Can I get it later? Ross is out on a date.

Monica: What?!

Rachel: Yeah, he picked up Nicole Kidman this afternoon. Actually, I think he took her to lunch. Heck, if he played his cards right, he might even get lucky.

Jennifer: I donít know about that.

Phoebe: Why?

Jennifer: ĎCause Nicole Kidman is a lesbian.

Rachel (laughing): Leave it to Ross to pick up another lesbian.