THE ONE WHERE NO ONE BELIEVES ROSS & RACHEL†
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel arenít doing anything)
Ross:† Iím bored.
Rachel:† Wanna have sex?
Ross:† Nah.† (pause) Did I just say no to sex?
(the phone rings- Rachel answers it)
Rachel:† Hello?† (pause)† Jennifer who?† (pause)† Oh my God!† Why are you calling?
Ross:† Who is it?
Rachel:† Itís Jennifer Aniston.† (back to phone)† Youíre coming to town? (pause) Sure weíd love to see you.† (pause)† Bradís not coming?† (pause)† Ok.† Yeah, weíll see you then.† Bye.† (to Ross) Jennifer is coming to New York and sheís gonna stay a few days here!†
Ross:† Does that mean I get to sleep with her?† (Rachel just looks at Ross)† I didnít think so.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)
Chandler (to Joey):† Could you pass me the paper Dr. Dick Hertz?
Joey:† Very funny.†
Phoebe:† Leave Holden McGroin alone.†
Joey:† Hey, any one of you couldíve made the same mistake.†
Monica:† No Joey, only you could make that mistake.†
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Rachel:† Guess what?† Guess what?
Chandler:† They cured your stuttering but now you repeat everything you say?
Rachel:† Shut up.† Jennifer is coming to see us.
Phoebe:† Whoís Jennifer?
Ross:† Only the hottest actress around.
Monica:† Again, whoís Jennifer?
Rachel:† Jennifer Aniston.
Monica:† How do you guys know Jennifer Aniston?
Ross:† We met her and Brad when we were in Los Angeles.† We didnít tell you about that?
Monica:† Ah, no.
Joey:† Whoís Brad?
Rachel:† Brad Pitt, her husband.†
Joey:† That still doesnít explain who he is.
Chandler:† Let me get this straight, you guys met Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt in LA and you never mentioned any of this to us?† You guys went to LA two months ago.†
Rachel:† Well weíve been busy.† I guess it slipped our minds.
Joey:† Look, the only famous actor you two know is me.† No way did you meet Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.†
Ross:† We did.† We had dinner with them.
Phoebe:† Oh, did I tell you guys?† Iím having lunch with Muhammad Ali tomorrow.
Chandler:† Yes, and Monica and I are having dinner with Snuffaluffagus.
Joey:† And Iím having dinner with Courteney.† (everyone looks at Joey)† What?
Rachel:† Fine, donít believe us.† Weíll just see whoís right when Jennifer comes to visit.† (to Ross)† Are you ready to go?
Ross:† Where are we going? (Rachel whispers in his ear)† Are you gonna wear the red one?† (Rachel nods)† Iím right behind you.
(Ross and Rachel leave)
Monica:† Can you believe those two?† I mean, Ross is always making up stuff to impress people, but now heís corrupted Rachel.†
Joey (to Phoebe):† Are you really having lunch with Muhammad Ail?
PHOEBE & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT† (Phoebe and Courteney are present)
Courteney:† Do you think Joey would freak out if I asked him if he loved me?
Phoebe:† Um, umÖ.
Courteney:† I take that as a yes.
Phoebe:† Itís just, itís just that Joey is really afraid of those three words.† In fact, he really doesnít know what the words mean.
Courteney:† So am I wasting my time?
Phoebe:† It depends on what youíre looking for.† Look, Joeyís one of my closet friends, I canít tell you what to do.
Courteney:† I understand.† (pause) I think he does.
Phoebe:† I guess thereís only one way to find out.† Ask him.
Courteney:† You just said you werenít gonna get involved.
Phoebe:† No, I just said I canít tell you what to do.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are present)
Chandler:† So, howís it going with Courteney?† You two seem to be pretty serious.†
Joey:† Serious about what?
Chandler:† Ok, new approach.† You seem to really like her.†
Joey:† Yeah, I really do.
Chandler:† So have you said the magic words?
Joey:† Magic words?
Chandler:† Yeah, I love you.
Joey:† I love you too man.
Chandler:† Not me you idiot, have you said them to Courteney?
(Joey stands up)
Joey:† Whoa!† Thatís like a 100th date type thing.
Chandler:† How would you know?† Youíve never had a 100th date with anyone.†
Joey:† Look, I really like her, I just donít know if I love her.†
Chandler:† What?† How can you not know?
Joey:† I just donít ok, end of story.† Oh look, the Three Stooges are on.
CENTRAL PERK† (Monica and Phoebe are present)
Monica:† I really donít want to go into work.
Phoebe:† Then donít.
Monica:† Ah Pheebs, some of us have to work for a living.† I donít go to work, I donít get paid.†
Phoebe:† I wish I had a job.
Monica:† Why?† Youíve got it made in the shade.
Monica:† Youíre living off a multi-million dollar trust fund.† You donít have to left a finger ever again.†
Phoebe:† But Iím bored.
Monica:† I know, come work at the restaurant.† You can help me in the kitchen.†
Phoebe:† No, I donít like to cook.†
Monica:† Ok, how about being a waitress?† (Phoebe just looks at her)† Right, a waitperson.
Phoebe:† I could totally do that!
Monica:† Ok, youíre hired.†
Phoebe:† Like it was ever a question of you not hiring me.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross is asleep on the couch, thereís a knock on the door)
Ross (groggy):† You damn kids, stop knocking on my door and running away!
(Ross opens the door.† Itís Jennifer Aniston)
Jennifer:† Hi Ross!† Wow, you look like you just woke up.
Ross:† I did.† What are you doing here?
Jennifer:† Didnít Rachel tell you I was coming?
Ross:† Yeah, but she said you werenít coming until the 11th.
Jennifer:† It is the 11th.†
Ross:† I knew that.† Come on in.†
Jennifer:† So whereís Rachel?
Ross:† Right, Rachel, yeah sheís at work.
Jennifer:† Why arenít you teaching?
Ross:†† Already did. †My lecture was so boring it made me tired.† Wanna get some coffee or something?
Jennifer:† Sounds good.
Ross:† Let me just call Rachel, Iíll tell her to meet us there.
Jennifer (picking up a picture of Rachel):† Wow, I never realized how much she looks like me.
JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Courteney are present)
Courteney:† You know what I was thinking?
Joey:† How damn good looking I am?
Courteney:† No, though thatís true.† I was thinking that weíve been dating for three months now and I wanted to tell you something.†
Courteney:† I love you.
Joey:† I like you too.
Courteney:† Donít you mean you love me too?
Joey:† Thatís what I said.
Courteney:† No, you said I like you too.
Joey:† Means the same thing.
Courteney:† No it doesnít!
Joey:† What are you getting all bent out of shape for?
Courteney:† You know what, Iím leaving, Iím not wasting my time anymore.† Bye Joey.
Joey:† Could you at least tell me what I did?
Courteney:† Itís not what you did, itís what you didnít do!
Joey:† Iím still not following ya.
Courteney:† Thatís your problem Joey, you never think of othersí feelings.
Joey:† Whoa, wait a minute!† I care for you.† I care how you feel.†
Courteney:† I love you.
Joey:† I like you too.
Courteney:† Thatís what I thought, goodbye. (Courteney leaves)
Joey (at the door):† Donít forget, dinner at 8!
ALLESANDROíS (Monica is working in the kitchen. Phoebe enters)
Monica:† Hey Pheebs, howís the waitering going?
Phoebe:† This is the best job ever!
Monica:† Donít say that too loud.
Phoebe:† Why not?
Monica:† Because a lot of the other waiters are struggling actors and they hate waitering.
Phoebe:† I always wondered why Joey worked here.† Anyway, Iíve been getting all of this money from my customers.
Monica:† Theyíre called tips.
Phoebe:† I get to keep this money?
Phoebe:† Do I get to keep the phone numbers too?
Monica:† Youíve been getting phone numbers?
Monica:† How, how, how are you getting phone numbers?
Phoebe:† I ask for them.
Phoebe:† Well, if I see a cute guy, I tell him that Iíll comp him his meal if heíll give me his phone number.† It works like a charm.
Monica:† Phoebe!† You canít give away food!† Only the manager and I can give away food!
Phoebe:† Oh no.
CENTRAL PERK† (Ross and Jennifer are present.† Thereís a huge crowd around them)
Gunther:† You know, you look just like my friend Rachel.
Jennifer:† Yeah, I see the resemblance too.
Girl #1:† Whereís Brad?
Jennifer:† Heís on location.†
Guy #1:† Why are you here with him?
Jennifer:† Because heís my bud.
Guy #2:† But heís a dork.
Ross:† Hey pal! Iíll show you whoís the dork!
Jennifer:† Relax Ross, Iíll handle this.† (to guy #2)† Hey buddy, if you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth and we were responsible for re-populating the earth, I got to tell ya, it wouldnít happen.† You see, your girlfriend has been telling everyone that youíre a premature ejaculator.† Youíd get one look at me naked, a bam, itís over before it even started.
Guy #2:† Oh yeah, oh yeah, wellÖ. (guy #2 leaves)
Ross:† That was great.†
Rachel:† Jennifer!† Welcome to New York.† (to Ross)† Have you taken her to meet the gang yet?
Ross:† No, we were waiting for you.†
Rachel:† Oh, I just saw the funniest thing.† There was some guy walking down the street crying and saying that he was gonna break-up with his girlfriend and he kept saying that he wasnít a premature ejaculator.†
ALLESANDROíS (Continued from before)
Monica:† I canít believe this.† I hire you and you immediately get yourself into trouble.†
Phoebe:† Well no one else knows.
Monica:† Billís gonna find out.
Phoebe:† Whoís Bill?
Monica:† The manager.
Phoebe:† Well, Iíll just donate my tips.†
Monica:† Wait, how have you been ringing up your customers?
Phoebe:† I havenít gotten home yet.† Like Iíd have time to call.
Monica (frustrated):† No Phoebe, how have you been ringing up your orders?
Phoebe:† Weíre supposed to ring them up?
Phoebe:† You didnít tell me that.
Monica:† You told me you knew what you were doing!
Phoebe:† I generally do.
Monica:† So how have you been charging the customers?
Phoebe:† I just add up their orders on this (shows her a calculator), calculate the sales tax and give them their bill.† Then when they pay, I pocket the cash.
Monica:† What if they charge their bill?
Phoebe:† Then I do the charge thingy.
Monica:† The charge thingy?
Phoebe:† Yeah, that machine that you run the charge cards through.† Iím not completely stupid.
Monica:† This keeps getting better.
(Cut to Ross, Rachel, and Jennifer.† They stop by Chandler and Monicaís but no one is home.† They go to Joeyís and heís gone as well.† They go to Phoebeís and of course, sheís not home)
Jennifer:† Are you sure you guys have friends?
Ross:† We do, I swear.†
Rachel:† I canít believe Joeyís not home, heís always home.†
Ross: †Shall we go get dinner?
Jennifer:† You know what?† Iím really tired, how about we eat-in.† How does Chinese sound?
Rachel:† Chinese it is.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Chandler are present)
Joey:† I pissed off Courteney.
Chandler:† What did you do now?
Joey:† I dunno.† She told me that she loved me and I said I liked her too.
Chandler:† Thereís your answer.
Joey (looking around):† Where?
Chandler:† Joey, you were supposed to say I love you too.
Joey:† But I did!
Chandler:† No you didnít.
Joey:† Yes, I did.†
Chandler:† No you didnít.
Joey:† Yes, I did.
Chandler:† Ok, stop.† Look, if you want to fix this, youíve got to figure out if you love her or not.
If you do, then go tell her.†
Joey:† Why do I have to tell her?† Isnít it enough that I show her?
Joey:† But Iíve never said those words to anyone.
Chandler:† Not even your family?
Joey:† Thatís different.†
Chandler:† It really isnít that different.† Look, I was scared as hell to tell Monica that I loved her, but after I did, man, it was the best feeling in the world.
Joey:† You know what, I really do think I love her.† Iíve never felt this way about anyone.†
Chandler:† Then go and tell her before itís too late.†††
Gunther:† There you guys are.† Ross and Rachel were looking for you.
Joey:† What did they want?†
Gunther:† They wanted to introduce Jennifer Aniston to you.
Chandler:† Theyíre still on that?† Like they know Jennifer Aniston.
Gunther:† And Jennifer looks just like Rachel.
Joey:† Well maybe because theyíre one in the same.
PHOEBE & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Joey is at the door, he knocks.)
Joey:† Courteney, itís Joey, weíre gonna be late for dinner.† (no answer)† Come on Courteney, Iím sorry.† (no answer.† Courteney approaches Joey from behind)
Courteney:† What are you doing here?
Joey:† We had dinner plans, remember?
Courteney:† Yeah, (opening the door) well that was before this afternoon.† See you around. (closes the door on Joeyís face)
Joey:† Courteney?† Courteney open the door.† (pause)† Iím not leaving until you open this door.†
(15 minutes later)
Joey:† Iím still here.† Please open the door.
(Courteney opens the door)
Courteney:† Go home Joey.† I donít want to see you anymore.
Joey:† I love you too.
Joey:† I love you.†
Courteney:† Are you serious?
Joey:† I said it, I love you.† Iím crazy about you.† Can we go get dinner now?† Iím starving.†
Courteney:† You really love me?
Joey:† Yes, I do.† I have never said it to any woman Iíve dated before because I didnít know what it meant to be in love, now I know.† Ladies and Gentlemen, I love Courteney Cox.
Courteney:† I love you too.† How about we skip dinner and go straight for dessert?
ALLESANDROíS† (Monica and Phoebe are cleaning up the kitchen)
Monica:† So did you input all your orders?
Phoebe:† Yes maíam.
Monica:† Donít call me that.
Phoebe:† What should I call you?
Monica:† Anything but that.
Phoebe: Well anything but that, I inputted all of my orders and I balanced out. †I have $400 in tips.
Monica:† $400?† Are you sure you did it right?
Phoebe:† Yeah, Bill helped me.
Monica:† You told Bill what you did?!
Phoebe:† Sure.† I told him I was new.
Monica:† And he just helped you?† He didnít fire you?
Phoebe:† Oh, and I also told him Iíd go out with him if he didnít fire me.†
Monica:† And he agreed?
Phoebe:† Of course, who wouldnít want to go out with me?
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)
Monica:† Have you guys seen Ross and Rachel?
Chandler: †No, apparently they have found a new friend in Jennifer Aniston.† Can you believe theyíre still on that kick?
Joey:† If they know Jennifer Aniston, Iíll wear a dress for a full day.
Phoebe:† That I want to see.
Chandler:† Iíve seen it, it ainít a pretty picture.
Joey:† Chandler!† That was between us!
Monica:† Thank God you two donít live together anymore.†
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Monica:† So whereís your imaginary friend Jennifer?
Rachel:† She was talking to Brad.† Sheís gonna meet us here.†
Phoebe:† You guys have imaginary friends too?
Monica:† You know, you really shouldnít make stuff up.† Youíre gonna look real foolish when Jennifer doesnít show up.†
Rachel:† We didnít make her up, sheís here in New York and sheís staying with us for a few days.†
Phoebe:† My imaginary friend stays with me all the time.† Heís always there when I need someone to talk to.†
Ross:† Pheebs, I thought you quit smoking pot?
Chandler (to Joey):† You better hope they donít really know Jennifer Aniston.
Chandler:† Because if you do, heís wearing a dress for a full day.†
Rachel (to Joey):† You better go buy a nice pair of pumps.†
Jennifer:† Hey guys, so whereís this gang of friends youíve been telling me about?
(Everyone but Ross and Rachel just stare at her)
Rachel (to Joey):† So whose dress are you gonna borrow?
Ross:† Jen, Iíd like you to meet my sister Monica.
Monica:† Hi. (touching Jennifer on the arm)† Wow, you really are real!
Ross:† This is her husband Chandler.
Chandler:† Ah, ahÖ.
Ross:† Ok, Chandlerís in a state of shock.† Over here is Phoebe.
Phoebe:† Man you have a great ass!† Or something a little less offensive.†
Jennifer:† Ah, thanks.
Ross:† And this is Joey.† Heís gonna be wearing a dress all day tomorrow.
Joey:† How you doin?
Jennifer:† Fine, how you doin?
Rachel:† So do you guys believe us now?
Joey:† I canít believe Iím wearing a dress tomorrow.†
Chandler:† If you keep it up, youíll be like my Dad.
CENTRAL PERK† (Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel and Jennifer are present)
Ross:† Whereís Chandler and Joey?
Monica:† Chandler went with Joey to pick up a dress for Joey.†
Rachel:† Heís really gonna go through with this?
Phoebe:† Of course he is.† Heís a man of his word.†
Chandler:† Ladies and Gentlemen, if I could have your attention please.† I would like to present to you the newest debutant in New York City, Ms. Joey Tribbiani.
(Joey enters in a mini-skirt and the entire coffee house starts laughing)
Jennifer:† Nice mini-skirt Joey, but you forgot to put on your underwear.†