THE ONE WHERE NO ONE BELIEVES ROSS & RACHEL
Written by: eze93@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
ROSS & RACHEL’S
APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel aren’t
doing anything)
Ross: I’m bored.
Rachel: Wanna have sex?
Ross: Nah. (pause) Did I just say no to sex?
(the phone rings- Rachel answers it)
Rachel: Hello? (pause) Jennifer who? (pause) Oh my God! Why are you calling?
Ross: Who is it?
Rachel: It’s Jennifer Aniston. (back to phone) You’re coming to town? (pause) Sure we’d love to see you. (pause) Brad’s not coming? (pause) Ok. Yeah, we’ll see you then. Bye. (to Ross) Jennifer is coming to New York and she’s gonna stay a few days here!
Ross: Does that mean I get to sleep with her? (Rachel just looks at Ross) I didn’t think so.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)
Chandler (to Joey): Could you pass me the paper Dr. Dick Hertz?
Joey: Very funny.
Phoebe: Leave Holden McGroin alone.
Joey: Hey, any one of you could’ve made the same mistake.
Monica: No Joey, only you could make that mistake.
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Rachel: Guess what? Guess what?
Chandler: They cured your stuttering but now you repeat everything you say?
Rachel: Shut up. Jennifer is coming to see us.
Phoebe: Who’s Jennifer?
Ross: Only the hottest actress around.
Monica: Again, who’s Jennifer?
Rachel: Jennifer Aniston.
Monica: How do you guys know Jennifer Aniston?
Ross: We met her and Brad when we were in Los Angeles. We didn’t tell you about that?
Monica: Ah, no.
Joey: Who’s Brad?
Rachel: Brad Pitt, her husband.
Joey: That still doesn’t explain who he is.
Chandler: Let me get this straight, you guys met Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt in LA and you never mentioned any of this to us? You guys went to LA two months ago.
Rachel: Well we’ve been busy. I guess it slipped our minds.
Joey: Look, the only famous actor you two know is me. No way did you meet Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.
Ross: We did. We had dinner with them.
Phoebe: Oh, did I tell you guys? I’m having lunch with Muhammad Ali tomorrow.
Chandler: Yes, and Monica and I are having dinner with Snuffaluffagus.
Joey: And I’m having dinner with Courteney. (everyone looks at Joey) What?
Rachel: Fine, don’t believe us. We’ll just see who’s right when Jennifer comes to visit. (to Ross) Are you ready to go?
Ross: Where are we going? (Rachel whispers in his ear) Are you gonna wear the red one? (Rachel nods) I’m right behind you.
(Ross and Rachel leave)
Monica: Can you believe those two? I mean, Ross is always making up stuff to impress
people, but now he’s corrupted Rachel.
Joey (to Phoebe): Are you really having lunch with Muhammad Ail?
PHOEBE & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Courteney are present)
Courteney: Do you think Joey would freak out if I asked him if he loved me?
Phoebe: Um, um….
Courteney: I take that as a yes.
Phoebe: It’s just, it’s just that Joey is really afraid of those three words. In fact, he really doesn’t know what the words mean.
Courteney: So am I wasting my time?
Phoebe: It depends on what you’re looking for. Look, Joey’s one of my closet friends, I can’t tell you what to do.
Courteney: I understand. (pause) I think he does.
Phoebe: I guess there’s only one way to find out. Ask him.
Courteney: You just said you weren’t gonna get involved.
Phoebe: No, I just said I can’t tell you what to do.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are present)
Chandler: So, how’s it going with Courteney? You two seem to be pretty serious.
Joey: Serious about what?
Chandler: Ok, new approach. You seem to really like her.
Joey: Yeah, I really do.
Chandler: So have you said the magic words?
Joey: Magic words?
Chandler: Yeah, I love you.
Joey: I love you too man.
Chandler: Not me you idiot, have you said them to Courteney?
(Joey stands up)
Joey: Whoa! That’s like a 100th date type thing.
Chandler: How would you know? You’ve never had a 100th date with anyone.
Joey: Look, I really like her, I just don’t know if I love her.
Chandler: What? How can you not know?
Joey: I just don’t ok, end of story. Oh look, the Three Stooges are on.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Phoebe are present)
Monica: I really don’t want to go into work.
Phoebe: Then don’t.
Monica: Ah Pheebs, some of us have to work for a living. I don’t go to work, I don’t get paid.
Phoebe: I wish I had a job.
Monica: Why? You’ve got it made in the shade.
Phoebe: Huh?
Monica: You’re living off a multi-million dollar trust fund. You don’t have to left a finger ever again.
Phoebe: But I’m bored.
Monica: I know, come work at the restaurant. You can help me in the kitchen.
Phoebe: No, I don’t like to cook.
Monica: Ok, how about being a waitress? (Phoebe just looks at her) Right, a waitperson.
Phoebe: I could totally do that!
Monica: Ok, you’re hired.
Phoebe: Like it was ever a question of you not hiring me.
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross is asleep on the couch, there’s a knock on the door)
Ross (groggy): You damn kids, stop knocking on my door and running away!
(Ross opens the door. It’s Jennifer Aniston)
Jennifer: Hi Ross! Wow, you look like you just woke up.
Ross: I did. What are you doing here?
Jennifer: Didn’t Rachel tell you I was coming?
Ross: Yeah, but she said you weren’t coming until the 11th.
Jennifer: It is the 11th.
Ross: I knew that. Come on in.
Jennifer: So where’s Rachel?
Ross: Right, Rachel, yeah she’s at work.
Jennifer: Why aren’t you teaching?
Ross: Already did. My lecture was so boring it made me tired. Wanna get some coffee or something?
Jennifer: Sounds good.
Ross: Let me just call Rachel, I’ll tell her to meet us there.
Jennifer (picking up a picture of Rachel): Wow, I never realized how much she looks like me.
JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey and Courteney are present)
Courteney: You know what I was thinking?
Joey: How damn good looking I am?
Courteney: No, though that’s true. I was thinking that we’ve been dating for three months now and I wanted to tell you something.
Joey: Alright.
Courteney: I love you.
Joey: I like you too.
Courteney: Don’t you mean you love me too?
Joey: That’s what I said.
Courteney: No, you said I like you too.
Joey: Means the same thing.
Courteney: No it doesn’t!
Joey: What are you getting all bent out of shape for?
Courteney: You know what, I’m leaving, I’m not wasting my time anymore. Bye Joey.
Joey: Could you at least tell me what I did?
Courteney: It’s not what you did, it’s what you didn’t do!
Joey: I’m still not following ya.
Courteney: That’s your problem Joey, you never think of others’ feelings.
Joey: Whoa, wait a minute! I care for you. I care how you feel.
Courteney: I love you.
Joey: I like you too.
Courteney: That’s what I thought, goodbye. (Courteney leaves)
Joey (at the door): Don’t forget, dinner at 8!
ALLESANDRO’S (Monica is working in the kitchen. Phoebe enters)
Monica: Hey Pheebs, how’s the waitering going?
Phoebe: This is the best job ever!
Monica: Don’t say that too loud.
Phoebe: Why not?
Monica: Because a lot of the other waiters are struggling actors and they hate waitering.
Phoebe: I always wondered why Joey worked here. Anyway, I’ve been getting all of this money from my customers.
Monica: They’re called tips.
Phoebe: I get to keep this money?
Monica: Yup.
Phoebe: Do I get to keep the phone numbers too?
Monica: You’ve been getting phone numbers?
Phoebe: Tons!
Monica: How, how, how are you getting phone numbers?
Phoebe: I ask for them.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Well, if I see a cute guy, I tell him that I’ll comp him his meal if he’ll give me his phone number. It works like a charm.
Monica: Phoebe! You can’t give away food! Only the manager and I can give away food!
Phoebe: Oh no.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Jennifer are present. There’s a huge crowd around them)
Gunther: You know, you look just like my friend Rachel.
Jennifer: Yeah, I see the resemblance too.
Girl #1: Where’s Brad?
Jennifer: He’s on location.
Guy #1: Why are you here with him?
Jennifer: Because he’s my bud.
Guy #2: But he’s a dork.
Ross: Hey pal! I’ll show you who’s the dork!
Jennifer: Relax Ross, I’ll handle this. (to guy #2) Hey buddy, if you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth and we were responsible for re-populating the earth, I got to tell ya, it wouldn’t happen. You see, your girlfriend has been telling everyone that you’re a premature ejaculator. You’d get one look at me naked, a bam, it’s over before it even started.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, oh yeah, well…. (guy #2 leaves)
Ross: That was great.
(Rachel enters)
Rachel: Jennifer! Welcome to New York. (to Ross) Have you taken her to meet the gang yet?
Ross: No, we were waiting for you.
Rachel: Oh, I just saw the funniest thing. There was some guy walking down the street crying and saying that he was gonna break-up with his girlfriend and he kept saying that he wasn’t a premature ejaculator.
ALLESANDRO’S (Continued from before)
Monica: I can’t believe this. I hire you and you immediately get yourself into trouble.
Phoebe: Well no one else knows.
Monica: Bill’s gonna find out.
Phoebe: Who’s Bill?
Monica: The manager.
Phoebe: Well, I’ll just donate my tips.
Monica: Wait, how have you been ringing up your customers?
Phoebe: I haven’t gotten home yet. Like I’d have time to call.
Monica (frustrated): No Phoebe, how have you been ringing up your orders?
Phoebe: We’re supposed to ring them up?
Monica: Yes!
Phoebe: You didn’t tell me that.
Monica: You told me you knew what you were doing!
Phoebe: I generally do.
Monica: So how have you been charging the customers?
Phoebe: I just add up their orders on this (shows her a calculator), calculate the sales tax and give them their bill. Then when they pay, I pocket the cash.
Monica: What if they charge their bill?
Phoebe: Then I do the charge thingy.
Monica: The charge thingy?
Phoebe: Yeah, that machine that you run the charge cards through. I’m not completely stupid.
Monica: This keeps getting better.
(Cut to Ross, Rachel, and
Jennifer. They stop by Chandler and
Monica’s but no one is home. They go to
Joey’s and he’s gone as well. They go
to Phoebe’s and of course, she’s not home)
Jennifer: Are you sure you guys have friends?
Ross: We do, I swear.
Rachel: I can’t believe Joey’s not home, he’s always home.
Ross: Shall we go get dinner?
Jennifer: You know what? I’m really tired, how about we eat-in. How does Chinese sound?
Rachel: Chinese it is.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Chandler are present)
Joey: I pissed off Courteney.
Chandler: What did you do now?
Joey: I dunno. She told me that she loved me and I said I liked her too.
Chandler: There’s your answer.
Joey (looking around): Where?
Chandler: Joey, you were supposed to say I love you too.
Joey: But I did!
Chandler: No you didn’t.
Joey: Yes, I did.
Chandler: No you didn’t.
Joey: Yes, I did.
Chandler: Ok, stop. Look, if you want to fix this, you’ve got to figure out if you love her or not.
If you do, then go tell her.
Joey: Why do I have to tell her? Isn’t it enough that I show her?
Chandler: No.
Joey: But I’ve never said those words to anyone.
Chandler: Not even your family?
Joey: That’s different.
Chandler: It really isn’t that different. Look, I was scared as hell to tell Monica that I loved her, but after I did, man, it was the best feeling in the world.
Joey: You know what, I really do think I love her. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.
Chandler: Then go and tell her before it’s too late.
Gunther: There you guys are. Ross and Rachel were looking for you.
Joey: What did they want?
Gunther: They wanted to introduce Jennifer Aniston to you.
Chandler: They’re still on that? Like they know Jennifer Aniston.
Gunther: And Jennifer looks just like Rachel.
Joey: Well maybe because they’re one in the same.
PHOEBE & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Joey is at the door, he knocks.)
Joey: Courteney, it’s Joey, we’re gonna be late for dinner. (no answer) Come on Courteney, I’m sorry. (no answer. Courteney approaches Joey from behind)
Courteney: What are you doing here?
Joey: We had dinner plans, remember?
Courteney: Yeah, (opening the door) well that was before this afternoon. See you around. (closes the door on Joey’s face)
Joey: Courteney? Courteney open the door. (pause) I’m not leaving until you open this door.
(15 minutes later)
Joey: I’m still here. Please open the door.
(Courteney opens the door)
Courteney: Go home Joey. I don’t want to see you anymore.
Joey: I love you too.
Courteney: What?
Joey: I love you.
Courteney: Are you serious?
Joey: I said it, I love you. I’m crazy about you. Can we go get dinner now? I’m starving.
Courteney: You really love me?
Joey: Yes, I do. I have never said it to any woman I’ve dated before because I didn’t know what it meant to be in love, now I know. Ladies and Gentlemen, I love Courteney Cox.
Courteney: I love you too. How about we skip dinner and go straight for dessert?
ALLESANDRO’S (Monica and Phoebe are cleaning up the kitchen)
Monica: So did you input all your orders?
Phoebe: Yes ma’am.
Monica: Don’t call me that.
Phoebe: What should I call you?
Monica: Anything but that.
Phoebe: Well anything but that, I inputted all of my orders and I balanced out. I have $400 in tips.
Monica: $400? Are you sure you did it right?
Phoebe: Yeah, Bill helped me.
Monica: You told Bill what you did?!
Phoebe: Sure. I told him I was new.
Monica: And he just helped you? He didn’t fire you?
Phoebe: Oh, and I also told him I’d go out with him if he didn’t fire me.
Monica: And he agreed?
Phoebe: Of course, who wouldn’t want to go out with me?
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)
Monica: Have you guys seen Ross and Rachel?
Chandler: No, apparently they have found a new friend in Jennifer Aniston. Can you believe they’re still on that kick?
Joey: If they know Jennifer Aniston, I’ll wear a dress for a full day.
Phoebe: That I want to see.
Chandler: I’ve seen it, it ain’t a pretty picture.
Joey: Chandler! That was between us!
Monica: Thank God you two don’t live together anymore.
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: So where’s your imaginary friend Jennifer?
Rachel: She was talking to Brad. She’s gonna meet us here.
Phoebe: You guys have imaginary friends too?
Monica: You know, you really shouldn’t make stuff up. You’re gonna look real foolish when Jennifer doesn’t show up.
Rachel: We didn’t make her up, she’s here in New York and she’s staying with us for a few days.
Phoebe: My imaginary friend stays with me all the time. He’s always there when I need someone to talk to.
Ross: Pheebs, I thought you quit smoking pot?
Chandler (to Joey): You better hope they don’t really know Jennifer Aniston.
Ross: Why?
Chandler: Because if you do, he’s wearing a dress for a full day.
Rachel (to Joey): You better go buy a nice pair of pumps.
(Jennifer enters)
Jennifer: Hey guys, so where’s this gang of friends you’ve been telling me about?
(Everyone but Ross and Rachel just stare at her)
Rachel (to Joey): So whose dress are you gonna borrow?
Ross: Jen, I’d like you to meet my sister Monica.
Monica: Hi. (touching Jennifer on the arm) Wow, you really are real!
Ross: This is her husband Chandler.
Chandler: Ah, ah….
Ross: Ok, Chandler’s in a state of shock. Over here is Phoebe.
Phoebe: Man you have a great ass! Or something a little less offensive.
Jennifer: Ah, thanks.
Ross: And this is Joey. He’s gonna be wearing a dress all day tomorrow.
Jennifer: Ok.
Joey: How you doin?
Jennifer: Fine, how you doin?
Rachel: So do you guys believe us now?
Joey: I can’t believe I’m wearing a dress tomorrow.
Chandler: If you keep it up, you’ll be like my Dad.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel and Jennifer are present)
Ross: Where’s Chandler and Joey?
Monica: Chandler went with Joey to pick up a dress for Joey.
Rachel: He’s really gonna go through with this?
Phoebe: Of course he is. He’s a man of his word.
(Chandler enters)
Chandler: Ladies and Gentlemen, if I could have your attention please. I would like to present to you the newest debutant in New York City, Ms. Joey Tribbiani.
(Joey enters in a mini-skirt and the entire coffee house starts laughing)
Jennifer: Nice mini-skirt Joey, but you forgot to put on your underwear.