THE ONE WITH THE OUTING
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed. Rachelís awake. Caitlin is crying - itĎs four a.m.)
Rachel: Ross? (no answer) Ross, wake up! (no answer - Rachel now kicks Ross) Ross!
Rachel: Are you awake?
Ross: I am now!
Rachel: The babyís crying.
Ross: Sheís probably hungry. You need to feed her.
Rachel: But I fed her at midnight.
Ross: And she needs to be fed again. They eat like every four hours in the beginning.
Rachel: Would you do it?
Ross: I would if I could but I canít. Youíre the one lactating, so youíre the one who has to feed her. Iím going back to sleep.
Rachel: Fine. Iíll feed the baby. See if I ever help you out again.
Ross: Honey, itís not my fault that God only gave me nipples for show.
Rachel: Yeah, God gave man a penis and all the glory.
Ross: I see that youíre finally learning. Goodnight.
Rachel: Ross Geller, you get out of that bed and watch me feed our child! If Iím gonna be a zombie in the morning, you are too!
(Ross gets out of bed and goes with Rachel to feed Caitlin)
Ross: Thatís the last time you guilt me into getting up with you.
Rachel: Answer me this, when was the last time you got your way?
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Rachel is present)
Monica: You look like hell Ross.
Ross: Rachel made me get up with her every time Caitlin cried. Iím functioning on about four hours of sleep.
Joey: What are you getting up for? Itís not like you can do anything about it.
Chandler: Yeah, youíre the man of the household. You should be the one getting all the sleep.
Monica: Youíre in for a rude awakening when we have children Chandler.
Monica: You think IĎm bossy now, wait until we have children.
Phoebe: I donít see what the big deal is. So Ross has to get up with Rachel, so what? Theyíre both parents now and they have to share the responsibility of raising their child.
Ross: Have you been talking to Rachel?
Phoebe: Maybe. Why?
Ross: Because thatís exactly what she said to me at breakfast.
Chandler (to Ross): Iíve got three tickets to the Rangers game tonight. Are you in?
Ross: Iíll have to ask Rachel and get back to you.
Joey: What? Ask Rachel? Is she your keeper now or something?
Ross: I canít just leave Rachel alone with the baby without asking her first.
Joey: My God, sheís killed independent Ross.
Phoebe (to Monica): See, these two are perfect examples of why we should have our tubes tied.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are present)
Joey: You guys wanna go the movies?
Chandler: LetĎs go bowling.
Phoebe: I say we do what weíre doing right now.
Joey: But weíre not doing anything.
Phoebe: Exactly, itís what you do best Joey.
Joey: This is true.
Chandler: Oh look, Barry Manilow is in concert down at the Garden.
Phoebe: And the mystery continues to grow.
Chandler: So I like Barry Manilow. Whatís the big deal?
Joey: The big deal is that you like him. First John Denver now Barry Manilow. Whoís next, Yanni?
Chandler: Is Yanni coming in concert? I love Yanni.
Phoebe: Yeah, you are definitely gay.
Monica: Hey. (walking over to Chandler and kissing him) Hey honey.
Chandler: Would you please tell these guys that Iím not gay.
Monica: Heís not gay. Heís all man.
Joey: Did you know that he likes John Denver, Barry Manilow and Yanni?
Phoebe: Could he be anymore gay?
Monica: He could. He could like Kenny G.
Chandler: Whatís wrong with Kenny G.? I love to listen to his music when Iím taking a bath.
Joey: Yeah, letís go Phoebe. The gayness in this room is causing me to doubt my sexuality.
Phoebe: Bye Mon.
Monica: See you guys.
(Phoebe and Joey leave)
Chandler: You donít think IĎm gay do you Mon?
Monica: If youíre gay, youíve had me fooled for a long time. And besides, you donít like it when I stick my finger up there anyway. If you were gay, youíd love it.
Chandler: Iím gonna put this rumor to rest for good.
Monica: What are you gonna do?
Chandler: Iíll tell you, but Iím gonna need your help.
Monica: Are you coming out of the closet?
Chandler: Joey will never know what hit him.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel is rocking Caitlin to sleep as Ross enters)
Rachel: Hey honey, how was class?
Ross: It was awesome if you were a student.
Rachel: Did you talk about dinosaurs having sex again?
Ross: No, it was exam day. I passed out the exams, and an hour later they handed them in.
Rachel: That sounds normal.
Ross: Thatís because I left the part out where I fell asleep at my desk.
Rachel: You fell asleep?
Ross: Yeah. They could have taken the exams, gone to the library and looked up the answers, come back to class and handed in their exams without me ever knowing.
Rachel: Did anybody do that?
Ross: The whole class did. They wouldíve have left me sleeping there if Monty Montgomerie hadnít tripped over my briefcase and awakened me. All Monty said was ďsee you on Tuesday dude.Ē Look Rach, weíve got to do something about the night shift. I canít be getting up with you every time Caitlin cries. Iím so tired I can barely teach.
Rachel: So youíre saying that you want me to handle the late shift too.
Ross: Yeah, thanks for understanding.
Rachel: You want me to handle the late shift after Iíve spend the entire day taking care of Caitlin.
Ross: You donít mind do you?
Rachel: No, not at all. I love the fact that I change her, feed her and clothe her while youíre off sleeping or working or cavorting with Joey and Chandler. Itís not a problem at all.
Ross: Iím sensing that this isnít ok with you.
Rachel: Why wouldnít it be? Thatís what you want isnít it? A barefoot and pregnant wife.
Ross: How íbout this? I get up with you for the 4 am feeding and take her for a couple of hours when I get home from work to allow you to do your thing. Would that work?
Rachel: Youíre getting warmer.
Ross: You want me to make dinner every night donít you?
Rachel: And the deal has been struck.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Joey and Rachel are present)
Phoebe: Whereís Caitlin Rach?
Rachel: Ross took her for awhile. Actually sheís sleeping so Ross is just watching her. He always gets the easy shifts.
Joey: I remember when I was babyÖ..
Phoebe: How is that possible?
Joey: I guess I just have a really good memory. What was I talking about again?
Rachel: AnywayÖ.this motherhood thing is hard. Caitlin wants my constant attention.
Phoebe: I think youíre exaggerating a little. Sheís a baby, she sleeps ĺ of the day.
Rachel: Well itís still hard not to watch her, even if sheĎs just sleeping. Iíll tell you one thing though, my nipples are killing me.
Joey: Ross sucking on them too hard again Rach?
Rachel: No Joey, Caitlin is.
(Monica enters - sheís been crying)
Rachel: My God Monica, whatís wrong?
Monica: Iím fine. Iím fine.
Phoebe: No youíre not. You look like Chandler just dropped a bomb on you.
Monica: Is it that obvious?
Joey: You guys are getting a divorce?
(Monica bursts into tears)
Phoebe: Way to go Joey.
Rachel: What happened Mon?
Monica: You know that closet that we always kid Chandler about?
Phoebe: The gay one?
Monica: Yeah. Well he just came out of it.
Rachel: ChandlerĎs, ChandlerĎs, ChandlerĎs, heísÖ.
Phoebe: Heís gay?! I guess he really didnít fall far from the tree.
Joey: No way, heís not gay. Heís just messing with you.
Monica: Then why was he wearing my dress and make-up when I came home from work?
Joey: Maybe he was just trying to connect on a psychic level with his father.
Monica: Well how do you explain the fact that he wants a divorce so he can explore his new found sexuality?
Joey: Iím telling ya, thereís no way Chandlerís gay.
Chandler: Hey guys.
Joey: Dude, the girls are talking crap about you. YouĎre not gay are you?
Chandler: Iím as gay as they come man. Itís time I own up to the fact that Iím gay. Iím just like my father.
Joey: Man, you think you know someone and the next thing you know theyíre gay. I canít take this.
Phoebe: Joey, donít say things like that, this has to be hard on Chandler. Youíre his best friend, be supportive.
Joey: I canít, I just canít handle this. Iíll see you guys later.
Chandler: Fine acting Monica.
Monica: You too sweetie.
Phoebe: Hey, what about Rachel and I?
Chandler: Yes, your performance was Oscar caliber.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross is holding Caitlin and talking to her. Rachel quietly enters)
Ross: See this picture, thatís what Mommy looked like before she got all fat and ugly.
Ross: You didnít hear that did you?
Rachel: The part about my being fat and ugly? No, I didnít hear that you butthead.
Ross: I was just kidding.
Rachel: Whenís dinner?
Ross: Oh, about thatÖ.
Rachel: You didnít make dinner did you?
Ross: Well I was so busy entertaining Caitlin that I forgot. Iíll order some Chinese or something.
Ross: How was Central Perk?
Rachel: You didnít miss much, just the usual bane conversations. Oh, and Chandler came out of the closet. He and Monica are getting a divorce.
Ross (who nearly drops Caitlin): What?!
Rachel: Ross, watch what youíre doing! You almost dropped her on her head!
Ross: Iím sorry. Iím just a little in shock. Say that again?
Rachel: Chandlerís gay. He came out of the closet. All the teasing finally made him realize that heís gay.
Ross: It canít be, it canít beÖ.
Rachel: But it is. Heís gay.
Ross: Here, take Caitlin.
Rachel: Whereíre you going? What about dinner?
Ross: Iím going to talk to Chandler.
Rachel: Bring back some Kung Pao chicken when you come back! This is so much fun.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are present)
Chandler: Ross should be showing up any minute now. You better go in our room.
Monica: Man, I so want to see Rossís face when you tell him that youíre in love with Joey.
Chandler: Yeah, heíll be crushed that I didnít pick him. Now go.
(Monica goes into their bedroom and shuts the door just as Ross enters)
Ross: Ah, hey.
Chandler: I guess you heard.
Ross: Heard what?
Chandler: That Iím gay.
Ross: Yeah about that, this isnít because we tease you all the time, is it?
Chandler: Well it helped me get my mind straight. Iíve been confused for a long time. Iím just sorry that Monica got caught in the middle. I really do love her. This has been really hard on her.
Ross: Maybe youíre just going through a phase.
Chandler: No. The fact of the matter is that Iím in love with someone else and itís not a woman.
Ross: Who is it? Is it that guy Brian down at your office?
Chandler: No, itís not Brian. Itís someone you know.
Ross: Is it Gunther?
Chandler: God no! (pause) Guntherís gay?
Ross: I think he is now. Ever since Rachel shot him down at our wedding heís been dating only men. Who is it then?
Ross: Youíre in love with Joey?
Ross: I have to sit down. Thereís no place to sit down!
Chandler: Hereís a chair.
Ross: Ok, I need to stand. Does he know?
Chandler: Not yet. I havenít had the chance to tell him. How do you think heíll react?
Ross: He might just kick your ass.
Chandler: You donít think I can convert him?
Ross: Joey? You wanna convert Joey? Hell will freeze over and the heavens will divide before you can convert Joey to your side of the fence.
Chandler: So youíre pretty much saying that my love for Joey will be unrequited.
Ross: Unless you think hell will freeze over and the heavens will divide, yes, you donít stand a chance in hell. Look, I gotta get back to Rachel and the baby, weíll talk about this later. Oh, one more thing, Iím gonna kick your ass for hurting my sister and you better not fight like a girl.
(Ross leaves. Monica emerges from the bedroom)
Chandler: Great, now Iím gonna get my ass kicked by both Joey and Ross.
Monica: You donít have to worry about Ross. Iíll teach you how to kick his ass. But youíre on your own with Joey.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters)
Rachel: Well, did you talk to Chandler?
Ross: Yeah, I guess youíre right, heĎs come out of the closet.
Rachel: Did you try to put him back in?
Ross: Heís my friend, Iím not gonna turn my back on him just because heís gay.
Rachel: Thatís great. Iím really proud of you.
Ross: I am however gonna kick his ass for hurting my sister. Whereís Monica by the way? I should really talk to her.
Rachel: I donít know where she went.
(Ross goes over to the window and looks up at Chandler & Monicaís apartment. Chandler and Monica are making out)
Ross: You know, for a gay man, Chandler still has a way with the ladies.
Ross: Chandlerís making out with Monica. What the hell is going on?
Rachel: I donĎt know.
Rachel: Itís a joke. Weíre playing a joke on Joey by telling him that Chandlerís gay. Since you werenít at the coffee house, we decided to try to fool you too.
Ross (laughing): Well it totally worked. I really thought Chandler was telling the truth.
Rachel: Do you sometimes feel that Chandler may be gay?
Ross: No. No, I donít. Why?
Rachel: I donít know. He likes John Denver, Yanni, Barry Manilow, Cher and Kenny G. On top of that he likes figure skating. That doesnít wreak of gayness to you?
Ross: So he has terrible musical taste, except for Kenny G. of course, Kenny G. rules. Iíll give you figure skating though.
Rachel: Yeah, I worry about you too. Youíre two Kenny G. CDís from being gay yourself.
JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)
Phoebe: Come on Joey, itís not the end of the world.
Joey: Yes it is. I was his roommate for seven years. Never once did he say anything about being gay.
Phoebe: Joey, the signs have been there for years. He likes John Denver, Barry Manilow, Yanni and Kenny G. He has all of Cherís CDís. He has a videotape collection of every ice dancing competition thatís ever been on television.
Joey: So heís a little girly. That doesnít make him gay.
Phoebe: But he is Joey, youíre just gonna have to face up to the fact that Chandler came out of the closet.
Joey: Well shove him back in, no friend of mine is gonna be gay.
Phoebe: Thatís real mature Joey. Heís your best friend and youíre gonna turn your back on him.
Chandler: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to Joey for a minute?
Phoebe: Is Monica home?
Chandler: She went to Ross and Rachelís to see the baby. I guess sheís gonna stay there until I find a new place to live.
Phoebe: Ok. Iíll see you later.
Joey: Look Chandler, I donít have anything to say to you.
Chandler: I understand why youíre mad at me Joey. Just let me explain.
Joey: Thereís nothing to say. Youíre gay and Iím not. End of story.
Chandler: I thought you were my friend. I thought youíd be the one person I could count on to help me through this difficult time.
Joey: Well I guess you thought wrong.
Chandler: Boy, this is gonna be tough. Joey, do you know what made me realize that I was gay?
Chandler: I realized that I was madly in love with you.
Chandler: Iím in love with you Joey.
Joey: Get out! Get out of here now! There will be no gay talk in this apartment! Get out before I kick your ass!
Chandler: Fine, Iíll go. I know youíre not gay Joey, but I just had to tell you how I feel. I hope this doesnít hurt our friendship.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone but Joey is present)
Monica (to Chandler): Isnít she cute?
Chandler: Yes Rachel is as gorgeous as the day I met her.
Rachel: Thank you Chandler.
Ross: Are you hitting on my wife?
Monica: I wasnĎt talking about Rachel. The baby, isnít the baby cute?
Chandler: Yes, the baby is precious. (Everyone just looks at Chandler) Itís comments like that isnít it?
Phoebe (whoĎs at the door): Well the noise has stopped at our apartment. I think heís done throwing things.
Chandler: I think this joke went too far.
Rachel: I donít. Joey has to learn sooner or later that itís ok to be gay. It doesnít make you any less of a person if youíre gay.
Ross: I do have to say though, you were very convincing Chandler. I just wish you had wanted me instead of Joey.
Rachel (to Chandler): I told you.
Phoebe: Here he comes! Hide!
(Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, Caitlin and Monica hide - Chandler sits down on the couch. Joey enters)
Joey: Look, Iím sorry about before.
Chandler: Itís ok, itís how Ross reacted too.
Joey: Itís just a lot to take in you know. I mean Iíve known you for years. Weíve gone to all those strip clubs together. You stole Kathy from me. Now all of the sudden you tell me your gay, and well I just didnít know how to handle it.
(Caitlin starts crying in the guest bedroom - cut to the bedroom)
Rachel: Shush. Here, hereís youíre pacifier. Thatís a good girl.
(Cut to the living room)
Joey: Did you hear that?
Chandler: Hear what?
Joey: It sounded like a baby crying.
Chandler: It mustíve been from the TV.
Joey: The TV isnít even on. Is Rachel here with Caitlin?
Chandler: No. Are you sure you didnít get hit in the head when you were destroying your apartment?
Joey: How do you know that I destroyed my apartment?
Chandler: Well, well, well I heard it all the way over here.
(Caitlin starts crying/screaming. This time itís really loud)
Joey: Whoís in there?
Chandler: Whatíd ya mean? Thereís no one here but you and I.
Joey: Nah uh. Rachelís in there with Caitlin. (Joey opens the door and turns on the light) Rachel, what are you doing in there?
Rachel (emerging from the bedroom with Caitlin): I was nursing.
Joey: In the dark?
Rachel: Yeah, I have this phobia about people seeing my nipples.
Joey: Well I better go man. IĎll talk to you later. Maybe we can go ice skating or something?
Chandler: Ice Skating? Isnít that a little gay?
Joey: Yeah, but I know that you like it.
(Everyone else emerges from Monicaís bedroom)
Joey: Whatís going on here?
Chandler: Iím not gay Joey. We were just messing with you.
Joey: What?! Thatís not even f$cking funny!
Monica: I think you were right honey, we went to far.
Joey: You went too far? You went so far, you went so farÖ.you just went too far! Thatís not even funny! I destroyed my whole apartment!
Phoebe: Thatís ok sweetie, thatís why we have insurance.
Joey: You guys are supposed to be my friends! Iíd never do that to any of you!
Monica: And yet you destroyed your apartment because your best friend told you that he was gay.
Phoebe: Face it Joey, you had a hard time accepting the fact that Chandler was gay. You didnít know how to handle it.
Joey: Well Ross did too!
Ross: I did, but I didnít destroy my apartment. I was there for him. I talked with him about it.
Joey: Well I was there for him too. It just took me a little bit longer. I even said Iíd go ice skating with him and I donít even know how to ice skate. You know what, you guys suck. Iíll see you later.
Chandler: Houston, I think we have a problem.
CHANDLER & MONICAĎS APARTMENT (Chandler is watching TV as Joey comes in)
Chandler: Are you still mad at me?
Joey: A little.
Chandler: Wanna beer?
Joey: Itís two in the morning.
Chandler: So youíre saying I have a drinking problem.
Joey: No, I just didnít know you drank beer this late.
Chandler: I donít. But what the hell.
Joey: I just wanted to say one thing.
Chandler: Whatís that?
Joey: I love you man.
Chandler: I love you too.
Joey: Thatís not as in gay love is it?
Chandler: Do you want it to be?
Joey: No, definitely not.
Chandler: Should we hug?
Joey: Definitely not.
Chandler: Itís good to have you as my best friend.
Joey: Itís too bad youíve been replaced by Phoebe.