THE ONE WITH THE PAPERS
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Chandler is present)
Rachel: How are you holding up Monica? (no answer) Monica?
Rachel: How are you holding up?
Monica: Like crap. I just wish I knew where he was. I mean it's been a week already.
Joey: He's at your parents.
Ross: Chandler went to my Mom and Dad's? What, does he think he's part of the family or something?
Monica (mad): Why didn't you tell me Joey?
Joey: Don't get mad at me. He told me not to tell you.
Phoebe: I'm impressed Joey, you actually kept a secret.
Joey: I have my moments.
Rachel: I don't think this is the situation to have a moment Joe.
Joey: I never get anything right do I?
Monica: No, as a matter of fact you don't! (Monica gets off the couch to use the phone)
Joey: What's her problem?
Rachel: You really are stupid aren't you?
Joey: I don't have a fourth grade reading level for the fun of it.
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before - Monica sits back down on the couch)
Rachel: Was he there?
Monica: No. My Mom said he went to see his lawyer.
Ross: Why would he go see his lawyer? He doesn't even have a lawyer.
Phoebe: This coming from a man who's used his divorce lawyer three times already.
Joey: Chandler's getting a divorce?
Monica (bursting into tears): Oh my God!
Phoebe: Mon, don't cry. It doesn't mean anything. Maybe he's just setting up a will.
Ross: Why'd he do that?
Phoebe: Maybe he's gonna do himself in. (Monica starts crying harder)
Rachel: Phoebe! You're not helping! (to Monica) Mon sweetie, it doesn't mean anything. At least it doesn't mean anything until Chandler talks to you.
Joey: Yeah Mon, Chandler's more likely to set up a will than to get divorce papers prepared.
Monica: You think so?
Joey: Sure. If anyone should be preparing divorce papers it's me or Phoebe.
Phoebe: He's definitely got a point there.
Ross: You two gonna end your sham of a marriage?
Phoebe: Every good thing comes to end at some point.
Rachel: You two are really twisted.
Phoebe: You should see us in the pretzel position.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica is talking to her parents on the phone. Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present)
Monica: Just tell him to call Mom. (pause) I know he doesn't want to talk to me but I have to talk to him (pause) I don't want to find someone else Dad. I want Chandler. (pause) Mom! He's my husband. I love him. (pause) Ok, ok, thanks. (hangs up the phone) Those two drive me nuts.
Rachel: Where's Chandler now?
Monica: He went to work.
Ross: Well why don't you go down there and talk to him?
Monica: I could do that.
Ross: It's better than sitting around here waiting for him to call. Do you remember what you told me when Rachel broke up with me?
Monica: Yeah, I told you to stop calling or I'd turn you into the police as a stalker.
Rachel (to Ross): That's how she got you to stop bugging me?
Ross: After that Mon. Go forward a couple of years. You told me to go after Rachel if I still loved her. You know what I did?
Rachel: Got involved with Rebecca?
Ross: For once would you leave that alone! I went after her and I finally landed her for good and I'll never let her go now.
Rachel: Since when did I become your slave?
Ross: Would you shut up?! I'm trying to make a point.
Rachel: And pissing me off at the same time?
Ross: Monica, go after Chandler. He'll come back to you if that's what you want him to do.
Monica: But what if he doesn't?
Rachel: He will Monica. He loves you and he won't stay away forever.
JOEY & PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe's on the phone)
Phoebe: Hi, is this Jackie Chiles's office? (pause) Great. I'd like to make an appointment to see him.
THE SET OF GENERAL HOSPITAL (Joey is on a break. He's using the phone)
Joey: Hi, is this Adrianna Velez's office? (pause) Yeah, I need to make an appointment to see her. She's booked? 'Til when? (pause) No, I need to see her right away, it's an emergency. (pause) Ok, great, I'll see her this afternoon.
TOYS R US (Chandler is working in his office as his new secretary enters)
Chandler: Yeah Petra?
Petra: There's someone here to see you.
Chandler: Who is it?
Petra: I think it's your wife.
Petra: No Chandler, your wife, not sh^t.
Chandler: Send her in.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present. Ross is throwing Caitlin up in the air and catching her)
Rachel: Would you please not do that?
Ross: Why not? She loves it.
Rachel: Because if you miss and she cracks her head open I'm going to personally kill you by slitting your throat and defecating down it.
Ross: You're really no fun now that we have a kid.
Rachel: Caitlin is not an amusement park.
Ross: You're not much amusement these days either.
Rachel: Are you trying to pick a fight? I haven't had more than five hours of sleep in two months and I'm extremely bitchy at the moment. But if you want a fight mister, I'll give you a f^cking fight!
Ross: I'm sorry. Though you're right, you've really been bitchy lately.
Rachel: That does it! Put Caitlin down and come over here!
Ross: No. Why don't you go lie down for a couple of hours? I'll watch Caitlin while you take a nap.
Rachel: Oh, that's so sweet. Thanks honey. (Rachel goes into the bedroom)
Ross: See Caitlin, you just have to know how to handle bitchy women.
Rachel: I heard that you bastard!
TOYS R US (Chandler and Monica are present)
Monica: Surprised to see me?
Chandler: More like annoyed. What do you want? I've got a lot of things to do.
Monica: I just wanted to see when you're coming home.
Chandler: I'm not sure yet.
Monica: Everyone misses you, but not as much as me.
Chandler: I miss them too.
Monica: Don't you miss me?
Chandler: You think I would, but I really don't.
Monica (losing her composure): Oh. I see. Well I guess I'll see you later.
Chandler: Yeah, we'll see. (Monica turns to leave with tears in her eyes)
Monica (her back to Chandler): I love you Chandler.
(Monica leaves and Chandler sits down and wipes his watery eyes - Petra enters)
Petra: Are you alright?
Chandler: I'm fine.
Petra: You don't look ok.
Chandler (mad): I said I'm fine.
Petra: Donna needs to see you.
Chandler: Ok. Tell her I'll be right there.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel - who's sleeping - and Caitlin are present)
Ross: We'll just leave a note for Mommy and then we'll go. (Ross writes Rachel a note and places it on the bedside table) Ok, let's go see where Daddy works.
(Ross and Caitlin leave. The wind kicks up and the note on the table flies onto the floor and under the bed)
JOEY & PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Joey is present. Monica enters. Monica is upset)
Joey: Hey Mon! Whoa! You look like crap!
Monica: I feel like crap! Chandler's gonna leave me!
Joey: Are you sure? How do you know?
Monica: I went to see him at his office. He was so cold and distant. I told him that I loved him and he didn't even answer me back.
Joey: That does it! This is stupid! Where does he work?
Monica: No Joey, don't get involved.
Joey: It's too late for that Mon. I became involved the minute I asked you to audition for that stupid role. Now where's his office?
Monica: 1005 52nd Street, 27th Floor.
Joey: I'll be back. Chandler will be home by midnight. I promise you that.
Joey: Yeah Mon?
Monica: Hit him extra hard for me.
Joey: I wasn't gonna hit him, I was just gonna talk to him.
Monica: Well just hit him for me anyway.
JACKIE CHILES LAW OFFICE (Phoebe and Jackie Chiles are present)
Phoebe: Thanks for meeting with me Mr. Chiles.
Jackie: It's my pleasure. What do you need? You weren't very clear on the phone.
Phoebe: I need to set up a living trust. I'm a very rich woman.
Jackie: Really, I can't tell from the way that you're dressed.
Phoebe: Yes I realize that. But if you saw me naked you'd see that very well endowed.
ADRIANA VELEZ LAW OFFICE (Joey and Adriana Velez are present)
Joey: So that's it?
Adriana: Yes. Now about my bill, how are you going to pay? Cash? Credit card? Check?
Joey: I thought you were doing this as a favor to me.
Adriana: I changed my mind.
Joey: How about I take you to dinner?
Adriana: You're getting warmer.
Joey: Dinner and a trip to the Tribbiani palace of love?
Adriana: It's nice doing business with you Joey. Pick me up at 8.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica is sleeping on the couch. Rachel enters)
Rachel: Monica? Chandler? Ross?
Monica (who's awakened): Chandler?
Rachel: Sorry Mon, it's only me. Have you seen Ross and Caitlin?
Monica: No, are they supposed to be here?
Rachel: I don't where they are. He went out with Caitlin without leaving me a note.
Monica: Why didn't he just tell you?
Rachel: I was taking a nap.
Monica: I'm sure everything is fine. Maybe he took her to the park.
Rachel: But it's raining outside.
Monica: I'm sure everything's fine. Maybe they just went somewhere to give you some space.
Rachel: You're probably right. How are you?
Monica: I went and saw Chandler.
Rachel: What'd he say?
Monica: Not much. He doesn't know if he's coming home or not. Joey went to talk some sense into him.
Rachel: Didn't Joey cause this problem?
Monica: Chandler's just being Chandler. Like I'd ever leave him for Joey.
Rachel: You did want to sleep with Joey in London.
Monica: God, imagine my life if that had happened.
Rachel: Yeah, they could make a movie about it. "A Nightmare on How You Doin' Street?".
Monica: Wanna go look for Ross and Caitlin?
Rachel: Yeah. Are you sure you're up to it?
Monica: Not really but it's better than sitting around here waiting for a husband that isn't coming home.
TOYS R US (Chandler's working in his office as Petra comes in)
Petra: Someone's here to see you.
Chandler: Is she back again? Can't she take a hint?
Petra: It's not your wife. It's some guy. He says his name is Regis Filange.
Chandler: That's original. Show him in.
Petra: I'll be right back. (Petra walks out to get Regis Filange) Mr. Filange, Mr. Bing will see you now.
Regis: Thank you Miss.
(Regis enters Chandler's office)
Regis: Mr. Bing.
Chandler: Well if it isn't the bastard who kissed my wife. What are you doing here Joey?
Joey: I'm here to talk some sense into you.
Chandler: How is that possible? You're as dumb as a post.
Joey: I may be stupid but not in matters of the heart.
Chandler: I really don't want to hear it Joey.
Joey (shutting the door to Chandler's office): Well you're gonna listen.
Chandler: Why'd you shut the door? Are you gonna kick my ass or something?
Joey: As a matter of fact, yes. I'm gonna kick your ass from here to China if you don't stop messing with your marriage.
Chandler: Stay out of it Joe.
Joey: This is stupid. You're mad at Monica because she kissed me? We were acting. Acting you moron.
Chandler: It's more than that.
Joey: It is?
Chandler: Yes, as a matter of fact it is. Look, I'm tired of being harassed by Monica. I never do anything right in her eyes. Maybe she should just be on her own for a while. Maybe she'll figure out that she misses me. Maybe she'll realize that I'm her husband who has his faults. I'm not perfect.
Joey: Did you tell her any of this?
Chandler: Not exactly.
Joey: Then why are you being a butthead? So you hit a rough spot in your marriage, so what? Is the first time that something like this has happened between you two?
Chandler: No. But….
Joey: No buts Chandler, do you love Monica?
Chandler: I don't know anymore.
Joey: Well she still loves you. I'll see you later, I have a date with my attorney.
Chandler: You have an attorney?
Joey: All actors have an attorney. You think I'm smart enough to negotiate my own contracts?
Chandler: Good point.
Joey: Oh, one more thing. If you wind up divorcing Monica, you're not only losing her, you're also losing everyone else too. Everybody thinks you’re an ass for pulling this stupid stunt. Just think about that. (Joey turns to leave)
Chandler: Thanks for coming down and not kicking my ass.
Joey: Oh thanks for reminding me. (Joey goes over to Chandler) You know that you're my best friend right?
Chandler: Yeah, why? (Joey slugs Chandler in the stomach)
Joey: That's why. That's from Monica.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Caitlin are present. Ross is talking to some young ladies)
Lady #1: She's so cute! She looks just like you.
Ross: Aw, you're just saying that.
Lady #2: No, she definitely has your nose.
Ross: Yeah, I guess she does.
Lady #3: And you're a single Dad?
Ross: No. I'm married.
(Rachel and Monica enter)
Lady #3 (rubbing Ross' arm): Are you sure you don't want to re-think that answer?
Rachel: Well do you Ross?
Ross: No, I'm definitely married. Rach, how's the love of my life?
Rachel: Let's just say that she's a little beyond pissed.
Ross: Maybe I'll just talk to Monica. What's up Mon? Any word from Chandler?
Monica (bursting into tears): No!
Rachel: Now look what you've done! Are you an idiot or something?
Ross: Not in that young lady's eyes. (Rachel stares at Ross) I'm an idiot. But hey, I left you a note that I was taking Caitlin out for a walk.
Rachel: You did not leave a note. Why do you think I'm so upset?
Ross: I left the note on the bedside table. Caitlin saw me write it.
Rachel: Don't drag our child into this!
Ross: Well let's go home and I'll show you the note!
Rachel: Lead the way Sherlock. (Ross and Rachel go to leave with Caitlin) Are you ok Mon?
Monica: I'm fine. Go fight like a married couple, someone has to pick up that mantle. (Ross and Rachel leave with Caitlin - Monica goes up to counter) Can I get a large mocha to go Gunther?
Gunther: Sure. I heard about Chandler and you, I'm really sorry.
Monica: Thanks. (Monica stands there for a minute)
Gunther: That'll be $2.50.
Man: I've got it.
Monica (turning around): Thank you…..Chandler!
Chandler: I figured now that I'm working again I can afford to buy you a cup of coffee.
Monica: Are you back to stay?
Chandler: Let's go talk about it.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present)
Ross: I'm telling you that I put the note on this table.
Rachel: Well where is it? It's definitely not there!
Ross: Rachel, do you honestly think I'd take Caitlin out without telling you?
Rachel: Yes I do. I'm going to watch TV.
Ross: Can't we at least talk about this?
Rachel: What's there to say? You lied to me. Again.
Ross: I'm not lying, I wrote you a stupid note. (Ross looks under the bed and finds the note)
Rachel: You say that every time you lie. You always try to find a way out of your lie.
Ross (emerging from the bedroom): Here's the note.
Rachel: Now you're writing notes after the fact? How pathetic are you?
Ross: Would you at least read the damn note?!
Rachel: "Rachel, I'm taking Caitlin for a walk. Have a good sleep. Love you, Ross". Yeah, so what?
Ross: Look at the paper.
Rachel: Yes Ross, I see that you just wrote this note on this piece of paper.
Ross: Look closer. Notice the last sentence.
Rachel: "Love you, Ross". Tell me something I don't know.
Ross: No you idiot, can't you see how the sentence is smudged?
Rachel: Ok. It's smudged, but that doesn't prove anything. You could've just written this note.
Ross: Come look in the bedroom. (Rachel follows Ross into the bedroom) Notice the water on the floor from the rain?
Rachel: Yeah, what's your point?
Ross: The last part of the note got wet from the rainwater. I found the note under the bed.
Ross: So I wrote you that note before I left. There's no way I wrote that note just now. The smudge part would still be wet.
Rachel: So you wrote me a note?
Ross: Of course I did. I know how you worry about Caitlin and me.
Rachel: And you?
Ross: You don't worry about me?
Rachel: Of course I do. (pause) Someone has to be around to take my crap.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are talking)
Monica: You've really been that unhappy?
Chandler: I guess. I just didn't realize it.
Monica: So this wasn't about me acting with Joey?
Chandler: No. It wasn't. I'm just tired of getting nagged about everything.
Monica: I do nag you a lot. Well as long as we're airing grievances, I think you should know that it pisses me off to no end that you don't share your feelings with me when you're upset.
Chandler: But that's why I'm here.
Monica: Chandler, you've been gone for a week.
Chandler: Maybe we should go see Dr. Guertin again.
Monica: I'd be up for that.
Chandler: Did you know that Joey hit me this afternoon?
Chandler: Yeah, he said it was from you.
Monica: It was. I asked him to do it. I'm sorry, I was just pissed that you were running away from our marriage.
Chandler: Well I've come back to try to make things right.
Monica: And I'm really glad that you did. I love you more than you can even imagine.
Chandler: That's why I came back. I love you too.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Chandler and Monica are present)
Joey: Oh Pheebs?
Joey: I have a date with my attorney tonight.
Phoebe: Ok. Do you need me to stay somewhere else tonight?
Joey: I don't know. May be you can join in.
Rachel: Joey! There's a child present!
Joey: Rach, the kid is two months old, she has no idea what a threesome is.
(Chandler and Monica enter holding hands)
Chandler: Hello children.
Phoebe: Are you home for good?
Monica: He's home for good.
Joey (to Monica): See, I told you I'd have him home by midnight.
Chandler: Stand up Joe, I wanna give you a big hug.
(Chandler hugs Joey. Chandler breaks the hug and slugs Joey in the stomach)
Joey (bent over at the knees): What was that for?
Chandler: You hit me earlier today.
Joey: But that was from Monica, not me.
Chandler: Well I'm not gonna hit my wife, but I will hit the messenger.
(A man enters Central Perk and walks over to Phoebe)
Man: Are you Ms. Phoebe Buffay?
Phoebe: Yeah. Who are you?
Man: I'm just here to deliver these to you. You've been served. Have a nice evening.
(Phoebe opens the envelope. She starts reading)
Rachel: What is it Pheebs? (no answer) Phoebe, what is it?
Phoebe (shocked and upset): I'm getting divorced.
Ross: How can you be getting divorced? You're not even married……Joey!
Joey: Happy six-month anniversary Pheebs! I've reduced your sentence. You're free to go.
Monica: Are you ok Phoebe?
Phoebe: I, I, I gotta go. (Phoebe runs out in tears)
Monica (to Joey): What is the matter with you?
Joey: What? I figured she'd be ecstatic.
Rachel: Phoebe is totally in love with you you idiot!
Joey: You mean it wasn't an act?
Ross: No Joe, it wasn't an act. She was really happy.
Chandler: And you say you're not stupid in matters of the heart.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed)
Ross: Did you find my note?
Rachel: What note?
Ross: The one I left you on the bedside table.
Rachel: Oh, the note where you asked me to play patient/doctor? That note?
Ross: That'd be the one. What do you think?
Rachel: Ain't gonna happen. This doctor's not making house calls tonight.
Ross: How 'bout if I just crawl under these blankets and give you medical attention? (Ross goes under the blankets)
Rachel: Stop it Ross. Stop, stop, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop……
Ross: I thought you didn't wanna play?
Rachel: Sorry, I didn't know who was gonna be the doctor and who was gonna be the patient.