THE ONE WITH THE PARTIES
Written by:†† Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone, including Courteney, Jennifer and Brad are present)
Jennifer (to Rachel):† One week until the wedding, are you excited?
Rachel:† Totally! I have this week off to get ready, the week after that for the honeymoon and the week after that to recover from the whole event.
Brad (to Ross):† How Ďbout you?
Ross:† Itís in one week? (Rachel glares at Ross)† Iím really stoked.†
Monica:† I remember when I got married.† The day went so fast.† Man, if I could only live that day over and over again Iíd be happy.†
Chandler:† Please donít make me repeat that day over and over again, once is enough.† (Monica glares at Chandler) Anyway, I bet Phoebe would love to live that day over and over again.†
Joey:† So Pheebs, are you gonna get drunk at the wedding reception?
Phoebe:† You betcha!† Why?
Joey:† Just needed to know if you were gonna be making out with my girlfriend again.†
Phoebe:† Iím not a lesbian!
Jennifer:† And here I was hoping that youíd make out with me.†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica and Rachel are present)
Monica:† So youíre really not having your Mom at the wedding?
Rachel:† No.† Iím not.
Monica:† Are you sure you wanna do that?
Rachel:† Sheís not coming, end of story.
Monica:† But sheís your mother Rachel.†
Rachel:† Do you not wanna come to the wedding?†
Rachel:† Then drop it.† Sheís not coming.†
Phoebe:† What ya doing?
Monica:† Nothing.† I thought you were going shopping?
Phoebe:† For what?† (Monica just looks at Phoebe)† Oh, that, yeah I already took care of everything.†
Rachel:† Took care of what?
Phoebe:† Nothing that concerns you.†
Rachel:† Apparently you donít wanna come to the wedding either.†
Phoebe:† Whatís the matter with her?
Monica:† Sheís still really mad at her mother.† And besides, her wedding is Saturday and sheís going to be a bitch until itís over.†
Phoebe:† You werenít a bitch before your wedding.†
Monica:† I wasnít was I?
Phoebe:† And for you thatís saying something.†
JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Joey, Courteney and Chandler are present)
Joey:† Court, donít you have to be somewhere?
Joey:† I hear Macyís is having a sale, why donít you take my credit card and go buy yourself something.†
Courteney:† First of all, you donít have a credit card, the Bank cancelled it and if you want me to go, just ask nicely.†
Joey:† Could you leave please?† Chandler and I have to plan something.†
Courteney:† Fine.† Plan your stupid bachelor party.† But remember what I told you, no hot strippers this time.†
Chandler:† We canít have strippers?
Joey:† What are you talking about?† Of course weíre having strippers!
Chandler:† But she just said no strippers.
Joey:† I didnít hear that.† She said no hot strippers.† Man, youíve got to look for the loopholes.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Rachel are present)
Rachel:† I donít wanna get married anymore.†
Rachel:† I just feel like thereís all this pressure on us.† Letís just elope.†
Ross:† Um, you were the one that wanted the big wedding.††
Ross:† Itís kinda late to cancel everything.†
Ross:† Whatís going on Rachel?
Rachel:† Nothingís working out right.†
Ross:† Whatís not working out?
Rachel:† Well for starters the bridesmaid dresses I picked are ugly, the limo service called and said they only have one limo available instead of two andÖ.
Ross:† And what?
Rachel:† My mother isnít gonna be there because she hit on you.†
Ross:† Honey, the dresses are beautiful, we only need one limo and we can fix the situation with your mother.†
Rachel:† Sheís not coming.
Ross:† I donít get you.† You want to cancel the wedding and elope because your mother wonít be there, yet you donít want her there?† Is this some kind of female logic that guys donít understand?
Rachel:† Iím going home.† (Rachel gets up to leave)
Ross:† Wait a minute Rach.† Do you want me to talk to your mom?
Rachel:† No.† Just leave it alone.† Itís my problem.†
Ross:† What happened to the ďwe are a teamĒ thing?
Rachel:† I threw it out the window.
Gunther (whoís been eavesdropping):† This weddingís never gonna happen!
STRIP A GRAM (Monica and Phoebe are ordering a stripper)
Monica:† Hi.† Weíve never been here before.† Ah, we need a stripper for a bachelorette party.
Woman:† For what date?
Monica:† For July 6th.†
Woman:† Thatís this Friday.†
Woman:† We donít have any strippers left.†
Phoebe:† None at all?† (a cute man walks by)† How about him?† Is he available?
Woman:† No.† Thatís my husband, he and I own this service.†
Phoebe:† So youíre saying heís not available?
Woman:† Pretty much.
Monica:† You have no one available at all?
Woman:† Nope sorry.†
Monica:† Letís go Phoebe.† Weíll go to Take It All Off.
(Monica and Phoebe turn to leave)
Woman:† Wait a minute, we do have one stripper available.† Heís brand new to the business but I think heíll do just fine for your party.†
Phoebe:† Is he hung?
Monica:† Phoebe!† What my friend is trying to say is that is he cute?
Woman:† Heís cute and heís hung.†
Phoebe (to Monica):† I told you that was an important question.
Monica:† How much?
Woman:† $500 an hour.† Tips not included.†
Phoebe:† Monica, she said he was hung!†
Woman:† Ok, Iíll go to $400, but nothing less.
Phoebe:† Weíll take him.†
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Chandler and Brad are present)
Brad:† So whenís the bachelor party?
Brad:† Did you hire a stripper again?
Joey:† Of course.† Whatís a bachelor party without a stripper?
Chandler:† The man makes a valid point.† Where did you go to get her?
Joey:† New York City Hardbodies.†
Chandler:† Does Chloe work there?
Joey:† No.† Thatís the first question I asked.† No, there sending over a hot girl named Emily.†
Chandler:† Did you make sure that Emily isnít the same Emily as Rossís ex-wife?
Joey:† Ah, no.† Should I?
Chandler:† You even have to ask that question?†
Joey:† What?† Itís not like he hasnít seen her naked.† (Chandler looks at† Joey) Iíll go call right now.
Brad:† Is he always this stupid?
Chandler:† This is a good day for him.† You should see him when the elevator stops going to his brain.†
MRS. GREENíS CONDO (Ross has gone to see Mrs. Green.† Mrs. Green opens the door)
Mrs. Green:† Ross, what a pleasant surprise.
Ross:† We have to talk.† Can I come in?
Sandra:† Sure, come on in.† Do you want something to drink?
Ross:† No, Iím fine.† Look, Rachel doesnít know Iím here and she wouldnít be happy if she found out.†
Sandra:† Ross, Iím really sorry that I hit on you that night we all went to dinner.† I donít know what came over me.†
Ross:† I understand that Mrs. GreenÖ.
Sandra:† Mom. Call me Mom.†
Ross:† I prefer Mrs. Green now.†
Ross:† I know that what you did was wrong but I donít want to be the reason why Rachelís mother isnít at our wedding.†
Sandra:† I think Rachelís mad because I hit on you.†
Ross:† I realize that.† We just have to find a way to fix this before the wedding.† I canít get married knowing that the woman I love has shut her mother out of her life.†
Sandra:† Thatís so sweet.† See, thatís why I like you so much.†
Ross (uncomfortable):† You mean like a son, not as something else.
Sandra:† Of course.† God, youíre half my age and my daughter is crazy about you.†
Ross:† That didnít stop my sister.†
Sandra:† Speaking of Dr. Burke, is he going to the wedding?
Ross:† Yeah.† Maybe you should hook up with him.
Sandra:† The thought has crossed my mind.† But at this moment, Iím not invited to your wedding anymore.†
Ross:† Youíre coming.† Iíll take care of Rachel.†
Sandra:† You havenít been around Rachel when sheís mad at someone have you?† (Ross just looks at Sandra)† Oh thatís right, you had that whole we were on a break argument.†
Ross:† And it lasted for three years.† So can you come to the wedding?
Sandra:† Yes.† But only if you promise that Rachel wonít make a scene.†
Ross:† Like I said, Iíll take care of Rachel.†
Sandra:† Out of curiosity, what are you gonna tell her?
Ross:† I havenít gotten that far yet.†
Sandra:† Youíre braver then I thought.†
Ross:† Throw in stupidity and youíve got me pegged.† Iíll see you at the wedding.†
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters)
Rachel:† Where in the hell have you been?† Dinnerís been ready for a half hour.†
Ross:† You donít know how to cook.†
Rachel:† I ordered Chinese.† Seriously where were you?
Ross:† I canít tell you that, itís a surprise.
Rachel:† Itís a week before the wedding Ross, Iím not in the mood for anymore surprises.†
Ross:† Fine.† I was talking to a family member of yours.†
Rachel:† Thereís no way youíd go to see my DadÖ.you didnít?
Ross:† Didnít what?
Rachel:† Did you go see my mother?
Rachel (mad):† Ross!† I told you to stay out of it!
Ross:† I know you did sweetie.† But sheís your mother and she feels horrible for what she did.† You canít shut her out.†
Rachel:† Ok. Ok.† I canít talk to you right now.† Why donít you go play in traffic?
Ross:† Come on Rach, letís talk this out now.†
Rachel:† Go play in traffic, and while youíre at it, make sure you get hit by a car.†
(Rachel goes into their bedroom and slams the door)
Ross:† Bravery and stupidity, thatís me.†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)
Monica:† Dinnerís almost ready.†
Jennifer:† What are we having?
Phoebe:† I know! I know!† Weíre having poached salmon!
Monica:† Wrong, weíre having lasagna.
Phoebe:† Damn, my sense of smell is screwed up again, I better not be pregnant again.†
Chandler:† Youíd need a boyfriend first Phoebe.†
Joey:† Or her brother.†
Brad:† Her brother?
Phoebe:† Yeah I carried babies for my brother.† Triplets.† And for your information Chandler, I have a boyfriend.†
Joey:† Hey Pheebs, why donít we ever see Ryan?† You never bring him around.†
Phoebe:† I know.†† Heís got this new night job to help pay for his masterís degree classes.
Brad:† What does he do?
Phoebe:† Never asked.†
Joey:† What you donít know wonít kill you.
Monica:† There you are.† What took you so long and whereís Rachel?
Ross:† Rachelís not coming.† Sheís sulking in her room.
Brad:† What did you do?
Phoebe:† You went to see her mom didnít you?
Jennifer (to Phoebe):† How did you do that?
Phoebe:† Iím psychic.† Itís a gift.†
Brad (to Jennifer):† They could make a movie about Phoebeís life.†
Chandler:† Let me get this straight, you went to see Rachelís mom after Rach asked you to stay out of it?
Joey:† Heís dumber than I am.†
Phoebe:† Nobodyís as dumb as you Joey.
Jennifer:† Monica, can I speak to you for a minute?
(Jennifer and Monica go out on the balcony)
Chandler:† I ask Monica to talk in private and she tells me no.
Joey:† Thereís a lot of things you ask Monica to do that she says no.
Chandler:† Phoebe!† That was a secret between you and I!
(On the balcony)
Monica:† Whatís up Jen?
Jennifer:† Would it be alright with you if I went and talked to Rachel alone?
Monica:† Yeah.† But why are you asking for my permission?
Jennifer:† Well I just figured since youíre Rachelís best friend, I should ask.† I didnít want to step on any toes.†
Monica:† Thatís so sweet.† No, go talk to her.† I wouldnít know what to say anyway.†
Jennifer:† I doubt that.†
Monica:† Youíre probably right.† Seriously, go talk to her.†
(cut to inside)
Chandler:† Damn it Joey, Iím not gonna pop the pimple on your ass!
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel is watching TV.† Thereís a knock on the door)
Rachel:† God damn it!† How many times is he gonna forget his keys?† (Rachel opens the door.† Itís Jennifer)
Jennifer:† Hey.† Thought Iíd come by and see how youíre doing.†
Rachel:† Iíve been better.† Did Ross send you here?
Jennifer:† Nah.† I came because I had something to share with you.
Rachel:† If this is about my mother and the whole wedding thing, you might as well save it Jen, sheís not welcome.†
Jennifer:† I know.† I understand.†
Rachel:† How exactly?
Jennifer:† My mother wasnít invited to Brad and Iís wedding.†
Jennifer:† Five years ago, right after I hit it big with Sheís The One, my mom wrote a book about her and Iís relationship.† She wrote a lot of stuff that was really personal to me and shared it with the whole world.† I got so angry I broke off all communication with her.†
Rachel:† So you didnít invite her to your wedding?
Jennifer:† Right.† And I have regretted it ever since.†
Rachel:† But she shared all your personal stuff with the whole public.
Jennifer:† Yeah she did.† But sheís my mom and she didnít get to see her baby girl get married because I was too stubborn to forgive her.† My mom missed the most important event in my life and I can never get that back.† All Iím saying is think about your decision thoroughly Rach.† Do you really want to shut your mom out because she had a moment of weakness?†
Rachel:† But she hit on my fiancť!
Jennifer:† You should be flattered that she likes Ross.† What she did was wrong, but we all make mistakes.† Think of all the things you did as a kid that hurt your mom, she forgave you and still loved you despite those things.† Thatís what being a family is all about.†
Rachel (filling with tears):† I donít know what to do.† Iím so confused.†
Jennifer:† Itís gonna be alright Rach, just donít do something that youíre gonna regret for the rest of your life.† Iíll see you later.†
Rachel:† See ya.† (Rachel shuts the door and walks over to the phone.† She picks it up and starts to dial then puts the phone down.† She stares at the phone for a minute and then dials)† Mom?† Hi, itís RachelÖ.
JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (The bachelor party is in full swing)
Joey:† Where in the hell is the God damn stripper?† She was supposed to be here a half hour ago!
Ross:† You got a stripper again?†
Chandler:† What do you think?†
Ross:† Right on.†
Brad:† Yeah we brought Chloe back for encore.†
Ross:† You didnít?
Joey:† No, we got Emily instead!
Ross:† My ex-wife?
Joey:† No.† Emily the stripper.
Chandler:† You did call to make sure it wasnít Emily the ex-wife?
Joey:† Not exactly.†
Chandler:† You told me you did!
Joey:† The line was busy.† I was gonna call again but I forgot.† Besides, Emily is in London and sheís not hot enough to be a stripper anyway.† No offense Ross.
Ross:† None taken.† Out of all my wives, she was the least attractive. †
Chandler:† And the biggest bitch.†
(Emily the stripper enters.† Sheís one hot woman)
Emily:† Hi, is the Geller bachelor party?
Joey:† Yeah, how you doin?
Emily:† Where can I get changed?
Joey:† You can use my room, itís right over here.†
Brad:† He has a girlfriend right?
Ross:† And heís constantly in trouble with her.†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (The bachelorette party is in full swing)
Rachel (stumbling):† I need more to drink.†
Phoebe:† You need to chill or youíre gonna pass out before the entertainment gets here.†
Monica:† Slow down Rach, Phoebeís right.† You donít wanna miss the entertainment.†
Rachel:† What are we gonna do, play Pictionary?
Phoebe:† Sheís being a bitch again.†
Monica:† The wedding isnít over yet.†
Jennifer: †Hey.† Some woman just hit on me.†
Jennifer:† The blonde over there.† She asked me if I would like to have a threesome with her and her partner.†
Monica:† Oh my God, thatís Rossís ex-wife Carol.† Sheís a lesbian.† Her partner is her over there, thatís Susan.†
Jennifer:† They should talk to Phoebe.†
Phoebe (going into the bathroom):† I am not a lesbian!† Tell them to talk to Courteney.
Courteney:† I am not a lesbian either!
(The male stripper enters)
Stripper:† Hey, is the Green party?
Jennifer:† No, this is the young Republican party.† Ross Perot is down the hall.
Monica:† Yeah.† You can change in the spare bedroom. And you are?
Stripper:† Ryan.† Nice to meet you.† (Ryan disappears into the spare bedroom as Phoebe returns)
Phoebe:† Is the stripper here?
Monica:† Yeah, heís getting changed.
Phoebe:† Get changed?† Heís here to take it off, whatís there to change into?
Rachel:† I can have another drink now, the stripper is here.†
Jennifer:† I have got to get my wallet, I brought lots of ones and fives for everybody.†
(Ryan emerges from the bedroom with the stereo blasting.† He starts his routine)
Ryan:† Gather around ladies, itís time for the show.† The rules are there are no rules!
Monica:† Man, heís really cute.
Rachel: †Look at that package.†
Courteney:† He makes Joey look like an ordinary man.†
Phoebe (screaming):† Ryan!† What the hell are you doing here?!
(Ryan shuts off the music and retreats to the spare bedroom.† Phoebe follows him)
Monica:† I think we just met Phoebeís boyfriend.††
Rachel:† A very well hung ex-boyfriend.† Oh crap, I think Iím gonna be sick.† (Rachel races off to the bathroom)
Monica (calling after Rachel):† Make sure you make it in the toilet!
JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (The bachelor party is over)
Joey:† Whereís Ross?† Did he hook up with the stripper?
Chandler:† No, Gunther went home with the stripper.† Ross is in here.† (Chandler opens the bathroom door.† Ross is passed out and being supported by the toilet)
Brad:† Thatís a picture worth taking.†
Joey:† Iíve got a polariod right here.† (takes the picture)† Itís always good to have bribing pictures.†
Chandler:† God knows I got a full photo album of your exploits.†††
Joey:† Wait a minute?† Gunther went home with the stripper?
Chandler:† Pretty weird isnít it.†
Brad:† Not really.† I gave $200 to the stripper to go home with him.† He really needed to get laid.†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (The bachelorette party is over.† Monica, Phoebe and Jennifer are cleaning up)
Monica: †So is it over between you and Ryan?
Jennifer:† Sorry to hear that Phoebe.† He seemed like a really nice guy.†
Phoebe:† At least I know why nice guys finish last all the time.† Itís because theyíre all liars!
Monica:† Did Rachel go home?
Jennifer:† No.† I think sheís passed out on your bed.†
Monica:† She better not get sick in there!† (Monica checks)† Crap, she threw up all over the floor.† Rachel, Rachel wake up.
Rachel:† Not now Ross, Iím trying to sleep.† Go play with yourself.
Monica:† Rachel!† Get up!
Rachel:† Oh hey Mon, do you want to have sex with me too?† It might be kinda weird since Ross is your brother though.† But whatever floats your boat.†† Uh oh, here we go again.† (Rachel starts getting sick again)
Monica (closing the door):† She is so lucky sheís getting married!
Jennifer:† Until she gets your cleaning bill.†
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Ross:† Does anyone have any Tylenol?† My head is killing me.† ††
Rachel:† I think I puked out a lung.†
Joey:† You should see the pictures Ross.
Ross:† You took pictures?
Chandler:† Of course.† Without pictures thereíd be nothing to blackmail you with later.†
Monica:† Did you find a date for the wedding Phoebe?†
Phoebe:† No.† I got so desperate I asked Gunther, but he said heís taking some girl named Emily.†
(The guys start laughing, leaving the rest of girls to figure out whatís so funny)