THE ONE WITH THE PARTIES

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone, including Courteney, Jennifer and Brad are present)

Jennifer (to Rachel): One week until the wedding, are you excited?

Rachel: Totally! I have this week off to get ready, the week after that for the honeymoon and the week after that to recover from the whole event.

Brad (to Ross): How ‘bout you?

Ross: It’s in one week? (Rachel glares at Ross) I’m really stoked.

Monica: I remember when I got married. The day went so fast. Man, if I could only live that day over and over again I’d be happy.

Chandler: Please don’t make me repeat that day over and over again, once is enough. (Monica glares at Chandler) Anyway, I bet Phoebe would love to live that day over and over again.

Brad: Why?

Chandler: Joey….

Joey: So Pheebs, are you gonna get drunk at the wedding reception?

Phoebe: You betcha! Why?

Joey: Just needed to know if you were gonna be making out with my girlfriend again.

Phoebe: I’m not a lesbian!

Jennifer: And here I was hoping that you’d make out with me.

OPENING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica and Rachel are present)

Monica: So you’re really not having your Mom at the wedding?

Rachel: No. I’m not.

Monica: Are you sure you wanna do that?

Rachel: She’s not coming, end of story.

Monica: But she’s your mother Rachel.

Rachel: Do you not wanna come to the wedding?

Monica: No.

Rachel: Then drop it. She’s not coming.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel/Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: What ya doing?

Monica: Nothing. I thought you were going shopping?

Phoebe: For what? (Monica just looks at Phoebe) Oh, that, yeah I already took care of everything.

Rachel: Took care of what?

Phoebe: Nothing that concerns you.

Rachel: Apparently you don’t wanna come to the wedding either.

(Rachel leaves)

Phoebe: What’s the matter with her?

Monica: She’s still really mad at her mother. And besides, her wedding is Saturday and she’s going to be a bitch until it’s over.

Phoebe: You weren’t a bitch before your wedding.

Monica: I wasn’t was I?

Phoebe: And for you that’s saying something.

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Joey, Courteney and Chandler are present)

Joey: Court, don’t you have to be somewhere?

Courteney: No.

Joey: I hear Macy’s is having a sale, why don’t you take my credit card and go buy yourself something.

Courteney: First of all, you don’t have a credit card, the Bank cancelled it and if you want me to go, just ask nicely.

Joey: Could you leave please? Chandler and I have to plan something.

Courteney: Fine. Plan your stupid bachelor party. But remember what I told you, no hot strippers this time.

(Courteney leaves)

Chandler: We can’t have strippers?

Joey: What are you talking about? Of course we’re having strippers!

Chandler: But she just said no strippers.

Joey: I didn’t hear that. She said no hot strippers. Man, you’ve got to look for the loopholes.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Rachel are present)

Rachel: I don’t wanna get married anymore.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: I just feel like there’s all this pressure on us. Let’s just elope.

Ross: Um, you were the one that wanted the big wedding.

Rachel: So?

Ross: It’s kinda late to cancel everything.

Rachel: So?

Ross: What’s going on Rachel?

Rachel: Nothing’s working out right.

Ross: What’s not working out?

Rachel: Well for starters the bridesmaid dresses I picked are ugly, the limo service called and said they only have one limo available instead of two and….

Ross: And what?

Rachel: My mother isn’t gonna be there because she hit on you.

Ross: Honey, the dresses are beautiful, we only need one limo and we can fix the situation with your mother.

Rachel: She’s not coming.

Ross: I don’t get you. You want to cancel the wedding and elope because your mother won’t be there, yet you don’t want her there? Is this some kind of female logic that guys don’t understand?

Rachel: I’m going home. (Rachel gets up to leave)

Ross: Wait a minute Rach. Do you want me to talk to your mom?

Rachel: No. Just leave it alone. It’s my problem.

Ross: What happened to the “we are a team” thing?

Rachel: I threw it out the window.

(Rachel leaves)

Gunther (who’s been eavesdropping): This wedding’s never gonna happen!

STRIP A GRAM (Monica and Phoebe are ordering a stripper)

Monica: Hi. We’ve never been here before. Ah, we need a stripper for a bachelorette party.

Woman: For what date?

Monica: For July 6^th.

Woman: That’s this Friday.

Monica: Yeah.

Woman: We don’t have any strippers left.

Phoebe: None at all? (a cute man walks by) How about him? Is he available?

Woman: No. That’s my husband, he and I own this service.

Phoebe: So you’re saying he’s not available?

Woman: Pretty much.

Monica: You have no one available at all?

Woman: Nope sorry.

Monica: Let’s go Phoebe. We’ll go to Take It All Off.

(Monica and Phoebe turn to leave)

Woman: Wait a minute, we do have one stripper available. He’s brand new to the business but I think he’ll do just fine for your party.

Phoebe: Is he hung?

Monica: Phoebe! What my friend is trying to say is that is he cute?

Woman: He’s cute and he’s hung.

Phoebe (to Monica): I told you that was an important question.

Monica: How much?

Woman: $500 an hour. Tips not included.

Monica: $500!

Phoebe: Monica, she said he was hung!

Woman: Ok, I’ll go to $400, but nothing less.

Phoebe: We’ll take him.

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Chandler and Brad are present)

Brad: So when’s the bachelor party?

Chandler: Friday.

Brad: Did you hire a stripper again?

Joey: Of course. What’s a bachelor party without a stripper?

Chandler: The man makes a valid point. Where did you go to get her?

Joey: New York City Hardbodies.

Chandler: Does Chloe work there?

Joey: No. That’s the first question I asked. No, there sending over a hot girl named Emily.

Chandler: Did you make sure that Emily isn’t the same Emily as Ross’s ex-wife?

Joey: Ah, no. Should I?

Chandler: You even have to ask that question?

Joey: What? It’s not like he hasn’t seen her naked. (Chandler looks at Joey) I’ll go call right now.

Brad: Is he always this stupid?

Chandler: This is a good day for him. You should see him when the elevator stops going to his brain.

MRS. GREEN’S CONDO (Ross has gone to see Mrs. Green. Mrs. Green opens the door)

Mrs. Green: Ross, what a pleasant surprise.

Ross: We have to talk. Can I come in?

Sandra: Sure, come on in. Do you want something to drink?

Ross: No, I’m fine. Look, Rachel doesn’t know I’m here and she wouldn’t be happy if she found out.

Sandra: Ross, I’m really sorry that I hit on you that night we all went to dinner. I don’t know what came over me.

Ross: I understand that Mrs. Green….

Sandra: Mom. Call me Mom.

Ross: I prefer Mrs. Green now.

Sandra: Ok.

Ross: I know that what you did was wrong but I don’t want to be the reason why Rachel’s mother isn’t at our wedding.

Sandra: I think Rachel’s mad because I hit on you.

Ross: I realize that. We just have to find a way to fix this before the wedding. I can’t get married knowing that the woman I love has shut her mother out of her life.

Sandra: That’s so sweet. See, that’s why I like you so much.

Ross (uncomfortable): You mean like a son, not as something else.

Sandra: Of course. God, you’re half my age and my daughter is crazy about you.

Ross: That didn’t stop my sister.

Sandra: Speaking of Dr. Burke, is he going to the wedding?

Ross: Yeah. Maybe you should hook up with him.

Sandra: The thought has crossed my mind. But at this moment, I’m not invited to your wedding anymore.

Ross: You’re coming. I’ll take care of Rachel.

Sandra: You haven’t been around Rachel when she’s mad at someone have you? (Ross just looks at Sandra) Oh that’s right, you had that whole we were on a break argument.

Ross: And it lasted for three years. So can you come to the wedding?

Sandra: Yes. But only if you promise that Rachel won’t make a scene.

Ross: Like I said, I’ll take care of Rachel.

Sandra: Out of curiosity, what are you gonna tell her?

Ross: I haven’t gotten that far yet.

Sandra: You’re braver then I thought.

Ross: Throw in stupidity and you’ve got me pegged. I’ll see you at the wedding.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters)

Rachel: Where in the hell have you been? Dinner’s been ready for a half hour.

Ross: You don’t know how to cook.

Rachel: I ordered Chinese. Seriously where were you?

Ross: I can’t tell you that, it’s a surprise.

Rachel: It’s a week before the wedding Ross, I’m not in the mood for anymore surprises.

Ross: Fine. I was talking to a family member of yours.

Rachel: Jill?

Ross: No.

Rachel: Laura?

Ross: No.

Rachel: There’s no way you’d go to see my Dad….you didn’t?

Ross: Didn’t what?

Rachel: Did you go see my mother?

Ross: Ah….

Rachel (mad): Ross! I told you to stay out of it!

Ross: I know you did sweetie. But she’s your mother and she feels horrible for what she did. You can’t shut her out.

Rachel: Ok. Ok. I can’t talk to you right now. Why don’t you go play in traffic?

Ross: Come on Rach, let’s talk this out now.

Rachel: Go play in traffic, and while you’re at it, make sure you get hit by a car.

(Rachel goes into their bedroom and slams the door)

Ross: Bravery and stupidity, that’s me.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)

Monica: Dinner’s almost ready.

Jennifer: What are we having?

Phoebe: I know! I know! We’re having poached salmon!

Monica: Wrong, we’re having lasagna.

Phoebe: Damn, my sense of smell is screwed up again, I better not be pregnant again.

Chandler: You’d need a boyfriend first Phoebe.

Joey: Or her brother.

Brad: Her brother?

Phoebe: Yeah I carried babies for my brother. Triplets. And for your information Chandler, I have a boyfriend.

Chandler: Who?

Phoebe: Ryan.

Joey: Hey Pheebs, why don’t we ever see Ryan? You never bring him around.

Phoebe: I know. He’s got this new night job to help pay for his master’s degree classes.

Brad: What does he do?

Phoebe: Never asked.

Joey: What you don’t know won’t kill you.

Phoebe: Exactly.

(Ross enters)

Monica: There you are. What took you so long and where’s Rachel?

Ross: Rachel’s not coming. She’s sulking in her room.

Brad: What did you do?

Ross: Nothing.

Jennifer: Nothing?

Phoebe: You went to see her mom didn’t you?

Ross: Yeah.

Jennifer (to Phoebe): How did you do that?

Phoebe: I’m psychic. It’s a gift.

Brad (to Jennifer): They could make a movie about Phoebe’s life.

Chandler: Let me get this straight, you went to see Rachel’s mom after Rach asked you to stay out of it?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: He’s dumber than I am.

Phoebe: Nobody’s as dumb as you Joey.

Jennifer: Monica, can I speak to you for a minute?

Monica: Sure.

(Jennifer and Monica go out on the balcony)

Chandler: I ask Monica to talk in private and she tells me no.

Joey: There’s a lot of things you ask Monica to do that she says no.

Chandler: Phoebe! That was a secret between you and I!

(On the balcony)

Monica: What’s up Jen?

Jennifer: Would it be alright with you if I went and talked to Rachel alone?

Monica: Yeah. But why are you asking for my permission?

Jennifer: Well I just figured since you’re Rachel’s best friend, I should ask. I didn’t want to step on any toes.

Monica: That’s so sweet. No, go talk to her. I wouldn’t know what to say anyway.

Jennifer: I doubt that.

Monica: You’re probably right. Seriously, go talk to her.

(cut to inside)

Chandler: Damn it Joey, I’m not gonna pop the pimple on your ass!

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel is watching TV. There’s a knock on the door)

Rachel: God damn it! How many times is he gonna forget his keys? (Rachel opens the door. It’s Jennifer)

Jennifer: Hey. Thought I’d come by and see how you’re doing.

Rachel: I’ve been better. Did Ross send you here?

Jennifer: Nah. I came because I had something to share with you.

Rachel: If this is about my mother and the whole wedding thing, you might as well save it Jen, she’s not welcome.

Jennifer: I know. I understand.

Rachel: How exactly?

Jennifer: My mother wasn’t invited to Brad and I’s wedding.

Rachel: Huh?

Jennifer: Five years ago, right after I hit it big with She’s The One, my mom wrote a book about her and I’s relationship. She wrote a lot of stuff that was really personal to me and shared it with the whole world. I got so angry I broke off all communication with her.

Rachel: So you didn’t invite her to your wedding?

Jennifer: Right. And I have regretted it ever since.

Rachel: But she shared all your personal stuff with the whole public.

Jennifer: Yeah she did. But she’s my mom and she didn’t get to see her baby girl get married because I was too stubborn to forgive her. My mom missed the most important event in my life and I can never get that back. All I’m saying is think about your decision thoroughly Rach. Do you really want to shut your mom out because she had a moment of weakness?

Rachel: But she hit on my fiancé!

Jennifer: You should be flattered that she likes Ross. What she did was wrong, but we all make mistakes. Think of all the things you did as a kid that hurt your mom, she forgave you and still loved you despite those things. That’s what being a family is all about.

Rachel (filling with tears): I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused.

Jennifer: It’s gonna be alright Rach, just don’t do something that you’re gonna regret for the rest of your life. I’ll see you later.

Rachel: See ya. (Rachel shuts the door and walks over to the phone. She picks it up and starts to dial then puts the phone down. She stares at the phone for a minute and then dials) Mom? Hi, it’s Rachel….

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (The bachelor party is in full swing)

Joey: Where in the hell is the God damn stripper? She was supposed to be here a half hour ago!

Ross: You got a stripper again?

Chandler: What do you think?

Ross: Right on.

Brad: Yeah we brought Chloe back for encore.

Ross: You didn’t?

Joey: No, we got Emily instead!

Ross: My ex-wife?

Joey: No. Emily the stripper.

Chandler: You did call to make sure it wasn’t Emily the ex-wife?

Joey: Not exactly.

Chandler: You told me you did!

Joey: The line was busy. I was gonna call again but I forgot. Besides, Emily is in London and she’s not hot enough to be a stripper anyway. No offense Ross.

Ross: None taken. Out of all my wives, she was the least attractive.

Chandler: And the biggest bitch.

(Emily the stripper enters. She’s one hot woman)

Emily: Hi, is the Geller bachelor party?

Joey: Yeah, how you doin?

Emily: Where can I get changed?

Joey: You can use my room, it’s right over here.

Brad: He has a girlfriend right?

Ross: And he’s constantly in trouble with her.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (The bachelorette party is in full swing)

Rachel (stumbling): I need more to drink.

Phoebe: You need to chill or you’re gonna pass out before the entertainment gets here.

Monica: Slow down Rach, Phoebe’s right. You don’t wanna miss the entertainment.

Rachel: What are we gonna do, play Pictionary?

Phoebe: She’s being a bitch again.

Monica: The wedding isn’t over yet.

Jennifer: Hey. Some woman just hit on me.

Monica: Who?

Jennifer: The blonde over there. She asked me if I would like to have a threesome with her and her partner.

Monica: Oh my God, that’s Ross’s ex-wife Carol. She’s a lesbian. Her partner is her over there, that’s Susan.

Jennifer: They should talk to Phoebe.

Phoebe (going into the bathroom): I am not a lesbian! Tell them to talk to Courteney.

Courteney: I am not a lesbian either!

(The male stripper enters)

Stripper: Hey, is the Green party?

Jennifer: No, this is the young Republican party. Ross Perot is down the hall.

Monica: Yeah. You can change in the spare bedroom. And you are?

Stripper: Ryan. Nice to meet you. (Ryan disappears into the spare bedroom as Phoebe returns)

Phoebe: Is the stripper here?

Monica: Yeah, he’s getting changed.

Phoebe: Get changed? He’s here to take it off, what’s there to change into?

Rachel: I can have another drink now, the stripper is here.

Jennifer: I have got to get my wallet, I brought lots of ones and fives for everybody.

(Ryan emerges from the bedroom with the stereo blasting. He starts his routine)

Ryan: Gather around ladies, it’s time for the show. The rules are there are no rules!

Monica: Man, he’s really cute.

Rachel: Look at that package.

Courteney: He makes Joey look like an ordinary man.

Phoebe (screaming): Ryan! What the hell are you doing here?!

(Ryan shuts off the music and retreats to the spare bedroom. Phoebe follows him)

Monica: I think we just met Phoebe’s boyfriend.

Rachel: A very well hung ex-boyfriend. Oh crap, I think I’m gonna be sick. (Rachel races off to the bathroom)

Monica (calling after Rachel): Make sure you make it in the toilet!

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (The bachelor party is over)

Joey: Where’s Ross? Did he hook up with the stripper?

Chandler: No, Gunther went home with the stripper. Ross is in here. (Chandler opens the bathroom door. Ross is passed out and being supported by the toilet)

Brad: That’s a picture worth taking.

Joey: I’ve got a polariod right here. (takes the picture) It’s always good to have bribing pictures.

Chandler: God knows I got a full photo album of your exploits.

Joey: Wait a minute? Gunther went home with the stripper?

Chandler: Pretty weird isn’t it.

Brad: Not really. I gave $200 to the stripper to go home with him. He really needed to get laid.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (The bachelorette party is over. Monica, Phoebe and Jennifer are cleaning up)

Monica: So is it over between you and Ryan?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Jennifer: Sorry to hear that Phoebe. He seemed like a really nice guy.

Phoebe: At least I know why nice guys finish last all the time. It’s because they’re all liars!

Monica: Did Rachel go home?

Jennifer: No. I think she’s passed out on your bed.

Monica: She better not get sick in there! (Monica checks) Crap, she threw up all over the floor. Rachel, Rachel wake up.

Rachel: Not now Ross, I’m trying to sleep. Go play with yourself.

Monica: Rachel! Get up!

Rachel: Oh hey Mon, do you want to have sex with me too? It might be kinda weird since Ross is your brother though. But whatever floats your boat. Uh oh, here we go again. (Rachel starts getting sick again)

Monica (closing the door): She is so lucky she’s getting married!

Jennifer: Until she gets your cleaning bill.

CLOSING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Ross: Does anyone have any Tylenol? My head is killing me.

Rachel: I think I puked out a lung.

Joey: You should see the pictures Ross.

Ross: You took pictures?

Chandler: Of course. Without pictures there’d be nothing to blackmail you with later.

Monica: Did you find a date for the wedding Phoebe?

Phoebe: No. I got so desperate I asked Gunther, but he said he’s taking some girl named Emily.

(The guys start laughing, leaving the rest of girls to figure out what’s so funny)

The End