THE ONE WHERE CHANDLER GETS PEED ON
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Chandler and Rachel are present)
Chandler (noticing Joey who is squirming on the couch): What is the matter with you?
Joey: My boxers keep creeping up into my crack.
Rachel: I thought you didn't wear underwear.
Joey: I normally don't.
Chandler: Then why are you wearing underwear today?
Joey: I have a date this afternoon.
Rachel: And because of that you're wearing underwear?
Joey: Yeah, the last time I didn't wear underwear on a first date, my date got scared when we took off our clothes.
Rachel: You know Joey, you don't have to sleep with every woman you go out with.
Joey (laughing): That's a good one Rach.
Chandler: She's not kidding Joe.
Joey: What?! I'd never say something like to you! I would never put down your favorite hobby!
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica and Phoebe are present)
Monica: What's going on between you and Joey?
Phoebe: I didn't know anything was going on.
Monica: You guys aren't together?
Phoebe: Ok, where've you been? We got a divorce a month ago.
Monica: I know that you idiot. I meant is there anything going on now?
Phoebe: No. Nothing tends to go on romantically between two people who've gotten a divorce. And you call me an idiot.
(Ross enters with Caitlin)
Phoebe: How's my goddaughter?
Ross: She's cranky.
Phoebe: I was asking about Caitlin, not Monica.
Ross: She's cranky too.
Monica: I am not cranky!
Ross: Don't look at me, Phoebe was the one who said you're cranky. Hey, you're starting to show Mon.
Monica: I know. Thanks for noticing.
Phoebe: That's right you're pregnant. And here I thought you were just getting fat again. See ya later.
Monica: She can be such a bitch sometimes.
Ross: Yeah, that's like the pot calling the kettle black.
CENTRAL PERK (Rachel and Chandler are present)
Chandler: Why aren't you at work?
Rachel: Took the day off. Ross and I have our walkthrough on our house. Why aren't you at work?
Chandler: I called in sick.
Rachel: Didn't you learn anything from getting fired from your last job?
Chandler: Yeah, never call in sick when you're not sick.
Rachel: Then why aren't you at work?
Chandler: 'Cause I went to work this morning and my boss sent me home.
Chandler: 'Cause she saw me throw up in my wastepaper basket.
Rachel: You got sick at work?
Chandler: Yeah, the powdered donuts and super big gulp of Diet Coke I had for breakfast didn't agree with me.
(Ross and Caitlin enter)
Ross: Hey. Hey honey.
Chandler: Hey sweetums.
Ross: Ah yes, the joke that got old the first 1,000 times you told it. Are you ready to go Rach?
Rachel: Why didn't you drop off the baby at Monica's?
Ross: I forgot.
Rachel: To drop her off or to ask Monica to watch her?
Chandler: Why don't you just leave her here with me? I'll bring her upstairs when I'm done reading the paper.
Rachel: I don't think so. The last time you were in charge of Ben you took him to the park even though he was sick.
Chandler: Yeah, I'm still having problems with that ankle too. Come on, Caitlin is a baby, it's not like we can go anywhere.
Ross: We've gotta go Rach, we're gonna be late.
Rachel: Fine. You're in charge of Caitlin. I swear, if one little thing happens to her, I'll kill you by shoving this stroller up your ass.
Chandler: Well at least you're clear on how you're gonna kill me. Go on, go to your walk through, me and Caitlin are gonna play peak-a-boo.
Ross: That better not be the same peak-a-boo you were playing with Monica this morning pal.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica and Joey are present)
Joey: What are you doing this afternoon?
Monica: Working. Why?
Joey: Never mind, it's really stupid.
Monica: Come on Joe what is it? Although pretty much everything you do is stupid.
Joey: Like I'm gonna tell you now.
Monica: I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. What is it?
Joey: Phoebe's birthday is tomorrow.
Monica: It is?
Monica: How do you know?
Joey: I was married to her. I know these things.
Monica: You're positively sure that her birthday is tomorrow?
Joey: Yes. I'm positive. See, here's her license.
Monica: You stole her license?
Joey: No, she gave it me. We're making fake licenses for college students who aren't 21 at my place. We were using her license as an example of what ours need to look like.
Monica: You're, you're making fake IDs?
Joey: Yeah. We're getting $250 for each one. We've got like five hundred orders. We're totally raking in the dough.
Monica: I guess you'll be back in court soon.
Monica: Nothing. So it's Phoebe's birthday tomorrow. What does that have to do with me?
Joey: I wanna throw her a party but I don't know the first thing about throwing a party. Could you help me?
Monica: It's kinda late notice don't you think?
Joey: But I already invited everyone. If I don't throw the party, I'll look like an idiot.
Monica: You already invited everyone?
Monica: Fine, I'll help you. Wait a minute, why didn't I know about the party?
Joey: I told Chandler, I figured he told you.
Monica: That bastard.
Joey: Oh, one other thing, the party's here. Chandler said it was ok.
(Monica looks at Joey in shock)
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Caitlin and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: So did it come out your nose?
Chandler: Yeah. It hurt like hell.
Phoebe: You tried to keep it in didn't you?
Chandler: That's kinda what you do when you're about to get sick Pheebs.
Phoebe: And she saw you do it?
Chandler: Yeah, she entered at the exact moment I blew.
Chandler: I thought so. Are you ready to go?
Phoebe: Don't you have to take Caitlin to your place?
Chandler: I would but Monica has to work this afternoon.
Phoebe: So you figured you'd enlist Aunt Phoebe's help.
Chandler: Pretty much.
Phoebe: At least you're smarter than Joey.
Chandler: That's not saying much.
Phoebe: I know.
Chandler: So will you help me watch Caitlin?
Phoebe: I'd love too! Oh, we could act as a married couple out and about with our child!
Chandler: That would be fun!
Phoebe: Just don't expect any action from me.
Chandler: I am a married man Phoebe. I think I know the limits.
Phoebe: Ok, I'll give you the married part, but as usual I must decline to let you call yourself a man.
AMTRAK TRAIN (Rachel and Ross are on the train)
Rachel: Are we almost there?
Ross: Three more stops.
Rachel: And you expect me to take the train to work everyday?
Ross: Yeah, it'll be fun. We can ride into the City together.
Rachel: Oh joy!
Ross: Are you having second thoughts about this?
Rachel: No. Are you?
Ross: No, not at all.
Rachel: Can't we just buy a car?
Ross: We can't afford one, I already told you that.
Rachel: But I don't wanna ride the train!
Ross: Then we shouldn't move.
Rachel: But I want the house.
Ross: Then you can't buy a car until your next raise.
Rachel: Why not?
Ross: 'Cause we have the house payment, property taxes, homeowner's insurance, Caitlin and Ben's college funds, all those payments add up.
Rachel: Why should we pay for Ben's college expenses? Carol's the one marrying the rich ballplayer.
Ross: True, but you never know when she's gonna switch back to lesbianism. If she does that, I'm responsible for Ben's college education.
Rachel: Lesbians always get their way.
Ross: No, that's women in general.
CENTRAL PARK (Phoebe, Chandler and Caitlin are present)
Phoebe: What's that smell?
Chandler: It can't be Joey, he's too far away.
Phoebe (picking up Caitlin): Yeah, she dropped a bomb.
Chandler: What on earth do they feed that child?
Phoebe: Whatever it is it is putting a hole in the ozone layer. Get a diaper out of the stroller.
Chandler (looking around the stroller): Ah, I don't see any diapers.
Phoebe: You've got to be kidding me!
Chandler: I know I tell a lot of jokes, but there are no clean diapers in this stroller.
Phoebe: Well go to the store and get some.
Phoebe: Excuse me?
Chandler: You have to go. I don't know anything about diapers.
Phoebe: You're going!
Chandler: But I don't wanna go!
Phoebe: You're gonna be a father in seven months! Now go get the god damn diapers!
Chandler: What size?
Phoebe: I don't know.
Chandler: Then what are we gonna do? Use newspaper?
Phoebe: Wait, it says right here on her butt, small. Go get a box of small diapers.
Chandler: What brand?
Phoebe: Just go!
Phoebe: Oh, and pick up some handy wipes, we're gonna have to clean up her messy bottom.
Chandler: It looks like this is gonna be a two time barf day for me.
Phoebe: And don't you dare go home and leave me stranded out here mister!
(Chandler, walking away, mouths the word damn)
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Monica are present)
Monica: No way, you're not having the party here.
Joey: But Chandler said I could!
Monica: Since when does Chandler have permission to use my apartment as party central?
Joey: Good point. Come on Mon, it's a simple birthday party. There's gonna be some food, a cake and beer and wine. Nothing fancy.
Monica: Who's making the food?
Joey: You are.
Monica: This keeps getting better and better. I'm not making squat.
Joey: What's squat? Is that some Jewish delicacy?
Monica: Yeah, your guests are going to eating gourmet air.
Joey: You're not gonna help me?! Man, I knew I should've order fifty pizzas.
Monica: Fifty pizzas? How many people are coming to this party?
Joey: I dunno, I lost track after a 135. Let's just say that I invited everyone that Phoebe knows.
Monica: I'm in hell. Joey has created my own living hell. (picks up the phone)
Joey: What are you doing?
Monica: I'm calling in sick to work.
Joey: But you're not sick.
Monica: Do you want my help or not?
Joey: You really look like hell.
Monica: I should, you put me in it.
CENTRAL PARK (Chandler has returned with the diapers)
Phoebe: Chandler, I said buy one bag, not ten.
Chandler: I know, but when I got there the saleswoman got me all confused. I never knew there were so many different types of diapers.
Phoebe: Did you remember the handy wipes?
Chandler: Yeah, there right here.
Phoebe: You bought four packs? Are we gonna be wiping everyone in the park's butts?
Chandler: Can we just change the kid?
Phoebe: It's all yours.
Chandler: Why do I have to do it?
Phoebe: 'Cause Ross and Rachel left you in charge. I'm just fun Auntie Phoebe.
Chandler: You suck.
Phoebe: I also swallow.
SCARSDALE (Ross and Rachel are doing the walkthrough on their house with their realtor)
Realtor: Yeah, they definitely need to fix this.
Ross: Fix what?
Realtor: They broke the thermostat. The heat won't turn on.
Rachel: So? It's like 90 degrees outside. I think we'd use the air conditioner right now anyway.
Realtor: And exactly how are you going to turn the air conditioner on?
Rachel: I guess they need to fix the thermostat. Ross, can I talk to you over here for a minute?
Ross: Yeah. (to the realtor) We'll be right back.
Rachel: I don't wanna move.
Ross: Why not?
Rachel: Well for one the thermostat is broken.
Ross: Seriously, what's the problem?
Rachel: This just doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like home.
Ross: Well that's because none of our stuff is here.
Rachel: Ok, good point. But I really don't wanna leave the City.
Ross: I thought we agreed that now was the time to move while Caitlin's still a baby.
Rachel: I know. I know what I said but now I'm telling you that I don't want to move.
Ross: Why do you always do this to me?
Rachel: Do what exactly?
Ross: Change your mind.
Rachel: I do not change my mind!
Ross: Please, when I wanted to buy a motorcycle you said I could and then when you went with me to the dealership you told me that you'd changed your mind.
Rachel: Ok, that was a stupid motorcycle. This is a house. They're entirely two different things. I don't wanna move right now. I like it where we're at. All our friends live in the City. I don't wanna have to hop on a train to see my girls. I wanna be able to walk across the street to see them.
Ross: Fine. I'll go tell the realtor that we're withdrawing our accepted offer. Hopefully we can get back our $8,000 deposit.
Rachel: They won't give it back to us?
Ross: They don't have to. It's part of the contract, if we walk they can keep the deposit.
Rachel: How much was the motorcycle that you wanted to buy?
Rachel: I guess you just bought your imaginary motorcycle.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica and Joey are present)
Monica: I think that about does it.
Joey: Thanks so much for your help Mon, I really appreciate it.
Monica: Joey, why do you keep pulling at your crotch?
Joey: I'm wearing boxers.
Monica: First date?
Joey: Yeah. What time is it?
Monica: It's 4pm.
Joey: There goes my date.
Monica: What time was it at?
Monica: Was she hot?
Joey: No, but she was good looking enough to date. Oh well, I'll see her on the set. I'll just tell her that I got caught in traffic coming back from spending the morning with my little brother.
Monica: You don't have a little brother.
Joey: She doesn't know that.
Monica: Do you pretty much lie to all of your dates?
Joey: Pretty much.
CENTRAL PARK (Chandler, Caitlin and Phoebe are present. Chandler has removed Phoebe's diaper)
Chandler: Augh, that smells so bad!
Phoebe: Yeah, that looks like a lump of chocolate.
Chandler: Ok, you're not helping. Great, now she's peeing on me.
Phoebe (laughing): Well at least we didn't waste another diaper.
Chandler: Could you hand me a handy wipe?
Phoebe: Here you go.
Chandler: There we go Caitlin, now your bottom is clean. Ok, now we put on the new diaper. How do I do that?
Phoebe: Are you completely useless?
Chandler: According to Monica or in general?
Phoebe: Do you need help?
Chandler: No, I think I can do this. Let's see, the legs go through here….and then we tape here….and viola, the diaper is changed. (Chandler lifts Caitlin up and the diaper falls off) Ok, I didn't do something right.
Phoebe: They should write a book for you, Diapers for Dummies.
Chandler: Hey, they had that book at the store.
Phoebe: And you didn't think to read it before you returned?
Chandler: I did read it, I just didn't retain the information.
Phoebe: Here, let me help you.
Chandler: No, I wanna do it. Ok, the legs go through here….the tape goes here….and the diaper is changed. (Chandler lifts Caitlin up and the diaper stays on)
Phoebe: You did it!
Chandler: And I think she just did it again!
AMTRAK TRAIN (Ross and Rachel are returning to the City)
Rachel: So you're not talking to me now?
Rachel: You haven't said a word to me since you told the realtor that we were withdrawing from the deal.
Ross: I'm just a little upset that we lost $8,000. It doesn't bother you?
Rachel: Yeah, it bothers me. And I'm sorry that I'm not ready to move, but I didn't want to do something that could affect our marriage.
Ross: How could moving affect our marriage?
Rachel: Have you not noticed how much I hate traveling on this train? You make me commute to the City and back everyday on this stupid train and I'll turn into the biggest bitch on earth.
Ross: I thought Monica already had that title.
Rachel: At least you haven't lost your sense of humor. I'm really sorry honey, maybe in another year or two I'll be ready to move to the suburbs, but I'm just not in that place right now.
Ross: Why didn't you say something a month ago?
Rachel: 'Cause I didn't think it all the way through. It hit me as we were doing our walkthrough. I kept getting this voice in my head that it was too soon.
Ross: You do realize now that I'm buying that motorcycle?
Rachel: And I'm buying a brand BMW M3.
Ross: Ok, you win, I won't buy the motorcycle.
Rachel: Good. Do you think I should get a green or blue M3?
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)
Monica: You mean to tell me that you took care of Caitlin all day?
Chandler: Yup. I thought you had gone to work.
Monica: Well Joey needed help with something so I called in sick.
Chandler (to Joey): Having problems with the equipment again buddy?
Joey: No, that's your department.
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Rachel: Where's my baby?
Chandler: She's sleeping in the guest room.
Rachel: Thanks for taking care of her today Mon.
Monica: Don't thank me, thank Chandler. He's the one who watched her all day.
Rachel: What? (to Chandler) You told me that you'd bring her right upstairs after you finished your coffee!
Chandler: I know. But I thought Monica had to work so I went to Phoebe's. Phoebe and I watched her. Phoebe even made me change her diapers.
Rachel: Oh. Well thanks Chandler.
Chandler: Yeah, I've got one question. What on earth do you feed that child? Her poop smells worse than after Joey uses the bathroom.
Phoebe: Yeah Joe?
Joey: You're not busy tomorrow night are you?
Joey: Good, 'cause I'm throwing you a birthday bash.
Phoebe: That's so sweet! Thanks Joey! (hugs Joey) One thing though, my birthday is in February, not June.
Joey: But your license says it's in June. See, it says it right here.
Phoebe: Oh that license. Yeah, that's Regina Filange's license. Her birthday is in June, my real birthday is in February.
Monica: Why do you have two licenses? It's not like your under 21 or anything?
Phoebe: Yes, but as Phoebe in 32, as Regina Filange I'm only 23.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (The party is in full swing. There's a knock on the door)
Monica (opening the door): Yeah?
Police Officer #1: Is the apartment across the hall Joseph Tribbiani's place?
Monica: Yes it is. Why?
Police Officer #2: We need to question him.
Monica (looking around the apartment and spotting Joey): Joey, these officers need to speak with you.
Joey: Hey, what's up officers?
Police Officer #1: Does this ID look familiar to you?
Joey: Yeah, my partner and I made that yesterday.
Police Officer #2: Who's your partner?
Joey: Pheebs, come here for a minute. The police want to speak to you.
Phoebe: Hi. What can I do for you today?
Police Officer #1: You're both under arrest for the production and sale of fake drivers licenses. You have the right to remain silent…..
(The police officers lead Joey and Phoebe away)
Ross (to Rachel): What's going on?
Rachel: They just arrested Phoebe and Joey.
Chandler: Yeah, it wouldn't be a party without that happening.