THE ONE WHERE PHOEBE CAN'T BE FOUND
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Joey are present)
Joey: So how's fatherhood treating you?
Ross: It's not like anything's new, I just have two kids now.
Joey: You have two kids? When did that happen?
Ross: I have Ben and Caitlin. Ben's been around for 8 years so I'm kinda used to this fatherhood thing.
Joey: So when are you having another kid?
Ross: Never. Two's enough.
Joey: What does Rachel have to say about that?
Ross: I dunno. We've never talked about it.
Joey: You don't think she's gonna want another kid?
Ross: Maybe. But I don't think she'll win that argument. Since Carol decided to go to San Francisco with Ryan after all, Ben's gonna be living with us during the school year. We don't have anymore room for another kid.
Joey: She's gonna want another kid.
Ross: How do you know?
Joey: She told me.
Ross: Well since she can't get pregnant by herself, she can want all she wants.
Joey: She's gonna want another kid.
Ross: Then she's gonna have to find another way to get pregnant.
Joey: So if you're not gonna be the one getting her pregnant, can I?
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Monica, Rachel, Michael and Caitlin are present. They're both breast feeding their kids)
Monica: Who would've thought back in high school that you and I would be sitting on this couch breast feeding our kids?
Rachel: Definitely not me. I just thought of my breasts as a jungle gym for boys to play on.
Monica: Eloquently put Rachel.
Rachel: I'm sorry, I forgot. The boys couldn't tell where you're breasts began and where the fat ended.
Monica: Thanks for bringing that up.
Rachel: My pleasure.
Monica: Have you seen Phoebe lately?
Rachel: Actually no. I just figured her and Mitch went somewhere together.
Monica: Joey told me that Mitch dumped her because she wasn't honest about being married twice.
Rachel: Huh, that's kinda how my father reacted when he found out that Ross would be married for the fourth time.
Monica: Of course you were part of his third marriage.
Rachel: Yeah, and when I pointed that out to my Dad, he completely backed off. (pause) Now I'm worried about Phoebe. It's not like her to disappear without telling anyone where she's going.
Monica: Maybe we should head over to her place when the babies are done feeding.
Rachel: Good idea.
Monica: I've just got to say one thing.
Rachel: What's that?
Monica: You had big boobs before you got pregnant, but your boobs are absolutely enormous now.
Rachel: If only the high school boys could see me now, instead of being a jungle gym, my chest is like an amusement park ride.
TOYS R US (Chandler is working in his office as Jenna enters)
Chandler: Hey Jenna! How's things down in accounting?
Jenna: They're fine.
Chandler: Good to hear.
Jenna: I've got a problem and I was hoping that you could help me.
Chandler: Same here. My air conditioner doesn't work and it's hot as hell in here.
Jenna: No, I have a personal problem.
Chandler: Oh, feminine itch got you down?
Jenna (laughing): It's not that bad.
Chandler: Well that's good, I hear the itch can be a real pain. What's the problem?
Jenna: I'm late.
Chandler: Ok, we can talk later, although I have to leave by three because I promised Monica that I'd take care of Michael this afternoon.
Jenna: No Chandler, I'm late.
Chandler: Late for what?
Jenna: That thing that happens to women every month.
Chandler: Book club?
Jenna: My period! My period you idiot!
Chandler: Oh. And you think having feminine itch is worse than being late?
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Ross are present)
Joey: Would you believe that Jenna is already talking about having kids?
Ross: That's a woman for you, you get them in a serious relationship and next thing you know they're talking about getting married and having kids.
Joey: I thought guys did that sort of thing.
Ross: No, just women.
Joey: So you're saying that you’re a woman?
Joey: Well you were the one that was always talking about how you were gonna marry Rachel and have kids with her.
Ross: That doesn't make me a woman. And besides, Rachel talked about that stuff too.
Joey: No, no she didn't. She never talked about that stuff with any of us.
Joey: Nope. I guess she figured that you talked about it so much that she didn't need to. So who's the woman now?
Ross: I'm not a woman trapped in a man's body.
Joey: No you're not, only Chandler can put a claim to that.
Ross: Why are you so interested in babies and marriage all of the sudden?
Joey: I don't know. I guess I'm getting older and I just want that stuff to. I mean you and Chandler have kids and I don't want to be left out.
Ross: That's hardly a reason to want to have kids Joe. They're a lot of responsibility.
Maybe you should just concentrate on getting things right with Jenna.
Joey: You're right. Man, what was I thinking? I'm Joey, Joey doesn't want kids and a wife. No, all I need is someone to sleep with and do things with.
Ross: Just don't tell Jenna that or she'll drop you like a hot potato.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Monica, Rachel, Michael and Caitlin are present. Monica knocks on the door)
Monica: Maybe she's dead.
Rachel: Would you cut it out! That's not even funny!
Monica: She's not answering. Do you still have your key?
Rachel: Yeah, somewhere in my purse is the key. Here hold this. (Hands Monica her cell phone)
Monica: Why do you have your cell phone with you?
Rachel: In case work needs me.
Monica: You took the day off. I think they can survive one day without you.
Rachel: Then why have they called me three times already today? Ah, I found the key!
(Rachel opens the door and they all enter)
Monica: Check the bedroom, I'll check the bathroom.
(They check and return)
Rachel: Not in the bedroom.
Monica: She wasn't in the bathroom either.
Rachel: It looks like she hasn't been here for a couple of days.
Monica: How can you tell?
Rachel: The place is spotless, her bed is made, and there're no dishes in the kitchen sink.
Monica: Where in the hell did she go then?
Rachel: Beats me. Do you have her Birth Mom's phone number?
Monica: I think I do, but it's back at my place.
Rachel: Let's go.
Monica: Should we stop by the police station?
Rachel: I hardly think that this was breaking and entering. There's no reason to turn ourselves in.
Monica: No you moron! Should we go file a missing persons report?
Rachel: Wouldn't hurt. Where's the nearest police station?
Monica: I dunno.
Rachel: I got it!
Monica: What are you doing?
Rachel: Phoebe has all of the precincts in the City mapped on a map in her kitchen.
Monica: Why exactly?
Rachel: She always wants to know which areas to avoid when she has to pee in public.
TOYS R US (Chandler and Jenna are present)
Chandler: Ah, you're, you might be pregnant?
Jenna: Yeah. I'm a week late.
Chandler: And why did you come to me exactly?
Jenna: Because your Joey's best friend, I figured you could help me find a way to tell him that he might be a father in nine months.
Chandler (laughing): You don't know Joey very well yet do you? (Jenna just looks at Chandler) I'm sorry, I'd be happy to help.
Jenna (sitting down): What am I gonna do? I'm not ready to be a mother yet either.
Chandler: Well there are ways to avoid having the baby.
Jenna: That's not an option. I don't believe in abortion.
Chandler: You could give the baby up for adoption.
Jenna: And what would I tell Joey during my pregnancy?
Chandler: That you're just getting fat?
Jenna: And afterwards?
Chandler: That you miraculously lost all the weight due to Richard Simmons' exercise tapes. (pause) Look, have you even taken a pregnancy test yet?
Jenna: No, I'm too scared to find out the results.
Chandler: Well ignoring it isn't gonna make things any easier.
Jenna: Maybe I should just tell Joey, I'm sure he'll understand.
Chandler: Yeah, just don't tell him when he's eating.
Jenna: Why not?
Chandler: He's likely to eat the fork too.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Monica, Rachel, Michael and Caitlin are present. Michael and Caitlin are down for their naps.)
Monica: I thought I had Phoebe Sr.'s phone number around here somewhere….
Rachel: Don't you keep all your phone numbers over there in your organizer?
Monica: Yeah. (checks the organizer) Here it is. Do you wanna call her?
Rachel: No, you call her.
Monica: Why me?
Rachel: Because it's your apartment and you're the one with her number.
Monica: That's a nice weak argument.
Rachel: I think so too. Now call!
Monica (dials the number): Hello Phoebe? (pause) Yeah, this is Monica Bing, Phoebe's friend in the City. (pause) I'm fine thanks. How are you? (pause) Look, have you seen Phoebe at all in the past couple of days? (pause) No, we haven't and we're starting to get worried. (pause) Yeah, we just filed a missing persons report today. They said that they look into it. (pause) I know she has a long record, that makes me nervous too. They might just be happy not to have to worry about her anymore. (pause) Ok. We'll call you if we here anything. Goodbye.
Monica: She hasn't seen Phoebe either. The last time she talked to her Phoebe said that she was upset that Mitch dumped her and was gonna lay low for awhile. Phoebe Sr. hasn't heard from her since.
Rachel: This is really weird. Where in the hell could she have gone?
Monica: I honestly don't know.
(Ross and Joey enter)
Joey: Ladies, may I say you look rather hot today.
Ross: Stop hitting on my wife and sister Joey.
Rachel: Phoebe's missing.
Ross: Excuse me?
Monica: Phoebe's missing. No one's seen her for days. Not Phoebe Sr., not Mitch, no one. We're really worried.
Joey: Yeah, this calls for food.
Rachel: How can you eat at a time like this?!
Joey: I can't worry on an empty stomach. It makes me sick to my stomach and I don't like that feeling. Now get out of my way and let me into the refrigerator.
Monica: Why don't you go eat your own food?
Joey: If I had some I would. Cool, leftover pizza!
(Chandler and Jenna enter)
Chandler: Hello children!
Joey (eating and talking with his mouth full): What are you doing with my girlfriend?
Chandler: Sorry Joe, didn't catch that since your foot's in your mouth.
Joey (swallowing): I said, what are you doing with my girlfriend?
Chandler: We shared a cab from work and a stolen moment in the backseat if you must know.
Joey: Oh, as long as you weren't screwing around with her, that's ok.
Jenna: Ah Joey, can we go to your place for a minute? There's something that I need to tell you.
Joey: Just tell me here. I'm eating.
Jenna: I really think we should talk in private Joey.
Joey: Come on Jenna, you know nothing gets between me and my stomach. You can tell me here. What's up?
(Jenna looks at Chandler. Chandler nods his head to go on)
Jenna: Are you sure?
Joey: Yes I'm sure. It's not like you're gonna tell me anything that I haven't heard before.
Jenna: Have it your way. Joey, I'm a week late.
(The others just stare at Jenna, Joey doesn't understand)
Joey: Late for what?
Jenna: I think I'm pregnant with your child Joey.
Joey: Excuse me?
Jenna: I think I'm pregnant. That's why I wanted to talk to you in private.
(Everyone looks at Joey)
Joey: Ok, I can handle this. I can handle this. (pause) No, I really can't handle this, I'll see you guys later. (Joey runs out of the apartment)
Chandler: Funny, that went better than I expected it to. (Jenna glares at Chandler) I'll go find him. (Chandler leaves)
CENTRAL PERK (Joey is sitting on the couch staring at the wall as Chandler enters)
Chandler: You screwed up again.
Joey: I know.
Chandler: What's going on?
Joey: I just didn't know what to do. I mean, I was talking to Ross about having kids of my own earlier today and came to the realization that I'm totally not ready for kids and now Jenna drops this bomb on me that she might be pregnant.
Chandler: You actually thought about having kids? Wow, she's really gotten to you.
Joey: Dude, what am I gonna do?
Chandler: You're gonna be the man that I'll never be and go and face the music with Jenna. You dipped your pen and spilled the ink, now you've got to deal with the responsibilities that come with that.
Joey: What in God's name are you talking about?
Chandler: You had sex with her and the risks of sex include pregnancy.
Joey: But we used contra, contra, contra…..
Chandler: They're only effective 90-95% of the time.
Joey: They should put that on the box!
Chandler: They do.
Joey: I guess I should learn to read.
Chandler: That too. Now go talk to Jenna before you lose her.
Joey: She's gonna dump me?
Chandler: Well you didn't endear yourself to her by running out like that.
Joey: She noticed?
Chandler: You are as dumb as people say you are.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (Phoebe is present, she's talking to a man and a woman)
Phoebe: Thanks for letting me stay here for a couple of days.
Man: No problem.
Woman: Did you tell the others that you were coming out here?
Woman: Did you tell anyone?
Man: Why not?
Phoebe: I just wanted to get away from my life in New York City for a couple of days.
Woman: They're gonna worry about you.
Phoebe: Not really. They've all got their own lives, children to raise, girlfriends to take care of. They won't notice that I'm gone.
Man: I don't know about that.
Man: Because they called here an hour ago when you were in the shower wanting to know if we had seen you or not.
Phoebe: What did you tell them?
Woman: That we hadn't seen you.
Woman: I really don't like lying to my friends Phoebe.
Phoebe: I know, neither do I.
JENNA'S APARTMENT (Jenna is sitting on the couch. Joey knocks on the door)
Jenna: Who is it?
Joey: Hannibal Lecter.
Jenna (opening the door): You've got a lot of nerve coming here.
Joey: Why'd you open the door? You always say that you don't like being eaten for dinner tonight.
Jenna: Maybe I feel like dying right now.
Joey: Look, I'm sorry that I ran out like that. That really wasn't cool.
Jenna: No, it wasn't cool at all.
Joey: I just got freaked out.
Jenna: How do you think I feel?
Joey: I don't know, why don't you tell me?
Jenna: I'm scared as hell and I need you to stand by me now.
Joey: I'm here.
Jenna: Is that because Chandler made you or because you want to be here?
Joey: I want to be here.
Jenna: What's in the bag?
Joey: A sandwich.
Jenna: You only brought one?
Joey: I brought you ice cream. I figured that that's what pregnant women eat.
Jenna (pointing to something else in the bag): What's that?
Joey: A pregnancy test. I figured we'd want to know for sure.
Jenna: I guess it's time to take one. Give me it.
Joey: Remember, don't pee on your hand.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Monica, Rachel, Ross, Caitlin and Michael are present)
Monica: What are we gonna do about Phoebe?
Ross: There's not much we can do. You went to the police and called everyone she knows. All we can do know is pray that she's alright.
Chandler: I just don't understand why she split like that without telling anyone.
Rachel: I don't understand either. Everything seemed to be going so great for her.
(Caitlin starts crying, which makes Michael cry as well)
Chandler: That’s kinda cool, one of them starts crying and the other joins in. It's like they're talking to one another.
(Monica and Rachel pick up their child and sit down to breast feed)
Ross: Hey Chandler, I bet if we cry like that that we'd get some breast time too.
Chandler: That's the norm for me, I always have to cry to get some breast time.
Monica: You do not!
Chandler: Please, the last time I got to play with your naked breasts was nine months ago.
Monica: They're not a jungle gym Chandler.
Chandler: They are to me.
Rachel: I told you, all men are alike.
Monica: But this is Chandler, he's not a man.
Chandler: I will not take this abuse.
Monica: Then leave.
JENNA'S APARTMENT (Jenna and Joey are waiting for the tests results)
Joey: Did you pee on your hand?
Joey: That's good. Did you get it all in the bowl?
Jenna: Do me a favor and shut up.
Joey: I can do that.
(They sit on the couch in silence for a minute. Joey starts to fidget and Jenna notices)
Jenna: What is your problem?
Joey: I've got to pee.
Jenna: Then get up and go!
Joey: It won't disturb the test?
Jenna: Not unless you were planning on pissing on the stick too. (Joey goes to the bathroom) What in God's name do I see in that boy?
Joey: Did I miss anything?
Jenna: No, though it appears that you were successful in peeing on your jeans.
(Joey looks down)
Joey: I thought I was having a problem. It suddenly got really wet and warm down there.
(The timer goes off)
Jenna (getting up): Here goes nothing.
Joey: No matter what it says, I'll stand by you.
Jenna: Thanks Joey.
(Jenna goes into the bathroom. After 30 seconds she comes out and she's crying)
Joey: You are? Honey, that’s great. We're gonna have a family!
Jenna: I'm not pregnant!
Jenna: I'm not pregnant! I'm not pregnant!
Joey: Then why are you crying?
Jenna: Because I've finally found the man that I want to spend my life with! (Jenna looks at Joey who is completely blindsided) You're not gonna run out on me again are you?
Joey: That was my first instinct.
Jenna: Then why are you still here?
Joey: Because I feel the same way. I love you Jenna Eddy.
(Joey and Jenna embrace)
Jenna (pulling away): What would you have done if I was pregnant?
Joey: I'd be asking you for a spare pair of underwear.
TWO DAYS LATER
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica, Ross, Rachel, Joey and Jenna are present)
Joey: Where's Caitlin and Michael?
Ross: My Mom and Dad have Caitlin.
Chandler: And we put Michael on a bus to Detroit.
Jenna: Still not getting any sleep Chandler?
Monica: Please, he sleeps like a log. He doesn't even bother to get up to help me feed Michael.
Chandler: I'd be happy to feed on the other breast but you won't let me.
Monica: Michael's at my parents.
Rachel: So are we gonna do this or not?
Joey: I don't see why, Phoebe's simply vanished without a trace. We're never gonna find her.
Joey: I'm just saying, if Phoebe wanted to be found, we would have found her by now.
Monica: Ok, Chandler and I will take Queens. Rachel and Ross, you guys got the Village, and Jenna and Joey, you've got Brooklyn.
Joey: Brooklyn again? We had Brooklyn yesterday.
Monica: Joey, you'd get lost if we sent you anywhere else.
Jenna: Why aren't we looking in Manhattan?
Chandler: Phoebe wouldn't be caught dead in Manhattan. She dislikes how all the rich people live there.
Jenna: Isn't Phoebe a multi-millionaire?
Ross: Yeah, that what makes her so odd. She hates money, but she has a lot of it.
Rachel: Well let's go. Remember, if you find her, call us on our cell.
Joey: Or we could not call you and let you and Ross keep on looking.
Rachel: Even better, if you find her, tell her that Joey didn't want to look for her.
Monica: Let's go. Here's your flyers.
Ross: Missing, Phoebe Buffay. If you see her, approach with caution. Nice flyer, not all scary.
Monica: You know how Phoebe doesn't like to be approached by strangers.
Joey: What are you talking about? Phoebe is constantly talking to strangers.
Monica: True. Huh, I guess we need a new flyer.
Chandler: Can we go already?
(Phoebe enters with Jennifer and Brad. The gang doesn't see her. She walks up behind Joey)
Phoebe: What are you guys up to?
Joey: Christ! Phoebe!
Monica: Where in the hell have you been?! We've been looking for you for four days!
Rachel: Ah, doesn't anyone see Jennifer and Brad?
Ross: What? What are you guys doing here?
Phoebe: That's where I've been for the past four days. I was in California seeing Brad and Jennifer.
Monica: But we called there and they said they hadn't seen you!
Jennifer: Sorry, we lied, but only because Phoebe asked us to.
Chandler: I guess we better call the police.
Phoebe: Why? I didn't do anything wrong.
Chandler: They think you're missing you idiot!
Rachel: Phoebe honey, why didn't you tell us that you were going to California to see Brad and Jennifer?
Phoebe: I just needed to get away from here. I was so upset when Mitch dumped me that I had to get away. I didn't think you guys would miss me.
Ross: How can you say that Pheebs? You had us worried to death. We called everyone you knew, talked to everyone you know on the streets, went to the police, I mean we were all really worried. I mean I'm glad you're back, but I'm mad at the same time. You don't do stuff like that when you have people who really care for you.
Rachel: I agree.
Monica: Me too.
Chandler: I'm just glad you're safe. I'm a little mad, but happy you're back.
Phoebe: You guys really missed me that much?
Joey: Here, take a look at this flyer.
Phoebe (reading out loud): "Missing, Phoebe Buffay. If you see her, approach with caution." How sweet, you remember that I don't like strangers talking to me on the streets.
Joey: I thought you liked talking to strangers?
Phoebe: I do, but only if I approach them first.
Monica: I knew I had that right.
Phoebe: Don't be mad at me guys, I'm so sorry. I'll never take off like that again, I promise.
Chandler: You better not or I'll kick your ass.
Phoebe: Yeah right.
Chandler: I'll have Joey kick your ass.
Brad: Seriously Chandler, you need to take boxing lessons or something.
Chandler: I did, and she's still not afraid of me.
Rachel: Group hug! Group hug!
(The gang gathers around Phoebe and has a big hug.)
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed sleeping. Caitlin's crying and Ross wakes up.)
Rachel: Not tonight honey, I'm not in the mood.
Ross: No, Caitlin's crying.
Rachel: Then get up and do something about it.
Ross: I think she's hungry and that's your department.
Rachel: Well it's not time for her to eat.
Ross: Fine, I'll go see what's wrong.
(Ross goes to Caitlin's bedroom. The crying stops. Curious, Rachel gets out of bed and goes to Caitlin's bedroom. She enters to find Caitlin sucking on Ross' chest)
Rachel: What in the hell are you doing?!
Ross: Feeding Caitlin.
Rachel: You can't do that! She'll get confused! Give me her!
Ross: If you insist.
Rachel: Mommy's here Caitlin, I'll feed you. (to Ross) And you, you're not allowed to get up in the middle of the night anymore.
Ross: Ok. (Ross goes back to bed) You're right Chandler, it worked like a charm.