THE ONE WITH PHOEBE'S LIES
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
AMERICAN AIRLINES - FLIGHT 887 to LA (Rachel and Chandler are sitting together in first class)
Chandler: This is totally awesome. Look at all this room!
Rachel: Yeah, I can't believe we're flying first class.
Stewardess: Would you two like something to drink?
Rachel: I'll have a white wine spritzer.
Chandler: I'll have a Heineken.
Stewardess: I'll be right back.
Chandler: What hotel are you staying at?
Rachel: The Hilton by LAX.
Chandler: Same here! We can totally eat together and everything.
Rachel: And maybe if everything goes well, we can sleep together.
Chandler: Excuse me?
Rachel: We can sleep together. You know have sex.
Chandler: I can't do that, I'm in a committed relationship with your sister-in-law.
Rachel: I know, I'm keeping it all in the family.
Chandler: Are you sure you didn't see Deliverance before you boarded the plane?
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Monica and Phoebe are present)
Ross: I forgot to ask Rachel how long she's gonna be out of town.
Monica: Chandler's due back on Thursday. Where's Caitlin?
Ross: I left her at home.
Monica: What?! You can't abandon your child like that!
Ross: Would you relax, she's at Mom and Dad's. They picked her up this morning.
Phoebe: Why is it every time Rachel goes out of town you pawn off the responsibility of watching Caitlin to another family member?
Ross: It's called good time management.
Phoebe: Or poor parenting skills.
(Joey and Ashley enter)
Joey: Hello all.
Monica: Well if it isn't the happily married couple.
Ashley: That's us! Honey, I'll be right back, I'm gonna go powder my nose.
Joey: You gotta help me, she's driving me nuts! Ross, you're good at breaking up a marriage, what do I do?
Ross: Joey, you've been married to Ashley for a day. How can she be driving you nuts already?
Phoebe: Yeah Joe, what's the matter, she got you picking out china patterns and everything?
Joey: Yes! That's all we did this morning!
Monica: Joey, I know you're the king of doing stupid stuff, but this one takes the cake.
Joey: There's cake?
Monica: No Joey, I mean you've really got yourself in deep do-do this time. Why did you marry her in the first place?
Joey: So I could have sex with her.
Joey: I wasn't thinking. I wanted to have sex with her and she said the only way we could have sex was if I married her.
Ross: So you did?
Joey: Were you not listening to me, I got to have sex with her last night.
Phoebe: Hell Joe, you could've slipped her a roofie if that's all that you wanted to do. Now you're married and you're not even in love with her.
Joey: Yeah, she wasn't good in bed either. What am I gonna do?
Ashley: You didn't get the coffee yet?
Phoebe: Oh, Joey was just sharing his war story with us.
Ashley: You were in a war? Which one?
(Joey looks panicked but Phoebe saves him)
Joey: Ah, ah….
Phoebe: The war to free Canada from the evil Eskimo Empire.
Ashley: The Canadians are at war?
Joey: Yeah, they're fighting the Eskimos in the Northern Territory. Since I'm part Canadian, I had to go up there and fight for my secondary country.
Ashley: Wow! Were you shot at?
Monica: Yeah, he was. He got hit in the ass by a stray bullet.
Ashley: But I didn't see any scars on your butt last night.
Joey: Well, well, well that's because the plastic surgeon did such a great job putting my ass back together.
Ross: Yeah, Joey got a red heart from the Canadian government for putting his ass in the line of fire.
Ashley: Wow, I can't believe I'm married to a war hero. Who won the war?
Phoebe: It's not over yet. Joey was just telling us that he has to go back to Canada now that his ass has healed.
Ashley: Really? When do you leave?
Ashley: Tonight? Why didn't you tell me this earlier?
Joey: It slipped my mind.
Phoebe: Yeah, Joey also has amnesia.
VICTORIA'S SECRET - LOS ANGELES OFFICE (Rachel has arrived at the office)
Woman: Hello Ms. Geller, welcome to Los Angeles.
Rachel: Thanks. I'm sorry, who are you?
Woman: I'm Christine. I'm Mark Snow's secretary.
Rachel: Oh. Is Mark in his office?
Christine: No, he's not in yet. He called and said he was stuck in traffic.
Rachel: Is it ok if I wait for him in his office?
Christine: Sure. Can I get you anything?
Rachel: Coffee would be great.
Christine: Does Mark know you're coming to see him?
Rachel: No, it's an unannounced visit.
Christine: Oh my God! You're here to fire us all!
Rachel (shuffling Christine to Mark's office): Can I see you for a minute?
TOYS R US - LOS ANGELES OFFICE (Chandler has arrived to fix the problem in the Data
Man: Good morning Mr. Bing.
Chandler: Hey, what's up?
Chandler: You know, good morning. How are you today?
Man: Fine thanks. Welcome to Los Angeles.
Chandler: Happy to be here. So where's the head of the Data Processing Unit?
Man: Ms. Walker's office is right down the hall and to the left. You can't miss it.
Chandler: Thanks. (Chandler walks down the hall to Ms. Walker's office. He knocks and enters) Hello?
Ms. Walker: Mr. Bing?
Chandler: That's me. But please call me Chandler.
Ms. Walker: Hi, I'm Allison Walker. I guess I'm your counterpart here on the West Coast.
Chandler: How long have you been with Company?
Allison: Oh about eight years now. How about yourself?
Chandler: About a month. So do you know why I'm here?
Allison: Yeah. Donna sent you to help me fire some people on my staff.
Chandler: She told me there were some statistical analyses problems. She said nothing about firing people.
Allison: Well there are statistical problems, three of them, Ingrid White, Kathleen Robison and Gloria Vasek.
Chandler: They're all women. Why do I have to help you fire them?
Allison: Donna thought it would be better if someone from Headquarters came out here and handled the problem.
Chandler: What did they do?
Allison: They had a threesome in my office.
Chandler: And they're getting fired for that? Man this is a strict company.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Ross and Monica are present)
Ross: Well it looks like Ashley is even dumber than Joey.
Monica: No, no one can be that dumb. They wouldn't be able to walk if they were dumber than Joey.
Phoebe: I think it's great. I hope they have a happy life together.
Ross: Excuse me? Just yesterday you were in tears over the fact that Joey got married.
Phoebe: Yes, but then I realized that his marriage is never gonna work. Look at him, he already can't stand her. Trust me, by midnight his marriage will be over and he'll be one behind Ross in the number of divorces.
Monica: I'll bet you twenty bucks that they'll make it to tomorrow.
Ross: It would be a miracle if he lasted until tomorrow. After all Joey is leaving for Canada tonight to rejoin the fight against the Evil Eskimo Empire.
Phoebe: Well if it isn’t the war hero!
Joey: Yeah thanks a lot Phoebe, now I have to go to Canada to fight in the war against the Eskimos.
Monica: Joey honey, there's no such war. We were just fooling around.
Ross: Yeah buddy, we were just giving you an excuse to end your marriage to Ashley.
Joey: Oh. (pause) That's brilliant! I go to Canada for a few days, and mail a letter to her telling her that I was killed in action and I'm off the hook.
Phoebe: Yeah, that would work but you'd still be married when you returned. Only a death certificate would get you out of the marriage.
Joey: How do I get one of those?
Phoebe: Easy. I'll get you one. Of course you do realize that you'll have to change your name.
Joey: Why's that?
Phoebe: 'Cause Joey Tribbiani died in Canada.
Joey: Isn't there an easier way to do this?
Monica: Yeah Joe, be honest with Ashley.
Joey: Like I was saying, isn't there an easier way to do this?
VICTORIA'S SECRET - LOS ANGELES OFFICE (Rachel is trying to calm down Christine)
Christine: You came here to fire all of us?!
Rachel: No, not all of you.
Christine: Am I fired?
Christine: Is Mr. Snow fired?
Rachel: I can't tell you that.
Christine: You're here to fire him aren't you?
Rachel: Ok, what part of "I can't tell you that" did you not understand?
Christine: But why else would you show up unannounced?
Rachel: Would you feel better if I fired you too?
Rachel: Then I suggest you go back to your desk and do your work. (Christine goes to leave) And one other thing, you're not to tell Mark that I'm here or I'll fire your ass so fast you won't feel my boot in it.
Christine: Yes Ms. Geller. (Christine leaves)
Rachel: I am such a bad ass.
TOYS R US - LOS ANGELES OFFICE (Allison has gathered the three women Chandler is to fire. They're sitting outside Allison's office)
Co-Worker #1: Is this gonna take long Allison, I have a lot to do.
Allison: It shouldn't take long Gloria.
Co-Worker #2: Is this about you catching the three of us in a menage a trois in your office?
Allison: Yes Kathleen it is.
Co-Worker #3: But I really didn't participate, I just watched.
Kathleen: You're such a liar Ingrid. It was your idea to begin with!
Ingrid: At least I knew what I was doing. You didn't even know where to stick your tongue!
Allison: That's enough ladies!
(Chandler emerges from Allison's office)
Chandler: Ingrid White?
Ingrid: That's me!
Chandler: Follow me.
(Chandler and Ingrid go into Allison's office)
Kathleen (to Gloria): I wouldn't mind having a threesome with him.
Gloria: Yeah, it's too bad that he looks gay.
(Cut to inside the office)
Chandler: Do you know why you're here?
Ingrid: No. Not really.
Chandler: Did you have a threesome with Kathleen and Gloria in this office?
Ingrid: Yeah, was that wrong?
Chandler: You don't think that's inappropriate work behavior?
Ingrid: Hey, it wasn't my fault that Allison came back from lunch earlier than she normally does. We were just about to finish up.
Chandler: This isn't an isolated incident?
Ingrid: Nope. The three of us have been doing this every Thursday for over a year now.
Chandler: Well as much fun as it sounds like you've been having, I'm afraid that it is inappropriate behavior for the workplace. And because you were caught in your boss's office on top of that, I'm here to inform you that your job here at Toys R Us has been terminated.
Ingrid: Is that like the fancy way of saying I'm fired?
Chandler: Yeah, you're fired. You have until the end of the day to vacate the premises. Human Resources has your last check, make sure you stop by and pick it up.
Ingrid: Ok. (Ingrid gets up to leave) Oh, by the way, if you want to see our video, stop by my desk and I'll give you a copy. You'll love it, it's wall to wall girly action.
(Ingrid leaves as Allison enters)
Allison: That seemed to go well.
Chandler: Yeah. Did you know that they've been doing this for over a year? They even shot a video!
CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Phoebe are present)
Ross: Where's Monica?
Phoebe: How should I know? She's your sister.
Ross: Well you were with her this morning, I just thought maybe you knew where she was.
Phoebe: Don't you think I'd tell you if I knew where she was?
Ross: Forget I asked.
(Joey and Ashley enter)
Phoebe: Hey Joe, did you get your orders from Central Command?
Phoebe: You know, what time to report to the airport and what your mission is?
Joey: Oh those orders, yeah I leave tonight at midnight.
Ashley: Isn't he so brave? I'd be a mess if I were going to off to war.
Ross: Joey is one brave dude. Especially after getting shot in the ass, yeah that takes bravery to return to the front.
Ashley: Do you want coffee honey?
Joey: Yeah. Thanks.
(Ashley goes to the counter)
Joey: You guys have got to help me. I can't go to Canada, I don't even speak Canadian.
Ross: You were just in Canada a couple of months ago. Don't you remember, they speak English there.
Joey: Come on Pheebs, can't you think of anything?
Phoebe: Sorry Joe, you got yourself into this mess, and you're gonna have to dig yourself out.
Ashley: Ready to go shopping honey?
Joey (resigned): Yeah.
Phoebe: Where're you going?
Ashley: Were going shopping for camouflaged fatigues. We don't want Joey getting shot in the ass again.
Joey: Yeah, my butt couldn’t take another trauma.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know what you mean. You're wife would be really upset with you.
Ashley: Yeah I would.
Phoebe: You haven't told her?
Joey: Told her what?
Phoebe: About your other wife.
VICTORIA'S SECRET - LOS ANGELES OFFICE (Rachel is waiting for Mark in his office. She's on the phone)
Rachel: Are you sure I have to do this? (pause) Can't we just offer him a salary cut? (pause) Fine. I'll do it. (pause) I realize that Katie but this is a hard thing for me to do, I mean I just hired him. (pause) No, I don't think sleeping with him will make it any easier for him. (Mark enters) I've gotta go Katie. I'll call you from the airport. (Rachel hangs up the phone) Mark!
Mark: Hey Rachel, what are you doing here?
Rachel: You better sit down.
Mark: I can't, you're sitting at my desk.
Rachel (getting up): Here you go, sit.
Mark: You're here to fire me aren't you?
Rachel: Did Christine say something to you?
Mark: No. Is she fired too?
Rachel: No. She isn't.
Mark: You should really fire her, she stinks as an Administrative Assistant.
Christine (over the intercom): Thanks a lot Mr. Snow! I quit!
Mark: Oops, I had my finger on the intercom button.
Rachel (laughing): That's a good way to get someone to quit.
Mark: Am I really out of a job?
Mark: Are you here to let me go?
Rachel: Oh that, yeah I'm here to let you go.
Mark: Is this about the order of crotchless panties?
Mark: Ok, it's not.
Rachel: What did you do?
Mark: I accidentally ordered one million dollars worth of crotchless panties for the Pasadena store. I tried to cancel it but the vendor wouldn't let me.
Rachel: Don't worry about it, I'll fix it.
Rachel: Trust me. A little leg power goes a long way in this business.
Mark: And you have very nice legs.
Rachel: Yeah, and it's a good thing that Ross isn't here right now.
Mark: Should we get this over with? If you let me go now I can still make the Adidas interview at 11:30.
Rachel: You have another interview already scheduled? Did you know that I was coming?
Mark: Yeah, Ross called late last night to let me know you were coming and warned me to stay away from you.
Rachel: That's so sweet! I mean, that bastard!
Rachel: Mark, I'm sorry to inform you but due to cost cutting measures the Company has to let you go. Your division is being rolled up into one massive division that's going to be impossible for me to run. Oops, I wasn't supposed to say that. Anyway, effective today you are relieved of your duties. You will be paid through the end of the month and any vacation accrued to date will also be paid to you in the form of a lump sum. Any questions?
Mark: Are you here to fire anyone else?
Rachel: No. (pause) Is there anyone you'd like me to fire?
Mark: How about Vincent down in purchasing. He keeps making passes at me even though I told him I wasn't gay.
Rachel: Ok, consider it done. It's funny, that happens to my friend Chandler all the time.
TOYS R US - LOS ANGELES OFFICE (Chandler has finished letting go Ingrid, Gloria and Kathleen. He's talking with Allison in her office)
Allison: Thanks so much for coming here to handle that. I just didn't know what to do.
Chandler: It's no big deal. I was happy to do it.
Allison: This might be inappropriate, but are you seeing anyone.
Chandler: Actually I'm married.
Chandler: Don't feel bad, this sort of thing happens to me all the time.
Allison: I guess so. Michael will be so disappointed.
Allison: Oh my God! You're not gay?
Chandler: No! I'm married to a wonderful pregnant woman!
Allison: I'm so sorry. I just assumed that you were gay. God, I'm so embarrassed.
Chandler: I can't believe this! I can't go anywhere in this country without people assuming I'm gay!
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Ashley are present)
Ashley: You're married to another woman?!
Phoebe: Yes, he's still married to my sister Ursula. Their divorce isn't final yet.
Monica: Oh right, I forgot about Ursula. Boy was I happy to see her go, she was a real bitch.
Ashley: Why didn't the Courthouse catch it?
Phoebe: Because they got married in Canada. It's like when you get married in Las Vegas, it only counts there in Las Vegas.
Ross: Ah Pheebs….
Monica: Shut up Ross!
Ross: What I was gonna say is that Joey and Ursula got married in Canada because they had to. You can't have sex in Canada unless you're married.
Joey: And he would know those rules, he's been married four times.
Ashley: This is unbelievable!
Ross: Totally unbelievable. (Monica hits Ross in the stomach) Hey that hurt!
Monica: I guess you guys better go get a divorce. Bigamy is illegal in the United States. If Joey doesn't get a divorce, he'll be arrested and put away for life.
Monica: Yeah, you'll become someone's permanent bitch.
Phoebe: Here, here's a set of divorce papers. Just go down to the courthouse and file these. Your divorce will be final in a couple of days.
Ashley: These are already filled out!
Phoebe: Must be a magic marker.
Ashley: Oh. (pause) Wait, can't we just wait until Joey's divorce to Ursula is final?
Ross: You would think so, but no. If they find out that Joey was married to someone else while his divorce wasn't final, then he could still be arrested.
Ross: Yeah that's the first thing the marriage police look for.
Ashley: Marriage police?
Monica: You've never heard of them? (Ashley shakes her head no) My God, they're even worse then the FBI.
Ashley: I guess we better go file these papers.
Joey: I guess so. I'm sorry I got you into this mess.
Ashley: It's ok. But we better hurry, you leave for Canada in a couple of hours and we wouldn't want you to get arrested before then.
Joey: Let's go file the papers.
Ashley: Maybe after your divorce to your first wife is final we can get married again.
Joey: Highly doubtful.
Joey: I mean yeah, we'll see.
HILTON HOTEL - LOS ANGELES (Rachel and Chandler are having dinner)
Rachel: That was the roughest day. I really hate letting people go.
Chandler: I know what you mean. The three women I fired got in trouble for having a threesome in my counterpart's office.
Rachel: They really did that?
Chandler: Yeah, they even made a video of it. You wanna see it after dinner?
Rachel: You took their video?
Chandler (lying): No.
Chandler: Ok I did, but it's for evidence.
Chandler: Sure, you've got to have proof that they actually did what they said they did.
Rachel: You realize that you're a pervert.
Chandler: Yeah and you'd think I'd feel shame about that.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Phoebe and Ross are present)
Monica: That was brilliant Phoebe. That whole other wife thing, absolute brilliance.
Phoebe: I know. I can lie with the best of them.
Ross: Where'd you get the divorce papers?
Phoebe: I had my lawyer draw them up earlier today. I figured there'd be no way Joey could get himself out of his mess.
Ross: Wow, that was really nice of you.
Phoebe: Yeah, Joey will appreciate it until he gets my lawyer's bill.
Monica: How much could that be?
Phoebe: I got him a discount, it's only $1,500.
Ross: $1,500? He could've gone to my divorce lawyer for half that price.
Phoebe: Don't you think I called there? Your lawyer told me $2,000. I asked why it doesn't cost you that much and he said that he only charges you $750 because you’re a repeat client.
Monica: See Ross, you can never complain that no one ever gives you discounts again.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica, Ross, Phoebe, Joey and Caitlin are present)
Ross: So did you file the divorce papers?
Joey: Yeah. It'll be final in a week or so.
Monica: You realize this is the dumbest thing you've ever done.
Phoebe: I don't know about that.
Monica: What could possibly dumber than getting married just to have sex?
Phoebe: Getting married for stealing a stuffed penguin for one.
Joey: Yeah, that was pretty stupid too.
Phoebe: Of course, running around the apartment building completely nude looking for his clothes was pretty stupid too.
Joey: Phoebe! That was between you and I!