THE ONE WITH ALL THE PORN TAPES

 

Written by:†† Ethan

††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are present)

 

Ross:What the hell am I sitting on?

 

Phoebe:Your ass.

 

Ross:Thereís a friggin tack stuck in the couch and itís poking my ass!

 

Chandler:Welcome to the Gay World.

 

Monica:You would know.The apple doesnít fall too far from the tree.

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)

 

Chandler (to Ross):So have you spoken to Gunther since the wedding?

 

Ross:No.We agree not to acknowledge one anotherís presence.Gunther?Gunther?See, he completely ignores me.

 

Monica:Much like the rest of the population.

 

Phoebe:And Monicaís back.

 

Monica:I figured it was time to rebound.

 

Chandler:Whereíre Joey and Rachel?

 

Ross:Rach went to work.

 

Phoebe:Isnít it Saturday?

 

Ross:Yeah but she said she had a lot of work to do.She wanted to catch up.

 

Phoebe:She probably wanted to be alone with Brad.

 

Ross:What?

 

Phoebe:I didnít say anything.

 

Monica:Whereís Joey?

 

Phoebe:Heís been holed up in my, I mean his, apartment watching porn on the big screen.

 

Chandler:How do you know?

 

Phoebe:ĎCause I was over there watching it with him this morning.††

 

Ross:I think Iím going to Joeyís.

 

Chandler:Wait, Iíll join you.(Monica glares at Chandler) I guess youíre going alone.

 

Phoebe:Itís a good thing Rachelís at work with Brad or you wouldnít be watching porn Ross.

 

Ross:Rachel doesnít mine me watching porn Phoebe.In fact we watch it together.And for your information, Rachel doesnít work with Brad anymore.

 

Phoebe:Whatever.Oh and I forgot about those home movies you two made.Youíre quite the stud Ross.(Ross is embarrassed and about to kill Phoebe) Donít feel bad Ross, youíre a much better performer than Chandler.

 

Chandler:Hey! Howíd you see those tapes?!

 

Monica:Girls night in.

 

VICTORIAíS SECRET (Rachel is working in her office.Her new assistant walks in)

 

Rachel:Whatís up Brad?

 

Brad:I got those reports you wanted from storage.Do you need anything else?

 

Rachel:Yeah, if you could go get me a cup of coffee, that would be great.

 

Brad: Ok, Iíll be back in a jiffy.

 

(The phone rings)

 

Rachel:Hello?

 

Ross (on the phone from Joeyís):Hey honey, itís me.When are you coming home?

 

Rachel:In a couple of hours.

 

Ross:Canít you come home sooner?

 

Rachel:No.Whatíre you doing?

 

Ross:Iím hanging out with Joey.(to Joey) Say hi Joey.

 

Joey:Hey Rach!

 

Rachel:Why are there moans and groans in the background?

 

Ross:I donít hear any moans.

 

Rachel:Are you watching porn?

 

Ross:Yeah.You should see it on the big screen TV, itís so life like.

 

Rachel:At least I know why you want me to come home.(Brad re-enters)

 

Brad:Hereís your coffee.

 

Rachel:Thanks.

 

Ross:Whoís there with you?

 

Rachel:Just my assistant.

 

Ross:I thought your assistant was Maggie.Does Maggie have a chest cold or something, she sounds like a man.

 

Rachel:I fired Maggie and got a new assistant.

 

Ross:A man?

 

Rachel:Yes.

 

Ross:Whatís his name?

 

Rachel:Michael.

 

Ross:Ok.Look, come home soon, Iíve got something to show you.

 

Rachel:I bet.

 

Ross:I love you.

 

Rachel:I love you too sweetie.Bye.(Rachel hangs up the phone)

 

Brad:Whyíd you call me Michael?

 

Rachel:Because Ross would kill the both of us if he found out I hired you.Now go get me something to eat, Iím starving.

 

JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Ross are watching porn)

 

Joey:This is the way it should be all the time.They should have an all-porn channel.

 

Ross:They do, itís the Spice channel.

 

Joey:And youíre just telling me this now!

 

Ross:Well as much fun as Iím having watching porn and drinking beer, Iím gonna go surprise Rach at work.

 

Joey:Let me get this straight, you have time alone to do what you want and instead of watching pornos with me, youíre gonna go surprise your wife at her office?

 

Ross:Pretty much.

 

Joey:You need to get a life.

 

Ross:Did you know the girls saw the home porn tapes that Chandler and I made with our wives.

 

Joey:Yeah, I saw them too.You were way better than Chandler.Oh and you should really shave your ass.

 

Ross:You saw them too?!And hey, thereís nothing wrong with my ass!

 

Joey:Yeah, it was girls night in.

 

Ross:Youíre not a girl!

 

Joey:Yeah but it was my idea so they let me stay.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Monica are present)

 

Phoebe:So youíre really feeling better?

 

Monica:Yeah, I havenít cried in three days.

 

Phoebe:Thatís good.Good for you.

 

Monica:So do you still have feelings for Joey?

 

Phoebe:Huh?

 

Monica:Are you over Joey?

 

Phoebe:No, I was mostly under him.

 

Monica:Thatís not what I meant.

 

Phoebe:Iím getting by. Itís best that weíre just friends.Friends who have hot sex together.

 

Monica:You guys are still sleeping together?!

 

Phoebe:No!

 

Monica:But you said friends who have hot sex together.

 

Phoebe:No, no.He gave me a copy of the home video we made.I watch it over and over again.

 

Monica:My god, weíre all turning into porn addicts!

 

VICTORIAíS SECRET (Rachel is working in her office.Ross walks in)

 

Ross:Surprise!

 

Rachel:What are you doing here?

 

Ross:I came to say hi.

 

Rachel:Look, I really appreciate you coming down here, but I have a lot of work to do.Could you just go do something else?

 

Ross (hurt):Well excuse me for wanting to hang out with the woman I love.

 

Rachel:I donít mean to be mean Ross, itís just that I have a lot of work to do.I fell so far behind when I took those days off to be with Mon, I just really need to catch up.

 

Ross:Canít I just take a nap here on your floor?

 

Rachel:No, because then Iíll wanna lie down next to you and the next thing you know weíll be getting all hot and heavy.

 

Ross:And thatís bad?

 

Rachel:It is when I have a lot of work to do.Look, Iíll make it up to you tonight, I promise.

 

Ross:Princess Leia?

 

Rachel:No, we already made that video.

 

Ross:Cops and Robbers?

 

Rachel: We did that one too.

 

(Brad enters)

 

Brad:Rach, Iím all finishedÖ.oh sorry, I didnít know you had company.

 

Ross:Whatís he doing here?

 

Rachel:Heís my new assistant.

 

Ross:I thought Michael was your new assistant.

 

Rachel:He is, thatís Bradís twin brother.

 

Brad:You must be Ross, Iím Michael.†††††

 

Ross:Michael, if you could excuse us, I have to talk to Rachel for a minute.

 

Brad:Iím outta here anyway, see ya Mrs. Geller.

 

Rachel:Bye Brad, I mean Michael.(to Ross) I still get those two confused. Weíre gonna have a big fight arenít we?

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica is reading on the couch when Chandler walks in)

 

Chandler:Guess what I found?

 

Monica:Your penis?

 

Chandler:Ok, I liked you much better when you were depressed.

 

Monica:You are so mean!

 

Chandler:Iím sorry, that was mean.No, I found Phoebe and Joeyís homemade video.

 

Monica:Whereíd you get it?

 

Chandler:I was in Joeyís, ah Phoebeís apartment and I found it.

 

Monica:You broke into Phoebeís place, whatís wrong with you?

 

Chandler:I didnít break in, I still have my key.

 

Monica:Oh.Where was the tape?

 

Chandler:In Phoebeís underwear drawer.

 

Monica:You went rooting through her stuff?

 

Chandler:Do you wanna watch the tape or not?

 

Monica:Put it in.††††††

 

VICTORIAíS SECRET (Continued from before)

 

Ross:Well I guess I better go.Iíll see you at home.

 

Rachel:Are you mad?

 

Ross:Furious is a more appropriate word, but Iím not gonna fight with you at your place of business.(Ross leaves)

 

Rachel (to herself): Great, how am I gonna tell him now?

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Continued from before)

 

Chandler:Wow, Phoebe really is stacked.(notices Monica is staring at him)But not as stacked as you.And besides, hers are fake.

 

Monica:We should shut this off, this isnít right. We shouldnít be watching our friends have sex.

 

Chandler:You showed Joey, Phoebe and Rachel our tapes!

 

Monica:Still.

 

(Phoebe enters)

 

Phoebe:What you guys watching?Oh my God, thatís Ursula and Joey.When did Joey become a porn star?

 

Monica:You might wanna look a little closer.

 

Phoebe:Oh my God, thatís me!Wow, I really am stacked.

 

(Joey enters)

 

Joey:Hey, thatís me and Phoebe, I have been looking for that.

 

Phoebe:I thought you said you made a copy.

 

Joey:I did, but I watched it so much I burned up the tape.

 

Chandler:You guys owe it to porn to continue making videos.

 

Monica:You both are quite talented.You make our and Ross and Rachelís videos look amateurish.

 

Phoebe (to Joey):See, I told you it would pay to have my sisterís director shoot our home video.

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross is talking with Carol and Susan)

 

Carol:Are you sure you donít mind watching Ben this weekend?

 

Ross:No not at all.I am the boyís father after all.

 

Susan:And a good one at that. (notices Ross is blankly staring at her)Iím not always a bitch you know.Iíve gotta go, Iíll see you at home Carol. See ya Ross.

 

Ross:Susan.

 

Carol:Come on Ross, itís been seven years since Susan and I got together, why do you still act all weird around her?

 

Ross:Because she converted my ex-wife to lesbianism?Anyway, it looks like Rachel and I are about to have our first major fight as a married couple.

 

Carol:What happened?

 

Ross:Do you remember Brad from her old job at Ralph Lauren?

 

Carol:The one that she kissed?

 

Ross:Thatíd be the one.

 

Carol:So?

 

Ross:She hired him to be her personal assistant.

 

Carol:And thatís bad because?

 

Ross:She hired him and lied to me about it.She told me she hired a guy named Michael.Instead she hired Brad and then to make matters worse, she introduced Brad as Michael, saying it was Bradís twin brother.

 

Carol:So?

 

Ross:What do you mean so?My wife lied to me.

 

Carol:Yeah.Youíve become much more astute about that since we broke up, I lied to you all the time when I was seeing Susan on the side.

 

Ross:Whyíd you bring that up? (pause) If she starts lying to me after only two months of marriage, weíre not gonna stay married for long.

 

Carol:Maybe she was trying to help Brad out.

 

Ross:Donít you have somewhere to be?

 

Carol:Come on Ross, youíre Rachelís world.She loves you more than anything.Sheís not gonna risk her marriage over something like this.

 

Ross:I hope youíre right.

 

(Rachel enters)

 

Carol (hugging Ross):I do too.I love you.

 

Ross:I love you too Carol.Thanks.

 

Rachel:You better not love her as much as you love me.

 

Carol:Hey Rach, I was just leaving.So youíve got Ben this weekend?

 

Ross:Yeah.Iíll see you Friday night.

 

(Carol leaves)

 

Rachel:We have Ben this weekend?Why didnít you tell me?

 

Ross:ĎCause apparently we donít have to tell each other everything.

 

Rachel:Ok, I deserved that.Look, about beforeÖ.

 

Ross:I really donít feel like talking right now.Iím gonna go take a nap.

 

Rachel:Ok.I love you Ross.

 

Ross:Uh huh.

 

Rachel (to herself):This is gonna be a long night.

 

(Time Lapse:An hour later.Rachel has made dinner for Ross and is waiting for him at the table.Ross emerges from the bedroom)

 

Ross:You must really think that youíre in trouble.

 

Rachel:Huh?

 

Ross:You actually made dinner.It looks good, whatever it is.

 

Rachel:Itís chicken casserole without the chicken.We didnít have any chicken.Ah, are you still mad at me?

 

Ross:Yeah, Iím still mad.

 

Rachel:Do you wanna talk about it?

 

Ross:No, thereís nothing to say.

 

Rachel:So youíre cool with Brad being my assistant?

 

Ross:No, Iím not cool with it.

 

Rachel:Then we should talk about it.

 

Ross:Why?Youíre just gonna keep lying to me.

 

Rachel:Yes, I lied to you.Iím sorry, it wonít happen again.

 

Ross:Whatever.

 

Rachel:Donít you wanna know why I hired Brad?

 

Ross:Not particularly.

 

Rachel:He needed help.He needed a job.

 

Ross:Well his knight in shining armor definitely came to the rescue now didnít she?

 

Rachel:Yes I did.It was the least I could do.You know I interviewed ten people for my assistant job and he was the most qualified.

 

Ross:What, did your interview questions include who was the best kisser?

 

Rachel:@@#$ you Ross!

 

Ross:I really donít feel like having sex right now.I donít perform well when Iím angry.

 

Rachel:Thatís not what I meant!

 

Ross:I know what you meant.@#$% you too.

 

Rachel:Are you trying to piss me off, because youíre succeeding.

 

Ross:Hey, youíre the one who didnít even have the decency to tell me that you hired Brad as your assistant.You went behind my back because you assumed I would be mad.

 

Rachel:Youíre mad arenít you?

 

Ross:What do you think?You didnít once think that I might be ok with it?

 

Rachel:Why would you be ok with it?I did kiss the guy or have you forgotten about that?

 

Ross:Then why did you hire him?

 

Rachel:I told you, he needed a job and he was the most qualified.

 

Ross:Fine.You helped someone in their time of need, I can appreciate that.But I donít appreciate being lied to.Thatís not what marriage is supposed to be about.

 

Rachel:Youíd know, this is your fourth marriage.

 

Ross: Damn it Rachel, Iím trying to tell you that you donít have to lie to me!Iím in this for the long haul and Iíll stand by you in whatever decision you make.

 

Rachel:Oh, I didnít look at it like that.Thatís so sweet.Iím sorry. (goes to hug Ross who pushes her away)

 

Ross:If youíre gonna lie to me about things when you think Iím gonna get mad or upset, then we might as well end this marriage now before we have children.

 

Rachel:Itís kinda late for that.

 

Ross:Pardon me?

 

Rachel:Iím pregnant.

 

Ross:Run that by me again.

 

Rachel:Iíve been meaning to tell you all day, but the time has never been right.But the truth is, Iím pregnant.Iím two weeks along.

 

Ross:Let me get this straight, youíre pregnant, Iím gonna be a father again and you pick this time, when we are fighting, to tell me that youíre pregnant?

 

Rachel:I guess so.

 

(long pause)

 

Ross:What were we fighting about?

 

Rachel:We were fightingÖ.

 

Ross:I know.I donít believe this, Iím gonna be a Daddy again!Youíre gonna quit lying to me?

 

Rachel:Yes.It wonít, well it probably wonít, happen again.

 

Ross:And youíre gonna fire Brad?

 

Rachel:Donít push youíre luck.But hey, Iíll have him reassigned within the company.He really sucks as an assistant.†††

 

Ross:Come here.(takes Rachel in his arms)I love you.

 

Rachel:I love you too.(pause) Now about that video we were gonna make tonightÖ.

 

Ross:Yeah, I guess we canít.

 

Rachel:Like hell, Iíve already set up the camera!††

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

JOEYíS (PHOEBEíS) APARTMENT (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present.They are all watching porn on the big screen TV)

 

Monica:I think our videos are better than this crap.

 

Chandler:I agree.

 

Joey:Whatíre you talking about?This is classic porn.This movie is a porn classic.They donít make them like this anymore.

 

Phoebe:Thatís because half the people are dead from drug overdoses and the other half retired with sexually transmitted diseases.

 

Joey:Youíre ruining my movie!And how do you know that stuff?

 

Phoebe:I read a book about it.

 

Chandler:Whatís the book called?

 

Phoebe:The World of Porn:Men Are From Mars and Women If Youíre Not Careful, Theyíll Stick It Up Uranus.

 

THE END