THE ONE WITH THE POSTPONEMENT 

 

Written by: eze93@yahoo.com

 

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are present)

 

Monica (to Rachel):  Isn’t your wedding in six weeks?

 

Rachel:  Yeah, I’m so excited.  The invitations are going out this week. 

 

Phoebe:  How many people are you guys having?

 

Rachel:  Thanks to you Pheebs, 500.

 

Monica:  You’re having 500 people at your wedding?  You don’t even know 500 people.  And where did you guys get the money?

 

Rachel:  Well my parents are paying for most of it. 

 

Monica:  How much did they contribute? 

 

Rachel:  $40,000.  Oh, and your parents are contributing $5,000. 

 

Monica:  No way is that enough to pay for a wedding with 500 people.  You and Ross are paying for the rest?

 

Phoebe:  No, I am!  (Monica looks at Phoebe in shock)

 

OPENING CREDITS  

 

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)

 

Monica (to Phoebe):  You’re helping pay for their wedding?!

 

Phoebe:  Yeah. They wanted a big wedding but couldn’t afford it.  So I volunteered to pick up the rest of the tab. 

 

Monica:  You didn’t offer to help pay for our wedding!

 

Phoebe:  Well, you had Mrs. Bing to help. 

 

Monica:  What does that have to do with anything?

 

Phoebe:  Well Mrs. Bing is a multi-millionaire.

 

Monica:  So what?  That doesn’t mean she helped pay for our wedding.

 

Phoebe:  Oh.

 

Rachel:  Look Mon, what’s the big deal?  So Pheebs is helping pay for our wedding, it’s her gift to Ross and I. 

 

Phoebe:  Exactly. 

 

Monica:  And what did you get us Phoebe?

 

Phoebe:  You know what I got you, his and her’s towels.

 

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Ross and Chandler are hanging out)

 

Chandler:  Your sister is driving me nuts.

 

Ross:  I told you not to marry her. 

 

Chandler:  No you didn’t!

 

Ross:  Oh, I must’ve told Joey.  What did she do now?

 

Chandler:  She’s milking me dry. 

 

Ross:  Keeps spending your money?

 

Chandler:  No, she keeps wanting to have sex. 

 

Ross:  What did I tell you about discussing your sex life with me?

 

Chandler:  Nothing, you must have told Joey. 

 

(Joey enters)

 

Joey:  Hey, guess what?

 

Chandler:  Italian Americans are the leading minority in the Village?

 

Joey:  What?

 

Ross:  Forget about him Joey, what is it?

 

Joey:  I got the lead in a movie!

 

Chandler:  They resurrected Shutter Speed? 

 

Joey:  No.  (pause) Though that would be cool. 

 

Ross:  What’s the movie?

 

Joey:  The Adventures of Larry the Lounge Lizard.   It’s totally cool, it’s about this Italian guy who goes on these cool adventures and sleeps with beautiful women. 

 

Chandler:  They’re making a movie about your life?

 

Joey:  No, would you listen, the movie is about an Italian guy.  Am I Italian?  (Chandler and Ross look at Joey)  Ok, so I’m Italian.  But the movie isn’t about me.

 

Ross:  What about General Hospital?

 

Joey:  They’re gonna shoot the movie around my schedule. 

 

Chandler:  Are you getting paid for this movie? 

 

Joey:  Yes, they’re paying me.

 

Chandler:  What?

 

Joey:  $3,000. 

 

Ross:  That’s it, $3,000?

 

Joey:  Hey, $3,000 is a lot of money!  That’s more than I make per episode of General Hospital. 

 

Ross:  But this is for a whole movie!  Hell, I made $100,000 as a consultant for Jurassic Park III.

 

Chandler (to Ross):  They paid you that much?

 

Ross (to Chandler):  Jennifer negotiated my deal.

 

Joey:  I don’t care what you guys think, I’m the lead in a movie!

 

Chandler:  Joey, porn stars get more money per film than what you’re getting.

 

Joey:  Are you unsupporting me again?

 

Chandler:  No.  No.  Act away Larry. 

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are addressing their wedding invitations)

 

Ross:  We’ve invited too many people. 

 

Rachel:  You think?  Who are Andrea Bendewald and Guest?

 

Ross:  She’s Jennifer’s best friend and Guest is her significant other.

 

Rachel:  You’re inviting Jennifer’s friend to our wedding?  I don’t even know this person.

 

Ross:  You invited Brad and Jennifer!

 

Rachel:  So?  I know them!

 

Ross:  Well, I met Andrea when I was in LA and I invited her. 

 

Rachel:  Is there anyone else that you invited that you haven’t told me about?

 

Ross:  Yeah, I invited Emily. 

 

Rachel:  As in your ex-wife Emily?

 

Ross:  Yeah, I hope that’s not a problem.

 

Rachel:  Are you insane?  And when did you bump into her?

 

Ross:  Relax, I’m kidding.  Oh, I did invite Kathy Najimy.

 

Rachel:  Who is that?

 

Ross: Another friend of Jennifer’s I met in LA. 

 

Rachel:  Ok, you’re not allowed to go to LA anymore without me.   

 

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are present)

 

Monica:  I just can’t believe Phoebe is helping pay for Ross and Rachel’s wedding. 

 

Chandler:  Well I think it’s nice.  (Monica glares at Chandler)  Ok, I don’t think it’s nice.  What a bitch!

 

Monica:  Why aren’t you mad about this?

 

Chandler:  Should I be mad?

 

Monica:  Yes!

 

Chandler:  Why?

 

Monica:  We only had 200 people at our wedding. 

 

Chandler:  So? 

 

Monica:  Ross and Rachel get to have 500 people. 

 

Chandler:  Again, so?

 

Monica:  It’s just not fair. 

 

Chandler:  Do you wanna get a divorce and get married again and make Phoebe pay for it?

 

Monica:  That’s an idea. 

 

Chandler:  Look Mon, this is ridiculous.  So Ross and Rachel are having a big wedding, so what?  That’s just more time they’ll have to spend thanking everyone who came.  They won’t get to party like we did. 

 

Monica:  Is that all you care about?

 

Chandler:  Ah, ah, ah…..stop turning this on me!  This is your fight not mine!  You can’t stay mad at Phoebe forever!

 

Monica:  Just watch me!

 

PHOEBE & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT  (Chandler and Phoebe are present)

 

Phoebe:  Is Monica still mad at me?

 

Chandler (holding up shredded towels):  Does this answer your question?

 

Phoebe:  That’s the towels I gave you guys!

 

Chandler:  I know, I’m sorry Phoebe, she’s out of control. 

 

Phoebe:  Did you tell her about our secret?

 

Chandler:  No, that was part of the deal. 

 

Phoebe:  You can tell her if you want. 

 

Chandler:  No Pheebs, she’s making her bed, she can sleep in it too. 

 

Phoebe:  You’re a mean husband.   I like it.  (pause) How ‘bout getting a divorce and marrying me?

 

Chandler:  You can’t be serious?

 

Phoebe:  Come here sugar!

 

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey and Courteney are present)

 

Courteney:  I can’t believe this, my boyfriend is the lead in a movie!

 

Joey:  Not to shabby eh!  Wanna make a movie of our own?

 

Courteney:  Joey!

 

Joey:  One of these days you’re gonna say yes and I’m not gonna want to!

 

(Rachel enters)

 

Joey/Courteney:  Hey!

 

Rachel:  Hey Courteney, what’s up Larry?

 

Joey:  Just practicing for my movie.  What are you doing here?

 

Rachel:  I was at the post office dropping off the wedding invitations and I figured I stop by. 

 

Courteney:  When’s the wedding?

 

Rachel:  July 7th.

 

Joey:  That’s no good. 

 

Rachel:  What?

 

Joey:  I can’t make it that day, I’ll be in The Netherlands. 

 

Rachel:  You’re going to The Netherlands?  Since when?

 

Joey:  The opening of Larry the Lounge Lizard in The Netherlands is on July 7th.  I have to be there for the opening. 

 

Courteney:  And I get to go with him!

 

Rachel:  The movie is gonna be finished by then?

 

Joey:  Yeah, it’s a big time Hollywood production, it’s a one-week shoot. 

 

Rachel:  Well I’m sorry Joe, but we’re not postponing the wedding.

 

Joey:  But you have to postpone the wedding! I’m one of Ross’s best men!   

 

Rachel:  Well he’ll just have to make do with Chandler. 

 

Joey:  You can’t do this!  I’m talking to Ross!

 

Rachel:  Fine, talk to Ross, but he’s not gonna agree with you. 

 

CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe and Chandler are present)

 

Phoebe:  What am I gonna do?

 

Chandler:  I dunno Pheebs.  I say let it blow over, but I don’t think it will. 

 

Phoebe:  I think you should tell her. 

 

Chandler:  No Pheebs, that would break my promise to you. 

 

Phoebe:  I’m gonna lose a friend over this whole deal and you’re worried about a promise to me….that’s so sweet.

 

(Monica enters)

 

Chandler:  Hey Mon. 

 

Phoebe:  Hey Monica. 

 

Monica (ignoring Phoebe – to Chandler):  Hey honey.  Gunther, could I get a mocha to go? Chandler, we’re having dinner at my parents, be home by 5. 

 

Chandler:  We’re having dinner with them again?  (Monica looks at Chandler) I’ll be home by 5.

 

Monica:  I’ll see you later sweetie. (leans down and kisses Chandler)  Phoebe. 

 

Phoebe:  Well at least she acknowledged my presence.  Why is she so damn competitive?  It’s just a stupid wedding.  She should be thankful that you agreed to marry her. 

 

Chandler:  Look, I’ll tell her tonight.  I just want her to get more riled up so she’ll feel really guilty about what she’s done to you. 

 

Phoebe:  You’re really enjoying this aren’t you?

 

Chandler:  Contrary to popular belief, I do have a dark side. 

 

Phoebe:  You don’t have to tell Joey.

 

Chandler:  Huh?

 

Phoebe:  Kathy.

 

Chandler:  Right. 

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross is present.  There’s a knock on the door.  It’s Joey)

 

Ross:  Hey, what are you doing here?

 

Joey:  You can’t have the wedding on July 7th. 

 

Ross:  What?

 

Joey:  You can’t have the wedding on July 7th, I’m gonna be in The Netherlands. 

 

Ross:  Why?

 

Joey:  Would you stop asking me questions!  Look, have the wedding on the 14th, one week later ain’t gonna kill you, and then I can be there and be your best man.

 

Ross:  Ok, that would be great, but we just mailed all the invitations for the 7th.  It’s too late to change the wedding. 

 

Joey:  So you’re gonna get married without me?  Thanks a lot.  I thought we were friends.

 

Ross:  We are friends Joey and I want you to be there.  Don’t go to The Netherlands.  

 

Joey:  I can’t.  My movie is opening. 

 

Ross:  What movie?

 

Joey:  The Adventures of Larry The Lounge Lizard. 

 

Ross:  You haven’t even started filming it yet!  How could it be ready by July 7th?

 

Joey:  I told you, it’s a one week shoot.  The producers said I had to be in The Netherlands on July 7th.   

 

Ross:  Ok, look, I’ll talk to Rachel and see if we can postpone the wedding until the 14th. 

 

Joey:  Thanks Ross, I owe you one. 

 

Ross:  Look don’t get your hopes up, Rachel’s never gonna agree to this. 

 

Joey:  At least you’re willing to try, she already told me no. 

 

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are returning from dinner with her parents)

 

Monica:  You’re being awfully quiet tonight.  What did you do now?

 

Chandler:  Why is it that every time I’m quiet you assume I have must have done something?

 

Monica:  ‘Cause the last time you were this quiet you asked me if my boobs were real or not. 

 

Chandler:  Well I didn’t do anything this time, you did. 

 

Monica:  I did?  What did I do to you?

 

Chandler:  You didn’t do anything to me.  You did it to Phoebe. 

 

Monica:  I can’t believe you’re taking her side!  I’m your wife!

 

Chandler:  Calm down.  Let me explain. 

 

Monica:  There’s nothing to explain! Goodnight!  (Monica makes a move towards their bedroom)

 

Chandler:  Monica!  Sit down!

 

Monica:  Are you yelling at me?!

 

Chandler:  Yes!

 

Monica (surprised):  Ok, I’ll sit.  What is it?

 

Chandler:  Do you know that romantic honeymoon we took?  The week in Paris at the expensive hotel in the master suite, dining out every night, you getting whatever you wanted…..

 

Monica:  Yeah.  What about it?

 

Chandler:  Phoebe paid for it. 

 

Monica (shocked):  What? 

 

Chandler:  Phoebe paid for our honeymoon. 

 

Monica (still shocked):  What?

 

Chandler:  Look, I had spent all of my money on the wedding since my parents didn’t contribute a dime.  Phoebe found out about it and told me not to worry about paying for the honeymoon.  I told her no, but she insisted.  We made a promise that we wouldn’t tell you ‘cause she didn’t want you feeling that you owed her. 

 

Monica:  Phoebe’s real present to us was our honeymoon?

 

Chandler:  Yes. 

 

Monica:  I feel like such an ingrate. 

 

Chandler:  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, but I made a promise to Phoebe. 

 

Monica:  I can’t believe this, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me, except for you asking me to marry you of course. 

 

Chandler:  Of course. 

 

Monica:  I have got to see Pheebs.  Are you coming?

 

Chandler:  No.  I think you should go alone. 

 

Monica:  I’ll be back. 

 

CENTRAL PERK  (Phoebe is reading on the couch – Monica enters)

 

Monica:  Gunther, could I get a nonfat latte?  Hey Pheebs. 

 

Phoebe (standing up and hugging Monica):  You’re welcome.

 

Monica:  You’re suppose to let me say thank you first.    Thanks.

 

Phoebe:  You’re welcome.

 

Monica:  I’m sorry I acted like such a bitch.

 

Phoebe:  And a baby.

 

Monica:  And a baby.  Look, I’m really sorry.  I love you Pheebs. 

 

Phoebe:  I love you too Mon. 

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are lying in bed)

 

Ross:  Joey came to see me today. 

 

Rachel:  We’re not moving the wedding to accommodate Joey. 

 

Ross:  I didn’t think so.  But let me ask you this, if Monica or Phoebe couldn’t be at the wedding, would you postpone it for them?

 

Rachel:  That’s different. 

 

Ross:  How is that different?

 

Rachel:  Weddings are more important for the girl than the guy.  It’s important that the bride’s bridesmaids are all present. 

 

Ross:  So your saying my groomsmen aren’t important?

 

Rachel:  Not exactly. 

 

Ross:  Then what are you saying?

 

Rachel:  Look, do we have to talk about this now? 

 

Ross:  Yes we do.  I don’t wanna go to sleep thinking that my friends are less important than yours. 

 

Rachel:  I didn’t say that!  I just said it was more important for all of the bridesmaids to be there. 

 

Ross:  You don’t think the wedding day is as special for guys as it is for girls do you?

 

Rachel:  Why are you asking me?  You’re the one that’s had three wedding days. Were they important to you?

 

Ross (getting mad):  That knife won’t come out of my back.

 

Rachel:  Look, we’ve sent out the invitations already, it’s too late.  If Joey’s gonna be gone, he’s gonna be gone.  It’s not my fault. 

 

Ross:  I want to postpone the wedding until Joey can make it.  Joey’s my friend and it’s important to me that he’s there to stand by my side. 

 

Rachel:  We’re not moving the wedding, end of story.

 

Ross (under his breath):  It’d be hard for you to get married if I’m not there. 

 

Rachel:  What did you say?

 

Ross:  We’re postponing the wedding for Joey.

 

Rachel (getting very mad):  No we’re not!  We’re getting married on the 7th and that’s final!

 

Ross:  Well have fun marrying air because I won’t be there!

 

Rachel:  What?

 

Ross:  You heard me, we move the wedding so Joey can make it or there will be no wedding!

 

Rachel:  Are you threatening me?!  You’re gonna call off the wedding?  You do this and there will never be another wedding, and oh yeah, we’re through!

 

Ross:  Call my bluff. 

 

Rachel:  We’re not moving the wedding!

 

Ross:  Then there is no wedding.  I’m sorry. 

 

Rachel:  Get out!

 

Ross:  Sorry, I left last time.  It’s your turn. 

 

Rachel:  If you let me leave, I’m not coming back this time!

 

Ross (calmly):  Rach, all you have to do is move the wedding.  That’s all I want.  We can easily get new invitations at my expense.  I’ll call all of the guests on the list and tell them that there was an error and that the wedding is the 14th.  I’ll take care of all the other arrangements. If you don’t love me enough to do that, then maybe we shouldn’t be getting married. 

 

Rachel:  I guess you’re right, maybe we shouldn’t get married.  (Rachel, who is crying, leaves – Ross sits down and cries)

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

THE SET OF LARRY THE LOUNGE LIZARD (Joey is standing in a robe)

 

Director:  Are you ready?

 

Joey:  Yeah. 

 

Director:  Alright, disrobe.  (Joey does and is naked)  Hold on, his equipment isn’t ready.  Girls, could you get Mr. Tribbiani ready please. 

 

(Two scantily clad women approach Joey and get down on their knees in front of him) 

 

Joey:  Whoa, what are they doing?

 

Director:  They’re getting you ready for the shot.  That’s their job.

 

Joey:  Wait a minute, what kind of movie is this?

 

Director:  It’s an adult film, didn’t the casting people tell you that?

 

(Cut to Joey who has a look of horror on his face)

 

Joey:  Oh my God, I’m the lead in a porno film!

 

The End