THE ONE WITH THE PRANK Ė PART I
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are watching TV)
Chandler:† Now see, her boobs are real.
Joey:† No way, theyíre silicone all the way.†
Chandler:† How do you know?
Joey:† I am an expert. I should have a degree in Boobology.† See this here, see how they donít sag, yeah, her boobs are too perfect.† They're too pert.
Joey:† That not a word?
Chandler:† I dunno.†
Joey:† How 'bout perky?
Chandler:† Her boobs are definitely perky.† Theyíre defying gravity.
Joey:† You know has big boobs?†
Chandler:† Yeah she does.† Hey, thatís my wife!
Joey:† Are they real?
Chandler:† Iím not having this discussion with you.
Joey:† Theyíre not real are they?† Sheís a tiny woman.† No way a woman that small has boobs that big.
Chandler:† Theyíre real.† End of discussion.†
Joey:† Afraid to ask her?
Chandler:† Couldnít be more petrified.†
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)
Rachel:† Where's Joey?
Chandler:† Heís having lunch with Courteney.† Speaking of lunch, mine is over. Iíd better get back to the office.† You know the new Vice President has to set a good example.† See you children.††
Phoebe:† I still think heís gonna get fired.†
Rachel:† Well if I donít return to the office I surely will get fired.† (everyone looks at Rachel with a quizzical stare)† Iím still on probation.† (now they all nod their head in agreement)† Call me later honey.†
Ross:† Will do.†
Phoebe:† Donít you have to work today Ross?
Ross:† Itís Spring Break baby!
Monica:† Ross youíre a professor, not a student.
Phoebe:† Heís the only professor I know who dates his students.
Ross:† Dated.† Ok, so I dated a student, big deal.†
Monica:† By the way, what grade did you give Elizabeth?
Ross:† Thatís privileged information.†
Monica:† You gave her an ďAĒ didnít you?†
Phoebe:† Thatís not all he gave her.†
RALPH LAUREN† (Rachel is busy working.† Kim walks into her office)
Rachel:† Hey Kim, what can I do for you?
Kim:† Pack your things, youíre fired.†
Rachel:† Excuse me?†
Kim:† Youíre fired.† You violated the terms of your probation.†
Rachel:† What did I do?
Kim:† You failed another drug test.†
Rachel:† Thatís impossible, I havenít done any drugs!†
Kim:† You heard me, get your things and get out!
(Suddenly Rachel wakes up)
Rachel:† Oh my God, it was a dream.† Ok, Ok, Ross has got to stop waking me up in the middle of the night.
Kim:† I see that youíre up now.† Did you have a good sleep?
Rachel:† Iím so sorry Kim, it will never happen again.†
Kim:† Donít worry about it.† It will never happen again, youíre fired.
Kim:† Just kidding.† Listen, I need you to fly to Los Angeles tomorrow to meet with some designers on Friday morning.† Is that going to be a problem?
Rachel:† No, no problem.
Kim:† I got you an extra ticket too.† Take Ross and have some fun while youíre there, make a weekend out of it.†
Rachel:† Thanks. Ross will be thrilled.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler, Phoebe and Ross are hanging out)
Phoebe:† I still canít believe that they promoted you.† You donít do anything.
Chandler:† Thatís not true.† I do lots of things.†
Ross:† Like what?
Chandler:† Well each week I approved everyoneís WENUS reports and I review their ANUS reports at the end of each year.†
Phoebe:† Sounds dirty.† (mimicking Chandler)† Excuse me, but can I see your ANUS please.
Ross:† Imagine if he accidentally combined the WENUS and the ANUS together.
Phoebe:† It would be like the hot dog and the bun.†
Chandler:† Are you guys finished?† You know I also get to approve all office supply orders.
Ross:† Wow, youíre one powerful company executive.† You get to massage the WENUS and the ANUS to your liking and you get to approve supply purchases.† Hell I canít even get the University to buy me a new stapler.
Phoebe:† Maybe you were exceeding your allotted staple ANUS.
Rachel:† Hey guess what?
Chandler:† Your boobs aren't real?
Rachel:† No, these are genuine 100% Grade A breasts.†
Ross:† I'll attest to that.†
Phoebe:† Put it back in your pants Ross.†
Rachel:† Seriously, Ross and I are going to Los Angeles tomorrow!
Ross:† Funny, I donít remember being asked to go anywhere.
Rachel:† Youíre going.
Ross:† I have been asked.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are packing for their trip)
Ross:† I donít see why I have to go.† Youíre gonna be in meetings all day.† What am I suppose to do, watch movies in the hotel room?
Rachel:† Are you saying you donít want to spend time with me?
Rachel:† Then what are you saying?
Ross:† Could I go to the meetings with you?
Ross:† Why not?
Rachel:† Because the last time you went to a fashion event with me you embarrassed me by falling asleep.
Ross:† Thatís because the dude talked about strappy backed dresses for forty-five minutes.
Rachel:† And thatís why youíre not coming to the meetings.†
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Rachel and Ross are present.† Courteney is there too)
Monica:† So Ross and Rachel left for LA already?
Phoebe:† Yeah.† Maybe they will draw on each other like when they flew to Vegas together.†
Chandler:† If they do, the engagement will definitely be off.† (pause) Or theyíll wind up married again.
Joey:† You know what we should do?† We should move all of their stuff out of their apartment.
Courteney:† Why would you do that?
Joey:† As a prank.
Courteney:† Thatís totally mean.
Chandler:† You have obviously not hung out with us enough.
Phoebe:† Howíd we get into their apartment?
Monica:† Iíve got their spare key.†
Courteney:† But where would you put all their stuff?
Chandler:† I knew I hired you for a reason.†
Phoebe:† We can put it in my storage unit.
Joey:† You have a storage unit?
Phoebe:† Yeah.† I lived in it before I moved in with Monica.† Itís huge.† We could easily fit all their stuff.
Monica:† You told me that you were living with your friend Albino Bob.
Phoebe:† No, I lived in a box with Albino Bob.† I lived in the storage unit with Crazy Lady.
Chandler:† Crazy Lady?†
Phoebe:† Yeah, she was so crazy she didnít have a name.†
Joey:† Ah, Pheebs, why do you still have the unit?
Phoebe:† Duh, in case I ever need to move back in.† Itís tough getting storage units to rent in this city.†
Monica:† Ah, Pheebs, youíre living off a million dollar trust fund, I donít think youíll be moving back anytime soon.
Phoebe:† Yes, but if I didnít have the unit, we couldnít pull off this prank now could we?
HILTON HOTEL Ė LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA† (Ross and Rachel are entering their room)
Bellboy:† Hereís your room, the master suite.† Will there be anything else?
Ross:† Nope.† Thanks.† (Ross tips the bellboy and the bellboy leaves)
Rachel:† Can you believe this room?† Itís got everything.
Ross:† Iím definitely in the wrong field.† The University puts its professors up in roach motels.
Rachel:† Roach motels?
Ross:† Motel 6.†
Rachel:† What do you want to do?
Ross:† Did you see that big Jacuzzi tub in the master bath?
Ross:† Does that give you any ideas?
Rachel:† My Doctor Geller, was your initiation to the Mile High Club on the plane not enough for you?
Ross:† Or we could play Parcheesi.
Rachel:† Jacuzzi it is.†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT† (Chandler and Monica are in bed talking)
Chandler:† Funny thing, I was talking to Joey todayÖ.
Monica:† This ought to be good.
Monica:† Any time you talk to Joey I get worried.
Monica:† Because Joey is Joey and he brings out the smart ass in you.†
Chandler:† Anyway, I was talking to Joey about breastsÖ.
Monica:† As in chicken?
Chandler:† No, as in womenís breasts.
Monica:† This is about me isnít it?
Chandler (uncomfortable):† No.† No, of course not.†
Chandler:† Ok.† Ok. Joey said your boobs werenít real and I said they were.† (pause)† Theyíre real arenít they?
Monica:† Well, weíre about to have our first official fight as a married couple.† Yes, these are real, not that youíll be seeing them anytime soon.† And congratulations, youíve won the booby prize, you get to spend the night at Joeyís.† Now get out, Iím taking my breasts and going to sleep!
JOEYíS APARTMENT (Chandler knocks on the door. Joey answers it)
Joey:† You asked whether they were real or not didnít you?
Joey:† The couch is all yours.†
(Courteney emerges from Joeyís bedroom)
Courteney:† Joey who is it?† (sees Chandler)† Oh hey boss man, trouble with the missus?
Chandler:† My life story.†
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (The rest of the gang are moving Ross and Rachelís stuff out of there apartment)†
Joey:† Geez, Ross has so many friggin books about dinosaurs.
Phoebe:† Oh, hereís an interesting book.†
Monica:† What is it?
Phoebe:† The Kama Sutra.†
Chandler:† Ross and Rachel getting kinky.
Monica:† At least someone is getting some.
Joey (to Chandler):† Still pissed at you?
Chandler:† Letís just say that Iíll be sleeping at your place indefinitely.
Phoebe:† Do you think theyíre gonna be mad at us when they find out what weíve done?
Monica:† Mad?† Probably not.† Iím sure theyíll find it totally hilarious.
Monica:† Well be lucky if they donít have us arrested.
Joey (holding up a strange object):† What the hell is this?
Chandler:† I dunno.†
Phoebe:† Maybe itís some kind of sex toy.
Courteney:† I know sex toys and thatís not one.
Chandler:†† My secretary everybody.†
Joey:† But my girlfriend.†
Monica:† That thing is too huge to be a sex toy.†
Phoebe:† Maybe itís a dinosaur bone.† But then again, it could be Rachelís toy.
Chandler:† If thatís Rachelís toy, I married the wrong girl.†† (Monica glares at Chandler)† Ah, Joey I think Iím moving back in permanently.
HILTON HOTEL Ė LOS ANGELES (Rachel is at her meeting and Ross is hanging out by the pool reading Dinosaur Monthly.† A beautiful woman approaches Ross)
Woman:† Is this seat taken?
Ross:† Ah, no.
Woman:† Mind if I sit down?
Ross:† No, not at all.†
Woman:† What are you reading?
Ross:† Entertainment Weekly.†
Woman:† Can I see it?†† I think Iím in it this week.
Ross:† Sure.† (Hands her the magazine)
Woman:† This isnít Entertainment Weekly, itís (looks at the cover) Dinosaur Monthly.†
Ross:† I know.† I didnít want you to think I was a geek.
Woman:† I didnít, though I do now.
Ross:† Who are you?
Woman:† Iím Jennifer Aniston.†
Ross:† The one who married Brad Pitt?
Jennifer:† That would be me.
Ross:† Oh my God, I canít believe I didnít recognize you, Iím like your biggest fan.
Jennifer:† Sorry, Brad is my biggest fan.†
Ross:† Right, of course.† Then Iím your second biggest fan.
Jennifer:† Wrong again, my dad is my second biggest fan.†
Ross:† Ok, then Iím just a fan.† Man, youíre much prettier in person.† Bradís a lucky guy.†
Jennifer:† Speaking of Brad, here he comes.
Ross:† Brad is here?
Jennifer:† Brad, I want you to meet, Iím sorry I donít know your name.
Ross:† Iím Ross, Ross Geller.†
Brad:† Nice to meet you.† (seriously) Are you hitting on my wife?
Ross:† No, no, Iíd never hit on your wife.† Iím engaged to a beautiful woman.† Actually she kind of looks like Jennifer.††† What are you guys doing here?† Donít you live in Los Angeles?
Brad:†† Our place is being fumigated so weíre staying here for the night.†
Jennifer:† Say, what are you and your fiancťe doing tonight?
Ross:† Ah, nothing.
Jennifer:† So youíll join us for dinner?†
Brad:† Yeah, itís where you sit down at a table, eat some food, and have a conversation.
Ross:† Dinner would be great.†
Jennifer:† What room are you in?
Ross:† Weíre in the master suite.
Jennifer:† Which one?
Ross:† The one with the big Jacuzzi and his and hers shower.†
Brad:† Yeah, I know, weíre staying in one too.
Jennifer:† Which number?
Ross:† I donít know.†
Jennifer:† Fine, weíll call the front desk to find out.† So does seven sound good to you?
Ross:† Sounds fine to me, but Iíll have to check with Rachel.
Brad:† Donít wear the pants in your relationship?
Ross:† Not really.
Brad:† Me neither.†††††††
HILTON HOTEL Ė LOS ANGELES (Rachel and Ross are getting ready for dinner)
Rachel:† And this woman just asked us, you and I, if we wanted to have dinner with them?
Ross:† I told you honey, it Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.† Theyíre not just anyone, theyíre celebrities.
Rachel:† And Brad and Jennifer want to have dinner with us?
Ross:† What can I say, they liked me.†
Rachel:† And you were reading Dinosaur Monthly?
Ross:† Yeah.† So?
Rachel:† Ross, only geeks read Dinosaur Monthly.
Ross:† So youíre saying Iím a geek?† (Rachel looks at Ross)† Ok, so Iím a geek.† But at least Iím marrying a woman who is prettier than Jennifer Aniston.
Rachel:† Thatís the sweetest thing youíve ever said to me.† (puts her arms around Ross)† Letís forget about dinner, and go straight to dessert.†
(knock on the door, Ross answers it. Itís Jennifer and Brad)
Ross:† Hey, come on in.
Jennifer:† Are you guys ready?
Rachel:† Oh my God, itís Brad Pitt!
Ross (to Jennifer):† Sheís a huge fan of his.†
Jennifer:† Apparently, her jaw is on the floor.†
Brad:† Hi, you must be Rachel.
Rachel:† Uh huh.
Brad:† This is my wife Jennifer.
Rachel (shakes Jenniferís hand):† Uh huh.
Ross:† Sweetie you can talk, they donít bite.†
Rachel:† Uh huh.
Brad:† Shall we go?
Rachel:† Uh huh.
Jennifer (to Ross):† Are you sure sheís not an invalid?†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica has locked the bedroom door.† Chandler is trying to get her to open it)
Chandler:† Monica, please open the door.† I donít want to sleep at Joeyís.† Courteney is there and they make all kinds of noises.† All they do is have sex.†
Monica:†† At least somebody is!
Chandler:† Iím sorry Monica.† I love your breasts the way they are.†
Monica:† Like your ever gonna see them again.†
Chandler:† Then Iím never gonna show you Mr. Big again!
Monica:† Donít flatter yourself, Iíve had bigger.†
(From the bedroom, a low humming, vibrating sound comes through the door)†
Chandler:† I canít compete with that.