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Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.






Kim:   Listen, I need you to fly to Los Angeles tomorrow to meet with some designers on Friday morning.  Is that going to be a problem?


Rachel:  No, no problem.


Kim:  I got you an extra ticket too.  Take Ross and have some fun while you’re there, make a weekend out of it. 




Joey:  You know what we should do?  We should move all of their stuff out of their apartment.


Courteney:  Why would you do that?


Joey:  As a prank.




Chandler:  Ok.  Ok. Joey said your boobs weren’t real and I said they were.  (pause)  They’re real aren’t they?


Monica:  Well, we’re about to have our first official fight as a married couple.  Yes, these are real, not that you’ll be seeing them anytime soon.  And congratulations, you’ve won the booby prize, you get to spend the night at Joey’s.  Now get out, I’m taking my breasts and going to sleep!


HILTON HOTEL – LOS ANGELES (Rachel and Ross are getting ready for dinner)


Rachel:  And this woman just asked us, you and I, if we wanted to have dinner with them?


Ross:  I told you honey, it Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.  They’re not just anyone, they’re celebrities.


Rachel:  And Brad and Jennifer want to have dinner with us?


(knock on the door, Ross answers it. It’s Jennifer and Brad)


Ross:  Hey, come on in.


Jennifer:  Are you guys ready?


Rachel:  Oh my God, it’s Brad Pitt!




CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Courteney are present)


Phoebe (to Chandler):  So Monica is still making you sleep at Joey’s?


Chandler:  Yeah.  I really don’t see what I did wrong.  So I asked her if her boobs were real or fake, big deal. 


Courteney:  You are an idiot.


Chandler:  And you’re fired. 


Joey:  Yeah, I agree with Chandler, what’s the big deal?   They’re only breasts.


Courteney:  Well then how come you’ve never asked me if mine are real or not?


Joey:  ‘Cause I know.


Courteney:  And how do you know?


Joey:  ‘Cause I know.  You can tell when they’re fake and when they’re real.


Phoebe (to Chandler):  And you’re too stupid to know the difference?


Chandler:  Apparently. 


Courteney:  Joey, are mine real or not?


Chandler: Don’t answer that Joey.


Joey:  They’re real.


Courteney:  You’re wrong, they’re fake. 


Joey:  No they’re not.


Courteney:  Ok no, they’re real.  Look Chandler, you don’t ask your wife if her boobs are real or not.  It’s insulting.  You should love her for who she is, not whether her boobs are real or not.


Phoebe:  I totally agree.  When I had mine done, I didn’t tell anybody.


Chandler:  Yours are fake?


Phoebe:  Totally. Like with the life I’ve had I’d be blessed with a great chest.  I had them done ten years ago.


SOMEWHERE IN LOS ANGELES (Ross, Rachel, Jennifer and Brad are at dinner)


Jennifer:  Let me get this straight, Ross had a crush on you for ten years and didn’t do anything about it?


Rachel:  That’s right. 


Brad:  Way to be aggressive Ross.


Ross:  Look, it’s not that simple.  Rachel was this totally popular girl in high school.  She was the head cheerleader, I mean she was at the top of the pyramid.  Me, I was just a geek who played in the band.  And, and, I was a year older. 


Rachel:  Honey, you still are a geek. 


Brad:  I still don’t see why you didn’t go for it Ross.  Hell, I was a geek in high school.


Rachel:  Excuse me you, you were a geek?


Brad:  I was in the drama club and I had braces.


Rachel:  That could make you a geek.


Jennifer:  I certainly wasn’t miss popular either. 


Ross:  Now that I don’t believe, you’re a beautiful woman. I mean wow!


Jennifer:  A teenager with like 30 piercings in my ears and out of control hair.


Brad:  So you finally got Rachel to go out with you and then you blew it?


Ross:  Yeah.  I blew it big time. 


Jennifer:  But it sounds like you were on a break to me.  Yeah, you shouldn’t have slept with someone three hours after breaking up, but we all make mistakes. 


Ross:  That’s what I thought, (Notices Rachel is glaring at him) but then I realized that I was wrong. 


Brad:  What do you think Rachel?


Rachel:  I was pissed at Ross for a long time, but I forgave him.  I realized we were meant to be together.  Yeah, we’ve had our problems since we got back together….


Jennifer:  Like Ross kissing a naked woman and you kissing a co-worker….


Rachel:  Exactly, but we’ve both learned that we have to work through our problems if we want our relationship to work.


Ross:  And with me in the equation there are going to be plenty of problems.


Brad:  That’s a statement all guys can make. 


CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica is reading on the couch.  Chandler enters.  Monica sees Chandler and gets up to go to their bedroom)


Chandler:  Mon, sooner or later we’re gonna have to talk about this. 


Monica:  Later sounds good to me.  (Shuts the door to the bedroom)


Chandler (outside the bedroom door):  Monica, Monica please open the door. (pause) Mon, look I’m sorry.  I was insensitive and no normal married guy would ever ask his wife if her boobs were real.  It’s just that you didn’t marry a normal guy.  I love you just the way you are and I’m sorry.  You’re the world to me and without you in it I’d be nothing.  I already feel like I’m nothing.  Anyway, I’ll be at Joey’s.  (Chandler leaves)


(cut to Monica who is sitting on their bed crying)


HILTON HOTEL – LOS ANGELES (The couples are returning from dinner)


Ross:  Thanks for paying for dinner. 


Brad:  No big deal.  You can buy next time.


Ross:  Next time?


Rachel:  When they come to New York to visit. 


Ross:  They’re coming to New York?


Jennifer:  For your wedding. 


Ross:  You’re, you’re coming to our wedding?


Rachel:  Yes, I invited them. 


Ross:  Rachel!


Rachel:  What?


Ross:  They’re celebrities.  You don’t invite celebrities to your wedding. 


Jennifer:  Why not?  We’re normal people too.  But if you prefer, we won’t come. 


Ross:  No, no not at all. Please come, we’d be honored.  I just thought that this sort of thing happens to you guys all the time.


Jennifer:  What that we meet a nice couple with whom we have a lot in common with?


Ross:  You like us?


Rachel:  Jennifer excuse Ross, he doesn’t make new friends easily. 


Brad:  Well we’ve had a great time, we’ll see you guys in New York in a few of months.


Jennifer:  Rachel, if you remember, please send those designs we talked about. 


Rachel:  Will do.  Bye guys. 


Ross:  See you later. 


(Brad and Jennifer go their own way)


Rachel:  The guys aren’t going to believe us when we tell them who we had dinner with. 


Ross:  I can’t believe I met Jennifer Aniston, she’s so hot.  (pause)  But not as hot as you.


JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey, Courteney, and Chandler are hanging out.)


Courteney:  So you tried to talk to Monica but she wouldn’t talk to you?


Chandler:  Yeah.  I don’t know what to do.


Joey:  Get a divorce. 


Courteney:  Joey!


Joey:  Just trying to help.  Well it always works for Ross.


(Monica enters silently)


Chandler:  I’m not getting a divorce.  I love her. 


Monica:  I love you too. 


Chandler:  Monica!  (gets up and hugs Monica)


Monica:  We need to talk.


Chandler:  I’m right behind you. 


(Chandler and Monica leave)


Joey:  You know we need to do?


Courteney (sexily):  No, but knowing you it’s dirty. 


Joey:   You’re right.  The duck needs a bath. 


CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)


Joey:  So you guys made up?


Chandler:  Am I still staying at your apartment?


Joey:  No.  Look, did you make up or not?


Monica:  We made up. 


Phoebe:  Don’t Ross and Rachel get back this afternoon?


Monica:  Yeah.


Chandler:  Are you guys ready to serve your jail time?


Phoebe:  Piece of cake for me.  I’ve done jail time before.  Though Chandler, you better hire Joey to be your protector or you’ll leave with a new boyfriend.


Joey:  I still don’t see why we would go to jail.


Monica:  Ah, does your stupid idea to rob their apartment ring any bells in your empty head?


Joey:  We’re gonna go to jail for that?  That was just a prank.


ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (The place is empty.  Ross and Rachel are in the hall)


Rachel:  Those guys are never gonna believe that Brad Pitt is coming to our wedding!


Ross:  Hey, don’t forget about Jennifer!  She’s only the hottest actress there is today!


(Ross and Rachel enter)


Rachel:  Oh my God!  We’ve been robbed!  Call the police! Call the police!


Ross:  How?  There’s no phone!


Rachel:  Use your cell! Use your cell!


Ross:  Stop repeating yourself, you’re making me nervous! Crap!  The battery is gone!


Rachel:  To Monica’s!  To Monica’s!  (Realizes she’s repeating herself again)  Sorry!


CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)


Phoebe:  I wonder if it will be Gary who arrests us. 


Chandler:  We’re not gonna get arrested.  Ross and Rachel wouldn’t turn us in. 


Monica:  And here I thought you knew my brother. 


Joey:  I still don’t see what the big deal is, so we moved their stuff out of their apartment and put it into a storage unit.    It’s not like we can’t put it back.


Phoebe:  What the hell was that?


Monica:  What was what?


(Ross and Rachel come flying in)


Phoebe:  That.


Rachel (out of breath):  Our apartment, our apartment, everything’s gone!


Ross:  We’ve been robbed!


Chandler:  What? 


Ross:  Our stuff, it’s all gone!


Monica:  Oh no!


Phoebe:  Did you call the police?


Joey (to Phoebe) What are you telling them to do that for?!


Phoebe:  Shut up Joey!  Did you call the police?


Ross:  With what?  We don’t have a phone anymore!


(Courteney enters)


Courteney:  Hey guys, how was your trip?  (Ross and Rachel just stare blankly at her)  What’s going on?


Joey:  Courteney, Ross and Rachel’s apartment was robbed!


Courteney:  No way!


Rachel:  They took everything!  The only thing we found was a beef jerky wrapper!  I can’t believe this! 


Ross:  They took all of my dinosaur bones! 


Rachel:  They even took the T-Rex bone that Ross gave me for our six-month back together anniversary.


Joey:  That was a bone?  (to Chandler)  I told you it wasn’t a sex toy. 


(Chandler, Monica, Phoebe and Courteney look away from Joey)


Ross:  What?  What did you just say?


Joey (back pedaling):  Nothing.  I said nothing. 


Rachel:  Wait a minute.  Wait a minute!  You guys did this! You guys took our stuff! 


Monica:  No we didn’t.  Joey must have just seen Rachel’s T-Rex bone when he visited. 


Chandler:  Exactly, why would we steal your stuff?  I mean come on, Phoebe’s an ex-felon.  Do you think she wants to go back to jail?


Rachel:  Courteney?


Courteney:  Don’t ask me, I’m just Joey’s girlfriend. 


Ross:  Fine, I’m calling the police.  (Ross picks up the phone and starts dialing.  Everyone else, but not Rachel, looks at him in a panic)  Hello?  (pause)  Yeah, our apartment was burglarized.  Can you send someone out to investigate?  (pause) No everything’s gone. (pause)  We did find a beef jerky wrapper.  (pause- Cut to Joey who is now very nervous)  You can do DNA testing on it?  (pause)  And you can whether it’s a male or female?  (pause)  And what nationality?  (pause)  Great.  We’ll see you in ten minutes.  (pause)  Oh the address, yeah it’s 2349 Barker Apartment 33.  (Ross hangs up the phone)


Rachel:  So the police are coming?


Ross:  Yeah they’ll be here in ten minutes.  They said it’s a good thing we found that beef jerky wrapper.  Apparently they can tell who the person is just by running some tests on it.


Joey:  Stop! Stop!  Fine!  We did it!  We stole your stuff and put it in a storage unit uptown!  Call the police back and tell them false alarm!


Ross:  It’s too late Joey.  You guys are all going to jail tonight. 


Monica:  You’d turn in your own sister?


Ross:  Especially my sister.  You got Dad’s Porsche after all.  


Monica:  Do you want it?  Here, take the keys.


Phoebe:  I think it will be fun back in jail.  Oh, maybe crazy Gracie is still there.  We had such a blast the last time I was in the slammer.


Chandler:  My defense is that they made me do it!


Courteney:  Well, I think I’ll be going.  You guys have fun in jail. 


Rachel:  Hold it missy, don’t think Ross and I are that stupid.  We know that they made you participate.  You may think your Patty Hearst and all saying that they brainwashed you into participating, but you’re still busted. 


Ross:  Well now that you’ve all confessed, I guess I better call the police now.


Joey:  You didn’t call the police yet?


Ross:  No, but I made you sing like a lady. 


Monica:  Gimme the keys back to my Porsche!


Rachel:  Not until we get our stuff back!  This is the meanest prank you guys have ever pulled!


Chandler:  Thank Joey, it was his idea. 


Phoebe:  Don’t forget me!  Without my storage unit, we never would have been able to pull it off.


Courteney:  Ross, Rachel, just so you know, I told them not to do it.  But they made me go along with the plan. 


Rachel:  Don’t worry about it Courteney.  You stick around long enough, you’ll get what’s coming to ya. 


Ross:  Shall we go get our stuff back?


Joey:  I’ll call for the truck. 


CENTRAL PERK (That night.  Everyone is present including Courteney)


Rachel:  All I can say is that you guys are lucky that nothing was missing. 


Ross:  My dinosaur bone collection is very expensive, you guys would have never been able to afford to replace it. 


Joey:  Ross who would want to steal your dinosaur bone collection?


Phoebe:  I would.  I think they’re cool. 


Ross:   Thank you Phoebe. 


Phoebe:  I could use them as logs for my fire. 


Chandler:  Well I think you guys are being cool about this whole prank business.  If it were me, I’d be a little more pissed.


Rachel:  Aw come on, how can I stay pissed at my future brother-in-law?


Monica:  That’s right, we’ll all be related by marriage soon. 


(Four policemen enter)


Courteney:  The cops are here.  What did you do this time Joey?


Joey:  I started dating you. 


Cop #1:  Excuse me, we’re looking for Chandler and Monica Bing, Joey Tribbiani, Phoebe Buffay, and Courteney Cox.


Chandler:  That would be us. (pointing to those named) Can we help you officer?


Cop#2:  Chandler Bing, Monica Bing, Joey Tribbiani, Phoebe Buffay and Courteney Cox, you all have the right to remain silent, anything you say or do may be held against you in a court of law….(officer continues to read rights)


Monica (to Ross):  You’re having us arrested?  How could you?


Ross:  Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.


Rachel:  Don’t worry, I hear Johnnie Cochran is available.




CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Rachel are sitting on the couch laughing)


Rachel:  You realize this isn’t going to be as funny as it is right now once they figure out that those guys aren’t real cops. 


Ross:  They all started it.  Did you see their faces?  They didn’t know what hit them.


Rachel:  I thought Chandler was going to start peeing his pants right then and there. 


Ross:  You know what’s scary?  Phoebe seemed excited about going to jail.


Rachel:  Poor Courteney, she probably thinks we are a sadistic group of friends. 


(Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Courteney enter)


Ross:  Oh did you make bail?