THE ONE WITH RACHELíS CHOICE
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Chandler, Ross and Rachel are present)
Rachel: What time is it?
Monica: Itís 8:30.
Rachel: Crap, Iím gonna be late for work again.
Ross: Arenít you the boss?
Ross: So technically youíre the only one who can punish you for being late.
Rachel: True. But thatís not the point. I have to set a good example for my employees.
Chandler: How exactly do you do that?
Rachel: By showing up on time.
Chandler: Ah, you see I know nothing about that. Iíve never been on time. Thatís why I know nothing about setting a good example at work.
Monica: Honey, the only thing you set a good example for your employees is how to screw off all the time and still get paid.
Chandler: Well youíve got to be good at something.
VICTORIAíS SECRET (Rachel is in her office. Her boss, Katie enters)
Katie: Hello Rachel.
Rachel: Hi Katie, whatís up?
Katie: You were late again this morning.
Rachel: I know. Iím sorry. I had a hard time getting my stepson off to school.
Katie: I really donít care.
Rachel (taken aback): Oh.
Katie: No, I mean I donít care that you were late. I just got here myself.
Rachel: Then howíd you know I was late?
Katie: Your secretary Kathleen is really a kiss-ass. She ratted you out.
Rachel: She did?
Katie: Yeah. Look, I need you to go to Miami for a week.
Rachel: For what?
Katie: Weíre opening a brand new store and I need someone from upper management to go supervise the opening.
Rachel: But Iím only in middle management.
Katie: Not if you pull off this opening.
Rachel: What are you saying?
Katie: Pull off the opening and youíll be our newest Executive Vice President in charge of the entire Retail Division.
Rachel: Thereís just one problem.
Katie: Which is?
Rachel: Iím seven months pregnant. I have a hard enough time making it through the day here.
Katie: Itís up to you. You can take the assignment or Iíll have Marisa do it. Iím asking you first Ďcause I think youíre ready for the challenge. If you pass, youíll stay where youíre at and Iíll go external to fill the position. Itís your choice. Let me know by tomorrow morning.
CHANDLERíS OFFICE (Chandler is working. Bill, his boss comes in)
Chandler: Hello Mr. Haughney. What can I do for you on this fine day?
Bill: You can pack your desk and get out of here in one hour.
Chandler: Thatís a good one sir.
Bill: Iíve been saving it up just for you.
Chandler: Youíre not serious are you?
Bill: No. I just came to say good job on motivating your employees. Youíre division was number 1 this past month. Keep up the good work.
Chandler: Ah Bill, my division analyzes all the statistical data from the field. How can we be number 1, weíre the only division that does what we do.
Bill: Ok, youíre ruining my day here Bing. I come to tell you that you and your employees did great work and you inform me that youíre the only division in this huge company that does statistical analyses.
Chandler: I didnít mean to offend you Bill. I guess I was just wondering why you were singling us out this month?
Bill: Because youíre the only division under my control that actually got there work done on time.
Chandler: Oh, well thank you sir. My employees will appreciate your comments.
Bill: Forget the comments, you all got yourselves a big raise. Itís up to you to divide the raises as you see fit.
Chandler: But thatís what you do Bill.
Bill: Well Iím gonna be dead someday and I figured this was a good time to show you how hard being a manager can be. Weíre giving you a compensation pool of $130,000 to divide amongst your thirty employees. You can divide it up any way youíd like. Youíve got till the end of the week. Alright, my tee time is in 45 minutes, I gotta go.
Bill: Yes Bing?
Bill: You already got the raise Bing, thereís no need to kiss my ass now.
JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Ross are present)
Phoebe: Whenís Rachel due?
Ross: May 2.
Monica: Wow, thatís right around her birthday.
Joey: Whenís her birthday?
Ross: May 5.
Joey: How selfish can she get? She gets a new baby and her birthday in the same week. (Everyone just stares at Joey) Not that thereís anything wrong with that.
Ross: We better go Mon.
Phoebe: Where are you guys going?
Monica: To sell my Dadís Porsche.
Joey: Youíre getting rid of the Porsche?! You canít do that! I love that car!
Monica: Well itís not getting much use and Chandler and I could really use the money.
Joey: How much are you selling it for?
Joey: Iíll take it.
Phoebe: Do you have $15,000 stashed some where that I donít know about?
Joey: No. But since youíre my wife and all, I figured you give me the money.
Phoebe: Ha! Iím not giving you a dime. We donít need another car, we have my grandmotherís cab.
Joey: But youíre my wife, youíre supposed to buy me things.
Phoebe: No, my only duties are to have sex with you and do your laundry.
Ross: You do his laundry?
Phoebe: Yeah, doesnít Rachel do yours?
Ross: Yeah right, I do our laundry.
Phoebe: See Joey, youíve got it made in the shade.
Joey: I donít want shade, I want the Porsche!
Monica: Letís go Ross. Weíve got to get to the car lot.
Joey: Wait! Iíll get you the money by the end of the day.
Phoebe: How are you gonna do that?
Joey: Iíll think of something.
Monica: Fine, youíve got Ďtil the end of the day. Letís go Ross.
Joey: Where are you going?
Monica: I already told you. Weíre going to the car lot.
Joey: But you just told me that youíd give me until the end of the day!
Monica: I know, but I also know that thereís no way you can come up with the money. Iím just getting a head start on selling the car.
Joey: Ross! Do something! (Ross starts dancing erratically as Joey, Phoebe and Monica look on shocked) Thatís just great, I ask him to do something and he acts like an epileptic on mind altering drugs.
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Rachel are present)
Chandler: I had the weirdest day at work today.
Rachel: Is that because you actually went to work for once?
Chandler: That was a good one.
Chandler: No, my boss gave my staff and myself raises. I just have to figure out what to give each employee.
Rachel: I know what you mean. I had a weird day too. My boss said that if I fly to Miami for a store opening and it goes well, that sheíd promote me to Executive Vice President of the Retail Division.
Chandler: Thatís nothing like my dilemma. (pause) Thatís way better than my dilemma. Congratulations!
Rachel: I donít know if I want the promotion.
Chandler: Why not?
Rachel: Because it would require a lot of traveling.
Chandler: So? Whatís the problem with that?
Rachel: Iím seven months pregnant with my first child.
Rachel: You know, I should probably talk to Monica or Ross about this. Itís obvious that you donít understand my dilemma.
Chandler: Your dilemma is pretty simple Rach. Youíre pregnant with your first child and youíre doing great at work. The babyís gonna be here in two months and youíre not sure if you want to be traveling all the time when youíve got a kid at home. Thatís why youíre unsure if you should take the promotion or not.
Rachel: I guess you do understand. Iím sorry Chandler.
Chandler: No biggie. I can act like a grown-up occasionally.
Rachel: Is that what you were doing? Stop it, youíre scaring me.
JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe are present)
Joey: Iíll buy all the groceries for one year.
Joey: Iíll, Iíll do the laundry for a year too.
Phoebe: No. Iím not giving you the money for the car. Thatís final.
Joey: Fine. Iíll be back.
Phoebe: Where are you going?
Joey: To ask a true friend for a loan.
Phoebe: Oh, thatíll definitely work.
Joey: You think?
Phoebe: Totally, he loves you. Heíll do anything for you.
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Rachel are present)
Rachel: So why donít you just divide the money up equally amongst your staff.
Chandler: I would but I donít think that would be fair. Some people on my staff do more than others.
Rachel: So youíre pretty much not giving yourself a raise.
Chandler: I do plenty down there.
Rachel: Why donít you ask for some help?
Chandler: Because then Bill would figure out that Iíve lost complete control of my staff.
Joey: There you are. Iíve been looking everywhere for you.
Chandler: Let me guess. You looked in the hall, my apartment and here.
Joey: Yeah. Thatís pretty much everywhere donít you think?
Chandler: What do you need Joe?
Joey: I need you to repay my loan.
Chandler: Joey, you owe me a billion dollars.
Joey: Then I need an advance on my next loan.
Chandler: How much do you need? $500?
Joey: No, $15,000.
Chandler: What?! In Godís name, what do you need $15,000 for?
Joey: I wanna buy Monicaís Porsche.
Chandler: Then go get a traditional car loan. I donít have $15,000 to give you.
Rachel: Monicaís selling the Porsche?
Joey: Yeah. She says Chandler and Monica need the money.
Chandler: We do. Weíre hoping to buy a house.
Rachel: She wants $15,000 for it?
Rachel: Iíll see you guys later.
Joey: Where are you going?
Rachel: To see a car saleswoman.
Joey: Oh. See you later.
Chandler: You do realize that sheís going to talk to Monica donít you?
Joey: Damn it! (running out of Central Perk) Thatís my Porsche you sneaky little tramp!
CAR LOT (Ross and Monica are present. Theyíre talking to the salesman)
Monica: You mean to tell me that you get 33% of the sales proceeds if I place the car on your lot?
Salesman: Thatís right. Look lady, I donít do this for free.
Ross: Mon, come here for a minute.
Ross: This guy is trying to rip you off. I think you should just sell it yourself.
Monica: You know what, Iím gonna sell this Porsche my self. I donít need your help. This car will sell itself.
Salesman: Suit yourself. But I can guarantee you that youíll have your money by the end of the day. It could take weeks for you to sell this car.
Ross: Itís a Porsche. Everyone wants a Porsche. A blind man could sell this car.
Salesman: Hey, donít make blind jokes. My best salesman is legally blind.
Ross: Oops, sorry about that.
Salesman: Itís ok, he didnít hear you either. Heís also deaf.
Ross: The Pinball Wizard works for you?
(Joey and Rachel approach)
Joey/Rachel: I want the car!
Joey: Itís mine! I wanted it first.
Rachel: But you donít have any money.
Joey: And you do?
Rachel: Iíve got car loan papers right here.
Joey: Damn it!
Monica: Look, Iím not selling the car to either of you.
Joey/Rachel: Why not?
Monica: Because you (pointing to Rachel) donít have a license and you (pointing to Joey) donít have the money.
Rachel: But I was gonna buy it for Rossís birthday.
Ross: Honey, itís only March, my birthday isnít until December.
Rachel: Well I was gonna get you an early present, but if you donít want it, then Iíll just buy it for myself.
Joey: No way, sheís just trying to buy it for herself. I have a much better reason for you to sell me the car.
Monica: Oh, and whatís that?
Joey: Iím a daytime television star, I need a hot car to arrive at the set in.
Ross: Thatís right Joey. Thatís why you have the money to buy the car, because youíre a daytime television star.
Joey: Are you an idiot? I already told you that I donít have the money right now.
Monica: Look, weíll settle this later. I wonít sell the car until tomorrow. You both have until then.
Joey: Thatís not fair! I canít raise $15,000 overnight.
Rachel: Then you might as well let me buy it now.
Joey: Not so fast sister, Iíll get the money.
Ross: What are you gonna do? Become a gigolo?
Joey: I donít need to dance to earn money.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are present)
Rachel: I need to talk to you about something.
Ross: Youíre not gonna change my mind Rach, I just donít think buying Monicaís Porsche is a good idea.
Rachel: Thatís not what Iím talking about. My boss wants me to go to Miami for a week for a store opening.
Ross: So? Thatís fine with me. Spring break is next week and Iíd love to go to Florida for the week with you. I could hang out on the beach while you do your thing.
Rachel: Ok, one, youíre not coming if I got to Florida; and two, if I go, Katie will promote me to Executive Vice President of the Retail Division.
Ross: What do you mean I donít get to go? (pause) Theyíre going to promote you if you go?
Rachel: Yes, theyíre going to promote me.
Ross: Thatís great Rach! Iím so excited for you. With the extra money we could finally buy a house in Scarsdale.
Rachel: I donít know if I want the promotion.
Ross: What? Why not?
Rachel: Because in two months our baby girl is gonna be here and I donít know if I want to continue to work after the babyís born.
Ross: But if you donít work, weíll be in this apartment forever.
Rachel: So what youíre saying is that youíd rather have a nanny raise our child.
Ross: No, Iím saying that Iíll stay home with baby.
Rachel: Youíre just trying to get out of having to work.
Ross: Who do you think I am? Chandler?
Rachel: Iím sorry, I didnít mean to insult you like that. (pause) So youíd really quit teaching to stay at home with Alexa?
Ross: Yeah, itíd be fun. I missed out on a lot of moments with Ben when he was young. Iíd think itíd be great if I was there all the time.
Rachel: Would you be mad if I decided to stay home?
Ross: No. Iíd be okay with that too. Look, why donít we sleep on it and weíll talk about it tomorrow.
Rachel: But I have to give my answer to Katie tomorrow.
Ross: Then what do you want to do?
Rachel: I wanna, I wanna, I donít know. Can I sleep on it?
Ross: Yeah honey, sleep on it. Whatever you decide, Iíll support you.
CHANDLERíS OFFICE (Chandler has gathered his staff in his office)
Chandler: Well Iíve got some great news.
Co-worker #1: Weíre all fired?
Chandler: No. But close.
Co-worker #2: Bill fired you?
Chandler: Ok, enough with the comic relief. Bill has given me $130,000 bonus pool to divide amongst my employees. Bring in the wheel Candace. (a big wheel with different dollar amounts on it). You each get one spin on the wheel. The most you can get is $10,000 and the least you can get is $1,000.
Co-worker #3: What if the total amount doesnít add up to $130,000?
Chandler: Then the rest of the money is mine.
Co-worker #4: Thatís totally unfair! You could wind up with $100,000. Iíd rather quit then take this insult.
Chandler: What do you think I should do?
Co-worker #5: You should divide up the money equally. Everyone should get the same amount.
Co-worker #6: But thatís not fair either. I do a lot more work than you do. You sit around and make fun of Chandler all day.
Chandler: You do that Mike?
Mike (co-worker #5): No.
Co-worker #6: You do too.
Chandler: Ok. Iíll see you after this meeting. Any other ideas?
Candace: How about we draw from a hat?
Co-worker #7: Weíre not picking teams Candace, weíre talking about money here.
Chandler: Ok, Iíve decided what to do. You are each to write a short paragraph telling me why you deserve a specific amount of money. From there Iíll decide who gets what. You guys are dismissed. Oh, and one other thing, there weíll be no ass kissing reasons allowed either.
Co-worker #2: Man, this really stinks. I donít know how to write.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are eating breakfast)
Ross: So have you decided?
Rachel: No. I was up all night.
Ross: Oh, I thought you were up because of being uncomfortable being pregnant and all.
Rachel: You knew I was up and you didnít bother to ask if I was alright?
Ross: UhÖ.thereís nothing I can really say to smooth this one over is there?
Rachel: Itís ok. Iíve got to get to the office and let Katie know my decision.
Ross: What are you gonna do?
Rachel: Iíll call you later to let you know.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica is present. She emerges from the bathroom in a towel as Joey and Phoebe enter)
Joey: Hey Mon!
Monica (nearly dropping her towel): DonĎt you ever knock?
Phoebe: Nice boob Mon.
Monica: (Monica looks down to find her boob showing) Oops. What are you doing here Joey?
Joey: I thought Iíd come over and catch the show. It was well worth it.
Monica (mad): What do you want Joe?
Joey: I want the Porsche.
Monica: Do you have the money?
Phoebe: He doesnít have it yet, but it does all the things on this list by noon, he will.
Monica: What are you talking about?
Joey: Phoebe made a list of things for me to do to earn the money. If I complete them by noon, sheíll give me the $15,000. Will you hold the car until then?
Joey: Great. Phoebe give me the list.
Phoebe: Here you go. Thereís five things on there that you have to do by noon and Monica and I have to witness each act.
Joey: I have to kiss Gunther wearing a dress! No way, Iím not doing this. She can keep the car.
Phoebe: Thatís all youíre worried about? Look at #3.
Joey: I have to parade down 5th Avenue nude? Iíll get arrested.
Phoebe: If you want the car, you better get started.
(The following is a montage of scenes of Joey acting out each of the things on the list. The first is Joey, wearing a red dress, walking into Central Perk, grabbing Gunther and kissing Gunther on the lips. Surprisingly, Gunther liked it and tries to kiss Joey some more Ďcausing Joey to deck him. The second scene has Joey selling condoms to the hookers on 42nd Street dressed up as a condom. The third scene has Joey sprinting down 5th Avenue in his birthday suit. Heís being chased by New York Cityís finest. The fourth scene has Joey singing Ave Maria at the top of lungs in Central Park.)
JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Joey, Monica and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: Ok Joey, this is the last thing.
Joey: I canít do it.
Monica: Come on Joe, theyĎre harmless.
Joey: You donít understand, theyíre gonna give me nightmares.
Phoebe: YouĎve obviously never tripped acid before.
Monica: Phoebe! Youíve done acid?
Phoebe: Not in this lifetime. When I was alive in the fifties, yeah, I died overdosing on acid. It was horrible.
Monica: Are you ready Joey?
Joey: I canít do it.
Monica: I guess Iíll sell the car to Rachel then.
Joey: Ok, Iíll do it. Itís just for three minutes right?
Phoebe: Yup. Three minutes. Ready?
Joey: Ready. (Joey places his head in an empty fish tank with the bottom partially cut out- this idea is obviously stolen from Fear Factor so I think you can understand how this looks).
Monica: Here we go! (Monica pours a slew of spiders into the tank) Set the timer Phoebe!
CHANDLERíS OFFICE (Chandler has thirty short essays on his desk)
Chandler (VO): Thereís no way Iím reading all of these. (over the intercom) Candace, could you please gather my staff.
Candace (over the intercom): Youíre done already?
Chandler (over the intercom): Yes, now please have the staff report to my office.
(cut to a short while later)
Chandler: Ok, hereís the deal. Each one of you is getting a $10,000 bonus. The money will be in your next paycheck.
Co-worker #9: You didnít read any of those paragraphs did you?
Chandler: I read them all. And for those of you who tried to kiss my ass, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Now does anyone have a problem?
Chandler: Fine. Now get the heck out of my office, Iíve got work to do.
(The staff all leaves - in the hallway)
Co-worker #9: Thereís no way he read mine.
Co-worker #8: Why not?
Co-worker #9: íCause I wrote that he was a closeted gay man parading as a heterosexual.
Co-worker #8: No way! Thatís what I put too.
VICTORIAíS SECRET (Rachel is in her office as her boss Katie enters)
Katie: Do you have a decision for me Rachel?
Rachel: Yes Katie. Iím gonna pass on Miami.
Katie: Ok. Can I ask a question?
Rachel: Because Iím gonna be going on maternity leave shortly and truthfully, I donít know if Iíll be coming back. I donít want to be one of those Momís whoĎs daughter is raised by a nanny.
Katie: I understand. What would you say if I told you that we have daycare here in this building?
Rachel: Do we?
Katie: Of course. This is a company founded by a woman and run by women. Weíve got everything here that women want, daycare, free parking, free lingerie. Weíve got it all. So do you still not want to go to Miami?
Rachel: When do I leave?
Katie: Sunday night. The grand opening is next Wednesday. Oh and one other thingÖ..
Katie: Welcome to upper management. Youíre our newest Executive Vice President.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joeyís present)
Ross (to Rachel): Did you tell them?
Rachel: Not yet.
Monica: Tell us what?
Rachel: Iím the newest Executive Vice President at Victoriaís Secret!
All: Congrats, yeah, yippieÖ.etc.
Chandler: Oh and Monica, I got a $20,000 bonus coming in my next paycheck.
Monica: Sweet! Combine that with the $15,000 I got from Joey for the Porsche, weíve got a pretty chump of change for a down payment on a house.
Rachel: You sold the Porsche to Joey?
Monica: Yeah, Iím sorry Rach.
Rachel: Itís ok. Ross didnít want me to buy it.
(Joey enters, all tattered and torn)
Chandler: What the hell happened to you?
Joey: I totaled the Porsche!
Monica: Are you ok?
Joey: Iím fine, but I totaled the Porsche!
Ross: Well thatís what car insurance is for. At least youíll get your money back.
Joey: Whatís car insurance?