THE ONE WITH RACHEL'S DAD
Written by: email@example.com
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Rachel and Joey are present)
Joey: So Rach, how are you enjoying your time off?
Rachel: It's not bad. I wish I were at work though. How do you do this Joey?
Joey: Do what?
Rachel: You know, just sit around all day while we're all at work.
Joey: Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, you have so much to learn. I just don't sit around. I do stuff.
Rachel: Like what?
Joey: You know, just stuff. I can't tell you more than that.
Rachel: Come on Joey, I won't say anything.
Joey: Fine. Three days a week I go down St. Michael's for noon mass.
Rachel: Joey, that's nothing to be ashamed about, I think that's great.
Joey: You didn't let me finish. I go to noon mass and then I go to their soup kitchen.
Rachel: To help feed the homeless?
Joey: Feed the homeless, who would do that? I go for the free food.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are present. Rachel is on the phone)
Rachel: Ok. (pause) But I really can come see you, you don't have to come all the way into the city. (pause) Ok, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye Daddy. (to Ross) Well my dad is coming to see me tomorrow.
Ross: What's wrong with that?
Rachel: Nothing. He just said there was something he really needed to talk to me about.
Ross: Any idea what it might be?
Rachel: He wouldn't tell me.
Ross: What time is he coming?
Rachel: At 1pm.
Ross: Thank God.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Ross: I meant damn, I'll be at work. Tell your Dad I said hi.
Rachel: Ross, my Dad doesn't hate you.
Ross: I know. He just referred to me as Dr. Cheater, Dr. Wethead, and Dr. Big Tipper the last time I saw him.
Rachel (sexily): Well at least I know that you are in fact Dr. Big Tipper.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are present)
Monica: Come on Phoebe, who is your new boyfriend?
Phoebe: I told you, I am not telling you guys.
Chandler: Do we know him?
Monica: Lets see, it isn't Duncan, Ross, Joey, Gary orÖ.come on Phoebe, who is it?
Phoebe: I'm not telling.
Chandler: Is he gay?
Monica: What kind of question is that?!
Chandler: Come on, it's Phoebe. She's always falling for gay guys.
Phoebe: That's true. But no, he's not gay. Well I have to go.
Monica: Where are you going, to meet your new boyfriend?
Phoebe: Maybe. Bye. (Phoebe leaves)
Monica (to Chandler): We have to find out who's she seeing.
Chandler: Why? If she doesn't want us to know, she doesn't want us to know.
Monica: I don't care what you think. Grab you coat. We're following her until we find out who it is.
Chandler: I'm not going. (Monica stares at Chandler) Ok, I'll get my coat.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Phoebe are present)
Joey: What did you tell them this time?
Phoebe: I didn't tell them anything.
Joey: I don't see why we have to sneak around.
Phoebe: It's more fun this way. Monica hates not knowing everything.
Joey: So how long do I have to pretend to be your boyfriend?
Phoebe: Until I meet somebody else.
Joey: Well how long is that going to take? I have got a reputation to hold up you know.
Phoebe: Oh, you can cheat on me if you want.
Phoebe: Sure, it's not like anybody is going to know that you're my secret boyfriend.
Joey: Man, I should've started dating you years ago.
(Chandler and Monica enter)
Chandler: Hey Joe, Pheebs.
Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing here? I thought you said you were meeting your new boyfriend.
Phoebe: I did.
Joey: Yeah she did.
Monica (to Joey): You met him?
Joey: Sure, Joey meets and approves of all Phoebe's boyfriends before she goes out with them.
Joey: Well at least the ones I meet first.
Chandler: So you know this guy?
Joey: Sure, I set them up.
Monica: So who is he?
Joey: Sorry, can't tell you that.
Chandler: Why not?
Joey: 'Cause I promised Phoebe I wouldn't.
Phoebe: That's right. It's a secret.
Monica: But Joey knows!
Joey: That's because Joey is special.
Chandler: We're finding that out more and more each day.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel is sitting on the couch reading. There's a knock at the door. Rachel answers the door. It's Dr. Green)
Dr. Green: Hey sweet pea!
Rachel: Daddy! It's so good to see you.
Dr. Green: Where's Dr. Wethead?
Rachel: Dad! He's at work. He had a class to teach.
Dr. Green: So is this a two-bedroom apartment?
Rachel (unsure where her Dad is going with this): Yeah.
Dr. Green: So show me your room.
Rachel: Ross and I's room is right there.
Dr. Green: Ross and I's?
Rachel: Daddy, you know Ross and I are living together.
Dr. Green: Sure, but in the same room?
Rachel: Where else would I stay?
Dr. Green: How about in the other bedroom?
Rachel: Ok, let's talk about something else. Why are you here?
Dr. Green: What, your Dad canít come see his little girl?
Rachel: That's not what I meant. What did you have to talk to me about?
Dr. Green: Oh that. (very serious) I don't want you marrying Ross.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are sitting at the table. Chandler is reading the paper and Monica is eating)
Monica: I don't think Phoebe has a new boyfriend.
Chandler (who wasn't paying attention): That's nice honey.
Monica: Are you listening to me?
Chandler: That's nice honey.
Chandler (who nearly fell out of his chair): What did you do that for?
Monica: You weren't listening to me.
Chandler: I was too.
Monica: Then what was I talking about?
Chandler: You don't think we should have Bishop Tutu officiate our wedding. Ok, I wasn't paying attention. What is it?
Monica: Nothing. (Gets up and walks to their bedroom)
Chandler (going after Monica): Come on Mon, I'm sorry. I was just caught up in this article about lesbians.
Monica (emerging from their bedroom): I said I don't think Phoebe has a boyfriend.
Chandler: Do you think she's a lesbian?
Chandler: Sorry, this article is just really cool. Why don't you think she has a boyfriend?
Monica: Because it's a friend of Joey's.
Monica: Well all of Joey's friends are womanizers.
Chandler: I am friend of Joey's and so is Ross.
Monica: Ok. Almost all of Joey's friends are womanizers and there's no way Phoebe would go out with any of them.
Chandler: Wait a minute, besides Ross and I, Joey doesn't have many guy friends.
Monica: That's right. Then Phoebe and Joey must be lying.
Chandler: Maybe they're doing it.
Monica: There's only one way to find out.
Chandler: We're gonna walk in on them? I donít want to see that!
Monica: No, we're gonna set a trap for them.
Chandler: And then we're gonna walk in them doing it?
Monica: Would you shut up! We're gonna invite Phoebe and her new boyfriend out to dinner.
Chandler: That makes more sense.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel is stunned by her Dad's pronouncement)
Rachel: What did you say?
Dr. Green: I don't want you marrying Ross. Are you ready to go to lunch?
Dr. Green: Are you ready to go to lunch? I'm starving.
Rachel: Weíre not going anywhere. I am too marrying Ross, I love him.
Dr. Green: If you marry Ross, you're out of the family will.
Dr. Green: Am I not making myself clear or do you have wax build up in your ear?
Rachel: You can't tell me what to do Daddy, I'm not a child. And what do you mean I'm out of the family will?
Dr. Green: Just that, marry Ross and you're out of the family will.
Rachel: I don't believe this. Mom doesn't have a problem with Ross, she loves him like a son.
Dr. Green: It doesn't matter what your Mother thinks, I am the head of the family and what I say goes.
Rachel: Get out!
Dr. Green: Excuse me?
Rachel: Get out! I don't want to see you and I don't want your stupid money.
Dr. Green (at the door): Look Rachel, I am only doing what is best for you. Ross cheated on you once and he'll do it again. And besides, he's not even a real doctor. At least Barry was a real doctor. You should reconsider marrying Barry.
Rachel: Get out! (slams the door shut and sits on the couch and cries)
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and Monica are present - Phoebe is in the bathroom)
Joey: Man, that girl is hot.
Chandler: Where? (looks at Monica, who has a disapproving look) There she is. (goes to kiss Monica who turns away)
Monica: Oh Phoebe, Chandler and I wanted to invite you and your boyfriend out to dinner.
Phoebe: Oh, that would be so much fun. When?
Monica: How about tonight?
Phoebe: I dunno. I'll have to check with him.
Joey: Can I come?
Joey: Why not?
Monica: Because you'd be the third wheel.
Joey (to Chandler): She's mean.
Chandler: Tell me about it.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel is asleep on the couch, Ross walks in from work)
Ross: Hey Rach, I'm home. (sees Rachel is sleeping and goes and sits on the couch and brushes his hand through her hair)
Rachel (awakening): Hi sweetie. How was your day?
Ross: It was good. How was yours?
Rachel: We're not getting married.
Ross: That's nice. (pause) What?
Rachel: I can't marry you.
Ross: What? Why not?
Rachel: It's just too soon.
Ross: What? It was fine this morning.
Rachel: I just can't do this right now. Can we talk about this later?
Rachel: Well you're going to have to wait. (gets up and walks away from Ross)
Ross: Is this because of your visit with your Dad?
(Rachel stops, turns around and breaks down in tears)
Rachel: My Daddy hates you and doesn't want me to marry you.
(Ross walks over to her and takes her in his arms)
Ross: Rach, it doesn't matter what your Dad thinks. All that matters is how you feel. If he can't handle that, well then tough.
Rachel: You don't understand. If I marry you, I'm out of the family will.
Ross: So you're not gonna marry me because you won't get any money?
Ross: Then what's the problem?
Rachel: I just want my Daddy to love you as much as I do.
Ross: You can't force that. To tell you the truth Rach, I think your Dad is an arrogant ass. I'm never gonna be able to please that man.
Rachel: You hate my Dad?
Ross: No, I didn't say that. I just think he's an ass.
Rachel: You can hate him if you want, I do.
Ross: Don't say that. You'll always be his little girl.
Rachel: Ross, he's not here. You don't have to kiss his ass.
A RESTAURANT (Monica and Chandler are waiting for Phoebe and her boyfriend)
Monica: Where are they?
Chandler: Relax Monica, they'll be here.
Monica: They're late.
Chandler: Phoebe's always late. Drink some wine, smoke if you got 'em.
(Phoebe walks in and sits down)
Phoebe: Hey guys!
Monica: Ah Phoebe, where's your boyfriend?
Phoebe: Oh him, yeah, we broke up, so he's not coming. Is the food good here?
Chandler: Why'd you break up?
Phoebe: He cheated on me. Oh hey there's Joey. Joey, over here.
Monica (to Chandler): Something's going on.
Chandler: Yeah, it's called dinner. Hey Joe.
(Joey sits down)
Monica: Joey what are you doing here?
Joey: Nice to see you too Monica. Phoebe called and said she broke up with boyfriend and needed a dinner date. I had to cancel my date with that hot girl from the coffeehouse.
Chandler: The one from today? (Monica looks at Chandler) So Joey's your date?
Phoebe: Yeah, Joey's my date. I didn't want to be a third wheel.
Monica: Well you should have called and told us that your boyfriend wasn't coming. We would have canceled dinner.
Phoebe: I tried to call, but you weren't there.
Monica: Did you leave a message?
Phoebe: Of course I did.
Monica: No you didnít. I checked for messages before you got here, there was no message from you.
Phoebe: I must have called after you checked.
Monica: Joey, what time did Phoebe call you?
Joey: She didn't.
Monica: But you said she did.
Chandler: She's got you there Joe.
Joey: Who are you, Johnnie Cochran?
Phoebe: Arlight! Enough of the third degree. Joey's my boyfriend. There I said it.
Monica: I knew it!
Joey: Knew what?
Monica: You're doing Phoebe!
Joey: Doing what to Phoebe?
Monica: Never mind. You're dating Phoebe!
Joey: Duh, she just said that. (to Chandler) What did she know?
IN FRONT OF DR. GREEN'S HOUSE (Ross and Rachel are present)
Ross: We don't have to do this Rach.
Rachel: Yes, yes we do. He's not going to try to run my life anymore.
Ross: Whatever you want sweetie, I am here for you. Are you ready?
Rachel: Yup, let's get this over with. (Rachel knocks on the door)
Dr. Green: Rachel, Dr. Wethead, what are you doing here? Come on in. (They enter)
Ross: Dr. Green, good to see you again.
Rachel: Dad, I am here to say one thing to you.
Dr. Green: What is it?
Rachel: I am going to marry Ross. I don't care what you think. I don't care if you hate Ross. I love him and he makes me happy.
Dr. Green: Fine. Would you guys care for a drink?
Dr. Green: Do you want a drink? You know, I really think you should get your ears checked honey.
Rachel: What happened to you not wanting me to marry Ross?
Dr. Green: I still don't, but if he makes you happy, then I'm happy. It doesn't matter what I think.
Rachel: That's right it doesn't. Are you ready to go Ross?
Ross: Whenever you are honey.
Dr. Green: You're going?
Ross: Yes, we have dinner plans.
Dr. Green: Cancel them. We're going to dinner. If that's alright with you guys?
Ross: Fine with me.
Dr. Green: Alright, let me grab my coat. (Dr. Green leaves)
Ross: Well that didn't go too badly.
Rachel: I just don't understand him. One minute he hates everything about you and the next he's taking us to dinner.
(Dr. Green returns)
Dr. Green: Ok. You kids ready? Oh and Dr. Big Tipper, don't add any money to my tip this time.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch watching TV, Phoebe enters)
Monica: Where's Joey?
Chandler: Shouldn't you have an idea where your boyfriend is?
Phoebe: Oh right. Yeah, he's out with that hot girl from the coffeehouse.
Phoebe (to Chandler): Did I not make myself clear? You have to stop banging her head against the headboard.
Monica: Phoebe, Joey's cheating on you and you don't care?
Phoebe: No, not really. Oh, he told me to come by later and make a sandwich with them. He said it'll be fun.
Chandler: Joey is my hero. (Monica glares at Chandler) I said Joey makes a mean hero. Ok, stop talking.