Written by:


Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are returning from their honeymoon)


Chandler:May I carry you over the threshold?






Monica:Just kidding.(Monica jumps into Chandlerís arms)Make sure you take me straight to the bedroom.


Chandler:Youíre really serious about this baby thing arenít you?


Monica:I just like practicing.


Chandler:Sounds good to me.


(Chandler opens the door and enters with Monica.Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast at the table)


Ross:Welcome back guys.


(Chandler and Monica ignore Ross and continue to the bedroom and shut the door.The door immediately opens and Chandler and Monica emerge)


Chandler/Monica:What are you guys doing here?


Rachel:Eating breakfast.


Phoebe:Yeah, donít mind us.Go have sex.Weíll talk to you later.


Ross:Say in two minutes?It is Chandler after all.




CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Continued from before)


Chandler:Ah, how did you guys get in here?And why are you eating all of our food?


Rachel:My key and you guys should have left us more food.Youíre out of eggs and milk.


Monica:Donít you guys have places of your own?


Ross:Yeah, so?


Monica:So why arenít you there?


Phoebe:We always eat breakfast here.


Chandler:So you guys were here for breakfast each morning that we were gone?


Rachel:Pretty much.Well, Iím late for work.(to Ross)See you honey.


Ross:Bye.(to Monica)So how was the trip?


Monica:It was great.Paris is a beautiful city.Not that we spent much time out of our hotel room.


Ross:I just love it when my little sister talks that way about her love life.


Chandler:Whereís Joey?


Phoebe:Heís with Courteney.




Phoebe:Your secretary and my new roommate.


Monica:You got a new roommate?


Phoebe:Duh, I just said that.


Chandler:So Joeyís dating Courteney now?How are you with that Phoebe?


Phoebe:Why would it bother me?


Chandler:Well sheís your new girlfriend isnít she?


Phoebe:I am not a lesbian!


Monica:Chandler leave Pheebs alone, sheís obviously very sad that she converted another lesbian to heterosexuality.


Phoebe:Thank you Monica.(cut to Ross who is laughing hysterically)What?


CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica and Phoebe are sitting on the couch)


Chandler:So Joey really likes Courteney?


Phoebe:Yeah, theyíve been hanging out together since she moved in with me.


Monica:When did she move in?




Monica:Well today is Friday, so the relationship has almost run its course.


Phoebe:No, they havenít even slept together yet.


Chandler (to Monica):We go away for one week and everything changes.We are not allowed to travel anymore.


(Joey and Courteney enter)


Joey:Chandler!Chandlerís back!


Monica:Ah, what about me?


Joey:Oh, hey Monica.


Courteney:†† Hi boss.How was your trip?


Chandler:It was nice thank you.So you and Joey are an item now?


Courteney:Yeah, it appears that way.


Chandler:Why arenít you at the office?


Joey:Dude, Iím an actor, I donít have an office.


Chandler:I was talking to Courteney.




Courteney:Well you know, when the boss is away the mice will play.


Chandler (to Monica):I told you my new secretary understood my philosophy towards work.


ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross is grading papers at the table and talking to Rachel on the phone)


Ross:Sweetie, I really have to get these papers graded.(pause)They are important. (pause)I didnít say that I didnít care that you're bored.(pause- thereís a knock at the door)Rach, thereís someone at the door.Iíll talk to you later.Bye.(Ross hangs up the phone and answers the door.A gorgeous blond woman stands before him)Ah, can I help you?


Woman:I hope so.Iím looking for Rachel.You must be Ross.


Ross:Yeah, Iím Ross and you are?


Woman:Iím Rachelís sister.


Ross:Is that you Jill?


Woman:No.Iím Laura, the eldest sister.


Ross:The one with the fake boobs?


Laura:That would be me.


CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and Monica are present)


Chandler:Whereís Courteney?


Joey:She went into the office.




Joey:I don't know.What do you do when you actually go to work?


Chandler:I input numbers, manage people (notices they are all staring at him)Ö Ok I sleep.


Monica:It's amazing to me that you have never been fired from a job.


Phoebe:Though I feel his time is coming.


Chandler:Excuse me?


Phoebe:Oh, don't mind me.My psychic predictions are usually wrong.Remember when I said that Ross and Rachel would get back together and get engagedÖ.


Chandler:That's exactly what happened!


Phoebe:Oh. Then you're definitely gonna get fired.


ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (continued from earlier)


Laura:Is it ok if I come in?


Ross:I'm sorry, sure come on in.Can I get you anything?


Laura:Water would be great.


Ross:They did a nice job on your boobs by the way.Not that I was looking at them.Ah, but not that you're not bad to look at. I meanÖ ok where's Rachel?


Laura (laughing):Yes, I have nice boobs now.Apparently the natural boobs went to Jill and Rachel.Me, flat as a board.


Ross:How much did they cost?






Laura:No, for the pair.


Ross:Are they firm?


Laura:Do you want see for yourself?


Ross:I can't.


Laura:Why not?


Ross:Because youíre my fiancťe's sister.


Laura:Rachel won't mind.Come on, touch them.


Ross:I'd really rather not.


Laura:You know you want to touch them.


Ross:Ok, but just this once.(Ross touches Laura's boobs as Rachel enters)


Rachel:What the hell are you doing Ross?!


Ross:Uh oh!


Laura:Oh relax Rachel, he was just touching my boobs to get a feel for what fake ones feel like.


Rachel:Well that makes it so much better!So Ross, what do they feel like?


Ross (weakly):Firm?Definitely not as nice as yours sweetie.


Rachel:Ugh, I can't believe you.What is it with you and my sisters?


Ross:I don't know.


Laura:What happened with Jill?




Rachel:She just hit on Ross while I was present!What are you doing here Laura?!


Laura:I came to say hello and wish you guys congratulations on your engagement.But apparently I shouldn't have come.


Rachel:Did flashing your boobs around come as part of the package?


Laura:Come on Rachel, like I'd steal your fiancť from you.


Ross:Yeah Rach, she just came to say hi.


Rachel:Stay out of it Boob Man!


Laura:Look Rach, I just came here to wish you two luck and hoped to put some of the animosity between us behind us.I'll see you later.(Laura turns to go)


Rachel:Laura, wait.Stay for a while.At least stay for dinner.††


Ross:Who's cooking?


(Rachel and Laura look at Ross)


Ross:Apparently I am.


CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler & Monica are sitting on the couch watching TV)


Chandler:I am gonna lose my job.I don't believe this, they're going to fire me.I've worked for that company for over ten years.


Monica:Would you relax, they're not gonna fire you.


Chandler:But Phoebe said my time is up.


Monica:Phoebe also predicted that King Kong's long lost cousin would demolish New York City last Christmas.Did that happen?


Chandler:But she's been right before.She predicted that Ross and Rachel would get back together and eventually get married.


Monica:Hell, we all predicted that.


Chandler:That's true.


(phone rings - Monica answers it)


Monica:Hello.(pause)Sure hold on a minute.(to Chandler)It's your boss.


Chandler:Hey Doug.(pause)Yeah I had a good trip.(pause)Ok, I'll see you in the morning.Bye.(Chandler hangs up the phone).


Monica:What was that about?


Chandler:The higher ups need to see me first thing tomorrow morning.They're restructuring my division.


Monica:And that's bad?


Chandler:Yeah, it's the code word for layoffs.Phoebe's right, I'm gonna lose my job.


CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Phoebe are present)


Phoebe:Where's Courteney Joey?


Joey:She said she wasn't feeling well.


Phoebe:You really like her don't you?


Joey:Yeah I do.But not as much as I like you.


Phoebe:Do you want some coffee?


Joey:Sure, black.


(Rachel, Ross and Laura enter)




Rachel:Hey Joey.I want you to meet my sister Laura.


Joey:How you doin?


Laura:Are you always this charming?


(Phoebe returns with coffee)


Phoebe:He's only this charming when he has a serious girlfriend.Right Joey?


Joey (embarrassed):Yeah, right.


Laura:That's too bad.I was hoping you could walk me back to my hotel tonight.Oh well, maybe Ross will.


Ross:I'd be happy to.(Ross realizes that Rachel is glaring at him)But I can't.


(Chandler and Monica enter)



Chandler (to Laura) :Ok, I know everyone here but you.Who are you and why are your breasts so huge?




Laura:I'm Laura, Rachel's older sister.


Chandler:Well it's nice to meet all of you.


Monica:Wow Laura, I haven't seen you sinceÖ.


Laura:Since I got my breasts enlarged?


Monica:You could say that.How are you?


Laura:I'm good.Wow, you lost a lot of weight!You look almost anorexic.Wait that didn't come out right.You, you look great.


Monica:Well thank you.


Rachel:Anyway, Laura, Ross and I are going to the movies.Anybody want to come?


Phoebe:What are you seeing?




Phoebe:Count me out, I'm a vegetarian.(everyone looks at Phoebe oddly)Well I heard that Hannibal eats his victims in the movie, that's like eating meat.


Chandler:Do you want to go Monica?


Monica:No, we have to do that thing we talked about.


Chandler:What thing?(Monica looks at Chandler sexily)Oh, that thing.


Joey:I'll go.(to Phoebe)So he really eats his victims?






Laura:Great, Joey can be my date.Are we ready?


(Rachel, Joey, Laura and Ross leave)††


Phoebe (to Monica):What thing are you guys gonna be doing?I wanna participate.


Monica:You can't Pheebs, it's kind of for two people only.


Chandler:Well not necessarily.




Phoebe:Oh I get it, you're gonna have sex.No, I don't want to participate in that, imagine the nightmares.


MOVIE THEATER(Joey is sitting next to Laura and Ross is next to Rachel.Rachel and Ross are snuggled together while Laura keeps trying to seduce Joey.Laura continually moves her hand up Joey's thigh, only to be rebuffed by Joey.Laura finally makes a bold move and kisses Joey).


Joey:What the hell was that!


Laura:What do you mean?You kissed me!


Joey:I did not!


Crowd:Shut up!


Rachel:Would you guys knock it off!


Joey:Your sister is trying to seduce me!


Crowd:Shut up!


Joey:See, her blouse is unbuttoned!My god, those things are huge!


Laura:He unbuttoned my blouse!My boobs are about to fall out!


(manager enters theater)


Manager:You four, out.


Rachel:I'm sorry, but we don't know those two.


Ross:Yeah they're complete strangers.


Manager:Save it ma'am.Let's go, all four of you.


(Joey, Laura, Rachel and Ross get up and leave)


CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT(Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are present)


Monica:Don't you have to be somewhere Phoebe?


Phoebe:Ah, no.


Chandler:Aren't you tired?


Phoebe:Actually I am, I think I'll take a nap.Can I use the spare bedroom?


Monica: Don't you want to go home and sleep on your own bed?


Phoebe:No, it's too far of a walk.


Monica:It's right down the street.


Phoebe:Look, if you guys wanna have sex, go have sex.I don't mind. It's not like I haven't heard you doing it before.(mimicking Monica)"Give it to me good Mr. Bing. Give me the big bing".


Monica:Ok, now I am officially embarrassed.


(knock on the door, Monica answers it)


Monica:Courteney, what brings you here?


Phoebe:Hey Courteney!


Courteney:Hi.Have you guys seen Joey?


Chandler:Yeah, he went to the movies with Ross and Rachel and Laura.


Courteney:Who's Laura?


Phoebe:Rachel's sister.




Monica:What's wrong?


Courteney:Nothing. Just tell Joey I stopped by to see him.


(Ross, Rachel, Laura and Joey enter)


Joey:I didn't kiss you!


Laura:Yes you did!And how did my blouse become magically unbuttoned?You just couldn't resist me could you!


Courteney:Joey, what's going on?


Laura:You're new boyfriend here made a pass at me.




Joey:She's totally lying.


Rachel (yelling):Enough!(everyone looks at Rachel)Joey, did you kiss my sister?


Joey:I didn't want to, she kissed me.


Rachel:Did you unbutton her shirt?




Rachel:Did you grope my sister in any way?




Rachel:There, case settled.(to Laura)Laura, you better go, you've caused enough trouble already.


Laura:Ross, will you walk me to my hotel?


Ross:You never give up do you?


Laura:It's the least my future brother-in-law could do, don't you think?


Rachel:Laura, go!


Laura:Fine.He's my hotel number if you change your mind Joey.


Courteney:Hello!I'm in the room!


Laura:Yes you are.Goodnight everyone.


(Laura leaves)


Ross:Ladies and gentlemen, the boob woman has left the building.


Rachel:Joey, please let me apologize for my sister's behavior.Ever since she got those breasts she thinks she's God's gift to men.


Chandler:Well large breasts have that power over men.(Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe glare at Chandler)Not that they affect me at all.


Monica:You can forget about our baby making plans tonight.


CHANDLERíS WORK (Chandler is just getting in.Courteney is waiting for him)


Courteney:Youíre late and I canít believe youíre making me work on a Saturday.Doug and two other people that Iíve never seen before are waiting for you in your office.


Chandler:I guess it was a bad idea to try to make a baby this morning.


Courteney:Youíre late because you had to have sex?


Chandler:Monica had to have sex.


Courteney:Oh.Get in there.Oh, and good luck.


Chandler:If you hear me crying, pack your desk, youíre probably out of job too.


(Chandler enters his office)


Chandler:Good morning, please pardon my tardiness, my wife wasnít feeling well.


Doug:Sick on your homemade salami again Bing?Donít answer that.This wonít take long.Heidi, go ahead, this is your meeting.


Heidi:Hi Chandler, Iím Heidi Ortmann.Iím with Human Resources.This is Bill Haughney, heís the Executive Vice President in charge of our Data Processing Division.The purpose of this meeting is to inform you that due toÖ.


Chandler:Iím fired arenít I?


Heidi:Excuse me?


Chandler:Youíre firing me because, because, well I donít know why, but youíre firing me.


Doug:Chandler, let Heidi finish.


Heidi:Actually Chandler weíre promoting you to Vice President/Eastern Division Manager of the Data Processing Department.


Chandler:But thatís Dougís job.


Doug:Not anymore Bing, as of today, I am the new Executive Vice President of the Fine Foods Division.Congratulations.(slaps Chandler on the behind)


Chandler:You guys are serious?


Bill:Very serious Mr. Bing, we need to keep good people like you at this company.Welcome to upper management.


Heidi:Your promotion is effective Monday.Iíll forward to you the details of your raise and stock options then.Oh, and youíre new office will be ready too.


Chandler:New office?


Doug:Welcome to the 36th floor.


Heidi:Have a great rest of the weekend.


(Doug, Heidi and Bill leave.Courteney enters)




Chandler:Pack your desk.


Courteney:They fired both of us? But I just got this job.


Chandler:Nope.Youíre looking at the new Vice President/Division Manager of the Data Processing department and weíre moving to the 36th floor.


Courteney:Congratulations!I canít believe Iím gonna work for an executive. (hugs Chandler)Can I go home now?


Chandler:Well your excitement was fun while it lasted.†††




CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe is singing)


Phoebe:††††††††††††††††††††††† They call me Boob Woman

††††††††††††††††††††††† I got new breasts

††††††††††††††††††††††† Now the guys like me best

††††††††††††††††††††††† Though theyíre not real

††††††††††††††††††††††† Wonít you cop a feel? †††††††††††