THE ONE WITH THE RECEIPT
Written by Michael J
Characters created by Marta Kauffman and David Crane
Scene:[Central Perk] Chandler, Monica, Joey and Phoebe are there. Chandler and Monica are seated on the couch. Joey is sitting at the table and Phoebe is sitting in the big chair.
Chandler: So Joe, how's the roommate search thing going? It's got to be tough finding someone who's willing to share a bathroom with a person who uses the toilet and doesn't flush, and a duck that can't use the toilet but flushes anyway.
Joey: (eyeing Phoebe and smiling) Oh you could say I have a hot one on the line.
Monica: (worried) Joey, please don't put yourself through that again. Remember that crazy bitch Janine. (pauses to reflect) God if I hadn't gotten that cramp I would have caught that Australian tramp and shown her a whole new meaning to the phrase, "shrimp on the barbie"!
Chandler: Monica you scared the hell out of her! She actually hurdled a Mazda Miata to get away from you! (pause) It was like watching a frightened gazelle running for its life from a hungry lion on the African plain. (pauses to think) And yet, strangely erotic.
Monica: (conceding) Well she was very athletic. I'll give her that.
Joey: Yea I will admit that was a mistake. But don't ever let it be said that Joey Tribbiani is not willing to give cohabitation with a pretty girl another try!
Chandler: (impressed) Wow, cohabitation. Sounds like you've given this a lot of thought. Are you sure you didn't get a cramp?
Monica: (looks over at Phoebe) Phoebe, you've been awfully quiet. What do you think about Joey shacking up with another mindless, blonde bimbo?
Phoebe: (is deep in thought and doesn't hear Monica) Let me ask you guys something. If I put my couch in the trunk of my cab do you think it would stick out too far?
(Chandler and Monica just look at each other)
Scene: [Ross and Rachel's apartment] Ross and Rachel are busy unpacking Rachel's things. There are piles of shoeboxes everywhere. They are about to open the closet door.
Ross: (opens the closet door) There you are.
(The closet is totally empty)
Rachel: (surprised) Ross there's nothing in here.
Ross: Yea I know.
Rachel: But Ross I don't need this much room for my clothes.
Ross: Oh no. (laughs) This closet is for your shoes. Now I've ordered six shoe trees and two giant bureaus for your clothes which I thought we would put over…(cut by Rachel)
Rachel…Ross honey, I don't have that many shoes!
Ross: (glances over at the piles of shoeboxes) Rachel, you're on a first name basis with every clerk in Lord & Taylor's ladies shoe department! I found out from a friend that they actually have a code for you that they announce over the intercom when you walk in the door.
Rachel: (smiles proudly) No kidding. They do?
Ross: Yea, "big green one to ladies shoes."
Rachel: Wow, now that you mention it that does sound familiar. But I had no idea. I mean, I figured it was either a code for getting change, or they were actually paging The Incredible Hulk, but I never got around to asking. (look of realization) Wait a minute! Who do you know that works in the ladies shoe department at Lord & Taylor's?
Ross: Oh, Jackie Wentworth. She's actually one of Chandler's friends.
Rachel: (recalling) Jackie Wentworth… Jackie Wentworth…oh yea I know Jackie. She has a brother who I met at Chandler's birthday party last year, I think his name was Jack.
Ross: No that was Jackie.
Rachel: (shocked and disgusted) Ewwww…no way! (pause as she thinks) Come to think of it, that does explain a lot. You know, she really should up her dosage of progesterone though. It's not really working on her facial hair!
Ross: (laughs and points to her shoe boxes) Well we'd better get back to work and find homes for all of these.
Rachel: But Ross where's your stuff?
Ross: Sweetie don't you worry about me. Between the coat closet, the broom closet and the oven broiler, I'll be fine. (pauses to think) But do let me know when you're going to use the oven. Leather doesn't have quite the same appealing odor when it's been heated for thirty minutes at four hundred degrees!
Rachel: Ross this is ridiculous. Go out there and get your things! There'll be plenty of room in here. Besides, I'm only bringing over group A.
Ross: (puzzled) Group A?
Rachel: Yea. I categorize my shoes by length of inactivity. See, every pair starts out in group A. If I haven't worn them in a month, they get transferred to group B. Now if I haven't worn them in six months, well then they get transferred to group C. (laughs) Believe me, if you're a shoe, you do not want to be in group C!
Ross: (impressed) No, I imagine I wouldn't. So how do you keep track of them all?
Rachel: (proudly) With these little colored stickers and a computer program that I have on my laptop at work. The program breaks them down by type, color, date of purchase and heel height.
Ross: (pauses for a moment as he looks at her with a smile) God you are adorable! (they hug) Speaking of heel height, does group A include…(cut by Rachel)
Rachel: (seductively) Honey, don't worry. I haven't forgotten your fondness for…elevated footwear. (pause) Now get out there and gather your things. I'm going to start putting some of this stuff away.
(They kiss and Ross leaves the room. Rachel looks around and spots the space under the bed. She gets down on her knees, reaches as far as she can and pulls out a box.)
Rachel: (loudly for Ross to hear in the next room) Honey what's in this blue box under your bed?
Ross: (V.O.) Oh it's probably some old archaeological research material from when I was with the museum. That stuff is ancient!
Rachel: (laughs and talks quietly to herself) Ha, so I guess that would make it fossilized fossil…stuff. (laughs again as she pulls out one of the reports and thumbs through it. Then she spots something interesting.)
Rachel: (to herself) What's this? Oooh a receipt from Cartiers. (pause) Yousa, look at the price of that…(she stops dead in her tracks when she sees what is on the receipt)…engagement ring? (she suddenly gets a serious look on her face) February 8th 1997! (she looks up with a blank expression and says softly) Oh my God!
[End of scene]
Scene: [Outside Central Perk] Chandler and Monica are about to go in when they notice Phoebe's cab parked at the curb with a big couch sticking out of the trunk.
Monica: Hey isn't that Phoebe's cab?
Chandler: You mean the one with the giant couch sticking out its ass?
Monica: (recalling) She did ask about that earlier. But I thought she was just being her quirky old self.
Chandler: Come on Monica, quirky Phoebe, normal Phoebe. (laughs) You're really splitting hairs here.
(they enter Central Perk and find Joey and Phoebe sitting on the couch unusually close to each other)
Chandler: Hey Phoebs, you have got to start putting some higher-octane gas in that cab of yours! It's halfway through a couch now and I thought I saw it eyeing the mailbox on the corner!
Phoebe: (excited) Oh hey I've got some great news for you guys! (turns and stands up) I'm moving out of my apartment.
Monica: (surprised) Phoebe that's great! But I thought you loved that place. (pause) Wait a minute, your lease doesn't expire until August. How did you get out of that?
Phoebe: Well my landlord kind of moved it up a bit when I told him that I would be hosting the weekly meetings of the local chapter of the G.A.L.M.T.O.A. (she pronounces it phonetically as galmtoa)
Chandler: (slight pause as he looks at the others) Ok…ok, I volunteer to step out on the thin ice of the East River! What in the hell is G.A.L.M.T.O.A.?
Phoebe: It's the Gay and Lesbian Massage Therapists of America.
Monica: (cringes) Ewe! You cannot be serious! Get out of here! I do not want to know what kind of massages they give.
Phoebe: (amazed) Wow, you know that's the exact same thing my landlord said.
Monica: So Phoebs, did you at least get your security deposit back?
Joey: (laughs) After what we did to the doorframe getting that couch out of there, I think you can pretty much kiss that baby goodbye.
Chandler: So why all the secrecy Phoebs? (look of realization) Unless you decided to join that commune where they only eat food out of picnic baskets and take really long naps. (pauses to think) What's it called…oh yea, the Order of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi Bear. (pause) Because I could see why you would want to keep that under your hat. Although you do look great in red plaid.
Monica: Phoebe I don't understand. Why do you want to move so badly?
Phoebe: Because I'm sick of living so far away. With all of the religious freaks on the subways these days, the term "mass transit" is taking on a whole new meaning. It wasn't so bad when all you had to deal with was the muggers and the pickpockets. And don't even get me started on the parking.
Joey: Yea, do you think it's easy finding parking for a car and a couch? Luckily they were just towing away another car so we got a pretty good spot but hey, you can't always count on the good fortune of others.
Monica: Misfortune Joey. You mean misfortune.
Joey: (puzzled) Miss Fortune? Who's she?
Chandler: Why Joey she's the lady that goes around the city making sure the tow-away zones are clear so you can park your couch!
Phoebe: Besides, I want to live closer to you guys. Sometimes I feel like I'm…you know, out of the loop.
Monica: Ohh…come here. (she gives Phoebe a hug) I completely understand sweetie. Sometimes we feel like you're kind of out of it too.
Chandler: So Phoebs, when you say closer do you mean somewhere in the neighborhood or just closer in our hearts? (puts his hand on his chest)
Joey: Oh she's moving close. Very very close. Very very very close. (pause) Very very…(cut by Chandler)
Chandler: (annoyed) Ok…ok we got it Captain Adverb!
Monica: (thinking) But I can't think of any vacancies in the immediate area. I mean besides Joey, there aren't any…(look of realization as she turns and points at Phoebe)…You're…You're the mindless blonde bimbo!
Phoebe: (upset) Hey I resent that! (smiles) I prefer leggy blonde bimbet.
Chandler: (look of realization) Ah…that explains the empty box of body massage lotion that I almost tripped over the other morning in the hall. Because I know Joey's always been more of a Canola oil sort of guy.
(at this point, Monica and Phoebe move off to one side and talk to each other)
Monica: (confused) So you and Joey…(pause) Joey and you…?
Phoebe: (laughs) Oh yea! It turns out that Joey Tribbiani has so much more to offer than you would think.
Monica: Really? (pauses to think) It can't be that much more.
(switch to guy's conversation)
Chandler: So you and Phoebe heh? (pause) So have you two…you know…done the dirty deed?
Joey: (nodding and smirking) Oh yea, you could say that Phoebs and I have… constipated the relationship.
Chandler: (looks at him strangely) Well that's not exactly the dirty deed I was looking for, but when it comes to constipation you kind of have to take what you can get! (pats Joey on the back) Congratulations man.
(switch to girl's conversation)
Monica: (amazed) four times…in one hour? (looks away) How is that possible?
Phoebe: (excitedly) not only that, but one time he dropped the remote (quick puzzled look from Monica) he leaned over off the bed to pick it up without actually…leaving the room…if you know what I mean!
Monica: (her mouth drops open) Holy cow! That is incredible! (pauses to think as she looks over at Chandler) Man, if Chandler tried something like that, I'd be sending out a search party…if you know what I mean!
(Chandler and Joey come over to where the girls are. Joey puts his arm around Phoebe)
Joey: So what do you guys think? Great news huh!
Monica: (smiles) Well I think it's wonderful news. You know, now that I see you two together like this, I can't believe we never saw the…(gives Chandler an uneasy look)…obvious attraction before. We're very happy for you both. (congratulations and hugs all around)
Chandler: So you guys need help extracting that couch from the hungry jaws of Phoebe's cab and getting it up stairs?
Joey: Oh no thanks buddy, we can handle it. (everyone makes their way out the door as he speaks quietly to Monica) Hey Monica, you busy?
[End of Scene]
Scene:(Ross and Rachel's apartment) Ross has his arms full of suits, shirts and other clothing which is piled high over the top of his head so he can't see where he's going as he enters the bedroom.
Ross: Sweetie could you grab some of these please. And remind me to switch dry cleaners. From where I'm standing, they're definitely not getting the job done! (no response) Rachel? (still no response. So Ross walks over towards the bed to lay down the clothes but trips over the blue box and falls on top of the bed with all of his clothes. When he pops up, he has a tie wrapped around his head and a pair of blue briefs in his mouth. He takes the briefs out of his mouth, looks at them, and throws them down in disgust wiping his tongue.
Ross: (concerned) Rach what's wrong?
(Rachel is sitting at the end of the bed looking down at the receipt in her hand)
Ross: Sweetie, what you got…(he recognizes the receipt in her hand)…oh no, where did you find that?
Rachel: (in a tormented and disheartened manner) It was in the blue box.
Ross: (angry with himself) Dammit, I thought I threw that out! My God how stupid could I…(cut by Rachel)
Rachel: (softly)…So when were you going to ask me?
Ross: What? Oh Rachel we don't have to…(cut by Rachel)
Rachel: (demanding)…Ross I have to know! (softly) I need to know.
Ross: But sweetheart, that's not important…(cut by Rachel)
Rachel: (starting to cry) Ross please!
Ross: (pauses to think) Rachel, I'm not going to lie to you! (pause) I couldn't do that. (Pause as he takes a breath and looks down) I was going to ask you on our anniversary.
(Rachel quickly puts her hands to her face in tears. There is a momentary silence)
Rachel: (crying) I was afraid you were going to say that. (she quickly gets to her feet and starts walking out)
Ross: Rachel wait!
(she makes her way out of the bedroom visibly sobbing. Ross runs after her and catches her before she gets to the door)
Rachel: (with her hand over her mouth trying to get away) Ross this is too much! I can't take this! (pause) Please let me go!
(Ross, who has a good grip on her arms, turns her around so she's facing him)
Ross: Rachel please don't do this! We can work this out. (pause) Remember, there's nothing we can't work through. (pause as he grabs her and pull her close) Let's not make that mistake again! (pause as he speaks quietly) Sweetie, there's way too much at stake this time!
(Ross has Rachel in his arms trying to comfort her. After a few seconds she does calm down a bit and Ross walks her over and sits her down on the couch)
Rachel: (still sobbing a little) I'm sorry. (sniffles as she fumbles with a tissue) You're right Ross. Our relationship is too precious. I don't know what I was thinking. (pause as she contemplates) It just seems sometimes like you're the only one who's ever really worked at our relationship you know… and contributed to it. And all I've ever done is just…just take up space.
Ross: (as he wipes her face with his hand) But honey, that's not true!
Rachel…and now to find out that not only have we missed out on being together all these years, (pause as she looks in his eyes) but we missed out on being together as husband and wife!
Ross: (smiles) Does that mean you would have said yes?
Rachel: (smiles sweetly back at him) Of course I would have said yes!
Ross: (get up and paces back and forth thinking) You know something sweetie, maybe it was a good thing we didn't get married then.
Rachel: (looks up with surprise) What?
Ross: I don't think we were ready for marriage at that point in our lives. (pause) I mean I was going through my irrational and selfdegradating jealousy stage and you were in the early development of your determined climb up the ladder of the fashion industry. Let's face it, we were both very busy with other things at the time.
Rachel: (laughs a little) You know, you may be right! (pause) So how long did you wait before you returned the ring?
(Ross looks down and doesn't say anything)
Rachel: (stands up) Ross, you did return the ring didn't you? (no reply as she puts her hands to her face with a look of realization) Oh my God, you kept it! You kept it all these years!
Ross: Sweetie, I couldn't bring myself to return it. It would have been kind of like letting go of everything we ever had and saying goodbye to it forever. (looks down) As long as I held on to that ring, I held on to the slightest hope that perhaps someday, we would find each other again.
Rachel: Oh Ross honey that is so sweet! (they embrace and kiss) So…do you have it here?
Ross: Well I've been keeping it in my dad's safety deposit box for most of the time but…(look of realization)…Why? Do you want to see it? (pause) You know, the day you set your beautiful eyes on that ring for the first time is the day I want you to have it…forever.
Rachel: (shyly looking down) Oh I was just, you know…curious.
Ross: Wait a minute. I think I have a catalog in the bedroom that has a picture of one very similar to it. Let me go get it.
Rachel: (excited) Oh Ross that would be wonderful! I would love to see what it looks like!
(Ross heads off into the bedroom while Rachel slowly walks over to the window and looks out. She looks over at Chandler and Monica's apartment and notices that the lights are off. She then looks up at the sky to see the orange-tinted clouds as the sun disappears over the horizon and the dim outline of a full moon coming up to take it's place. Strange and wonderful things can happen on the night of a full moon. Things that can not always be explained or reasoned, for logic does not play a part in the equation on an evening such as this, an evening where there are endless possibilities and destinations. Yes the night of a full moon is a night that can take you places you've never imagined existed. And for Rachel Green, it's a place where both dreams and reality coexist equally and yet with a clear distinction. Rachel is all too familiar with her dreams…she is about to confront her reality. She senses a presence behind her. She knows she must turn and face this presence, for embodied within it lies every schoolgirl dream, every teenage fantasy, every hope and desire she could possibly imagine. For Rachel, the journey has ended. She is about to meet her true destiny.
Ross: (V.O.) Rachel Karen Green…
(she turns around slowly to find Ross on one knee holding a small black box. She immediately gasps for a breath of air as she puts her hands to her face. A face reflecting expressions that can only be described as a combination of amazement and shock)
Ross…I kneel before you today an incomplete man. A man who has wandered through thirty-four years of life outwardly content but unfulfilled of soul. A man who knew not the true meaning and expression of beauty until his thirteenth year on this earth. For that was the year my life was given a direction and a purpose…and a meaning. It was the year that I first beheld the true wonder and possibility that life possessed…It was the year that I first laid eyes on you. And in the years since, though our lives may have taken different paths…we have always been together…in our hearts. (Rachel is visibly crying as he takes her hands) Rachel, that day you walked into the coffee shop in that wet wedding dress was the day my life truly began. It was the day that fate had delivered you to me, to fill that void in my heart…to complete my soul. So I kneel before you here today a humble man, awestruck by the incredible beauty of one of Gods greatest creations, to request that you would do me the honor of becoming my wife. For you are my one true love…you are my life. (Rachel is in tears as he opens the ring box) Rachel Green…will you marry me?
(while this has been going on, Chandler and Monica have just gotten home)
Chandler: I can't believe it! Phoebe's moving in with Joey. What a great combination, one who believes she can read peoples minds and the other who…well really doesn't have a mind to read! (pauses to think) Should be quite a challenge for both of them.
Monica: (excited) I know, isn't it great. I wonder if Ross and Rachel know. Look over and see if they're home. I want to give them a call.
(Chandler makes his way over to the window. As he looks over and sees Ross on his knees his eyes pop out)
Chandler: (shocked) Oh my God!
Monica: What's wrong? (makes her way over to the window) Is that pervert over there showing off his…(she spots Ross and Rachel and screams)…ahhhhhhhh! What…what…what are they doing?
Chandler: Well, I'm guessing that either Ross is proposing to Rachel, or that she has been holding out on us all these years and actually is the Queen of Long Island and we'll have to start calling your brother Sir Ross, Duke of Scarsdale!
(back over at Ross and Rachel's)
(Rachel stands in front of Ross with tears of joy streaming down her face. She feels her knees start to buckle and her hands start to tremble. With her legs incapable of supporting the weight of her body, she collapses to her knees while continuing to hold Ross hands. She finds herself overwhelmed with feelings and emotions but unable to express them, for words alone cannot convey the shear sense of exhilaration and euphoria that is running through every fiber of her being. Rachel knows there is but one word that she need search for now. One word that can declare her innermost desire, that will commit her to a life of complete contentment. A word that will change her life forever… that will make her the happiest woman on earth.
Rachel: (gazes lovingly into Ross eyes) Yes…Yes Ross, I would love to be your wife. (there is a slight pause as Ross, in his own slight state of shock from her reply, finds himself unable to react. Finally Rachel rises to her feet, followed quickly by Ross, and starts jumping up and down excitedly) Yes! Yes! Yes Ross I will marry you!
Ross: (as her reply finally registers in his mind he takes on a look of total elation) Yes? You said yes? You said yes? (picks her up and swings her around) She said yes! She said yes!
(meanwhile, Chandler and Monica are taking all this in from there apartment)
Monica: (puts her hands to her face as she sheds tears of happiness for her brother and her best friend) Oh my God!
Chandler: (puts his arms around Monica and speaks softly but assuredly) Looks like they finally did…find each other!
(shot looking in Ross and Rachel's apartment in a passionate and loving embrace as the camera slowly pans away from the window)
The End (Or…just the beginning)