Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Jenna, and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: You got fired again? What's the matter with you?
Joey: I just wanted to know what was going to happen to my character! I didn't think that it would get me fired.
Jenna: Joey, you called a co-star a skanky ass and accused her of sleeping with every man in New York City.
Joey: I was just telling the truth!
Phoebe: So what are you gonna do now?
Joey: I don't know. Estelle won't return my calls, and I've been blacklisted by all the soap operas filmed here in New York City. I guess I'll just return to what I was doing before I broke into soap opera acting.
Jenna: Which was?
Phoebe: Not working at all.
OPENING CREDITS
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Chandler are present)
Chandler: Monica kissed Cindy.
Ross: What?
Chandler: Monica just told me that she and Cindy kissed this afternoon.
Ross: Oh my God. What'd you do?
Chandler: What any man would do. I freaked out. Then I came over here because you're the only person I know that has experience in this arena.
Ross: I do?
Chandler: How'd you feel when Carol told you that she kissed Susan?
Ross: If that's what she would've told me, I would've been upset.
Chandler: What did she tell you?
Ross: She said I had sex with another woman and I'm leaving you for her. She basically skipped the kissing part and went straight for the good stuff.
Chandler: What am I gonna do? I can't face Monica now. I keep picturing her kissing Cindy.
Ross: Normally that would excite you.
Chandler: I know, that's the funny thing. Now that she says that it's happened, I don't want to be picturing it anymore.
Ross: Are you sure Cindy didn't just kiss Monica?
Chandler: How is that any different? They still kissed!
Ross: Well maybe Cindy caught Monica off guard. Maybe Monica didn't want it to happen.
Chandler: Huh, I never looked it at that way.
Ross: Of course what do I know? Carol told me she had sex with Susan and all I could ask was whether Susan was as good as me.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Rachel, Caitlin, Ben and Michael are present)
Rachel: So it didn't go very well.
Monica: No not at all. He called me a freaking lesbian and stormed out.
Rachel: Where'd he go?
Monica: To talk to Ross.
Rachel: That's not good.
Monica: Why not? It can't get any worse!
Rachel: Ross doesn’t know anything about fixing relationships, he has enough trouble with ours.
Monica: What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What if Ross tells Chandler that I've been converted to lesbianism?
Rachel: You're his sister, he won't tell Chandler that.
Monica: What's he gonna say to him then?
Rachel: Well it's not like you did what Carol did to Ross.
Monica: I did too, I kissed Cindy.
Rachel: I realize that, but Carol told Ross that she had sex with another woman and was leaving him. You didn't have sex with Cindy did you?
Monica: No!
Rachel: Then this is fixable.
Monica: Oh. I guess it's not that bad.
Rachel: But then again, this is Chandler that we're talking about. He'll be difficult to convince that it was an accident.
Monica: But it was!
Rachel: I know, I know. Look, we'll figure something out.
Monica: Ok.
Rachel: You know what you need?
Monica: A stiff drink?
Rachel: A shower. Why don't you and I go take a shower together? That'll calm you down.
Monica: I could use a shower. (pause) Wait a minute, you're not getting naked with me!
Rachel: I know, I was just making sure that you haven't converted to lesbianism.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Jenna and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: Maybe you should fire Estelle and get a new agent.
Joey: I can't do that, Estelle's been my agent for years.
Jenna: Joey, Phoebe's right. It's not like Estelle has called you and already found a new job for you.
Joey: But she's the best agent there is!
Phoebe: Joey, I love you and all, but getting you two soap opera acting gigs does not make Estelle a great agent.
Joey: Hey, she also got me two movie deals too.
Jenna: But Shutter Speed was never made and The Adventures of Larry The Lounge Lizard was a porno movie.
Joey: I could've done the porno movie you know.
Phoebe: Please, your mother would've killed you if she ever found that that you were in a porno movie.
Joey: I don't know about that. My Mom and Dad watch porno movies together all the time. It keeps their marriage interesting.
Jenna: Yeah, we should keep information like that to ourselves.
Phoebe: Look, call Jennifer or Brad and ask them who to use as an agent. I'm sure they'd be happy to help you.
Joey: Who are Jennifer and Brad?
Phoebe: Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt you moron, the Hollywood superstars that are friends of ours.
Joey: Oh, you mean Hot Jennifer. I could totally call her.
Jenna: Hot Jennifer?
Joey: Not as hot you honey.
Jenna: Well she is hotter than me, but still, I don't wanna hear what you think of her.
Joey: Ah Jenna, you'll always be #2 in my book.
Jenna: Don't you mean #1?
Joey: No, #1 is my Mom. There's no replacing my Mom.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Rachel, Caitlin, Ben and Michael are present)
Monica: Why hasn't Chandler come home yet?
Rachel: He's probably out blowing off some steam. Give him some time, he'll come around.
(Ben comes out of Michael's room)
Ben: Auntie Monica?
Monica: Yeah Ben?
Ben: Should Michael have pimples on him?
Monica: Pimples?
Ben: I don't know. They look like pimples. He got sick in his crib too.
(Monica and Rachel enter Michael's room)
Monica (picking up Michael): Uh oh.
Rachel: What? What is it?
Monica: It looks like he has the chicken pox. Has Ben had the chicken pox?
Rachel: I don’t know. (to Ben) Have you had the chicken pox sweetie?
Ben: I dunno. What's the chicken pox?
Rachel: I'd better take Caitlin and Ben home.
Monica: I'm so sorry.
Rachel: What for? It's not you knew that Michael was gonna get the chicken pox.
Monica: Yeah, but if I hadn't kissed Cindy, none of this would've happened.
Ben: Who's Cindy?
Rachel: Not now Ben. Let's go home.
(Rachel, Ben and Caitlin leave)
Monica: Let's get you into some new pajamas.
(As Monica changes Michael and the bedding in the crib, Chandler enters)
Chandler: Monica?
Monica: In Michael's room.
(Chandler goes into Michael's room)
Chandler: We need to talk. (notices Michael) My God! What did you do to him?
Monica: It looks like he's caught the chicken pox.
Chandler: Is there anything I could do?
Monica: No, I've got it handled.
Chandler: Ok.
Monica: Wait. Call Phoebe and tell her that I can't manage the restaurant tonight.
Chandler: I thought she was already doing that.
Monica: Is today the day of the reunion?
Chandler: Yeah. Or didn't your girlfriend tell you that?
Monica: She's not my girlfriend! It was a mistake!
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross is asleep on the couch as Rachel, Ben and Caitlin enter)
Rachel: Ross? Ross? (sees Ross asleep on the couch. She gets really close to him and then yells in his ear) Ross!
Ross (startled): What? What? Who's there?
Rachel: Hi honey.
Ross: For Pete's sake, do you have to do that every time I take a nap?
Rachel: Naps are for babies.
Ross: Where've you been?
Rachel: I was talking to Monica at her place.
Ross: Did Chandler show up?
Rachel: He wasn't there when I left. What did you say to him?
Ross: I told him that he should face the facts.
Rachel: What does that mean?
Ross: That Monica's a lesbian now and that's it best that he move on in his life.
Rachel: You told him that?! Have you completely lost your mind?!
Ross (laughing): Would you relax? I'm only kidding. I told him that Cindy probably caught Monica off guard and that she isn't likely to turn to the dark side.
Rachel: Being a lesbian does not mean that someone is evil.
Ross: I didn't say that. I merely said that she's not gonna turn to the dark side.
Rachel: Whatever, as long as you told Chandler that Monica was caught off guard, then that's fine with me. Anyway, Michael caught the chicken pox and Caitlin and Ben have been exposed.
Ross: Ben's already had the chicken pox.
Ben (emerging from his and Caitlin's bedroom): I have?
Ross: Yeah, you had it when you were 13 months old.
Rachel: He did? Why didn't I know that?
Ross: Does "we were on a break" sound familiar to you?
Rachel: Oh, it was during the dark times in the Geller-Green empire. Well Caitlin's been exposed, so get ready for her to have the chicken pox.
Ross: I guess we're not going to the reunion.
Rachel: Is that tonight?
Ross: Yeah. I reminded you about it just yesterday. You obviously weren't listening.
Rachel: Hey, in my defense, I don't listen to you 75% of the time, something was bound to get past me.
Ross: So we're not going?
Rachel: Don't be silly. I'll call for a sitter.
Ross: You haven't called for a sitter?!
Rachel: How was I supposed to know to call for a sitter if I didn't hear you tell me that your reunion was today?
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey is watching TV as Jenna enters with groceries)
Jenna: Hey.
Joey: Shut up.
Jenna: Excuse me?
Joey: Damn it!
Jenna: What is your problem?
Joey: I was trying to watch Saturday Night Fever.
Jenna: So?
Joey: I've been trying to figure out what in the hell the Bee Gees were singing in Night Fever when you came in and ruined my train of thought.
Jenna: Sorry, I didn't know. But if you really want to know, just go out and by the CD.
Joey: I'm gonna be out of a job in four months, I can't be spending money on CDs. (pause) What are CDs?
Jenna: Compact Disc recordings.
Joey: What?
Jenna: Never mind. Did you call Jennifer or Brad?
Joey: I sent Jennifer an email.
Jenna: What did you say?
Joey: I said I needed her help.
Jenna: Did she reply?
Joey: Yeah, her flight lands in six hours.
Jenna: She's flying to New York to help you find an agent?
Joey: I guess.
Jenna: What exactly did you say to her in your email?
Joey: I said I really needed her help and that it was an emergency.
Jenna: And because of that she's flying across country to help you? That's a little extreme don't you think?
Joey: Maybe.
Jenna: Wait, wait a minute. What else did you put in the email?
Joey: That Rachel was in the hospital.
Jenna: Joey!
Joey: I'm sorry. I just don't do well over the phone or email. I do my best thinking in person.
Jenna: Yeah, tell that to Jennifer when she gets here and kicks your ass for telling her that her close friend isn't actually in the hospital.
(The phone rings)
Joey: Hello? (pause) Hey. (pause) No, I can't. I'm meeting someone for dinner. (pause) Yeah, sure, hold on a minute. (to Jenna) It's for you.
Jenna: Who is it?
Joey: It's Rachel.
Jenna: Why does she want to talk to me?
Joey: Why do you think that I actually know? Just talk to her. (hands Jenna the phone)
Jenna: Hello? (pause) Hi Rachel. (pause) Sure, no problem. (pause) No, Joey's already got plans with a friend, it's no trouble at all. (pause) You're welcome. See you in an hour. (Jenna hangs up)
Joey: What was that all about?
Jenna: Rachel wants me to babysit Caitlin and Ben tonight.
Joey: Huh. She never asks me to watch her kids.
Jenna: Yeah, she mentioned that. She said that since you're still a kid yourself, you're not old enough to watch hers.
Joey: Makes sense.
THE MARK HOPKINS HOTEL - NYU 1992 REUNION (Ross and Rachel are present)
Rachel: This is really high class. My college would never have their reunion at as nice as place as this.
Ross: That's what happens when you go to Stony Brook for your undergraduate degree.
Rachel: You are such a snob.
Ross: Ew that hurt. The snob calling me a snob.
Rachel: You know that if we weren't married I'd kick your ass right here, right now.
Ross: Like you could kick my ass.
Rachel: Try me.
(Chandler and Monica arrive)
Ross: Hey, you guys came.
Chandler: I just want to see Monica's girlfriend one more time.
Monica: You promised me you'd let it go!
Rachel: Drink Monica?
Monica: Yeah.
(Rachel and Monica leave)
Ross: Dude, you've got to forgive her. She didn't mean to kiss Cindy.
Chandler: Yeah, you're right. Maybe I should go find her.
(Cindy approaches)
Cindy: Hey guys!
Ross: Hey Cindy. Great party.
Cindy: Where are your wives?
Ross: They went to get drinks.
Chandler: Why? Do you want to kiss Ross' wife too?
Cindy: Oh. You found out.
Chandler: Well we are married. At least for now.
Cindy: Look Chandler, I'm so sorry. I never meant to kiss your wife. It just happened. And I'll say this, Monica was caught completely off guard. It was obvious that she didn't like what happened.
Chandler: Whatever, just stay away from her.
Cindy: Ok. Look, I really am sorry.
(Monica and Rachel return)
Rachel: Here Ross, I got you a….oh, hey Cindy. (hands Ross a beer)
Cindy: Hi. Hi Monica.
Monica: Hi.
Cindy: Well I was just leaving.
Chandler: Yeah, hurry along now.
Monica: Cindy, wait!
Chandler: What?
Monica: I need to talk to her.
Chandler: What? Are you two gonna make out again?
(Monica slaps Chandler. Chandler is stunned)
Ross (to Rachel quietly): Let's go dance.
Rachel: I thought you'd never ask.
Cindy: Yeah?
Monica: The three of us need to talk.
Cindy: Ok.
Chandler: You hit me!
Monica: And if you say one more thing to hurt me, I'll hit you so hard your balls will fall off.
TOMASINO'S (Joey and Jennifer are present)
Joey: Thanks so much for meeting with me Jennifer.
Jennifer: Well you're email sounded so urgent and I'm always willing to help a friend in need, but shouldn't we go see Rachel in the hospital?
Joey: Yeah, about that, Rachel's not exactly in the hospital.
Jennifer: Where is she then?
Joey: She's at Ross' college reunion tonight.
Jennifer (mad): Then why in the hell did you put in your email that she was in the hospital?
Joey: So you knew that I really needed to talk to you?
Jennifer: Joey, what in God's name is so important that you had me fly across the country to see you?
Joey: I got fired from General Hospital for sneaking into the writers' offices and looking at scripts.
Jennifer: You do realize that you made a pregnant woman fly across country?
Joey: You're pregnant? I thought you'd just put on a lot of weight. Who's the father?
Jennifer: Who do you think the father is?
Joey: I dunno. That's why I asked.
Jennifer: Am I married?
Joey: Oh! Brad's the father. That's a good thing.
Jennifer: I should be home right now resting and you made me fly all the way across the country for someone who's not even in the hospital!
Joey: I'm sorry. I was just hoping that you could help me find a new agent.
Jennifer: That's what was so important? To find you a new agent?
Joey (weakly): It was important to me.
Jennifer (burying her head): I didn't want to believe it, but what the others say is true. You're a big lovable idiot. (Joey has big grin on his face. Jennifer sees it) Stop smiling, I'm still mad at you.
Joey: So you're not gonna help me?
Jennifer: No, I'll help you. I'm here I might as well help you.
Joey: One other thing, could you pick up dinner? I forgot my wallet.
THE MARK HOPKINS HOTEL - NYU 1992 REUNION (Chandler, Monica and Cindy have moved to a private room. Ross and Rachel are dancing)
Chandler: So are you guys gonna take off your clothes and start writhing around on the floor?
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: Geez, I was just asking.
Monica: What is it going to take for you to realize that I'm in love with you and not Cindy?!
Chandler: If you're so in love with me, what were you doing locking lips with Ms. Busty over there?
Monica: Cindy caught me off guard!
Cindy: Do you guys wanna fight alone?
Monica: No!
Chandler: Yes!
Monica: Cindy, what was my reaction after you kissed me?
Cindy: You turned all white and became very uncomfortable.
Monica (to Chandler): You see, she caught me completely off guard.
Cindy: It's like I already told you Chandler, I didn't mean to kiss Monica. It just happened.
Chandler (to Cindy): So you're saying you don't have thoughts of getting it on with my wife? (Cindy doesn't answer) That's what I thought.
Monica (looking up at the ceiling): And we were so close.
(cut to Ross and Rachel)
Ross: Did you bring your vibrator with you?
Rachel: Why on earth would I do that?
Ross: Well something's vibrating between your legs.
Rachel: Oh. That's just my phone. (reaches under her dress and pulls out her phone)
Ross: Impressive. Do you keep anything else under there?
Rachel: Only the box that holds your happiness. (she answers the phone) Hello? (pause) Hey Jenna. (pause) Ok, we'll leave now. See ya soon. (hangs up the phone)
Ross: We're leaving?
Rachel: Caitlin's come down the chicken pox.
Ross: Can't Jenna just watch Caitlin 'til we get home? It's not like we can do anything for Caitlin that Jenna couldn't do for her right now.
Rachel: No. Jenna doesn't think that's a good idea.
Ross: Why not?
Rachel: Because she's never had the chicken pox either.
JOEY & JENNA'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jennifer are present)
Jennifer: What's up Joe? This place is actually clean.
Joey: That's because my girlfriend Jenna moved in with me. She likes a clean apartment.
Jennifer: And you don't?
Joey: No, no, I do. Ok, I never realized that it was dirty before.
Jennifer (gets the phone): Look, I'm gonna make a phone call for you. All you have to do is follow up on it.
Joey: Who are you calling?
Jennifer: The police.
Joey: I didn't do anything wrong! I merely lied to you!
Jennifer: Would you relax? I'm calling my agent to see if he'll take you on as a new client. (Jennifer dials) Hello? (pause) Yes, this is Jennifer Aniston for Trevor Briggs. (pause) Thanks. (to Joey) You owe me big time for this.
Joey: If you weren't pregnant I'd repay you right now.
Jennifer: You're sick. (on the phone) Hello Trevor? (pause) Hey, it's Jen. (pause) Yeah, I'm in New York City visiting some friends. (pause) I need to ask you something. Do you have room for another client? (pause) He's primarily a television actor. (pause) Days of Our Lives and General Hospital. (pause) Yeah, his name is Joey Tribbiani. (pause) Yes, I realize that he was fired from General Hospital. (to Joey) You definitely have been blacklisted. (to Trevor) Can you help him out? (pause) Ok. I'll have him send off his resume. Thanks Trevor. (hangs up the phone - to Joey) You need to send a resume to Trevor.
Joey: So he's gonna take me on as a client?
Jennifer: Probably.
Joey (hugging Jennifer): Thanks so much Jen, I really owe you one.
Jennifer: Joey?
Joey: Yeah?
Jennifer: Before you send your resume to Trevor, make sure you take out all the stuff that isn't true.
Joey: So you're saying that he won't believe that I know how to speak French?
Jennifer: Joey, you can barely speak English, there's no way in hell that anyone will believe that you speak French. Look, Trevor's a great agent and a personal friend. If he takes you on, you have to promise me that you'll act completely professional.
Joey (burping): I can act professional. No problemo.
THE MARK HOPKINS HOTEL - NYU 1992 REUNION (Chandler, Monica and Cindy are present).
Chandler (to Monica): You see, she wants to have sex with you. That was her intent when she kissed you, she wanted to kiss you all over.
Monica: But I already told you that I don't feel that way towards Cindy. It doesn't matter whether or not she wants to have sex with me. I don't want to have sex with her.
Chandler: Yeah, you never wanna have sex with anyone.
Cindy: Sounds like you guys have issues that are deeper than just me kissing Monica.
(Chandler and Monica shoot Cindy a look)
Monica: Chandler, I love you and I'd never do anything to jeopardize that love. What will it take for you to believe me?
Chandler (after thinking for a minute): I think Cindy should kiss me.
Cindy: What?
Chandler: I think Cindy should even things out. I think she should make out with me. Yeah, I think you should see your husband mack with another woman.
Monica: If that's what it'll take, then make out with Cindy.
Cindy: Ah, do I get a say in this?
Monica: No.
Cindy: I am not gonna make out with Chandler.
Chandler: Oh, so you'll make out with my wife, but you won't make out with me?
Cindy: I didn't make out with Monica, I merely kissed her.
Chandler: Yeah, but in your dreams you were not only making out with my wife, you were doing other sexual things to her. Now pucker up.
Cindy: I'm not kissing you Chandler.
Monica: Come on Cindy, you got me into this mess, you have to help get me out.
Cindy: I'm not kissing Chandler.
Monica: What's the big deal? It's not like he has cooties or anything.
Cindy: Yes, but he has a penis.
Monica: So?
Cindy: I don't kiss anything that has a penis.
Chandler (to Monica): Then it looks like we're getting a divorce. If Cindy won't put out, I have no choice but to set you free.
Monica (pleading): Chandler, don't do this. I am so sorry. I love you.
Chandler: Then you should've thought of that before you kissed Cindy. I'll see you around.
Monica: Cindy! Do something!
(Chandler goes to leave. Cindy cuts him off at the door and starts to make out with him. Monica looks on in shock)
Cindy: There, are you happy now?
Chandler: Yes, thank you very much. It's too bad that you’re a lesbian, you're one hell of a kisser.
Cindy: I'm leaving, I'll see you guys around.
(Cindy leaves)
Monica: Are we cool now?
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: So am I a great wife or what?
Chandler: The best. You're the only wife I know that would go along with a revenge plan like that one.
Monica: Wow, she really does have issues with men. How'd you know about that?
Chandler: I talked to Carol last night while I was at Ross'. Carol said that Cindy hates men. She's the one that gave me the idea.
Monica: You are so sly.
Chandler: And a good husband too.
Monica: Yeah, you're the best. Let's go dance.
Chandler: Monica?
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: If you ever kiss a woman again, could you make sure that you videotape it?
CLOSING CREDITS
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel have arrived home. Jenna emerges from the bedroom with Caitlin)
Jenna: Hey. Thanks for coming home.
Ross: Not a problem. The reunion kinda sucked anyway.
Jenna: As you can see, Caitlin definitely has the chicken pox.
Rachel: I'm so sorry. If I'd known that Caitlin would definitely come down with the chicken pox, we would've never asked you to baby sit tonight.
Jenna: It's ok. I'll live.
Ross: Yeah, they say it lasts about a week.
Jenna: Anyway, I better be going.
Rachel: Jenna?
Jenna: Yeah?
Rachel: Did you warn Joey?
Jenna: No, it'll be more fun this way. This way I can tell him that I was slimed by aliens on the way home. Oh, by the way, I stole your Calamine lotion. I'm definitely gonna need it.
Ross: Thanks Jenna. See ya later.
(Jenna leaves)
Rachel: Wow, we should really get her something to thank her. It's not every day that we get to give communicable diseases to our baby sitter.
Ross: I just can't believe that Jenna's 30 years old and has never had the chicken pox before.
Rachel: Well she has them now.