The One Where Ross Is A Woman

By:  Nicole

This fanfic takes place the episode after Rachel moved out of Monica's apartment in season six.  Chandler and Monica are living together, Ross lives in his apartment, Rachel just moved in with Phoebe, and Janene isn't living with Joey yet.

....and remember, I always love feedback and suggestions!

I might do a sequel, I'm not quite sure yet :)

Opening Scene

(Central Perk-Phoebe, and Rachel are all sitting down drinking coffee.  Ross comes in.)

Ross:  (A little disturbed)  Do I whine?

Rachel and Phoebe:  (Trying to lie, but not doing a great job)  No, never, etc...

Ross:  Come on guys, tell me the truth.

Rachel and Phoebe:  Sometimes, just a little, etc.

Ross:  Really?

Phoebe:  Well, you don't whine, your just whiney.

Rachel:  Pheebs, those are the same things.  You just changed whine to an adjective.

Phoebe:  Yeah, uh huh, sure whatever.  (she says it really fast and rolls her eyes.)

Rachel:  (Directs her attention back to Ross)  Why are you asking this anyway?

Ross:  Well, I was talking to my Mom last night, and she said she thinks one of the reasons I fail with woman is because I'm whiney.

Rachel:  Wait, I thought your Mom only picks on Monica about stuff like that.

Ross:  Well, she always use to, but now that Monica has Chandler, I guess she doesn't have anyone to pick on anymore...besides me!

Phoebe:  Well Ross, if it makes you feel better, you nag more than you whine.

Rachel:  That's true Pheebs.  Oh, and you are so much paranoyed than you are at nagging or whining.  (At this point Ross looks very sad and distraught, but the girls keep on listing things.)

Phoebe:  I've got it!  Ross is a woman.

Rachel:  Ahh, he is.  You act like a woman.

Ross:  I do not act like a woman!

Rachel:  Yes you do.  And, you also have absolutly no problem with commitment.  Sounds like a woman to me.

Phoebe:  Totally.

Ross:  (Thinks for a moment.  Then quietly says)  I do act like a woman. (Chandler and Joey walk into the coffee house talking.  Then Ross says loudly.)  I AM A WOMAN!

(Ross than looks behind him and sees Joey and Chandler)

Joey:  (Puts out his hand to Chandler)  Dude, I told ya.

Chandler:  (Puts money in Joey's hand)  Yeah, alright.

Opening Credits-Commercial

Scene Two
Monica and Chandler's apartment

(Chandler is sitting on the couch watching T.V., and Monica is washing the dishes.)

Chandler:  Honey, do you want me to help.

Monica:  No, it's okay.  It's just that every time you try to wash the dishes, you always leave little fingerprints on the dishes, and they're cute fingerprints, and I love your fingerprints, but I always end up re-washing the dishes, and it drives me insane, and...

Chandler:  It's okay, I won't wash them then.

Monica:  Oh, I'm so glad we had this discusssion.  It's been driving me insane!

(Chandler gives her a weird look.  Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe enter.)

Rachel:  Would you just give it a rest Ross, we were just kidding, you don't act like a woman.

Phoebe:  And even if you do, who cares.  Girls rock!

Ross:  No, you guys are right.  I am way to paranoyed, and whiney, and all that.  I need to change.  I need to be manly.  I need...

Joey:  To have a beer.

Ross:  Yeah!

Rachel:  How is him having a beer going to make him more manlier?

Monica:  Yeah, I mean girls do drink beer too.

Joey:  Yeah, but they drink light beer.  And they always sip it out of a big long glass. (Starts to get all worked up)  Men chug it!  And we drink it from a can!  And then after were done with it, we smash it on our heads.

Chandler:  Yeah, Joe you remember what happen when we tryed to smash a beer can with our heads.

Joey:  Yeah, it hurt pretty bad, but...hey, I've got it.  Ross my friend, you need to go to a strip club!

Ross:  (Wearily)  I don't know.

Joey:  Ross, do you want to be a wuss, or do you want to be a man and go watch naked women dance to funky eighties songs?!

Ross:  Yeah, let's go!

Joey:  There we go!

(Joey and Ross start to head for the door, when they look back to see Chandler still sitting down.)

Joey:  Chandler, your coming right?

Chandler:  No, not this time guys.  I am going to stay here with Monica, and, and, stay here with her.  Not naked ladies dancing, but pretty, pretty Monica.

Monica:  You can go Chandler.

Chandler:  Thanks.  Lets go!

(The girls roll their eyes.)

Scene three
Chandler and Monica's Apartment

(The girls are all sitting around the apartment.  Rachel is reading a magazine on the couch, Phoebe is looking out the window, and Monica is in her room.  Suddenly she walks out of her room.)

Phoebe:  I don't see why the guys like strip clubs so much.

Monica:  Yeah, I know.  I mean, I can dance all sexy to.  (She does this weird dance, and Phoebe makes a weird face at her.)

Rachel:  I'm gonna be sick!

Monica:  (Hurt)  Well, I can't please everyone.

Rachel:  No, I mean literally.  I feel horrible.

(Phoebe and Monica join Rachel on the couch)

Monica:  Honey, what's wrong?

Rachel:  I don't know, but I'm really dizzy, and I just don't feel like myself.  Uh, and I don't know.  I've just been feeling pretty bad lately.

Monica:  Do you want to go to the doctor sweety?

Rachel:  Yeah, I think I should.

(They all grab their coats, and help Rachel out of the apartment.)

Scene five
The strip club
(All of the guys are sitting down in the very front watching the girls and drinking beers and what not.)

Ross:  This rocks.  Forget being womany anymore.  I am going to be manly. I'm going to be afraid of commitment, and go to strip clubs, and watch Baywatch, and ya' know what? No more light beer for me.  I'm going to get the regular kind.  Excuse miss. (A waitress turns around)  I'll have some manly beer.  Not light beer, but manly (He growls after he says manly.  Kind of like when Ross is imitating Elizabeth's Dad growling. Then after he growls, he winks at the waitress, trying to seduce her.  She just gives him a weird look and goes back to the bar.)

Chandler:  Calm down Tiger.

Joey:  Yeah Ross, you can't overdo this manly thing. I mean your Ross. Being manly doesn't come to you naturally.  I mean we all know that.  Your not a woman persay, your just have a very feminine side.

Ross:  I will prove to you that I am a man right here, right now.

(He says it really loud, and everyone in the strip club looks at him really weird.)

Ross:  Never mind, I'm going home.  (He leaves, frusterated.)

Joey:  It's so fun playing with him.

Chandler:  Yeah, it is.

Scene six
The Hospital (Phoebe and Monica are sitting down waiting.  All of a sudden Rachel enters the waiting room feeling fine.)

Phoebe:  Hey, what was the matter.

Rachel:  Well, they ran a couple of tests on me and the doctor is going to come out here and tell me in a minute.

Monica:  Well, you seem to look fine now.

Rachel:  Yeah, I feel much better.  I think it was just food poisoning or something.

Doctor:  Miss Green?

Rachel:  Yeah.

Doctor:  I have the results now if you care to come into my office.

Rachel:  Sure.  (Looks at the girls)  I'll be right back.

Monica:  Okay, were going to go get a cab.

Rachel:  Alright.  (Phoebe and Monica go get a cab and Rachel follows the doctor into his office.)

(Inside the office.  The doctor sits down at his desk, and Rachel sits down in a chair.)

Rachel:  So everything is alright, right?

Doctor:  Yes, you're absolutly healthy.

Rachel:  Oh, good.

Doctor:  But, you may be a little pregnant.

Rachel:  What?  A little?  You're either pregnant or your not!

Doctor:  Okay, yes you're totally pregnant.  In fact, you've been pregnant for about two and a half weeks now.

Rachel:  (Laughs) No, I can't be pregnant.  That makes no sense.

Doctor:  Well when was the last time you had sex.

Rachel:  (Starting to get a little more serious) Last year!

Doctor:  Are you sure?

Rachel:  Yes, I mean last...noooooo.

Doctor:  What?

Rachel:  No, no, no, no, no, no.

Doctor:  Miss Green.

Rachel:  Well, about a month ago, I went on a trip to Las Vegas, and I got really drunk, and my friend and I woke up together, but we couldn't remember if we had sex or not.

Doctor:  Well, that must be it.  Congradulations Miss Greene...

Rachel:  No, no.  I know what this is.  Monica and Phoebe are playing a trick on me, aren't they.

Doctor:  Monica and who?

Rachel:  Don't pretend doctor.  If that's what you really are.

Doctor:  I am.  (Points to the wall)  That's my P.H.D. to prove it.

Rachel:  Uh, I was afraid of that.  (Puts her head into her hands)

Doctor:  Here, Miss Greene.  I will make you an appointment to come back in about two weeks to check you out.  Until then, no drinking, no smoking, and take very good care of that baby!

(Rachel slowly gets up)

Rachel:  Thank you doctor.

Doctor:  Your welcome.  Now try and get some rest.

Rachel:  Yeah.  (Walks out.)

Phoebe:  Okay, we got a cab downstairs, hopefully he's not gone already. (Doesn't notice Rachel's upset)

Monica:  Honey, is everything alright.

Rachel:  No.

Phoebe:  What's a matter.

Rachel:  I'm pregnant!

Phoebe and Monica:  What?!

Rachel:  Yeah, I know.

Monica:  You can't be pregnant.

Rachel:  Yeah, I can.

Phoebe:  Who's the Father?

Rachel:  Oh, you'll really like this one.

Monica:  Who?

Rachel:  Ugh, can we just go home first?  I tell you guys in a little bit.  I just need to sit down, and figure things out.

Monica:  Yeah, sure Rach.

(They walk out.)

Chandler and Monica's
(The girls walk in and Rachel goes and lays down on the couch.)

Monica:  Do you want some water or anything Rach?

Rachel:  Sure.

(Monica walks over to the kitchen and gets a bottle of water and gives it to Rach.)

Rach:  Thanks.

(Rachel is laying down with her eyes closed an holds the bottle of water. Phoebe and Monica come over and sit really close to her and stare at her.)

Rachel:  (Breaks the silence)  You want to know who the Father is, huh?

Monica and Phoebe:  Yeah, it's killing us, etc.

Rachel:  (Breathes in)  It's Ross.

Monica:  Oh my God.

Phoebe:  When?

Rachel:  Okay, you remember in Las Vegas how we got really drunk and...

Monica:  And got married!

Rachel:  (Cringes)  Yeah.  Well, one thing Ross and I didn't tell you is that we woke up together in the same bed, and he was kinda, sorta, naked.

Phoebe and Monica:  Oh my God!

Rachel:  And we didn't want to say anything because we were so drunk, that we weren't quite sure if we had sex or not.  Until now, I thought that we were just sleeping in the same bed, but I guess we weren't.

Phoebe:  This is unbelievable!

Monica:  Oh my God sweety.  Are you going to be okay?

Rachel:  Yeah, I'm going to be fine.

Monica:  Your going to keep the baby, right?

Rachel:  Well of course Monica!

Phoebe:  When are you going to tell Ross?

Rachel:  Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.  (She says this just like when Ross
out that she had feelings for him.  She starts walking around the room.)

Monica:  Honey, you have to tell him.

Rachel:  I know I have to tell him.  Oh my God.  What is he going to say? What is he going to do?  Ugh...I know!  Maybe I don't have to tell him.  Maybe you guys could do that.

(Monica and Phoebe just look at her.)

Rachel:  Okay, maybe not.  Ugh, how am I going to do this?

Phoebe:  Out of all of the guys in the world, Ross will be the most understanding about this.  I mean, at least the Father isn't some guy you had a one night stand with.  This is Ross.  One of your best friends. (Rachel smiles)

Monica:  Hey, and Ross loves kids.  I mean he has Ben, and he loves Ben.

Rachel:  I'm not worried if he is going to be a good Dad or not, I know he will.  It's just that, I always imagined that my kid would grow up in a family where the parents were together and wasn't conceived during the mist of a face drawing, shot taking, alchohol banquet!  (There is a brief silence)  I mean, I wanted to have the whole experience of the father listening to your stomach, and putting up with your mood swings, and buying you oysters in a can with cheeze-nips at two in the morning, UGH!  It's just going to be so hard.

Monica:  I know honey.

(Phoebe and Monica hug Rachel)

Phoebe:  Hey, but look on the bright side.  Ross is a woman, he'll understand.

(Rachel lets out a little smile with Phoebe and Monica.  Rachel's eyes are all watery.)

Scene Seven
Ross's Apartment
(Ross is in his apartment walking around frantically with a trash bag throwing a lot of his stuff into the bag.  Suddenly there is a knock at the door.  Ross opens the door.  It's Chandler and Joey.)

Ross:  Hey.

Chandler:  Hey Ross, we just wanted to apologize.  You do not act like a woman.  We were just playing with you.

Joey:  Yeah, and hey.  Just to call it truths, we bought you a little souvenire!  (Says souvenire in a little sing song voice.)

(Ross opens the bag that Joey handed to him)

Ross:  Ah, a can opener, with a naked lady on it.  (Sarcastically)  How thoughtful.

(Joey and Chandler smile at each other and laugh.  You know, that way they do it.  Joey and Chandler start to walk into his apartment.)

Chandler:  Whoa, half of your stuff is gone.

Ross:  Yeah, I am getting rid of all of my girly stuff.

Joey:  Ross, we were just kidding.

Ross:  Well, even if you were just kidding, you guys were right.  I mean, what single guy in his thirties has popuri in his living room, or an empty vase just laying around, or a Kenny G. C.D. in his C.D. Player.

Joey:  Okay, dude everything is fine, but I lost you on the Kenny G. thing. (If you like Kenny G., don't hate me.  It's from that one time on the show where all the guys went out to these clubs, and they decided that they weren't cut out for partying all night long like they use to.  Then Ross comments on how sometimes he just like to go home, take a bubble bath, and throw on some Kenny G.  Then Joey remarks, 'Were thirty-three, not women'?  It's really funny!  Anyways...)

Chandler:  Ross, that doesn't make you less masculine.  That's just who you are.  I mean, Joey still sleep with a stuffed animal.

Joey:  (Whines)  Chandler...well hey!  Chandler always watches old Bette Midler movies!

Chandler:  (Quietly)  She is a wonderful and talented woman.

Joey:  See Ross, were all have our flaws.  Now put the Kenny G. C.D. into the C.D. player, and stop whining!

Ross:  But...

Joey:  Ross!

Ross:  Okay.  (Walks over to the C.D. player.  Scene fades out.)

Scene eight
Chandler and Monica's apartment
(Phoebe is sitting on the couch, Monica's in the kitchen cleaning, and Rachel is in the bathroom.  She comes out from the bathroom.)

Rachel:  Okay, does it look like I've been crying?

Phoebe:  No, it just look like your eyes are irritated from cry...oh, your right.  It looks like you've been crying.  (Smiles preciously)

Rachel:  Okay (Wipes the tears from her face) I'm going to go to his apartment and tell him now.

Monica:  Right now?

Rachel:  Yes, the longer I wait, the harder it will be.

Monica:  You should call him before you go over, I think he still might be out with the guys.

Rachel:  Good idea.  (Runs over to the phone.  Dials the number.  Before pressing the last number, she takes a deep breath.)

Scene Change
Ross's Apartment
(All of the guys are sitting on the couch watching an old Bette Midler film.)

Joey:  She's so radiant!

Ross:  And brilliant!

Chandler:  She's mezmerizing!

(The phone rings.  Ross is still watching the movie and picks up the phone.)

Ross:  Hello (listens to Rachel) yeah, okay...bye.

Joey:  Who was that?

Ross:  Oh, it's Rach.  She's said she's coming over.

Joey:  (Stressed)  Right now?!

Ross:  Yeah.

Chandler:  Oh God, quick, turn off the movie!

Ross:  Why?

Chandler:  Because, this is why everyone said you act like a woman.  Sure, you can watch old Bette Midler movies and listen to John Denver.  (Ross and Joey give him a weird look.)  Not now, okay guys.  But, the point is, you can never have girls catch you doing these things, or they think your sensitive.  Then they think it is sooo cute that you do girlie things, and before you know it, your out with your boss and your girlfriend mentions all the times you two take bubble baths together!

Joey:  Monica said that in front of your boss.

Chandler:  Yes, now he calls me Bing The Bubble Bather!

(The doorbell rings)

Ross:  Quick, turn off the movie.  (Chandler and Joey hop over his couch at the same time trying to turn the T.V. off.  Instead they just fall ontop of each other, then one of them finally turns off the T.V.  Ross quickly opens the door.)

Ross:  (In a very deep and manly voice)  Hello Rachel.

(Rachel looks at Joey and Chandler and gives them a weird look.  They quickly jump up and smile at her.)

Rachel:  Hey Ross.  Um, Joey, Chandler, do you mind if I talk to Ross in private.

Chandler:  Yeah (Starts to walk to the door, then turns around and whispers to Ross) We'll be at Joey's watching the rest of the movie, I'll fill you in on what happens.

Ross:  (Whispers) Yeah.

(Chandler and Joey leave)

Ross:  (Shuts the door)  So, Rach, what's up.  Can I get you some wine or something?

Rachel:  Oh no, that's okay.  Um, some water would be good though.

Ross:  Water it is.  (He goes in the kitchen.  Rachel sits down on his couch.)

Rachel:  Um, Ross?

Ross:  (Still in the kitchen)  Yeah.

Rachel:  Why is half of your stuff in trash bags?

Ross:  Oh, well I decided to throw all of my stuff that wasn't masculine enough away.

Rachel:  I see (Sees the Bette Midler movie box on his table)  Then why were you watching a Bette Midler movie?

Ross:  (Runs into the living room)  Oh, well, Chandler left it here, and (Trying to make an excuse)...I don't know, here's your water.  (Hands her the glass of water. He sits down next to her.  She takes a sip of the water.)  So?

Rachel:  Oh, the water is good.

Ross:  No, I mean, so...what did you come over here for?

Rachel:  Um...well we never talk anymore (smiles and laughs nervously)

Ross:  Yeah we do.  I see you everyday.  I've seen you almost everyday for the past six years, and every one of those days, we have talked.

Rachel:  Yeah, but we don't TALK talk.

Ross:  Okay, what do you want to talk about?

Rachel:  Uh...(Trying to come up with something.  She REALLY doesn't want to tell Ross.)  How are...dinasours?

Ross:  (wearily)  Good.

Rachel:  Still extinct?

Ross:  (confused)  More than ever.

Rachel:  (laughs really loud)  Oh that's so funny.  You're so funny Ross! (Ross is looking at her really weird, and Rachel keeps on fake laughing.)

Ross:  Rachel, are you drunk?

Rachel:  (By now, she is so nervous that she is wired, and talking very fast, and is very jumpy)  No, no, no, no, no!  (The phone rings and startles Rachel.  It rings and she jumps up.)  Ahhhhhhh!  The phone's making noises!!!!!!

Ross:  It's okay, I've got it.  (Picks up the phone)  Hello?

(It's Monica.  Everytime one of them talks, the camera fades to one of them.)

Monica:  Hey Ross.

Ross:  Oh, hi Mon.

Monica:  Uh, is Rachel over there?

Ross:  Yeah, but she's acting really, different.

Monica:  Um, can I talk to her for one second?

Ross:  Yeah, hold on.  (Turns to Rachel)  Rachel, Mon wants to talk to you.

Rachel:  Okay  (takes the phone)  Mon?  (Slowly starts to walk away from Ross. Meanwhile, Ross is sitting on his couch and he turns on the T.V.)

Monica:  You haven't told him yet have you?

Rachel:  (whispering)  Well, no.

Monica:  Rachel Karen Green...

Rachel:  I know, I know.  It's just that I got so nervous.  Then I just started rambling on talking about dinasours, and I just started freaking out!

Monica:  Rachel, just start out from the beginning.  You have to tell him!

Rachel:  Uh, I know.

Monica:  Okay, I'm going to go now.  And don't worry.  Everything is going to be okay.

Rachel:  (Weakily smiles)  Thanks Mon.

(Rachel hangs up.  She takes a deep breath and looks over at Ross.  Ross can feel her staring at him, so he turns the T.V. off and turns around.  There is a brief silence.  Rachel has tears in her eyes.)

Ross:  Rach, is there something wrong?

Rachel:  (Walks quickly over to the couch and sits by him and takes his hands)  Okay Ross.  You have to promise not to interrupt me, alright, because this will probably be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do.  Just wait till I'm totally finished.

Ross:  (very confused)  Alright.

Rachel:  (Breathes in heavily again)  Okay.  (Her eyes are very teary.  She is still holding Ross's hands looking straight into his eyes)  You know you are one of my best friends in the world, and you probably know me the best than anyone could ever know a person. Um,  (Trying to think of a way to phrase this)  Okay, well you know how in Las Vegas we were really drunk and we woke up in the same bed, and we didn't remember if we had sex or not, so we just said that we didn't.

Ross:  (Still confused)  Yeah.

Rachel:  Well, there is no easy way for me to put this, but I guess we did have sex and...well I'm pregnant.  (Ross looks shocked.  Rachel looks like she is going to start balling any second.  Ross goes to say something, and Rachel puts her finger in front of his mouth to stop him.)  Now, you promised there would be no interruptions.  I just found out about an hour ago, so I'm more shocked than you are.  (Ross puts his hands in his head. There is a long silence.  Rachel breaks the silence.  She's crying.)  I just am so scared, and, this is just not how I pictured it...(Ross stops her from saying anymore and hugs her.  She buries her face into Ross's chest.  He trys to calm her down.)

Ross:  (Whispers)  It's going to be okay.

Rachel:  (Almost hysterical)  I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry...(she trails off)

Ross:  Rachel, why are you apologizing?  It's okay, we'll both raise this baby.

Rachel:  (Tears are still going down her face.  Gets upset)  No Ross!  It's not going to be okay, alright?

Ross:  Yes it is.  I'm not going to leave you to take care of the baby by yourself.  I'll be there every step of the way.

Rachel:  Ross, you don't get it.  Oh God, I'm in my mid-thirties, single, and I'm pregnant! This is not how I wanted it!  I wanted to be married, and have a beautiful husband, and then we would have beautiful children, and I know you are going to help me every step of the way, but when it comes down to it, I'll still be alone.  I mean, who my age, mind you, who isn't already married, will want to be in a relationship with me. Everyone my age already has a family, and even Chandler and Monica.  I mean, they're destine to get married soon.  And then you'll get married...again, and before you know it, I'll be in my forties, alone watching my child, and the only visitors I'll get will be you on the weekends...and you'll only come to see our kid, and when you come to visit, you'll be with your wife.  And she'll probably be all skinny and I'll have stretch marks, and big hairy moles on my face, and...

Ross:  Whoa!  Rach, calm down!  (Rachel sinks back onto the couch)  Rach, listen. Before you make all of these far fetch scenarios, you have to look at what you have now! You are a beautiful, funny, smart, and incredible woman.  You have a great job, great friends, and (takes her hand and puts both of their hands on her stomach) a little person growing inside of you, OUR little child.  Maybe this baby wasn't conceived in the right place, nor the right time, but it is so special.  And as long as this baby is also mine, you'll never end up alone, with stretch moles and hairy marks, and all of that, (Rachel lets out a little giggle) and Rachel, who wouldn't want someone like you.  So what you'll have a kid.  If a guy has a problem with that, then he's not worth it.  Hey, look at me, I have had three divorces and now I'll have two kids.  Trust me, I'll never be married, especially to someone who is wonderful and prettier than you.

Rachel:  You never seize to amaze me.

Ross:  What?

Rachel:  Whenever I am in the worst of moods, you always make me feel like a queen. Thanks Ross for assuring me that it will be alright.  (Hugs him and starts to get up)

Ross:  (Freaking out)  Well, now I'm worried.  I'm never going to get married!  I'm going to have two kids and three divorces!

Rachel:  (Sits back down on the couch)  Ross honey, don't worry.

Ross:  Yeah, whatever, I'm going to...(Notices that Rachel is yawning and looks really tired)  Aww Rach, you look exhausted.  You should go to bed.

Rachel:  Yeah, I should go catch a cab now and head over to Phoebe's.

Ross:  (Notices the time)  At two in the morning, carrying my baby.  No way. You can stay here tonight.

Rachel:  Are you sure?

Ross:  Yes, I'm sure.  Here, you can sleep on my bed, and I'll sleep on the couch.

Rachel:  Ross, would you mind sleeping with me tonight, just to keep me company.

Ross:  (Lets out a little smile)  Yeah, that would be fine.  (Starts to get up)  Let me just go clear off my bed, and...(Notices that Rachel has already laid down on the couch, and has fallen asleep.  He smiles at her.  He walks over and gets a blanket and covers it on her. Then he softly kisses her forehead.  When he kisses Rachel, it wakes her up. She doesn't have her eyes open, but she is now awake.  Ross still thinks she is asleep.) Goodnight Rachel.  (He walks slowly to his room and Rachel has a small smile on her face.)

Scene Nine
Central Perk
(Everyone except for Ross and Rachel are sitting down drinking coffee.)

Joey:  So, has anyone heard from either one of them yet?

Monica:  No, but Rachel spent the night on Ross's couch last night.

Chandler:  So, do you think they are going to get back together?

Monica:  Well, if anything would get them back together, it would be this.

(Ross enters.  He looks exhausted.)

All:  Hey Ross, Ross, Hello, etc...

Ross:  Hi.  (He looks like he is in a whole different world.)

Monica:  Are you okay honey?

Ross:  No, this is horrible.

Phoebe:  Your child being born is horrible.

Ross:  No, not that.  It's just that I have another child of mine coming into the world, that won't live in a house where his parents are together.  I just hate this.  And I know this is just tearing Rachel apart.  She was so stressed out last night.  Ugh, this just isn't how it's suppose to happen.

Chandler:  It could be worse, she could be a lesbian (Ross shoots him a glare) Well, why don't you two just give it another chance?

Ross:  No, she doesn't love me like that anymore, and, we would always just end up fighting like the last time, and that would break my heart.

Phoebe:  You are such a baby!

Ross:  (Shocked, and hurt)  What?

Phoebe:  You two know you are going to end up together.  It's destiny, and you cannot change destiny.  Now I suggest you two lobsters just stop all of your petty arguements, and get back together again.  You two obviously both love each other, and will never stop, so STOP THE INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!

(Everyone just stares at her)

Monica:  Yeah, come on Ross.

Ross:  No you guys.  We've both tried it before.  We may love each other, but it won't work.  Trust me you guys.  All we would do is fight.

Chandler:  Yeah, but you guys were together three years ago.  You guys have grown up a lot since then.  And you just said you love her.

Ross:  No I did not.

Joey:  Yes you did.  You still love her.  Yea.

Ross:  (Very mad)  No I don't.  Don't put words into my mouth.  If you guys can't understand where I'm coming from, then just leave me alone.  I would like nothing more to have my child grow up with two married parents, but it won't happen. It's better than having a family where they fight all the time!  (Everyone looks stunned and a little guilty. Ross gets a little more calm now.)  Look I gotta go.  (He heads to the door quickly with his head looking at the ground.  At the same time Rachel is coming into Central Perk. Ross does not see her, and runs into her pretty hard.)

Rachel:  Ross, watch where you're going.

Ross:  I'm so sorry Rachel.  Did I hurt you.

Rachel:  No, it's okay Ross.

Ross:  Are you sure, did I hurt the baby?

Rachel:  No Ross, are you okay?

Ross:  (Looking very disturbed)  I gotta go.  (Walks out.)

(Rachel walks over to everyone on the couches and sits down.)

Rachel:  What's a matter with him?

Monica:  He's just stressed out Rach.

Joey:  Yeah, he was just all stressed out about the baby not growing up in a family where the parents are married (Everyone besides Rachel starts to give Joey a 'shut up' face, but he doesn't notice, so he just goes on.)  So then we told him, well why don't you give it another chance with Rachel, and then he said he still loved you, and he never stopped, but he knew that it would never work out between you two, because you two always fight, and he rather your child live in a house where his parents aren't together at all, opposed to together but fighting all of the time.  (Rachel looks shocked.  Joey finally notices everyone else.)...and what the hell are you guys doing?

(Everyone besides Joey and Rachel puts their head in their hands very frusterated with Joey.  There is a brief silence.)

Phoebe:  Rach, are you okay?

Chandler:  Rach?

Rachel:  Wow.  I can't believe that (has tears in her eyes.  All of a sudden makes a face of pain.)  Oww.

Monica:  Honey, what's a matter?

Rachel:  Nothing, I'm just getting really bad cramps.  Oww!

Phoebe:  We better get you to the hospital.

Rachel:  No, I'm just...OWW!

Monica:  Come on, were going to the hospital.

(Phoebe and Rachel help her out.  Chandler and Joey follow.)

Scene 10
Hospital Waiting Room
(Everyone except for Ross and Rachel are there.  Everyone is sitting down looking worried.  Monica is on a payphone.)

Monica:  (Hangs up the phone and walks towards everyone)  I can't get a hold of Ross.  I left a message at his house and at his work.

Joey:  Do you think anything is seriously wrong with her?

Phoebe:  I hope not.

Chandler:  Wait there's her doctor.

(The doctor is in a rush.)

Monica:  Excuse me doctor.  Is Rachel going to be okay?

Doctor:  Excuse me miss, I'm in a rush.

Joey:  This doesn't sound good.

(Ross comes running in)

Ross:  Is she okay?  Is the baby okay?

Chandler:  We don't know yet Ross.

Ross:  Well, why don't we know.  How long has she been in there?

Monica:  About an hour now, don't worry Ross.

Ross:  An hour?!  An hour, and you haven't heard anything?!

Doctor:  Excuse me, are you the friends of Miss Greene.

(Everyone goes to say yes, but Ross yells it before them all and runs up to the doctor)

Ross:  Yes, yes!  I'm the father, is she okay?  Is the baby okay?!

Doctor:  Calm down, she is.  She's just fine.  In fact, both are fine.   (Do you really think I would do that to Ross and Rachel.  I would probably be hysterically crying while I would be writing the death of their baby!  Ahh, I don't think I could do that, okay, as I was saying...)

Ross:  (Everyone looks relieved) Thank God (He hugs Monica)

Doctor:  She just got a little food poisoning.  She should be fine now, were going to keep her here for another hour to two hours to keep an eye on her and the baby.

Monica:  Can we see her?

Doctor:  No, I'm sorry but she is going through just a couple tests right now to make extra sure the baby is okay.  We just want to be careful.

Monica:  We understand.

Doctor:  But if you wait about an hour and a half, she should be out of here and ready to go home.

Chandler:  Thank-you very much doctor.

Doctor:  Don't mention it.

(Everyone looks very relieved)

Phoebe:  Oh, that was a scare.  I'm going to go get something to eat, anyone want to join me.

Monica:  I will.

Joey:  Yeah, I will too.

(Chandler goes to sit back down again, and notice that Ross is already sitting down with his head in his hands.  Chandler looks concerned.)

Chandler:  Hey man, did you hear that, she's okay, she's just fine.

Ross:  (lays back in his chair, looking exhausted) I know, she just scared me.  Ugh, she scared the hell out of me.  (Silence)  It's just, ever since I've learned about this baby thing, I just feel like attached to her.  I mean, I've always felt close to her, she's one of my best friends, but now I feel like she is apart of me, ya know?  And I mean, now she is kind of. We are going to have a baby, that's her and me in that baby.  I feel like if she gets hurt, I get hurt.  She bleeds, I bleed.

Chandler:  Are you listening to your self?  You love her. (Ross trys to interupt)...I know, I know, you only love her as a friend, blah, blah, blah.  But Ross, don't you believe if two people love each other enough, they can work through fighting and bickering all the time? I mean that's why you two won't get back together, right?  That's the only reason.

Ross:  That is not the only reason.  We...both like the right side of the bed, and it never works out.  (Chandler looks at him)  yeah, alright.

Chandler:  I mean Ross, can you imagine what you would of done is she would of lost the baby today, or even if something worse happened.  If you would of lost her today.  You would of been devastated.  You would of locked yourself up in your room for the rest of your life, regretting that you never said, 'Rach, I know we fought, but I love you.'?

Ross:  (has tears in his eyes)  I can't let that happen.

Chandler:  No you can't!  You have to go up to her and say Rachel, I love you, and I know you love me (Ross trys to interrupt to say that she doesn't love him) she does Ross, trust me.  And you make her swallow her pride and get back together with you.

(Ross gets up and walks to Rachel's room.  A nurse trys to stop him, but he ingnores her. He enters.  Rachel is asleep.)

Ross:  (Doesn't know quite what to say or do.  Sits on a chair next to her bed quietly. When he sits on the chair, he accidently also sits on to the control of her bed.  Her bed starts going up and down really quickly.  She is awake, and her bed is going out of control.  Ross gets up to help her, but falls on the floor.  Rachel finally grabs the control, and stops the bed.  Ross is still on the floor.)

Rachel:  Ross?  Are you okay?

Ross:  (in a way only David Schwimmer can say it.)  uh-huh.

Scene, hell I've lost count! (Another hospital room.  This time, Ross is the one on the bed, and the rest of the gang is in there with him, including Rachel.)

Ross:...and he said I have a slight fracture in my leg.

Chandler:  Let me ask you Ross, do you have any motor skills? (Ross shoots him a glare)

Monica:  Okay, Ross, I gotta get going, I really tired.

Everyone besides Rachel:  Yeah, I'm beat, etc...

Rachel:  Here, I'll stay with you Ross.

Ross:  No, no, go home, you look tired.  (Chandler gives him a 'tell her now'? look)

Rachel:  Okay, I think I will go...

Ross:  Or you could stay here for a second.

Rachel:  (looking exhausted)  Okay, bye guys.

Gang:  See ya later, hope you feel better, bye, etc...

(Rachel pulls up a chair next to his bed and sits down.  She puts her hand on his thigh.)

Rachel:  So...

Ross:  (taking her hand)  You really scared me today.

Rachel:  I know, I'm sorry.

(Brief silence)

Ross:  Um (thinking of how to tell her)  Do you ever feel like there is a part of you that you never have shown anyone?

Rachel:  Yeah.

Ross:  Well, I don't think I have that anymore, I think I've shown that to you.

Rachel:  Aww, that's so sweet.

Ross:  And I think the reason I've shown it to you is because, I love you.

Rachel:  (Not getting it)  Well I love you too, your my best friend and the father of my baby and...

Ross:  No.  I mean (looking in her eyes, with tears in them)  I love you. (He moves close to her and gives her a soft yet passionate kiss.  After about five seconds, he stops and moves back, looking for a response.)

Rachel:  (With a smile on her face)  Ah hell, it was bound to happen sometime.  (Ross smiles and they kiss again.)