THE ONE WITH ROSS & RACHELíS WEDDING Ė PART I

 

Written by:†† Ethan

††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

 

Monica:So whereís the rehearsal dinner at?

 

Rachel:You know where itís at.

 

Phoebe:Where?

 

Ross:Allesandroís.

 

Phoebe:Sorry, I canít make it.

 

Chandler:Why not Pheebs?

 

Phoebe:Iím busy.

 

Joey:This wouldnít have anything to do with the marathon puking session you had the last time you ate there would it?

 

Monica:You got sick?Who was cooking that night, Iíll fire them right now.

 

Phoebe:You were.

 

Monica (weakly):Oh, sorry I canít fire myself.

 

Chandler:Donít worry about it Pheebs, Monicaís not cooking tonight.Thereís no way youíll get sick.(Monica glares at Chandler)I just lost my cook didnít I?

 

Monica:Thatís not all you lost.

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are present)

 

Ross:So where are you staying tonight?

 

Rachel:Here, why?

 

Ross:You canít stay here, me, Chandler and Joey are staying here.

 

Rachel:Check again.Monica, Phoebe and I are staying here.

 

Ross:I already told the guys we were staying here.Why donít you go to Monicaís?

 

Rachel:Because weíre staying here.

 

Ross:But this is my apartment!(Rachel glares at Ross)I mean, itís our apartment but me and the guys are staying here.

 

Rachel:Go to Joeyís.

 

Ross:Joeyís place smells like a barn.Iím not spending the night before our wedding in a barn.

 

Rachel:Well Iím not staying the night in an apartment where you canít spill crumbs on the floor.

How about we stay here together?

 

Ross:All six of us?

 

Rachel:No just you and I.

 

Ross:But that goes against tradition.Iím not supposed to see the bride the night before the wedding.You know what happened the last time I saw the bride before I got married.

 

Rachel:Which time?

 

Ross:Very funny.Emily and Iís wedding.I said your name at the altar.

 

Rachel:Thatís because you said you still loved me.

 

Ross:Well, well, well what about our first marriage?

 

Rachel:We were drunk!

 

Ross:And look how that marriage turned out.We got a divorce.††

 

Rachel: How Ďbout this?You stay at Joeyís tonight and Iíll reserve extra time for sex on our honeymoon.

 

Ross:Like we werenít gonna do that anyway.

 

Rachel:And Iíll bring the handcuffs and the crotchless panties.(Ross starts running towards the door)Where are you going?

 

Ross:To tell Joey weíre staying at his place tonight.

 

MONICA & CHANDLERíS APARTMENT (Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and Monica are present)

 

Monica:What did you get Ross and Rachel for a wedding present Joey?

 

Joey:Weíve got to get them a present?!

 

Chandler:Ah, yes!

 

Joey:I didnít get you guys a present.

 

Monica:We know that too.

 

(Phoebe enters)

 

Phoebe:Hey.(after looking at how Chandler, Joey and Monica are dressed)You guys arenít going like that are you?

 

Monica: Going where?

 

Phoebe:To the rehearsal dinner, itís like in 45 minutes.

 

Chandler:Phoebe itís 4 oíclock, the rehearsal dinner isnít for another three hours.

 

Phoebe:Oh.Wait a minute, the wedding rehearsal is in 45 minutes.

 

Joey:No, the wedding rehearsal is at 5:30.

 

Phoebe:Like Iím gonna believe you, youíre always late for auditions.

 

Monica:Joeyís right Phoebe, the wedding rehearsal is at 5:30.

 

Phoebe:Ok.So whoís up for a little 2 on 2?

 

Chandler:You wanna play basketball?

 

Phoebe:I was thinking we could have a foursome.

 

Joey:You wanna go play golf?

 

Phoebe:No, but itís kinda like golf, except that instead of putting the ball in the hole, you take the pin and put it in and pull it out.

 

Joey:As in sex?

 

Phoebe:What else would I be talking about?

 

Monica:Phoebe!Thatís gross!We donít have sex with our friends!

 

Joey:Iíll go a little one on one with you Phoebe.

 

Phoebe:No offense Joey, but I was hoping to go a little one on one with Monica.

 

Chandler:Iíll go get the video camera.

 

Monica:Phoebe!

 

Phoebe (chasing after Monica):Donít be such a prude Mon, you know you want me!

 

Joey:Stop it, my headís gonna explode.

 

Monica:Get away from me Phoebe!

 

Phoebe (still chasing Monica):I want you Mon!I wanna feel your jugs against my hot body!I wanna grab your bony little ass!

 

Monica:Phoebe, this isnít funny anymore!

 

Phoebe:But youíve slept with Rachel!I just want my turn!

 

Joey/Chandler:What?!

 

MARK HOPKINS HOTEL (Brad is on the phone.Jennifer is getting ready to go out)

 

Brad:Yeah, I need to make a dinner reservation for two.(pause)Name?Yeah, put the reservation under George, George Bush.(pause)Yes, I realize that I have the same name as the President of the United States.(pause)Yeah, Iíve heard that joke.Look, dinner for two.Thereís an extra hundred in for you if you get us a table away from the middle of the restaurant.(pause) Ok, thanks.

 

Jennifer:George Bush?Thatís original.What happened to William and Joanna?

 

Brad:Thought I try something different.Wow, you look great.

 

Jennifer:You should see me naked.

 

Brad:Youíre the one who wanted to go out to dinner.I was all for room service and a whole bunch of nakedness.

 

Jennifer:Where are we going?

 

Brad:Ross gave me the name of this restaurant.Itís Sorentinoís.Ross apparently takes Rachel there when a romantic evening on the town is planned.

 

Jennifer:Sounds good.Are you ready yet?

 

Brad:Maybe.

 

Jennifer:Maybe?

 

Brad:This is your last chance to have an evening full of hot sex.If we go to dinner, Iím not putting out later.

 

Jennifer:Letís go.

 

Brad:Damn it.That always worked when we were dating.††

 

MONICA & CHANDLERíS APARTMENT (Continued from before)

 

Chandler:You slept with Rachel?

 

Monica:No!Sheís lying.

 

Phoebe:No Iím not!You even showered with her!

 

Monica:Shut up Phoebe!

 

Joey:My dreams are coming true!Did you really sleep with her?

 

Monica:No.So we showered together once, big deal.

 

Chandler (stuttering):Wha, wha, when?

 

Monica:When we were in college.Itís not that big of a deal.

 

Joey:Yes it is!You didnít even go to the same school!

 

Monica:Can we drop it?

 

Phoebe:No we canít.

 

Monica:Iím gonna literally kill you Phoebe.Thatís the last time I share anything with you.

 

Chandler:So you guys were naked and stuff?

 

Monica:Yes.Look, I went to visit Rachel and we got drunk.We started giving each other massages and things got a little out of hand.

 

Chandler:Ross is gonna freak!

 

Monica:No, no, you canít tell Ross.Heís really paranoid about lesbians since Carol broke his heart.

 

Joey:Youíre a lesbian?This is so cool.

 

Monica:Yes Iím a lesbian who married your best friend.Are you a complete idiot?Iím not a lesbian, I just experimented that night with Rachel.

 

Joey:Bisexual?(Monica glares at Joey) Just asking, geez.

 

Phoebe:So you wanna experiment with me?(Monica glares at Phoebe) I didnít think so.

 

(Ross enters)

 

Ross:Hey guys, whatís up?

 

Chandler:Just reminiscing about our college days, right Mon?

 

Monica:Yup.

 

Ross:Hey, weíre staying at your place tonight Joey.

 

Joey:What happened to your place?

 

Ross:The girls are staying there.

 

Chandler:Maybe theyíll get wild tonight and all shower together.(Monica again glares at Chandler)

 

Ross:Please.I already married one lesbian, I donít need to marry another one.(Chandler, Joey and Phoebe try to hide their laughter)Whatís so funny?

 

Phoebe:Nothing, Chandler just farted.

 

SORENTINOíS (Brad and Jennifer are trying to enjoy a nice dinner)

 

Brad:If that guy comes to our table once more, Iím gonna hit him.

 

Jennifer:No youíre not.If he comes over again, weíll just leave.Now eat your food.

 

Brad:For once Iíd like to go out to dinner with you and not be interrupted by some crazed fan.

 

Jennifer:He wasnít your crazed fan anyway, he was mine.

 

Brad:How do you know?He could be gay.

 

Jennifer:Honey, that only happens to Tom Cruise.Everyone knows your straight.

 

(the guy approaches again)

 

Guy:Iím sorry to bother you again, but could I get your autograph Jennifer?

 

Brad:Hey buddy, canít you just leave us alone?Weíre just trying to have a peaceful night out.

 

Jennifer:Brad, itís no big deal.(to Guy)Where do you want me to sign?

 

Guy (pulling down his pants):If you could sign my ass Iíd really appreciate it.

 

Brad:Thatís it!(Brad jumps up and decks the guy)

 

Jennifer:Brad!Brad stop it!

 

THE PARK AVENUE HOTEL (The Wedding Rehearsal is under way)

 

Minister:And after Iíve said hello to everyone, Iíll ask you and Rachel to please stand.

 

Ross:Ok.Then what?

 

Rachel:Honey, be patient, heís getting to that.

 

Joey:Yeah Ross, why donít you take a cold shower.

 

(Chandler and Phoebe starting laughing as Monica glares at them)

 

Minister:Then Iíll ask the audience if thereís any reason why these two shouldnít wed.There should be no problems and then Iíll proceed to the vows.You guys prepared your own vows right?

 

Ross:I knew I forgot to do something.

 

Rachel:Ross!

 

Ross (defensive):Did you remember to write yours?

 

Rachel:No.But thatís beside the point.

 

Minister:Ah yes, female logic, always blame the guy.(Rachel glares at the minister)Ok.Well lucky for you two, we have the standard vows which Iíll have you two repeat.Now I must stress one important thing, (to Rachel) his name is Ross and (to Ross) her name is Rachel.My cousin did this wedding in London where the groom actually said his ex-girlfriendís name instead of his fianceeís.

 

Ross:His name wasnít Raymond was it?

 

Minister:As a matter of fact it was.Why?

 

Ross:Oh nothing, I just think I heard about that wedding.†† (Ross and Rachel start laughing)

 

Minister:Who are the ring bearers?

 

Ross:We have one ring bearer.My son Ben.Ben, itís time to practice. (looking around for Ben)Whereís Ben?

 

Rachel:I think heís playing with Phoebe.

 

Phoebe:No, he went off with Laura somewhere.

 

Rachel:No!

 

Monica:Iíll go get him.

 

(Monica returns with Ben)

 

Ross:Where were you?

 

Ben:Playing with Aunt Laura.She was showing me her fake boobs.

 

Ross (whispering to Rachel)Sheís dead.(to Ben) Itís time to practice.

 

Minister:Ok Ben, when I ask for the rings, you give me the pillow, alright?

 

Ben:Ok.

 

Minister:Great, you can sit back down now son.Ok, then weíll proceed to the final blessing and Iíll pronounce you man and wife.You may kiss the bride.

 

(Ross and Rachel start kissing)

 

Joey (to Monica) Who kisses Rachel better, you or Ross?

 

NEW YORK CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT Ė 52nd ST PRECINCT (Bradís been arrested and has posted bail.Jennifer is waiting for him)

 

Sergeant:Oh by the way, Fight Club, great movie.

 

Brad:Thanks.Itís one of my favorites.

 

Jennifer:Are you proud of yourself?Your first arrest as a celebrity.

 

Brad:Well I figured if Billy Bob Thornton can get arrested, I might as well join the club too.†† Did you know that the favorite movie of the guys in my cell was Fight Club?

 

Jennifer:What a surprise.You know youíre sleeping on the couch for the rest of this vacation right?

 

Brad:Come on Jen, the guy wanted you to sign his hairy ass.

 

Jennifer:I couldíve handled it.

 

Brad:I know.But youíre my wife and signing your name on strangersí asses is where I draw the line.

 

Jennifer:Howís your hand?

 

Brad:Itís fine, why?

 

Jennifer:Youíre gonna be needing it.Letís go.

 

ALLESANDROíS (The Geller Family, The Green family, The Bings and Phoebe and Joey are present)

 

Ross (to Laura):Stop showing my son your breasts.Do you understand me?

 

Laura:I wasnít showing them to him, I was letting him touch them.

 

Ross:Just stop it!Whatís the matter with you?Heís only eight years old.

 

Laura:Fine, fine.But heís the one who asked why mine stuck straight out instead of sagging downward like Rachelís.

 

Ross:He said that?(pause)Never mind, just stop it.

 

Laura:I wonít let it happen anymore.

 

(cut to Rachel and Monica in the kitchen)

 

Rachel:Whyíd you drag me back here?Weíre supposed to be celebrating my impending marriage.

 

Monica:Joey, Chandler and Phoebe know.

 

Rachel:Know what?

 

Monica:About college.

 

Rachel:What about college?

 

Monica:Our little tryst.

 

Rachel:No!You canít be serious!

 

Monica:They know.They beat it out of me.Iím so sorry.

 

Rachel:What are we gonna do?Ross will kill me if he finds out!

 

Monica:They promised they wouldnít say anything to him.

 

Rachel:That would be a first.

 

Monica:Itís gonna be ok.Weíll get through the wedding, and then if you have to tell him, tell him.

 

(cut to the dining room)

 

Ross (to Joey):Whereís Rachel?

 

Joey:I dunno.I think she talking to Monica.

 

Ross (to Chandler):Do you know where theyíre at?

 

Chandler:Does this place have a shower?

 

Ross:No why?

 

Chandler:Well they both said they needed a shower, I thought they went and took one.

 

Ross:Ok, youíre not helping.

 

Phoebe:Maybe they snuck away to plan your honeymoon night?I hear Monica has some awesome moves in the shower.

 

(Ross just looks at Phoebe)

 

Chandler:I can attest to that.

 

(Rachel returns)

 

Rachel:Hey honey.Ready to eat?

 

Ross:Yeah.Do you know why these guys keep making shower jokes?

 

Rachel (uncomfortable):Not a clue.Letís go eat.

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK(Everyone is present, including Brad and Jennifer)

 

Jennifer:So how was the rehearsal?

 

Rachel:Great.The big day tomorrow!

 

Phoebe:So what did you guys do?

 

Brad:We just went out to dinner, nothing special.

 

Ross:Howíd you like Sorentinoís?

 

Jennifer:Well the food seemed good, but we didnít get to finish it.

 

Monica:Why not?

 

Jennifer:Brad got arrested for punching out a patron who was harassing us.

 

Joey:Way to go Brad!

 

Chandler:Did you get a fine or something?

 

Brad:Even better, a court date in September.I look at it like another vacation to New York City.

 

Phoebe:Well if you get Judge Lewis, tell him I say hi.Heíll know who I am, Iím his favorite felon.

 

TO BE CONTINUED