THE ONE WITH ROSS &RACHELíS WEDDING Ė PART IV†
Written by:†† Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
Rachel:† I canít believe weíre finally married.
Ross:† Itís pretty great.† I really love you.
Rachel:† I love you too.† Should we go see our guests?
Ross:† Letís make them wait.†
Rachel:† Oh, what do you have in mind Dr. Geller?
Ross:† How Ďbout a little one on one?
Rachel:† Right here?
Ross:† We could go out to the limo.
Rachel:† Letís go.†
(Ross and Rachel sprint out of the room)
Monica:† Where are you guys going?
Rachel:† To have sex in the limo.†
PARK AVENUE HOTEL†
Judy:† Where are Ross and Rachel, their guests are waiting.
Joey:† Theyíre having sex out in the limo.†
Joey:† What?† She asked where they are!
Monica:† Have you ever heard of lying?†
Judy:† Itís not nice to lie to your mother Monica.†
Jack:† Where are the newlyweds Judy?
Judy:† Apparently theyíre out in the limo having sex.†
Jack:† Well thatís nice.†
Joey:† See.† I told you the truth would come out.†
Judy:† You know Monica, it wouldnít hurt if you and Chandler had sex once and a while, at least Iíd have a chance at getting grandkids.† Thank God Ross and Rachel got married.
Monica (furious):† Thanks Mom.† Chandler and I will go join Ross and Rachel in the limo right now.†
Chandler:† Need a drink Mon?† (Monica shakes her head no)† Well I need one and I need you to show me where the bar is.† (Chandler and Monica walk away)
(Jennifer and Brad approach)
Jennifer:† Where are Ross and Rachel?† The police are here to question them.†
Joey:† What did they do now?
Brad:† I dunno.† The policemen just want to talk to them.
Judy:† Well theyíre out in the limo having sex.†
Brad:† Ah yes, the wedding day ritual.†
Jennifer:† What da ya mean wedding ritual?† We didnít have sex in the limo after our wedding.
Brad:† We didnít?
Jennifer:† No, that was before the wedding.†
Phoebe:† Hey guys, whatís up?
Joey:† The police want to question Ross and Rachel.†
Phoebe:† Should I go get them?
Joey:† That would be kinda hard since you donít where they are.
Phoebe:† Sure I do, theyíre out in the limo having sex.
Jennifer:† How did you know that?
Phoebe:† Duh, everybody knows itís a wedding day ritual.† Iíll be right back.†
THE LIMO (Ross and Rachel are attending to business)
Ross:† Youíd think this limo would be big enough to have sex in.† Ow!
Rachel:† Whatís the matter?
Ross:† I just hit my head on the ceiling.
Rachel:† Thank God, I thought you caught your member in your zipper or something.†
Ross:† No, thatís definitely in working order.†
Rachel:† Iíd say thatís correct or youíre doing laundry after the wedding.
Rachel:† Thatís either a roll of quarters hitting my leg or someoneís really happy to be married.
Ross:† Itís the latter.†
Rachel:† Damn it!
Rachel:† Youíre on my dress and I canít give you access.†
Ross (shifting):† How about now?
Rachel:† Thatís better.
(Phoebe starts pounding on the window)
Phoebe:†† Rachel?† Ross?† The police need to see you.†
Ross:† Ignore her, sheíll go away.†
Rachel:† No she wonít. I knew we shouldíve had the driver drive us around.
Ross:† Iím not stopping, not now.†
Rachel:† Go away Phoebe, weíll be there in a few minutes.
Phoebe:† No! Come on guys this is serious.† The police really need to see you.†
Ross:† Iím gonna kill her!
Rachel:† Not if I donít get to her first.† Weíll be right there Pheebs.
Ross:† No we wonít, youíve gotta finish what ya started!
Rachel:† Who do you think you are?† A member of Van Halen?
Ross:† What are you talking about?
Rachel:† Never mind.† Anyway sheís totally ruined the mood.†
Ross:† Weíre having sex in a limo!† Thereís no mood to ruin!
Rachel:† Get off me!† Weíre going inside.
Ross:† I liked you better when we werenít married.†
Rachel:† Keep it up and we wonít be married for long.†
Ross:† Thatís what Iím trying to tell you, itís already up.†††††
Rachel:† Iíll tell you what.† Weíll go talk to the police and then come back out here. Deal?
Phoebe:† Are you guys coming?†
Rachel:† Weíll be right out.
(A few minutes pass and Ross and Rachel emerge from the limo)
Ross:† For your sake Phoebe, this better be really important.†
Phoebe:† Youíre flyís open Ross.†
Ross:† Oops thanks.† (Rachel laughs)
Phoebe:† I wouldnít laugh Rachel, you forgot to put your bra back on and your nipples are showing.†
Rachel (embarrassed):† Iíll be right back.
Ross:† I donít see what sheís embarrassed about, theyíre really nice nipples.†
Phoebe:† I know, Monica told me.†
PARK AVENUE HOTEL (Ross and Rachel have returned with Phoebe)
Jack:† There you are.† How was the sex?
Rachel:† Where are the police?
Jennifer (pointing):† Theyíre over there.†
Rachel:† Do you know what they want?
Jennifer:† Not a clue.†
Rachel:† Letís go Ross.† (Ross is ignoring Rachel)† Ross!
Rachel:† Letís go!
Ross:† Back to the limo?
Rachel: The police Ross, the police.† (Ross and Rachel walk towards the police)
Joey:† Heís already started acting like heís married.†
Jennifer:† Tell me about it, men get married and suddenly their hearing doesnít work anymore.† Brad!† (Brad ignores her)† Brad!† (to Joey)† See, he completely ignores me.†
SIDE ROOM OF HOTEL (Ross and Rachel are meeting with the police)
Sergeant Miller:† Thanks for meeting with us.† Sorry to ruin your wedding day.† Iím Sergeant Miller and this is my partner Officer Quadros.†
Rachel:† Thatís ok.† Itís been eventful already.†
Ross:† Whatís the problem?
Officer Quadros:† Do you recognize this individual?† (shows them a picture)
Rachel:† Yeah, thatís the minister who married us.† Why?
Sergeant Miller:† His real name is Gerald Winston, heís been going around the City marrying unsuspecting couples.† I hate to inform you of this, but technically, youíre not married.†
Rachel:† Run that by me again.
Sergeant Miller:† Iím sorry Mrs. Geller, but youíre marriage to Mr. Geller is not recognized by the State of New York.† You were married by a man claiming to be a minister.† In actuality, Mr. Winton is loose from the sanitarium.††
Officer Quadros:† Think of it as the looney bin.† The Cuckooís Nest.†
Rachel:† I donít believe this.† Weíre still not married!
Ross:† Then what we were doing in the limo was a big mistake!
Sergeant Miller:† The wedding day ritual of having sex in the limo after the ceremony?
Rachel (embarrassed):† You know about that?
Sergeant Miller:† Just because Iím a cop doesnít mean I donít have a life.†
Ross:† I guess we better go tell our guests weíre not married yet.†
Rachel:† I just canít believe this!† Everyone thinks weíre married!† Now I have to go through the ceremony again!
Ross:† Do you guys know any ministers?
Sergeant Miller:† Actually youíre in luck.† Not only am I a cop but also a justice of the peace.† I can marry you.†
Rachel:† What do you think?
Ross:† What else are we gonna do?
Rachel:† I guess youíre marrying us.† (to Ross)† Letís go tell the guest to sit down.† At least we wonít have the objections this time.†
Officer Quadros:† Objections?
Ross:† Yeah, we had two people object during the original ceremony.†
Sergeant Miller:† If you donít mind me saying, you guys have had one screwed up wedding day.
BALLROOM (Ross and Rachel have gone to the head table)
Ross:† Ah, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention please.† (The guest become quiet)† It appears that the original minister who married Rachel and I escaped from the looney bin and isnít an actual minister.†
Joey (to Courteney) Thatís the funniest thing Iíve ever heard.
Courteney:† Shut up Joey!† Ross is trying to speak!
Joey:† Geez, even youíre being mean to me today.† Do I smell or something?
Ross:† Sergeant Miller of the New York City Police Department has agreed to marry Rachel and I right here in the ballroom.† So if you could all be seated, weíre going to go through the ceremony again.† (Rachel whispers in Rossís ear)
Joey:† Even the objections?
Chandler:† Shut up Joey!
Ross:† Uh, weíre gonna go straight to the vows, if thatís alright with everyone.† (pause)† Great.† (to Rachel)† This time, itíll last forever.
(The guests take a seat at their respective tables)
Dr. Green (to Sandra):† Are you sure we should let these two get married?† They havenít gotten it right yet.
Sandra:† Thatís what my mother said when I married you.† I shouldíve listened to her.†
Jill:† If Rachel doesnít marry Ross, I will.†
Laura:† Jill, youíd marry anything with a pulse.†
Jill:† At least I have a pulse.†
(Cut to the front of the ballroom Ė Sergeant Miller and Ross and Rachel and the rest of the bridal party is standing on the stage where the band has set up)
Sergeant Miller:† We are here today to join Rachel Green and Ross Geller in matrimony.† We are here to celebrate their love for one another.† If there is anyone here who has any reason why these two shouldn't wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.† (Pause)†
Jennifer (whispering to Brad):† This is where the wedding got screwed up last time.
Brad:† Should I object?
Jennifer:† You do and youíll be married to your hand for eternity.
Sergeant Miller:† Ok, weíre ready to move forward.† May I have the rings please.† (Ben approaches and gives the Minister the pillow with the rings on it)† Thank you son.†
Ben:† Your welcome officer.†
Sergeant Miller:† Youíve got a polite little boy there Ross.†
Ross:† Yeah. Though he called the other guy dude.†
Sergeant Miller:† Rachel, while placing this ring on Rossís hand, repeat after me.† I, Rachel, take thee Ross to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.
Rachel: I, Rachel, take thee Ross to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.
Sergeant Miller:† Now, Ross, while placing this ring on Rachelís hand, repeat after me. I, Ross, take thee Rachel to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.
Ross (who has a big grin on his face): I, Ross, take thee Rachel to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.
Sergeant Miller:† These rings are a symbol of your love for one another.† Wear them always and you will never be without the other.† Ladies and Gentlemen, by the power invested in me by the State of New York, I now pronounce Ross and Rachel, Husband and Wife. (to Ross) You may kiss the bride.
(Ross kisses Rachel and the invited guests give them another standing ovation)
Monica:† Here we go again with the standing ovations.†
Chandler:† Yes, but only you are capable of achieve the big ďOĒ, for which I will always give you a standing ovation.†
Joey:† How do we know this marriage is legal?
Phoebe:† The guy has a gun.† Are you gonna argue with him?† (Joey shakes his head no)† I didnít think so.†
Sergeant Miller:† Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to present to you Ross and Rachel Geller.†
Judy (to Jack):† I think theyíre gonna go back out to the limo.†
Jack:† Not if we beat them to it.†
Judy:† Oh Jack, I love it when youíre so frisky.†
Ross:† Can we go back out to the limo now?
Rachel:† I think the guests are going to start eating the tablecloths if we donít feed them soon.
Ross:† But you promised!
Rachel:† Weíll eat, have the first dance, cut the cake and then disappear for a while.
Ross:† Disappear to where?
Rachel:† The limo you idiot.†
(Cut to later in the reception Ė Phoebe is completely drunk and chasing Courteney all over the ballroom.† Jennifer, Brad, Monica, Chandler, and Joey are talking with Ross and Rachel)
Jennifer:† I gotta tell ya Rachel, this is the best wedding Iíve ever been to.
Rachel:† I hope youíre not being serious.†
Jennifer:† Iím totally being serious.† Hell, by my count, you got to start the wedding ceremony three times.† Most people have to be divorced twice first to have that happen.
Joey:† Yeah Rach, think of how many times Ross has gone through the beginning of a wedding ceremony.† †
Ross:† Thanks for bringing that up Joey.†
Joey:† Just doing my part.†
Monica:† Are you guys gonna cut the cake soon?
Ross:† We already did.†
Monica:† Then what am I doing here talking to you guys, I need cake.† (Monica rushes off to find some cake)†
Chandler:† Thereís still a little fat girl in that tiny little body.†
Brad:† Monica was fat?
Ross:† She was beyond fat.† She was as big as a blue whale.
Courteney:† Joey you have to hide me.† Phoebe wants to make out with me again.
Joey:† Right.† Sorry.† But come on, two girls making out, pretty exciting.†
Chandler:† You watch too much porn.†
Joey:† I donít have to watch porn.† I can watch your wife make out with Rossís wife.† (Joey and Courteney walk away)†
Ross:† Itís a good thing he left, I am ready to kill him.
Brad:† So you know about Rachel getting it on with your sister?
Ross:† Yeah.† But Iím not real happy about it.
Rachel:† Come on honey, it only happened once and it was a long time ago.†
Jennifer:† Yeah, I have always wanted to go to bed with Bradís sister.†
Jennifer:† Iím kidding.† Though youíre sister is one hot mama.†
(Phoebe joins them)
Phoebe:† Whereís Courteney?
Ross:† Sheís with Joey.† Why?
Phoebe:† I just wanna stick my tongue down her throat.† Oh, there she is, bye.†
Jennifer:† She really is something.†
Rachel:† She scared the living crap out of me when I first came to the City. (pause)† She still scares the living crap out of me.†
(Cut to the end of the Reception Ė Ross and Rachel have gone to the stage to thank their guests for coming)
Ross:† Ah, hi.† I, I mean we, just wanted to say thanks.† Thanks for sharing this special day with us.† We really appreciate you all being here.† We hope youíve had a good time and have some special memories of today.†
(cut to the crowd)
Joey:† With all the objections and them not really being married at first, thereís nothing that can compare to today.††
Chandler (sarcastically):† You always know how to point out the good things.
Joey:† Thanks man.†
Chandler:† Youíre an idiot.†
(cut to the stage)
Rachel:† And I just want to say thanks to my parents, my new in-laws, and my close friend Phoebe, for putting on a great party.† And to the rest of you, thanks for coming, we really appreciate it.† Ross and I are gonna be leaving now, and weíll see most of you when we get back from Jamaica.†
(cut to the crowd)†
Phoebe (to Monica):† Did you hear that?† She thanked my personally.† I think she wants me.†
Monica:† She doesnít want you.†
Phoebe:† Uh huh, she wants me.† She wants to get down and dirty with me.
Monica:† No more drinks for you Phoebe.†
Phoebe:† I havenít been drinking!
Monica:† How many fingers am I holding up?† (holds up one)
Phoebe:† How the hell am I suppose to know, I can barely see you!† (Phoebeís eyes shut and she crashes to the floor, passed out)
Monica:† Phoebe?† Phoebe?† Phoebe wake up!
(Phoebe wakes up)
Phoebe:† Am I back in Kansas?
THE LIMO (Ross and Rachel are in the limo driving to the airport)
Ross:† So where were we?
Ross:† We have to have sex in this limo.† The limo expects us to uphold the wedding ritual.† Take off your dress and letís get busy.†
Rachel:† Iím really tired.† Can it wait until the plane?
Ross:† No.† Weíre doing it now.† Besides weíve got to change into our traveling clothes anyway.† Weíll just have a little fun before we get changed.
Rachel (protesting):† But Iím really tired.†
Rachel:† Do I have to?
Rachel:†† And what do I get out of it?
Ross:† An invader into your forest of truth.†
Rachel:† Will it be a quick invasion or one that lasts?
Ross:† Which one do you want?
Rachel:† The one that lasts.†
Ross:† Weíve got a forty-five minute ride to La Guardia, I think the invasion can last that long.†
Rachel (taking off her dress):† I think I better prepare for the invasion.†
Ross:† I love you Mrs. Geller.
Rachel:† Shut up and launch the invasion.†
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica, Joey, Courteney, Phoebe, Brad and Jennifer are present)
Chandler (to Brad):† When are you guys heading back to LA?
Brad:† Tomorrow.† I leave for Spain on Wednesday.†
Joey:† Spain?† Whereís that?
Joey:† So Spain is a city in Europe?
Monica:† Donít bother answering that Brad.
Phoebe:† Iím sorry for tackling you Courteney.†
Courteney:† Itís ok.† If I knew all you wanted was a kiss, I wouldíve given you one.†
Phoebe:† I wanted more, but Joey said I couldnít have it if he didnít get to videotape it.†
Jennifer:† Thatís what I wouldíve wanted.†
Brad:† We definitely need to go home.†
Jennifer:† Iím just saying.†
Monica:† Well I think I speak for all of us, itís been great having both of you here.† I hope you guys come back.†
Courteney:† Yeah, you can come back for Joey and Iís wedding.†
All (except Joey):† What?
Joey:† Oh yeah, I didnít tell you?† I asked Courteney to marry me, and she said yes.†
Courteney:† Weíre getting married next year!