THE ONE WITH THE SECRET

 

Written by:†† Ethan

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

 

Chandler:So how was the honeymoon?

 

Rachel:It sucked.

 

Ross:No it didnít!

 

Rachel:Ross, it rained the whole time we were there.We even went through a hurricane.

 

Ross:Which we went skinny-dipping in.

 

Phoebe:You went skinny-dipping during a hurricane?

 

Ross:Yeah.It was the most fun we had on the honeymoon.

 

Joey:Better than having sex over and over again?

 

Ross:Ok, so it was the second most fun thing we did on our honeymoon.

 

Rachel:Oh, and we brought presents back for each of you.

 

Chandler (excited):What did I get?

 

Monica:Would you stop being so selfish?(to Rachel)What did you bring me?

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)

 

Monica:I love the hammock itís perfect for the balcony.

 

Chandler:This voodoo doll looks just like my boss.Heíll never make me work late again!

 

Phoebe:Youíve never worked late the whole time youíve been on the job.

 

Chandler:So?I can still use it on him.

 

Phoebe:How did you know to bring me back Cuban cigars?

 

Ross:We figured youíd love to have anything thatís illegal to have in the US.

 

Joey:You shouldíve brought her back a Jamaican gigolo.She needs another boyfriend.

 

Phoebe:Youíre so lucky youíre getting married Joey, or Iíd cut off your manhood.

 

Rachel:What did you say?

 

Phoebe:Iíd cut off his manhood.

 

Rachel:No before that, Joeyís getting married?

 

Joey:Yup, Courteney and I are engaged.Iím officially off the market.

 

Chandler:And the entire female population of the City of New York screams in terror.

 

Ross:I donít believe it!What, how, whenÖ.

 

Monica:Yeah, weíre still in shock too.

 

Rachel:Well congratulations Joey, Iím really proud of you.Never thought it could be done, but still very proud of you.

 

Joey:So why did you guys bring me back a 100 pack of condoms?

 

Ross:We figured with the rate at which you have sex, youíd blow through the supply in a month.We figured we spring for a monthís supply.

 

Joey:You guys are so thoughtful.Thanks guys.

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are unpacking)

 

Rachel:I didnít wear half the stuff I brought.I always overpack.

 

Ross:Thatís because you brought half your closet.(Rachel stares at Ross)Iím just saying.Besides, we spend 75% of the time naked.Did you really think youíd wear all those outfits?

 

Rachel: No.I just wanted to be prepared for anything.

 

Ross:I think you achieved that goal.

 

Rachel:Do you wanna have a baby?

 

Ross:What?Right now?Like in the next nine months?

 

Rachel:I take that as a no.

 

Ross:I just didnít think youíd want kids so soon.Donít you just wanna enjoy being married for a while?

 

Rachel:Weíve been living together for nine months already.

 

Ross:So?

 

Rachel:Well thatís like being married.

 

Ross:Not in my book.

 

Rachel:How can you say that?

 

Ross:Pretty easily, not in my book.See, itís only four words and I do hold a doctorate degree.

 

Rachel:Fine.

 

Ross:Wait Rach.I donít wanna have a fight over this.

 

Rachel:No fight.

 

Ross:So if I said ok, that would be ok with you?

 

Rachel:What do you mean ok?

 

Ross:If youíre ready to have a baby, then Iím ready too.Besides, Ben keeps asking me when heís gonna have a little brother and god knows Carol and Susan arenít going to come through for him.

 

Rachel:Youíre serious?Once we agree to do this, thereís no stopping until I have a baby.

 

Ross:My swimmers are at the starting block.All youíve got to do is fire the starting gun.(Rachel begins taking off her clothes)You wanna do this right now?

 

Rachel:No time like the present.

 

Ross:Ah one question, did you stop your birth control?

 

Rachel:Damn it!

 

Ross:I take that as a no.(Rachel starts putting her clothes back on)Whoa, what are you doing?

 

Rachel:Weíre not having sex now.Youíve got to save those swimmers.

 

Ross:I produce millions of them everyday.Now take your clothes off.

 

Rachel:No.

 

Ross:No?

 

Rachel:No more meaningless sex.From now on we only have sex when weíre shooting for a baby.

 

Ross:But I need the practice.

 

Rachel:Then go to the bathroom and use your hand. Oh, and I think this monthís issue of Playboy is in there if thatíll help.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are present)

 

Chandler:Are you ready to go?

 

Monica:No.

 

Chandler:Why not?

 

Monica:Because the last time we went I wasnít pregnant.I donít want that to happen again.

 

Chandler:It wonít.

 

Monica:How do you know?

 

Chandler:I donít.But thereís no way to find out for sure if we donít go.

 

Monica:I want this so bad.

 

Chandler:Same here.I havenít wanted anything this much since I wanted the Atari game system as a kid.(Monica stares at Chandler)Ok, Iím sensing that I shouldíve kept that to myself.Letís go.

 

JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)

 

Joey:Man, thank god that we have a week off shooting.

 

Phoebe:Ah, the last time you thought you had a week off youíd been fired.Are you sure thatís not the case now?

 

Joey:I am aware of that.Thatís why I made sure this time.

 

Phoebe:What did you do?

 

Joey:I told them that I was suffering from exhaustion and needed a week in the hospital to recoup.

 

Phoebe:Thatís a great excuse.Did it work?

 

Joey:No.

 

Phoebe:Then why arenít you at work?

 

Joey:ĎCause my character is on vacation for a week.

 

Phoebe:So you didnít need the excuse?

 

Joey:Apparently not.So how you doiní Pheebs?

 

Phoebe:Iím alright.

 

Joey:Come on, whatís wrong?

 

Phoebe:Nothingís wrong.Iím fine.

 

Joey:If you donít tell me Iíll everyone that you slept with Courteney.

 

Phoebe:Fine with me.

 

Joey:You slept with my fiancťe?

 

Phoebe:No.

 

Joey:Whatís wrong?

 

Phoebe (after a period of silence):Iím sad.

 

Joey:Why?

 

Phoebe:Because youíre getting married.

 

Joey:Really?I thought youíd be happy for me.

 

Phoebe:I am happy for you, Iím still sad though.

 

Joey:Ok youíre confusing me.

 

Phoebe:You know thatís not hard to do.

 

Joey:Very funny.Why are you sad?

 

Phoebe:I canít tell you.

 

Joey:Itís me Pheebs, you can tell me anything.

 

Phoebe:Not this.

 

Joey:Come on, what is it?

 

Phoebe:No, Iím not telling you.Iíve gotta go.

 

Joey:Where are you going?

 

Phoebe:To work.

 

Joey:You donít have a job.

 

Phoebe:Look, I just have to go.Ok?

Joey:Are you sure youíre alright?

 

Phoebe:Iím fine.See you later.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Ross are present)

 

Ross:I canít believe youíre getting married.I mean, no offense, but itís you.

 

Joey:Yeah, I canít believe it either.I almost backed out.

 

Ross:Why?

 

Joey:ĎCause Iím not sure if Courteneyís the one.

 

Ross:That would be a good reason to back out.Wait a minute, you still donít feel that way do you?

 

Joey:So do you wanna go get a pizza?

 

Ross:†† Answer my question Joey.Do you still have doubts about Courteney being the one?

 

Joey:I dunno.

 

Ross:What do you mean you donít know?

 

Joey:Just that I donít know.Can we drop it?

 

Ross:Fine.Just donít do anything stupid.Marriage is not something to be fooled with. Trust me, Iím on my fourth because I was stupid the first three times.

 

Joey:Itís me, when have I ever done anything stupid?

 

Ross:Do I have to answer that?

 

Joey:You better not.Hey have you talked to Phoebe lately?

 

Ross:No, we just got back yesterday.I havenít really seen her.Is there something I should know?

 

Joey:Sheís just acting weird.She said that sheís sad that Iím getting married and she wonít tell me why.

 

Ross: Itís Phoebe. Sheís always been weird.Do you want me to talk to her?

 

Joey:If you want.Now about that pizza, are you in?

 

Ross:I canít, weíre having dinner with Rachelís mom tonight.

 

Joey:So are you gonna go for it with Rachelís mom?

 

Ross:What?!

 

Joey:Sorry, I just saw American Pie again.

 

GYNECOLOGISTíS OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are waiting for the pregnancy tests results)

 

Monica:It better be positive this time.

 

Chandler:Donít worry, it will.

 

Monica:If it isnít youíre going to the doctorís to have your swimmers tested.††

 

Chandler:No Iím not!Thereís nothing wrong with my swimmers!

 

Monica:Youíre still going!

 

(the Doctor enters)

 

Dr. Newer:Hello again.

 

Chandler:Well?

 

Monica:Chandler, give her a chance to speak!Sorry about my husband, he sometimes forgets to be polite.So, what are the results?

 

Chandler:And youíre not impatient?!

 

Dr. Newer:Do you guys want me to come back after you finish fighting?

 

Chandler/Monica:No.

 

Dr. Newer:Well I have some good news, youíre pregnant.

 

Monica:Iím pregnant?

 

Dr. Newer:Yup.

 

Monica (to Chandler):Did you hear that?Iím pregnant!

 

Chandler:Congratulations, I love you!

 

Dr. Newer:Shall we do an ultrasound to determine how far along you are?

 

Monica:Letís do it!

 

Chandler:No offense Monica, but I donít think having sex right here and now is appropriate.

 

Monica:Would you please just once not make a mockery out of everything!

 

Chandler:Sorry.

 

Dr. Newer (to Chandler):I thought it was funny.

 

PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Ross has gone to see Phoebe.He knocks on her door)

 

Phoebe (who is naked):Come in.

 

Ross:Hey Pheebs! (sees that sheís naked)Phoebe!Put some clothes on!What the hell are you doing?!

 

Phoebe (covering up):Oops.I was cleaning!

 

Ross:You clean in the nude?

 

Phoebe:You donít?(Ross shakes his head no)You should try it sometime, itís liberating.Iíll be right back.

 

Ross:With clothes on I hope.

 

(Phoebe returns)

 

Phoebe (in a robe):Sorry about that, I wasnít expecting company.

 

Ross:Then why did you tell me to come in?

 

Phoebe:I had ordered a pizza.

 

Ross:And you were gonna answer the door like that?

 

Phoebe:Sure.I always order pizza when Iím cleaning.Besides, the pizza delivery person is a woman.Sheís seen me naked a hundred times.

 

Ross:When she delivers your pizza?

 

Phoebe:And at the gym.Anyway, whatís up?

 

Ross:Ah, Joey said that youíre sad that heís getting married.

 

Phoebe:So?

 

Ross:He also said that you wouldnít tell him why.

 

Phoebe:So?

 

Ross:So I figured Iíd come and talk with you and see if I can help.

 

Phoebe:Thatís really sweet, but really, Iím fine.

 

Ross:So are you sad?

 

Phoebe:A little, but Iíll get over it.

 

Ross:Why are you sad?

 

Phoebe:I canít tell you that.

 

Ross:Come on Pheebs, what is it?

 

Phoebe:Itís not your problem.Iíll deal with it myself.

 

Ross:Are you pregnant?

 

Phoebe:No!What would make you think that?!

 

Ross:Sorry, you said you had a problem.I thought you might be pregnant.

 

Phoebe:Well Iím not!

 

Ross:Please donít get mad, I was just trying to help.

 

Phoebe:Well stop trying to help.Iím not gonna tell you what it is so why donít you just drop it.

 

Ross:Ok.Iím sorry Pheebs.I have to get home, Rachel and I are going to dinner with her mom.

 

Phoebe:Are you gonna try to sleep with Rachelís mom this time?

 

Ross:What?!

 

Phoebe:Sorry, I just saw American Pie again with Joey.

 

GYNECOLOGISTíS OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are having their ultrasound done)

 

Dr. Newer:Well, it appears that youíre four weeks along.

 

Monica:Really?I only have eight months left?

 

Dr. Newer:Yes, it appears that way.

 

Chandler:These are gonna be the longest eight months of my life. (Monica glares at Chandler)I didnít mean to say that out loud.

 

Monica:Oh no!

 

Chandler:What?

 

Monica:I was pregnant during Ross and Rachelís wedding.

 

Chandler:So?

 

Monica:I got drunk at the wedding!Youíre not supposed to drink when youíre pregnant!Is the baby gonna be ok?

 

Dr. Newer:Itís way to early to tell, but itís my bet that the baby will be fine.Youíre not the first person who got smashed and then found out that they were pregnant.Do you smoke?

 

Monica:No.

 

Dr. Newer:How about you Chandler?

 

Chandler:Not really.

 

Dr. Newer:Not really?

 

Chandler:Once in a while when Monicaís not looking.

 

Monica:†† Chandler!Iím gonna kill you!

 

Dr. Newer:I take it that youíre not supposed to be smoking.

 

Chandler:No, Iím not.But itís so pleasurable, itís almost better than sex.

 

Monica:Like youíll be getting any in the next eight months anyway.

 

Dr. Newer:Actually, you can have sex during your pregnancy.

 

Monica:Trust me, after today, he wonít be having any sex except with himself.

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross is cleaning in the nude)

 

Ross (VO)This is so much fun!I am totally naked and cleaning.Whoa, Iíd better watch how and where I hold the vacuum cleaner.

(Rachel and her mom enter.Ross doesnít hear them due to the vacuum cleaner noise.Rachel pulls the plug on the vacuum)

 

Rachel:What the hell are you doing?!

 

Ross:Uh oh.Hi Rach, Mrs. Green.I was just cleaning.Iíll be right back.(Ross runs to the bedroom)

 

Mrs. Green:Now I see why you married him.Impressive equipment.

 

(Rachel goes into the bedroom)

 

Rachel:What was that?

 

Ross:Iím sorry, I was cleaning.Phoebe told me to try it in the nude.

 

Rachel:And you listened to her?

 

Ross:You should try it, itís liberating.

 

Rachel:Youíre an idiot.You donít clean in the nude when youíre new mother-in-law is coming to dinner!

 

Ross:Iím sorry.I just got carried away.

 

Rachel:You do that if my mother wasnít right outside, Iíd jump your bones.

 

Ross:Really?

 

Rachel:Oh baby, you have no idea how sexy you looked.

 

Ross:What about the no meaningless sex thing?

 

Rachel:You clean in the nude all the time, you can have all the meaningless sex you want.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT(Chandler and Monica are present, but not really talking to each other)

 

Chandler:Come on Mon, this is supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives, talk to me.

 

Monica:Every time talk to you, you have nothing but jokes to say.

 

Chandler:Look, Iím truly sorry about today.I was just so excited that Iím gonna be a father that I just kept making cracks.Thatís what happens when I get excited and you know that.

 

Monica:Are you gonna be able to stay quiet?

 

Chandler:About what?

 

Monica:About me being pregnant.No one is to know until I start to show.I donít want to jinx it.

 

Chandler:No one will find out.I wonít say anything.You can cut off my head if I squeal.Itís our secret.

 

Monica:Youíre lucky I havenít cut off your head yet.Of course I wouldnít be currently pregnant if I had done that.

 

Chandler (cringing):Ah, I meant cut of the other head.

 

Monica:I didnít.

 

PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)

 

Joey:So youíre still not gonna tell me whatís bothering you?

 

Phoebe:No.Itís a secret.

 

Joey:Itís not a secret if youíre the only one who knows about it.

 

Phoebe:You really want me to tell you?

 

Joey:Yeah, I do.

 

Phoebe:You think you can handle the truth?

 

Joey:Yeah.I can handle the truth.What is it?

 

Phoebe:Well Iím not gonna tell you.I donít think you can handle it.

 

(Joey tackles Phoebe and pins her to the floor)

 

Joey:Tell me now or Iíll tickle you to death.(starts tickling her)

 

Phoebe:Ok, ok.Stop, Stop!

 

Joey:Why are you sad that Iím getting married?

 

Phoebe:Iím not telling you!

 

Joey:Fine, have it your way!(starts tickling her again)

 

Phoebe:Stop!Ok! I promise, Iíll tell you!

 

Joey:What is it?

 

Phoebe:Iím sad that youíre getting married because I thought that youíd wind up marrying me.There I said it, are you happy now? (Joey looks at Phoebe in shock)

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Monica and Chandler are present)

 

Rachel (to Monica):Did Ross tell you, weíre trying to have a baby.

 

Monica:Thatís so great!

 

Chandler:Yes, weíd have a baby but Monica already has one.

 

Ross:Huh?

 

Chandler:Me.