THE ONE WITH THE SECRET

 

Written by:   Ethan

                                             

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

 

Chandler:  So how was the honeymoon?

 

Rachel:  It sucked. 

 

Ross:  No it didn’t!

 

Rachel:  Ross, it rained the whole time we were there.  We even went through a hurricane.

 

Ross:  Which we went skinny-dipping in. 

 

Phoebe:  You went skinny-dipping during a hurricane?

 

Ross:  Yeah.  It was the most fun we had on the honeymoon. 

 

Joey:  Better than having sex over and over again?

 

Ross:  Ok, so it was the second most fun thing we did on our honeymoon.

 

Rachel:  Oh, and we brought presents back for each of you. 

 

Chandler (excited):  What did I get?

 

Monica:  Would you stop being so selfish?  (to Rachel)  What did you bring me?

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)

 

Monica:  I love the hammock it’s perfect for the balcony. 

 

Chandler:  This voodoo doll looks just like my boss.  He’ll never make me work late again!

 

Phoebe:  You’ve never worked late the whole time you’ve been on the job. 

 

Chandler:  So?  I can still use it on him. 

 

Phoebe:  How did you know to bring me back Cuban cigars?

 

Ross:  We figured you’d love to have anything that’s illegal to have in the US. 

 

Joey:  You should’ve brought her back a Jamaican gigolo.  She needs another boyfriend. 

 

Phoebe:  You’re so lucky you’re getting married Joey, or I’d cut off your manhood. 

 

Rachel:  What did you say?

 

Phoebe:  I’d cut off his manhood.

 

Rachel:  No before that, Joey’s getting married?

 

Joey:  Yup, Courteney and I are engaged.  I’m officially off the market. 

 

Chandler:  And the entire female population of the City of New York screams in terror. 

 

Ross:  I don’t believe it!  What, how, when….

 

Monica:  Yeah, we’re still in shock too. 

 

Rachel:  Well congratulations Joey, I’m really proud of you.  Never thought it could be done, but still very proud of you. 

 

Joey:  So why did you guys bring me back a 100 pack of condoms?

 

Ross:  We figured with the rate at which you have sex, you’d blow through the supply in a month.  We figured we spring for a month’s supply. 

 

Joey:  You guys are so thoughtful.  Thanks guys. 

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are unpacking)

 

Rachel:  I didn’t wear half the stuff I brought.  I always overpack. 

 

Ross:  That’s because you brought half your closet.  (Rachel stares at Ross)  I’m just saying.  Besides, we spend 75% of the time naked.  Did you really think you’d wear all those outfits?

 

Rachel: No.  I just wanted to be prepared for anything. 

 

Ross:  I think you achieved that goal. 

 

Rachel:  Do you wanna have a baby?

 

Ross:  What?  Right now?  Like in the next nine months?

 

Rachel:  I take that as a no. 

 

Ross:  I just didn’t think you’d want kids so soon.  Don’t you just wanna enjoy being married for a while?

 

Rachel:  We’ve been living together for nine months already.

 

Ross:  So?

 

Rachel:  Well that’s like being married. 

 

Ross:  Not in my book.

 

Rachel:  How can you say that?

 

Ross:  Pretty easily, not in my book.  See, it’s only four words and I do hold a doctorate degree. 

 

Rachel:  Fine.

 

Ross:  Wait Rach.  I don’t wanna have a fight over this. 

 

Rachel:  No fight. 

 

Ross:  So if I said ok, that would be ok with you?

 

Rachel:  What do you mean ok?

 

Ross:  If you’re ready to have a baby, then I’m ready too.  Besides, Ben keeps asking me when he’s gonna have a little brother and god knows Carol and Susan aren’t going to come through for him. 

 

Rachel:  You’re serious?  Once we agree to do this, there’s no stopping until I have a baby. 

 

Ross:  My swimmers are at the starting block.  All you’ve got to do is fire the starting gun.  (Rachel begins taking off her clothes)  You wanna do this right now?

 

Rachel:  No time like the present. 

 

Ross:  Ah one question, did you stop your birth control? 

 

Rachel:  Damn it!

 

Ross:  I take that as a no.  (Rachel starts putting her clothes back on)  Whoa, what are you doing? 

 

Rachel:  We’re not having sex now.  You’ve got to save those swimmers. 

 

Ross:  I produce millions of them everyday.  Now take your clothes off. 

 

Rachel:  No. 

 

Ross:  No?

 

Rachel:  No more meaningless sex.  From now on we only have sex when we’re shooting for a baby. 

 

Ross:  But I need the practice. 

 

Rachel:  Then go to the bathroom and use your hand. Oh, and I think this month’s issue of Playboy is in there if that’ll help. 

 

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are present)

 

Chandler:  Are you ready to go?

 

Monica:  No. 

 

Chandler:  Why not?

 

Monica:  Because the last time we went I wasn’t pregnant.  I don’t want that to happen again. 

 

Chandler:  It won’t. 

 

Monica:  How do you know? 

 

Chandler:  I don’t.  But there’s no way to find out for sure if we don’t go. 

 

Monica:  I want this so bad. 

 

Chandler:  Same here.  I haven’t wanted anything this much since I wanted the Atari game system as a kid.  (Monica stares at Chandler)  Ok, I’m sensing that I should’ve kept that to myself.  Let’s go. 

 

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)

 

Joey:  Man, thank god that we have a week off shooting. 

 

Phoebe:  Ah, the last time you thought you had a week off you’d been fired.  Are you sure that’s not the case now?

 

Joey:  I am aware of that.  That’s why I made sure this time. 

 

Phoebe:  What did you do?

 

Joey:  I told them that I was suffering from exhaustion and needed a week in the hospital to recoup. 

 

Phoebe:  That’s a great excuse.  Did it work?

 

Joey:  No. 

 

Phoebe:  Then why aren’t you at work?

 

Joey:  ‘Cause my character is on vacation for a week. 

 

Phoebe:  So you didn’t need the excuse?

 

Joey:  Apparently not.  So how you doin’ Pheebs?

 

Phoebe:  I’m alright. 

 

Joey:  Come on, what’s wrong?

 

Phoebe:  Nothing’s wrong.  I’m fine. 

 

Joey:  If you don’t tell me I’ll everyone that you slept with Courteney. 

 

Phoebe:  Fine with me.

 

Joey:  You slept with my fiancée?

 

Phoebe:  No.

 

Joey:  What’s wrong?

 

Phoebe (after a period of silence):  I’m sad. 

 

Joey:  Why?

 

Phoebe:  Because you’re getting married. 

 

Joey:  Really?  I thought you’d be happy for me.

 

Phoebe:  I am happy for you, I’m still sad though. 

 

Joey:  Ok you’re confusing me.

 

Phoebe:  You know that’s not hard to do. 

 

Joey:  Very funny.  Why are you sad?

 

Phoebe:  I can’t tell you. 

 

Joey:  It’s me Pheebs, you can tell me anything. 

 

Phoebe:  Not this. 

 

Joey:  Come on, what is it?

 

Phoebe:  No, I’m not telling you.  I’ve gotta go.

 

Joey:  Where are you going?

 

Phoebe:  To work. 

 

Joey:  You don’t have a job. 

 

Phoebe:  Look, I just have to go.  Ok? 

 

Joey:  Are you sure you’re alright?

 

Phoebe:  I’m fine.  See you later.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Ross are present)

 

Ross:  I can’t believe you’re getting married.  I mean, no offense, but it’s you. 

 

Joey:  Yeah, I can’t believe it either.  I almost backed out. 

 

Ross:  Why?

 

Joey:  ‘Cause I’m not sure if Courteney’s the one. 

 

Ross:  That would be a good reason to back out.  Wait a minute, you still don’t feel that way do you?

 

Joey:  So do you wanna go get a pizza?

 

Ross:   Answer my question Joey.  Do you still have doubts about Courteney being the one?

 

Joey:  I dunno. 

 

Ross:  What do you mean you don’t know?

 

Joey:  Just that I don’t know.  Can we drop it? 

 

Ross:  Fine.  Just don’t do anything stupid.  Marriage is not something to be fooled with. Trust me, I’m on my fourth because I was stupid the first three times. 

 

Joey:  It’s me, when have I ever done anything stupid?

 

Ross:  Do I have to answer that?

 

Joey:  You better not.  Hey have you talked to Phoebe lately?

 

Ross:  No, we just got back yesterday.  I haven’t really seen her.  Is there something I should know?

 

Joey:  She’s just acting weird.  She said that she’s sad that I’m getting married and she won’t tell me why. 

 

Ross:  It’s Phoebe. She’s always been weird.  Do you want me to talk to her?

 

Joey:  If you want.  Now about that pizza, are you in?

 

Ross:  I can’t, we’re having dinner with Rachel’s mom tonight. 

 

Joey:  So are you gonna go for it with Rachel’s mom?

 

Ross:  What?!

 

Joey:  Sorry, I just saw American Pie again. 

 

GYNECOLOGIST’S OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are waiting for the pregnancy tests results)

 

Monica:  It better be positive this time.

 

Chandler:  Don’t worry, it will. 

 

Monica:  If it isn’t you’re going to the doctor’s to have your swimmers tested.  

 

Chandler:  No I’m not!  There’s nothing wrong with my swimmers! 

 

Monica:  You’re still going!

 

(the Doctor enters)

 

Dr. Newer:  Hello again. 

 

Chandler:  Well?

 

Monica:  Chandler, give her a chance to speak!  Sorry about my husband, he sometimes forgets to be polite.  So, what are the results?

 

Chandler:  And you’re not impatient?!

 

Dr. Newer:  Do you guys want me to come back after you finish fighting?

 

Chandler/Monica:  No. 

 

Dr. Newer:  Well I have some good news, you’re pregnant. 

 

Monica:  I’m pregnant?

 

Dr. Newer:  Yup.

 

Monica (to Chandler):  Did you hear that?  I’m pregnant!

 

Chandler:  Congratulations, I love you!

 

Dr. Newer:  Shall we do an ultrasound to determine how far along you are?

 

Monica:  Let’s do it!

 

Chandler:  No offense Monica, but I don’t think having sex right here and now is appropriate. 

 

Monica:  Would you please just once not make a mockery out of everything!

 

Chandler:  Sorry.

 

Dr. Newer (to Chandler):  I thought it was funny. 

 

PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Ross has gone to see Phoebe.  He knocks on her door)

 

Phoebe (who is naked):  Come in.

 

Ross:  Hey Pheebs! (sees that she’s naked)  Phoebe!  Put some clothes on!  What the hell are you doing?!

 

Phoebe (covering up):  Oops.  I was cleaning!

 

Ross:  You clean in the nude?

 

Phoebe:  You don’t?  (Ross shakes his head no)  You should try it sometime, it’s liberating.  I’ll be right back.

 

Ross:  With clothes on I hope. 

 

(Phoebe returns)

 

Phoebe (in a robe):  Sorry about that, I wasn’t expecting company. 

 

Ross:  Then why did you tell me to come in?

 

Phoebe:  I had ordered a pizza.

 

Ross:  And you were gonna answer the door like that?

 

Phoebe:  Sure.  I always order pizza when I’m cleaning.  Besides, the pizza delivery person is a woman.  She’s seen me naked a hundred times. 

 

Ross:  When she delivers your pizza?

 

Phoebe:  And at the gym.  Anyway, what’s up?

 

Ross:  Ah, Joey said that you’re sad that he’s getting married. 

 

Phoebe:  So?

 

Ross:  He also said that you wouldn’t tell him why. 

 

Phoebe:  So?

 

Ross:  So I figured I’d come and talk with you and see if I can help. 

 

Phoebe:  That’s really sweet, but really, I’m fine. 

 

Ross:  So are you sad?

 

Phoebe:  A little, but I’ll get over it. 

 

Ross:  Why are you sad?

 

Phoebe:  I can’t tell you that. 

 

Ross:  Come on Pheebs, what is it?

 

Phoebe:  It’s not your problem.  I’ll deal with it myself. 

 

Ross:  Are you pregnant?

 

Phoebe:  No!  What would make you think that?!

 

Ross:  Sorry, you said you had a problem.  I thought you might be pregnant.

 

Phoebe:  Well I’m not!

 

Ross:  Please don’t get mad, I was just trying to help. 

 

Phoebe:  Well stop trying to help.  I’m not gonna tell you what it is so why don’t you just drop it. 

 

Ross:  Ok.  I’m sorry Pheebs.  I have to get home, Rachel and I are going to dinner with her mom. 

 

Phoebe:  Are you gonna try to sleep with Rachel’s mom this time?

 

Ross:  What?!

 

Phoebe:  Sorry, I just saw American Pie again with Joey.

 

GYNECOLOGIST’S OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are having their ultrasound done)

 

Dr. Newer:  Well, it appears that you’re four weeks along. 

 

Monica:  Really?  I only have eight months left?

 

Dr. Newer:  Yes, it appears that way. 

 

Chandler:  These are gonna be the longest eight months of my life. (Monica glares at Chandler)  I didn’t mean to say that out loud. 

 

Monica:  Oh no!

 

Chandler:  What?

 

Monica:  I was pregnant during Ross and Rachel’s wedding. 

 

Chandler:  So?

 

Monica:  I got drunk at the wedding!  You’re not supposed to drink when you’re pregnant!  Is the baby gonna be ok?

 

Dr. Newer:  It’s way to early to tell, but it’s my bet that the baby will be fine.  You’re not the first person who got smashed and then found out that they were pregnant.  Do you smoke?

 

Monica:  No. 

 

Dr. Newer:  How about you Chandler?

 

Chandler:  Not really. 

 

Dr. Newer:  Not really? 

 

Chandler:  Once in a while when Monica’s not looking. 

 

Monica:   Chandler!  I’m gonna kill you!

 

Dr. Newer:  I take it that you’re not supposed to be smoking. 

 

Chandler:  No, I’m not.  But it’s so pleasurable, it’s almost better than sex. 

 

Monica:  Like you’ll be getting any in the next eight months anyway. 

 

Dr. Newer:  Actually, you can have sex during your pregnancy.

 

Monica:  Trust me, after today, he won’t be having any sex except with himself.

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross is cleaning in the nude)

 

Ross (VO)  This is so much fun!  I am totally naked and cleaning.  Whoa, I’d better watch how and where I hold the vacuum cleaner. 

 

(Rachel and her mom enter.  Ross doesn’t hear them due to the vacuum cleaner noise.  Rachel pulls the plug on the vacuum)

 

Rachel:  What the hell are you doing?!

 

Ross:  Uh oh.  Hi Rach, Mrs. Green.  I was just cleaning.  I’ll be right back.  (Ross runs to the bedroom)

 

Mrs. Green:  Now I see why you married him.  Impressive equipment. 

 

(Rachel goes into the bedroom)

 

Rachel:  What was that?

 

Ross:  I’m sorry, I was cleaning.  Phoebe told me to try it in the nude. 

 

Rachel:  And you listened to her?

 

Ross:  You should try it, it’s liberating. 

 

Rachel:  You’re an idiot.  You don’t clean in the nude when you’re new mother-in-law is coming to dinner!

 

Ross:  I’m sorry.  I just got carried away. 

 

Rachel:  You do that if my mother wasn’t right outside, I’d jump your bones. 

 

Ross:  Really?

 

Rachel:  Oh baby, you have no idea how sexy you looked. 

 

Ross:  What about the no meaningless sex thing?

 

Rachel:  You clean in the nude all the time, you can have all the meaningless sex you want. 

 

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT  (Chandler and Monica are present, but not really talking to each other)

 

Chandler:  Come on Mon, this is supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives, talk to me. 

 

Monica:  Every time talk to you, you have nothing but jokes to say. 

 

Chandler:  Look, I’m truly sorry about today.  I was just so excited that I’m gonna be a father that I just kept making cracks.  That’s what happens when I get excited and you know that. 

 

Monica:  Are you gonna be able to stay quiet?

 

Chandler:  About what?

 

Monica:  About me being pregnant.  No one is to know until I start to show.  I don’t want to jinx it. 

 

Chandler:  No one will find out.  I won’t say anything.  You can cut off my head if I squeal.  It’s our secret. 

 

Monica:  You’re lucky I haven’t cut off your head yet.  Of course I wouldn’t be currently pregnant if I had done that. 

 

Chandler (cringing):  Ah, I meant cut of the other head. 

 

Monica:  I didn’t. 

 

PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)

 

Joey:  So you’re still not gonna tell me what’s bothering you?

 

Phoebe:  No.  It’s a secret. 

 

Joey:  It’s not a secret if you’re the only one who knows about it. 

 

Phoebe:  You really want me to tell you?

 

Joey:  Yeah, I do. 

 

Phoebe:  You think you can handle the truth?

 

Joey:  Yeah.  I can handle the truth.  What is it?

 

Phoebe:  Well I’m not gonna tell you.  I don’t think you can handle it. 

 

(Joey tackles Phoebe and pins her to the floor)

 

Joey:  Tell me now or I’ll tickle you to death.  (starts tickling her)

 

Phoebe:  Ok, ok.  Stop, Stop!

 

Joey:  Why are you sad that I’m getting married?

 

Phoebe:  I’m not telling you!

 

Joey:  Fine, have it your way!  (starts tickling her again)

 

Phoebe:  Stop!  Ok! I promise, I’ll tell you!

 

Joey:  What is it?

 

Phoebe:  I’m sad that you’re getting married because I thought that you’d wind up marrying me.  There I said it, are you happy now?  (Joey looks at Phoebe in shock)

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Monica and Chandler are present)

 

Rachel (to Monica):  Did Ross tell you, we’re trying to have a baby.

 

Monica:  That’s so great! 

 

Chandler:  Yes, we’d have a baby but Monica already has one. 

 

Ross:  Huh?

 

Chandler:  Me.