THE ONE WITH THE SEX GURU

 

Story By:†† Ethan & Nina †††††††††††† †††††††††††††

Written by:†† Ethan

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Ross (to Joey):So did Courteney move in yet?

 

Joey:Yup.As of today, sheís my new roommate.

 

Phoebe:Did you guys get the house?

 

Monica:We find out today.

 

Chandler:Weíll get it, I have my lucky underwear on.

 

Rachel:Too much information.

 

Joey:Man I wish I had lucky underwear.

 

Chandler:And weíd appreciate it if you would wear underwear when youíre wearing shorts.The little general is saluting the entire coffee house.

 

Joey (standing up):Oops!

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are present)

 

Chandler:The phoneís not gonna ring if you keep staring at it.

 

Monica:I know, I just want that house so bad.

 

Chandler:I do too honey, but if itís meant to be, itís meant to be.

 

Monica:What do you wanna do?

 

Chandler:How about a little game of pocket pool?

 

Monica:Uh, that would be kinda hard since we donít have a pool table.

 

Chandler:Think about it.

 

Monica (getting it):I suppose you could stick your cue into the pocket.

 

Chandler:As long as your gentle with the balls this time.

 

Monica:Ok!

 

(Monica and Chandler make a move towards their bedroom as Phoebe enters)

 

Phoebe:Hey guys.

 

Monica:Phoebe, what are you doing here?

 

Phoebe:Nothing, just came by to say hi and see if you heard about the house.

 

Chandler:Hi. Goodbye.

 

Monica:We havenít heard anything.

 

Phoebe:Ok, well Iíll let you guys get back to your sex, Iíll go say hi to Joey and Courteney.

 

Chandler:How did she know we were gonna have sex?

 

Monica:I think the fact that your fly is open and youíre pitching a tent gave it away.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Joey and Courteney are present)

 

Courteney:How are the wedding plans coming along?

 

Ross:Everythingís done.

 

Rachel:Did you guys get fitted for your tuxes?

 

Joey:Yeah, he made us do it yesterday.I still donít see why we have to wear tuxes.

 

Rachel:Itís a wedding.No, itís my wedding and I say youíre wearing tuxes.

 

Ross:Ahem.

 

Rachel:Bless you.

 

Ross:Ahem!

 

Rachel:Oh right, itís your wedding too.††

 

(Phoebe enters)

 

Joey:Hey Pheebs, howís it hanging?

 

Phoebe:Well since I forgot to put on my bra, about three inches lower than normal.

 

Rachel:What ya been doing?

 

Phoebe:I walked in on Chandler and Monica having sex.

 

Ross:Gross!Were they naked and stuff?

 

Courteney:Well if they werenít, they werenít doing it right.

 

Phoebe:Donít worry, they werenít naked.Like Iíd wanna see that.Well Monica maybe, but definitely not Chandler.

 

Joey:Amen to that.

 

Rachel:But you said you walked in on them having sex.

 

Phoebe:They were about to have sex.They were all over each other and Chandler was pitching a pup tent, if you know what I mean.

 

(Chandler and Monica enter)

 

Chandler:Hello children.Courteney.

 

Monica:Hey guys, whatís up?

 

Courteney:Why donít you ask Chandler?

 

Rachel:That was fast.What are you guys doing here already?

 

Monica:Huh?

 

Ross:Having stamina problems again Chandler?

 

Chandler:No.What are you talking about?

 

Monica:Honey, itís ok, it happens to every guy.

 

Chandler:Monica!

 

Joey:Hey, speak for yourself there Mon, it doesnít happen to me.

 

Ross:Me either.

 

Rachel:Ross, itís not nice to lie.

 

Ross:You werenít complaining last night!

 

Phoebe:Enough!Doesnít anyone want to help me solve my problem?

 

Chandler:I do!Whatís the matter?

 

Phoebe:Well itís kinda of a relationship problem.

 

Joey:Heís good at solving those.

 

Phoebe:Ok.Chandler, how can I get Ryan to last longer?

 

Monica:Thatís definitely not a problem Chandler can solve.

 

(Chandler leaves in a huff)

 

VICTORIAíS SECRET (Rachel is working.A co-worker comes in to see her)

 

Co-worker:Rachel, thereís someone here to see you.

 

Rachel:Iím kinda busy right now Betsy, tell them to come back later.

 

Betsy:I donít think I can do that.

 

Rachel (snappy) Itís really easy, just say ďsheís busy right now, please come back laterĒ.

 

Betsy:You donít understand.He really wants to see you and I think youíre gonna wanna see him.

 

Rachel:Look, just tell Ross that I donít have time for him right now, I have to get this report done for corporate.Trust me, heíll understand.

 

Betsy:Itís not Ross.

 

Rachel:Then who is it?

 

Betsy:Brad Pitt.

 

(Rachel gets a look of shock on her face)

 

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY(Ross is teaching his class.Half the class is asleep the other isnít paying attention)

 

Ross:Alright, thatís it for today.Before you go, just a reminder, your final exam is next week and based on your midterms, half of this class needs at least a B to pass this course.Please study, I want a brand new class of sleeping students for next semester, not a bunch of repeaters.See you guys next week.(The class doesnít move and is suddenly very interested about something in the classroom)Did you guys hear me?I said get out of my classroom.(The entire class still doesnít move)Whatís the matter with you people?

 

Voice:I think itís me that theyíre interested in.

 

Ross:Jennifer, what the hell are you doing here?

 

JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are hanging out)

 

Chandler:I donít know what Iím gonna do.

 

Joey:About what?

 

Chandler:Havenít you been listening to me?

 

Joey:About what?

 

Chandler:My problem.

 

Joey:Whatís your problem?

 

Chandler:Thatís what I have been talking to you about.

 

Joey:Oh that, yeah, Iíve totally been listening to you.

 

Chandler:So what should I do?

 

Joey:Just do it.

 

Chandler:Do what?

 

Joey:It.

 

Chandler:You have no idea what weíve been talking about do you?

 

Joey:Sure I do.You should just do it.

 

Chandler:Do what?

 

Joey:Monica.

 

Chandler:Thatís the problem.

 

Joey:Doing Monica is the problem?

 

Chandler:When you suddenly canít last longer than it takes for a good looking hooker to be snatched up at the whorehouse, itís a problem.

 

Joey:Thatís what this is about?Stamina?Dude, donít worry about it.Do what I do.

 

Chandler:What do you do?

 

Joey:I donít worry about it.I just told you that.Are you not listening to me now?

 

Chandler:But sheís making a big deal out of this problem.Sheís got a stopwatch by her bedside for Christís sake.She started timing how long it takes me and my times keep getting shorter and shorter!Itís a pressure cooker in there man!A pressure cooker!

 

Joey:Ok, ok.Calm down.I think you need to see an expert.

 

Chandler:Who?

 

Joey:Phoebe.

 

Chandler:Phoebe?

 

Joey:I had to learn Joey love from somebody.Phoebe is the person to see.Sheíll have you lasting so long that Monica will be begging you to release the fleet.

 

VICTORIAíS SECRET (Rachel has brought Brad into her office.The rest of the office has gathered outside her door)

 

Rachel:Ah, what are you doing here?

 

Brad:Weíre here for the wedding.

 

Rachel:We?

 

Brad:Jennifer and I.

 

Rachel:Ok. But the wedding isnít for another four weeks.Donít you think youíre a little early?

 

Brad:Yeah, but itís been a while since I was in New York and Jennifer wanted to show me the City.

 

Rachel:And you coming to my office is part of your sightseeing?

 

Brad:No, Jen and I just thought it would be funny if we each showed up and yours and Rossís work.We get a kick out of watching how everyone reacts.

 

Rachel (opening her door to reveal all the people at her door):You mean like this?

 

Brad:Exactly.Hi everyone.

 

Office:Hi.

 

Rachel (shutting the door):Bye guys.(to Brad)Thereís gonna be rumors.

 

Brad:Thatís the down part of going out in public and visiting attractive girl friends.

 

Rachel (blushing):You think Iím attractive?

 

Brad:I could mistake you for my wife if I wasnít careful.

 

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross and Jennifer are standing in front of Rossís class)

 

Ross:Guys, I said you could leave five minutes ago.

 

Jennifer:Ross, let me handle this.(turns to face class)Hi class.Yes Iím Jennifer Aniston and Iím Doctor Gellerís friend.Itís very nice to meet all of you.Now get the hell out of his classroom!(the whole class gets up to leave) Oh, and donít forget to study for your final exam.

 

Ross:That, that was unbelievable.What are you doing here?

 

Jennifer:Your wedding.

 

Ross:Thatís in like four weeks.Seriously why are you here?

 

Jennifer:Your wedding.Brad and I wanted to come early and take in the sights and hang out with you and Rachel and your friends.I hope thatís not a problem.

 

Ross:No, no problem.Weíre happy to have you.

 

Jennifer:No, weíre not staying with you, weíre staying at the Mark Hopkins.

 

Ross:Oh.Hey, did you happen to see the National Enquirer after I visited LA?

 

Jennifer:The one that said you were my adulterous affair?

 

Ross:Thatís the one!That was pretty cool!(Jennifer just looks at Ross)Ok, it was cool for me.

 

PHOEBEíS APARTMENT(Phoebe is reading the couch.Thereís a knock at the door.)

 

Phoebe:Go away, I donít wanna be converted to be a Jehovahís Witness this week.

 

Chandler:Phoebe, itís Chandler, open the door.

 

Phoebe:Oh, hey Chandler.Whatís up?Still running the 100-yard dash when youíre supposed to be running a mile?

 

Chandler:You gave her the stopwatch didnít you?(Phoebe just laughs)Thanks a lot, my performance keeps getting worse.

 

Phoebe:Joey sent you I see.

 

Chandler:Yeah.He said you were the sex guru.

 

Phoebe:Well youíve come to the right place.Iíll have you lasting longer than it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll.Are you ready to get naked?

 

Chandler:Me and you?

 

Phoebe:No, just you.

 

Chandler:Right here?

 

Phoebe:If you want, but I really prefer if you did it in the bathroom. Iím not really into watching.

 

Chandler:Uh, exactly what am I gonna be doing?

 

Phoebe:Flogging the log.

 

Chandler:Huh?

 

Phoebe:You know, flogging the log, choking the chicken.

 

Chandler:Gotcha.What are you gonna be doing?

 

Phoebe:Giving you instructions through the door.You follow my instructions, youíll last as long as you want to last.

 

Chandler:Ah Pheebs, how did you learn about this?

 

Phoebe:Yeah, I used to be a Call Girl.

 

Chandler:As in sex for hire?

 

Phoebe:Yeah.

 

Chandler:When?When you were living on the streets?

 

Phoebe:God no.In the 1930s.It was the Great Depression you know.I had to make money somehow.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Monica, Joey and Courteney are present.Thereís a mob outside the coffeehouse)

 

Ross:Look at all the people outside.

 

Jennifer:Yeah, weíre used to that.

 

Rachel:You guys really donít have to stay at the Mark Hopkins.You can stay with Ross and I.

 

Jennifer:Thatís ok.Our suite is twice as large as your apartment.

 

Ross:Can we stay with you?

 

Joey:So Brad, youíre an actor?

 

Brad:Yeah.What do you do?

 

Courteney:Joeyís Dr. Ross Greco on General Hospital. Heís a neurosurgeon.

 

Brad:You donít say.Have you done any movies?

 

Joey:I was gonna be the lead in Shutter Speed but they shut it down because of funding problems.Oh and I recently got the lead in another movie, The Adventures of Larry The Lounge Lizard, but I found out on the first day of shooting that it was a porno movie so I walked off the set.

 

Brad:Tough breaks.

 

Joey:Yeah, but I make good money playing Dr. Ross Greco.

 

Brad:Yeah.I just finished Oceanís Eleven.I made pretty good money too.

 

Joey:Really?How much?

 

Monica (who has been staring at Brad the whole time):Joey!

 

Brad:Itís ok Monica.I made $20 million.

†††

Joey:Holy @#$%!That would buy a lot of pizza and beer.

 

Brad:Iím gonna get some more coffee.Anyone need anything?

 

Monica:Why donít I help you?

 

Brad:Ok.But I think I can carry my own coffee.

 

(Brad and Monica leave)

 

Jennifer:Seems like someone is smittened with my husband.

 

Rachel:Yeah.She really loves his movies.Sheís seen them all.

 

Jennifer:Sheís married to the funny one right?

 

Rachel:Yeah.

 

Ross:So Jen, howís my lover been?

 

Jennifer:Pretty good honey, how you doin?

 

Joey:Hey!Thatís my line!

 

(At the counter.Brad is ordering coffee from Gunther)

 

Brad:Could I get some coffee, black, two sugars please.

 

Gunther:Sure.I really dug you in Meet Joe Black.

 

Brad:Youíre probably the only one.That movie really sucked.††

 

Monica:I liked it too.

 

Brad:I kinda figured that.Do you want anything?

 

Monica:No.

 

Brad:You just wanna stare at me some more?

 

Monica:If thatís ok?

 

Brad:Not a problem.†††

 

Monica:Ok!

 

Gunther:Hereís your coffee.Oh, and Iíll see you at Rachel and Iís wedding.

 

Brad:What?

 

Gunther:Nothing, I mean Iíll see you at Ross and Rachelís wedding.

 

Brad:†† Oh yeah.Hereís your tip. (hands him a $20 and walks away)

 

Gunther:Thanks you cheap bastard.†††

 

(Brad and Monica have returned to their seats. Chandler and Phoebe enter)

 

Joey:Youíre done playing with yourself already?

 

Chandler:Shut up Joey!

 

Phoebe:That man beat his meat so hard he developed callouses on his right hand.

 

Chandler:Phoebe!

 

Jennifer (to Ross):Is he having stamina problems?

 

Ross:Yeah.We sent him to the sex guru.

 

Jennifer:Phoebe?

 

Ross:Sheís the experienced one.

 

Jennifer:I should send Brad to her.

 

Brad:I heard that Jennifer Joanna Aniston Pitt.

 

Chandler:Mon.(Monica doesnít stop staring at Brad)Mon!(still staring)Mon!

 

Brad (to Monica):Your husband is calling you.

 

Monica:Yeah honey?

 

Chandler:We have to go upstairs.The realtor supposed to be calling at any time now.††

 

Monica:Alright.Bye guys, bye Brad.

 

Brad:Bye Monica.(to the others)Sheís really starting to scare me.

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are waiting by the phone)

 

Chandler:This doesnít look good.

 

Monica:What do you mean?Itís only 5:30.

 

Chandler:No, the old couple across the street is doing it again.

 

Monica:Doing what?

 

Chandler:Letís just say the old woman is dressed up as a dominatrix.

 

(the phone rings)

 

Monica:Hello?(pause)This is Monica Geller, I mean Monica Bing.(pause) Oh.Ok.Thanks anyway.(Monica hangs up the phone)

 

Chandler:Who was that?

 

Monica:That was the realtor.They sold the house to someone else.

 

Chandler:I must have put on the wrong underwear.

 

Monica:I wanted that house so bad.God, weíre never gonna escape the City.

 

Chandler:Come here.(takes Monica in his arms)Weíre gonna find a place.A place weíre we can start a family and raise all the kids you want.

 

Monica:Really?

 

Chandler:Yeah.Now I have to take off my unlucky underwear, do you wanna help?

 

Monica:No.Iím not in the mood.

 

Chandler (picking up Monica and carrying her to the bedroom):I wanna show you what I learned today and youíre gonna like it!

 

Monica:I guess I have two minutes.

 

(Cut to fifty minutes later.A haggard Monica, in her bathrobe, emerges from the bedroom)

 

Monica:Oh my God! What have I done?

 

Chandler (from the bedroom):Come back here, I still havenít finished!

 

Monica:Well Iíve finished eight times already and I canít finish anymore!My God, what did she teach you?

 

Chandler (emerging from the bedroom):Not bad eh?I guess you can return the stopwatch to Phoebe.

 

(Joey quietly enters the apartment)

 

Monica:If you keep that up, weíre never gonna have kids.Youíve got to sow your oats.Youíve got to give me your seed.My egg needs your seed!Shower my body with your love juice!

 

Joey:If he wonít, I will.

 

Monica:How long have you been standing there?

 

Joey:Long enough.(to Chandler)Way to go man.Make her beg for it!

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are cuddling on the couch)

 

Ross:Itís so cool that Brad and Jennifer showed up unexpected.

 

Rachel:Yeah, I guess.

 

Ross:Whatís the matter?Arenít you glad they came?

 

Rachel:I dunno.Arenít you worried about them being at the wedding?

 

Ross:No.Why would you worry about that?

 

Rachel:Theyíre gonna steal my day.

 

Ross:What are you talking about?They came for us.You invited them, remember?

 

Rachel:I know, I know.Itís just a circus whenever theyíre around.You saw how packed the coffee house was.We hugged them goodbye and hundreds of flashes went off.Itís just a friggin circus.

 

Ross:Itís gonna be fine.If you want, Iíll ask them to keep a low profile.

 

Rachel:Itís not that, I want to see them too.I just wish we didnít have to be at the center of attention.

 

Ross:Do you want to the center of attention at our wedding?

 

Rachel:Of course I do.I just donít know if itíll be possible with Brad and Jen there.

 

Ross:What do you wanna do?Uninvite them?

 

Rachel:Maybe.Maybe we should just talk to them.

 

THE MARK HOPKINS HOTEL (Ross and Rachel have come to see Brad and Jennifer.Brad however, is not present)

 

Jennifer:Hey guys, come on in.I was just preparing to shower.Do you wanna join me?

 

Ross:I do!

 

Rachel:Ross!

 

Jennifer (to Ross):Sheís not aware of my sense of humor yet is she?

 

Ross:No.Now about that showerÖ

 

Jennifer:Whatís up?

 

Rachel:Whereís Brad?

 

Jennifer:Brad, yeah, he went to Phoebeís.

 

Ross:For what?

 

Jennifer:To get the same lesson Chandler got.So whatís going on?

 

Ross:Ah, Rachel has some concerns that she wanted to address with you and Brad.

 

Jennifer:You donít want us to come to the wedding do you?

 

Rachel:No, no.

 

Jennifer:Rachel?

 

Rachel:Yeah?

 

Jennifer:You donít want us to come to the wedding.

 

Rachel:If that wouldnít be a problem.

 

Jennifer:I knew this was gonna happen.

 

Ross:You did?

 

Jennifer:Yeah.Every time we get invited to events with our non-celebrity friends, this happens.We cause too much commotion and they ask us to step back.

 

Rachel:Itís not that we donít want you there, Ďcause we really do, it just thatÖ.

 

Jennifer:If we come, weíll be the center of attention and you guys wonít be.I understand.We understand.Brad and I will leave in the morning.

 

Ross:Iím so sorry Jen.Thanks for understanding.

 

Jennifer:Not a problem.Iíll see you guys later.

 

(Ross and Rachel leave)

 

Rachel:I feel horrible.

 

Ross:I really think they understand.

 

Rachel:This isnít right.(Rachel knocks on the door)

 

Jennifer:Oh, hey.Decided youíd take me up on my shower offer?

 

Ross:I did!

 

Rachel:You guys are coming to wedding and youíre not leaving tomorrow.

 

Jennifer:Huh?

 

Rachel:You guys are our friends and it wouldnít be right if I, if we, didnít have you at our wedding.Bring on the paparazzi, I donít care.Besides, Monica would kill me if she found out I sent Brad home early.

 

Jennifer:Ok.Weíll be there.Actually, weíll meet you for coffee tomorrow.Are you sure you guys donít want to shower with me?

 

Rachel:Now that you mention it, it wouldnít be the first time I showered with another woman.

 

Ross:What?!

 

Jennifer:Monica?

 

Rachel:Yeah.

 

Ross:You showered with my sister?!

 

Rachel:Yeah, when were eight, would you grow up!

 

Ross:Oh.

 

Rachel (whispering in Jenniferís ear):And when were 22.Donít tell Ross.

 

CLOSING CREDITS†††

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are waiting for Brad and Jennifer to show up)

 

Ross:Where in the hell are they?

 

Rachel:Maybe they got caught in traffic.

 

(Jennifer and Brad enter)

 

Brad:Hey, sorry weíre late.

 

Ross:Traffic?

 

Jennifer:Mr. Tantric over there wouldnít give it up.

 

Rachel (to Ross):Youíre going to see Phoebe this afternoon!