THE ONE WITH THE SHOTGUN WEDDING

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Phoebe and Chandler are present)

Joey: Call in sick again Chandler?

Chandler: No, itís a vacation day.

Phoebe: How much vacation do you get?

Chandler: Four weeks.

Joey: So you pretty much take two months off from work with your sick days and all.

Chandler: Yeah.

Phoebe: Can you get me a job there?

Chandler: Phoebe, youíre a multi-millionaire, you donít need to work.

Phoebe: Yeah but Iíve never had a job where I got four weeks of vacation and unlimited sick days.

Chandler: I donít get unlimited sick days.

Joey: Then how do you account for all those sick days you take?

Chandler: Easy, I charge them to different members of my staff.

OPENING CREDITS

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel is getting Ben ready for school)

Rachel: Hurry up Ben or youíre gonna miss the bus.

Ben (emerging from the babyís bedroom): I donít feel too good Mommy.

Rachel: Whatís the matter sweetie?

Ben: I have a stomach ache.

Rachel: Do you need to stay home?

Ben: I think so. I wouldnít want to get to school and then barf all over the playground.

Rachel: Thanks for the visual Ben. Ok, back to bed.

Ben: Can I lie on the couch instead?

Rachel: Sure. Iíve got to call Auntie Monica so she can watch you while I go to work.

Ben: Canít you call Uncle Chandler?

Rachel: Uncle Chandlerís at work.

Ben: No heís not, he told me he was taking the week off.

Rachel: I guess Uncle Chandler could watch you. Iíll call him.

Ben: Great!

Rachel: You donít seem really sick there mister.

Ben: No, Iím sick. I think Iím gonna go throw up. (Ben goes to the bathroom)

Rachel (on the phone to Chandler): Chandler? (pause) Itís Rachel. Can you watch Ben today? Heís got the stomach flu or something. (pause) Yeah, Ross will be home by 3pm. (pause) Great. Iíll see you in five.

JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)

Joey: How you doin?

Phoebe: Iím bored.

Joey: Wanna go have sex?

Phoebe: With you?

Joey: Is there somebody else I donít know about?

Phoebe: No. You know the deal, no sex until after weíre married.

Joey: Youíre killing me here!

Phoebe: Itís only been three days!

Joey: The longest three days of my life! Letís go get married right now! I need sex!

Phoebe: Ok.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: Iíll marry you today. Itíll cut short my punishment time.

Joey: You know about that?

Phoebe: Of course. Like youíd ever take a wife.

Joey: True. So we get married today and then divorce in five years from today.

Phoebe: Five years?! Itís not like I killed Hugsy, I just kidnapped him.

Joey: Donít do the crime if you canít do the time.

Phoebe: How about one year?

Joey: Yeah, I think thatís much better. Oh, and itís not like we canít see other people.

Phoebe: Thatís pretty much a given with you.

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross is finishing his first lecture)

Ross: So, as you can see, the Velociraptor was a lean mean eating machine. The only thing that it couldnít eat were humans Ďcause we didnít exist then.

Student #1: What do you mean we didnít exist? In Jurassic Park we co-existed with dinosaurs.

Ross: Ok, for the last time. Jurassic Park was a movie. A movie. No island in the world has dinosaurs living on it today. Dinosaurs existed over 65 million years ago. The first hominid didnít appear until 200,000 years ago.

Student #2: Whatís a hominid?

Ross: Something you shouldíve learned by now. (the bell rings) Thatís it for today. Mid-terms are in two weeks. Iíd tell you to study but for most of you itís not gonna make a difference.

(Joey approaches)

Joey: Seriously, whatís a hemorrhoid?

Ross: Itís hominid.

Joey: Sorry, whatís a hominid?

Ross: They were the first primates to walk on two feet. Humans evolved from hominids.

Joey: Oh. Then whatís a hemorrhoid?

Ross: Whyíd you come down here Joey?

Joey: Will you be my best man at my wedding?

Ross: I thought Chandler was your best man.

Joey: He was but heís not available right now.

Ross: What do you mean right now?

Joey: Phoebe and I are getting married today at noon down at the Hall of Justice.

Ross: Are you serious?

Joey: When am I never serious?

Ross: But IĎve got a class to teach at 1:30.

Joey: Dude, this is like a Vegas wedding, itíll only take ten minutes.

ALLESANDROíS (Monica is working in the kitchen)

Waitress: Thereís someone here to see you.

Monica: Not now. Iím busy getting ready for the lunch rush.

Waitress: She says itís really important.

Monica: Whatís her name?

Waitress: Regina Filange.

Monica: Send her back. (under her breath) This better be important Phoebe.

Phoebe: Hey Mon. Wassup?

Monica: Iím in the middle of getting ready for the lunch rush. What do you need?

Phoebe: Is that any way to treat a bride-to-be?

Monica: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: Joey and I are getting married at noon today. Can you be my Matron of Honor?

Monica: No. Iím the head chef, I canít leave.

Phoebe: What if I called in a health code violation?

Monica: Then youíd lose a friend for life. Go ask Rachel, sheíll do it. Itís her lunch hour after all.

Phoebe: Donít you get a lunch hour?

Monica: No, I cook through lunch. Thatís why they call it the lunch rush.

Phoebe: As in rushing for the toilet after they eat here?

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Fine, Iíll go ask Rachel. Donít expect to be the Matron of Honor at my next wedding though.

Monica: Iíll take my chances Phoebe.

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Chandler is watching Ben)

Chandler: So how are you feeling there champ?

Ben: I feel great. Wanna go to the park?

Chandler: We canít. Youíre sick.

Ben: Iím not sick. I just tricked Mommy Rachel into thinking that I was sick. I canít believe she fell for it. Mommy Carol and Mommy Susan never let me stay home from school when I say I have a stomach ache. They always give me Pepto Bismol and send me to school. Mommy Rachelís just clueless.

Chandler: Who taught you to do that?

Ben: You did.

Chandler: Thatís impossible.

Ben: No, Daddyís always talking about how you never go to work because youíre always sick or something. I just learned from listening to my Daddy.

Chandler: So you wanna go to the park?

Ben: Yeah!

Chandler: Whereís the park?

Ben: How am I supposed to know? Iím just a kid.

Chandler: Look, Iíll take you to the park under one condition. You are not to say anything to your Dad or Mommy Rachel. Do you understand what Iím saying?

Ben: Sure. You donít want Daddy and Mommy to know that I pretended to be sick to stay home from school.

Chandler: You are a smart kid.

Ben: I know. Too bad Mommy Rachel isnít smart.

VICTORIAíS SECRET (Rachel is working at her desk as Phoebe comes in)

Phoebe: Hi!

Rachel: What are you doing here?

Phoebe: I need a favor.

Rachel: For the last time, Iím not setting you up with our copy guy.

Phoebe: No, I need you to be my Matron of Honor.

Rachel: Isnít it Maid of Honor?

Phoebe: No, when youíre a married woman itís Matron of Honor.

Rachel: Iíd be happy to be your Matron of Honor Pheebs, but couldnít this have waited until I got off work?

Phoebe: No. I need you to come to the courthouse with me today at noon. Joey and I are getting married today.

Rachel: Are you serious?

Phoebe: For once, yes. Dead serious.

Rachel: Oh my God! Youíre really gonna marry Joey?!

Phoebe: Yeah, I have to serve my punishment.

Rachel: Punishment?

Phoebe: For stealing Hugsy. I have to stay married to Joey for one year.

Rachel: And you agreed to this?

Phoebe: What? Itís not like we canít see other people while weíre married. So will you do it?

Rachel: I suppose I could use my lunch hour to help you out.

Phoebe: Yeah! I knew youíd do it, or I should say, Monica knew youíd do it.

Rachel: You already asked Monica?

Phoebe: Yeah, but she said no. Sheíll be the Matron of Honor at my next wedding.

Rachel: Are you like trying to catch up to Ross in the number of weddings category?

Phoebe: Huh. I guess so. Look, will you do it?

Rachel: Yeah. Let me tell Edna that Iím going to lunch.

Phoebe: Whoís Edna?

Rachel: My temp secretary.

Phoebe: You needed a temp secretary and you didnít ask me?

Rachel: Only sane people can work here Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh. That makes sense then.

THE PARK (Ben and Chandler are on the swings)

Chandler: You know when I was little boy, my friends and I use to see who could get the highest.

Ben: Whatís so special about that?

Chandler: Apparently nothing. What do you and your friends do?

Ben: We see who can get the highest and then jump from the swing.

Chandler: But weíre not doing that today.

Ben: Why not?

Chandler: Because you could get hurt and youíre supposed to be at home watching TV on the couch. Youíre sick, remember?

Ben: Just watch, Iíll be fine.

Chandler: Donít do it Ben! Donít do it! (Ben jumps off the swing and lands safely) He didnít listen to me!

Ben: Itís your turn Uncle Chandler!

Chandler: I donít think so Ben.

Ben: What? Are you chicken?

Chandler: No, Iím not chicken. Adults donít jump off swings.

Ben: Youíre chicken. Bawk, bawk, bawk, Uncle Chandlerís chicken!

Chandler: Here we go! (Chandler gets real high and jumps, landing awkwardly) F@#$, that hurt. My ankle, my ankle. Mother of Jesus, I think I broke my ankle.

Ben: Are you ok Uncle Chandler?

Chandler: No, Iím in pain! Go get my cell phone!

Ben: Is your peepee stuck in the zipper again?

Chandler: I wish. That pain doesnít compare to this! Go get my cell phone and call 911. Tell them where we are and have them send an ambulance.

Ben: Should I call Mommy Rachel?

Chandler: God no! Just call for the ambulance. Do you know how to do that?

Ben: 911, right?

Chandler: Good boy, now go!

NEW YORK CITY COURTHOUSE (Joey, Phoebe, Ross and Rachel are present)

Ross: So are you guys nervous?

Joey: Nervous? Why? When weíre done I get to have sex again baby!

Rachel: I now see the real motive behind this union.

Phoebe: Hey, the no sex thing was hard for me too. It takes a woman a lot longer to get there all by herself if you know what I mean.

Ross: What about you Joey?

Joey: Same time. Itís like clockwork for me.

Clerk: Tribbiani-Buffay party, youíre up next.

Ross: You guys are sure you wanna do this?

Joey: Did you not hear me say that I get to have sex with Phoebe after this is all over?

Rachel: Theyíre ready Ross.

(Phoebe, Joey, Ross and Rachel go into the courtroom)

Justice of the Peace: Hello, my name is Kerry and I will be marrying Phoebe and Joey today. Phoebe and Joey, if you would please step forward. Can I see your marriage license please?

Joey: Yeah, Iíve got a question about that. Is there like an expiration date on that?

Kerry: No. Itís for the life of the marriage.

Joey: Oh, so when we get a divorce in a year the license will be no more?

Kerry: Youíre getting a divorce in one year?

Phoebe: No, no. Heís just stupid.

Joey: Look whoís talking.

Kerry: Could you guys wait to fight until after the ceremony?

Joey: Sorry.

Kerry: And who are your witnesses?

Joey: My best man is Dr. Ross Geller. Heís the goofy one over there.

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: You are goofy honey.

Phoebe: And my Matron of Honor is Rachel Geller.

Kerry: Very well. Letís get this over with. Iíve got a tee time at 1:30.

Ross: Thatís great to hear, Iíve got a class to teach at 1:30.

Rachel: Yeah, and I only get an hour for lunch so letís do this.

Phoebe: Wow, this is like a shotgun wedding!

Kerry: Ok. Letís start. Is there anyone here who has a reason why these two shouldnít wed?

Ross: Ah Kerry, weíre the only ones here.

Kerry: I know, but I thought about objecting myself and then I remembered I couldnít. Ok, on with the vows. Joey, do you take Phoebe to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Joey: What do I say?

Kerry: I do.

Joey: Oh right. Yes, I do.

Kerry: Phoebe, do you take Joey to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Phoebe: I do.

Kerry: May I have the rings please. (Ross and Rachel give Kerry their respective rings) Joey place this on Phoebeís finger as a symbol of your union. (Joey does) Phoebe, place this ring on Joeyís finger as a symbol of your union. (Phoebe does) By the powers vested in me by the State of New York, I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. (Phoebe and Joey start going at it) (to Ross and Rachel) Well I give these guys two years and then Iíll see them in divorce court. What about you?

Ross: A year and half tops.

Rachel: Iíll go with a year.

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ben and Chandler are present. Chandler has a cast on his left leg)

Chandler: Now what do we tell Dad and Mommy Rachel when they get home?

Ben: That I got sick on the floor and you slipped on it trying to get me to the bathroom and broke your ankle.

Chandler: Right.

Ben: Do I still get the $20?

Chandler: Yes, as long as Dad and Mommy Rachel fall for the story, you get $20.

Ben: Cool.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, and Monica are present)

Monica: Howís Ben?

Ross: Heís fine, why?

Rachel: Oh, Iím sorry honey. I forgot to tell you that Ben didnít feel well this morning and he had to stay home from school.

Ross: He didnít happen to have a stomach ache did he?

Rachel: Yeah. Howíd you know that?

Ross: Rach, itís the oldest trick in the book to get out of going to school. The fake stomach ache. Monica and I did that all the time to my Mother growing up. Except in Monicaís case, she usually had a stomach ache from all the chocolate she ate for breakfast.

Monica: Hey, Kit Kats have milk in them. It was a balanced breakfast.

Ross: Yeah thatís why you ate five for breakfast each morning.

Rachel: Wait a minute. Youíre telling me, youíre telling me that I was duped by an eight year old?

Ross: Pretty much. Donít worry honey, he did it to me once when he was in kindergarten.

Rachel: And I left him with Chandler all day.

Ross: You did what?!

Rachel: He was the only one who was free and besides, he asked for Chandler personally. (Ross gets up and heads for the door) Where are you going honey?

Ross: You left him with Chandler?! They could be anywhere by now! (Rachel rushes out with Ross)

Monica: Yeah, maybe having kids isnít a good idea.

JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey have just returned from the Courthouse)

Joey: That driver was really cool. I canít believe he let us have sex in his cab.

Phoebe: I gave him something a little extra.

Joey: $100?

Phoebe: More like a picture of my pierced nipples.

Joey: Good one. Ready to have sex again?

Phoebe: No. Donít you have an episode of General Hospital to shoot today?

Joey: No, Iím on a temporary leave of absence.

Phoebe: Whatíd ya do?

Joey: I had sex with one of the Key Grips on the set and got caught.

Phoebe: Did she have a good grip?

Joey: Not really.

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Chandler is now asleep and lying on the couch, Ben is watching TV on the floor. Ross and Rachel enter)

Ben: Uncle Chandler wake up! Daddy and Mommy are home!

Ross: Hey Ben, how are you feeling?

Ben: Better.

Rachel (noticing his cast): Chandler, what in Godís name happened to you?

Chandler: Ben started to get sick and I went to carry him to the toilet but I slipped on some of his, ah stuff, and broke my ankle.

Rachel: So you really were sick honey?

Ben: Of course Mommy. I know better than to lie to you.

Ross: Oh really. Then explain to me why Mrs. Scott saw you and Uncle Chandler at the park today.

Ben: We didnít go to the park today.

Ross: Oh and one other thing, Mrs. Scott saw Uncle Chandler break his ankle. She helped him stay calm before the paramedics got to him.

Chandler: That was Mrs. Scott?

Rachel (to Ben): Did you fake being sick today to play with Uncle Chandler?

Ben: Yes. Iím sorry.

Ross: Go to your room. Itís not nice to lie and itĎs wrong.

(Ben goes to his room)

Rachel: Chandler, are you completely stupid?

Chandler: As a matter of fact I am.

Rachel: You knew he wasnít sick didnít you?

Chandler: Yeah. I asked him if he was feeling better and he admitted that he duped you into thinking he was sick.

Ross: So you rewarded him by taking him to the park. Whatís the matter with you?

Chandler: I wish I hadnĎt. I broke my ankle jumping off the swing and now I have to wear this stupid cast for the next 4-6 weeks. And hey, Iím his fun Uncle Chandler. He wanted to go to the park so I caved. Big deal.

Ross: Ok, no more babysitting for you. Consider yourself fired.

Chandler: Fine. But Ben is fine and nothing happened to him. What was I supposed to do? Take him to school?

Rachel: Thereís an idea! That wouldíve been the adult thing to do.

Chandler: But since when have you considered me to be an adult?

Rachel: Right, what was I thinking?

Ross: Do you need help home?

Chandler: No, my crutches are right here. Iíll be fine. Iím sorry.

Ross: Itís alright. Just no more babysitting.

Chandler: There was no Mrs. Scott was there?

Rachel: I guess youíve joined the duped list.

CLOSING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler hobbles in as Monica comes out of their bedroom)

Monica: Oh my God! What did you do?

Chandler: I took Ben to the park and broke my ankle jumping off the swings.

Monica: You took your nephew to the park when he was sick?

Chandler: He duped me.

Monica: The boy is eight years old! How stupid are you? (pause) Wait, donít answer that question.

Chandler: Look, itís bad enough that I have to wear this cast for the next 4-6 weeks. Benís fine, in trouble with Ross and Rachel, but fine.

Monica: You do realize now that we can never have kids.

Chandler: Why not?

Monica: Iím having enough trouble raising you.