THE ONE WITH THE SHOWERS

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Joey: What time is it?

Phoebe: Time for you to get a watch.

Chandler: It’s 11:30.

Joey: Man, I was supposed to be on the set a half hour ago! I am so late! (Joey leaves)

Monica: Have any of you guys ever been late for work?

Chandler: All the time. I’m always late. I was supposed to be at work 3 hours ago, instead I’m having coffee with you guys.

Phoebe: And that’s why they promoted you?

Ross: I’ve never been late.

Rachel: Never?

Ross: Never.

Chandler: He’s been late for a final exam though.

Ross: Is that never talking about it again Chandler?

Monica: You were late for a final exam?

Ross: Not really.

Rachel: Come on honey, what happened?

Ross: Fine. I was late for my Biology final my sophomore year of college. It was Dr. Hernandez’s class, she was a real stickler about missing exams, she wouldn’t let you make them up.

Chandler: And what happened?

Ross: I rolled over and said “Dr. Hernandez, Dr. Hernandez wake up, we overslept and missed our Biology final”.

OPENING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica, Phoebe and Jennifer are present)

Jennifer: Thanks for letting me plan Rachel’s bridal shower with you guys. I’m glad you included me, it means a lot.

Monica: Not a problem.

Phoebe: Yeah, when you said you’d take care of the bill, it made the decision a lot easier.

Monica: Phoebe!

Jennifer: Hey, I’m just happy I could help. So when is the shower?

Monica: In two days.

Jennifer: In two days?

Phoebe: We like to plan under the gun.

Jennifer: Well I think were staring down the barrel of a howitzer.

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Joey, Chandler and Brad are hanging out)

Joey: Wanna beer Brad?

Brad: Yeah.

Chandler: I’ll take one too Joe.

Joey: Well get off your ass and get it yourself. What do I look like, your butler?

Brad: Are the girls throwing a shower for Rachel?

Joey: Who knows, who cares?

Chandler: Yeah, I think it’s in two days.

Brad: Think?

Chandler: Yeah. Monica told me that I was not allowed to be home between 3-7 pm two days from today.

Joey: Dude, what happened to you?

Chandler: I grew up and got married. You’ll learn these things once Courteney gets her grip on your manhood.

Joey: The only time she gets to grip on my manhood is when we’re hot and heavy, if you know what I mean.

Brad: You know what, we should have a bridal shower for Ross.

Joey: What? Are you gay or something?

Chandler: Excuse Joey Brad, but he’s right, in New York we don’t throw bridal showers for guys.

Brad: Fine. If you don’t want another excuse to get drunk and party, that’s fine with me.

Chandler: We could get drunk?

Brad: Like I’d wanna throw a real bridal shower. Let’s just call it a pre-bachelor party party.

Joey: Man, I was totally wrong about California guys, you aren’t all gay.

Brad: No, only the ones from San Francisco.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are arguing)

Ross: I don’t care, I don’t wanna have dinner with your Dad.

Rachel: What, so your just not gonna recognize that my Dad is gonna be your father-in-law?

Ross: Pretty much.

Rachel: Would you do it for me?

Ross: No way, you can’t use that again. You already used that for the honeymoon.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: I wanted to Aruba and you said no.

Rachel: I was supposed to go to Aruba with Barry, why on earth would I wanna go there for my honeymoon with you?

Ross: ‘Cause I wanna go there?

Rachel: We’re going to Jamaica.

Ross: How ‘bout you go to Jamaica and I go to Aruba?

Rachel: Face it Ross, we’re going to Jamaica.

Ross: Face it Rachel, I’m not sitting through another dinner with your father.

Rachel: Yes you are.

Ross: No, I’m not.

Rachel: You are.

Ross: I’m not.

Rachel: Then no sex for you.

Ross: That’s ok, it’s your time of the month anyway.

Rachel: Damn! Ok, ok, look, you go to dinner with my Dad and we’ll have all the sex you want on our honeymoon.

Ross: Like we weren’t gonna do that anyway.

Rachel: Ugh! What’s it gonna take?

Ross: Your mom has to be there too, she’s the only one in your family who likes me.

Rachel: I told you, we can’t have those two in the same room without them arguing.

Ross: I’m sure if you talk to your parents they’ll refrain from arguing for one meal.

Rachel: Forget it. I’m not going through that just to appease you.

Ross: Then I’m not having dinner with your father.

Rachel (walking away): Dinner with mom and dad it is. (Ross pumps his fist and jumps in the air) I saw that.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica, Phoebe and Jennifer are finalizing the bridal shower plans)

Monica: So I am handling the catering, Phoebe’s inviting everyone and Jen, you’re paying for it. Did I cover everything?

Phoebe: Who’s cleaning this sty?

Jennifer: What are you talking about? This place is spotless.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, what about that cookie crumb over there by the TV?

Monica (running to the TV): Where?! I’m gonna kill Chandler!

Phoebe: Kidding.

Monica: That’s not funny Phoebe!

Jennifer: Is she always like this?

Phoebe: We don’t call her Monica Anal Bing for nothing.

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Joey, Chandler and Brad are trying to figure out their party plans)

Joey: So I’m getting the keg?

Chandler: Yeah. I’ll get the hot dogs and hamburgers. What are you gonna do Brad?

Brad: Show up?

Chandler: Sounds good.

Joey: Wait a minute, who’s inviting everyone?

Chandler: You are.

Joey: No way, I’m already getting the keg. Brad should do it.

Brad: Ah, that would be kinda hard since the only friends of Ross I know are you two. Why don’t I get the keg and you invite everyone?

Joey: Man, that’s the hardest job. Chandler, you invite everyone, and I’ll get the hot dogs and burgers.

Chandler: Fine you big baby.

Joey: I’m not a baby!

Brad: No, just an infant.

Joey: Yeah, just an infant. (long pause) Hey, wait a minute!

PASTA PRIMAVERA (Ross and Rachel are awaiting Rachel’s parents arrival)

Rachel: Now remember, you promised you’d be nice.

Ross: I’m always nice. Did you tell your Dad to be nice?

Rachel: For the last time, my Dad doesn’t hate you.

(Rachel’s Dad shows up)

Dr. Green: Sweet pea!

Rachel: Daddy! It’s so good to see you.

Ross: Hi Dr. Green, how are you?

Dr. Green: Fine, Dr. Wethead, how are you?

Rachel: Daddy! You promised!

Dr. Green: Sorry, how are you Ross?

Ross: Fine thanks. Oh look, Sandra’s here.

Sandra: Hello everyone. Leonard.

Dr. Green: Sandra.

Rachel: Mom, it’s great to see you.

Ross: Hello Mrs. Green.

Sandra: Oh Ross, call me mom.

Dr. Green (to Rachel): What, it’s good to see me but great to see your mother?

Rachel: Dad, it’s just an expression. It’s great to see you too. Shall we sit down?

Sandra: We have to wait a minute, Laura and Jill are parking the car.

Rachel: Laura and Jill are coming too?!

Sandra: Of course honey, this is a welcome Ross to the family dinner. Laura and Jill are family.

Ross (to Rachel): This is gonna be an interesting dinner.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica, Phoebe and Jennifer are present)

Phoebe: I’m hungry.

Jennifer: Let’s go out to dinner.

Monica: Oh, but I was gonna make dinner.

Phoebe: What were you gonna do, poach a salmon?

Monica (weakly): Yeah.

Phoebe (to Jennifer): So where do you wanna go for dinner?

(Chandler, Joey and Brad enter)

Chandler: Hello ladies. The men have returned. And Joey too.

Joey: What are you guys doing?

Phoebe: We’re trying to decide where to go for dinner.

Monica: I told you Phoebe, I am poaching a salmon.

Chandler: So where do you wanna go?

Monica: Chandler!

Phoebe: Who said you were invited?

Joey: Like you ever go anywhere without us.

Brad: Is there any good Italian food around here?

Chandler: There’s always Allesandro’s.

Phoebe: Oh that sounds good.

Jennifer: Than Allesandro’s it is.

Monica: Why don’t you ever wanna go to Allesandro’s when I’m working?

Phoebe: Just that, you’re working.

Monica: Are you saying you hate my cooking?

Phoebe: No. I just don’t wanna create extra work for you when you’re working.

Monica: That’s so sweet. I’m gonna go grab my coat.

Phoebe (to Jennifer) Never go there when Monica’s cooking unless you’re in the mood to be sick all night.

Chandler: Still haven’t told her about that experience, eh Pheebs?

PASTA PRIMAVERA (The Green Family and Ross are having dinner)

Laura: So Ross, are you and Rachel going to Aruba for your honeymoon?

Rachel (to Ross): Did you pay her to ask you that?

Ross: No, we’re going to Jamaica.

Jill: You guys will have fun. I went to Jamaica for a week and was naked the whole time.

Sandra: Jill! We’re at a restaurant.

Jill: Please mom, half the men in this restaurant would pay to see me naked.

Laura: Half the men probably have seen you naked.

Dr. Green: Enough girls! Dr. Wethead, how’s the job at the library?

Rachel: Dad, he works as a professor at NYU.

Dr. Green: I know. They have a library there don’t they?

Ross: It’s fine Dr. Green. I’m glad the semester is over.

Sandra: So now that you’re finally gonna be a part of this family, is there anything you want to say?

Ross: Say? Not really.

Sandra: Come on Ross, don’t be shy, say what’s in your heart.

Ross (distracted and whispering to Rachel): Would you stop rubbing my leg for a minute?

Rachel: I’m not rubbing your leg.

Ross: She’s doing it again.

Rachel: She can’t be, she’s not sitting next to you.

Ross (realizing it’s Sandra who’s rubbing his leg): Ah, I just wanna say, thanks for taking me into your family as one of your own. It means a lot to me. I have to go to the restroom, I’ll be right back. (Ross leaves)

Jill: Someone must have been rubbing his leg again.

Laura: I would, but I’m not sitting next to him.

Dr. Green: Don’t talk about your brother-in-law that way, and for christ’s sake, both of you get laid before you implode.

Sandra: Leonard! Don’t talk to the girls that way!

Rachel: I’m gonna go to the bathroom too. (Rachel leaves)

Jill: Maybe Ross and Rachel are gonna lay each other in the bathroom.

Sandra (to Leonard): Do you see what you started?

(At the bathroom, Ross is pacing around as Rachel approaches)

Rachel: Are you ok honey?

Ross: I’m fine. I’m fine. Must have been a bad meatball or whatever. I’m fine. Let’s go sit down.

Rachel: Are you sure you’re ok?

Ross: Yeah, I just got really nauseous. I’m fine.

(Back at the table)

Sandra: Ross is such a nice boy, why don’t you two every meet nice boys?

Jill: Because I don’t date geeks.

Laura: I only date divorced men.

Dr. Green: Don’t look at me, they’re your daughters too.

(Ross and Rachel rejoin the table)

Sandra (to Ross, rubbing his leg again): Are you ok honey?

Ross: I’m fine.

Rachel: He said he ate a bad meatball.

Dr. Green: There goes this waiter’s tip.

Jill: Not that he ever had one to begin with.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Rachel’s Bridal Shower has started. Rachel’s friends, co-workers and family are present)

Rachel (to Monica): Thanks for the shower, everything’s beautiful.

Monica: It was the least we could do.

Rachel: Have you talked to Ross?

Monica: No, why?

Rachel: He’s been acting strange ever since we had dinner with my family.

Monica: I’d be acting strange if I had to have dinner with your family. (Rachel looks at Monica) I mean, they’re wonderful people, but it’s a lot to take in one evening.

Phoebe: Hey! Some party huh?

Rachel: Everything’s great Phoebe. Where’s Jennifer?

Phoebe: She’s talking to your Mom.

(cut to Mrs. Green and Jennifer)

Jennifer: Ah, Sandra, Sandra?

Sandra: Why are you calling me Sandra dear?

Jennifer: That’s your name isn’t it?

Sandra: But I’m your mother dear, you don’t call your mother by their first name.

Jennifer: I am not your daughter. I’m Jennifer Aniston.

Sandra: Jennifer who?

Jennifer: Jennifer Aniston, the actress.

Sandra: My God, you look just like my Rachel.

Jennifer: I’m realizing that more and more everyday.

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (The Pre-Bachelor Party Party is in full swing)

Ross: This is great guys. I haven’t been this hammered since I kissed Nora.

Brad: Who’s Nora?

Joey: Chandler’s mother.

Brad: Ross kissed your mom?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: I did too.

Brad: Is your mom coming to the wedding?

Chandler: Yeah, why?

Brad: I was hoping to kiss her too.

Ross: You know what else happened?

Chandler: You kissed Joey’s mom too?

Ross: Rachel’s mom.

Joey: You kissed Rachel’s mom?!

Ross: No, but she was making a pass at me.

Brad: How?

Ross: She was rubbing my leg when we were all at dinner. Don’t tell Rachel.

(A beautiful brunette enters)

Joey: Alright! The entertainment’s here!

Ross: You got a stripper?

Joey: Of course! No party is complete without a stripper!

(The brunette turns around and it is Chloe, yes the girl Ross slept with)

Ross: Oh my God! It’s Chloe.

Chandler: It’s not like you haven’t seen her naked.

Brad: Who’s Chloe?

Gunther: The girl Ross cheated on Rachel with when they were dating.

Ross: We were on a break!

Brad: Oh, that Chloe. Well isn’t this awkward. Man, she’s hot, no wonder why Ross gave into temptation.

(the music starts and Chloe starts to get naked. The guys, except for Ross, gather around and watch.)

Chloe (who is down to her G-string): Where’s the groom?

Joey: He’s cowering in the bathroom, but don’t let that stop you. Take it all off!

(Chloe makes her way to the bathroom and pulls Ross out)

Chloe: Don’t worry, I don’t bite. But I will if you want me to.

Ross: Stop, stop, we can’t do this.

Chloe: Oh yes we can. (pulls down Ross’ pants)

Ross (pulling up his pants and as Rachel enters): I said stop! You’re not gonna ruin what I have with Rachel this time!

Rachel (seeing a naked Chloe): Ross! What the hell is going on here?!

Chandler: Uh oh, I think things have gotten out of hand.

Joey: Rach, what are you doing here, this is a guys only party! (Rachel glares at Joey) But you’re more than welcome to join us.

Chloe (gathering her clothes): I think I’ll get dressed.

Gunther: Ross cheated on you again Rachel.

Brad: It’s not as bad as at looks Rachel. Ross did say stop and he was hiding in the bathroom because he didn’t want to watch.

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: That’s the truth.

Rachel (calmly): Ok. If that’s the truth then I guess I’ll see you later. (Rachel leaves)

Joey: Dude, I thought you were a goner.

Chandler: He hasn’t gone home yet.

Brad: If it were Jennifer, I’d have my balls in a sling.

Joey: Why?

Brad: Because after she kicked me in the groin five times, my balls would be hanging by a thread.

CLOSING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)

Brad: So how was the bridal shower?

Jennifer: Apparently not as lively as the Pre-Bachelor Party Party, which we’ll talk about when we get back to the hotel.

Monica: Oh, by the way Chandler, you’re sleeping at Joey’s tonight.

Chandler: What did I do?!

Phoebe: You can sleep with me if you want Chandler.

Monica: Phoebe, I’m sitting right here!

Phoebe: Someone has to take care of Chandler’s needs.

Joey: Well it looks like the only one who isn’t in trouble with their significant other is me.

(Courteney enters)

Courteney: Joseph Tribbiani, upstairs right now! You have a lot of explaining to do!

The End