Written by:†† Ethan


Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Joey:What time is it?


Phoebe:Time for you to get a watch.


Chandler:Itís 11:30.


Joey:Man, I was supposed to be on the set a half hour ago!I am so late!(Joey leaves)


Monica:Have any of you guys ever been late for work?††


Chandler:All the time.Iím always late.I was supposed to be at work 3 hours ago, instead Iím having coffee with you guys.


Phoebe:And thatís why they promoted you?


Ross:Iíve never been late.






Chandler:Heís been late for a final exam though.


Ross:Is that never talking about it again Chandler?


Monica:You were late for a final exam?


Ross:Not really.


Rachel:Come on honey, what happened?


Ross:Fine.I was late for my Biology final my sophomore year of college. It was Dr. Hernandezís class, she was a real stickler about missing exams, she wouldnít let you make them up.†††


Chandler:And what happened?


Ross:I rolled over and said ďDr. Hernandez, Dr. Hernandez wake up, we overslept and missed our Biology finalĒ.




CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica, Phoebe and Jennifer are present)


Jennifer:Thanks for letting me plan Rachelís bridal shower with you guys. Iím glad you included me, it means a lot.


Monica:Not a problem.


Phoebe:Yeah, when you said youíd take care of the bill, it made the decision a lot easier.




Jennifer:Hey, Iím just happy I could help. So when is the shower?


Monica:In two days.


Jennifer:In two days?


Phoebe:We like to plan under the gun.


Jennifer:Well I think were staring down the barrel of a howitzer.


JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Joey, Chandler and Brad are hanging out)


Joey:Wanna beer Brad?


Brad:†† Yeah.


Chandler:Iíll take one too Joe.


Joey:Well get off your ass and get it yourself.What do I look like, your butler?


Brad:Are the girls throwing a shower for Rachel?


Joey:Who knows, who cares?


Chandler:Yeah, I think itís in two days.




Chandler:Yeah.Monica told me that I was not allowed to be home between 3-7 pm two days from today.


Joey:Dude, what happened to you?


Chandler:I grew up and got married.Youíll learn these things once Courteney gets her grip on your manhood.


Joey:The only time she gets to grip on my manhood is when weíre hot and heavy, if you know what I mean.


Brad:You know what, we should have a bridal shower for Ross.


Joey:What?Are you gay or something?


Chandler:Excuse Joey Brad, but heís right, in New York we donít throw bridal showers for guys.


Brad:Fine.If you donít want another excuse to get drunk and party, thatís fine with me.


Chandler:We could get drunk?


Brad:Like Iíd wanna throw a real bridal shower.Letís just call it a pre-bachelor party party.


Joey:Man, I was totally wrong about California guys, you arenít all gay.


Brad:No, only the ones from San Francisco.


ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT(Ross and Rachel are arguing)


Ross:I donít care, I donít wanna have dinner with your Dad.


Rachel:What, so your just not gonna recognize that my Dad is gonna be your father-in-law?


Ross:Pretty much.


Rachel:Would you do it for me?


Ross:No way, you canít use that again.You already used that for the honeymoon.




Ross:I wanted to Aruba and you said no.


Rachel:I was supposed to go to Aruba with Barry, why on earth would I wanna go there for my honeymoon with you?


Ross:ĎCause I wanna go there?


Rachel:Weíre going to Jamaica.


Ross:How Ďbout you go to Jamaica and I go to Aruba?


Rachel: Face it Ross, weíre going to Jamaica.


Ross:Face it Rachel, Iím not sitting through another dinner with your father.


Rachel:Yes you are.


Ross:No, Iím not.


Rachel:You are.


Ross:Iím not.


Rachel:Then no sex for you.


Ross:Thatís ok, itís your time of the month anyway.


Rachel:Damn!Ok, ok, look, you go to dinner with my Dad and weíll have all the sex you want on our honeymoon.


Ross:Like we werenít gonna do that anyway.


Rachel:Ugh!Whatís it gonna take?


Ross:Your mom has to be there too, sheís the only one in your family who likes me.††


Rachel:I told you, we canít have those two in the same room without them arguing.


Ross:Iím sure if you talk to your parents theyíll refrain from arguing for one meal.


Rachel:Forget it.Iím not going through that just to appease you.


Ross:Then Iím not having dinner with your father.


Rachel (walking away):Dinner with mom and dad it is.(Ross pumps his fist and jumps in the air)I saw that.††


CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica, Phoebe and Jennifer are finalizing the bridal shower plans)


Monica:So I am handling the catering, Phoebeís inviting everyone and Jen, youíre paying for it.Did I cover everything?


Phoebe:Whoís cleaning this sty?


Jennifer:What are you talking about?This place is spotless.


Phoebe:Oh yeah, what about that cookie crumb over there by the TV?


Monica (running to the TV):Where?!Iím gonna kill Chandler!




Monica:Thatís not funny Phoebe!


Jennifer:Is she always like this?


Phoebe:We donít call her Monica Anal Bing for nothing.


JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Joey, Chandler and Brad are trying to figure out their party plans)


Joey:So Iím getting the keg?


Chandler:Yeah.Iíll get the hot dogs and hamburgers.What are you gonna do Brad?


Brad:Show up?


Chandler:Sounds good.


Joey:Wait a minute, whoís inviting everyone?


Chandler:You are.


Joey:No way, Iím already getting the keg.Brad should do it.


Brad:Ah, that would be kinda hard since the only friends of Ross I know are you two.Why donít I get the keg and you invite everyone?


Joey:Man, thatís the hardest job.Chandler, you invite everyone, and Iíll get the hot dogs and burgers.


Chandler:Fine you big baby.


Joey:Iím not a baby!


Brad:No, just an infant.


Joey:Yeah, just an infant.(long pause) Hey, wait a minute!


PASTA PRIMAVERA(Ross and Rachel are awaiting Rachelís parents arrival)


Rachel:Now remember, you promised youíd be nice.


Ross:Iím always nice.Did you tell your Dad to be nice?


Rachel:For the last time, my Dad doesnít hate you.


(Rachelís Dad shows up)


Dr. Green:Sweet pea!


Rachel:Daddy!Itís so good to see you.


Ross:Hi Dr. Green, how are you?


Dr. Green:Fine, Dr. Wethead, how are you?


Rachel:Daddy!You promised!


Dr. Green:Sorry, how are you Ross?


Ross:Fine thanks.Oh look, Sandraís here.


Sandra:Hello everyone.Leonard.


Dr. Green:Sandra.


Rachel:Mom, itís great to see you.


Ross:Hello Mrs. Green.


Sandra:Oh Ross, call me mom.


Dr. Green (to Rachel):What, itís good to see me but great to see your mother?


Rachel:Dad, itís just an expression.Itís great to see you too.Shall we sit down?


Sandra:We have to wait a minute, Laura and Jill are parking the car.


Rachel:Laura and Jill are coming too?!


Sandra:Of course honey, this is a welcome Ross to the family dinner.Laura and Jill are family.


Ross (to Rachel):This is gonna be an interesting dinner.


CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica, Phoebe and Jennifer are present)


Phoebe:Iím hungry.


Jennifer:Letís go out to dinner.


Monica:Oh, but I was gonna make dinner.


Phoebe:What were you gonna do, poach a salmon?


Monica (weakly):Yeah.


Phoebe (to Jennifer):So where do you wanna go for dinner?


(Chandler, Joey and Brad enter)


Chandler:Hello ladies.The men have returned.And Joey too.


Joey:What are you guys doing?


Phoebe:Weíre trying to decide where to go for dinner.


Monica:I told you Phoebe, I am poaching a salmon.


Chandler:So where do you wanna go?




Phoebe:††† Who said you were invited?


Joey:Like you ever go anywhere without us.


Brad:Is there any good Italian food around here?


Chandler:Thereís always Allesandroís.


Phoebe:Oh that sounds good.


Jennifer:Than Allesandroís it is.


Monica:Why donít you ever wanna go to Allesandroís when Iím working?


Phoebe:Just that, youíre working.


Monica:Are you saying you hate my cooking?


Phoebe:No.I just donít wanna create extra work for you when youíre working.


Monica:Thatís so sweet.Iím gonna go grab my coat.


Phoebe (to Jennifer) Never go there when Monicaís cooking unless youíre in the mood to be sick all night.


Chandler:Still havenít told her about that experience, eh Pheebs?


PASTA PRIMAVERA (The Green Family and Ross are having dinner)


Laura:So Ross, are you and Rachel going to Aruba for your honeymoon?


Rachel (to Ross):Did you pay her to ask you that?


Ross:No, weíre going to Jamaica.


Jill:You guys will have fun.I went to Jamaica for a week and was naked the whole time.


Sandra:Jill!Weíre at a restaurant.


Jill:Please mom, half the men in this restaurant would pay to see me naked.


Laura:Half the men probably have seen you naked.


Dr. Green:Enough girls!Dr. Wethead, howís the job at the library?


Rachel:Dad, he works as a professor at NYU.


Dr. Green:I know.They have a library there donít they?


Ross:Itís fine Dr. Green.Iím glad the semester is over.


Sandra:So now that youíre finally gonna be a part of this family, is there anything you want to say?


Ross:Say?Not really.


Sandra:Come on Ross, donít be shy, say whatís in your heart.


Ross (distracted and whispering to Rachel):Would you stop rubbing my leg for a minute?


Rachel:Iím not rubbing your leg.


Ross:Sheís doing it again.


Rachel:She canít be, sheís not sitting next to you.


Ross (realizing itís Sandra whoís rubbing his leg):Ah, I just wanna say, thanks for taking me into your family as one of your own.It means a lot to me.I have to go to the restroom, Iíll be right back.(Ross leaves)


Jill:Someone must have been rubbing his leg again.


Laura:I would, but Iím not sitting next to him.


Dr. Green:Donít talk about your brother-in-law that way, and for christís sake, both of you get laid before you implode.


Sandra:Leonard!Donít talk to the girls that way!


Rachel:Iím gonna go to the bathroom too.(Rachel leaves)


Jill:Maybe Ross and Rachel are gonna lay each other in the bathroom.


Sandra (to Leonard):Do you see what you started?


(At the bathroom, Ross is pacing around as Rachel approaches)


Rachel:Are you ok honey?


Ross:Iím fine.Iím fine.Must have been a bad meatball or whatever.Iím fine.Letís go sit down.


Rachel:Are you sure youíre ok?


Ross:Yeah, I just got really nauseous.Iím fine.


(Back at the table)


Sandra:Ross is such a nice boy, why donít you two every meet nice boys?


Jill:Because I donít date geeks.


Laura:I only date divorced men.


Dr. Green:Donít look at me, theyíre your daughters too.


(Ross and Rachel rejoin the table)


Sandra (to Ross, rubbing his leg again):Are you ok honey?


Ross:Iím fine.


Rachel:He said he ate a bad meatball.


Dr. Green:There goes this waiterís tip.


Jill:Not that he ever had one to begin with.


CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Rachelís Bridal Shower has started.Rachelís friends, co-workers and family are present)


Rachel (to Monica):Thanks for the shower, everythingís beautiful.


Monica:It was the least we could do.


Rachel:Have you talked to Ross?


Monica:No, why?


Rachel:Heís been acting strange ever since we had dinner with my family.


Monica:Iíd be acting strange if I had to have dinner with your family.(Rachel looks at Monica) I mean, theyíre wonderful people, but itís a lot to take in one evening.


Phoebe:Hey!Some party huh?


Rachel:Everythingís great Phoebe.Whereís Jennifer?


Phoebe:Sheís talking to your Mom.


(cut to Mrs. Green and Jennifer)


Jennifer:Ah, Sandra, Sandra?


Sandra:Why are you calling me Sandra dear?


Jennifer:Thatís your name isnít it?


Sandra:But Iím your mother dear, you donít call your mother by their first name.


Jennifer:I am not your daughter.Iím Jennifer Aniston.


Sandra:Jennifer who?


Jennifer:Jennifer Aniston, the actress.


Sandra:My God, you look just like my Rachel.


Jennifer:Iím realizing that more and more everyday.††


JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (The Pre-Bachelor Party Party is in full swing)


Ross:This is great guys.I havenít been this hammered since I kissed Nora.


Brad:Whoís Nora?


Joey:Chandlerís mother.


Brad:Ross kissed your mom?




Joey:I did too.


Brad:Is your mom coming to the wedding?


Chandler:Yeah, why?


Brad:I was hoping to kiss her too.


Ross:You know what else happened?


Chandler:You kissed Joeyís mom too?


Ross:Rachelís mom.


Joey:You kissed Rachelís mom?!


Ross:No, but she was making a pass at me.




Ross:She was rubbing my leg when we were all at dinner.Donít tell Rachel.


(A beautiful brunette enters)


Joey:Alright!The entertainmentís here!


Ross:You got a stripper?


Joey:Of course!No party is complete without a stripper!


(The brunette turns around and it is Chloe, yes the girl Ross slept with)


Ross:Oh my God!Itís Chloe.


Chandler:Itís not like you havenít seen her naked.


Brad:Whoís Chloe?


Gunther:The girl Ross cheated on Rachel with when they were dating.


Ross:We were on a break!


Brad:Oh, that Chloe.Well isnít this awkward.Man, sheís hot, no wonder why Ross gave into temptation.†††


(the music starts and Chloe starts to get naked.The guys, except for Ross, gather around and watch.)


Chloe (who is down to her G-string):Whereís the groom?


Joey:Heís cowering in the bathroom, but donít let that stop you.Take it all off!


(Chloe makes her way to the bathroom and pulls Ross out)


Chloe:Donít worry, I donít bite.But I will if you want me to.


Ross:Stop, stop, we canít do this.


Chloe:Oh yes we can.(pulls down Rossí pants)


Ross (pulling up his pants and as Rachel enters):I said stop!Youíre not gonna ruin what I have with Rachel this time!


Rachel(seeing a naked Chloe):Ross!What the hell is going on here?!


Chandler:Uh oh, I think things have gotten out of hand.


Joey:Rach, what are you doing here, this is a guys only party!(Rachel glares at Joey)But youíre more than welcome to join us.


Chloe (gathering her clothes):I think Iíll get dressed.


Gunther:Ross cheated on you again Rachel.


Brad:Itís not as bad as at looks Rachel.Ross did say stop and he was hiding in the bathroom because he didnít want to watch.




Ross:Thatís the truth.


Rachel (calmly):Ok.If thatís the truth then I guess Iíll see you later.(Rachel leaves)


Joey:Dude, I thought you were a goner.


Chandler:He hasnít gone home yet.


Brad:If it were Jennifer, Iíd have my balls in a sling.




Brad:Because after she kicked me in the groin five times, my balls would be hanging by a thread.




CENTRAL PERK(Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)


Brad:So how was the bridal shower?


Jennifer:Apparently not as lively as the Pre-Bachelor Party Party, which weíll talk about when we get back to the hotel.


Monica:Oh, by the way Chandler, youíre sleeping at Joeyís tonight.


Chandler:What did I do?!


Phoebe:You can sleep with me if you want Chandler.


Monica:Phoebe, Iím sitting right here!


Phoebe:Someone has to take care of Chandlerís needs.


Joey:Well it looks like the only one who isnít in trouble with their significant other is me.


(Courteney enters)


Courteney:Joseph Tribbiani, upstairs right now!You have a lot of explaining to do!


The End