THE ONE WITH THE STALKER
Written by: firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (everyone is present)
Ross: Have any of you every been stalked?
Joey: I was stalked by Erica.
Rachel: But she thought you were really Dr. Drake Remoray. And besides, you slept with her.
Joey: That doesn't mean she didn't stalk me.
Phoebe: I was stalked by Ursula's ex-boyfriend.
Joey: I never stalked you!
Monica: She's not talking about you.
Joey: I knew that.
Chandler: I have never been stalked. What kind of pathetic loser am I?
Rachel: Oh honey, you don't have to be stalked to be a loser, you're a natural loser.
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Monica: Ross, why are you so curious about stalkers?
Ross: I think Rebecca is stalking me.
Rachel: What!? I'm gonna kick that woman's ass.
Phoebe: Whoa Rachel, calm down. Who's Rebecca?
Joey: She's Ross ex-girlfriend, she got naked on his bed when she got home from Ecuador.
Rachel: I'm gonna kick her ass if she comes near you again.
Chandler: Cool, a chick fight.
Monica: Ross, how do you know she's stalking you?
Ross: Through my keen sense of unagi.
Phoebe: Wasn't it unagi that nearly got you arrested for jumping those women you thought were Rachel and I?
Ross: That was different. I was trying to teach you guys unagi.
Joey: What the hell is unagi?
Chandler: It's an eel. Let's leave it at that.
Rachel: Honey, if Rebecca is really stalking you, why don't you just tell the police?
Ross: I did. They laughed at me.
Chandler: What did you tell them?
Ross: I told them that I thought she was stalking me.
Monica: And they didn't believe you?
Rachel: Come on Ross, what did you really tell them?
Ross: Alright, I told them I thought she was stalking me. And when they asked what proof I had, I told them that I sensed it.
Rachel: Through unagi?
Phoebe: No wonder why they laughed at you.
ROSS & RACHEL'S (Ross and Rachel are eating dinner)
Rachel: Have you actually seen Rebecca since the day she showed up here?
Rachel: Then how do you know she's stalking you?
Ross: I told you, I sensed it. Out of everyone, I thought you'd understand, for you have unagi.
Rachel: Ross honey, the only time I have unagi is when I'm in the mood for sushi.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S (Chandler is sitting on the couch and Monica is looking out the bay window)
Chandler: Ross has gone off the deep end, there's nobody stalking him.
Monica: Chandler look, there's a woman down on the street looking at Ross' apartment with binoculars.
Monica: Really, come check it out.
Chandler: Oh my god. There is a woman! I'm gonna call Ross. (Chandler goes and picks up the phone and dials.)
Ross (on phone): Hello?
Chandler: Ross, it's Chandler.
Ross: Chandler who?
Chandler: What do ya mean, Chandler who? I'm the guy doing your sister.
Ross: Oh that Chandler, what's up?
Chandler: There's a woman on the street looking up at your apartment with binoculars.
Rachel: Ross who is it?
Ross (to Rachel): Itís Chandler.
Rachel: Which one?
Chandler (to Monica): Do they know more than one Chandler?
Ross: The one doing my sister. He says there is a woman on the street looking up at our apartment with binoculars.
Rachel: Well I'm going downstairs to kick her ass. (Rachel grabs her jacket and goes to leave)
Ross: Rachel wait. (Rachel stops) Chandler, I've got to go. Thanks for letting me know.
Chandler: What, that's it, just thanks.
Ross: What do you want me to say?
Chandler: Nothing actually. Goodbye.
Monica: What did he say?
Chandler: He said thanks for letting him know.
Monica: That's it?
Chandler: That's what I said.
Monica: Well that's the last time I help him out.
Chandler: What are talking about, you didn't do anything.
Monica (glaring at Chandler): I saw her first.
Chandler (realizing he'll lose this argument): Sorry, I forgot.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT
Rachel: Let's go get her.
Ross: Wait Rachel, we don't know if she is actually looking at us or someone else. We don't know if she's armed and dangerous or not.
Rachel: Well we just can't let her get away. We have to see who it is.
Ross: I got it, I'll send Joey to pick her up.
Ross: I'll ask Joey to pick her up, as in asking for a date.
Rachel: That has to be the stupidest idea I've ever heard. And besides, he's dating Kate. Actually it's the first time he's ever dated someone monogamously. You can't ask him to pick up your stalker.
Ross: Why not?
Rachel: I just told you.
Ross: I'll talk to Kate, I'm sure she won't mind. I know Joey will do it, he'll do anything for a friend. (Ross picks up the phone and calls Joey)
Ross: Joey, it's Ross.
Joey: Ross who?
Joey: I don't know any Ross Geller. Sorry, you must have the wrong number, see ya. (Joey hangs up the phone)
Ross (to Rachel): He hung up on me.
Rachel: It's Joey, what do you expect?
Ross: I'm calling him again. (Ross redials)
Ross: Joey, it's Ross.
Joey: Hey, whassup?
Ross: Why did you hang up on me?
Joey: That was you? He said he was Ross Geller.
Ross: Joey, Geller is my last name.
Joey: Oh, sorry. What do you need?
Ross: I need you to pick up a girl for me.
Joey: You're going to cheat on Rachel again, what are you crazy?
Ross: I'm not gonna cheat on Rachel. I want you to pick up my stalker.
Joey: You are completely nuts. No way, Kate will kill me.
Ross: I'll talk to Kate, she won't mind.
Joey (pause): Alright, I'll do it. But if Kate breaks up with me over this, our friendship is over. I'll be right over.
Ross: Fine. (Ross hangs up the phone. To Rachel) Joey's gonna do it, he's on his way over.
Rachel: You're crazy. You're going to send your close friend outside to hit on your stalker. You don't even know if it is your stalker or not. What are you going to do if it is Rebecca?
Ross: I didn't think about that. She knows Joey. (Ross walks over to the window and looks out) Well, she doesn't look like Rebecca from up here.
Rachel: I just don't see why we don't go outside and confront her.
Ross: I really don't want to meet my stalker.
Rachel: If it's Rebecca, you've already slept with your stalker.
(There's a knock on the door. Rachel opens the door and Joey walks in)
Joey: Hey Rach. Ross, I saw the woman you're talking about. It isn't Rebecca.
Ross: Who is it?
Joey: I dunno. I've never seen her before.
Rachel: Damn, I really wanted to kick that woman's ass.
Joey: You can still kick her ass.
Ross: Don't give her any ideas and besides, that's assault, she'll get arrested. (to Joey) Ok, here's what I want you to do. Go downstairs and hit on her. Find out who she's stalking.
Joey: I can't ask who's she stalking.
Ross: Then do what ever comes naturally.
Joey: Fine, I'll be back. (Joey leaves)
Rachel: Ross, you're insane.
Rachel: I can't believe I'm letting you do this to Joey.
Ross: I'm not doing anything to Joey. He agreed to do it.
Rachel: At the possible cost of his relationship with Kate.
Ross: He's gonna hit on her, not sleep with her.
Rachel: That would be a first for Joey.
OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT BUILDING
Joey (walking up to the stalker, who's face we cannot see): How you doin?
Stalker: Excuse me?
Joey: What's a pretty woman like you doing out here on the street in the middle of the night?
Stalker: Why does that concern you?
Joey: Actually it doesn't.
Stalker: Well, bye then.
Joey: Why do you have binoculars? Are you spying on someone?
Stalker: And what if I am? Why would that concern you?
Joey: I was just trying to find out more about you. I think you're cute.
Stalker: You think I'm cute?
Joey: Sure. I'm naturally attracted to asian women.
Stalker: I am spying on an old boyfriend.
Joey: Why, do you want him back?
Stalker: I dunno. I think he's still with his girlfriend.
Joey: What's his name?
Stalker: Don't you want to know my name?
Joey: I'm sorry, what's your name?
Julie: Yeah, Julie. Do I know you?
Joey: Nope. I'm just a guy who hits on total strangers. I gotta go. I hope you contact your ex-boyfriend again. See ya.
Julie: You're leaving?
Joey: Yeah, I gotta pick up my girlfriend. Bye. (Joey leaves quickly)
Julie (to herself) That was weird.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT
Ross (to Rachel): He's done talking with her.
Rachel: I don't wanna hear about it. I'm going to bed. Don't you dare wake me tonight, I am not interested.
Ross: What did I do?
Rachel: If you don't know, you might as well sleep on the couch.
Ross: Goodnight honey, I love you. (No response from Rachel who goes to their bedroom)
Joey: Hey, your stalker is Julie.
Ross: Julie who?
Joey: Your ex-girlfriend.
Ross: Are you sure?
Joey: Dude, she's asian, her name is Julie and she said she's spying on her ex-boyfriend, who else could it be?
Ross: Rachel, come out here.
Rachel (from bedroom): I told you I don't want to hear about it.
Ross: Rach, my stalker is my ex-girlfriend Julie.
Rachel (emerging from the bedroom): Who?
Ross: Julie, the girl I dumped to go out with you the first time.
Rachel: I can kick her ass.
Ross: Would you stop with that, I don't want you kicking anyone's ass.
Rachel: Well, at least you call the police now. You know who's been stalking you.
Ross: I'm not calling the police.
Ross: I'm not calling the police on Julie. I'll just go talk to her.
Rachel: Your gonna talk to ex-girlfriend?
Rachel: And I'm suppose to be ok with that?
Rachel: I'm not.
Ross: Well you're gonna have to be. I'm going to talk to her right now.
Joey: Maybe I should leave.
Rachel: Joey, you're not leaving.
Ross: Joey, you can leave if you want, this is between Rachel and I. (Joey gets up to leave)
Rachel: Joey, sit back down, you're not leaving.
Joey: Sorry Ross, she can kick my ass.
Ross: Rach, why is this such a big deal? I love you, not Julie.
Rachel: If you love me, you won't go confront her.
Ross: I'm not gonna confront her. I'm gonna talk to her.
Rachel: Either way, I don't want you seeing her.
Ross: Fine. (Ross goes to the bedroom and slams the door).
Joey (to Rachel): It looks like you're the one sleeping on the couch tonight.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S (Chandler, Monica, Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: So there was a woman out on the street looking at Ross and Rachel's apartment with binoculars?
Chandler: Yeah, Ross sent Joey to hit on her.
Phoebe: That must have pissed off Rachel.
(Joey and Rachel enter)
Joey: Hey guys, Ross' stalker is Julie.
Monica: His ex-girlfriend?
Rachel: Yeah, and Ross wants to talk to her.
Chandler: What's wrong with that? (Monica, Phoebe and Rachel stare at him) Apparently there is something seriously wrong with that.
Rachel: I can't have Ross talking to his ex-girlfriends. He always screws it up.
Joey: In what way?
Rachel: Does the incident with Rebecca ring any bells?
Chandler: But Rebecca put him in that situation, not Ross.
Rachel: Still, he's not to talk to her and that's the end of it. Pheebs, can I stay with you tonight?
Rachel: Why not?
Phoebe: Duncan's coming home and I haven't seen him in two weeks.
Joey: You can stay with me Rach.
Rachel: Thanks Joey.
Monica: Rach, can I speak to you for a moment in my bedroom? (Monica and Rachel go to the bedroom. Monica turns around) Phoebe, that means you too. (Phoebe follows)
Joey: The girls do their thing, the guys theirs.
(Monica and Chandler's bedroom)
Rachel: What is it?
Monica: I think you should let Ross talk to Julie.
Phoebe: Monica's right. He needs to talk to her.
Monica: It's only Julie, she's harmless. She's not gonna do anything to him.
Rachel: And this is coming from someone who went shopping with her.
Phoebe (to Monica): You went shopping with her?
Monica: Yes. So what?
Rachel: You betrayed your best friend by going shopping with Julie. You like her more than me.
Monica: That's ridiculous, I went shopping with her because she was Ross' girlfriend.
Rachel: And you want to go shopping with her again. You want Julie and Ross back together so you can go shopping with her.
Monica: Rachel! What's gotten into you? I want you to marry my brother so we can be sister's-in-law.
Rachel (starting to cry): Really?
Monica (now crying): Of course honey, I love you. (hugs Rachel)
Phoebe: Ok, feeling left out here. (Monica and Rachel pull Phoebe into the hug)
(a little later)
Monica: So you'll let Ross talk to her.
Rachel: Yeah. But if he screws it up, I'm gonna blame you two.
Phoebe: Why me? I just came in here so I wouldn't have to hang with Chandler and Joey.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT
(Rachel enters and goes into their bedroom. Ross is sleeping)
Rachel (pushing Ross): Ross. Ross, wake up.
Rachel: You can talk to Julie.
Rachel: You can talk to Julie.
Ross: Julie who?
Rachel: Don't you remember fighting with me earlier?
Ross: Oh, that Julie. Ok, I'll try and talk to her tomorrow. Goodnight. (Ross rolls over and closes his eyes)
Rachel: I love you.
Ross: I love you too. Goodnight
CENTRAL PERK (Next day. Everyone but Joey is present)
Monica: So, have you talked to your stalker yet?
Ross: No, I haven't seen her.
Phoebe: Yesterday you said you didn't even who she was.
Ross: According to Joey, it's Julie.
(Joey enters like a storm)
Chandler: Ladies and Gentlemen, Joey Tribianni.
Joey: Ross, she's right outside.
Joey: Julie. She's over at the newsstand pretending to read a magazine.
Rachel: Well Ross, here's your chance, don't blow it.
Ross: Are you sure you're ok with this?
Rachel: I'm fine. Go.
Monica: I have got to see this. (Gets up and sits by the window. The rest of the gang follows her lead).
OUTSIDE CENTRAL PERK (Ross slowly walks over to the newsstand. We see Julie peering out from behind her magazine and she spots Ross. She goes to leave)
Ross (He can only see Julie from behind): Julie, wait!
Julie (turning around): What?
Ross: Wait, your not Julie? Who are you?
Julie: I am Julie. Julie Nguyen. Aren't you my paleontology professor at NYU?
Ross: Huh? Why have you been following me?
Julie: I haven't been following you.
Ross: Yes you have. My friend Joey tried to pick you up last night. You told him you were spying on you're ex-boyfriend, but you were spying on me.
Julie: That was your friend?
Ross: Well, have you been spying on me?
Julie: Yes, but not for me. I'm Elizabeth Stevens new roommate and her dad Paul is paying me to make sure you staying away from her.
Ross: Paul is paying you to make sure I stay away from her. That's funny.
Julie: Why is that funny?
Ross: Well, I am involved in a serious relationship with Paul's ex-girlfriend Rachel. So I guess you can go report to Mr. Stevens that I won't be bothering Elizabeth anymore.
Julie: You're dating Rachel?
Ross: Yup. How do you know Rachel?
Julie: I don't. But that's all Paul ever talks about, how great Rachel was and how much he misses her.
Ross: Well then make sure you tell him that we're getting married. I have to go. Seriously though, stop following me or I'll flunk you. Bye.
Rachel: Well, was it Julie?
Ross: It was Julie, but not my ex-girlfriend Julie. It was one of my students.
Chandler: What is it with you and your students?
Ross: Paul hired her to follow me around and make sure I stayed away from Elizabeth.
Monica: As in Paul Stevens, Rachel's old boyfriend and father of your ex-girlfriend?
Ross: Yeah. So I told Julie to tell Paul that Rachel and I are together and are getting married.
Rachel: We're getting married?
Joey: I thought you guys were already married.
Phoebe: They were, they got divorced.
Joey: Why would they get remarried if they've already been divorced?
Monica (to Phoebe): Forget about it.
Ross: Rach, I just told Julie that so Paul would be pissed off. Julie said he misses you. He can't stop crying.
Rachel: That's why I dumped the guy, he couldn't stop crying. Seriously though, are we getting married?
Ross: Do you want to get married?
Rachel: I dunno, I haven't even thought that far ahead.
Ross: Well I wasn't planning on asking right now anyway.
Chandler: Yeah, only one wedding around here at a time. Monica and I are first. Then if you want to get married, you can.
Monica: Oh honey that's so sweet.
Rachel: Maybe we should get married Ross. (Chandler and Monica glare at Rachel). Just kidding.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT
Ross: Hey Rach, are you coming to bed?
Rachel: Iíll be there in a minute.
Ross: What are you doing?
Rachel: I looking out the window, there's someone down there looking up at us again.
Ross: Who is it?
Rachel: It's a man. I think its Paul.
(Ross emerges from the bedroom and puts his arms around Rachel)
Ross: Well then let's put on a show.
Rachel: What do ya have in mind?
(Ross kisses her neck and whispers in her ear)
Rachel: Right here?
Rachel: Against the window?
Rachel: You really want to make him jealous don't you?
Ross: Yup. Are we gonna do it or not?
Rachel (takes off her shirt): Yup.