THE ONE WITH THE SURPRISE
Written by: eze93@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Joey: Has anyone seen my shoe?
Chandler: How did you lose your shoe?
Joey: I dunno. I came down here and I only had one shoe on. I figured I must have lost it. Did you steal my shoe?
Chandler: No, Robin Hood stole your shoe and gave it to the poor.
Joey: Some chick stole my shoe?
Rachel: If Joey weren't so damn lovable, his stupidity would frighten me to death.
Ross: When did you realize that you only had one shoe on?
Joey: When I sat down.
Monica: You didn't notice when you were walking?
Joey: No. I just figured I hurt myself.
Phoebe: Doing what?
Joey: If you have to ask, you don't know me very well.
Rachel: Oh I know, we could send out an ABP on Joey's shoe.
Monica: Yeah, I don't think the cops in this City have enough to do with all the murders and stuff.
OPENING CREDITS
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before. Joey has left. Courteney enters)
Courteney: Hey guys.
All: Hi.
Courteney: Where's Joey?
Ross: He's looking for his other shoe.
Courteney: He lost it again?
Rachel: Again? This has happened before?
Courteney: Well not with his shoe, but yesterday he couldn't figure out where he put the condoms. I'm telling ya, it really ruined the moment.
Chandler: Joey missed his daily dose of sex! Quick, we have to get Joey to the hospital!
Monica: Speaking of Joey, here he comes now.
(Joey enters. He has found the other shoe)
Joey: Alright, no need to panic anymore, I found my other shoe.
Rachel: I didn't realize we were in panic mode.
Phoebe: Where did you find your shoe Joey?
Joey: It was next to the condoms that I couldn't find yesterday.
Chandler (to Courteney):
What kind of sick sex games do you guys play?
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Joey and Ross are hanging out)
Ross: What do you guys wanna do?
Chandler: Pretty much this.
Joey: Yeah, I'm really tired from looking for my shoe. But hey, I finally found the condoms.
Chandler: Too bad Courteney went to her parents.
Ross: Yes, but knowing Joey, Rosie and her five sisters are available.
Joey: Hey, I’m a one woman man now.
Ross: Ok, look. We have to do something.
Chandler: Ah, why?
Ross: Because it's Saturday.
Joey: And how is that different from any other day.
Ross: Well we don't have to work.
Chandler: An everyday occurrence for Joey.
Joey: Hey, I start work on Monday.
Chandler: Did they name your character yet?
Joey: It’s down to two names.
Ross: What are they?
Joey: Dick Hertz or Seymour Butz. Personally I like Dick Hertz.
Chandler: I wonder why.
Joey: I got it.
Ross: Got what? VD again?
Joey: No. Let’s get drunk.
Chandler: Sorry, Monica and I do that on Sundays.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Ah, no.
Ross: It’s 11 in the morning.
Joey: So? It’s past noon somewhere.
Chandler: The man makes a valid point.
Ross: Then getting drunk is the task of the day.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are sitting around)
Rachel: This was a good idea, we never just hang out anymore.
Phoebe: That's because you both have children.
Monica: Huh?
Phoebe: Chandler and Ross, could there be anyone more childlike then those two?
Rachel: Joey.
Phoebe: No, he's baby like.
Monica: Can I tell you guys something?
Rachel: No, keep it to yourself.
Monica: You need to stop hanging around Chandler. You're starting to sound just like him.
Phoebe: What is it?
Monica: Ok. But you have to promise me that you won't tell Chandler.
Phoebe/Rachel: Fine.
Monica: I'm late.
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: What? What did I miss? What are you late for? Did you have to work today?
Monica: No Phoebe, my period is late.
Phoebe: So? (long pause as Monica and Rachel just look at her) Oh my God! You're pregnant!
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross, Joey and Chandler are three sheets to the wind)
Ross: Ok, I got one. Rachel does this thing with her tongue that makes it feel like she’s going after the chewy center of a tootsie roll.
Joey: Man, I knew I should’ve hooked up with Rachel before you got back together with her.
Chandler: Ok, I got one. Monica does this thing….
Ross: Hey that’s my sister you’re talking about.
Chandler: But I have to listen to you talk about my future sister-in-law like that?
Ross: Good point.
Chandler: Anyway, Monica likes to tie me up and pretend that I’m her bucking bull.
Joey: Monica does that? I always figured she was really reserved in the bedroom.
Chandler: What made you think that?
Joey: Well she’s really neat, I figured she likes her sex the same way.
Ross: Ok, enough about Monica. I’ve learned more than I care to know. What does Courteney do to you Joey?
Joey: Courteney’s very limber. She likes to play on my pommel horse like she’s a gymnast.
Chandler: Joey’s met his match.
Joey: It’s about time.
Ross: Who’s the worst girlfriend you ever had?
Joey: That’s easy, Kathy. She cheated on me.
Chandler: And I’m still very sorry about that.
Ross: Mine would have to be Carol.
Joey: Carol? You married her for Pete’s sake.
Ross: Yes, but she turned into a lesbian, it doesn’t get much worse than that.
Chandler: I’d have to say my worst girlfriend was Janice.
Ross: You get no argument here.
Joey: She’s the one who should have been a lesbian. No man should ever have to date her. How’d you date her four times?
Chandler: I was stupid back then.
Ross: A very horny and lonely man who’d do anything for love.
Chandler: Shut up, at least I didn’t marry a lesbian.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: When are you gonna tell Chandler?
Monica: Definitely not now. We just had the huge fight about when we were gonna have kids.
Rachel: Mon, you’ve got to tell him. He has the right to know.
Monica: How about you guys tell him?
Phoebe/Rachel: Monica!
Monica: Look I don’t even know if I’m really pregnant.
Phoebe: You haven’t taken a test.
Monica: I’m scared.
Rachel: Why?
Monica: What if I am pregnant, Chandler’s gonna be so angry.
Rachel: Or he’ll be very happy.
Monica: This is Chandler we’re talking about. He begged me to postpone having kids, we’re supposed to be in our newlywed stage.
Phoebe: Sounds like you guys got carried away. (Monica shoots Phoebe a look) Sorry, it slipped out.
Rachel: How about we go get a test? That way you can know for sure.
Monica: Fine.
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (The guys are drunk)
Ross: What time is it?
Chandler: I dunno, I can’t read my watch.
Joey: It’s, it’s, wait a minute, I’m not wearing a watch.
Ross: What do you think the girls are doing?
Chandler: Probably talking about babies and stuff.
Joey: Good thing Courteney isn’t there, no way I’m ready for that stuff.
Ross: I’m with you there.
Chandler: If Monica was pregnant, I’d shoot myself.
Ross: Let’s go see what the girls are doing.
Chandler: We’re drunk. I don’t think they’d appreciate us.
Ross: We owe them one, they got stoned.
Joey: So you guys will be sleeping at Hotel Tribbiani tonight?
Chandler: Maybe we should just hang here.
Ross: Come on, it’ll be fun.
Chandler: Ok, but if we’re sleeping at Joey’s, I get the spare bedroom!
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are waiting for the results of the pregnancy test)
Monica: How long has it been?
Phoebe: Since the last time you asked or since you took the test?
Monica: I’m sorry, I’m just nervous.
Rachel: Relax Mon, everything’s gonna be fine.
Monica: Yeah, that’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one waiting for the results.
(the oven timer goes off. Monica runs to the bathroom. The guys stroll in)
Ross: Hello! The men are here!
Joey: What are you guys doing?
Phoebe: We’re waiting to see if Monica’s pregnant or not.
(Cut to Chandler who looks like he just found out his parents died)
Rachel: Phoebe!
Chandler: What did you just say?
Phoebe (backpedaling): I said we’re waiting to see if Monica’s eggplant is done or not.
Chandler: No you didn’t!
Phoebe: Uh huh! I love Monica’s eggplant.
(Monica emerges from the bathroom pale as a ghost)
Monica: Hi honey.
Chandler: Do I need to sit down?
Monica: Guys, can you excuse us?
All: Sure.
(Ross, Rachel, Phoebe and Joey go to Joey’s apartment)
Ross: What’s going on?
Rachel: Monica might be pregnant.
Phoebe: Rachel! We promised we wouldn’t tell anybody.
Joey: Ah Pheebs, you already let the cat out of the bag.
Phoebe: But I put it back in and now Rachel has pulled it out again!
Rachel: Are you guys drunk?
Ross: A little.
Rachel: How many fingers am I holding up? (holds up two)
Ross: Four?
Joey: It looks like five to me.
Phoebe: You guys are totally wasted.
Ross: Pretty much. (to Rachel) Am I gonna be sleeping at Joey’s tonight?
Rachel: How much did you drink?
Ross: Let me put it this way, we drank all of the alcohol in the apartment and went out to the store and got some more.
Rachel: You drank my Jack Daniels?
Ross: No. I’m not that stupid.
Joey: Stupid enough to marry a lesbian.
Ross: But not stupid enough to throw my girlfriend’s wooden leg on the fire!
Phoebe: Boys knock it off!
Joey/Ross: Sorry Pheebs.
Rachel: What about me?
Joey/Ross: Sorry Rachel.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica has sat Chandler down at the table)
Chandler: Are you pregnant?
Monica: It’s too early to tell.
Chandler: What did the test say?
Monica: It said I’m pregnant.
(long period of silence)
Chandler: So much for the newlywed phase huh?
Monica: You’re not angry?
Chandler: I’m too drunk to be angry.
Monica: That’s what that smell is!
Chandler: How late are you?
Monica: A week. But look, these tests can be wrong.
Chandler: But I might be a Dad.
Monica: Yes, you might be a Dad.
(silence again)
Chandler: But we were so careful.
Monica: I know. I’m as surprised as you. Anyway, I have an appointment with the gynecologist on Monday. We’ll know for sure then.
Chandler: I may be drunk, but whatever it is, I’m behind you 100%.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: You couldn’t have done this all by yourself. Ok, you could have, but I know you didn’t. If we’re gonna have a family, then we’ll have a family.
Monica (starting to cry): You know that I love you right?
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: We’re gonna be parents!
(The others knock on the door)
Phoebe: Can we come in now?
Monica: Come in!
(the others enter)
Rachel: Well?
Chandler: I’m gonna be a Dad.
Joey: Holy !@#$! (to Chandler) Dude, you didn’t shoot yourself!
Phoebe: I’m so happy for you guys, I think I’m gonna cry.
Ross (hugs Monica): Congratulations.
Monica: Thanks. Now maybe Mom and Dad will back off.
Ross: Doubtful, but worth a shot.
Rachel (to Ross): I want a baby.
Ross: Oh, don’t even start. First things first, we get married and then we talk about kids.
GYNECOLOGIST’S OFFICE (Monday Morning. Chandler and Monica are awaiting the results)
Monica: What do you think about names?
Chandler: Yes, I think every baby should have one.
Monica: Seriously.
Chandler: I haven’t even gotten used to the fact that you might be pregnant, we could name the kid Frankenstein for all I care.
Monica: Your childhood really screwed you up, didn’t it?
(The doctor comes in)
Doctor: Ok, I have the results, Monica you.…