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Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Monica and Courteney are present)


Monica:So Rach, howís the job search coming?


Rachel:Itís not.Thereís nothing in this damn City for me, I might as well go back to serving coffee for a living. (Gunther approaches)I mean, itís like when I used to work in this hell hole, it took me 2 Ĺ years to find a job. I donít work here again!(Gunther backpedals)I donít know what Iím gonna do.


Ross:Sweetie, youíll find something.Itís only been a week and half and besides, you have a recruiter working for you this time.


Chandler:Yeah Rach, we use Ms. Phelps all the time to find quality employees.Of course, she did bring Courteney into my life.


Courteney:Hey, Iím a quality employee!


Chandler:Then why are you here instead of at work?


Courteney:Because youíre here.


Phoebe:Sheís got you there.


Chandler:Yes, but unlike Courteney, I get paid no matter what.


Courteney (hurriedly leaving):See you back at the office Chandler.


Monica:You are so mean!


Chandler:What?I canít help it if she doesnít realize when Iím lying.



CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before. Chandler has returned to the office)


Phoebe:Rach, have you talked to Mark?Maybe he could get you a job at Liz Claiborne.


Rachel:I didnít even think of that.What a great idea!Iím gonna call him right now.


(Rachel gets up to use the phone)


Ross (to Phoebe):What did I ever do to you?




Ross (mimicking Phoebe)Talk to Mark, wonderful Mark will get you a job!


Monica:Oh my God, youíve got to be kidding me.Ross, Rachelís marrying you for Peteís sake, I hardly think Mark is a threat anymore.


Ross:He broke Rachel and I up.


Phoebe:Ross, you guys broke up because you slept with the Copy Girl.


Ross:Do you have to remember everything?


Monica:Phoebeís right Ross, Mark had nothing to do with your break up.Geez, if you can't trust Rachel after all you guys have been through, then you shouldn't be getting married again.


Ross:You don't think I know that?


Phoebe:Not really.


(Rachel returns)


Rachel (excited):Iíve got a new job!Iíve got a new job!




Rachel:Mark got me a new job in his department!




Monica:Thatís great Rach!What are you gonna be doing?


Rachel:Iím gonna be the senior buyer in Markís Department, I'm gonna be working directly under him.


Phoebe:So Mark is gonna be your boss?


Rachel:Yeah, isnít it great!


Ross (sarcastically):You're gonna be working under him?That's such great news!You're gonna be working under him.


Rachel:Are you alright?


Ross:I'm fine.I'm fine.I'm just happy for you!Ok, I have to go.I've got a class to teach.


Rachel:Your class isn't for another two hours.


Ross:Look at that, I'm not even prepared.Ok, I, I better go.See you later honey.


Rachel:What's the matter with him?


Phoebe:It's Ross, there's always something wrong with him.


JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey is watching TV, Ross enters)




Joey:What are you doing here?


Ross:Rachel is going to be working under Mark.


Joey:Is this some kind of dirty math problem?


Ross:No, she got a new job at Liz Claiborne and Mark is going to be her boss.


Joey:Who's Mark?


Ross:The Mark that broke up Rachel and I four years ago.


Joey:Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Chloe break up you guys?


Ross:Why does everyone always focus on that?!


Joey:'Cause you slept with her?


Ross:He's gonna do it again.He's gonna break us up again.This is just real familiar territory.This is how it all started the last time.


Joey:Dude, you've got to chill out.First, you're marrying Rachel and second, Chloe got fired from the Copy Shop so you don't have to worry about her anymore.


Ross:She got fired?Why?Never mind.That doesn't have anything to do with this.




Ross:Ok, you're making no sense.


Joey:Look, Chloe's out of the picture right?


Ross:Yeah, so?


Joey:So things can't repeat themselves.†† She's not gonna be there to seduce you with her belly-button ring again when you and Rachel fight over this.


Ross:Rachel and I are not gonna fight over this.


Joey:Fine.But when you do, remember what I said, Chloe won't be there to seduce you.


Ross:You know, I should've just talked to the chick and the duck.Thanks anyway.(Ross leaves)


Joey:Talk to the chick and the duck, like they know who Chloe is.


CENTRAL PERK(Chandler and Monica are present)


Chandler:You know, I was thinking about this whole baby thing, maybe itís not such a good idea right now.


Monica:What?Youíre having second thoughts?


Chandler:I just donít think Iím ready.


Monica:Chandler, youíre never ready for anything.


Chandler:Whatís that suppose to mean?


Monica:Well, you werenít ready to get married.


Chandler:Thatís not true.I had no second thoughts at all.


Monica:Then why did you show up 30 seconds before we were to walk down the aisle?


Chandler:You know why!The limo you hired never picked us up!


Monica:Oh, so itís all my fault!


Chandler:Ah, yes!


Monica:You know what, I donít even wanna bear your child now.Iíll see you around.(Monica leaves)


Chandler:Damn it!Iím staying with Joey again!




Phoebe:Does she use the plates?I think so!(finds something sticky and moldy in the sink)What the hell is that!Oh my God!It looks like, like a dirty hamster!


(Courteney enters)


Courteney:Hey roomie!


Phoebe (mad):Donít hey roomie me!What the hell is this?(throws the sticky and moldy object at Courteney)


Courteney (surprised):Hey!What in the hell is your problem?


Phoebe (mad): You!This place is a sty!You never clean up after yourself! I am not your Mom!


Courteney (yelling):You sure sound like her!


Phoebe:I want you out!Weíre finished as roommates!




Phoebe:You heard me! I want you out!


Courteney:Fine!Iíll be out by the end of the week!


(Courteney leaves)


Phoebe (calmly):That didnít go so badly.


NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross is finishing his lecturing)


Ross:And thatís how we knew that some dinosaurs walked erect.Any questions?(sees student raise hand)Yes Nicole?


Nicole:So some dinosaurs walked around with huge erections?(class laughs)


(Chandler enters the classroom)


Ross:No.No Nicole, the dinosaurs walked on two feet.Thatís what we mean when we say they were erect.†† In sexual terms, they didnít walk around sporting erections.


Chandler:But if they did the female dinosaurs wouldnít have wanted anything to do with those monsters.


Ross:Ok, class dismissed.Remember, midterms are in two weeks.Be like all good college students and start studying now.(to Chandler)You had to do it, didnít you?


Chandler:I can never pass up a good erection joke.


Ross:What are you doing here?


Chandler:Your sister and I had a huge fight and I donít know what to do.


Ross:What did you do this time?


Chandler:All I said was that I didnít think I was ready to have kids.


Ross:You told her that?




Ross:Youíre dumber that I thought.


Chandler:Look, I love Monica and I want to have kids with her, but Iím just not ready.


Ross:Chandler, when you have kids youíre never ready.When I had Ben, it took me the entire first year of his life to feel like a Dad.




Ross:Yeah, I mean, I still feel like a second hand Dad at times.I mean heck, heís primarily being raised by two lesbians.If that doesnít damage a kid, I donít know what will.But you know what, I still love Ben the same.And hey, in your case, you and Monica will be the sole parents.


Chandler:Not if Monica is sleeping with the mailman.




Chandler:Sorry, the jokes just keep coming.


Ross:The question is, when is the right time to have kids.You both have to agree on that.Donít do it just because sheís ready.You have to be ready too.


Chandler:I still am a kid.(Ross just looks at Chandler)Ok, ok, Iíll talk to her.Thanks man.


Ross:Hey, youíre my brother-in-law, thatís what weíre for.


ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT(Ross and Rachel are eating dinner)


Rachel:Youíre overly quiet tonight, whatís wrong?


Ross:Nothingís wrong.Tough day at work.


Rachel:Oh, what happened?


Ross:Nothing really, my students just werenít really interested in what I was teaching.


Rachel (laughing):How is that different than any other day? (pause- realizes Ross isnít laughing)Ok, that obviously wasnít funny.Anyway, I start my new job on Monday.




Rachel:Thatís all you have to say?Great?


Ross:What do you want me to say?


Rachel:How about being supportive?


Ross (snappy):Fine, I am very happy for you and I hope you do really well.


Rachel:Youíre upset because Mark is my boss.




Rachel:Oh my God, youíre upset because Iím working with Mark again.You think Iím gonna leave you for him.


Ross:Wouldnít be the first time.




Ross:I didnít say anything.


Rachel:Mark did not break us up Ross, Chloe did!


Ross:Well he sure got the ball rolling now didnít he!


Rachel:Ugh, Iím not having this fight with you!How can you not trust me?!


Ross:Oh I trust you!I trusted you the first time.But no, you had to go work with wonderful Mark.So fine, you go work under Mark, if you know what I mean!


Rachel:Get out!


Ross:This is my apartment!


Rachel:Not anymore! Get out!And donít bother coming home!


(Ross leaves and Rachel sits down on the couch and cries)


JOEYíS APARTMENT(Joey is watching TV and eating dinner.Courteney enters)


Joey:Hey Court, whatís going on?


Courteney:I need a place to stay for a few days.




Courteney:Phoebe kicked me out.




Courteney:Apparently she thinks Iím a slob and canít handle me anymore.(pause)Can I move with you?


Joey (surprised):Um, I donít know.Itís kinda soon donít you think?


Courteney:But I need a place to stay.


Joey:Let me think about it ok.




(Ross enters)


Joey (to Ross):What are you doing here?Wait donít tell me, you and Rachel had a fight about Mark didnít you.




Joey:Then why are you here?


Ross:ĎCause Rachelís going to work for Mark.


Courteney:Whoís Mark?


Joey:Long story, not enough time.


Ross:Can I crash here tonight?Rachel kicked me out.


Joey:Wasnít that your apartment to begin with?


Ross:Apparently not.


Joey:Yeah, you get the spare bedroom.


(Chandler enters)






Joey:Whatís your story?


Chandler:Monica isnít speaking to me again and I need a place to crash.


Joey:You can sleep on the pullout.


Chandler (to Ross):What did you do?




Chandler:Oh, you didnít.(looks at Ross)You did.What was the last thing you said?


Ross:Something to the effect that Rachel should go sleep with him.


Courteney:Sounds like youíll be in Joeyís spare bedroom for a long time.


Joey:Welcome to Hotel Tribbiani.


CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Phoebe and Monica are present)


Rachel:Well I think the weddingís definitely off.


Monica:I should think so, I canít believe he told you to just go sleep with Mark.


Phoebe:Rach, you can move in with me, Courteneyís leaving by the end of the week.


Monica:What did she do?


Phoebe:Sheís a slob.


Monica:Like the way you were a slob when you lived with me?


Phoebe:Ok, no.Youíre just super anal when it comes to cleanliness.I mean we had a moldy thing growing in the sink that looked like a greenish hamster.


Rachel:You know what?Maybe the three of us should just move in together.We donít need those guys.Well, Joey can come cause heís never a problem.


Phoebe:Oh, that would be great!We could be the three girlskeeters.


Monica:That would be great but I married Chandler and I have to work this out with him.Iíll see you guys later.(Monica leaves)


Phoebe: What about you Rach?


Rachel:†† I donít know, I donít think Iíve ever been this hurt by Ross before.


Phoebe:What about the time he slept with the Copy Girl?


Rachel:Ok, this is the second most Iíve ever been hurt by him.I mean, why doesnít he trust me?Is there something about me that is untrustable?


Phoebe:Rach, heís just a real insecure guy.I really donít think he means to hurt you.I sometimes think he just doesnít know why youíre with him.


Rachel:Iím with him because I love him.


Phoebe:Maybe he needs to hear that.


Rachel:And maybe Courteney needs to know what you expect for cleanliness before you hastily kick her out.


JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey, Courteney, Chandler and Ross are sitting around.)


Joey:Ok, youíre sleeping with me, (points to Courteney) youíre in there (points to Ross) and youíre on the couch (points to Chandler).Did I forget anybody?


Chandler:What about the chick and the duck?


Joey:Right.(pointing at the chick and the duck) You guys are in the bathroom.Goodnight.Courteney, letís go.


Courteney:I love it when heís so forceful.


Chandler:He sounds like Monica.


Ross:Or Rachel.


CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica is eating breakfast.Chandler enters)


Chandler:Hey, I just came home to shower and change and then Iíll be gone.(walks towards the bedroom)


Monica:Chandler, wait.




Monica:Donít you think we should talk?


Chandler:About what?




Chandler:Whatís there to talk about?Youíre mad at me because I donít want kids right now and you do.


Monica:Yes I was mad, but I forgot that you have a say in this marriage too.


Chandler:Can you hold on a minute?I need to get that on tape.




Chandler:Ok.Look, I talked with Ross and he made me realize some things.


Monica:This ought to be good.(Chandler stares at Monica)Iím sorry, go on.


Chandler:Look, I love you.I may never really be totally ready to have kids but I know that eventually I will want them.I just want to spend some time with you as a married couple.Letís do some crazy things as a married couple first and then have kids.Once we have kids, then the time for us will be limited.Canít we just spend a couple of months acting like newlyweds before we start planning for the future?


Monica:Sounds good to me.


Chandler:Thatís it?


Monica (hugging Chandler):I love you and I think that itís a great idea to act like newlyweds for the next couple of months.When we have kids, we both have to be ready.Youíre not ready to have kids, in fact, youíre still a kid.


Chandler:I thought so too.


PHOEBE & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Courteney is packing her stuff.Phoebe enters)


Courteney (cold):Hi.


Phoebe (warm):Hi.Iím so glad youíre here.


Courteney:Excuse me?


Phoebe:Look Courteney, Iím very sorry that I snapped at you and told you that I want you out.I donít want you to go anywhere.I want you to stay my roommate.


Courteney:Thatís great Phoebe, but itís a little late.Iím moving in with Joey.


Phoebe:You canít move in with Joey!


Courteney:Why not?


Phoebe:Itís too soon.You need to stay here with me.


Courteney:No, I donít think so.


Phoebe:Please, please donít move in with Joey!


Courteney:Why not?


Phoebe:ĎCause I donít wanna lose another roommate and friend.And Iím really sorry that I asked you to move out.It was just that time of the month for me.


Courteney:Your period?


Phoebe:No, my bitchy day of the month.


Courteney:Ok, Iíll stay.One thing though, if you could mark your bitchy days of the month on the calendar, that would be great.Then I would know to stay at Joeyís that day.


Phoebe:Itís a deal.


ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel is getting ready to leave when Ross enters)






Ross:Um, I know Iím not supposed to be here, but I came to pick up some clothes and essentials.


Rachel:Ok.Iíll see you later.(Rachel goes to leave)






Ross:I love you.


Rachel:Thatís nice.


Ross:Is this it?


Rachel:I donít know Ross.You tell me.


Ross:I love you, doesnít that matter?


Rachel:Is that why you told me to go sleep with Mark?


Ross (quietly):No.




Ross (a little louder):I said no.Look, I was angry.


Rachel:No Ross, you donít trust me.


Ross:Thatís not true.


Rachel:Why else would you get all jealous and bent out of shape?


Ross:Because Iím insecure and I donít know why youíre with me.




Ross:Why are you with me?I am a geek who teaches paleontology to college students who donít care.I have had three failed marriages.The first was with a lesbian, the second lasted as long as our courtship and the third was a drunken mistake.Face it, Iím a loser.


Rachel:Youíre anything but a loser.Iím with you because I love you.I donít care about the marriages.Hell I was part of the third one.Look, you make me happy, at least most of the time.


Ross:I donít wanna lose you again.


Rachel:Then stop telling me to go sleep with other men.You know, I can only think of one other time when I felt as hurt as I was last night.




Rachel:Do I even have to affirm that?


Ross:No.All I can say is that Iím deeply sorry.†††


Rachel:Do you trust me?


Ross:Of course I do.Why would you doubt that?


Rachel:Because every time a Mark comes along, you get extremely jealous.Is marriage your answer to the jealousy?Is that why you asked me to marry you?


Ross:I asked you to marry me because I love you.My answer to the jealousy is to hear from you that you love me for who I am.


Rachel:Then listen to me carefully, I love you for who you are.I donít need anyone else.††


Ross:I love you too.Now what?


Rachel:Well if itís any consolation to you Iím not taking the job at Liz Claiborne.


Ross:Why not?


Rachel:Because I got offered a better position with Victoria Secret.


Ross:As a model?


Rachel:Donít you wish. No, Iím the new Head of Purchasing for the East Coast.†††††††


Ross:Thatís so cool.Do you get to bring home the outfits?


Rachel:Only if you stop telling me to sleep with other men.


Ross:Ah, Monica said the weddingís off.


Rachel:Monica doesnít know what sheís talking about.But I should warn you, you have to stop pissing me off.


Ross:Iím a guy, I canít make that promise.Thatís why you wear the pants in this relationship.




CENTRAL PERK(Everyone is present, including Courteney)


Joey:I see everyone made up.Thank God, Hotel Tribbiani was overflowing with tenants.


Courteney:I better not be included in that tally.


Joey:Youíre my favorite tenant.


Chandler:Thatís only because she sleeps with manager.


Monica:At least somebodyís been getting some lately.


Rachel:Amen to that.


Ross (to Chandler):I think that was directed at us.


Phoebe:Hey, donít forget about me, I havenít had sex in three months.


Joey:Do you want some help with that Phoebe?




Joey:†† Just trying to help a friend in need.